Fantasy GoH - OOC

[Fable]

Nice sentiment, but as I said, it is kind of a personal issue. Now I just need to find out where to put the f***er. He isn't related to the guild in any way...so I'm debating whether to have him appear at random while someone is off doing shite.

Just have him show up and offer help because of the shit going on? Talk to the receptionist Emily Alteras

 

[Noble Scion]

Nice sentiment, but as I said, it is kind of a personal issue. Now I just need to find out where to put the f***er. He isn't related to the guild in any way...so I'm debating whether to have him appear at random while someone is off doing shite.

Maybe a meeting between a dessert dweller whose society turned away magic meeting a fallen angel might be humorous.

Just have him show up and offer help because of the shit going on? Talk to the receptionist Emily Alteras

I also have a vampire not exactly doing much, if you want.

 

[Silver Wolf]

Just have him show up and offer help because of the shit going on? Talk to the receptionist Emily Alteras

Birdsie's synopsis was vague and I only read from page 21 neither I nor my character have much knowledge of current events.

 

[Silver Wolf]

I also have a vampire not exactly doing much, if you want.

PERFECT!

 

[Noble Scion]

PERFECT!

She's currently residing in the infirmary, or do you want me to have her leave there?

 

[Silver Wolf]

She's currently residing in the infirmary, or do you want me to have her leave there?

Infirmiry of Fort Black I assume...maybe. Then again, either plans are going to be rather commical when magic is introduced.

 

[Fable]

Birdsie's synopsis was vague and I only read from page 21 neither I nor my character have much knowledge of current events.

I mean not much has really happened since the bomb at xhorhas. That is the big deal and the guild saved it for all of 5 mins before cutting a deal with the enemy for 6 months.

 

[Peckinou]

Whaaa? What is happening in the story?

 

[Fable]

Whaaa? What is happening in the story?

Eh, there is a group of us at the fort and another group doing a mission I think.

 

[Peckinou]

Guild of Heros group is doing a mission? While the others are at a fort.

 

[Fable]

Guild of Heros group is doing a mission? While the others are at a fort.

Players are doing multiple things at once, we all aren't on the exact same path. ;3 Those at the fort are chatting right now trying to explain magic to another character, while a small group set off for a mission.

 

[Fable]

Before I begin, I am doing this as a favor to Birdsie who is currently busy ATM. Additionally, a minor disclaimer is needed as sometimes these reviews can be quite critical and harsh. Mine are critical not be be rude or mean, and I admit others can take them as aggressive, but they are to help break down the issues directly with little white lies and fluff. ;3

Name: Ra'Fahi ( The name he gives to everyone is Rendor though)
Aliases: Deaths Assassin/ Shadow Cat / Reaper of Guidance
Age: 20 (Looks a bit younger than he actually is)
Gender: Male
Race: Beast Person- Cat
Class: Shadow Assassin

PERSONAL
Sexuality: Bisexual

High Concept: He follows who ever he thinks is worthy of his service and gets his job done no matter the cost.
Character Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

I see you've taken some of the information from Ki'Tavi's PM for naming, good. He would be the go-to person for the racial information since he was the lore creator for the core race. And while you have him listed as aged 20, but appears younger, just go ahead and maybe perhaps write what age he does appear. This gives other players a chance to reaction to a character's appearance and then learning their true age later on.

Organizations\Affiliations: The 7 Reapers- Was well feared group consisting of 7 legendary skilled people and a small group of followers who wreaked havoc throughout the kingdom of Laurellia and Espania destroying countless Bandits, Soldiers, Villages and a Few Clans for 3 years but was soon beaten by a team from the guild of hero's who called themselves Gods Lance
Assassins Guild - Was apart of the Assassins guild before he was recruited to join The 7 Reapers.
Red Fang Clan - Was apart of the Fa Clan also known as The Red Fang Clan before it was destroyed by The Black Blood Clan

Unfortunately, after discussion with Birdsie, the 7 Reapers stuff still would not be allowed as canon lore. Perhaps maybe expanding on the lore a bit more and explaining the group might work in your favor here, but so far the only real legendary group is the one Birdsie has created for the world lore; William Black and crew resulting in the creation of the Guild of Heroes.

