Realistic or Modern hollywood arts: main (open!!)

Kio.exe · Nov 30, 2020

MOOD: a stupid beautiful angel

OUTFIT: XoXo

LOCATION: the fair
basics

MENTIONS:
Javi ( hery )
INT:
Kai ( elaaraa )
tags

TL;DR Kai is the most beautiful person Kane’s ever seen.
tl;dr

Kane Blackmore

Pumpkins and Angels.

If Kane had thought Kai was beautiful before, he didn’t have words for what he felt in his chest as a smile bloomed across Kai’s features, and for a moment it was hard to breathe. Kane simply stood there, for a moment, rooted in place as Kai directed the full weight of that angelic smile at him, before the corners of his own lips rose to match his friend’s.

“You think I’m beautiful?” Kai asked. “I mean...I didn’t hear you. Can you please say that again?”

Kane’s brow furrowed in a moment of confusion, before he realized that Kai was just teasing. He wasn’t mad! Kai was leaning in closer and closer until their faces were only a few inches apart, and Kane could feel his warm breath on his lips. God he wanted to kiss him. He couldn’t stop his eyes from flicking down to Kai’s soft, full lips, before raising his grey eyes back to Kai’s own. Too soon, however, Kai pulled away, leaving Kane cold and his wish left unanswered.

“The mirror?” He asked, his brow furrowed in real confusion this time. “There’s no mirrors around here, Kai babe. I was talking about you,” he corrected, frowning. “You’re very beautiful.”

Kane pressed close to Kai as he was tugged along, happily listening as Kai named off several food choices, not caring in the least what they ended up getting. His stomach was too jittery to eat much anyways. Kane simply nodded at Kai’s suggestion to meet up with Mari and her friends after, even though his heart silently sank at the thought of it. His alone time with Kai would have to come to an end at some point, right?

The pumpkin patch was on their right, and Kane stopped in his tracks to look at the many orange and white pumpkins, of all shapes and sizes. He adored pumpkins, though he couldn’t explain why. They were so...perfect. So smooth and bright and quaint. The corners of his mouth turned up in a small smile as he stood by the fence, peering over it to observe them.

He turned to Kai, the small smile still on his face. “Look at them Kai! They’re so...perfect,” he said quietly, his eyes flicking back and forth between the two sights that captivated him so. You’re perfect, Kane wanted to say, but he didn’t. This night was perfect. Even Javi was being nice to him, even agreeing to come home and cuddle with him if Kane cooked Alfredo and steak sandwiches—a strange combination, but one he was willing to try, if only so Javier would be happy.

Kane smiled brightly at Kai, his dimples surely on full display. “Don’t you just love the fall, Kai? The fair, the colors, the smell of the air. It’s so perfect. So so beautiful,” he chirped, pressing his shoulder against Kai’s. He knew he sounded redundant, but there was no other way to put it. He was the happiest he’d been in years, here with Kai. He would gladly stay by this fence with Kai and the pumpkins forever.

The sun was starting to set, coloring the sky an ombré of orange, red and navy blue, the bright, full moon hanging in the sky. The last golden rays of the sun shone across Kai’s face, and Kane was unable to keep himself from taking a single, gentle finger and touching Kai’s cheek, where the light made him look like he was glowing from within, Kane’s own guardian angel. He had no way to explain the utter euphoria that filled him at the sight, and a startled laugh escaped from him. Where his finger touched Kai’s cheek, it glowed golden, like some of the aura was rubbing off on Kane.

“An angel,” Kane was unable to stop himself from saying quietly. Reverently. “You look like an angel,” he continued, his grin growing wider when he had not thought it possible. Another giddy laugh escaped him and Kane flattened his palm against Kai’s cheek, watching as his hand turned golden to match Kai’s skin. He dropped his hand by his side, not wanting to steal Kai’s light any longer, content to watch as the murky golden light shifted, wreathing his friend in living flame

“A perfect, beautiful angel.”

code by valen t.

ditto · Nov 30, 2020

fillerfillerfillfillerfillerfillersdlerfilelifr 4:00 PM fillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillderfillerfilr

... trevor callaghan ...

MOOD

...

LOCATION

fairgrounds

TAGS

ash

Winona

She didn’t speak for a moment, and Trevor’s breathing hitched.

Ash’s silence was deafening. Was she going to just ignore him? Was she going to just turn him away and force him out? Was she going to open her lips and insist that it was nothing?

If she did, he didn’t know what he would do. Shut up? Turn away? Or push further?

Probably the latter. He couldn’t ever let anything go.

Then, she turned to look at him, eyes unsure— searching for any sign that he was wavering. He knew what she was doing— he did it too often himself— and he hated it. If she could talk herself out of telling him, then she was just going to suffer in silence, and he would be able to convince himself that, yeah, he really shouldn’t care in the first place, and him caring whatsoever and speaking tour bout him caring was him betraying his plan to come away from this unscathed.

Her eyes locked with his. His heart waited to beat; his brain waited to think. His dread receded its grip for a moment.

“Everything.” Her voice was quiet— a whisper so faint that he could hardly hear it.

Everything.

His heart, aching, thrust itself at his chest.

"I just... I didn't want Nic to get hurt, so I just... I told him some stuff. Promised him some things so he'd tell me where he was and I could tell Lucky.”

Nic…

The name sounded small out of her mouth. His jealous nature pushed the conclusion that this boy had been the one to hurt her, but he stopped that line of thinking. This was…this was Ash opening up to him. He had no need to inject his own feelings into it.

“Well I didn't think he'd go on public Twitter and just start... start telling everyone that I was ditching you to go see him, right? And I just...”

Ditching him…to see him…

Had she planned to do that?

For some reason, that sent another ache through his heart.

Damn.

Damn it all.

He had no right to feel that way, right. He had planned to ditch her, too— at first. And even just before they had entered the cart, he had considered ditching.

He could look past that hurt right now. Again, she was talking.

But…

Maybe that meant that…

No. Shut up.

She was the important one right now. Regardless of how he felt about what she was saying, she was hurting. She was in turmoil. He was looking too deep into things, and he needed to stop.

She needed him to listen right now. That was what he would do.

"So I messaged Charlie to tell her what was happening so she wouldn't get mad at me again for 'not giving the date with Trevor a fair try.’” Her eyes moved away from him. He released the breath that he had been holding. "So she asks me if I like Nic, which I don't, which then always— always— turns into her pushing me about you. 'Just tell Trevor you like him.' 'You're going to hurt Trevor if you keep leading him on.' 'Trevor likes you but he won't admit it.'"

She paused a beat.

Trevor refused to think at this point in time.

"Everything goes back to you. Charlie gets pissed at me about us not dating. Eli tells me you're running. Nic whines about me liking you. Lin says they picked the perfect guy and we were going to fuck in a Porta-Potty. And I..."

Another beat.

He pushed himself to not look further into her words.

"Everyone is so wrapped up in this idea that you like me and that I'm going to hurt you that no one will shut up and listen when I tell them that we talked about it and you just want to be friends. No one cares, and I'm so... tired of everyone being more worried about how you're feeling and how you might get hurt that no one is asking how I feel, and no one is listening when I tell them what you said, and... and...I don't know what to do."

Now Trevor could not think. As he stared at the side of Ash’s head, he could feel the gunky cogs with his brain straining to turn.

His eyes left her and went to the sky.

She hadn’t said what he thought that he had heard. No, she couldn’t’ve. He was looking too far deeply into this. Charlie, she had said, was pressuring her to confess— confess something that she didn’t have. Nic was angry at her because she liked him— no, no, she had had to have meant because he thought that she him, but she didn’t, because…— because…

Shut up. Stop thinking.

He was being…selfish. That was what it boiled down to. What he had taken away from that was that she…she…

She…in the end, she…

She had said that she…

That no one was listening to what she said that he had said.

No one was listening to…what he had said.

It was his words. His…his…lie— his blatant, sucker-faced lie to preserve them. His lie of no, we are just friends— his lie, his fucking lie. The thing that he had tried to convince himself, then given up on convincing himself with, and then resumed trying to convince himself with.

Come to think of it, where was the them in that situation? In the moment— in every moment that he said it— he said that it was to protect Ash. To protect Ash from himself, to protect Ash from having to deal with an awkward friendship, to protect Ash from having to hear that, to protect Ash from being grieved.

But… fuck.

There was no them. If he looked past what he told himself that it was all for, he found what he had known all along:

In the end, he had said it so that Ash wouldn’t think that he liked her. He had said that so that he could preserve himself. He had said it to keep his pride in tact. Because he couldn’t handle rejection, because he couldn’t handle relationships, because he couldn’t handle commitment, because he couldn’t fucking deal with his problems.

In the end…

In the end, regardless of whether she liked him back or whatever…

Fuck.

In the end, it all boiled down to him.

In the end, he had done this to Ash. He had done this to Ash. He had done this to Ash.

Fuck.

He ruined everything.

He was so…selfish.

He…

He…

He could…

He could…

He could…

He could—

Fuck! Fuck this! Fuck his overthinking it! Fuck his stuttering and stammering and struggling and avoiding everything! fuck his pride! Fuck—

He could fix this. That was what he was thinking—

But I can’t say t—

What was the point in thinking that anymore? He’d already hurt Ash, and he could add the enough there, but the vow that he had made was to end the night without hurting her.

And he’d broken that.

So what was the point?

The guilt that he felt made him nearly want to vomit.

He had been sitting in silence this whole time, eyes glued to nowhere in particular in the sky.

She was waiting for a response. He knew this. She was waiting for him to offer some solace and—

And he couldn’t do that.

But…

But he could…

He could do this—

He could do what he could.

He could…

Tell her.

He looked over at her.

His mouth went dry. His eyes felt itchy. He had to puke. His hands were shaking, his heart was trembling, he couldn’t breathe. He felt like he was going to piss himself.

When he opened his mouth to speak, no sound came out.

He…

He…

H—

Damn it, Sean! Speak up! 
She’s suffering!

“Ash.” His own voice surprised him. It was strong. Firm. Not warbly, not dry, not shaky. Confident.

No, not confident.

Determined.

“Darlin’…”

Spit it out.

“I—“

He…?

He became aware of his surroundings suddenly.

They were at the end of the ride. They had rounded all the way down to the bottom.

Great. Nevermind. Nevermind. He could get out of this. She didn’t—

No.

No.

No, he wasn’t pulling that shit again.

He was going to tell her.

“I have ta tell ya som’n. I—”

The ride was pulling to a stop at the bottom.

He could blurt it out—

But no, he couldn’t.

He couldn’t do that to her. That would...

Make things worse. He knew himself. If he did that, he would drop the bombshell and then..run.

They had to get away.

“I...I can’t say it here,” he said.

The worker opened the cart, and he met her eyes for a split second.

“Come with me. Let’s get away from here. I can’t say it here.”

