Fantasy Aedighar [closed]

[desti]

What if Elias wouldn’t come back? Arthor couldn’t help but think that he might not come back or things would change between them. That wasn’t what Arthor wanted, so now he was desperate in a way to not let Elias leave. He just had to convince him that this wasn’t a good idea. Elias cared about Antra, so it shouldn’t be that hard to make him think that it would be selfish of him to visit her.

“Just because I’m telling you the harsh truth, doesn’t mean that I’m angry.”

“You are angry.”

“Maybe I am. Only because you are going to get hurt and I don’t want that, Elias,” Arthor said and reached out to cup his cheek with his hand again.

But Elias didn’t let him do that and Arthor pulled his hand away. He didn’t want to anger him right now, nor would it really help him achieve what he wanted. Arthor was trying to calm down a little so that he could really talk to Elias as though his happiness and safety was the most important thing in his life.

“How will I hurt myself by visiting a friend?”

“You can’t just go back to being friends after having a relationship, Elias. What if you make a mistake? What if you go there and just ruin everything she’s built for herself so far? It’s not wise, Elias,” Arthor sighed.

“That’s why I would send her a letter first to make sure she thinks it’s okay for me to visit.”

“Of course she’ll want you to visit. She’s a young girl, probably emotional and sentimental after everything that’s happened.”

It was easy for Arthor to imagine a mistake happening, even if Elias claimed that he was only visiting her as a friend. That wasn’t how this worked, at least from his experience. Arthor doubted that Elias had seen him as anything else other than a friend when he returned from the North, and yet they had done many things together because of how much they’d missed one another. He thought that that was bound to happen between Elias and the Queen as well.

“How is if fair that you get to be friends with Leanah then?”

“Elias, I work here. I have to be around her and her mother constantly. It’s different. You are completely out of the Queen’s life. It’s best to just leave it be and move on.”

“You don’t have to be personal with Leanah, though.”

“If it eases your mind, we’re not as close as we used to be.”

“So I’m not allowed to visit someone who matters to me because you think it will only hurt me?”

“I can’t forbid you from visiting. I’m just saying that it’ll hurt you and everyone else involved. It’s selfish, Elias.”

How long would Arthor have to keep saying this? He really hoped that Elias would just calm down and then they could have a good evening together. Elias just had to realise that he was wrong and Arthor was right. This was selfish of him, even if it would make the Queen happy as well. They should just move on and forget about each other.

“Are you calling me selfish?”

“In this case, yes.”

At that, Elias scoffed so Arthor figured he probably didn’t want to hear that. It was the truth, though, and now Arthor just had to make him realise that. Elias turned and stepped towards the door, and that wasn’t good, so Arthor grabbed his arm so that he wouldn’t be able to leave.

“I’m sorry, Elias.”

“Let go of me.”

Arthor didn’t listen to him and took a step towards him while keeping a grip on his arm, “I know what I’m saying probably sounds horrible to you.”

“You’re so fucking selfish. You’re a hypocrite,” Elias said, pulling his arm away from Arthor harshly.

“I’m just telling you how it is, Elias. You don’t have to get angry because of the truth.”

"Getting angry for the truth? The truth is that you're selfish, and perhaps you're jealous even. Not once have I denied you anything."

It would’ve been so much easier with Leanah. Arthor sighed because he was getting tired of this and he just wanted another cup of wine. This time he didn’t grab Elias or stop him from getting closer to the door again. Arthor figured that would just make Elias angrier and less willing to listen to him.

“Sure, Elias. You’ll see that I was right in due time,” Arthor shrugged.

"Okay. Thank you for everything, Arthor,” Elias’ words didn’t exactly sound very genuine while he walked towards the door again.

“Don’t come crying to me when you ruin her marriage.”

With that, Arthor let Elias do what he wanted while he walked back to retrieve his cup from the ground. He cleaned the inside with the edge of his shirt, very much staining it red from the leftover wine that hadn’t spilled out. Arthor heard Elias’ footsteps stop before he reached the door, but he didn’t turn around to look at him.

"Fine. You'll never see me again."

Instead of answering or even looking at Elias, Arthor filled his cup again, while the thoughts in his mind were threatening to switch. Wine made him stupid and he very much needed that right now, since the last thing Arthor wanted was to feel all the guilt from treating Elias like this. He didn’t deserve this and nothing Arthor had said had been right, but he couldn’t handle the shame crashing down on him right now. So Arthor drank instead and tried not to feel absolutely horrible when he heard Elias leave the room.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Cherished
Chapter CXXXIII
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar ​

While Leanah thought she was getting through the pregnancy nicely, it had become so very exhausting. Most days were spent in bed or a warm, calming bath. Sometimes she would sit with a piece of cloth and her needle to make time go by faster, but too often did she find herself incredibly bored. The pregnancy was making her unable to go outside like she wanted to. Leanah wanted to walk through the gardens, smell the fresh flowers while perhaps holding onto Adian’s arm.

Now she couldn’t do that. Her knees were so weak.

Considering how much her body had changed, Leanah wasn’t surprised that she had to find other things to occupy herself with. She couldn’t even walk around in the castle for long without feeling tired, but at least she had Adian by her side.

Leanah worried that Adian was becoming bored with staying with her in their room for so long. It was understandable if he was as she imagined that he would want to go outside to do other things than taking care of her every day, but Leanah was very thankful that he chose to be with her. Without him, she would have been miserable and lonely. Leanah wouldn’t have been able to handle that. The child gave her some company with its kicking and movements, but she doubted that the child understood any of the words she said to it.

Perhaps it was silly of Leanah to talk to her child as if it could hear her or understand her. It brought her comfort and happiness, though. The child seemed to like it as well as whenever it appeared to be uneasy in her belly, she used her voice in an attempt to soothe it, which usually worked. Leanah liked to think that they already had a bond, a strong connection.

Gods, she would love her child so much. She wanted to see it now.

That morning, Leanah woke up once the sun lit up their room through the shutters. For once she had gotten a long, peaceful night of sleep. Her eyes didn’t ache once she opened them, and there was a smile on her face as she looked over at Adian beside her. The love she felt for him hadn’t faded. A warmth spread through her body at the sight of him, and she turned over at her side to face him. With her hand raised, she stroked her fingers lightly against his cheek. He was so beautiful and perfect.

Leanah wanted to tell him how much she loved him.

There was a small smile on Adian’s lips, which made Leanah move closer to him. It was somewhat challenging because of how large her belly was. Gods, she missed the sensation of laying in his arms.

“Good morning,” Leanah mumbled as she stroked her fingers from his cheek and down to his shoulder.

Adian had never looked more perfect than he did now. He made her feel things no one else had been able to make her feel. They were meant to be together, that Leanah was sure of. No one could compare to Adian. It was silly, but a few times she wondered if he was the love of her life. Leanah didn’t think her words would be enough to explain how much he meant to her.

“Good morning,” Adian mumbled in return before leaning forward to press his lips against her head.

“You’re so beautiful,” she chuckled quietly, not being able to tear her gaze away from him.

The compliment appeared to make Adian happy as he laughed. Leanah watched him closely while he yawned before rubbing his fingers against his face. Usually she would feel terribly exhausted, but for once she was energised, and it felt so long ago since she had woken up as happy as she was now. They had been married for so many months now, and Leanah hadn’t grown tired of waking up next to him.

Leanah shifted to lay on her back, sighing at the weight of her own body as she looked down at her belly. When Adian cuddled up to her, kissing her cheek while stroking his hand against her belly, Leanah closed her eyes at how sweet his touch felt. Her whole body felt alive whenever he touched her.

“Did you sleep well?” Leanah asked once she opened her eyes to look at him.

Adian nodded and smiled before he chuckled, “did you sleep for once?”

“Yes, finally,” she laughed.

"That's good,” he said and kissed her cheek again.

“But I miss being able to hold you, and you holding me feels weird.”

The belly was very much in the way when it came to cuddling. Leanah could lay with her back pressed up against Adian’s chest, but then her belly would feel extra heavy. The other way around wouldn’t work either, and they couldn’t even face each other while cuddling as her belly would always be in the way.

"You don't want me to hold you?"

“I want to, but the child is in the way,” Leanah chuckled.

Adian chuckled as well while rubbing his hand against her belly, and Leanah moved her hand to rest over his. Mornings with him were always so perfect. If they would be this perfect for the rest of their lives, she would be incredibly lucky. Adian meant everything to her, and she couldn’t wait to see what he would be like as a father. They would hopefully be good parents to her child. That was all she wanted.

 

[desti]

Maybe life wasn’t as exciting as it had been before, but Adian had never felt happier. Sure, he couldn’t do many things with Leanah anymore, since she was so tired and rather big by this point, but Adian didn’t mind. They would just have lazy days together in bed or sometimes they would walk outside if she felt like she could do that. Whatever they did, Adian enjoyed because he loved spending time with her in any way possible.

It was stupid how excited Adian really was. He wasn’t entirely sure how long it would take now until Leanah would have the child, but he couldn’t wait. Adian wanted to be a father and he was excited to see how they’d do as parents, though he didn’t worry at all about how good they’d be. He knew that they’d love the child and be good parents to it, there were no doubts about that.

Though all of it made him excited, it did make Adian feel a little bad for Leanah, because he saw how much she was struggling at times. He knew that she couldn’t sleep, so he stayed up with her whenever he could for however long he could manage. That seemed to be the biggest issue, really, but Adian tried to help Leanah with everything else too. He wanted to be as supportive as possible during this time.

Because of how large she’d grown, Adian did have trouble holding her like he used to. It was alright, though, and Adian didn’t complain. He thought the belly was kind of adorable, really, so that distracted him enough to not let him get upset about being unable to cuddle with her.

“You’re getting so big,” Adian mumbled and chuckled.

“I know.”

“You look adorable.”

At that, Leanah shook her head, obviously disagreeing with him. Adian thought she looked lovely like this. She walked a little funny, too, which made him chuckle a little and smile to himself. Obviously Leanah thought differently, but Adian didn’t change his mind about it.

“It’s true.”

"I feel too big."

“I think you look great.”

"You're too sweet."

Adian smiled and leant in to kiss her cheek then. He thought that the pregnancy was giving her a sort of glow that somehow made her even more beautiful. Adian thought she looked amazing, even if she sometimes looked a little tired. It seemed like Leanah wanted to kiss him and Adian didn’t complain, pressing their lips together softly. Her hands were stroking his hair, while Adian let his hand stay on her stomach.

There was some movement against his hand then and Leanah chuckled because of it. Adian pulled away to look down at her stomach then. It was always so sweet to feel the child respond to his touch, in a way it made Adian feel like they did have a sort of bond already. He smiled and moved a little down on the bed, pressing his lips against her stomach, “good morning.”

Was it stupid to talk to the child? Adian didn’t know if it could hear him, but he didn’t really care all that much. If it could sense his touch, then perhaps it could hear his voice as well. He wanted to talk to it, even if it didn’t hear him. There was something sweet about it, almost like they were bonding already.

"I'm so excited,” Leanah mumbled.

“Me too.”

"But I know I'll be scared once it's time."

“It’s going to be alright. I’ll be there for you.”

With his hand still on her stomach, Adian moved back up the bed to lay beside her. He knew that it would be terrifying for Leanah to go through this. Adian thought it would be scary for him too, as he wasn’t sure what to expect from this whatsoever. He wanted to be there for her, though, and help her if there was something he could do.

"Will you be scared?"

“Probably.”

"I hope I'll be alright."

“You will be,” Adian smiled and kissed her cheek again, “you can do this, Leanah.”

"As long as I have you."

“I’ll always be with you, Leanah.”

That earned him a short kiss which made Adian smiled. He stroked his fingers through her hair and pulled away to look at her. Gods, Adian would never get over how beautiful she was. How had he gotten so lucky? Adian couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with her. It sounded so perfect in his mind, like nothing could ever go wrong between them.

"I wish we could go outside."

“We could, we’d just have to take breaks every now and then.”

"Won't you get tired of my complaining?"

Adian laughed at that and shook his head, “no.”

“Then maybe.”