How was the 7 Reapers Founded? Who founded them? Who are the 7 skilled people, their names, and what can they actually do? The reason for these questions is because you'd ultimately be NPCing any sub-characters and such basic information leaves too many loopholes that can be taken advantage of.

Additionally, and this was missing by a few, there is already a Black Blood Clan from another character, which is the clan of Witches. I'm not sure if you read that character's CS or not, but her PC is the heir apparent and nowhere in her lore did she encounter your clan, and therefore this causes a canonical conflict and should either be renamed or scrapped entirely.

I am assumung the Red Fang Clan aka Fa Clan is your racial beast clan, since I'm not savvy in all that lore, I think what you have is alright, but remember, expanding is better. Ask yourself things like who are the leaders, why they were destroyed by another clan, etc.

Then there is the assassin's guild. Give it a name, the reason for this is because like my character Veth and Ki'Tavi, they are both mercenaries, but are actually in rival groups. There would be multiple guilds, give yours a name, a creed and whatever else to make it uniquely yours.

Personality: He pretty stoic, calculated at times mostly when he is fighting or with strangers but when he is with friends he is likely to show his true colors and will appear to be a pretty childish person who has a love for strawberry's and stories but is also being pretty shy especially when he isn't trying to kill or hurt people, he loves jokes but is also pretty gullible due to his trusting nature he is also willing to risk his life in order to protect people he cares about which is usually one person and he perceives them as his best friend but also tries his best to not let emotions rule his decisions cause he doesn't want to appear weak.

I would say this is an... interesting personality. He is written a bit like an oxymoron here and depending on how it is executed might come off terribly or pure genius. The way is it written needs some improvement because the flow just seems like it was an ADHD "TOO MANY IDEAS" and they were written as they came. Here is me taking what you've written and cleaning it up and writing it my way. You can use it if you want if desire;

He is s rather stoic and calculating individual when encountering strangers. This part of his personality is due to his combat training as an assassin. However, as much as he seems anti-social and aloof, maybe even shy, once he gets closer to others and become friends, his true colors begin to show. He is actually fairly childish and can even be gullible due to his trusting nature. (Side note, this conflicts with being an assassin, but I am using what you've written.) There may even be a moment where he would risk his life to protect the those he cares about, which is usually a person who he would consider a best friend. This conflicts with his need to not let his emotions ruling his decisions as he doesn't want to appear weak.

Backstory: Was 5 when his parents and most of his clan were killed by The Black Blood Clan which resulted in him running off into the great forest where he stumbled upon a dungeon but was somehow lucky enough to complete it with the help of one generous fairy and was able to obtain The Dagger of Shadows and a Unique Shadow Magic book and he soon learned about the dungeon so well that he was able to figure out all of its secrets and knows it inside out he was even able to use it as shelter where he was able to teach himself shadow magic with the Shadow Magic book while being given a few pointers on how magic worked by the same fairy he was able to make a few shadow spells on his own. After a while of living in the great forest he went to bowerstone and joined the Assassins Guild at a young age and after a few years of working for the Assassins Guild he was recruited to join The 7 Reapers which ended up killing countless people in the name of their leader who they called Lord Death. They gained a strong reputation after a year but their leader was soon taken down by Gods Lance team from the guild of hero's along with a small army of Kingdom soldiers where which led to a confrontation with the leader of The 7 Reapers at The Desolation area and after countless losses Their leader was taken dow caused the 7 reapers to disband and the battle to earn the name The Battle of Deaths End.