With that, they offloaded, and Trevor headed back towards the parking lot.

He simultaneously prayed that Ash was following and that she was walking away.

He was silent, unspeaking.

He didn’t trust his lips to move.

All the way to the van, and then inside of his van.

He...

He could do this.

He would take her to his place.

And...

He would tell her.

And then...

And then he would take her home and that...

That would be that.

He could do it.

He had to.

code by ditto (head empty go bonk)

Winona · Nov 30, 2020

fillerfillerfillfillerfillerfillerlerfilelifr 4:00 PM fillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfilr

Jace

INTERACTIONS

Calcium

MENTIONS

N/A

TAGS

hery

Callum... wanted to talk to... him... to Jace.

Yep, Jace definitely had some kind of incurable, deadly disease and he was set to expire by the end of the week. His parents and probably stupid Ash had gone out of their way to tell his classmates, and now they pitied him. That would explain why Lucky had asked to partner up for the Arts Festival and that would explain why Callum had messaged him and why Callum was now seated across from him, asking to talk. It was all an act of pity for the sick, dying boy.

There was no other reasonable explanation for these actions. Nope.

Plus, it was someone coming to Jace to complain about Ash. That never happened. Never ever ever ever in the history of Jace's life had someone come to him to complain about her. Plenty of people went to Ash to complain about him, but the roles were never reversed. So surely, yes, this was all to make him happy before he died.

He'd have to thank his mother for the thoughtful parting gift.

"I put glue in her shampoo once," Jace commented nonchalantly. Turns out that also discussing a deep hatred of his sister could also stop the stuttering boy from tripping over his words. He looked back down at the funnel cake, breaking off a piece of it and popping it into his mouth. He chewed slowly, thinking, before he opened his mouth to speak again. "Good revenge... I guess... if that's what you're uhhh... talking about..." now his words started to stutter again.

"What are you ahh.... okay..." the question he wanted to ask died on his tongue when Jace realized that, well, he really didn't know what to actually ask. He stopped talking. His fingers started tapping against his thigh in a rhythm that was only known to Jace, a melodic sound echoing in his head as he pictured the keys his fingers would strike.

"You said she... what did she... do...? Blow you off... blow you off or... something?"

code by ditto (head empty go bonk)

Winona · Nov 30, 2020

fillerfillerfillfillerfillerfillerlerfilelifr IDK PMfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfilr

Ash

INTERACTIONS

Trevor

MENTIONS

Nic, Charlie, Lin, Ellie, Lucky

TAGS

ditto

She...

Ash...

He didn't respond to her, and she instantly started to kick herself for saying anything. She was so stupid. Of course he wouldn't say anything! Why would he say anything? What she was complaining about, what was bothering her, it shouldn't affect her the way that it was, and she shouldn't be bothering Trevor with it again. Every mention of it, of there being something more than what they'd always been, set them back ten steps. It just made everything worse.

She should've swallowed it. She should've kept it to herself, bottled up the pain and the anger and the stress and the confusion, and shoved it all down deep inside of her. It wasn't Trevor's burden to carry because at the end of the day, he wasn't the one sending the messages. He wasn't asking them to do any of this. At the end of the day, it was her issue and hers alone -- Trevor had made his feelings on the matter clear enough, and it wasn't fair to keep dragging him back just because a handful of people wouldn't leave her alone about it.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Part of her considered just jumping off of the Ferris wheel. Surely death or a broken leg would be better than the embarrassment of sitting through the rest of this ride, but instead of going for that, Ash just focused on the stars overhead as they went around. She tried to make out the constellations that she could recognize and did her best to just… focus on the stars. Tune out everything else around her.

Tune out Trevor beside her. Tune out the raging storm in her head. Tune out even the sounds of the Ferris wheel as it creaked. Tune out the palpitating of her heart as it tried to keep up with the stress that Ash felt. Tune out the churning of her stomach. Tune out everything so she could just, she could just...

She could just be.

All Ash had wanted tonight after seeing that her date was Trevor and preparing herself from the undeniable fact that nothing good could possibly come out of the two of them being alone together in the context of a date had been to ride the Ferris wheel. See the stars overhead and the lights of LA laid out before her. One tiny little thing that she wanted to be left untouched by the toxicity that seemed to follow in her wake. Just... this one little thing that she wanted to go well. That she didn't want to erupt into flames.

Turns out she couldn't even have that and trying to put an optimistic spin on her current predicament was becoming harder and harder by the second. Her ability to fake a smile was waning and Ash just wanted to go home. Go home and crawl into bed with a bottle of vodka and Jeffrey and just forget the rest of the world.

Alcohol had gotten her into this mess with Trevor, and alcohol could get her out of this mess with Trevor.

Well, not out of it, but help her forget for a night.

Trevor started talking, but she didn't look over at him. She couldn't look over at him. She kept her eyes on the sky as he tripped over her name, and then tripped over his nickname for her, and that was it. Just like every other attempted conversation between them for the night, Trevor wasn't even able to get her name out.

And every utterance of darlin?

It was like another needle being pierced through her heart.

But then he said that he had to tell her something, and that caught her attention. Something different from the rest of the night, but she didn't turn her head to look at him. She just listened. Waited to see if he managed to spit out whatever it was that had caught his attention, but... just like everything else...

Trevor fell short.

The cart came to a stop as Trevor told her that he couldn't say it here. Now, Ash's attention was focused on him. She looked over at him, her gaze meeting his for a split second.

“Come with me. Let’s get away from here. I can’t say it here.”

That had bad idea written all over it. When they were alone, hidden away from the prying gazes of the rest of the world, bad things happened. Bad things that had landed them in this very situation. That had ended with them here and barely able to speak to one another, so she couldn't figure out why he would want to repeat the same mistake again.

Insanity was the act of repeating something over and over and expecting different results.

This was insanity.

Following Trevor, going with Trevor, away from here and to wherever there might be was insanity.

It would end in the same way that Homecoming night had ended. That Monday morning had ended. That Monday afternoon had ended. It would end with them inches apart, dancing around a confession that both of them were too scared to be the first to admit to, because admitting it would be setting themselves up for rejection, for heartbreak.

Insanity was going with Trevor and expecting the night to not end on a "we're just friends, alright?" kind of note.

"Okay."

She hopped out of the cart after Trevor and followed after him. Ash tried to keep pace with him, but he was walking faster than he had for the rest of the night, so she ended up slowing down a bit and trailing after him. She didn't know where he was taking her, but she didn't care. Wherever it was, she just hoped that they got there soon.

Soon, so they could have the same repeated talk.

So they could come to the conclusion that they were just friends again.

They headed past the rides, past the hot chocolate stand and the other food places, and Ash's eyebrows creased together. Where in the hell were they going?

Now, she was following him less out of a curiosity for what he had to say, and more for a curiosity of where he wanted to take her.

Their steps took them through the fair gates and Ash's steps faltered for a moment. Part of her wanted to stop him right there, ask him what the hell was going on, what he was thinking, where they were going...

But it wasn't like there was anything at the fair for her anymore. Well, other than Ash having promised Gen that she would message her when she was ready to leave and they would go home -- together -- and get drunk, but... Gen would probably understand, right? If Ash said that Trevor had been leaving and taken her home?

God, she hoped so. Ash couldn't handle someone else yelling at her tonight.

She squeezed her eyes shut, inhaled a deep breath, and then exhaled. Her eyes flickered back open and then she started walking again -- this time having to speed up to catch back up with Trevor as they continued their journey through the parking lot until they arrived at the van. Yep, so they were definitely going somewhere.

"Where are we going?" Ash asked as she opened the door and climbed in.

She settled back into the seat, buckling the seatbelt, and waited for...

Whatever came next.

Her fingers started fiddling with the seatbelt, anything to keep her hands busy in a weak attempt to try and keep her mind busy.

code by ditto (head empty go bonk)

geminiy · Nov 30, 2020

Charlie Howell

There he went, once again surprising Charlie with his movements and words and emotion. Charlie hadn’t been sure if Lin was going to hug her back, instead just standing there awkwardly with the tiny blonde wrapped around him, or if he was going to push her off in confusion. Lin hugging her back, holding her close as if he wanted to, was in absolutely zero of the pre-calculated outcomes to the situation. She wasn’t mad about it, of course. Who hugs someone and then gets mad when the person they hug hugs them back?

Part of Charlie felt stupid. Here she was, having just gotten over crying in yet another public washroom before practically bulldozing Lin over, death gripping the boy like he was her last anchor to happiness. But the other part could hear the rhythmic thumping of Lin’s heart in his chest, the other part could focus on the feeling of his head resting atop her own, the feeling of his arms shielding her from whatever pain had threatened to plague her. Security. He was safe.

After Charlie spoke, her speech frantic and jumbled, she instantly regretted speaking at all. Leave it to her to make things awkward yet again. No amount of profuse apologizing or any of her classic attempts to push people away to keep them safe worked. Lin was steadfast in his decision to stay with her, unconditionally being there for her. In the brief silence following her little speech about ruining everything once again, Charlie couldn’t help but wonder when the last time someone was unconditionally there for her.

Amy didn’t count, neither did Josie or Trevor. The three of them had been Charlie’s rock since she had been at Hollywood Arts. She lived with them, and Josie was family, so of course they had to be there for her. Cole never got angry with her, even when her thoughts were untamed and her emotions ruling over her, but he couldn’t count either. At that point, he was more of a brother to Charlie than her own biological brothers most of the time. Maybe Ash would have counted. There was a strong possibility that Charlie would have considered her love unconditional if they hadn’t just had a massive argument that Charlie was certain put a tight stopper on their bottle of friendship.

So who counted? Someone unconditional, unrelated, non-roommate… Simply being there for her. Lin. He was the only one Charlie could think of. It was almost ironic that he had become such a staple in her life. Their friendship was unexpected but, in some strange turn of events, became one of the best friendships Charlie had ever had. All it took was one ‘King Charles’ and a stupid grin and a bet and their friendship was off. Charlie wished she could sit her fourteen year old self down and tell her what was happening, how bizarre everything was. Maybe everyone else could have anticipated that Charlie and Lin would have eventually ended up on some sort of date, blind or not. But Charlie could never have guessed that a bet and a few jokes would have landed them there three years later.

She listened quietly and carefully as Lin spoke, her cheeks growing warm as he gently moved a strand of her hair away from her face. Every part of Charlie’s mind was trying to convince her that he was only being nice because he felt bad or trying to get her to stumble up so he could win the bet. But he had never gone through so much effort to win before, so what changed now? Charlie could only assume that Lin was being honest and serious. Wow, who would’ve thought that that was possible? But, any shred of doubt about the genuineness of his words and actions was ripped away with Lin’s next few words, completely obliterating the fear of rejection.

“Me and you…I think we have something. Whatever it is, I hope we can figure it out. Even if it’s just me and you against the world…”

Well shit.