“There’s a lot of benches in the gardens, so…”

 

[scoorpiuuss]

There was something beautiful about carrying a child, but Leanah had her days where she didn’t feel very beautiful at all. She wasn’t sure if it was because of how big her belly had gotten or not, but there were times the size of it would make her extremely uncomfortable. In the end, Leanah didn’t care too much as the thought of her child being in there made her too happy, but she wasn’t sure if she believed Adian when he had said she looked cute.

Because of how many days Leanah had spent inside lately, she wanted to venture out of the castle. The only thing that bothered her was how exhausted she would likely be after a short amount of time, but Adian was right that there were many benches in the gardens. Gods, it was a little silly of her to miss the gardens as much as she did, but it was her favourite place after all.

“Sounds like you’re eager to get outside as well,” Leanah chuckled.

"As much as I love this room, yes,” Adian chuckled.

Since Adian wanted it, Leanah wouldn’t say no. She would try her best not to complain, and because of how well rested she felt, there was a chance she would be able to handle a bit of activity. Perhaps it was a bad sign that she was feeling weak, but both her mother and the Maester had told her to get a lot of rest. Therefore Leanah had chosen to stay inside most of the time.

“We’ll go to the gardens.”

"If you feel up to it,” he nodded with a smile on his lips.

“I do.”

“Good.”

Adian pressed his lips against hers, and Leanah kissed him back while moving her hand to cup his cheek. A bit of fresh air sounded very nice. She was already looking forward to going to the gardens now. His hand stroked over her belly while they kissed, and Leanah smiled against his lips at the sensation. It made her stroke her hand into his hair to comb her fingers through the strands, but then Adian pulled away from her.

“But we could lay here for a little while longer,” Leanah smiled.

"I think that is a very good idea,” he nodded.

“Good,” she chuckled.

This time when Adian kissed her, Leanah sighed into the kiss. There were certain things she missed about their marriage that they had suddenly stopped doing. She knew it was her fault since she no longer felt comfortable with herself and how big her belly was, but she did miss it a lot. At times she would feel the need to try, but she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to do it and end up leading Adian on. That wasn’t what she wanted.

Leanah pulled away from the kiss then, chuckling once she met his gaze. Adian pressed a kiss against her forehead, and she wished she could lay in his arms now, pressed up against his body while he stroked her back. Instead of attempting to make that work, Leanah sighed as she moved to lay on her side.

"I can't wait,” Adian mumbled.

“You won’t have to wait for much longer.”

"How long do I have to wait then?"

“I’m not sure,” Leanah chuckled.

"I hope it's not too far away,” Adian chuckled as well.

“Soon enough I’ll have my child,” she smiled.

It couldn’t be too far away now. Leanah was certain that it would happen soon, and then she would have her child in her arms. That moment was something she craved so badly now. She worried that there was a chance not everyone would be happy for her because there was a chance she’d have a son, but she would be happy. Perhaps happy was an understatement even. It would be the best day of her life, and there was no doubt about that.

Adian had such a bright smile resting on his lips as he looked at her belly. Leanah couldn’t stop smiling at how sweet the sight of that was. Slowly she raised her hand to caress his cheek. He turned his head slightly to kiss her hand which she chuckled at. Gods, Adian was so perfect. It seemed like he couldn’t stop smiling either. Leanah kept stroking her fingers against his cheek then before resting her hand against the side of his neck, and Adian moved his hand to her wrist then. His touch felt so sweet.

“You’re so perfect,” Leanah mumbled.

When Adian chuckled, Leanah chuckled too, but she meant it. He was perfect, and that thought always lingered on her mind. Life was perfect with him, and she felt as if she was living in a dream whenever she was with Adian. He was always so sweet with her, especially now as he kissed her hand again. Leanah wanted to lay there forever with him, but she pulled away from him, sitting up on the bed before moving to sit at the edge of it.

Once she looked behind her at Adian, he was watching her while stretching on the bed. The sight was quite amusing, making her laugh before standing up. One thing she wasn’t looking forward to was getting dressed. She thought the dresses that had been made for her were still quite tight, though they were supposed to fit her. Leanah hated them so much.

 

[desti]

While Leanah got up from the bed, Adian stayed on the bed, propping himself up on his elbow while his eyes stayed on her. She was so beautiful, every inch of her was perfect and Adian was lucky to be able to call her his. He wasn’t sure what he had done to deserve her, but he was so happy that she was by his side. Life seemed to great with her, and Adian couldn’t imagine being without her anymore.

“I thought you said we’d lay here for a bit longer,” Adian mumbled and chuckled.

Though he didn’t mind getting up, he had wanted to maybe lay around and be lazy for a while more. Adian would’ve liked to just have one day where they could spend it all in their bed. Maybe after the child would be born they could do that and nobody would mind. Adian thought that sounded sweet.

"Do you want me to lay back down again?"

“You could…” he smiled and shrugged.

That was enough to convince Leanah to stay here for a bit longer and she laid back down again. Adian smiled and laid his head down on the pillow and moved his hand to rest on her stomach again. He couldn’t stop touching it, and he hoped that Leanah didn’t find it annoying. Gods, Adian couldn’t wait to be a father to this child. He hoped that he would be a good one.

While Leanah was stroking his hair, the child kicked against his hand. Could it get any better than this, really? They really felt like a family, and Adian didn’t care that the child wasn’t his. He’d gotten over it by this point. Now Adian just felt like they were becoming a real family. Maybe if all would go well now, they could have children together a few years after this one. Adian would like that.

Leanah’s hand stroked down over his shoulder and he looked at her, before leaning over to kiss her again. There was a certain part of their life that had been ignored for a while now, but Adian respected that. If Leanah didn’t feel comfortable doing these things anymore, that was alright. He hoped that she didn’t think that he wasn’t attracted to her anymore, because it was quite the opposite.

Their kiss was sweet and Adian smiled into it, while his fingers stroked against her stomach. He so badly wanted to hold this child in his arms, but he had to be patient. It couldn’t be too much longer until they would finally meet. Gods, he was so excited. Adian didn’t even mind the thought of Sir Arthor being involved in the child’s life, as long as Leanah trusted him with it.

Too soon, Leanah pulled away and kissed his cheek instead. That made Adian chuckle as he kissed her head in return. Even simple things like that made Adian so happy whenever they were together. He thought he would never tire of the sweet kisses or even sweeter words they shared with one another. Adian was so very in love with Leanah, and he doubted that his feelings for her would ever fade or lessen.

Her lips traveled down his neck and Adian smiled, stroking his fingers through her hair. Did she feel as strongly for him as he did for her? Adian hoped so and it really did seem that way. He wanted to make her as happy as he felt with her, and he hoped that he was succeeding in doing that so far. Then Leanah pulled away again and smiled at him. Adian moved his hand to cup her cheek, stroking his thumb against her skin while he watched her.

“You’re so beautiful.”

That made Leanah chuckle and Adian smiled, leaning forwards to kiss her cheek. He was so glad that he’d gotten the courage to write to Lady Carlys about the proposal. If he hadn’t, who knows where Adian would’ve ended up. He doubted that he could love another woman as much as he loved Leanah. The feelings he felt for her were so strong, he’d never felt this much for anyone else.

"I'm so lucky."

“Me too.”

"You're so special to me."

It made Adian smile to hear that and it wasn’t hard for him to imagine that their feelings towards each other were exactly the same. He did wonder if she’d felt like this for Arthor, too, or if what she felt towards him was different. Adian had never really asked too much about her relationship to him, because he thought that it might upset her. That wasn’t what he wanted, and he wasn’t entirely sure if he really wanted to hear too much of it, anyways.

Leanah began to stroke his hair again and Adian closed his eyes while he moved his head to rest on her shoulder. She wrapped her arms around him then and Adian smiled. Maybe he’d fall asleep again, but that probably wasn’t a great idea. Her arms were so tight and comforting around him and it was so relaxing to lay here, so Adian opened his eyes again to stop himself from drifting off. That’d be rude of him to do.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Adian had to be the perfect husband for her. If it hadn’t been for Arthor, Leanah would have realised that the day they had met each other. The memories of their first walk through their gardens often came to her mind. How he had understood how frightening it was for her, and the way he had comforted her when she had dared to open up to him, were signs that Adian was the man she had always wanted. Leanah loved him, more than she could begin to understand. She belonged with him, and she couldn’t imagine her life without him.

While they laid there, Leanah wondered what would have happened if she would have never accepted him. Arthor could have ruined everything for her. Sometimes it surprised her that she had forgiven him, but it had been the right decision. They weren’t as close as they had been before Adian had arrived, but Leanah didn’t mind it too much. As long as they were friends, she was happy. Arthor deserved a chance.

“I remember how nervous I was the day I met you,” Leanah chuckled.

"I remember too,” Adian chuckled quietly.

“Gods, I was so frightened.”

"I know. Me too."

“You were so kind to me. Had it not been for how upset I was, I would have fallen for you immediately.”

"You think so?"

Leanah nodded at his question. There was no doubt in her mind that she would have developed feelings for him right away had it not been for Arthor. Luckily it had all worked out in the end, and she was glad that it had. It was easy for Leanah to see that it made Adian happy to hear that as she glanced down at him, seeing him smile. She hoped that he believed her because she was absolutely smitten with him.

They would be a family soon. Leanah knew they would be good parents together. The child would be loved and cherished. Her life would change so much because of the child, but she hoped she would feel happier. Ever since Timos had died, Leanah had struggled to find happiness. For a while, she thought Arthor was her source of happiness, but she realised that relying on him had been wrong of her to do. It had made her naive. Now Leanah thought she would be able to rely on herself for her own happiness.

“Do you think it’ll be stressful to raise a child?”

"Probably. It'll be exciting, though."

“We will probably have many children. We could fill the whole castle,” Leanah chuckled, knowing she was only joking.

"I'd love that,” Adian laughed.

“You would?”

"Yes,” he said as he kept laughing.

Once Leanah would be ready, she wouldn’t hesitate to give Adian children. How many she hadn’t really thought about as she wasn’t able to control that, but she could easily imagine them having a few children together. A part of her wanted a big family because she only had her mother left, and she remembered how lucky she had been for having a brother. She wanted her children to have brothers or sisters to rely on. Perhaps not so many that they would fill the whole castle, though.

“Well, I don’t think I’ll be able to fill the whole castle, though.”

"I guess that might be a bit too much, after all,” Adian mumbled while chuckling.

“It would be difficult to name all of them too if we did that,” she chuckled.

"That's true. We'd run out of names."

“But we’ll be a big family. I promise.”

That must have made Adian happy as he smiled before raising his head to kiss her. It made her happy as well because it was what she wanted with him. They would be a big family, or she hoped they would. Something could happen that would ruin that, but she chose not to think about that. Leanah focused on the kiss instead as she moved her hands to cup his cheeks. The kiss was sweet, and she only wished she could have turned them around and laid on top of him. That wouldn’t be possible because of how heavy she felt.

Leanah sighed into the kiss while stroking her thumbs over his cheeks. Too soon did Adian pull away from the kiss, but she didn’t mind as she smiled at him. Gods, he was so handsome, especially when he smiled back at her.

“Now you’re going to make me want to stay here all day,” Leanah mumbled

"Would that be so bad?"

“No, but you were the one who wanted to go outside today.”

"I won't be upset if we never get to it. I don't mind staying here,” Adian chuckled.

It had sounded nice to go outside, but laying here with Adian made her realise that staying in bed all day sounded nice as well, if not nicer. Leanah wouldn’t mind it if they laid there doing nothing for the rest of the day. Everything was so perfect with Adian that nothing could ever get boring with him. Perhaps that was a bit silly, but Leanah was glad that she enjoyed herself so much with him. She wouldn’t have to worry about feeling bored then.

“I don’t mind either.”

 

[desti]

Now that Adian knew for sure that Leanah wanted to have a big family with him, he felt even happier. He wanted children with her and he hoped that it would happen, because he thought it would be absolutely amazing. Of course Adian would love the bastard too, but that would be a little bit different, obviously.