Here is the brutal verdict; scrap the entire backstory. A 5 year old wouldn't be able to survive on his own, let alone survive by stumbling into a dungeon and somehow helped by a fairy. The fairy is - to me - just a poor plot device to get what you want for your character in a very uncreative manner. He would be more likely to obtain this items by being an assassin and killing a target than at the age of 5 being bloody lucky as hell to an extreme.

My suggestion; you can still have his clan wiped out, still orphaned at five, but think of this. What if he was picked up by the assassin's guild and taken in to be trained? It would give him a lifetime of training that he needs with actual teachers and masters, rather than him being some magical assassin savant at the age of 5 and able to do all this completely on his own. He would need guidance beyond just books, sparring partners, mission experience, and so forth.

I've already mentioned the whole 7 Reapers thing needing to be removed or resolved. Also, Lord Death? Birdsie has stated this seems to be a wannabe Turenval. To be honest, I'd say you can perfectly do what you want with your character with just the assassin's guild. Make them shadow assassins that specialize in these things, he doesn't need to be placed in another (to me edgy) group.

You also need to really think hard and explain how he obtained these crazy items beyond a dungeon.

Height: 5'5
Weight: 100
He usually wears light dark clothing with hoods he also has a grey cat tail and a tattoo of a Grey Scythe on his shoulder to signify he was The Reaper of Souls.

So, he is anorexic? You can find a height/weight calculator and see this is NOT correct OR healthy! The minimum weight for a male at 5'5" would be at least 135lbs.

Weapons & Armor: Owns the Dagger of Shadows which can increase the wielders magic power, senses and speed 3 fold while in the cover of darkness also allowing the user to use Shadow Slice which sends a shadow that can cut like steel 50 yards away when the user cuts the air with the dagger of shadows.
Also Owns the Shadow Necklace which give the user more magic power, allow the user to craft their own shadow minions which can appear as silhouette figures and does as the user commands but is only able to summon 10 at a time and with each time he creates one he loses a little magic energy and the necklaces will sometimes protect the user from attacks with shadow guard which has a shadow shield created from and rises up to guard the user from incoming projectiles. He also owns the rod of souls although its not a real weapon he can equip his shadow dagger to the top of it to make it a scythe allowing him to use the shadow daggers ability's and change his weapon from a dagger to a scythe for better range.

Items & Personal Belongings: Gold and a Dungeon in the great forest.

Skills & Abilities: Stealth, Climbing, Night vision, Heightened Sense, Agile and Acrobatic

Birdsie will not allow your character to "own" a dungeon. Think of things like survival items, extra clothes, precious knick-knacks.

I've noticed that your character uses items for their abilities, a dagger, a book, and necklace. You can just give your character the powers of these items and not bother with the items themselves. It might work out better in your favor since if someone steals them or tears them off or away from your character, they lose those abilities connected. You also use them to boost his magic, but you don't really clarify what is natural magic is.

Fyuri's advice; scrap the items and just make them magical abilities, maybe keep 1 item, but just one.

Spells & Magic: Shadow Beast - Can Turn themselves into a Shadow Beast which resembles something like a Huge Panther but is at most 3 times its physical power and size allowing the user to chase after someone like a panther hunting its prey but is only able to use Shadow Orb which would be 3x more powerful and Shadow Devastation in this form and if shadow devastation is used then the form of shadow beast is cancelled out.
Shadow Blades - Can create and manipulate blades from the shadows but the user must be able to see the victim in order to target them.
Shadow Wisp - Can turn into a shadow wisp and travel at a super fast pace when in the shadows but is unable to attack in this form and can only use it 30 minutes a day.
Shadow Bolt - Can create a bolt of darkness which releases dark energy at a victim. ( Basically like hitting someone with a weaker version of a lightning bolt.)
Shadow Consumption - Can make the shadows grab hold and consume a victim but they must be must on the ground and within 10 feet of the caster.
Shadow Devastation - Can create a Shadow Orb so large and deadly that i can destroy a whole village but it requires alot of magic energy to use and a while to charge.
Shadow Orb - Can create a dark explosive that looks like a black Orb and send at a person which would explode dark energy on contact.
Shadow Void - Can create a small void that can extinguish small flames within eye sight.