Charlie’s face dropped, eyes widening slightly in the midst of the mild shock. He said that. He confirmed it. Maybe it was a rather sneaky way of saying that he cared about her the same way she cared about him, as to not ruin the bet or something, but it was there. There was no second-guessing the meaning of those phrases, no room for wondering if she was overanalyzing things.

Their faces grew closer together, Charlie’s arms moving from around Lin’s waist to around his neck in a silent request for him to come closer. The bet was off, it seemed. After all, Charlie was fairly certain kissing was a fairly good indicator that you were really into your date. But, before anything could happen, Lin pulled away. Of all the times the pair had nearly kissed, Charlie was the most frustrated in that exact moment. She moved her arms from around Lin’s neck with an overly dramatic groan, her hands resting just below’s Lin’s collarbones.

“This stupid bet is gonna be the end of me.” Charlie stated nonchalantly as Lin pulled her in again, laughing at his portapotty joke. “I promise you, you are not gonna be the ‘lucky guy’ behind door four unless you plan on finding someone else to screw you in there. I personally don’t think a pot of urine and feces in a really hot and stuffy tiny plastic rectangle is the most perfect or most sanitary place to get laid but maybe that’s just me.”

Charlie fell silent for a moment, thinking over her choices carefully. The moment wasn’t entirely over, so it wouldn’t be entirely out of the question if Charlie just kissed Lin like she wanted to. But that would mean she would lose the bet.

“You know, you could theoretically take the loss and just kiss me. You know you waaaant tooooo.” Charlie teased in a singsong voice, pulling away from Lin slightly so she could properly look up at him as she playfully wiggled her eyebrows. “I know, it truly is a shame that you’re going to have to be the one to lose but you should be used to it by now. I mean, you usually lose to me so what’s one more loss for the records? I would be the one to initiate it but I don’t lose, especially not to you.”

Charlie ducked under Lin’s arms, grabbing his hands as she turned around to get out of the hug.

“Or, theoretically, we could distract ourselves by making ourselves hella sick on the remaining rides, which would be hype, and get the whole kiss thing out of the way at 12:01am.” Charlie continued with a giggle, spinning herself around to be beside Lin with his arm around her shoulder and her hand still in his. “Either way, I’m good with it because in both cases, I still win. Don’t think I’m just gonna give up on this bet just because you’re all handsome and sweet and shit. I still play to win, Big Man. But if you wanna lose, that’s totally cool. I get it. But, even though I’ll feel really bad about making you clean my closet as my boyfriend, I will be holding up my end of the bet as the true victor.”

location

the fair

mood

'must... not... lose...'

outfit

autumn vibes

TAGS

ash

Winona

Each step that Trevor took sent a shock of adrenaline through his veins. His thoughts constantly contradicted one another; his logic was battling with his ego, and the winner was yet uncertain.

With every plod of his feet against the ground, Trevor told himself that he had to do this. He had to do this. He had avoided it so long, and now he had to do this. He had to get this off of his chest— open the cage, uncover the pothole, let his dirty laundry air out for the whole world to see— because if he didn’t, Ash would just hurt more.

Her hurting was his fault. This was the only way that he could make amends for that.

But he could just not. He could just drop it and run away— or make up a random fact that he had to tell her. He had hypertension, he thought that there had been a peanut in the hot chocolate and he was breaking out, or this wasn’t important in the first place. It was a lapse of judgement, him telling her that he had something to tell her— while not a lie, it hadn’t been a logical thing, and she didn’t need to hear it after all.

Her hurting and then hearing this would only cause more hurting. If he made amends that way, then, sure, he’d show himself to have balls, but he’d also be such a dick.

Could he really accept the consequences if she started bawling because of him? Could he really handle that? Could he accept that, if that was what happened.

This argument fell flat to his logical side, whose arguments fell flat to his ego’s side, and in the end, he had no idea what he should do—

Well, he did know.

And that was get the hell out of here. Wherever the hell out of here was.

He walked out of the gate, his eyes set forward, not looking to either side of himself.

He was going to do this. He was going to do this.

But he could just not—

But he was going to.

“Where are we going?”

Her voice didn’t jar him from his thoughts as it usually did. His burning chest was too preoccupied with the panic of figuring out what the hell he was going to do to flutter or panic over the fact that she was speaking to him.

He threw himself in his driver’s seat. He’d cleaned it this morning— vacuumed it out, thrown three cherry air fresheners it— but the familiar, faint scent of weed that hung in it constantly offered a bit of comfort.

Which he rejected.

“My place,” he said simply, buckling in. “It’s too chilly out here…”

’n if we’re at home, maybe I can spit it out easier.

He turned Rachel on, and, when the radio came to life, he didn’t bother to change it from its place on the pop radio. Even on the low volume, he could hear the words of the songs clearly, and, as he pulled onto the road, he decided that he could distract himself.

Listen to the music. Get lost in it.

Take a moment to breathe.

And shut up.

Always been one for

Biting my tongue til

Blood starts to fill my mouth

And oh how romantic

We both like to panic

When there's something to talk about

He pulled onto the road, his eyes set in front of him. He could feel his headache trying to set in again. He needed something to smoke right now. He couldn’t handle this.

He was going to confess. He was on his way to the place where he was going to confess.

It was like he was approaching the guillotine. His time and place of death was set. If he had the balls to stand up straight and walk to the contraption with a smile on his lips, then there would be something to be said about it.

He had no balls. He’d said this before.

But maybe just this once, he could look that executioner in his eyes and tell him just a bit off of the top.

He could do this.

I wanna say you feel the same

I hesitate 'cause I'm afraid you don't

Wish I could get inside your head

And write what we been thinkin' on a note

His breathing was rapid. His heart palpitated in his chest. It was too hot, and then too cold, and this his face was hot but his hands were freezing. His palms were sweaty and sticky against his plush, dark green wheel cover. When he shifted his hands, large indentations of where his hands had been remained.

He could feel his arms trembling.

He was afraid. He was panicked, and he was afraid.

He was approaching his death, and he needed to look it in the eyes.

Balls. He needed to muster up the balls.

I'll say it in the shower

And I'll say it when I'm drunk

I'll remind you every hour how I say it just for fun

His lips worked against one another, shifting back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. He needed chapstick— his lips were too dry.

He looked terrible. He needed to go freshen up. Plot twist, Ash— the thing that he had to tell her was that he really had to pee but had the fear of doing it in public places. She’d caught him red-handed.

Stop making excuses.

But it was so easy to.

He could still bail on this.

He could still opt out.

He could steal a quick glance at the executioner and bolt.

I say it when you wake up

While you're putting on your makeup

I always finish last but you know I say it back

You say it—

First

He was terrified. Petrified. Every turn that he made caused more excuses as to why he couldn’t do this pop into his head. He was tired, he wasn’t thinking straight, the shock from finding out that he was on this date was getting to his head. He’d gotten some kind of second-hand high or something. Someone’d drugged his coffee and muddied his mind. He was too cold, and that was the reason why he’d left, and he had nothing to tell her.

Excuses. Excuses, excuses, excuses.

They were fucking dumb.

They were all so fucking dumb.

Why couldn’t he do this? Why couldn’t he just open his lips and…let it out? Why couldn’t he tell her?

He had no reason.

He could.

He had to.

As soon as they got in, he was going to.

He was going to sit her down on the couch.

And he was going to tell her.

And he was going to accept whatever answer he gave her.

And that was going to be that.

It wouldn’t be up to him anymore.

He wouldn’t have to hold himself back or keep his fucking trap shut.

Because here, he’d be letting it out.

Against the will of his ego, against his heart’s desires.

Because, in the end, he knew that this was what was right to do. Past all of those excuses, there was no defense.

He had to tell her.

He had to tell her.

He had to tell her before he hurt her any more.

His apartment came into view, and his throat caught his breath. His mouth grew dry, and he felt himself begin to sweat.

His jaw trembled. Beneath his eye twitched.

He pulled into a parking spot.

Shite.

Shite.

Shite.

He was here.

Last chance to up and bolt.

Last chance to let a lie slip right here.

Last chance to hastily cover it up.

Last chance to turn against his logic and do the selfish but safe act of telling her some weird, concocted excuse as to why he had brought her here.

Last chance to turn back.

He could take it.

If he took it, really, it wouldn’t change anything. Life would go on as usual.

But he would be unredeemed. He would have this damn secret that he was hiding from Ash. He would still have this secret, it would still be miserable when she was around him, and he, in the end, would still be hurting her.

He couldn’t have that.

Determinedly, he shifted his car into park and stepped out. He couldn’t even steal a glance at Ash’s figure.

Then, he began his trek up to the guillotine.

One foot on the stairs.

Don’t run.

Halfway up them now.

No turning back.

Up to his door.

Don’t be fucking selfish.

Key inside of the lock.

You can…

Door unlocked.

You have to…

Doorknob beneath his hands.

His breathing hitched, and he stood there for a moment.

Fucking do it.

He twisted the knob and pushed the door open.

The familiar smell of the apartment wafted to his nose, and he stepped inside, slipping his shoes off.

He stood for a moment before shutting the door.

He swallowed hard, blinking a few times. He could feel himself shaking.

He was here.

He was here.

Here, he was going to tell here.

Here.

Here.

Here, all of the work that he had put into creating the illusion that they were just friends was going to be dissolved.

Here, his lies were going to be exposed— his selfish lies were going to be exposed.

Here, he was on the chopping block.

And he fucking deserved it.

“The couch,” he breathed.

The couch.

He began to walk towards the couch.

His executioner.

His place of death.

No turning back.

He settled as far as he could to the left, setting his trembling hands on his knees.

He…

Could…

Do this.

Here, Friday night, he had let his true feelings show.

And he could do that again.

This time, it was just words. No covering, no questions about it.

And nothing expected in return.

He could do this.

He could do this.

