Bellz
Straight Judgin'
Questions from Melanin-Gxdess
Roxie: looking at where you are now, do you regret the way your relationship with Syd ended?
Jesus Christ, just getting right to the real shit aren't we? Uh...I mean everyone has regrets in relationships that didn't work out. There are a lot of things that I wish I would have done differently or more...that he would have done differently. At least that's the way I used to feel...since learning what I've learned about my cousin recently, I think a lot of the regret falls on me and my actions. Can't help but think that maybe if I would have just heard him out or listened more that we would still be together. But then again, I don't regret the way things ended because I feel that we both needed that time to mature...he's still the same man I loved but now he's...different. It's a great kind of different obviously but it feels a little weird sometimes. But if I'm being 100% honest...I wish things would have worked between us. He won't ever believe me but a part of me didn't stop loving him after we split, sure...I couldn't love him in the way we were in love but he's still someone I cared about. That was the hardest choice I ever had to make, not only did it affect him and me but it affected the kids...and even Matthew. Hell, if I would have just believed Syd I don't think I would be in the horrible position I'm in now...so to wrap it all up..yes, I do regret it.
Bella: did you plan for Roxie to ever get as far as she has now?
Honestly? No lol. Pyro and I decided to pair her with Syd to just test the waters and we were almost sure it was just going to be some sort of fling until we decided to get her pregnant. Roxie was only supposed to be a part-time character in the beginning but a few other players took interest in her and I decided to keep her around. She's definitely grown into a clone of me...and part of who I'd love to be. I'm glad I kept her
Roxie: knowing what you do now, what would you change about the past?
Ah, I've always been told to not dwell on the past because then the present can just pass you by so quickly...but I guess there is a lot of things I would have changed. At first, many many years ago, I wish that I wouldn't have gone to James' birthday party...that was fresh into my breakup with Syd mind you. But I think about it and...I had so many connections to him in his family that I feel would have led me down the same path I am on now. Savvy, of course, would have most likely made me come to another family event. My family's stupid involvement in the whole gang war in New York would have most likely led me to the Porters and Sullivans as well. It seems as though Syd and I and our children were inevitable at any given point in my life but if I could go back and change one thing in my past it would have to be when I met Matthew. I had been insistent that I had a lot of baggage a lot of things that...could put him at risk, but it was hard not to fall in love with that charming personality and smile. I don't regret the relationship or the time I had with him but...just knowing what I know now...that I could have saved him from me. That absolutely breaks my heart.
Roxie: who is the one person you feel you can trust the most and why?
Well, when he was alive...my fiancé was the one who I could trust the most and he had proved it many times before. Before him and now that he is gone, I've put my trust back into Syd...before he lied to me, I trusted that man with my life because he saved it and our girl's lives. Despite the lying, I've always trusted him. Hell, I lied to him before he lied to me and that man has the biggest trust issues out of anyone I've ever known and he gave me a second chance. I guess it's why I've turned to him so many times since Matthew's death. The trust I had in him was shattered more than a decade ago but during that time I've watched him change for the better. He's always been extremely loyal to his family and friends when in his right frame of mind, unfortunately for me when we were together, he wasn't quite all there. So as of right now, Syd is the one person I feel I can trust the most because I've known him long enough to know that when he fucks up --which he does a lot of the time -- he only means well.
Roxie: who is your favorite person?
Do I really have to answer this question? Let me narrow it down for you, I know who my least favorite person is. Ricky is my fucking least favorite person who is living. But my favorite person...and please don't let this ever come back to the girls because I do love them with everything I have, they just are so mean to me lately. JJ is my favorite person. He is a mama's boy through and through and the connection I have with him is very different from the one I have with the girls. He's extremely attentive and sensitive, reminds me a lot of his father in that way, and he's always asking me how I'm doing...which, the girls don't seem to do anymore. He's always been concerned about me, even when he was smaller he seemed to sense when I was upset or hurt. Those are all traits that I was glad Syd passed down to him...he's a very loving boy and I love him very much.
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Questions from BasDorcha
Bella: What of Roxie, if anything, do you see in yourself?