Shadow Beast is excessive and runs on for days. I get what you were going for, but punctuation is important here, maybe even use a list to break it down better.

Expand on shadow consumption as it seems like an OP one-shot kill. Expand on Shadow Devastation, this also seems quite OP for the start of the RP.

Weaknesses: The more light that is in a area the weaker his attacks are.
He does not have a lot of strength in his human form at-least.
Usually tries to focus on one person before moving onto the next.
Can be distracted if something or someone catches his attention.
Does not wear armor.

He needs WAY more weaknesses to balance the excessive powers of his items and abilities. I already mentioned that him losing the items = losing the items abilities. That is a weakness to be noted if you decide to keep them. Is he weak to things other than light? Such as Holy domain spells?


Birdsie has stated that the current CS as-is is not accepted and still needs work. My suggestions are my own review on the subject of your CS, but we've been discussing them. Hopefully this wasn't too bad of a review for you. X3 If you have questions just ask us.

 

[Fable]

Excuse fail typing. I am on a laptop on a teeny table in a hotel using my leg as a mouspad. ;-;

 

[Peckinou]

Before I begin, I am doing this as a favor to Birdsie who is currently busy ATM. Additionally, a minor disclaimer is needed as sometimes these reviews can be quite critical and harsh. Mine are critical not be be rude or mean, and I admit others can take them as aggressive, but they are to help break down the issues directly with little white lies and fluff. ;3



I see you've taken some of the information from Ki'Tavi's PM for naming, good. He would be the go-to person for the racial information since he was the lore creator for the core race. And while you have him listed as aged 20, but appears younger, just go ahead and maybe perhaps write what age he does appear. This gives other players a chance to reaction to a character's appearance and then learning their true age later on.



Unfortunately, after discussion with Birdsie, the 7 Reapers stuff still would not be allowed as canon lore. Perhaps maybe expanding on the lore a bit more and explaining the group might work in your favor here, but so far the only real legendary group is the one Birdsie has created for the world lore; William Black and crew resulting in the creation of the Guild of Heroes.

How was the 7 Reapers Founded? Who founded them? Who are the 7 skilled people, their names, and what can they actually do? The reason for these questions is because you'd ultimately be NPCing any sub-characters and such basic information leaves too many loopholes that can be taken advantage of.

Additionally, and this was missing by a few, there is already a Black Blood Clan from another character, which is the clan of Witches. I'm not sure if you read that character's CS or not, but her PC is the heir apparent and nowhere in her lore did she encounter your clan, and therefore this causes a canonical conflict and should either be renamed or scrapped entirely.

I am assumung the Red Fang Clan aka Fa Clan is your racial beast clan, since I'm not savvy in all that lore, I think what you have is alright, but remember, expanding is better. Ask yourself things like who are the leaders, why they were destroyed by another clan, etc.

Then there is the assassin's guild. Give it a name, the reason for this is because like my character Veth and Ki'Tavi, they are both mercenaries, but are actually in rival groups. There would be multiple guilds, give yours a name, a creed and whatever else to make it uniquely yours.



I would say this is an... interesting personality. He is written a bit like an oxymoron here and depending on how it is executed might come off terribly or pure genius. The way is it written needs some improvement because the flow just seems like it was an ADHD "TOO MANY IDEAS" and they were written as they came. Here is me taking what you've written and cleaning it up and writing it my way. You can use it if you want if desire;

He is s rather stoic and calculating individual when encountering strangers. This part of his personality is due to his combat training as an assassin. However, as much as he seems anti-social and aloof, maybe even shy, once he gets closer to others and become friends, his true colors begin to show. He is actually fairly childish and can even be gullible due to his trusting nature. (Side note, this conflicts with being an assassin, but I am using what you've written.) There may even be a moment where he would risk his life to protect the those he cares about, which is usually a person who he would consider a best friend. This conflicts with his need to not let his emotions ruling his decisions as he doesn't want to appear weak.