The fact that they might never get out of the castle today didn’t really bother Adian too much. He had wanted to go, but now that they were laying here and talking, Adian didn’t even think about moving. It just felt so comfortable and nice to be here with her, so Adian definitely wouldn’t mind staying here the whole day. Leanah didn’t seem to protest, either. Maybe eventually.

“Then let’s stay in,” Adian smiled.

“Okay,” Leanah chuckled.

“What do you think it’s going to be?”

Though Adian knew that they wouldn’t find out until the day it would be born, he figured that Leanah must’ve had some sort of idea if the child was a boy or a girl. It would’ve been easier for everyone if it was a girl, but Adian honestly didn’t really mind. He would be ecstatic either way. Should they start thinking about names already? Was it too early? Adian wasn’t sure, but suddenly that thought excited him.

“A boy.”

“Really?”

“I think so.”

If Leanah’s intuition would prove to be true, then the bastard would rule the South. Adian didn’t really care. If that would happen, then so be it. He wouldn’t get angry or feel cheated because of it. It would still be his son, after all. The thought made him smile and chuckled a little, “have you thought about what name you might want to give him then?”

“Maybe.”

“Oh?”

"I like Connas."

After a moment’s thought, Adian nodded and smiled, “I like it.”

"Do you?"

“Connas Hastwyck. I think it sounds nice,” Adian chuckled and looked at her.

“Me too.”

It sounded like a nice name to Adian. There was a chance that they’d change their minds or it would turn out to be a girl, but for now they seemed to agree on it. Leanah touched her stomach and Adian smiled while he watched her. She looked so happy and excited, and it made Adian feel the same. He just couldn’t wait until they could finally hold their child and have a family.

“We’ll be great parents.”

“I know,” Leanah said, looking at him again.

“It’s going to be amazing.”

The thought of raising a child together sounded fantastic. Adian was confident that they would do a good job at it and that it wouldn’t take them long to get the hang of it. It would probably be difficult at the start, but that was to be expected. They’d help each other, though, and Adian knew that they’d be just fine.

Then Leanah leant forwards to kiss him. Adian smiled and moved his hand to cup her cheek, while Leanah was stroking his hair. Everything felt so right and nice, and Adian thought he wasn’t able to get any happier than this. After meeting Leanah, life became so much more enjoyable and amazing. There was no doubt that Adian loved her with all of his heart.

The kiss was a little less sweet and more passionate than their last one, and Adian didn’t mind that one bit. He moved to be a little closer to her then, stroking his thumb against her cheek. Leanah bit his lip and that made Adian chuckle and pull away from her.

“I miss you.”

At that, Adian laughed again, “well, I miss you too.”

Leanah was pouting a little and Adian kissed her forehead then. Her hand stroked over the side of his body and he chuckled. Adian definitely missed being with her like that, but he understood that she might feel uncomfortable so he didn’t have any issues with waiting. He was patient, after all. Leanah gave out a very over the top sigh while she looked away, making Adian laugh again.

“It’s alright.”

“No.”

“No?” Adian chuckled.

"It's not alright,” Leanah chuckled.

“Patience is very important.”

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Apologies
Chapter CXXXIV
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar ​

Not a single letter had been sent to Antra. Elias wasn’t sure if it was worth it anymore. A small journey that hadn’t even been planned had managed to ruin everything between him and Arthor. He couldn’t recall the last time he had stayed in his bed for a whole day while drowning in his own thoughts. There had been a time Arthor had mattered so much to him, but now Elias wasn’t so sure anymore. The words he had said were cruel. Elias thought he would always remember what Arthor had told him and called him.

Selfish. Elias didn’t understand how he had ever been selfish with Arthor. All this time, Elias had worked so hard to make everything better for him. Not once had he stopped to think about himself. If anything, Elias had sacrificed so much for Arthor. Almost every day since he had gotten home from the war, Elias had been by his side. Never had he been selfish, and the fact that Arthor had found it in himself to call him that hurt more than Elias wanted to admit. That word haunted his mind along with the others Arthor had called him.

Elias had avoided Arthor at all cost for the last week. Not a single part of him wanted to see him again, not until he was ready to talk about what had happened. That could be a few weeks, months even. All he wanted to do now was lay in his bed for most of the day or find some of his other friends in the castle to go out with.

It wasn’t supposed to happen like that. Elias had expected Arthor to be a little upset with him, but he could have never guessed that Arthor would take it that far. It was as if he had become another person, and Elias couldn’t recognise him anymore. Now he wasn’t sure what they were to each other. Elias knew he loved Arthor, but he didn’t love the person he had been that night. If that was who Arthor was now, Elias wanted nothing to do with him. Then he could leave Santrella for good.

After a few more days, Elias debated trying to find Arthor, but he decided that it wasn’t his job. For once he was taking care of himself. It was so late at night that Elias was laying under his thin blankets when there was a knock at his door. He groaned while raising his head off of the pillow, not understanding who would bother him now.

It was so dark that Elias used a moment to light the candle by his bed before he stood up. Rather quickly he pulled his trousers up over his hips, tying the laces rather lazily while making his way across the room. Once he opened the door, he wanted to shut it again. Though he had thought about seeing Arthor, he didn’t feel ready. But there was a small part of him that tried to fight that feeling away.

"Hi,” Arthor mumbled.

“Hi,” Elias said, but the simple word had nearly gotten stuck in his throat because of how dry it suddenly felt.

The sadness in Arthor’s face was easy for Elias to see. A part of him felt sorry that Arthor was upset, but at the same time, he couldn’t express that because of how rude Arthor had been. It wouldn’t be right of him to push his own needs aside now. He couldn’t do that, so when Arthor looked away from him, Elias wasn’t sure what to do.

“What are you doing here?”

"I wanted to apologise."

“Okay,” Elias sighed.

"I'm sorry. What I said was wrong."

Everything Arthor had said was wrong. Elias knew it was rather easy for some to say foolish things when they were upset, and he thought that had been the case for Arthor that night. It wasn’t easy for him to forget it, though. Neither was it easy for him to forgive Arthor for what he had said. Elias only nodded and assumed that Arthor perhaps wanted to come inside to talk about it, so he took a step to the side as a slight invitation. Arthor looked rather hesitant when he stepped inside, but Elias only closed the door before leaning against it.

Their gaze met for a moment until Arthor looked away, and Elias wished that he had never mentioned going to Wheldrake. He missed Arthor, but what he had done hadn’t been right. Elias wouldn’t brush what had happened away simply because he missed him. They would have to talk about it.

“I’m not selfish,” Elias mumbled as if he was trying to defend himself against Arthor’s accusations.

"I know you're not. I'm sorry."

“Not once have I been selfish. I have always pushed my own needs aside for you.”

"I know."

“Good.”

"I shouldn't have said any of that."

“I know,” Elias agreed with a nod.

Those words would haunt him for some time. That Elias was certain of as he already had found it difficult to fall asleep at night. Arthor had hurt him. It was the first time they had actually fought like that, and Elias felt so broken after everything. The pain he had felt after that night was a kind of pain he had never felt before. Elias had for a moment thought that everything between them was over.

 

[desti]

There were no words to describe how horrible Arthor felt about everything. The need to selfishly have Elias all for himself had probably ruined everything between them. Arthor was so fucking stupid, he couldn’t believe that he’d let himself hurt Elias like that. He had promised that he wouldn’t act like this anymore, and yet he had been as poisonous as ever that night.

For a while, Arthor had thought that he couldn’t possibly fuck anything up with Elias. He was doing so good and being a better man, but he’d fucked it all up after Elias told him about his plans. It was unfair and stupid, and Arthor felt pathetic because of it. He wished that he could just take it back, but that obviously wasn’t possible.

In a way, Arthor almost hoped that Elias would just pack his things and go to Wheldrake and stay there. Then he wouldn’t be able to hurt Elias again and perhaps he’d find real happiness there. But news of Elias leaving never came, and Arthor figured that he might be staying. He didn’t have the courage to go to him, though, and apologise. Elias didn’t look for him either.

Whatever they had shared was over, and Arthor hated that. He was completely sure that he had lost Elias because of the harsh words he’d said to him. Arthor missed him, but Elias would be better off without him. Everyone would be better off without him, really. He hated himself and he hated everything he’d done.

Only after more than a week had passed did Arthor finally get the courage to go to Elias. He did need a cup of wine and some sleepless nights prior to achieve that. Now Arthor could tell Elias that he was wrong and that he was sorry. Then Elias would leave and be happy elsewhere. If he’d be brave enough, Arthor could make sure that he wouldn’t be able to hurt or bother anyone anymore, and he thought that everyone would be happier then.

Now that they were in Elias’ room, it seemed like he was still upset about it as well. Arthor tried to apologise, but he wasn’t sure if he was doing a good job at that. He’d definitely ruined everything, but that wasn’t anything new. Arthor should’ve expected this to happen, but he had foolishly thought that this would end differently. He’d been so fucking stupid and naive, he had trusted himself too much.

“You’re not selfish, I am.”

"Yes, you are."

“I’m sorry, I never wanted to hurt you.”

"I hope you're sorry."

“I am. You don’t have to forgive me, it’s alright.”

"I can't forgive you right now."

That was fine with Arthor. He figured that he had already lost him and though no part of Arthor was alright with that, there wasn’t anything he could do. Elias deserved someone better, so much better and Arthor didn’t want to bother him anymore. He would be better off somewhere else and with someone who wouldn’t hurt him.

“That’s alright. I don’t expect you to do that.”

“Good.”

“Good,” Arthor mumbled and looked down.

When Elias moved away from the door and instead went to sit on the bed, Arthor didn’t look at him once. He felt like he had to leave and that he was unwelcome here, every part of him felt uncomfortable and he thought that Elias must feel that too. Arthor wanted to cry, but he didn’t want to do that in front of Elias. It was stupid and pathetic.

“That’s all, really,” Arthor mumbled and shrugged a little, “I’ll let you sleep now. Sorry.”

"You don't have to leave."

“I don’t want to bother you anymore.”

"You don't bother me, Arthor."

“I know I do. You’re just too nice to say it.”

After all, Elias was so kind and Arthor thought that even now Elias didn’t want to hurt him. It was admirable and Arthor wished he could be like that too. He wasn’t, though, he was a complete asshole and there was apparently no way for him to fix that. If he hadn’t fixed himself yet, then Arthor doubted there was any chance for him to do that. It was obviously easy for him to fall back into his old habits and thoughts. He was so pathetic.

"Stop. If you leave now, I'll end up being miserable. That's the truth."

“It’s not. You’ll be fine,” Arthor shook his head.

"I'm telling you how I feel, and that is the fucking truth, Arthor. Stop lying to yourself and putting words in my mouth."

All Arthor could hear then was that he was fucking things up even more, rather than salvaging what he could. Gods, he was an idiot. Arthor was pathetic and horrible and he didn’t do anything right. It was too easy for him to imagine how happy everyone would be if he’d just go away. Maybe Leanah and Elias would be sad for a while, but he thought they’d get over it soon and then they could be truly happy. He was just a burden to everyone.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Talking to Arthor was much harder than Elias had anticipated. Arthor must have felt guilty from the way he spoke, but Elias didn’t appreciate the way he put words in his mouth. From his perspective, Elias was telling the truth. Without Arthor, or without this conversation, Elias would be miserable and filled with unanswered questions. Arthor wasn’t bothering him by staying here, and if he were, he would have never let him stay. Why was Arthor telling himself such things? Elias didn’t enjoy hearing it at all, and he wanted Arthor to stop pitying himself.

Elias knew that Arthor could be problematic at times. He had been there as well where he blamed himself for everything and avoided conflicts at all cost. It wasn’t healthy, and he hated seeing Arthor like that. Elias assumed that Arthor was so caught up in his own mistakes, dwelling on the past so much until he was unable to move on. Whatever it was Arthor was struggling with, Elias knew that all Arthor had to do was grow up.

That was much easier said than done, and Elias wouldn’t force Arthor to work on himself, but if they were going to be lovers or friends, Elias hoped Arthor would find it in himself to do better. If not then he was afraid they would lose each other, and even if Elias couldn’t forgive Arthor right now, that wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted them to be happy together, and that couldn’t be a hopeless mission. Elias would try his best.