He had to.

code by ditto (head empty go bonk)

sunshineysoul · Nov 30, 2020

MOOD: trying to breathe

OUTFIT: yessir

LOCATION: somewhere out of sight
basics

MENTIONS: none

INT: jasmyn (josie)
tags

TL;DR gus is suffering from a major panic attack and is trying to remember how to breathe. poor josie is trying to help.
tl;dr

augustus

you know they say that i am better now

gus couldn't breathe. no matter how many times he gasped, his lungs never seemed to fill with enough air. why did he do this? why did he let himself feel everything right now? he had been shoving everything down since being in mississippi and everything was fine. well, it was better than this; whatever was happening now.
everything was faded, he couldn't focus on anything but just trying to get some fucking air. his heart beat all the way into his ears, his eyes couldn't focus on anything, his mouth couldn't do anything other than stay open as he cried.
without realizing it, he was wrapped up in a hug. he couldn't process it, josie hugging him right there. he wanted to hug her back, to wrap his arms around her and cling to her as he cried, but he couldn't even do that. he couldn't even take control of himself long enough to do just that.
everything hurt. he didn't know if it was the sudden rush of emotions or the insufficient amount of oxygen to his body, but everything hurt. he was spiraling down... down... down...
he couldn’t do this anymore. he knew he wasn’t strong enough to deal with his emotions, he had to stuff them back down that instant. all of a sudden, gus heard something other than himself. it sounded warbled and far away, but it was something. finally his eyes zoned back into reality and he saw josie looking at him and saying... something.
he saw her in front of him but he couldn’t make out what she was saying. she grabbed his hands and his eyes flicked down. he felt that. his breathing never let up but his brain was coming back. slowly, josie’s voice became less warbled and more and more clear.
sounds? why was josie asking him about sounds? gus still couldn’t focus. he had no idea how his brain let him focus long enough to comprehend josie’s words, but that was it.
gus’ head continued to shake back and fourth, signaling to josie that he couldn’t. he took his hands back from josie to put on his own chest and neck. he still couldn’t breathe, even if he was out of his own head, he still hadn’t stuffed his feelings back down.

code by valen t.

ditto · Nov 30, 2020

fillerfillerfillfillerfillerfillerlerflelifr 4:00 PM fillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfilrfillerfilr

... lindsay kay ...

MOOD

: D

LOCATION

fairgrounds

TAGS

charlie

geminiy

Lin cocked a grin at Charlie. The hands on his neck had made his cheeks flush, and he gave an almost giddy laugh when her hand came to rest on his collarbone. “Aww, why naaawt— Lucky Linny could become Fucky Linny, and a Portapotty seems like a great place to do my twirl to switch between my identities. Like Wonder Woman, but plus some e-coli and various communicable diseases— as an added bonus.” He laughed at himself, looking down at Charlie.

Her eyes were so captivating. In them, he could see a bit of hesitation, as if she were considering doing something but just barely holding back.

Do it, luhmao.

No balls.

Promise I won’t go full tongue ‘less you want me to, iCharlie.

When she spoke, he laughed. “What was that word that you said there? L…Lo-Low…Low-zuh? Sorry, never heard that one before. Never use it myself, ya know.” He laughed, poking his tongue out.

Buuuuut, theoretically, he could.

It didn’t have to be some big show. He could just lean down and mwah.

Would she taste like plastic like that mannequin had, liquor like that senior had, or something entirely different? He kinda wanted to find out.

Curiosity killed the cat, but he wanted to slay her pussy.

Ba-duh-chh.

(Please don’t quote him on that, luhmao.)

She moved from under his arm and grabbed his hands, and he raised an eyebrow at her. Admittedly, he kinda wanted to tug her back into a hug. He didn’t really want that moment to end— her in his arms, ya know, just kinda standing with no place to be, was nice. Pleasant.

Kinda weird coming from him, luhmao, yeah? ‘Cuz he was always up and go, and him wanting to sit still was just kinda…weird.

She made him weird. She made him get all dry mouthed and clammy-handed, and she made his stomach flutter.

What was it that Ash had said?

Butterflies.

When you had feelings for someone, you got butterflies.

He bet that his butterflies were badass ones. Queen Alexandra birdwings or something. Listen, those were dope— whooooole foot-wide wingspan, on average. Like, if that came at you, you’d fucking run

Fucking dope. Yeah, his butterflies were def that kind.

Or maybe he had moths. Moths were effing adorable. Fluffy, but also kinda scary. He could also have a few badass moths to accompany the butterflies in his stomach. Like, a cecropia moth or something— those fuckers got huge. Seven inch wingspans, bro! And they lived short lives, too, but like.

Whole fucking menagerieee. Dope.

He gave another giddy laugh as Charlie moved to have his arm wrap around her. “Luhmao, distract ourselves with the rides? Getting ‘hella sick’? Luhmao, I don’t get distracted from my goals, and I also don’t get sick— I got them guts o’ steel. But I’m not gonna lose, Charleedulleedulee.” He grinned down at her. She was so much smaller than him. It was cute. “And if we kiss at 12:01 am, you don’t win.” He poked out his tongue. “Nyah— technically we both win, and that means that…hmph, what happens then?” He laughed slightly. “Didn’t think of that, luhmao.”

He scrunched his brows together, tilting his head as he thought. What did happen then? ‘Cuz they’d talked about what happened if they both lost— they’d have to serve Ashy…but…what would happen if they both won?

He shook his head with a laugh. “Nah, don’t need to think of that— ‘cuz youuuu are gonna be losing, anyway, so ha!”

He paused a moment, and then he realized what she’d said again.

As her boyfriend? She was really jumping to conclusions there— one, that he was going to end up caving, which luhmao, there was no way that he was gonna lose, and two, that he was going to end up dating her.

The idea made him laugh again.

Him…and Charlie…dating? Luhmao, that was a funny idea. What did they do once they dated? If they dated? Like…kiss ’n stuff? Hold hands and stuff? What did people who were dating do? He didn’t even know. He didn’t know anything about crushy-lovey-dovey stuff.

But the thought was making him blush.

Him and Charlie, dating. Holding hands and being able to say luhmao, yeah, Howellin is officially a couple— Charlie is my girlfriend.

Girlfriend? Yeah, that’d be right. If they were dating, she’d be his girlfriend— his first real one, ever. ‘Cuz apparently that second grade girl who spat in his burger didn’t count. He had zero experience here. The word kinda felt funny even thinking about it belonging to him. Crushing. Love. Kissing. Sex.

Weeeeellll, he kind of had experience with kissing. And with crushing, ‘cuz he was doing that now. But…nothing much.

Was Charlie gonna be his first everything?

He was getting ahead of himself. If he got ahead of himself, he’d end up losing, which was a big fucking no go.

He laughed, his cheeks hot. “I’m not going to feel bad when it’s my girlfriend washing my dishes. I’mma relish in it. Like…” He put on his best fuckboy voice. “Hell yeah. You wash them dishes, girl. You make them dishes all nice ’n squeaky clean.” He dissolved into laughter. Shaking his head, he gave her shoulder a squeeze with his arm. “I’m not gonna be losing, luhmao. I’d never lose to my biggest rival.”

He cracked a grin and laughed. “Even if she tempts me. Nyah.” He poked out his tongue with a laugh, blushing. “Sexy Lin mode is activated. Every kiss begins with Lindsay Kay.” He gave a wink, and then he laughed again.

He looked up from Charlie’s face. The fair kinda looked bland compared to her. Nothing nearly as pretty, nothing nearly as exciting.

But fuck it. It was a fair.

The night was young.

“Teacups, teacups, teacups!” he cheered, grinning, and he took his arm from off of around her to go grab Vergil and George. “Your lover kept me good company,” he joked, offering her George with a slight bow and tucking Vergil beneath his pit, patting his head.

He put un-llamaed arm around Charlie again, as if that were a normal thing to do again, and he chuckled. “Ready to go puke your guts out and then spill your guts to me, Charlie? I’m ready for my confession— and then I’ll give my confessional offscreen.”

code by ditto (head empty go bonk)

ditto · Dec 1, 2020

fillerfillerfillfillerfillerfilslsderlerfilelifr 4:00 PM fillerfillerfisdsdllerfillerfillerfillerfillerfilr

... michael reid ...

MOOD

at least he's here now.

LOCATION

fairgrounds

TAGS

nate

Winona (ronnie mentioned

hery )

Despite the anger swelling in his head, Mike grinned at Nate, chuckling. “Community service, huh? Taking out the trash, yeah? Somebody had to do it,” he laughed, and then he let out a puff of air.

Yeah, right. Someone had to do it— and that someone shouldn’t’ve been him. His time wasn’t valuable or anything, because life was meaningless anyway, but it was worth more than spending even two seconds with the rusty-headed, thirty, freckle-ridden, flat-chested, whiny, wannabe, gigantic fucking cockblock incarnate. Hell, he could’ve been watching the gourd-judging, listening to the concerts, watching the sea lion show, or sitting at home right now, if he wanted to. Fuck, if he’d wanted an actual date, he’d’ve asked whoever he felt like— though he never went on dates. He’d’ve asked someone hotter and older with an actual body rather than someone with a negative bra size.

“You and Evie’re out?” he asked, grinning, and then he heaved another sigh. “I fucking wish.”

Yeah, he fucking wished. Even now that he was away from Ronnie, something wore on him— a pain in his neck to accompany that pain in his head.

The goddamn guilt.

“Hey, you mind if I sit?” Mike asked, tossing himself onto the seat across from Nate without waiting for the answer.

He paused a moment, and then he heaved another sigh with a grin. “The cockblocking simp,” he hummed, “didn’t just ruin my night.” He laughed slightly. “My whole fucking week’s been shit thanks to her. When this is over, I’m going to carry around some kind of bug zapper to use on her. Attach a little counter to it to tally the number of times that she get it.” He rolled his eyes, laughing half-heartedly at his own bad, sour joke.

“I’m just a little bit fucking miserable— the bitch made me go into a haunted house,” he laughed. “A haunted. House. What are you, seven? She was screaming the whole time, too— but she was faking it just so that she could bury her face in my tits that are bigger than her own.” He blew out a puff of air. “Whatever, man…I was just about to head out, but I’m glad I saw you.”

He laughed slightly. “I’ve not seen anyone that I don't fucking hate so far tonight." He chuckled softly.

It was true. He literally hadn't seen anyone who he didn't despise. Plus, he actually kinda liked Nate. Karma's Touch and all of that, and he was a guy after his own heart.

“Pfft. Ya know, at this point, I’m just holding out for Halloween— I’m ready to get blitzed to the fucking stars.” He grinned. “I still gotta figure out the costume. Mike the Meat Keeper just isn’t meant to be. I’m a big dick, anyway, so I don’t know how much dressing up that would involve.”

He laughed. “I’ll probably just revert to werewolf again. Grr, scary, burly.” He cracked a grin. “Best part is I’m allowed to go shirtless— let my nips free for the wind. Just stick some tufts of hair to me and I’m good. Makes whoever has the pleasure of keeping me company that night’s job easier, too,” he laughed.

That was right. If the night was shit and if God didn't fucking listen and shoot him in the temple, at least he had Halloween. Snort whatever shit was on the table, get drunk to oblivion, and raise some hell to escape the hell that he was living in.

code by ditto (head empty go bonk)

Winona · Dec 1, 2020

fillerfillerfillfillerfillerfillerlerfilelifr IDK PMfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfilr

Ash

INTERACTIONS

Trevor

MENTIONS

N/A

TAGS

ditto

They didn't talk on the way to the apartment, but Ash didn't really care at the moment. It was nice to just be away from the carnival -- from the noises, the lights, and everything else. It was nice to just be able to sit in the passenger seat of Trevor's van, let her eyes fall shut, and just... relax. Well, relax as best as she could.

