Viewpoint Why do straight female roleplayers tend to like abusive roleplays?

[Emotional Enigma]

I don't mean to assume sexuality. But the fact it's still mostly a female fantasy still stands.​

I guess the moral of the story is people like what they like. I have a degree in psychology and I don't know if I believe this "trauma" explanation but I haven't done any research on the topic and I've been wrong before so I wouldn't be surprised. It just seems like a weird notion that generally people would RP these pairings through some innate desire to work through trauma.

 

[Emotional Enigma]

Tbh the way this question was introduced, now that I'm reading back through it, is just really weird. You insinuate that older men abuse young women in the real world without statistical evidence though RpN isn't the real world. Then say this is a power dynamic but I don't think just being older constitutes being a power dynamic? I think a power dynamic is when someone is in a position of power such CEO vs a temp. And then you juxtapose Stockholm syndrome with this notion of older men.

And then you imply that nice guys finish last and thus the characters filling these roles can't be nice.

I'm confused about how this question was introduced and framed with these implications or maybe I'm reading too far into it.

 

[celestialprince]

I guess the moral of the story is people like what they like. I have a degree in psychology and I don't know if I believe this "trauma" explanation but I haven't done any research on the topic and I've been wrong before so I wouldn't be surprised. It just seems like a weird notion that generally people would RP these pairings through some innate desire to work through trauma.

And it depends on the intensity of the roleplay.

Like, if a MxF roleplayer is willing to sometimes play a more assertive fully grown adult human at times instead of always playing a little girl in a college girl's body archetype who seeks out abusive dynamics, then that's more healthy. Or if the character grows during the roleplay to stand up to their attacker/groomer (when it's the old man/young girl dynamic) or abuser, then that's a good way of dealing with things and growing through the roleplay.

I've roleplayed with girls... ladies... people with the x chromosome before who seem to have their characters as a stand in for themselves and have hinted to that in their OOC dialogue. The difference would be the attachment to the characters you play too. Like I don't have a special attachment to my characters really, they exist to tell a story and I don't care if they get killed, maimed or mocked in a roleplay, but some people (I haven't found this as much with guys though) take their characters very seriously.

I guess it's about how you adapt and how much you're living a fantasy through your characters.

it is disgusting that there are men that still think of women simply as a property that they can use in order to just get what they want. But, sadly enough, it happens.

But if women have these innate desires for men to kidnap them, be the master to their slave, be older creepy professors hitting on girls just out of high school... if all these things are desirable for women then is it really wrong of men to think this way? You'd think women are making men think they want to be treated like that by their innate desires, and the popularity of things like 50 shades.

And that's why it's confusing for men. Haha.

And we got off the subject of roleplaying!​

 

[Emotional Enigma]

And it depends on the intensity of the roleplay.

Like, if a MxF roleplayer is willing to sometimes play a more assertive fully grown adult human at times instead of always playing a little girl in a college girl's body archetype who seeks out abusive dynamics, then that's more healthy. Or if the character grows during the roleplay to stand up to their attacker/groomer (when it's the old man/young girl dynamic) or abuser, then that's a good way of dealing with things and growing through the roleplay.

I've roleplayed with girls... ladies... people with the x chromosome before who seem to have their characters as a stand in for themselves and have hinted to that in their OOC dialogue. The difference would be the attachment to the characters you play too. Like I don't have a special attachment to my characters really, they exist to tell a story and I don't care if they get killed, maimed or mocked in a roleplay, but some people (I haven't found this as much with guys though) take their characters very seriously.

I guess it's about how you adapt and how much you're living a fantasy through your characters.



But if women have these innate desires for men to kidnap them, be the master to their slave, be older creepy professors hitting on girls just out of high school... if all these things are desirable for women then is it really wrong of men to think this way? You'd think women are making men think they want to be treated like that by their innate desires, and the popularity of things like 50 shades.

And that's why it's confusing for men. Haha.