LOVE THIS QUESTION! ^.^ Mmmmmmmm I would say that like...70% of her is me lol. There are a lot of characteristics but to name the main ones. She's stubborn AF and that's like 100% me XD. My parents use to say that I would argue with God himself and my reply was "Ah yes I would and I would win." So Roxie and I have the same energy in that sense. I would also say I see myself in her ability to bounce back from terrible shit, I mean even before personal death in my family I had a pretty hard childhood and bounced back from it all pretty well (only 3 trips to the mental hospital lol). Finally, I would say her tenacious and go-getting attitude when it comes to doing the right thing is what I see the most of. Just doesn't know when to quit lol, could be a good or a bad thing but in my life, it's always been good so hopefully, that works out for her.
Roxie: If Syd tried to win you back, would you consider it?
...Define win? I mean...I've spent the last year keeping him at a distance and while I have let him back into my life I'm not looking for any sort of...relationship at the moment. I think Syd and I are old enough to understand that this isn't necessarily a matter of winning me back. I'm not some sort of prize at a carnival. All I'm looking for is someone to back me up, someone to support me...someone who will be honest with me when I'm searching for honesty. Which I guess given time...could win me back? I don't know...all I'm looking for at the moment is companionship and someone who I can actually call my friend without them driving a knife in my back while smiling in my face.
Roxie: What's your idea of a girls night out?
Well, before I had kids it involved going to parties or clubs and getting so drunk that I couldn't even remember how I got home. BUT...now since most of my nights out also involve taking a break from any kind of heavy social interaction I like to split at least 3 bottles of wine with my girlfriends and watch horribly cheesy romantic comedies. Oh, and binge on chocolate, can't forget about the chocolate.
Roxie: What is your favorite pastime?
Reading. I don't necessarily do it as a hobby but I do enjoy it when I finally set my mind to it.
Bella: If you could change one thing about Roxie, either in her storyline, her character, or anything, what would it be?
Is it sad I immediately know the answer to this question because it's something I talk about regularly? Pyro and I were fully ready to have Syd and Roxie just be happily married in the 80s. Am I the drama? The answer is yes. I am the drama because I wanted to drive a fucking wedge between them and look I did. I blame Pyro for letting me run amuck ruining relationships left and right. MMM we thank you for your sacrifice.
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Questions from Pyroclast
Bella: You say Roxie is the character most like you, but what's the biggest difference between you two in terms of personality?
Honestly...it's that she doesn't put up with other people's shit and I tend to put up with it lol. I mean she dropped people left and right from her life because she didn't agree with what they were doing (your boi for example) and she had the strength to move on from that. I don't really possess that kind of ability or strength lol, that's something she has that I wish I had. Not so much to drop my FH cuz I love him to pieces but other people in my life. Roxie's very good at taking out the human trash...much respect to that.
Roxie: What does a happy future look like to you?
Honestly...the closest thing I had to a happy future was the one I was supposed to have with Matthew before I decided to take this stupid position. Was hoping to get away from all the drama of the mob, maybe settle down somewhere outside of the city after I bravely decided to quit my job. Create an environment that was stable enough for my kids so that they could grow up with some normalcy. That's all I want or that's all I thought I wanted. Now...now I'm just going to be happy if I even have a future at all. Things are starting to look pretty bleak."
Bella: If you had to kill Roxie, how would you do it?
What an evil question...hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Honestly, I haven't given it much thought since the 70s. But for the most dramatic death probably being trapped in a burning building tied to something and just when you think she's gonna get free the ceiling collapses on top of her and crushes her like a bug. Oddly specific, but that's the first thing I can think of lol.
Roxie: If you had to choose between success in career and success in love life, what would you prioritize?
Welp, considering I'm a little burnt out at the moment career-wise I think I'd want to focus on my love life. However, that's really not changing anytime soon so by default focusing on my career and how things with this whole business are going to turn out is going to be my priority. Life isn't necessarily handing my lemons at the moment so I have very little control over which one I focus on. I was ready to throw myself into my love life...but I think the universe has it out for me in that arena.
Roxie: What's something that no one knows is on your bucket list?
Deep-sea scuba diving. No one knows because I never tell. Also, have this internal desire to go sky diving...but I'm too afraid of heights for that. So scuba diving is the closest diving I'll get without passing out.
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Questions from BloodThunder27
Bella: During the discussion with Pyro, what made the two of you decide to make Roxie and Syd the couple that they are now?