“You dwell too much on the past and your own mistakes. Don’t you understand that it isn’t healthy for you?” Elias asked as he rose from the bed, “Arthor, I know you struggle, but I can’t carry your life in my hands.”

When Arthor didn’t answer, Elias felt as if he was talking to a wall. It wasn’t enjoyable, but he hadn’t expected this conversation to be enjoyable either. A slight sigh fell from his lips, and he wanted to knock his words into Arthor’s head somehow, but he wasn’t sure if Arthor would even listen to him. If he wouldn’t listen, then at least Elias had tried. There wasn’t much else he could do then.

“We’re not going to get anywhere unless you can learn to forgive yourself, or care for yourself somehow,” Elias sighed.

It shouldn’t have surprised Elias that Arthor didn’t say anything. He watched as Arthor rubbed his face, but not for long as he ended up sitting back down onto the bed with his gaze on the floor. What was he supposed to do? He could comfort Arthor, but that wouldn’t do anything. Arthor had to learn how to be independent, as Elias assumed that perhaps Arthor had gotten a little too dependent on him. Gods, he wanted to reach out and help, but Elias knew it would only make things worse if he would let Arthor give him his life again.

"I'm sorry,” Arthor mumbled.

“I know.”

"I fucked everything up. I always do. You deserve better than this."

It hurt Elias to see Arthor crying then once he looked up at him, but Elias knew he couldn’t get up and comfort him, “Arthor, you fuck up because you get too dependent on me.”

Fuck it frustrated Elias when Arthor didn’t reply again. It made him feel useless. Instead of trying to say anything, Elias got quiet as well. It upset him because it felt as if Arthor was slipping through his fingers. That wasn’t what he fucking wanted. Arthor looked so upset that it took all of Elias’ strength to stay seated on the bed. He only watched as Arthor rubbed his eyes. There was nothing he could fucking do. Gods, he was so useless.

For a while they were quiet until Arthor broke the silence, “so are you going to go?”

“I don’t know,” Elias said as he looked at him, but Arthor was looking at the floor.

"You should."

“I’m not sure if I want to anymore.”

"You should go. She'll be happy to see you. You'll be happy, too,” Arthor nodded and turned away.

“Perhaps I’ll go there one day, but not right now.”

"Why not?"

“Because I’m not in a good place right now,” Elias sighed.

Elias wanted to visit Antra when he would feel better, whenever that would be. Until then he would stay in Santrella until he had managed to fix his problems. It seemed like he wouldn’t be able to fix them until he fixed his problems with Arthor, though. That meant he would have to stay until Arthor was happy as well.

"I'm sorry."

“I know you’re sorry.”

Then Arthor got quiet again, and Elias ended up sitting there on the bed in silence as well. He had already tried talking to Arthor about their problems, but since Arthor would answer him or talk, Elias couldn’t do anything. It upset him, but he didn’t want to cry now, even if it seemed like this was the end of their friendship and everything else they had shared. At least Elias had tried.

"Sorry that it had to end this way,” Arthor mumbled.

“We could have fixed it if you talked to me, but you won’t.”

Elias sighed when Arthor didn’t answer. If Arthor wanted to give up on them, then there was nothing Elias could do. He could stand there for hours trying to speak to him, but what good would come of it if Arthor wouldn’t speak to him? Of course he could force him to speak, but Elias didn’t want to force himself upon Arthor if he didn’t want this anymore.

 

[desti]

How could Arthor possibly live without Elias in his life? They’d been friends for so many years now and now it was all fucked up because of one stupid conversation. If Arthor had been sober or maybe not as tired as he had been then, maybe it would’ve gone differently. In the end, though, Arthor had fucked it up and it was over now. He doubted that talking would’ve fixed this. In a way, he didn’t want to fix it because Elias would be better off without him.

It was obvious to Arthor that he should just go now. At the same time, he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Elias’ room. These could’ve been his last moments with Elias and Arthor was afraid of what might happen when he’d leave. Though maybe Arthor was too big of a coward to do something like that, even if it was the right decision in his mind. Maybe with a lot of wine in his blood he’d be able to conquer his fears.

For a while they’d be sad, even Arthor knew that. But then they’d be just fine, without Arthor tying them down. Lady Carlys and Adian would probably be glad. The child would never have to know the truth and possibly be hurt by it or embarrassed because of it. In Arthor’s mind, it all made sense that this was the best option to make. Gods, he was afraid, though. It was so stupid and he didn’t understand why that was so. Probably because of how selfish he was.

If Arthor really did love Leanah and Elias more than anything, then he would do this. It was his one chance to prove that he loved them and valued them over himself. It could be his one, ultimate selfless act that would make everything right again. If Arthor would stay here, he’d just keep making mistakes over and over again. It would just repeat until he’d die anyways, so he might as well speed it up and save everyone else the pain of being around him.

For whatever reason, that thought didn’t scare him as much as it calmed him. Arthor wouldn’t be in this constant state of pain and regret, nor would those around him be hurt by him. It wasn’t that scary at all, really, now that he thought more about it. Now that he’d finally made up his mind after so long of contemplating it, it did calm him down in a way and eased his mind just a little.

“I love you,” Arthor mumbled as he looked at Elias finally, “I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish all this time.”

"I love you too, Arthor. I wanted to fix this."

“It’s alright, Elias.”

There was no doubt in Arthor’s mind that Elias would be better off like this. Maybe he would even find someone or just go to Wheldrake and be happy with Antra, either as her friend or as a lover. Elias was a good man, smart and kind, so Arthor thought that he still had many opportunities in life. He would find his way and be so much better without him. Arthor was just holding him back.

"Not really."

“Well, it’ll be alright.”

“Okay.”

Then Arthor just nodded and looked away again. He thought he should maybe say something meaningful to Elias right now, but Arthor wasn’t sure what that might be. Maybe Elias wouldn’t want to hear it, anyways. When Arthor heard Elias get up, he looked over to him to see Elias standing up and taking a step towards him.

"I'm sorry as well."

“There’s nothing you have to apologise for.”

"I want to help you."

“What?”

"Or I wish I could help you,” Elias shrugged.

“It’s alright.”

When Elias said that Arthor was too dependant on him, he had been absolutely right. That was a problem Arthor had faced with Leanah as well. He grew too dependant on them and that didn’t go well, especially paired with his fear of change. Arthor doubted that Elias could’ve helped him with any of that. He didn’t think that he would ever get better, Elias had done everything he could and Arthor still fucked up.

“Okay,” Elias said and looked away from him.

Though Arthor felt unsure, he took a few steps towards Elias and wrapped his arms around him. He thought that at the moment they both needed a hug, and Arthor hoped that he hadn’t overstepped his boundaries right now. The last thing he wanted was to upset Elias even more. Elias didn’t pull away though and wrapped his arms around Arthor, which made Arthor a bit more confident while he held onto Elias tightly.

It did make Arthor feel like absolute shit when he heard Elias sobbing. He rubbed his back gently in an effort to calm him down a little, though Arthor doubted it would work. It seemed like it didn’t and Elias pulled away from him soon enough. Arthor didn’t force him back into it, so he pulled his arms away from him and took a step back. He watched as Elias went back to his bed and it hurt Arthor terribly that he was the reason why Elias looked so hurt.

“I’ll leave you alone now.”

"Can we talk soon? When you're ready?"

Though Arthor had no intention to do that, he nodded, “of course.”

“Thank you.”

Again, Arthor nodded and then turned away from Elias. He figured that if he wouldn’t leave now, he would never do it. Arthor tried to think about how this was the right thing to do, though, and that made his legs start working again. He hoped his newfound courage wouldn’t leave him, but Arthor would make sure that it wouldn't by drinking too much wine. In the end, it would all be alright.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Attempts
Chapter CXXXV
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar ​

Many times Leanah had experienced the sorrowful news of a loved one's death. Mourning had become something familiar ever since her father passed. Then there was Timos. Her beloved brother, murdered at his wedding day and dying in the arms of their mother. A few months later it was Arthor. The memories were fresh in her mind from the day in Wheldrake when everyone was expecting his life to be taken away from him. All those sleepless nights by his bed, hoping and praying that he would survive, that he would be strong and fight death.

Then they had been happy and in love. They had shared so much. A lot of pain and anger, but mostly happiness and blissful memories that Leanah would never forget.

All that had been taken away from them as they weren’t meant to be. Leanah could never belong to a person like Arthor, and Arthor could never belong to her. Then their affair had given her a child, them a child. A child they could love, and Arthor could be its father in secrecy, behind closed doors. Their mistake had been forgiven, and they had moved on from their past life. But Leanah had always known she could never live without Arthor by her side. He was her protector. He was still the person who shielded her from horrors and saved her from an attacker.

Those news that had been said to her. Those harsh words etched into her mind, and Leanah thought that this was it. Now her life would be miserable. A life without Arthor. A life without the person who she loved so much and meant so much to her. That was a life she did not desire.

It had all been an attempt. Arthor’s attempt to take his own life. Arthor had been capable of hurting himself so badly, with only one intention in mind; death. That was evident. Leanah had thought that Arthor was gone, but the Maester had told her that he would survive. After a few words with the Maester, and Leanah knew that he had reeked of wine when they had found him. Gods, she wanted to thank the person who had found him. She did not want to imagine what would have happened if they hadn’t. Arthor would have perished.

Every part of Leanah wanted to lay down in her bed and cry her eyes out for the sadness she felt. How could she not have noticed Arthor’s struggles? Had there been a way for her to prevent this? Could she have helped him? Leanah could have asked herself a million questions, but she knew that she was not to blame for this.

All Leanah knew that she felt bad that Arthor had gone through that. She felt bad that he’d had those thoughts, wanting to end his own life. Gods, she couldn’t imagine what kind of pain he must have felt to do such a thing, but she had to be strong. Not only for herself and the child, but for Adian and Arthor too, though Arthor was very much unconscious. He had been for days as the Maester gave him enough milk of the poppy to keep him like that. Leanah thought he looked rather peaceful, but she knew that wasn’t true.

His mind must have been a mess for this to have happened.

Every night before Leanah went to her room, she would visit Arthor. She would press her lips against his forehead, stroke his hair out of his face and while whispering a quiet, “I love you.”

Then every day, Leanah would come to him for a few hours. She would sit next to him, hold his hand in hers while she told him everything that had happened that day. Sometimes she brought his hand down to her stomach, hoping that in his unconsciousness he would be able to feel their child kicking against his hand. She told him about the name, smiling to herself at the sound of Connas Hastwyck.

As soon as the Maester would disturb her, Leanah would leave, but today it was different. Once she arrived, the Maester had told her that he hadn’t given Arthor any milk of the poppy. The wounds had somewhat healed, and now he was expecting Arthor to wake up. With those news, Leanah had first told Adian that she wanted to wait for Arthor to wake up, as they had no way of knowing when that would be. At least he would know then if she would be gone for hours that she was with Arthor.

Like in Wheldrake, Leanah pulled a chair over to the bed, sitting down with her gaze on Arthor. Her knees pressed against the frame of the bed as she sat with Arthor’s hand in hers. She hummed quietly while pressing soft kisses against his fingers and down his hand. There was always a lump in her throat as she watched him. That slight feeling of him being taken away from her frightened her. It wouldn’t go away until she would see his eyes open. She only prayed that it would happen, because she couldn’t lose him.

Leanah kept humming, stroking her thumbs against his skin while she waited. A few tears would run down her cheeks every now and then. She worried about him, hoping he would survive whatever pain he had felt that had caused him to do this.

Then there was movement. Leanah stopped humming as she straightened herself up to get a better look of Arthor. Hearing him groan could have been enough for Leanah to begin crying. It was proof that Arthor was alive, though the Maester had told her that he would survive. Now she saw it with her own eyes that Arthor would live. It made her happy for a moment, but then the sadness washed over her, and she held onto his hand so tightly.

Leanah didn’t say anything as she watched him, waiting patiently for Arthor to be awake enough to speak. Perhaps he would need some water, but she was much too distracted to think about that now.