Here is the brutal verdict; scrap the entire backstory. A 5 year old wouldn't be able to survive on his own, let alone survive by stumbling into a dungeon and somehow helped by a fairy. The fairy is - to me - just a poor plot device to get what you want for your character in a very uncreative manner. He would be more likely to obtain this items by being an assassin and killing a target than at the age of 5 being bloody lucky as hell to an extreme.

My suggestion; you can still have his clan wiped out, still orphaned at five, but think of this. What if he was picked up by the assassin's guild and taken in to be trained? It would give him a lifetime of training that he needs with actual teachers and masters, rather than him being some magical assassin savant at the age of 5 and able to do all this completely on his own. He would need guidance beyond just books, sparring partners, mission experience, and so forth.

I've already mentioned the whole 7 Reapers thing needing to be removed or resolved. Also, Lord Death? Birdsie has stated this seems to be a wannabe Turenval. To be honest, I'd say you can perfectly do what you want with your character with just the assassin's guild. Make them shadow assassins that specialize in these things, he doesn't need to be placed in another (to me edgy) group.

You also need to really think hard and explain how he obtained these crazy items beyond a dungeon.



So, he is anorexic? You can find a height/weight calculator and see this is NOT correct OR healthy! The minimum weight for a male at 5'5" would be at least 135lbs.



Birdsie will not allow your character to "own" a dungeon. Think of things like survival items, extra clothes, precious knick-knacks.

I've noticed that your character uses items for their abilities, a dagger, a book, and necklace. You can just give your character the powers of these items and not bother with the items themselves. It might work out better in your favor since if someone steals them or tears them off or away from your character, they lose those abilities connected. You also use them to boost his magic, but you don't really clarify what is natural magic is.

Fyuri's advice; scrap the items and just make them magical abilities, maybe keep 1 item, but just one.


Shadow Beast is excessive and runs on for days. I get what you were going for, but punctuation is important here, maybe even use a list to break it down better.

Expand on shadow consumption as it seems like an OP one-shot kill. Expand on Shadow Devastation, this also seems quite OP for the start of the RP.



He needs WAY more weaknesses to balance the excessive powers of his items and abilities. I already mentioned that him losing the items = losing the items abilities. That is a weakness to be noted if you decide to keep them. Is he weak to things other than light? Such as Holy domain spells?


Birdsie has stated that the current CS as-is is not accepted and still needs work. My suggestions are my own review on the subject of your CS, but we've been discussing them. Hopefully this wasn't too bad of a review for you. X3 If you have questions just ask us.

I see ill edit it later so if i create a group i would have to form a lore with it? Also i did put magic energy i thought it would count as another way of saying if he uses it he will be exhausted real quick, yeah i kinda get the shadow consumption it kinda seems to op since i forgot to add it can only work on one person at a time and it requires high concentration. I also kinda did add those to magic items instead of spells cause i didn't want to have to many spells known by heart. But i do thank you for the advise though i will start editing soon.

 

[Rumble Fish]

I return

 

[Noble Scion]

Greetings!

 

[Rumble Fish]

mind giving me a quick recap of what is going on so i can post?

 

[Noble Scion]

Uh... A few people are leaving in search of relics, two vampires are outside, power-hosing a skull around the place, recently there was a large attack, but that occurred a few weeks ago, and I’m not too sure what everyone else is doing

 

[Rumble Fish]

ok so, what kind of location are they in? just to give me a general idea

 

[Noble Scion]

Relic people are who knows where, vampires are within the outer wall, I’d assume in the courtyard.

 

[Rumble Fish]

cool beans, i could have hermy loitering around there

 

[Rumble Fish]

posted and open to interaction

 

[Rumble Fish]

Should have mentioned being in the courtyard

 

[Rumble Fish]

hello

 

[Noble Scion]

the ooc isn't the most active place in the world xD