OOOF, that's having me tap into memories I have from almost 2 years ago now lol. I mean when I first decided to make Roxie she was supposed to be a part-time character and a potential love interest of Syd's. Pyro is very much someone who lets her characters decide for themselves and at the time that man was an absolute trainwreck (still is tho lol). Things got serious pretty fast between them which seemed natural for two intense characters like ours. Everything we planned between them made perfect sense but the direction we went in leading up to them breaking up was a little difficult. Mostly because we wanted to just see them both happy but...Roxie's too stubborn and headstrong to stick with someone who lies to her and Syd was too crazy not to lie and spy lol. So deciding on the couple they are now was pretty easy because personality-wise everything just made sense. The only part that didn't make perfect sense was the pregnancy (the first one with the twins) BUT that was something we wanted to throw in as a curveball because DRAMA
Roxie: Are you open to reconciliation with Ricky if presented with the chance? And what was your last interaction with him before his departure from Dublin?
I'm not a naturally vengeful person...and I always try to side with forgiving rather than not. However, there are just some things in this world that I do not tolerate, lying, harming innocent people, and exposing children to violence. These were all things my asshole of a father was well known for within my family and they are the makings of a monster. Ricky understands this and yet here we are. If I felt that I could honestly trust him enough to forgive him then I would make the effort to, but at this point, I think he's already too far gone for such things.
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Questions from Misty Gray
Roxie: Why don't you like the Church/Religion?
Easy. Church and religion are something that only relates to androcentric ideals or in simpler terms, a male's perspective. Women aren't allowed to be in higher positions within the church and even though there is evidence throughout history women aren't praised in religion for the same accomplishments as men. Plus for me, the church was used as a form of punishment to an extremely abusive extent. Nothing makes you want to go to church less than being beaten into submission either physically or mentally by church officials. I also knew a lot of girls who had been physically assaulted within my church specifically and were forced to be silent about it. It really messes with your head...I mean...just look at my cousin. Religion can be a good thing when it isn't being forced down your throat and used as a punishment rather than a way of finding peace but the foundation and those in power are so far gone that there isn't really a way to save it. Religion is the cause of almost any war because people who follow are in a cult-like state and cannot stand when someone brings something different to the table. It's a violent practice. Something that brings that much violence, that much anger and fear is not something I align myself with...I've seen what it's done.
Roxie: How much of Ricky do you think is inherently bad and how much is he a victim of mental illness?
Ironically enough less than 15 years ago I used to think that no one was inherently bad. That was before I knew better. Ricky...I don't think is inherently bad. Inherently bad people have been bad people all of their lives. My cousin isn't just a victim of his mental illness but I think he's a victim to this whole mob system that expected him to be someone he wasn't, thus the personality disorder developed. He's always having to wear this mask, save a face for the men around him who decided that he had to be tougher than he actually was...that he needed to do, unspeakable things. While my cousin isn't inherently a bad human being he definitely isn't a good one now, but he is a victim nonetheless.
Roxie: Do you think Ricky is in need of psychological intervention or is it too late for that now?
Well, psychological intervention seems to imply that he would need to agree that he needed it, at least to me. He is a grown man after all. But even if that were the case and he did agree to it...I think it honestly might be too late for him now. I know of the things that had happened to him in the past, I've known the things he was forced to do or I thought he was forced to do...but doing what he's done to his only flesh and blood, I think that in itself is an indicator that he's already too far gone. It's clear to me that he's not going to listen to any reason and that he doesn't care if he has to get rid of me to get out of his way...and that scares me because now I have to make the tough decision as to what to do with him. He's a danger to himself and to those closest to him now.
Roxie: What's your favorite holiday destination?
Greece. Love the beaches and love the food. 10/10 would go again.
Roxie: How much did you think about Syd in a romantic sense whilst you were with Matthew?
Short answer? Slim to none. Long answer...when Matthew and I first started dating, I was very unsure of how it was all going to go. I didn't want to put my kids through anything unnecessary in case things didn't work out between him and me and I found myself a lot of the time for their sake wishing that things would have worked out between Syd and me. There was a long time before I started my relationship with Matthew that I felt that I still loved Syd in a romantic sense and to a slight degree I did. But I had to differentiate the romantic love I had for him from the love I had for him as the father of my children in order to save myself the heartbreak. The romantic feelings I had for him slowly diminished and when Matthew and I got more serious they had basically disappeared because I knew I could be happy again...or I thought I could. Now everything is just a confusing emotional mess.
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