And we got off the subject of roleplaying!​

Okay but you can be a fully grown adult with the aesthetic of a tiny girl, as I promise there are many and are still fully grown adults. And you're assuming that these pairings have to be abusive or in some way wrong. The teacher x student, I don't know how to address that one, but the older man pairing and dom pairings, those don't ever have to be abusive. So thus the trauma explanation falls apart.

 

[Crayons]

And it depends on the intensity of the roleplay.

Like, if a MxF roleplayer is willing to sometimes play a more assertive fully grown adult human at times instead of always playing a little girl in a college girl's body archetype who seeks out abusive dynamics, then that's more healthy. Or if the character grows during the roleplay to stand up to their attacker/groomer (when it's the old man/young girl dynamic) or abuser, then that's a good way of dealing with things and growing through the roleplay.

I've roleplayed with girls... ladies... people with the x chromosome before who seem to have their characters as a stand in for themselves and have hinted to that in their OOC dialogue. The difference would be the attachment to the characters you play too. Like I don't have a special attachment to my characters really, they exist to tell a story and I don't care if they get killed, maimed or mocked in a roleplay, but some people (I haven't found this as much with guys though) take their characters very seriously.

I guess it's about how you adapt and how much you're living a fantasy through your characters.



But if women have these innate desires for men to kidnap them, be the master to their slave, be older creepy professors hitting on girls just out of high school... if all these things are desirable for women then is it really wrong of men to think this way? You'd think women are making men think they want to be treated like that by their innate desires, and the popularity of things like 50 shades.

And that's why it's confusing for men. Haha.

And we got off the subject of roleplaying!​

Can we please not assume that these desires and fantasies apply to ALL women because that is just straight up not the case. It's like saying all elephants are grey therefore everything that's grey is an elephant.

Also I find the biological inevitability arguments a tad offensive since much of the interaction between sexes and genders in humans is cultural in nature, and in the natural world there's no way you can claim that dominant males overcoming/leading submissive females is even the norm, never mind applying it to humans.

 

[Emotional Enigma]

RpN =/= real life
Just because someone likes it in RP does not mean they like it real life, "innate desires" be damned. Kind of sounds victim blame-y too to say "women are making men think they want to be treated like that by their innate desires". I mean, again real life is different than RpN and unless someone has explicitly told you and given you consent in real life, you should probably not apply what you see here to your real life.

Like, don't be like "Most women on RpN search threads are looking for someone to kidnap their characters who vaguely resemble themselves so let me kidnap this woman to satisfy her innate desires"

 

[Chordling]

I think we need to remember that the statement was an observation from their own experiences and that the OP already agreed that it was a sexist opinion. The statement does not exclude other natures. It simply refers to a particular one.

 

[River Rose]

I am so glad that someone finally realizes this and addresses it. I don’t reveal my identity at all, and I hate these pairings so much. The male in the relationship doesn’t have to be strong and controlling, and the female in the relationship doesn’t have to be completely defenseless. It promotes the wrong kind of love. Some people like dark rps and I get it, but Stockholm syndrome is a very bad way to go. Nice guys almost never win in rps, which makes me very sad. I mostly play males and I can’t really be controlling or mean, so I don’t get a lot of people who want to rp with me.

P.S: if you want a nice guy in an rp, come talk to me!

 

[Idea]

Can we please not assume that these desires and fantasies apply to ALL women because that is just straight up not the case. It's like saying all elephants are grey therefore everything that's grey is an elephant.

Also I find the biological inevitability arguments a tad offensive since much of the interaction between sexes and genders in humans is cultural in nature, and in the natural world there's no way you can claim that dominant males overcoming/leading submissive females is even the norm, never mind applying it to humans.

If I may, and do correct me if I'm wrong M Mesenterium , but I believe what they are saying is that there is a biological predisposition or inclination for particular desires. That doesn't mean people within the demographic universally desire it, people are individuals before they are anything else, but it does mean it is easier to have those than not. For instance a genetic predisposition to have a low metabolism doesn't necessarily mean the recipient will end up being overweight, but it does mean it's easier for them to gain weight than otherwise.

