Sherwood

Sherwood · Mar 18, 2020

Cat Vampire: Let me in!
Me: Ok.
<Opens door>
Cat Vampire: You fool! Now I will drain your blood! Mwuhaha!
Me: . . .
Cat Vampire: I changed my mind. Let me out.

Sherwood · Mar 18, 2020

I got the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' mixed up. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Sherwood · Mar 18, 2020

Me: So Christ's body is the bread?
Priest: Yes.
Me: And he rose from the grave.
Priest: Yes.
Me: Was it because of the yeast?
Priest: Um, no.
Me: Ok, I'm officially confused.

Sherwood · Mar 18, 2020

Can a ghost and a zombie come from the same person?

Sherwood · Mar 17, 2020

Me: I just love my new indestructible walls. I just wish I had some Kool-Aid.
<audible thump outside>
Me: What was that?

Sherwood · Mar 17, 2020

I don't understand why people don't instantly respond to the question of 'what superpower would you want' with the ability to alter probabilities. Just think about it. What's the probability that someone is about to just drop a million dollars in front of me? 0%. Lets change that to 100%. What's the probability that I'll wake up tomorrow and Gillian Anderson wants to come over to my place and hook up with me? 100%. What's the probability that I'll walk into the bathroom and find that the bathtub has been filled with tapioca pudding? 100%

Sherwood · Mar 16, 2020

A monkey was arrested at the zoo for flinging his feces at people. Three zoo employees were taken to the hospital with turd degree burns.

Sherwood · Mar 14, 2020

I believe that a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if cowboy architects would simply have made towns big enough for everyone.

Sherwood · Mar 13, 2020

If you were to take a poop on an elevator, could you say that you were taking that shit to another level?

Sherwood · Mar 10, 2020

God: How many more animals are there to create?
Angel: Two.
God: And how many legs do we have left?
Angel: One hundred.
Centipede: Dibs!
Snake: Asshole!

Sherwood · Mar 10, 2020

The Beauty Industry:
For men: this can be used as shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouthwash, toothpaste, engine degreaser, spackle or sunscreen.
For women: we have a special bottle for your left elbow.

Sherwood · Mar 10, 2020

I overheard a guy at Target the other day trying to return a pile of 30-some odd pool noodles. When the cashier asked him why, the guy says, "The shopping list just said noodles. Boy, was my wife mad!"

Sherwood · Mar 10, 2020

God and the Mammoth are having a conversation:
Mammoth: I want you to take out the dinosaurs. <slips him a stack of bills>
God: <pocketing the money> How do you want it to happen?
Mammoth: Make it look like an accident.
God: I'll hit em with a rock.
Mammoth: I said an accident.
God: A big-ass space rock!

Sherwood · Mar 10, 2020

*during the creation of the kangaroo*
God: Ok, so the deer was a big hit. Lets work off of that.
Angel 1: What if it could carry its offspring with it for protection?
God: That's kinda weak, but we'll add it.
Angel 2: What if it could kick the shit out of you?
God: There it is.

Sherwood · Mar 10, 2020

I am not in denial, I am just selective in the reality that I accept.

Sherwood · Mar 9, 2020

Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of the night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

Sherwood · Mar 9, 2020

What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?

2 Kilomockingbirds! Ha!

Sherwood · Mar 9, 2020

A brief explanation of what an acorn is:
In a nutshell, its a oak tree.

Sherwood · Mar 7, 2020

Me: I've finally conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit!
Me: Oh, crap! Where?

Sherwood · Mar 7, 2020

Do you know where Sith Lords go shopping? At the Darth Maul! Ha!

Sherwood · Mar 5, 2020

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. I took her to a Subway. That's when the fight started.