Me: I'm writing a book, but its kinda boring. Should I kill off a few characters in it to make it better?
Friend: What kind of book is it?
Me: An autobiography.
Friend: What kind of book is it?
Me: An autobiography.
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I found the bottom right corner of the Excel sheet. It is XFD1048576.
Evil Tip: change your text to white, then type a 0 in the box. When someone tries to print the document, it will eat up a whole ream of paper.
give us the pun pun man
A sea creature that likes to use the doorbell should be called the Knock Less Monster.
Did you hear that Wal Mart is going to add dental clinics to their stores?
There will be an express lane for people with 12 or less teeth.
8:00 am: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
3:00 pm: Too tired to think
11:00 pm: How do dragons blow out birthday candles?
I just learned that the official medical term for owning too many dogs is a 'roverdose'.
What do you call a group of rock-climbing pirates?
The Pirates of the Carabiners! Ha!
If a DnD party was made up entirely by orc bards, is that an orc-estra?
If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man, so I could go out and foil crime.
I overdosed on Viagra once. It was the hardest day of my life.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, respect and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever and brutal.
I invented a new kind of golf ball that automatically goes into the hole if it gets within four inches of it.
Note to self: DO NOT carry them in back pocket.
I figured out what happened in 2020. It is what goes on when you mix up your tarot deck and Cards Against Humanity.
I just realized: Cowboys go "Yee Haw!"
Ninjas go "Hee Yaw!"
A big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask. I mean, I still wear underwear.
Do you know what you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
I wasn't quite good enough to make it into the exclusive marionette school, but I knew a fellow that could pull some strings.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas. Everything I touch becomes felt.
In a recent poll, 80% of Americans said that they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that was asking for shelter. Please, let that sink in!
They say that you are only as old as you feel.
I must be an exhumed mummy or something.
A burglar broke into my house yesterday.
I put the red dot on his chest, and let the cat take care of it.
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 come to the same number?
10+10 equals twenty. 11+11 equals twenty too.
One tectonic plate bumps into another and says, "Sorry, my fault!"
If you give an apple tree apple juice, is that forced cannibalism? -
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