So all M Mesenterium is proposing, if I'm not missing the mark, is that there might be a tendency resulting from lingering biological/genetic factors that helps explain the observed pattern.

 

[Ambiloquous]

The reasons I'm going to bring up are laziness and having the high ground.

To put it simple, when someone tries to play the "submissive" character, I find that there is almost a universal tendency (or there was when I still roleplayed such) to play a character that is extremely passive. A character that doesn't push for the plot, to whom things happen because someone else makes them happen and they are just caught up in all of it. If you're not the one making anything happen you are pretty much being GMed to, and anyone who's played with a partner like this (one that is pretty much entirely passive) knows that one of people in that partnership is doing all the work. Even in cases when it's not the case that there is not complete passivity, the "submissive" role will still naturally be less active when it comes to the plot and be response-oriented than proactive.

Now I'm not saying that people are necessarily thinking "I'm gonna dump all the work on my partner", but I do think there is a certain inherent ,and for lack of a better word, subconscious, advantage in a role with less thinking involved. Which is to say nothing of the likely worry a lot of people have about screwing up a more active role. At least if you're passive there's less of a chance of you being too pushy or doing something the partner is uncomfortable with. You can just be the recipient, the "victim". Which leads me to my next point...

I think you have a point that is very similar, if not the same, as I was going to make, but I'm going to repeat it anyway. I feel like I should say all the below are my assumptions and certainly aren't fact or anything of the sort; I'm using absolutes (or close to it) because it's easier to explain an idea with the terms. Take it all with a grain of salt.

Many people don't like taking initiative, and I think this comes from the fact that when one takes action, there is a chance of failure and that chance of failure may cause them to simply never want to take action. This applies in romance as well. Why chase someone else when there's a chance it won't go well when you can have them chase you and have 100% certainty that they indeed like you? There are a lot of passive characters in "wish-fulfillment" romance fiction online or otherwise that I think stems from this, and having the other character take control because of the passivity. Then people push this... concept/idea/trope(?) to the extremes and it becomes increasingly imbalanced and toxic. Or maybe it was always toxic, I dunno. And then all of that passes onto RP because much of RP is based on fiction and what we see there. I think I was going to add another point but I can't remember it, so this is all, folks.

 

[nerdy tangents]

So I don’t know if this has been mentioned but I think OP might be overthinking things just a tad.

In my experience most people don’t think of the relationships mentioned as real.

Like when you bring up - hey I am not comfortable with this particular dynamic or this particular interaction because it mimics IRL abusive behavior - a vast majority of the time the other person says something to the effect of “I am so sorry I never thought of it that way.”

Now sure there might be some people who are fully cognizant of having some kind of preference for a specific power-imbalance type relationship but most people aren’t thinking that deeply about their relationships in roleplay. They tend to just be mimicking dynamics from media they like. And they obviously know the relationships in those media are fake so they don’t really make the real world connection to what they are asking for

It’s not about power imbalance or abusive themes or whatever because these people genuinely don’t have the vocabulary or context to recognize their requests as such.

Which is true of even less problematic relationship requests. I can’t count how many romance roleplayers I have talked to who have outright said, yeah I just write pairing types I see in media that I like.

Even the ones who don’t say it outright, if your an avid reader/tv fan you can sort of tell by how they set things up and describe characters.

 

[Murdergurl]

I guess because most of these role-play requests say 'I only play female because I am a female.' I've seen this on almost all ones that strictly do MxF. Most are writing what they know right?​

This is me: Female playing a female. Though I do write some characters that are bi or even lesbian (but again, it doesn't really matter if you aren't writing a romantic RP). I consider myself open-mindedly straight. I did some fooling around some years ago, but I'm over it now.

I'd also like to mention that (IMO) playing your characters and automatically boxing them into roles of Dom and Sub seems really restricting and lazy. Why not write a character that has depth and isn't so simply defined?