Her mind was still reeling. Her stomach still hurt. Her heart still ached.

She felt guilty -- for pissing off Nic, and pissing off Ellie. But she tried to convince herself over and over again that it was... it was fine. It would be fine, they could hate her all they wanted, as long as they were safe at the end of the day. But maybe she should've left Trevor. Ended the date, gone to the diner, helped Lucky. It wasn't fair to Lucky to leave him to deal with them alone, was it? Was she being totally and completely selfish by choosing to stick with Trevor?

Had she offered? She'd offered, right? To Lucky -- she'd offered to help him with Nic, if he needed it, and he'd turned her down, right? She couldn't quite recall the conversation, and her heart beat a little bit faster. Her head felt dizzy as she tried to remember and Ash briefly considered taking her phone back out, turning it on, and checking the messages. Making messaging him again to see if he was triple sure that he didn't need her assistance, or to check and see if he'd gotten Nic home safe yet, or or or...

No, no. That was a bad idea. Very bad idea, because just thinking about checking her phone made her feel so light-headed that Ash felt as if she might pass out. Lucky would be fine, right? Lucky could handle it -- plus, her showing up now would just... it would just make everything so much worse. It was better if she just...

Stuck away from them.

Her fingers played with the seatbelt again, her eyes fluttering open as she looked down at her fingers. What a night this had turned into, and she couldn't even blame it on Trevor. Not that she would want to, obviously, it was just... a lot. In one night. And now he wanted to... what, tell her something? She didn't know what it--

Okay, that was a lie.

Ash had an idea of what it would be, but she didn't want to hear it tonight.

She didn't want to go through the motions of blah, blah, friendship, make out session was nothing, nonsense because Ash was just so, so... fucking tired tonight.

Ash really just wanted to go home and go to sleep. Skip the vodka -- which was a lot coming from her, mind you -- and just go straight to sleep. Curl up under the comforters and close her eyes and try to forget the world and what she'd done for a few hours. The last thing Ash wanted to deal with was the disaster that would undoubtedly meet her when she turned her phone back on.

The music playing wasn't something she recognized, so she didn't pay a ton of attention to it. Her gaze shifted so that she could look out the window, watching as buildings passed them by. Ash didn't understand why whatever Trevor wanted to tell her was so important that he couldn't share it with her at the festival, or in the car, or on the ride to his apartment.

Maybe it had something to do with the alcohol. Like, you know, the alcohol that she still hadn't paid him back for. Woops. Look, she'd had a super busy week.

Eventually, they pulled into the parking lot of his apartment building. She hopped out of the van and followed him up the stairs. Ash faltered for a moment at the base of the stairs leading up to the building as she stared down at the cold concrete and remembered the conversation she'd had with Charlie out here.

Well, she couldn't really remember what she had said, or what Charlie had said, but she remembered the act of it.

Ash bit her bottom lip, and pulled her jacket tighter around her front, her arms crossing over her chest as she followed after Trevor up the stairs to his apartment. She stepped through, slipping off her shoes, and then found herself lingering near the doorway, unsure of what was happening.

"The couch."

Her eyebrows knitted together in worry as she followed him over to the couch, hesitating for a moment before she took a seat on it. In the exact same spot that she'd been sitting at this time just last week.

When Trevor had kissed her.

Her heart was thumping away in her chest again, but this time for different reasons than it had before. It wasn't because of what had happened with stupid Twitter or whatever. Her heart was beating away at her chest, her stomach stirring up with a million different butterflies, as she chewed at her bottom lip and stared at the ground in front of her.

Deep breaths.

Trevor wasn't talking. Should she talk?

Someone needed to break this silence.

"Hey," her voice was soft and quiet as she tore her eyes away from the ground so that she could look at Trevor. "What's wrong? Are you okay?" She was putting these own worries into her mind, but maybe that was why Trevor was acting so strange now. Maybe she'd hurt his feelings like Charlie had been saying she would all night.

"I'm sorry, for like... tonight. I know it was a really bad date, and I... I'm just really sorry."

She hesitated, teeth biting into her lip for a moment, her gaze moving down to the space between them momentarily before she looked back towards Trevor. Her arms uncrossed. Ash shifted in the seat so that she was facing him, and her fingers found the hem of her jacket again and she started fiddling with it.

Anything to keep herself distracted, right?

"What did you want to tell me?"

code by ditto (head empty go bonk)

mogy · Dec 1, 2020

if it wasn't clear by now... i like podcasts

Not wanting to care and not caring were two very different things, and Oates hated knowing the difference. The fantasy of actually being needed by somebody on a level more proficient and vulnerable than anything physical—'twas nothing but a shattering envied by mirrors. And in that exact moment, when he decided to leave, and the lights were distinguished by tears, all the blame was on him. He hurt a person, actively so. Feeling alone in a room full of people because you know the one person cares for you so little hurt more than anything in the world, but it wasn't an excuse. Acting from a place of isolation and anger, though he didn't want to, he had broken up with Callum, unquestionably causing the boy a world of pain, no matter how little his feelings for Oates had been.

Avoiding the emerald view of the boy he'd hurt had been as though the walls were closing in around him because everywhere he would go, Callum would be there, guilt searing every time, more and more each time. He wanted to apologize, but at the same time knew Callum genuinely didn't care, no matter how much he tried to deny it.

Rome has been there for him, but making matters worse were the claims and the judging eyes of most people Rome had had to face. Oates didn't necessarily approve of what Rome had done, but the boy didn't need yet another person judging and making him feel like he would be better off dead.

"Well, by the words of the hottest and cutest Russian guy I know," Oates said, picking up the eyeliner pen off of the counter, before pulling his friend up from the bath and making both of them face the mirror. "You look pretty for yourself, not for other boy." The fake Russian accent was essential when one were to quote anything Rome said, so Oates did just that, and by now, he was getting pretty good at it too. "So, what we are going to do right now is not mope around because the world is dark, but go out and accept the darkness until we find the light. And we're going to do that with banging eyeliner."

Oates opened the eyeliner and edged his face closer to the mirror, applying it. Out of the two boys, Rome was definitely the one more experienced with all things makeup. "And for one, I don't hate you, which legally actually means not everybody hates you."

oates

MOOD: forever happy

LOCATION: his house

INTERACTIONS: rome

MENTIONS: callum

TAGS:

LowkeyLovingLoki ,

hery

TL;DR: i dont know what this means

code by valen t.

gh0stwriter · Dec 1, 2020

fillerfillerfillfillerfillerfillerlerfilelifr 12:45 PM fillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfilr

Lucky

MOOD

miserable

LOCATION

the fall fair

TAGS

Kio.exe

A placated look washed over Lucky’s face. He had no intentions of letting on that this in any way bothered him. An accident. That’s all this was. An apology and offer of paying for the dry-cleaning would suffice and then they could move on as if nothing every happened. He didn’t need to know that the sound of his voice made every muscle in his body tense up. Rage? Sadness? He had no i-fucking-dea what he was feeling and he wasn’t about to let Danny Boy in on it.

“I...it’s okay, Lucky,” he murmured, his face heating and surely turning red. “I’ve kinda been wanting to take off this shirt anyways and now I have an excuse to,” he added.

“Please don’t.” Lucky stated plainly. Sure, it was an endearing quality when they were younger and dancing around supposed feelings they had for one another, but now, it was irritating and fucking stupid.

“So...have you seen any brisket around? I’ve kind of been avoiding it cuz Nate said it would bite.”

Enough with the fucking brisket.

Lucky took a deep breath. “Look, just tell me how much you want for your shirt and I’ll be on my way.” It was that fucking simple. We didn’t need to drag this out. I already had to go deal with Nic and his superb ability of being drunken dumbass, but now he was dealing with a nudist manchild that was afraid of barbequed meat.

“I’m so sorry, Lucky, truly. For everything. I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but I am,” he said, his green eyes meeting Lucky’s once more.

Lucky looked around, his stance becoming more agitated by the second. He didn’t dare look at him. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to talk to the guy and the last fucking thing he wanted was some pity apology that was only occurring because he couldn’t watch where the fuck he was going.

“I miss you, you know. Every day, and I know it’s my fault, so I’ve never said anything. I was a coward and I’m so, so sorry.”

Lucky’s eyes shot up to meet Danny’s. Those green eyes that would stare at him for hours while he sang and played his guitar. Those green eyes that told him they’d be friends forever. And those same fucking green eyes that told him to kiss him. It didn’t happen and Lucky was glad that it hadn’t. “I…” Lucky stopped trying to keep his voice as low as possible. “I’m not having this conversation here.”

Lucky nodded for Danny to follow to a more private location, cause he had a few things to discuss. When they were safely out of earshot from anyone, Lucky looked up at the taller boy. The one person he had thought he could count on after his mom died. He took another deep breath doing his best to keep his emotions in check.

“Listen.” Lucky did his best to keep his emotions in check.

“I’m not looking for a trip down memory lane, Danny Boy.” He ran a hand through his hair. “In fact, that is the last fucking thing that I want to do at this very moment. People leave.” He shrugged. “I’m used to it.” He said averting his eyes once more. “But you want to apologize or make amends or whatever. Fine.” Lucky crossed his arms still avoiding all eye contact.

“Nobody here knows about my life…from before." His voice softened. My mom. My dad.” He cleared his throat. “You.” He said hating every moment of this conversation. “So, if you could just not say anything. Then we’re square. Your conscious clear.” He sighed. “Think you can handle that?”

code by ditto (head empty go bonk)

ditto · Dec 1, 2020

fillerfillerfillfillerfillerfillersdlerfilelifr 4:00 PM fillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillderfillerfilr

... trevor callaghan ...

MOOD

...

LOCATION

his apartment-- on the couch

TAGS

ash

Winona

Trevor, if he could have helped it, would not have moved. He would not have looked around, he would not have blinked, he would not have breathed, and he most certainly would not have spoken. He was petrified with fear. There was a lump in his throat that would not go down, no matter how hard he swallowed and no matter how much he pushed. His hands were quivering, and he could feel his brain pulsating within his skull.

Maybe, if he stayed still long enough, this would all go away. Then, he would not have to listen to one part of his head or the other. Then, he wouldn’t have to pick his pride over his logic or his logic over his pride. He wouldn’t have to search for or stumble over his words. He wouldn’t have to face the repercussions of his actions. He wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore. If he ignored it, maybe it would cease to exist. He could stay like this forever, and life would carry on.

That, of course, was dumb logic. He had brought himself here, and he had told himself what exactly he was going to do when he got here.

He was going to…

Going to…

Going to…

Tell Ash.

Right. He was going to tell Ash everything. He was going to brush aside his lies and his half-truths. He was going to stop it with the awkward conversation and the blocks in his road that were just there because he had placed them there. He was going to stop that all. He was going to tell her.

