What do you call a group of rock-climbing pirates?
The Pirates of the Carabiners! Ha!
The Pirates of the Carabiners! Ha!
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If a DnD party was made up entirely by orc bards, is that an orc-estra?
If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man, so I could go out and foil crime.
I overdosed on Viagra once. It was the hardest day of my life.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, respect and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever and brutal.
I invented a new kind of golf ball that automatically goes into the hole if it gets within four inches of it.
Note to self: DO NOT carry them in back pocket.
I figured out what happened in 2020. It is what goes on when you mix up your tarot deck and Cards Against Humanity.
I just realized: Cowboys go "Yee Haw!"
Ninjas go "Hee Yaw!"
A big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask. I mean, I still wear underwear.
Do you know what you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
I wasn't quite good enough to make it into the exclusive marionette school, but I knew a fellow that could pull some strings.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas. Everything I touch becomes felt.
In a recent poll, 80% of Americans said that they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that was asking for shelter. Please, let that sink in!
They say that you are only as old as you feel.
I must be an exhumed mummy or something.
A burglar broke into my house yesterday.
I put the red dot on his chest, and let the cat take care of it.
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 come to the same number?
10+10 equals twenty. 11+11 equals twenty too.
One tectonic plate bumps into another and says, "Sorry, my fault!"
If you give an apple tree apple juice, is that forced cannibalism?
If Matthew MacConaughey were a judge:
All rise, all rise, all rise!
Just wanted to share that today my wife and I are celebrating twenty five years being married to one another. I am a very lucky man to have her in my life.
Fall in love with someone that enjoys your madness.
Not some idiot that forces you to be normal.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
You can't handle the reaper cushions.
Two elves walk into a bar.
The hobbit and dwarf both laugh and walk under it.
Nutrition labels should have a 'What if I ate the whole damn thing?' section.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thanks!"
I replied, "Don't mention it." -
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