 

[Chordling]

I'd also like to mention that (IMO) playing your characters and automatically boxing them into roles of Dom and Sub seems really restricting and lazy. Why not write a character that has depth and isn't so simply defined?

It's what they want to play. Some people do not like to spend as much time on writing about characters as much as others. I find it similar to fandom characters. People want to play a specific part. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[M.J. Saulnier]

A lot of circumstances where much older man goes for a young women (in real life) there's a messed up power dynamic which leads to abuse and all sorts of problems.​

Let's go ahead and pump the breaks on the real life talk? As an older man who likes younger women, I can assure you this is not indicative of the dynamic, intention, or outcome of younger women dating older men. It may be sometimes, but I see far more toxic relationships where the modern young man is involved.

When I begin dating a younger woman, there's a higher standard and expectation I place on myself. I'm not only the male (for what that's actually worth) but I'm also the oldest. There's a greater sense of responsibility to take care of and spoil this woman, because she is younger. It's a weird dynamic I can't even explain, but I spoil younger women, always have.


This dynamic is ancient, and surrounds us in media and fiction, not just RP. It's a strange psychological phenomenon, and that's simply not my wheelhouse. Just wanted to defend the older men out there dating younger women, who've been almost made to feel ghoulish by the OP.

 

[mikaluvkitties]

Hey everybody! I'm a gay man that likes both sides of these dynamics, so I thought I'd discuss why.

Let's get into it. Gonna state the obvious: These relationships are fucked up. Gonna state a second bit that's been true for all of the people I've rped them with: That's the appeal.

Taboo subjects can be very enthralling and interesting when viewed from a distance, and the separation from our world in its entirety can make people feel safe to explore that. It's the same logic behind rps focusing around cults- Nobody actually wants to be part of a cult. It's just fun to explore in a fictitious setting where no one who actually exists is being harmed. Simple as.

 

[AnimeGenork]

Thought I'd pop in here even though I don't have much to add.

For reference, I am a straight woman. I definitely do not speak for all of us, but perhaps there are others who share my specific viewpoint.

I've never been into these types of relationships. I don't even do them in RP. But I, for one, don't think it's very fair to assume that a good girl/bad boy relationship has the same level of abuse as the others, as YA fiction tends to paint the bad boy as a "misunderstood sweetheart." At least, in my experience.

For some of these, I think perhaps the interest may be in the idea of "opening up X Character's heart" as we see in certain media nowadays. This is where I refer to the tsundere character archetype, with the "shut up, baka!" line. Unless you're Taiga Aisaka, you're not necessarily abusive just because you're a tsundere. You simply do the thing called displacement. Of course, this is not the case for EVERYONE's interest in such relationships, but it is for me. I do not want to write against a character who is abusive, because that is not my cup of tea. But if he yells, "shut up!" with a mighty blush on his face, I might be entertained, because sometimes, tsunderes are exactly what I need.

And, in any case, I usually have the type of female character who yells right back.

As for interest in vampires, that's something that fluctuates. There are the Diabolik Lovers vampires, who make me hella uncomfortable, and there's Ivan from Moonlight Lovers, who can't control his hunger for blood but is the softest boy there is. I can't speak for anyone who likes Diabolik Lovers (I really do draw the line at some point), but for fans of the aforementioned Moonlight Lovers game, most of the time, the interest is coming from wanting to get to know this supernatural creature better. For better or for worse, you're stuck in a situation where being strangers is not an option, so you might as well get to know them. I think it's very similar for most creatures, really, though vampires are at the top of my list because they're most often the ones who I see being portrayed in contrasting lights.