 

[desti]

It was a blur to Arthor what had happened. He knew he had done exactly what he had planned to do, but something must’ve gone wrong. There was too much wine involved, undoubtedly. Arthor had tried to drink a lot of it to make sure that he’d go through with it, but apparently that had come at the cost of him not being exactly good at what he was doing. He’d fucked it all up.

Though Arthor didn’t remember much of it, he remembered blood and pain and regret. He wasn’t sure if he regretted doing it or if he realised then and regretted that he wouldn’t die from his wounds. The first time Arthor had woken up and been conscious enough to realise that he’d failed, he felt absolutely miserable. Maybe he should’ve felt happy that he was alive, but he didn’t. He was pathetic.

The Maester didn’t let him stay awake for too long, though. His whole body ached and Arthor wanted to go back to sleep. Maybe he wouldn’t wake up. He did though, over and over again. Mostly he’d be alone, but sometimes the Maester would be there. Arthor almost thought that maybe he was dead after all and this was some sort of hell he was stuck in as a punishment from the Gods.

When Arthor’s eyes opened and he saw Leanah, he knew it couldn’t be any of the seven hells, though. His head was pounding and it was hard to be happy to see her. It felt like Arthor’s mouth was filled with cotton and he struggled to really move his head to look at her. All he did was sleep these days, being awake just felt strange. Arthor wasn’t sure if he was really prepared to deal with this right now.

There was a rush of shame then throughout him and Arthor looked away again. He felt stupid about what had happened, and angry that he had failed. Arthor had fucked up even this. It was so stupid and pathetic that he couldn’t even do that right. Everything hurt a lot more this time and Arthor wasn’t entirely sure why. Usually he’d only be conscious for a short time before falling asleep again, but it felt like that wouldn’t be the case this time.

"Do you want some water?"

Though his throat felt dry and Arthor could feel the disgusting aftertaste that milk of the poppy had left, he shook his head. Maybe he could just lay here and refuse everything. They couldn’t force him to recover, right? They had no right to keep him alive if he didn’t wish to be here. Couldn’t they see that it would be better if he was dead? Even Arthor realised that and he was about as dumb as someone could be.

"Is there anything you want me to get for you?"

Again, Arthor only shook his head slightly as a response. That made Leanah grow silent while her fingers stroked against his hand. It was meant to be comforting, probably, but Arthor only felt guilty that she would have to endure him still. He looked up at the ceiling while tears stinged at his eyes because of everything that had happened and that would happen.

The mattress dipped a little when Leanah sat down on the edge of the bed. Arthor felt absolutely lost at what he was supposed to do know. He was supposed to die and then it would be alright. That hadn’t been the case, though, and Arthor wasn’t sure what would happen now. Was he supposed to try again or pretend like this never happened? This was all so stupid…

Leanah moved his hand that she was holding to rest on her stomach. Usually that would’ve made Arthor feel happy, but now it did the opposite. It just made him think about how he would likely hurt the child somehow as well. He was such a fuck up and so pathetic that it would probably happen in some way, likely because Arthor would say the wrong thing at one point. Leanah shouldn’t trust him around it.

"I want you to know one thing, Arthor. I love you so much, more than I can begin to explain.”

At that, Arthor parted his lips to speak, but his mouth felt too weird to get any words out. He obviously hadn’t really spoken in a while, so he shouldn’t have been surprised at that. So for now Arthor still stayed quiet while he kept his eyes away from Leanah. Her words just made him feel more guilty about everything and Arthor didn’t know what to do anymore.

When Leanah got up from the bed, Arthor thought she might leave. He almost hoped that she would, but soon enough she came back with a cup in her hands. Arthor thought it was wine and he actually hated the thought of having any of it. After all, it had ruined everything he’d thought would happen. When Leanah put the cup against his lips, it turned out to be water, though, and Arthor wasn’t sure if anything had tasted as good as it did at that moment.

Arthor took a few swallows of it before turning his head a little. Leanah put the cup away and sat back down again, while Arthor still avoided looking at her. He felt miserable and exhausted, but the pain didn’t really bother him that much. Leanah reached out and touched his cheek with her fingers, while Arthor heard her whisper his name. Everything just felt wrong and all the anger, sadness and guilt her felt finally made the tears spill down his cheeks so Arthor moved his hands to wipe them away and rub his fingers against his eyelids.

The mattress moved again while Leanah shifted on the bed beside him. Arthor moved his hands away from her face and she cupped his cheeks then, turning his head a little so that he would have to look at her, “I know it must be hard for you right now." All Arthor could do then was nod, because he felt so pathetic and horrible about everything.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Arthor looked so lost. All the pain he carried showed in his eyes as their gaze met. Her heart sank to her stomach at the sight. For a moment she wished she had the ability to make everything better. Leanah wished she could hold Arthor in her arms for the rest of their lives, protect him from whatever troubles he faced. He mattered so much to her that she almost didn’t want to risk him being alone ever again. She could only imagine that the scars he had given himself would haunt him for the rest of his life. Gods, he didn’t deserve this.

No one deserved this kind of pain.

The silence that fell between them then didn’t bother Leanah. She could sit there for hours with him without saying a single word. All she wanted as to give Arthor her company unless he would express otherwise. When she pulled her hands away from his face, she reached for his hand to take in hers. She watched him closely while he rubbed his hand against his face. Her heart ached for him.

Sometimes she wondered if Arthor forgot about all the good things he had done in his life. Leanah knew that he had done some horrible things, but she had also done bad things. Everyone had done something in their lives that they likely regretted doing. That didn’t necessarily mean they were a bad person. The thing that made Arthor different from a bad person was his desire to change. Leanah had seen it in his eyes, heard his words as he wanted to be a better person. She had also seen the love in his eyes for their child.

A bad person wouldn’t do have that kind of love, that glint in their eyes. Leanah wasn’t naive for believing in him. If anything, everyone else was naive for thinking that Arthor couldn’t be a good person.

“I’m sorry,” Arthor said.

“There’s no need for that now.”

"Still."

“I forgive you. I forgive you for everything, Arthor. Not because I miss you, or because I’m a fool. I forgive you because I know you,” Leanah said as she tightened her grip around his hand.

"If anything, that's a reason not to forgive me,” he mumbled.

“I have seen that slight glint in your eyes, Arthor. That desire to be better and I might be the only person who believes in you, but that is my choice.”

Everyone in Santrella could call Leanah a fool for believing in Arthor. They could all call her the most vile things they knew, and she wouldn’t care anymore. She wouldn’t give up on him now. That would never happen. If people thought that she was dumb for that, then so be it. Leanah would be there for Arthor until the end of her days. Nothing could stop her from believing in him. Not even Arthor could stop her, even if he got rather quiet after her words. If she had to force him to understand that, she would.

“Do you feel like you don’t deserve it?”

When Arthor nodded at her question, Leanah sighed, “I know what that feels like. You’re not alone, Arthor.”

Perhaps Leanah should have let Arthor look away from her, but she went back to cup his face and force him to meet her gaze once he refused to look at her. He looked distraught, and she couldn’t stop stroking her thumbs over his cheeks as she moved to sit closer to him. The tears he had in his eyes and ran down his cheeks, Leanah wiped away. If her belly hadn’t been in the way, she would have leaned down to hug him.

All she did was keep stroking his cheeks while looking at him.

“I’m sorry,” Arthor said.

“What are you sorry for?”

"Everything."

“Do you feel guilty?”

Arthor nodded, and Leanah did know what that felt like. For some time she had felt incredibly guilty for everything that had happened. She thought she didn’t deserve Adian and believed that she deserved to be miserable. It wasn’t a good feeling to have, but now she had gotten over it. Now she realised that she did deserve Adian’s kindness, even if she had betrayed him.

“You’re not alone, Arthor. I know that feeling.”

When Arthor pouted, Leanah pulled her hands away and leaned over him to press her lips against his cheek. It was a short kiss before she straightened herself up and brought her hands back to his cheeks. This time when he looked away, she let him and only kept one of her hands against his cheek.

"I'm so stupid,” Arthor mumbled.

“You are. We’re all fools.”

Arthor shook his head, and Leanah decided not to say anything then. They were all fools. Everyone was dumb. It wasn’t like he was the only person in Aedighar who had done something stupid. They had all done something foolish that they likely regretted doing. He wasn’t alone, but she understood that he must have been struggling. Arthor began rubbing at his face again, and now Leanah pulled her other hand away as well as she kept them in her lap.

“We all do foolish things. Things we regret and shouldn’t have done. You’re not alone.”

 

[desti]

Seeing Leanah so upset and worried about him just gave Arthor another reason to feel guilty. All he wanted now was to be alone, because that was what he deserved. If he couldn’t die, then maybe he could just go to some quiet corner of the world and stay there. Arthor didn’t know how he was supposed to continue after this. It was all so stupid and the thought of his failure just made him feel pathetic.

While Arthor doubted that people would be told the truth about what happened, he thought that he’d still feel uncomfortable and think people knew how stupid he was. He’d probably feel like everyone would be staring at him and everyone would know what had happened that night. How was he supposed to move on from this? Gods, he should’ve just died and everything would be so much simpler and better.

What Leanah was saying to him made no sense. There was no one in Aedighar who was as big of a fool as he was. The thing he’d done in his life were horrible and he regretted all of it. After what had happened with Elias, Arthor was sure that there was no chance that he’d ever be as good as he wanted to be. He’d just fall back into his old habits, no matter how hard he tried.

“This is different,” Arthor mumbled, rubbing his hand against his jaw.

"I suppose, but that doesn't mean you're alone in this."

“I’m so fucked up.”

That was an understatement, and that made Arthor chuckle a little. It hurt a lot more than he’d expected and his hand immediately went to grip onto his side. His abdomen was wrapped in bandages and Arthor assumed that the wounds had been stitched. Maybe if he’d rip them open he’d bleed out this time. Not that it had worked before, but maybe Arthor would finally get lucky.

"But that doesn't mean you can't change."

“I can’t. I’m trying, but it’s not working.”

"I know how difficult it is. It feels like you're stuck, unable to change or be better, but trust me when I tell you that it isn't hopeless."

“You don’t know that.”

Really, Leanah didn’t know at all how hard it was. She could tell herself that she did, but she hadn’t done the things he had, nor did she understand what went on in his head. In Arthor’s case, it really did feel hopeless and he would be stuck forever. He wasn’t getting better and he doubted that he would ever do that.

"But it is what I choose to believe. I choose to not give up."

“Well, good for you then.”

"I wished death upon myself once, but it wasn't as hopeless as I made it seem to be."

“This is different,” Arthor repeated and stared at the window.

Their mistakes couldn’t compare. If anything, most if not all big mistakes Leanah had made were directly connected to him. Leanah didn’t deserve to feel like this, but Arthor did. He was everything that had gone wrong in Leanah’s life and she would’ve been so much happier had he just died in Wheldrake. Arthor had tried to fix things and finally rid everyone of him, but he had obviously failed miserably yet again.

"And it still doesn't mean that you're alone and hopeless."

“I know you’re just trying to help, I appreciate it, but that just isn’t true.”

Then Leanah grew quiet and shrugged a little. Arthor felt like shit that Leanah worried so much about him. He wished that she wouldn’t. At least Elias wasn’t here, maybe he didn’t worry as much. Arthor loved them both too much, but he didn’t deserve them. They deserved so much better than him.

“I’m sorry.”

At that Leanah just smiled and got up from the bed while she took his hand. Was she going to leave him now? Arthor didn’t want to be alone, because that cowardly part of him was back again and he was unsure what he might do. He wouldn’t force her to stay, though. If something would happen and Arthor would do something stupid again, then so be it.

"I'm not giving up on you, but if you need time alone, I'll give you that."

Then Arthor just stayed quiet while he kept his eyes away from Leanah. She should go and just be happy with Adian, if that was even possible with that bastard in her belly. When Leanah asked him if he wanted her to leave, Arthor should’ve told her that he did. Instead, he shrugged his shoulders. He was so very pathetic. Gods, and he called himself a knight. Then Leanah asked him if he wanted her to stay and again all Arthor could do was shrug.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Leanah could have stood there all day while trying to speak to Arthor about this, but it was like reaching out a hand for someone who refused to take it. For hours she could let her hand dangle in the air, but after a while, she would get tired. If Arthor wouldn’t meet her halfway and take her hand that she held out for him, then what could she do? Her heart ached to see Arthor broken and lost, but Leanah saw that her words brought him no comfort. Neither did her presence.

