Toilet paper alternative: Spray Pam between your cheeks and the poop won't stick. Don't ask how I found this out.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to do it, and the second to add an unexpected twist at the end.
Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire by sitting around the house in his pajamas. Somehow, that is not happening for me.
Did you hear in the news about the ice cream truck that crashed? He blamed it on the Rocky Road!
I wanted to become a monk, but I never got the chants.
A friend of mine was trying to explain electricity to me and I was like, "Watt?"
Beer cures what ales you.
The four seasons are all different. Summer warmer than others.
Butterflies are not what they used to be.
A few puns make me numb, but math puns make me number.
When I was showering earlier, I was wondering how the word 'Mercedes' can have three letter 'E's' and all of them sound different.
Me, getting murdered by the mailman.
My dog: Hmmm, if only there was someone that could have warned you about how dangerous the mailman was, perhaps this wouldn't be happening. OH, WAIT! I did, and you didn't believe me!
Me as a building inspector: Well, you say that everything is up to code, but I have been talking to that four year old and he says that the floor is lava. I shouldn't have to say that having a floor that is lava is a very serious safety violation!
Interviewer: So, what would you say is your str---
Me: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
Interviewer: Ok, so what is your we--
Me: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My plan:
Buy fifteen identical cats
Invite someone over
Tell them that I have only one cat, but he's really fast.
Me, storms into McDonalds: I demand to speak with the manager!
McDonalds employee: What seems to be the problem, sir?
Me: I ordered two large fries, and all I got was hundreds of these little ones! <Dumps bag over the counter> See?!? Not a single large one in the bunch!
Me, on Wheel of Fortune: I want to buy an owl.
Pat Sajak: Do you mean you want to buy a vowel?
Me: No. Someone told me that I could get an owl.
Pat Sajak: Who?
Me: I just heard it!
Boss: You are fired!
Me: I guess I won't be needing these . . . <Turns in my badge and my gun>
Boss: You were a waiter. What the hell were you doing with those?
Me in Heaven:
GOD: You may ask me one question.
Me: Why aren't there upper case and lower case numbers?
GOD: What?
Me: I want to be able to write really loud numbers.
Cop: We found the person that stole your identity and was impersonating you.
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating chocolate and crying in his car.
Me: Wow. He really went with it. I'm impressed!
Should we make a new social media place for those people that are anti-social? We can call it "Get out of my Face Book"
Do you think that prison guards should use Proactive to prevent breakouts?
Fun Christmas idea: Instead of kissing someone under the mistletoe, you have to fight them. We'll call it mistlefoe, and it will be the real way we 'deck the halls' this December.
Vampires have been pioneers of the whole 'social distancing and self-quarantine' thing. They've been staying inside, avoiding people, and sleeping all day for centuries. What has it gotten them? Perfect skin and immortality. Perhaps we should take notes?
Me, in Hell:
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!
Me: Awesome! I'm a glutton for punishment!
Demon: <quietly in to walkie-talkie> I need a supervisor here. -
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