On the teacher x student front, I'm certainly not a fan of it. However, I'll explain in a jaded former-high-schooler way: teachers are mature. High school students, and even some college ones, are not. Biologically speaking, females (and those assigned female at birth) mature faster. Puberty starts earlier and ends sooner. As a high school student, I couldn't handle 85% of the guys in my school because they were all annoying as hell. Teachers, however, are way past this point and are therefore at a level of physical (and emotional and mental) maturity that we seek for ourselves. While I would never romance a teacher or professor, this might be the case for some of the fascination for these relationships. I will once again refer to a game: My Candy Love. The University arc of the game includes a teacher as a romanceable character, and while I wouldn't go for it, many others have. Why? Well, he's certainly more mature than a lot of the others.

Of course, this is only theorizing about some of the interest in these relationships. Others have mentioned the "taboo" quality to it or the fact that it's RP, not real life. What I wrote above is possibly a little more simple-minded, but some of the pairings mentioned in the original post are things that I've seen in action or happen to like a little, and I wanted to make it clear that sometimes, they're not necessarily abusive.

I will never go looking for anything Joker x Harley Quinn-like; however, give me bad boys with misunderstood hearts any day.

[Apologies, I think I rambled a bit.]

 

[SilverBlack]

So...A lot of the people already shared a vast viewpoints of theirs as to why these tropes are popular. I have a little tingly feeling that you're looking for a specific answer that appeals to you but I hope that's not the case as what everyone pretty say here are worth thinking and not wrong too. I'd just add some whole essay (oops, kinda unintentional) thoughts of my own.

Media media media.

I'm a female who usually roleplays as the male character and, well, the so-called dom, in a lot of 1x1 roleplays, be it a straight MxF one or a gay MxM one. And yes, I've roleplayed to some of these pairings before, too. To say rather bluntly, it's about fantasizing the unrealistic romance portrayed by the media. They know it's unreal, they know it's unhealthy, they do not want it to happen in real life. They don't actually want to be kidnapped. They don't actually want old professors hitting on younger girls. It's not their innate desires. But it's an interesting fantasy to try out, under the assurance that both sides are actually being equally respected, the thing is purely fictional, and the knowledge that the person on the other end of the screen isn't actually a pervert and won't cross the line. The knowledge that they can step out anytime, while playing out an unrealistic romance that god forbid they do not want happening in real life.

In real life relationships, there are couples who do irl roleplays, especially when they're stepping closer to crossing our RPN boundaries (you know what I mean). Those can be of very similar if not same pairings that you mentioned that they'd be acting out. Call it a kink, then, they think it's hot. But both the female and the male are comforted by it under the knowledge that this is just pretense and this won't actually happen in real life. That the partner he/she's with isn't actually like that. They'd be equally terrified and disgusted if they hear actual news of it happening on the TV.

In fact, there are roleplay partners I'd had with similar pairings who are comforted by the fact that I am in fact a female and that she is in fact safe roleplaying those themes with me. When a lot of these "subs" or females want to try out these pairings, they ended up having too many encounters with guys who think the way you just brought up, which is like "aw come on you roleplay them, you must actually like it then, don't hold back, it's what you want, tell me where you live, I can become your true master teheh." A lot of these girls even have a long-term boyfriend or even married lives on their own. They don't do it with their boyfriends because not everyone have a partner who enjoys roleplaying as a hobby. Some of their lovers are aware they're doing roleplays like this and are fine with it. Some aren't because they feel like that's cheating. But that's a whole other topic of whether that's regarded cheating or not, so getting back on track--

I also feel like I'm getting off topic with this in general, which is how I'm trying to emphasize that there's a clear line between fantasy and reality that a dozens of people are already stating again and again. And uh, I feel like it's also because my own answer to this type of question is already too simple and doesn't really need additional words: it's to experience the unhealthy-relationship-made-perfect-and-pretty-but-very-unrealistic-relationships you see on TV, and the "but-very-unrealistic" part can be thrown out the window when you're in a roleplay.