While standing there, Leanah considered everything.

All the love she had for him would never fade. Their child would soon be born, and Leanah had wanted Arthor to have a chance to be a father. It would be behind the safety of a closed door, but now she wondered if he was ready for that. The last thing she wanted was for her child to be a reminder to Arthor of what they had done. She wondered if the sight of her made him feel guilty considering how evident it was that she was carrying his child, their mistake. Leanah knew then that she had to leave.

If her presence was the reason behind Arthor’s silence and the guilt he had in his eyes, Leanah wanted to give him time. She didn’t trust him to be alone, but she would send the Maester in to watch him once she’d leave.

With her hands resting against her stomach she looked at Arthor. If he was struggling, then Leanah thought it would be for the better if he never saw the child, but perhaps the child would be his hope. It could be his one chance to be better, his way to find happiness. If Arthor wanted to get better, she would give him that chance, but if he didn’t want to reach out and take her hand, meet her halfway, Leanah would take it away from him.

“Our child will be born soon, but if you think this is all hopeless, the child will never know who you are,” Leanah sighed.

"Wouldn't that be for the best?"

“If that is what you think, then perhaps.”

Leanah would not force the presence of her child upon Arthor. If he thought it was for the best if the child didn’t know who he was, then she wouldn’t force Arthor to see the child. He pouted, but Leanah looked away from him as she took a step away from the bed. Then she heard his sobs and looked back at him. It pained her to see him cry, but she wasn’t sure what she could do. Leanah hadn’t given up on him, but she wanted to do what was best for him, and if he thought it was best if the child didn’t know him then that was his choice.

“What’s wrong?”

"Everything, obviously."

“How can I help you?”

"I don't know."

“Then I don’t know what to do,” Leanah sighed.

"That's alright."

At that, Leanah only nodded. Was it alright? Was there truly nothing she could do for Arthor to make it better? Suddenly she felt extremely guilty for not being able to help him. It made her upset because she wanted him to get better, even if that could take weeks or months. Perhaps he only needed some time, and Leanah could come back soon enough. She looked at him as he rubbed at his eyes, but she knew she couldn’t stay if he didn’t want her help or if she bothered him with her presence.

“I can come back later,” Leanah said.

Arthor nodded, and Leanah wasn’t sure when later would be. Would Arthor ever feel ready to talk or get help? She would wait for him, but she assumed she would end up waiting for a very long time considering how he wasn’t sure how she could help him. Gods, it was such a mess.

“I’m sorry I can’t help you. I won’t bother you with my presence, and if you think it’s for the better if the child doesn’t know who you are, then I won’t force you to see the child.”

“Leanah,” Arthor said.

“Don’t worry.”

"You're not bothering me."

“Okay.”

"I'm sorry. I don't want you to worry about me."

“I can’t control who I love, Arthor.”

"I'm so bad for you, though."

“If that is truly what you think, and if there’s no way for me to prove you otherwise, then I suppose you’re right.”

If Arthor thought he was bad for her, then Leanah couldn’t force them to be friends. She didn’t think that he was bad for her anymore. He had somewhat changed during the last few months, and she thought that this had to be some kind of relapse. Either way, she couldn’t control what Arthor felt. Since he grew silent, she turned around and walked towards the door before stopping right in front of it.

“I just want you to know that I don’t feel the same way as you do about yourself, but I won’t force you to be around me if you feel like you’re bad for me.”

There were no words from Arthor then, and Leanah sighed. She turned away from him, closing the small distance between her and the door before opening it. Without saying another word to Arthor, she left the room, closing the door behind her. Hopefully Arthor would find himself or figure out a way to get better.

 

[desti]

Regrets.
Chapter CXXXVI
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar
​

The only person Arthor saw constantly was the Maester. He was quickly growing tired of him. The Maester threatened to force milk of the poppy down his throat, so Arthor didn’t dare to do anything stupid. Being unconscious was nice, but at the same time it made Arthor feel more lost than ever. The daze he’d had before was fading away while Arthor calmed down from the events that had happened. He still felt too many emotions about everything, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been.

Since Elias and Leanah hadn’t visited him, Arthor figured that they’d left him. That was alright. It made him calm in some way. He hoped they were alright. Lady Carlys actually came to him at one point and they talked about too many things until Arthor grew too exhausted to continue their conversation. That was about the only interaction he’d had with anyone apart from the Maester over the last few days.

Over the days, his wounds healed more and more until Arthor told the Maester to kindly fuck off. He was fine, he felt fine. That is, until Arthor would turn the wrong way and it felt like his insides were being ripped apart. Lady Carlys assured him that nobody would know the real reason for his absence and that he wouldn’t be useful to her until he’d make a full recovery. That meant that Arthor was still very much stuck in his room most of the time.

There was a part of him that wanted to finish the job once and for all. Sometimes he felt like he could do it and there were moments of insanity that lasted just a few minutes where Arthor thought he was so very close to attempting something again. It would’ve been for the best, there was still a side of him that thought like that. For whatever reason, though, Arthor fought back. He was probably back to being selfish again.

Now that Arthor wasn’t stuck in bed, he tried to get out of it and walk around as much as possible. Maybe it was too soon to do that, because it still hurt when he moved too much or in the wrong way, but Arthor didn’t really care. He hated being so useless and Arthor wanted to get back to working. That was the only thing he was good at, after all. The one thing Arthor could do right, so he wanted to get back to it as soon as possible. Not only that, but laying around alone just made Arthor suffocate in his own thoughts and feelings.

It was another evening alone when Arthor heard the door open behind him. He turned around, expecting the Maester for a check up but instead it was Elias. There were tears on his face, but Arthor didn’t really get that good of a look at him, because Elias quickly crossed the room and hugged him tightly. It made Arthor grunt quietly from how pain shot through his body, but he tried to ignore it for now. All Arthor could think about now was how Elias was sobbing in his arms and that he wanted to take care of him.

When Elias pulled away a little, Arthor wanted to say something, but he didn’t get the chance. Elias cupped his face and kissed him, and Arthor couldn’t really help but kiss him back. He felt stupid and selfish, but Arthor didn’t want to pull away. It was a nice kiss and reminded Arthor just how much he loved Elias, though he deserved none of this. Elias probably just pitied him and that’s why he was here. Maybe he even felt guilty. Arthor hoped that wasn’t true.

After a while, Elias pulled away and they looked at each other. Arthor wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure what that could be. Should he apologise, like he had to Leanah? Arthor doubted that it would help much. He wasn’t sure what to do anymore and if there was anything he could do to make this better.

"I love you,” Elias mumbled.

For whatever reason, it hurt Arthor to hear him say that. Leanah loved him, Elias loved him, but they shouldn’t have done so. He didn’t deserve it from them, though he craved it. Arthor loved them both more than he could ever explain and he obviously was very bad at showing it to them. Or maybe he was lying to them and himself, because how could he hurt them so badly if he loved them so much?

Still, Arthor said it back to him after a moment, “I love you too.”

Then Elias leant forwards to kiss him again, stroking his hands into Arthor’s hair. He felt stupid and conflicted about everything again. Elias’ touch felt comforting and at the same time Arthor felt guilty that he wasn’t out of Elias’ life. He wasn’t strong enough to pull away from him, though, and he was too selfish to tell Elias to leave.

Soon, Elias broke away from the kiss again to look at him, "you're all that I want, Arthor."

“Elias…”

"I love you so fucking much."

Though Arthor felt like he wasn’t able to cry anymore, that turned out to be wrong and he let out a quiet sob while he hugged Elias again. He nuzzled his face against his neck and tightened his grip around him. Arthor wasn’t sure why he was crying, but he couldn’t stop. Elias was stroking his back and Arthor tried to calm himself down while he held him close. Elias was mumbling words to him that made Arthor pull away in an effort to control himself, while he raised his hands to his face to wipe his stupid tears away. He was a man, a fucking knight, he wasn’t supposed to sob like a little child about everything.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

The thought of what had happened disturbed Elias so much. Never had he felt guiltier about something. Had he forced Arthor to stay with him that night, none of this would have ever happened. For days Elias sat in his room, drowning himself in sorrow and guilt. There had been so much that he could have done had he not been stubborn about wanting Arthor to be independent. Gods, how could he have been such a fool? Elias should have kept Arthor safe in his arms until all his struggles would disappear.

Elias couldn’t stand the thought of what Arthor had gone through.

It had made Elias realise how much he loved Arthor. All of this made him certain that Arthor was the love of his life, the person he was meant to be with. Had it not been so wrong in the eyes of Gods and men, Elias would have liked to spend the rest of his life with Arthor. He wanted to be bound to him until eternity. They belonged together, and they would be together through everything. Elias needed Arthor more than he needed to breathe. No matter how pathetic that was, Elias couldn’t stand the thought of living without him.

Now with Arthor in his arms, Elias thought his heart might burst from how hard it raced in his chest. He heard his shallow, ragged breaths and he could barely breathe.

While Arthor desperately tried to wipe his own tears away, Elias watched him as his heart sank to his stomach. Never had his knees felt so weak before. It was as if he was desperately clutching onto Arthor, afraid that one wrong move might make him slip away. He could have been dead. Elias could have never seen him again, and he would never leave his side again. Not in a million years would he find it in himself to leave Arthor.

“You’re the love of my life, Arthor.”

Saying those words was like a huge relief to Elias. He wanted Arthor to know how much he meant to him. Arthor nodded while rubbing at his face, and Elias leaned forward to press his lips against his. So many emotions rushed through him when Arthor cupped his cheeks and kissed him back. They were meant to be together through thick and thin. Elias would do anything for Arthor, but for now, he wanted to love him. He couldn’t find it in himself to talk about what had happened. All he wanted was to kiss him until it would all feel a little better.

In the end, Elias pulled away from the kiss to meet Arthor’s gaze, but Arthor never met his gaze. He leaned forward to press their foreheads together, closing his eyes as he thought he could finally breathe again. They both had their eyes closed as they stood there and Elias ran his fingers through Arthor’s hair.

“Don’t leave me,” Elias whispered.

When there was no answer, Elias moved his hands to Arthor’s shoulders to grip onto him, “please.”

Then Arthor nodded, and Elias felt relieved at that. He never wanted Arthor to be taken away from him. Losing him would have been the death of him. Elias was certain of that. Because of how quiet it got, Elias pulled Arthor with him over to his bed. Only now did he think about his injuries, and he was rather careful when he guided them both to lay down onto the mattress.

No words were exchanged between them as Elias pulled Arthor into his arms. His hands stroked over his back so carefully while he pressed his lips against the top of his head. While his fingers kept moving along his back, Arthor nuzzled his face close to his neck. Now he hoped they would lay here for hours while forgetting about the world outside. They could think about themselves, be selfish and only spend time with each other.

Elias had a tight grip around Arthor while he nuzzled his face into his hair. With his eyes closed, he could have easily fallen asleep while trying to forget about everything that had happened. All he wanted was for Arthor to be okay. No more horrors or struggles.

“I’m sorry,” Arthor said.

“Don’t worry.”

The apologies had to stop. Elias didn’t want to hear another word from Arthor if it was going to be apologies. Could they not just put the past behind them and start over? He would have liked that. The silence that settled between them was rather comfortable then, since Elias preferred that over Arthor apologising. They laid there holding each other, and Elias stroked his hand up into Arthor’s hair.

For a while, they laid there, and Elias didn’t stop moving his fingers along Arthor’s body. He wanted to protect him, keep him safe and far away from whatever it was that was bothering him. That was likely his own mind, or so Elias assumed so it wouldn’t be that easy. Gods, he just wanted it all to be over. He wanted to try his fucking best until Arthor would stand on his own feet and be able to smile again. Would that be so hard?

Elias hoped it wouldn’t be difficult, but he knew it would be. Of course, it would. He would forget all about his own life for Arthor, though. If he had to spend his next few years by his side to make sure he was okay, Elias would do that, and there was nothing Arthor could do to stop him. His place was next to Arthor. This was where he belonged.