But he couldn’t right now. He couldn’t move, and he couldn’t think of what to say. He couldn’t will his heavy tongue to weave sensical words. He could hardly breathe, and his heart felt like it was going to jump from his chest.

She wasn’t talking. She wasn’t talking.

He couldn’t say anything. She was not talking, and he couldn’t say a word.

He knew why. The part of him that wanted him to get out of this was the stronger part of him. The bigger part of him— the pussy who wanted to run away from his problems was the majority fo who he was.

And…

Maybe he’d have to be okay with that.

Hey, it wasn’t that bad.

If she wasn’t talking, then he wasn’t spilling his guts, which meant…

That…

Well, listen, if she wasn’t—

“Hey.”

Her voice was quiet, but he had heard it.

His heart somehow beat faster within his chest, and he felt his jaw clench.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck. She was talking.

She wasn’t supposed to talk. She wasn’t supposed to talk— it would have been better if she had just not spoken.

Now, she had reminded him that time was ticking. That hey had been one to break the silence. They had been sitting too long here, probably. He didn’t know how long. He didn’t need to know how long.

She was there. She was beside him.

She was confused.

She was waiting.
 "What's wrong? Are you okay?”

His wide eyes jumped to her. His skin was pallid. He looked like a ghost, and he felt like he was going to be ill. His entire body was stiff.

He wished that he could disappear.

She was asking if he was okay in such a soft voice. Her eyes read worry.

Come on, you shit. Answer her.

His lips twitched, and he stiffly turned his body towards her a bit more.

But it was like his tongue was glued to the bottom of his mouth and his lips wouldn’t pull apart. His ego, convinced that it was right, had clamped a hand over his mouth.

"I'm sorry, for like... tonight. I know it was a really bad date, and I... I'm just really sorry."

Sorry.

She was sorry.

She was apologizing again.

For something that wasn’t even her fault.

She was apologizing again for something that he had caused. For an awkwardness that he himself had forced because it was better that than facing the problems that he had also caused. In the end, it all came back to him. It all came back to the fact that he was just a weird stoner with no balls who thought that he deserved to have whatever he wanted whenever he wanted the way he wanted it and got all confused and flustered when he wasn’t able to do such a thing. His feelings hadn’t listened to him, but he couldn’t blame this all on that. It had been his actions that had taken the cake for ruining this—

No. Not even his actions.

It was his words. It was that vicious, harsh, biting nature of the words just friends that came out of his mouth too many times to even count. How many times had he said that? How many times had he said that to Ash? How many times had he said that to Charlie? How many times had he said that to himself in a vain attempt to…make it true?

Too many.

He was sorry.

He was sorry for fucking this all up.

He was sorry for lying in her face.

He was sorry that he couldn’t just stop caring. He was sorry that he hadn’t had the balls to rip the bandaid off sooner.

He was sorry for Monday.

He was sorry for Friday.

He was sorry for the week before that and the week before that.

He was sorry for looking at her. He was sorry for thinking about her— for thinking about her so damn much. For thinking about her to the point where he had filled a journal with poems about some unnamed muse. For thinking about her and her pretty face and her gentle laugh and her playful words. For thinking about their times together. For looking too deeply into every word for some glimmer of hope that he would, soon thereafter, crush beneath his feet.

He was sorry that he had even spoken to her that first night.

It all came back to him. The blood trail traced right back to him.

And he was sorry for it. He regretted it all.

She turned towards him, her hands messing with her jacket. “What did you want to tell me?"

He had to tell her.

He had to speak.

He had to get some kinds of words out of his mouth. Something. Something. Something.

He opened his lips and poised his mouth to speak.

But no words came.

Nothing.

As much as he pushed, not even a squeak came out.

Talk.

He had to talk. He had to get this out.

There was no turning back now. There was no getting out of this.

Sorry.

She had apologized.

She had apologized on his part.

He couldn’t just let that go.

He…

“I…”

He shifted his body towards her a bit.

His words escaped him again.

Why couldn’t he just fucking say what he meant?

There she was, waiting.

There she was, hanging on the edge of his every word, of his every stammer, waiting for something. Waiting for something to calm her down, waiting for something to rile her up, waiting for something to make her feel some way different than confused.

She was confused.

She was there, confused, right after being hurt so deeply.

He could…

He fucking—

SPIT IT OUT.

A smile came onto his face, and, with a soft chuckle, two firm, determined words came out of his mouth:

“I...lied.”

code by ditto (head empty go bonk)

natsukashii · Dec 1, 2020

Hunter Drake

When Hunter had opted out of hitching a ride with Dei, that afforded him the benefit of taking some time for himself to get some quality thinking done.

It had been a hot minute since he paid much attention to anything at school or on Twitter. He felt it was too toxic for him, especially after what he heard about Dei and Nate. He always knew Evie was going to be the death of his friends (yeah, Nate was an asshole and Hunter still hasn’t quite forgiven him for outing Chad and Sebastian, but the fact Evie got involved was, honest to god, why Hunter quit most, if not all, social media. He checked Facebook occasionally, but that was only to make sure his parents knew he was doing okay.

At home, it was understandable that fumes ran high. Hunter was there for Dei, of course, but his involvement was more or less as support. Besides, he had his own problems with Briar and Nickie (mostly with Briar, though).

Throughout the week, Hunter had gotten the sense from Nickie -- even if she never actually said anything -- that how brazen Briar was, coming up to him, kissing him while he was talking to Nickie at Dei’s party, but that wasn’t the only thing that had hunter worried. Since school and since they had a good talk -- or at least what Hunter thought was a good talk -- his texts with Nickie felt...off for some reason. Her responses weren’t as frequent and they certainly didn’t have the same excitement as they usually did.

Even now, as he sat in the back of the bus, eyes glued to his phone, earbuds blocking most sound off, he just kept thinking about Nickie and her responses as of late. If they didn’t come in an hour later, then they were without her usual energy.

“Maybe I’m overthinking it,” he said quietly, pocketing his phone and switching on his Spotify to Bush’s Machinehead and put it on single repeat.

As he zoned out until he got to the fairgrounds, Hunter hopped off the bus and tucked his hands into his pockets, walking through the entrance.

He was in a bit of a trance. As Gavin Rossdale’s voice blared in his ears, the bright lights and carnival attractions took full hold of his visual attention. The sounds from the fair fused with the chorus of Machinehead in an odd mix that somehow worked; and in that sense, Hunter smiled and kept to a steady walk, going nowhere in particular.

He didn’t know where Nickie was or where any of his friends were, so he would allow himself the benefit of the sights and maybe a deep-fried twinkie, too! The possibilities were endless.

location

fall fair

mood

get out of your head bro

outfit

boy looks like a rich bum

TAGS

Soap

Kitsune2202

He cracked a grin at Stella. "Ah, I really did. Definitely didn't want to be carrying you everywhere," he said with a laugh. Of course, it wasn't like Zeph actually would've minded. Stella was small -- carrying her was like nothing, and he'd give her piggy back rides without complaint. Granted, he'd probably give most people piggy back rides without complaint. What? He was nice like that.

He followed after Naomi as they made their way towards the fairgrounds, pulling out enough money for himself and Stella. "My treat," he said, "you can uhh... buy the food or something." Zeph suggested with a grin before following the group through the fairground gates and trailed after them.

Zeph felt a little awkward. He towered over the girls, and it wasn't like he knew Naomi. Sure, he knew Stella and Alex, but it was still weird to be the only guy in a group of girls. Alright, alright, maybe that was a dumb thing to feel awkward about, but it was... look, leave him alone. It was just a little weird to him.

"Alex, we've gotta do the teacups." He groaned. "That's the best, especially if you go really, really fast. Just don't eat a lot before it or something." Zeph said before shifting his gaze down to Stella next to him. "Hey, if she chickens out, you'll do it with me, right? Won't let me be the lonely teenage boy riding a kid's ride?"

A laugh exited his lungs as they headed towards the food. Fine, whatever, one little snack and then rides. Zephyr felt like a little kid again with the excitement of waiting to go on all the rides. Everything. Zephyr wasn't leaving until he got to ride everything at least once, although five times per ride would be much preferable.

He glared down at Alex when she spoke, and then rolled his eyes. "You buying for me, Alex?" Zeph asked with a lopsided grin. "Raspberry, obviously."

code by ditto (head empty go bonk)

elaaraa · Dec 1, 2020

MOOD: trying to play it cool

OUTFIT: fall fair ‘fit

LOCATION: fall fair
basics

MENTIONS:
Mariana ( jasmyn ), Morrigan ( Kio.exe ), C.J ( sunshineysoul ) Danny ( Kio.exe )

INT:
Mariana ( jasmyn ), Morrigan ( Kio.exe ), C.J ( sunshineysoul )
tags

TL;DR Willow is freaking out after realising that she is currently walking with just CJ.
tl;dr

Willow-Rose Robin

i just can't stop myself from
falling for ya, falling for ya

She nodded along to Cole’s explanation as to him being away. It was typically like Cole to be like that. Always the caring gentleman. She was sure it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone to hear that Cole decided to help out his family over the summer in Texas. She could see it from the light kisses of the sun peppered across his skin. A bronze glow from days in working hard out fields and manual labour. “Well, it’s good that everything’s been taken care of! You’re finally back at HA and we have a lot to catch up with.” She laughed. She knew that both she and Cole weren’t the most active people when it came to social media such as twitter and whatnot, so keeping up with the times was really difficult unless Mari or Mor were specifically filling her in about what and how events exactly occurred. The whole Evie, Kordei and Nate thing? Completely out of her realm of imagination.

She wanted to text Cole. Always picking up the phone but putting it away in shyness. Too shy to text the boy that she’d been thinking about during the summer. How he was, what he was doing. She supposed she couldn’t have asked Mari about it either, otherwise that would have been a dead giveaway into what she was thinking and feeling. Still, it didn’t sit too well in her stomach – not knowing what was going on in his world. Many thoughts crossed her head. Was he busy with a girl? Did he just not bother with anyone? There were so many possibilities she pondered on, but she was glad that it was just that. Was it selfish to not want someone to be with someone else other than you? She didn’t know.

She blushed slightly at Cole’s sudden wink before looking down quickly, hoping that it would go away quickly. Her cheeks had a bit of blush on them anyway and they were naturally red too. Hopefully he wouldn’t notice anything. Hopefully no one would notice anything.

She smiled at Morrigan’s comment. “That’s great!” It was good to hear that she was doing okay at least. Of course, saying and being were two different things and it would depend on what the girl would be acting like for the rest of the night to give Willow a corrects and informed opinion on how the girl was truly feeling. You see, Willow liked to pretend sometimes. Pretend that that she couldn’t see the hurt or the pain in other’s eyes. That she couldn’t tell that something was off when it was. Hell, she’d been painting expressions for her entire life. The quick switch between the corner of a mouth slightly turning, the dullness of a glimmer in one’s eyes. It was all a dead giveaway as to how someone was feeling. Willow didn’t know how Morrigan was feeling, to be truthful. She couldn’t comprehend the girl who was too complex for basic human emotions and speeches into feelings and emotions. But she knew Morrigan. And if it was what she thinks was going on, then hell no is she going to let basic stupid comments and little snipes get in the way of a good time. Even if she had to make her friend eat so much that she ended up puking – it was Morrigan anyway. The only girl Willow knew to be as tough as nails.