Also, like what people already stated, it completely also makes sense that these types of abusive tropes roleplays are a way of therapy and even reflection of real lives going on with the female who may actually have been abused. And man, a lot of girls and guys (yes, guys too) just want to be sub cause yes, it's less effort. You're the one receiving and not the one giving. Of course for me roleplays like those don't last cause I hate the lack of equal contribution to a roleplay. But what everyone have already stated in addition to the media idea that I now put further emphasis on are pretty much right.

Nooowwww as for meeee who roleplayed them before do I think they're hot???? For me, this brings up another idea revolving this topic. I don't think it's hot. But I like the story that can be created with it. Which is what a lot of people also think when they engage in pairings like these.

If you look at the pairings without any sexual shade put on it, you see a potential story built on the idea. The media has presented an example of it. Now people think, "I can come up with my own revolving this theme" which is surprisingly what a looot of people think, which is also what I think when I tried it out. It can be a tad bit hard for the pairings that get pretty extreme, for example kidnapper x kidnapped or master x slave, but they happen. In fact, I think it happens a lot more on RPN when they're posted on this site because this site has pretty strict rules about those types of stuffs, so people who post here are mostly here for the story and the plot.

For example, there are good stories I've read before revolving these pairings that really inspire me to think of roleplaying my own. I'm guilty to say a couple teacher x student one got to me in the past, and hell, lots of bad boy x good girl themes. In the teacher x student ones I read, it talks about the realistic feelings of both sides--the girl(s) (and guys) who feel like only the teacher can relate and understand him/her among all the peers who are just more immature than her, and ends up feeling attracted to. The teacher who realized he/she also developed taboo feelings, but aware of his position in society. Different realistic stances that were brought up, character struggles, character developments. Even combat a couple of philosophical questions about love. Logic versus emotions versus self control. In some, the stories end up to be about the phase of a student's life, or how life goes wrong. In the endings of those stories, many not even end up together because eventually they know this is not right, but both sides feel like they had learned from this experience. The ones who ended up together waited for the student to graduate so it's legal in the end. When I read stories like these, I'm not thinking about any power dynamics. I'm thinking, hey, this story's so well-crafted. I might be inspired to make my own something.

To summarize, it's about the drama that this dilemma can create, and writing out and coming up with this drama is fun. This applies for really every pairings. Which also is why these pairings don't necessarily represent girls' innate desires. However, stories like these are also more appealing toward female audience, and that get to deal with the whole gender psychology that'd just lengthen my essay but people already brought up so I'm not gonna mention.

In bad boy and good girls, it's just a very cliche trope. Barely anyone I roleplayed in shows too much of a power dynamic. Just shows a sweet girl melting the cold-stone heart of a bad boy. Ya know the classic American romance movie "A Pathway To Remember" that maybe you can check out? A lot of the time that's just what people want when they roleplay that theme. Nothing abusive or unhealthy about it. A guy strays from the right path but then he meets this girl who guides him back on track--he thought he would never fall for this girl but now she fills his mind--the naughty boy falling in love with a nerd. It's so cliche but then it hits the fangirl-button for a lot of the people. Of course the pairing can be twisted to become abusive and wrong but at least I've never experienced that.

Vampires, werewolves, come on, Twilight was a big hit. It's so cringe but the fanbase's still huge. It's sexy, and the drama that happened throughout the series appeal to a lot of people. Inspired them to write their own, or roleplay their own ideas out. Now it doesn't have to be Twilight, but you get the idea. I wrote vampire stories before too, I enjoy reading romance between a supernatural being and a human. Now because I also really like hot guys, hot vampire dudes make me squeal. Man if only I can have a handsome hot sexy tall vampire as my boyfriend too who won't die under the sunlight anyway haha--it won't happen in real life but at least it can happen in roleplay. Am I thinking about power dynamics or unhealthy abusive relationships when I read them or watch them or roleplay them out? Nah, rarely.