 

[desti]

If Elias told him not to leave him, how could he? Arthor just wanted Elias to be happy and if he had to be by his side to achieve that, then so be it. He didn’t trust himself, but maybe Elias did. Arthor just felt so hopeless right now and he wasn’t sure what to do. But if Elias wanted him to stay with him then Arthor couldn’t give up, right? He was afraid of fucking up again, that was the only thing holding him back.

While Arthor’s mind rushed with conflicting thoughts, he kept their bodies pressed close. Elias stayed quiet too while stroking his fingers against his body. It was comforting and Arthor wanted to feel better, but right now he didn’t think he was capable of that. He felt bad that Elias had to take care of him, but Arthor didn’t have it in him to tell him to stop or leave.

They laid there for a while like that. Arthor thought he would be able to fall asleep like this, but he wasn’t tired. Gods, he’d slept so much over these last few days. It seemed like that was the only thing he’d really done in a while. Arthor wanted to be with Elias, and apologise over and over again, though it didn’t seem like Elias wanted to hear that.

“I don’t want you to be upset,” Arthor mumbled after a while.

"I can't help it."

“Sorry.”

"I know."

Though Arthor wanted to ramble on and on about how horrible he was, he figured that Elias wouldn’t like hearing that. He was too kind and likely wouldn’t want to accept what Arthor had to say about himself. Leanah was the same, too. So instead of saying anything else, Arthor just stayed quiet and let silence set in between them again. Elias didn’t speak either and just held Arthor close.

“I love you,” Arthor mumbled and sighed.

“I love you, too.”

Arthor’s tongue was itching to tell Elias that he shouldn’t do that and that he didn’t deserve it, but he stayed quiet. There was no point in saying it, since Elias would just disagree and, in the worst case scenario, leave Arthor alone. He didn’t want that. Arthor craved his company right now, he had missed him and he selfishly wanted him. It was stupid, but he couldn’t help it.

There was a kiss pressed against his head while Elias stroked his fingers against his spine. Arthor hoped that Elias didn’t feel guilty about any of this. He knew that he had a tendency to feel guilty about things that weren’t his fault whatsoever, and Arthor really hoped that he wasn’t beating himself up because of this. It had been Arthor’s decision, Elias had no blame in this.

“I hope you don’t blame yourself for any of this.”

"Of course I do."

“Elias…”

“What?”

“Please don’t.”

It hurt Arthor to hear that, though he had expected it. That was the last thing that he wanted. Arthor had just wanted to make everything better, but right now he felt like he might’ve made things worse. He should’ve known better that Elias would blame himself, but he had been overwhelmed with the thoughts that everything would be better without him.

"I can't help it when the person I love tried to end his own life."

“I don’t want you to feel guilty. It not your fault, it’s mine.”

"I'm still going to be upset about it."

“I wish you wouldn’t be.”

"I will be upset until the day I see you happy, genuinely happy."

Because Arthor wasn’t sure if he’d ever go back to his normal self, he didn’t like hearing that at all. He wanted Elias to be happy, not miserable like him. Arthor felt like there was too much pressure on him to recover after all of this, and it wasn’t helping at all with how his thoughts were racing and fighting each other. He didn’t know what to do. Maybe Arthor should just pretend again and then everyone would be happy.

“That’s not good.”

"No, it isn't."

At that, Arthor just pouted a little and moved away from Elias to instead lay on his back with his hand resting on his stomach. He had to resist the urge to pull and tug at the bandages. It had almost become like a nervous tick that he found himself doing a bit too often. The Maester complained about it, of course he did.

“What?”

“I just want you to be happy.”

"And I want you to be happy."

While Elias deserved happiness, Arthor didn’t feel like it was the same for him. He sighed and rubbed his hand over his face while he tried to not say something stupid. Again, Arthor felt pressured to be happy for everyone else and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Gods, it really would be easier to pretend rather than have to hear all of this over and over again.

"I can never be happy knowing that you're miserable."

“Think about yourself, not me.”

"The day you start thinking about yourself and start taking care of yourself, I will do that as well."

“I want to take care of you and Leanah, and the child and everyone else, not me.”

"You have to take care of yourself first."

Because Arthor didn’t see how that would work, he just stayed quiet. What he had wanted was to be selfless, so he had done that one thing he thought would help everyone. Now Elias was telling him to take care of himself first and foremost, but to Arthor that sounded like a selfish thing to do. He wanted to avoid that at all costs after everything.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Honestly Elias didn’t want to talk about any of this right now. It frustrated him that no matter how hard he tried to make Arthor understand that he had to care for himself first he never got anywhere with it. Did Arthor not realise that in order to care about others he had to care about himself? Elias had tried for a long time to care about people around him whenever he felt like a horrible person, but it never worked. The only times he was able to care for others genuinely were when he also cared for himself.

Now Arthor was moving backwards with saying he only wanted to care about everyone else. He couldn’t neglect himself like that. Elias knew there was a balance, and he desperately wanted Arthor to find that balance in order to live a healthy life. Selfishness wasn’t healthy, and neither was selflessness.

“I don’t know how many times I need to tell you this, but there’s something you need to understand, Arthor. If you want to care for me and everyone else, you have to care for yourself too. If not, it is never going to work.”

When Arthor got quiet, Elias decided he wouldn’t let him be quiet now. If he had to force him to open his mouth to speak, he would do that. They had to talk about this as he feared that if they didn’t, Arthor would end up never getting better. Elias only wanted to see him happy. That couldn’t be that hard. It would take a lot of work, but Elias was willing to help Arthor until he would be able to stand on his own feet.

“I will not accept you being silent today, Arthor. We have to talk about this until you understand that there’s a balance between being selfish and selfless.”

"There's no balance. It's either one or the other."

“That’s where you’re wrong.”

"Am I?"

“Yes. There is a balance. Just because you haven’t found it yet, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”

"Doesn't seem like you've found it either."

That was true to some extent. Elias knew he struggled with being selfless. It happened a lot of the time, but that didn’t mean he didn’t take care of himself. For the past few days, he had been working on getting a little better before seeing Arthor. That had been selfish of him to do as he should have gone to Arthor as quickly as possible, but Elias had been thinking about himself. Didn’t that mean he had found the balance as he was now selfless to balance out his selfishness?

“I have, but perhaps you can’t see it,” Elias sighed.

"I don't."

“That’s because you don’t believe in it. You see someone, and they’re either selfish or selfless, but you need to understand that there is a balance.”

When Arthor got quiet, Elias accepted it as he turned around so his back faced Arthor. It made him upset, and he didn’t want to talk anymore. Now he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore. It was all so fucking conflicting, and couldn’t they just be quiet? Clearly they couldn’t talk to each other, so Elias didn’t even want to attempt that anymore. Not until Arthor had gotten a little better, if that would even happen.

Elias heard Arthor sigh, but he just closed his eyes as he laid there. Perhaps he should have left, but he didn’t want to. He loved Arthor so much. It pained him to see him like this.

“I’m sorry,” Arthor said.

“I don’t want to talk right now,” Elias mumbled.

"Alright,” Arthor mumbled.

It wouldn’t end well if they ended up talking, and Elias wanted to avoid that. Being quiet sounded a lot better, so he laid there, not opening his mouth to say anything. Would it ever get better? Elias began thinking that it would all end up not working no matter how hard he would try. It certainly seemed hopeless when Arthor refused to listen to him. He felt Arthor shifting on the bed while grunting quietly. Then there was a hand against his arm, but Elias didn’t react to it. He couldn’t. He just wanted this to fucking end.

All of this was making him so fucking upset. Elias wanted to be happy. He wanted them both to be happy.

Arthor pressed against his back and wrapped his arm around him, and Elias could only lay there and do nothing. How were they supposed to move on from this if they couldn’t even talk about it? It was so fucking hopeless, and Elias thought his body wouldn’t be able to handle it anymore.

When Arthor pressed his forehead against the back of his neck, Elias couldn’t help it anymore. Tears began running down his cheeks, and his breath hitched when he tried to calm down. All he could do was lay there sobbing as he thought about how miserable everything seemed to be. Arthor hugged him so tightly while stroking his chest. Elias heard him say his name, but he couldn’t respond as he brought his hand up to wipe his tears away. Gods, he fucking hated this.

 

[desti]

This wasn’t going great at all. It was only confirming Arthor’s thoughts that all he could ever do was hurt Elias in one way or another. Now he was crying in his arms and refusing to talk to him. Arthor hated this and he hated himself for putting Elias in this position. He deserved to be so happy, Elias deserved the world and yet Arthor was probably ruining his life one shitty decision after another.

“Elias, I’m sorry.”

At that, Elias nodded but it didn’t really seem like Arthor’s words him at all. He was so pathetic. Arthor should’ve died and then this wouldn’t have happened. He hated all of this and he hated how miserable life really was. This was pathetic. Elias deserved so much better than this.

“Do you want to go?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to go?”

“No.”

That made Arthor sigh, because he thought that leaving Elias alone would’ve been the best option. Obviously being around him was just making Elias miserable. If Arthor would just go, then Elias would probably calm down and get better.

"I just want us to be happy."

“You won’t be happy while I’m around.”

"Stop saying that."

“It’s true. Look at how miserable you are with me.”

"I'm miserable because you're miserable. I was happy with you when you were happy."

Sure, they’d had their happy moments together, but that didn’t matter to Arthor. All he could think about was how upset Elias was now. Their happiness seemed to be over, and Arthor couldn’t stop thinking about every mistake he had made that lead him to this point. Absolutely pathetic.

They both became quiet then. Arthor didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He hated this too much. Arthor wanted to love Elias and be loved by him, but he didn’t know how they could go back to what they’d shared. He felt completely useless by this point and too broken to repair. The last thing Arthor wanted was to burden Elias with the task of helping him get out of this mess.

“I don’t know what to do, Elias.”

"Try to believe me when I tell you that it isn't hopeless. Listen to me when I tell you that there is a balance."

“But it feels hopeless. I was doing good and then I fucked it all up again. That’s how it’s always going to be, I know it.”

"You'll never get anywhere with that mindset of yours."

This was just making him feel frustrated. It seemed like both Leanah and Elias thought that this was easy and that he just needed to be in the right state of mind. Arthor wanted to be better and he had made sure that he was in the right mindset whatever the fuck that was, and he still managed to mess it all up. He didn’t want to get angry at Elias, though, so he stayed quiet, tightening his grip around him slightly.

Then Elias grew quiet too and Arthor ended up pulling away from him. He felt like a burden and he craved loneliness again. Arthor rolled over to his back again and tried to ignore the stinging pain coming from his abdomen. Losing everything he’d once had hurt a lot more, anyways.

"Do you want me to leave?"
To that Arthor didn’t answer. He did, but he also wanted Elias by his side. It was conflicting. Each thought in his mind had an opposite and Arthor couldn’t figure out which he sided more with. Gods, he was so fucked up. When Elias asked a second time, Arthor still stayed quiet.

"If you won't answer me, then what is the point of me being here,” Elias mumbled while sitting up.

“I don’t know. I guess there isn’t one.”

"I asked you a simple question. Do you want me to leave?"

“No. But you probably should.”

That was selfless, right? Arthor wanted Elias to stay with him and be with him, but he knew that obviously wasn’t good for him. He was just making Elias miserable with his company, so what was the point of it? Arthor would probably end up making Elias sad for the whole evening and night. He didn’t want that.

“Why?”

“Because this is just making you miserable.”

"Well, I can't help it. I love you and seeing you like this doesn't make me happy,” Elias said and shrugged.

“I want you to be happy, Elias.”

"And I want you to be happy."

Then Arthor stayed quiet again, because he wasn’t sure what to say anymore. He felt so miserable and lost that he wasn’t even sure if he could ever be happy again. Arthor felt bad that Elias had to deal with this, and he hoped that maybe he’d get tired of him and just drop him. Elias deserved to live his life and not be tied down by Arthor and his bullshit.

“Just go and be happy somewhere else. You’ll figure something out.”