“I’ve been good! Just a lot of planning, secret planning. That and if I don’t end up grabbing a coffee, I’m probably going to end up sleeping on the rides.” She teased Morrigan, thinking about her winter arts festival project. She was a little shy, truth be told. Yes, she was going to paint. And just letting people look at your paintings was one thing. But she was planning on doing another thing. She was planning on grabbing the mic and telling a story, the story into the life at Hollywood Arts. And maybe it would indeed end up ruffling a few feathers, making some people upset or angry but she was justifying it to herself as being in the name of art.
“Yes!” She replied to Mari, “we have to hurry otherwise they’re going to ruin the fun for everyone.” Willow watched in confusion, as she saw the two girls race ahead, linked arm in arm with each other as they did so. Dammit. It left her walking behind the two with Cole by her side. Technically it wasn’t the worst spot to be in. Ideally, Willow had imagined this scenario painted out quite a few times. But not when she didn’t have anything in mind, that was the scary part. That she would stumble and fumble on her words and mess the entire thing up between her and Cole. Or at least, what she wanted between her and Cole.

As Cole and her slowly made their way towards the pumpkin patch, she watched towards him with shy glances. Before quickly looking away time and time again. “So, are you still up for going to that café that I posted on twitter?” She asked eyes full of hope. “It’s really good, they do iced tea, bubble tea, cakes, ice cream, cookie dough…” she said, hoping that the span of her finishing the desserts would be long enough to finish their journey to the pumpkin patch. “I think it would be great to go together.” She said, a soft smile painting her features before a furious blush took over. “Not that it’s just you and I together of course! I know Mari wants to come too, so it would be nothing like that!” She exclaimed, leaving an awkward laughter to trail after the sentence. Oh god she was an idiot. Now he’s going to think that she’s desperate.

“Oh! And when we get food later, I promised Danny to meet him by the food. He’s in our grade, if you know him?” She asked, cocking her head to side in curiosity.

code by valen t.

elaaraa · Dec 1, 2020

MOOD: smitten

OUTFIT: kai's fall fair 'fit

LOCATION: fall fair
basics

MENTIONS:
Kane ( Kio.exe ), Mari ( jasmyn )

INT:
Kane ( Kio.exe ), Mari ( jasmyn )
tags

TL;DR kai is simping for Kane.
tl;dr

Malachi Deavan

in between being young and being right,
you were my versailles at night.

Kai was sure that his cheeks would ache in hues of red and pink by the end of the night. Was it possible for someone to smile this much? To feel nothing but happiness in one night. It was nice escape. To get away with all the drama that ensued with Jordie, Alex and the rest of them. Sure, Kai was never directly involved in any of the drama between his friends and their rivals – except for that one spat between Chas, Gen and everyone else. He still couldn’t understand why anyone even put up with Chas, by anyone he means Seb. Seb could do so much better. Kai wasn’t sure what hold Chas had on his boyfriend, but if it was anything like the hold Kane had on Kai tonight then maybe, just maybe he would be willing to understand.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall on the wall – who is the fairest of them all?” he quoted before staring at Kane. Could he even call Kane his friend with good conscience? Not after all these feelings churning around in his stomach. Flowers blooming and a thousand wordily petals threatening to spill from his lips. “Ndiwe, zvagara zviri iwe.” He replied in his fathers native Shona language. Maybe Kane wouldn’t understand today, but one day when the boy gained a sense of self confidence and self-assurance, he would know that Kai’s words today were gospel.

Kai felt Kane press closer to him and tried to tuck away the grin that was taking over his features, disguised by a random rambling of food choices. He knew that Kane already gave off a lot of body heat from the night that they were cuddling in his house. But this was a different type of warmth all together. It was the kind of warmth that starts on your cheeks on a frost-bitten morning to keep you snug. It was the kind of warmth after a long school day, when you would run home to your mother’s open arms. When she prepared hot chocolate just for you and only you, and you got the inkling that deep down, despite all the arguments and disagreements – you were loved. He could still hear his mum speak to him when she would stroke his hair. 'Mera pyara beta' she would say after a long day. Still somehow managing to forgive him even when he fucked up.

Kai felt the sudden halt in Kane’s footsteps before looking in the direction that Kane was looking into. The pumpkin patch. Rather than looking at what Kane was looking at, Kai on the other hand found his eyes lost on said boy. The small smile, the small curves of the corner of his lips as he looked on in childlike wonder at the area.

“They are perfect, aren’t they?” He commented through sneaky glances between the pumpkin patch and Kane. Indeed, they were both perfect. Even if one realised it and the other one didn’t. He looked down with a smile before looking back at the other male. Seeing him lost in the fall atmosphere. This was one of the things that amazed him about America. You wouldn’t get this kind of reaction in England, definitely not in London. Fall was more of a nuisance there. He liked the way the way that things lit up here, the way Kane lit up here. After a hard couple of days, it seemed like things were turning around for the boy. And that? It made kai happy.

“I never did actually.” He said, in comment to Kane asking about autumn. “In England it was always more of a struggle. Having to rake wet leaves and mud because the torrential rain won’t stop.” He laughed out of memory before continuing, “But America makes it worth it. Dry air and a little chilly – it’s what I wanted it to be back when I was in England.” He grasped Kane’s hand a little tighter, hand wrapping around Kane’s carefully enough to hold but not enough to hurt him.

Kai flinched in surprise as he felt Kane’s finger touch his cheek. Was this how the night was supposed to go? It wasn’t a bad feeling, quite the opposite actually. It felt nice to the touch, nice to be held and caressed. Almost like the feeling to being loved. His eyes widened in childlike wonder as his eyes met Kane’s. And all he could see in the reflection of the other’s eyes was himself. It made him a bit more aware, a bit more self-conscious. Was this what Kane was looking at the entire time? Kai with his hair ruffled, cheeks actually a mix of orange, golden and brown hues. Red little kisses making their way to his skin. Kai meant it. Every word he said. Kane was beautiful. It was him, always him.

He felt Kane’s finger switch to his palm, his whole hand slowly engulfing Kai’s cheek – making his eyes widen. Oh god, was something supposed to happen right now? Because if so, Kai definitely wouldn’t be opposed to it. But he also didn’t want to push anything that Kane wouldn’t want. Like he was thinking earlier, Kane had been in a rough patch. Maybe he wasn’t thinking straight, maybe he was craving physical affection or whatever. He recalled the night where Kane was drunk. The secrets he told him that Kai crossed to his own heart that he wouldn’t tell anyone. Things about Jace and Gus. He couldn’t just betray all the things he overheard. He couldn’t just take advantage of that.

And to hear Kane tell him that he looked like an angel? It made his heart melt. He couldn’t understand other’s reactions to the boy. Hatred, looking down upon, etc. It really didn’t make sense to him. Kane was just Kane. Perhaps he spoke before he thought and perhaps, he didn’t quite always keep up with the conversation. Talking to brick walls when everyone gets bored or annoyed of him. Kai never got bored, he liked looking, smiling in endearment. He just saw Kane for Kane.

Kane was the epitome of July. Youthful, warm and filled with a certain wanderlust. And maybe Kai wanted to be a part of his world.

He felt Kane’s hand drop, looking down at it retreating before looking up and hearing next words. He smiled once again, trying to pass off a certain calm headed nonchalance at the comment. He remembered something, a quote that sang to his heart at this moment in time. Maybe he ought to be truthful to himself, maybe he ought to admit that perhaps he was guilty of liking Kane.

“And by that sin, the angels fell.” He murmured softly before looking back at the pumpkin patch.

“Okay, but those pumpkins are screaming our names! Come we have to take pictures and pick one out – it’s basically tradition at this point.” He said as he dragged Kane along. He felt a slight buzz in his pocket, it was Mari who was coincidentally telling Kai that she was going to the pumpkin patch as well. He replied back with a quick 'I'll see you guys there soon!'

code by valen t.

Winona · Dec 1, 2020

fillerfillerfillfillerfillerfillerlerfilelifr IDK PMfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfilr

Ash

INTERACTIONS

Trevor

MENTIONS

N/A

TAGS

ditto

He smiled.

She smiled back, a faint, easy smile on her face. She relaxed a little bit, her fingers stopped fiddling with the bottom of her jacket but didn't move from their position of clinging to her jacket. If he was smiling, it couldn't be too bad, right? Like, surely it was just something small -- like, like, he probably wasn't mad at her or something. He probably wasn't going to yell at her.

That's all Ash really cared about right now. She didn't want to listen to Trevor yell at her, or have him utter the same words she'd read over and over again through her messages on Twitter. Especially not here, at his apartment, because there was nowhere for her to go. She hardly knew the way home from here, especially not in the dark.

“I...lied.”

The smile on her lips faltered and faded away, her lips turning down into a confused frown. Ash leaned away from Trevor, her fingers released the jacket and her arms moved up to cross over her stomach again. Her eyebrows drew together and she looked down at the space of couch between them again, her teeth chewing at her bottom lip.

She kept her gaze firmly down and away from his face. Her arms tightened around her stomach as the familiar churning feeling returned, albeit ten times more tumultuous than it had been before. She felt... dizzy, lightheaded.

Easily the worst night of her life, Ash decided.

She was confused.

"I don't..."

Her words caught in her throat. A small laugh escaped her lungs. She shook her head, eyes falling shut.

This didn't make any sense. Like, literally absolutely no sense. They hardly talked. There was nothing for him to lie about, so what in the actual hell was he talking about? She was searching her thoughts, her memories, everything for the answer to his words, but nothing was coming out. Nothing was working. There was nothing.

Unless, like, his name wasn't Trevor.

Or like--

He had told Charlie. Trevor hadn't really given her a straightforward answer, so maybe that's what he meant. He'd lied and actually told her everything and that was why they'd been set up on this date. Or he'd lied and had known about the stupid blind date. Yeah, that would make more sense. It would explain his significant lack of a high, anyway. Charlie had probably told him about Ash's opinions on that and that was why he'd shown up un-high today.

Right, okay, so.

There.

She figured it out.

Ash let out a deep breath, her eyes opening again. She looked back up, her gaze meeting Trevor's for a moment, before she just shook her head and broke eye contact with him. Her gaze moved down to the coffee table -- anywhere but Trevor right now.

"What?" She asked, her voice wavering as she spoke. "I don't... Trevor, you're killing me. What are you talking about?"