To put it simply, the power dynamics just start to bother you when you put an additional label of it and think about it more. Having the "bad person" role being the male is what the common trend is on media, and thus you also see it as the popular trend in roleplay. Often times people just think those pairings have potentials to create a great story. Another factor to include is that a lot of the female roleplayers are also not used to roleplaying or making a male character, so they prefer to just stick to the female roles. If they're equally used to playing both the male or the female, a lot of them are actually like me, not minding switching to play the dom/male role. In the end people are just looking for a good story, man, because they see potentials in these pairings forming a good story.

Interestingly enough, master/slave, kidnapper/kidnapped can have interesting dynamics outside of the power dynamics, and even ties to a lot of social problems nowadays. What are the reasons why the kidnapper kidnapped the girl? Why did the master buy the slave? In the anime "The Ancient Magus's Bride," the master bought her off, showed her the beauty of life, and freed her from the abuse she was living under. Obviously, those aren't the common trends. But people who are actually interested in exploring the story goes deep into character dilemma, the twisted and dark romance, and to craft out a story from it. How did the kidnapper become a kidnapper? Why target the kidnapped? How did the slave eventually change his/her master's life---or is it changed?

When you're just ought there trying to create a story from pairings like these, you can toss all ideas of "man why girls just like to play sub in unhealthy abusive relationship, is it their innate desires" outta the window. You just have two people trying to make a story at that point, be it filled with triggers and dark themes.

And eh, of course, that's only if plot-oriented, story-making is the central goal of both roleplayers. Most of the time it's as simple as acting out what they see the media is portrayed as "hot" on TV but because it's impossible for it to be like that in real life they shall just execute it out in roleplay. That's really as simple as it is.

Sorry for my hell long of a big essay aha. This is a really interesting topic that I like to talk about. So there's that.

 

[Chordling]

this site because this site has pretty strict PG13 rules

We're not considered strict PG-13 because we do allow for subjects relating to non-PG13 related content.

Your post does make some good points though. I think that labels do have a lot of influence when it comes to placing power and dynamics and that is already a set stage for conflict to easily be introduced into a story.

 

[SilverBlack]

We're not considered strict PG-13 because we do allow for subjects relating to non-PG13 related content.

Your post does make some good points though. I think that labels do have a lot of influence when it comes to placing power and dynamics and that is already a set stage for conflict to easily be introduced into a story.

Ah right uwu, imma fix that part of the post then. It’s just the PG13 ones are what has made this community the safest so it’s what I recall the most haha.

And I’m glad you agree!

 

[Chordling]

I agree with most of what has been said in this thread honestly. A lot of it falls under the same umbrella and everyone just has a different way of expressing it. ☺

 

[Asteria]

I am going to add another reason real quick (I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this before, so feel free to call me out on it), but I believe that pairings/ characters that seem problematic add a conflict that is rather necessary to a plot/ roleplay. The pairings that have been mentioned throughout this thread may be the easiest way to get that conflict without working too hard for it or needing to bring in outside NPCs or drama. The drama is already happening between the protagonists because of their conflicting natures that lead to the whole power-play-dynamic here. I have seen men asking for the same ‘abusive’ dynamics around the interest check, but I have to agree, they are the minority in this case.

As a girl that has been interested in those pairings before (in my teenage years especially), I will agree on what has been said before – I was deeply influenced by the ‘love’ depicted in media and books, but I also never went far with those roleplays that I would call them ‘abusive’. Questionable and problematic? Sure. But it was fun and real-life taught me that is not the way things work. However, in the roleplays in which my pairings played with the notion of ‘abuse’, I did it for the plot, not for some d e e p, h i d d e n desire.

I've roleplayed with girls... ladies... people with the x chromosome before who seem to have their characters as a stand-in for themselves and have hinted to that in their OOC dialogue. The difference would be the attachment to the characters you play too. Like I don't have a special attachment to my characters really, they exist to tell a story and I don't care if they get killed, maimed or mocked in a roleplay, but some people (I haven't found this as much with guys though) take their characters very seriously.

^ I am going to say something on this. The reason why you may not have found that with guys as much is because you are a guy yourself or you are someone that plays male roles (I don't know if that is the case, so feel free to correct me). In my 6 years of roleplaying, I have had only 2-3 good experiences with male roleplayers (straight ones, at least). Except that, I had male roleplayers deeply attached to their characters, guys asking me about my sex life in OOC or moving fantasies from IC to OOC or forcing 'abusive' relationships on my characters or me.

 

[Sara Sidereal]

I think it may have something to do with the fact they could've experienced some form of abuse themselves! And if not, as the previous person has stated, abusive relationships are heavily popularized in the media--specifically ones where the men abuse women. Unfortunately young females are being shown that abusive, mentally unstable men are attractive. It's unfortunate.

I don't know though, this is just my personal take! It's a topic that definitely needs to be discussed!

Do people like these relationships because of the media, or does the media display them because people like them?

 

[Kylesar1]

Here's my thoughts
Straight (Cis) Black Male, so take my thoughts with whatever grains of salt you wish to put on it:

• Fetish/kink
• Romance Novels with this dynamic (50 SoG)
• Movies with that dynamic (like Twilight)
• Anime with this dynamic (like Diabolik Lovers)

Other reasons

• Laziness- As a dom, you're in control of the relationship for both your benefits (but more for the sub). This means in far more control in the RP. Bad subs in a BDSM relationship are completely dependent on the dom and can't operate without them. A bad RPer who is a sub needs to be DRAGGED through the RP. They have no vision or they lack the communication to voice their vision. The worst 1x1 RP I've done with this dynamic is the equivalent of someone responding to your text with a laughing emoji.
• Complimentary partner- On the other hand, a good sub willingly gives up some control to the dom. In the RP, this means they have an idea and contribute, but ultimately let the dom run with it. Some have an idea, but need someone else to help them bring it to life with larger ideas. They have standards though and visions. I haven't done many of these RPs described, but the best one (also one of the best 1x1 RPs I've done ever) had this vision on what they wanted and we worked together to outline and execute. For her, it was a kink

I'm not gonna knock it. I will say that one of the best 1x1 RPs I've done is with this dynamic (Fairy male slavemaster x human woman slave in a world of human slavery to non-humans). It could be that women have to contend with the fact that men are typically both their greatest threat AND their greatest protection. It seems like a complete tug of war dynamic because, as a straight man, I am not in any way fearful of my wife. My wife isn't really fearful of me and she knows that I'll protect her against anything...........unless I yell at her. THEN, despite the fact that I have never done anything even remotely threatening to her, she'll still get scared. As her husband, if I turn abusive, while I was supposed to be her greatest protector and all of a sudden, I'm her greatest threat in a way that not even an armed gunman can be because she loves me and is thus fighting against her own fight or flight response.

Could be a thing where she may want to safely explore dangerous sexuality or dangerous romance or "tame" such a dangerous person, a sort of power fantasy. A power fantasy in the opposite extreme. A male power fantasy would involve destroying any and all threats. A female power fantasy would involve declawing or pacifying the threat or turning the threat to her side.

 

[welian]

Sometimes I just wanna get roughed up as the damsel in distress, and have a dark and turbulent romance, you know? But safely, with consent, and through a character that takes on all the trauma instead of me.

I always did really like the old Nancy Drew books where she gets kidnapped by the bad guys.

 

[Beckoncall]

I think the BIGGEST takeaway (especially for young men) is that everyone's craves are different -- but some common themes exist. You don't need to know WHY -- but be ready to play the part if you are with a partner (roleplaying or not) who might be into this.

Gender roles have come a long way very quickly in recent decades. Blurring the lines of power and control can be fascinating and fun for some, even many people.

Remember in a perfect society we strive for, women and men will be paid the same, have the same rights and opportunities, and will for all intents and purposes be equals.

That doesn't mean we don't want to push boundaries, explore certain themes, and indulge certain fantasies though. In fact in a time when gender as a concept is being explored as a more fluid concept power relationships in romance especially can be a particularly exciting frontier.