And then she tore her eyes away from the coffee table and she looked back at him. Her eyes locked onto his.

code by ditto (head empty go bonk)

sunshineysoul · Dec 1, 2020

MOOD: content

OUTFIT: very simple

LOCATION: fair entrance
basics

MENTIONS: mari mor alex n willow

INT: jasmyn (mari) Kio.exe (mor) elaaraa (willow)
tags

TL;DR walkin and talkin with willow, secretly teasing her about her crush as they make their way to the pumpkin patch
tl;dr

cole "cj"

to all the people that were mean; he just channeled your energy

cole agreed with his best friend. he didn't believe that some idiot kids would actually smash the pumpkins in, but he was down for whatever. he had never been to a pumpkin patch before, but the concept was fun. walk through a field of pumpkins, pick a pumpkin, take it home. simple enough and you get a pumpkin! very nice.
"we do have a lot to catch up on, huh?" the thought about the last time he and willow actually hung out and talked, and it seemed like forever ago. especially since they didn't talk over the summer. there were a few twitter interactions here and there, but that was nothing in comparison to just the two of them talking. even if it was just them texting back in fourth in dms, it was nice and cole missed it. of course, it was half cole's fault for never reaching out, but he didn't really reach out to much of anyone over the summer.
before he knew it, mari and mor had linked arms and left him and willow behind. he let out a laugh as he watched them figure out their footing as they ran, looking very clunky and awkward until they finally ran in sync. cole glanced at the girl next to him, who quickly looked away. it caused him to chuckle and shake his head. cole had the sneaking suspicion that willow had a thing for him for a while. he was flattered, really, he hadn't really had a lot of girls after him. well, not that he could remember that is. he had a lot going on in his middle school years that warranted him to not worry about girls.
willow was sweet. she was a soft, kind soul, and cole thought she was beautiful. which is why he felt bad that he couldn't muster up any romantic feelings. there was absolutely nothing wrong with willow, but he just, didn't have romantic feelings. as a matter of fact, he had never had romantic feelings. he had never crushed on a girl, he had never gotten butterflies in his stomach when being around a girl, and he certainly never got nervous when talking to a girl.
but while he didn't have feelings for willow, he wasn't willing to throw away an amazing friendship. willow hadn't been forcing her feelings on him or treating him any different. okay, well, maybe she was treating him a little different, like sneaking glances at him, but he didn't mind.
"of course i'm still down to go to that cafe! it looks great and this lil southern boy's never had bubble tea." he felt his smile grow as he watched her stumble over her words talking about how they weren't together. he took no offense, he thought it was cute. "i think it'd be fun to go together." he gave her a big smile after watching her flounder with her words for a bit. "i know mari would love to come, and probably mor and alex," he decided to bring up the idea of more people in case she wasn't comfortable with just the two of them going. it was fun to tease her in private about her crush, but the last thing cole ever wanted to do was make her uncomfortable.
"ohh danny," his eyes flicked away from willow and back to the sky, remembering the boy she talked about. "he's the guy who is scared of brisket? i don't mean to be rude but he doesn't seem like the sharpest tool in the shed."

code by valen t.

ditto · Dec 1, 2020

fillerfillerfillfillerfillerfillersdlerfilelifr 4:00 PM fillerfillerfillerfillerfillerfillderfillerfilr

... trevor callaghan ...

MOOD

...

LOCATION

his apartment-- on the couch

TAGS

ash

Winona

Trevor hung by the last of his words, dangling, petrified behind his sure face.

He had said it. He had started it. He had said the two biggest words that he ver could have:

I lied.

He had lied. That was what it boiled down to. He was a liar.

His head rested in the guillotine. The executioner’s blade strained against the rope, a fiber broken.

Would that be enough? Did he have to say it all? Or would she figure it out herself?

He didn’t want to say it. He wanted it to be fully unspoken, for her to understand it and respond in vague terms.

This was going to fucking hurt. The blade overhead was making him antsy.

If she knew by those two words, then…then it wouldn’t have to fall.

They could both…come away from here. He could come out less scathed than expected, and she…Ash…

He…

He didn’t know.

If he said it— if he had to say more— if she didn’t know what he meant— then…

Then…

There was no way that he would be able to get it out.

She was…smart enough to know what he meant, right?

The smile faded from her face. Watching it fall sent a pang through his chest, and her eyes dropping from him made him want to sink into the couch.

If he hadn’t wanted to disappear before, he certainly did now.

"I don't..."

He couldn’t look away from her. He felt like a deer in headlights, watching its fate approaching. Two, blinding lights. All of his senses screeched danger. His pride told him to look away, to stand up, to usher her to the door, to get her out to his van, to take her home, to forget that he had ever said those two words, to forget that he had ever said anything in the first place, to forget that he had went on a date with Ash, to forget that he had nearly kissed her soberly on Monday, to forget that he made out with her drunkenly on Friday, to forget that he spoke to her Friday night, to forget that he ever went to that damn game where everything had started to change because he was unable to control himself…

But he couldn’t.

The blade above glinted.

Her eyes met his for an instant, and he felt the sudden urge to break his own pinky against the coffee table to get out of this conversation. He could settle it there, pick up some books, and drop them on it. When it cracked, he could flip out and call an ambulance. He could escape that way.

Escape…

Why was he wanting to…

She understood. She had to have.

There would be no need to escape if she had. His confession could go unspoken, and they could both go their ways.

“What?” Her voice was wavery, uncertain. “I don’t…Trevor, you’re killing me. What are you talking about?”

Her eyes locked on his.

She…

Didn’t…

Know.

She…

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

She had’t figured it out. She hadn’t figured it out.

She didn’t know what he meant.

She didn’t…

He…

He…

Words.

He…

He…

Fucking speak.

He had lied. He didn’t know how else to say it.

He had confessed that much.

He guess that…

Saying the bare minimum…

Wasn’t going to work.

Fuck.

Now…

Now his hands were shaking worse than before.

Now his head ached deeper and his lungs quivered as he struggled to breathe. His back was rigid, and he could feel his heart thudding in his chest— out of his chest— in his chest— out of his chest.

He had to speak.

There was no getting around it now.

There was no maybe she’ll understand and I won’t have to say it. There was no getting over this, sinking into the couch, ceasing to exist.

There was here. There was now.

There was what he had to do.

He had to tell her.

In no uncertain terms, he had to tell her.

“I…lied,” he repeated, smiling vaguely. “I…I lied, Ash.”

He let out a quivering breath.

He could feel his life hovering on the line.

“Ya know…” He let out a soft chuckle. “I told m’self from d’a start, Ash…from d’a start of our date, I say d’at I’m not goin’ ta fuck thin’s up. I say d’at I’m not goin’ ta fuck thin’s up, ’n d’at’s a promise. Ya wanna know what I told myself when I saw d’at I was goin’ ta date ya? Ya know what I t’ought? I t’ought ta myself, How’n I get outta d’is so I can’t fuck her over? ‘Cuz you deserved a good date, and ‘cuz I didn’ even know d’at I’s havin' a date ’til I got there. ’N then d’at whole time, walkin’ on eggshells— eggshells— ya had ta. Ya’d ta watch w’at ya said ‘cuzza w’at I did Friday. ‘Cuz Friday, I fucked everythin’ up.” He gave another soft chuckle. “Guess d’at tellin’ d’at tonight, I wasn’t goin’ta fuck thin’s up was like tryin’a stick the fuzz back ta a dandelion or keep d’a water from spillin’ outta a cup wit’ a big hole drainin’ it dry— I couldn’t keep myself from fuckin’ it up ‘cuz it was too late.”

His words were barely intelligible, even to himself. The more upset he got, the stronger his accent got.

What was he saying, anyway? What were these words coming out?

Vomit. Vomit. It was vomit.

“’N…’n d’a thin’s d’at I said tanight— what I said…”

Where was he going?

He shook his head. “I…”

He cleared his throat. “I…ah…”

Fuck.

“Ya…ya see…”

He…

“I…”

He…

“Monday.”

He went quiet for a moment, and he laughed slightly.

“Actually, Friday. Bufer d’at. Bufer d’en.”

He swallowed hard.

“Ya see…I’ve been…I’ve been lyin’. I’m a fuckin’ liar. I been lyin’ ta you, lyin’ ta Charlie, lyin' ta Amy ’n Jo ’n everyone who asks me. ’N I been lyin’ ta myself— been lyin’ ta myself fer longer than I’ve been lyin’ ta anyone.”

He blinked hard.

“’N…I’m…sorry…but…”

He let out a shaky breath.

“Ya know…how I said…all d’at stuff…Monday?”

The executioner’s blade strained against the ropes.

“About just bein’ yer fren’? About…about…”

The guillotine’s blade shone blindingly.

Could he do this?

He was going to piss his pants.

He couldn’t do this.

He grew entirely still, the words not leaving his mouth.

He couldn’t think.

He couldn’t move.

He couldn’t breathe.

He was—

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

No.

He’d come this far.

He couldn’t just—

He couldn’t just stop.

Not when Ash looked as confused as she did.

Not when he’d already come this far.

But…

These next words.

He…

He looked away from Ash, and he held his hands up a bit in his lap.

They were shaking so badly that they blurred a bit around the edges.

“Ya know…w’at…”

His words were spoken in barely about a whisper.

“…I said about…”

His words got quieter and quieter.

“…not havin' feelin's fer ya…?”

Unless she was watching his lips and straining her ears, there was no way that she understood that.

He looked over at her, smiling vaguely.

“Well...darlin'..."

Shink.

"D’at was d’a lie.”

Chop.

code by ditto (head empty go bonk)

LowkeyLovingLoki · Dec 1, 2020

bend over backwards

Rome considered whacking Oat as he talked, since the movement of his mouth and cheeks was making the eyeliner a little hard to do. However, Rome was nothing if not a problem-solver, and moved his other hand to Oates’ chin to hold his mouth shut once he’d finished speaking. He scoffed and shook his head slightly, narrowing his eyes in concentration as he moved onto the other eye. “Am not ‘cutie’ anymore. Everyone want call me ‘victim’ and ‘minor’.”

Satisfied, he pulled his hand back and smiled at the job he’d done. Thank God he had let Oat do it himself. He stuck his tongue out at Oat after the peck on the cheek, reaching over and squeezing his side gently. While Oat looked in the mirror, so did Rome, and began applying his own liner. He watched Oat with a grin through the mirror as his friend moonwalked out, laughing as he lip synced to the lyrics of the song that played. Rome finished his eyeliner in no time, and then stumbled out of the bathroom to find Oat.

Before his friend could put his shoes on, arielle grabbed both his hands and arranged them to face each other. “We look hot,” he stated matter-of-factly.

romir

MOOD: all u need is oat

LOCATION: oates' apartment

OUTFIT: a hot fit

INTERACTIONS:

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code by valen t.

Realistic or Modern hollywood arts: main (open!!)

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