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Everything was slipping through his fingers. The life Elias had built for himself was crumbling beneath his feet. With every second that passed, he was growing further and further away from Arthor.

While walking into Arthor’s room with confidence and determination, Elias now felt stripped of all his initial emotions. They were replaced by hopelessness and frustration. He rose from the bed at Arthor’s words. It could all end now. They could be over. Elias could leave Santrella and never see Arthor again. Nothing was working between them anymore, and Elias couldn’t believe that it had all come to this, but then he realised something.

This was exactly what he wouldn’t let happen. Elias wouldn’t give up on Arthor, not now. The stubbornness to make Arthor understand had washed over him again, but he knew it wasn’t the right time. After everything that had happened, Elias should have laid on the bed while comforting Arthor. They shouldn’t be talking about such a sensitive topic now. Elias finally understood, and he turned around to look down at Arthor then.

“I’m never leaving you,” Elias said as he got back down on the bed to lay next to Arthor.

Now the silence wouldn’t bother Elias. If anything he would prefer them to be quiet together. Nothing good would come of their conversations right now. It would have to wait until the initial shock had worn off for them both. That seemed the most reasonable to him. Elias wrapped his arms carefully around Arthor, pulling him close to his body. A slight feeling of relief washed over him when Arthor buried his face against his neck. Elias stroked his fingers along his spine, closing his eyes as he let his body relax for once.

“I love you, Arthor. I’ll always love you,” Elias mumbled.

The words that came from Arthor were barely understandable for Elias because of how Arthor mumbled and rambled. What he did understand was that Arthor loved him as well, and that he was very sorry, and then Arthor hugged onto him tighter which made Elias hug him tightly back. They were meant to be together, through everything. Elias wouldn’t let this tear them apart.

While they laid there, Elias didn’t stop stroking his back, and he pressed his lips against the top of Arthor’s head, but then Arthor broke the rather peaceful silence.

"I'm sorry you have to deal with this.”

“Let’s not speak about this. Let’s focus on the present, not the past or the future. I know you’re sorry. I’m sorry too, but just forget about that for a minute.”

"But that's so hard."

“I know, but we can try.”

"I'm trying,” Arthor mumbled.

“Me too, but we have each other.”

It would be difficult. It wouldn’t be easy for either of them to get through this, especially for Arthor. They would have each other for support. Elias didn’t want to feel like it would be hopeless. It wouldn’t be if they tried hard enough. They could talk about this another day, though. There was no point in trying to speak about it now while Arthor was still vulnerable. Arthor nodded, and Elias tightened his grip around him before he began stroking his back again.

“I love you,” Arthor mumbled.

“I love you so much, Arthor.”

Now they could lay there for hours. Elias wouldn’t mind. All he knew was that he wouldn’t leave Arthor tonight, and he would probably stay with him for a few days if that would be okay with Arthor. They were both holding onto each other so tightly, and Elias was certain that he had made the right choice by staying.

Elias could have easily fallen asleep when Arthor began stroking his back. His touch was so comforting. It spread a warm feeling throughout his body. One day everything would be alright. They had to be patient, and Elias would try his best to be supportive of Arthor in the best way possible for him. At the same time, he would have to take care of himself as all of this had scarred him pretty badly. Gods, he had almost lost Arthor.

“If it’s okay I would like to stay with you for a few days,” Elias mumbled.

It seemed to be okay with Arthor since he nodded, but Elias knew that he would respect his decision if he were to change his mind about it. This would take time, and he didn’t want to force his presence upon Arthor. For now, though, they seemed to be alright. Elias nuzzled his face into Arthor’s hair then, closing his eyes as he tightened his grip around him again. Arthor gripped onto his shoulder, and Elias tangled their legs together. Gods, he loved Arthor so much. He was the love of his life.

Elias stayed quiet as he held onto Arthor, hoping that he would feel somewhat better soon and that his embrace was comforting to him. That was all he wanted right now, to comfort Arthor. Nothing else mattered. They would settle their different opinions another day when they were both ready for that.

 

[desti]

Healing.
Chapter CXXXVII
House Rhyne
May all be as one
Nilfgaard, Northern lands of Aedighar
​

After everything that had happened, life wasn’t easy and Brynden found it hard to get back to normalcy. It hadn’t been too long since it had happened, so maybe it was too soon to return back to how things used to be, but Brynden was hopeful that they would be fine one day. He hated to see Aryana suffer as much as she did. Brynden missed her and he hated how gloomy his days had become.

Maybe it was because Brynden was home or because the war was becoming a faint memory in his mind, but he was slowly coming around the idea that he deserved happiness. He wanted to be happy and he thought he deserved it after all the shit he had gone through. Brynden didn’t want to worry about the details or beat himself up about things he thought were his fault. There was no use to do things like that. It was all over now and the past was irrelevant.

So Brynden was rather desperate to make things alright again for Aryana and him. It still hurt him to think about what they had lost, and Aryana was struggling too. She cried so often, sometimes it seemed like she didn’t eat or sleep at all. Brynden was worried about her, of course he was. She was his wife after all and he wanted her to be alright. Though Brynden was trying to help her, it didn’t seem like his efforts brought anything. He wasn’t going to give up, though.

With spring arriving, Brynden had many things to deal with so he couldn’t be by Aryana’s side all the time. Though he would’ve liked it, he was a Lord after all and he had to take care of the whole North. He would’ve much rather been with Aryana this whole time, but it just wasn’t realistic. Brynden felt guilty about that, but he would always make sure that he’d at least be with her when she’d go to bed and wake up. It was the least he could do.

Whenever Brynden had a free moment, he would try to find her as well. It wasn’t often that he found himself with nothing to do, but it happened every once in a while. That was the case now as well, when Brynden went to their room in the late afternoon to try and find Aryana. The room was empty, and Brynden felt worried for whatever reason. Not knowing where Aryana was made him anxious.

When Brynden asked around, guards were quick to point him in the right direction. It didn’t take long for Brynden to see the familiar figure sitting alone on one of the benches in the courtyard. At least she was getting some fresh air, that was good. Brynden didn’t know if she would appreciate his company, but he wanted to try at least. If she’d want him to go, then he’d try and respect that.

“How long have you been sitting here?” Brynden asked to announce his presence so he wouldn’t startle her. He sat down next to her while keeping some distance between them. Aryana’s face had fallen a little, the glow the pregnancy had given her was long gone now. A lot of times she just looked so distant and far away, and it broke Brynden’s heart to see her like this.

"I'm not sure,” Aryana shrugged, looking over at him.

“Are you not cold?” Brynden asked and didn’t really wait for an answer before he unfastened his cloak and wrapped it around her shoulders. It was getting warmer, but Brynden worried about her health enough as it was. Aryana wasn’t taking great care of herself, and the last thing she needed right now was to get sick.

"A little."

Then Aryana moved to sit a little closer to him, and Brynden wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He fixed the cloak around her a little bit while he pulled her to lean against his side. Now that his cloak was off, Brynden could feel the chilly wind trying to sneak under his clothes and he was just surprised that Aryana hadn’t already went inside.

“Thank you,” Aryana mumbled.

Brynden didn’t reply to that, he just kissed the top of her head and held her close against his side. He couldn’t imagine what was so interesting here that could make her sit here for Gods know how long. Brynden figured that she wasn’t just here to watch people walk by, though, and he wouldn’t bother her with questions. Aryana stayed quiet as they sat there and watched people living their lives.

“You should go inside soon,” Brynden said after a while.

"Alone?"

“I’ll have to get back to work in a while. Sorry.”

"Oh.”

The way Aryana looked down made Brynden feel a lot shittier than he expected. He always felt bad whenever he had to leave her alone and now it felt even worse. There was nothing he could do about having to work, though. People relied on him and Brynden had duties. He was already taking off too much time to be with Aryana to care for her.

“I mean, you can come with me, but I doubt you’ll find it very interesting.”

"Don't worry. I'll be okay."

“I’m sorry that I have to leave you again.”

"I understand. It would be selfish if me to make you stay with me."

“If you ever want to come with me, though, that’s fine. It’d be boring, but at least you won’t be alone then.”

​

 

[scoorpiuuss]

All the days after the loss of her child har blurred into something that felt like an eternity. Most of the time, Aryana thought she was stuck or lost in a horrible nightmare that she couldn’t wake up from. Her life had become an endless and vicious cycle of grief and sorrow.

Never had Aryana felt more miserable. Too often she found herself lost in her thoughts with her fingers stroking against her stomach as if there was something there. In her sleep, she would dream of her child only for it to be taken away from her. It was always the same dream. Her child would be torn away from her embrace by a man she could not recognise, and she would wake up with tears clouding her gaze. It was always so vivid, so real that Aryana had developed a fear of closing her eyes, frightened that she would be met by that nightmare again.

While the sun was up, Aryana would mostly sit in their room with her thoughts to keep her company.

Brynden was her only solace. Though Aryana rarely spoke to him and often found herself neglecting him, he had become her beacon of hope. All those doubts she had about him once had disappeared, and he was the husband she had always wanted. She admired him, but not once did she tell him that. It had become so difficult to speak. Most of the time she thought her words made no sense, neither did her thoughts. Silence was easier than trying to make sense of her thoughts and attempting to speak to Brynden.

At times Aryana wanted to tell him how much he meant to her. She was so grateful for his endless comfort and support, the way he held her at night when she couldn’t sleep and how he stayed with her in the early mornings, but she never told him that either.

When he had found her that day out in the courtyard, Aryana thought to herself that she was lucky that she would spend the rest of her life with him. She was lucky that he had been there for her to lift her up from her miserable state of mind. It was difficult, but it was slowly getting easier. Aryana was starting to believe that it might not be as hopeless as she had thought it would be, and it was all because of Brynden. He was all she wanted, all she desired, and she hoped that she would get the courage to tell him that one day.

“I’m not sure I would be of good use in your meetings.”

"I'm sure you'd make them more tolerable."

Would meetings be fun? Aryana doubted they would be interesting, and she thought that the slight comfort of their bed would be preferable to a meeting, but she did want to be with Brynden. Though she often expressed otherwise, she did crave his company now more than ever, but she didn’t want to be selfish.

“I’d do it for you,” Aryana said as she raised her gaze to look at him.

Hearing Brynden chuckle almost made her smile, but she had found it nearly impossible to smile ever since the loss of her child. Gods, the thought of what had happened haunted her, and she thought it would haunt her for the rest of her life. All she could do was look at him, admiring how strong he had been through all of this and how caring he was towards her.

"Sounds nice."

“If you want me to, I can come with you today,” Aryana shrugged.

"You can. I'd like that,” he said as he stroked her hair with a smile resting on his lips.

“Okay,” she nodded.

It was time for Aryana to do something for Brynden. She felt bad that she had grown so distant, but she could barely take care of herself. That wasn’t hard to notice. The lack of sleep and food was clearly showing, but Aryana didn’t find it in herself to make sure she was staying healthy. Brynden pressed a kiss to her forehead which made the corners of her lips twitch a little, but she was almost certain that it looked nothing like a smile. At that, he cupped her cheek, and she couldn’t help but lean her head against his hand.

“How are you feeling?”

"Better now that I know I won't die of boredom later today."

“Good,” Aryana said as she raised her hand to hold onto his wrist.

Brynden stroked his thumb against her cheek, and his touch was rather comforting now. It was making her feel a little better about everything, but there was still that heavy sensation in her chest that made it painful to breathe. Often it made her whole body ache, but now it was just a slight ache. Aryana assumed it was because she had Brynden next to her now. Somehow he was able to make it easier for her.

Now Aryana got a little lost in his eyes. She couldn’t tear her gaze away from him. Brynden pressed a kiss against the tip of her nose before pulling her into a slight hug. Only then did Aryana look away from him as she closed her eyes and nuzzled her face against his neck. Couldn’t they stay here forever? For once she felt like it would all be alright. It would get rather cold, but she didn’t mind.

Because of how much she suddenly craved Brynden’s embrace, Aryana didn’t hesitate to move her legs over his lap so she could sit on his thigh with her arms wrapped around him and her face buried against him still.

 

[desti]

Now the thought of going back to work sounded a lot more bearable. Talking about crops and spring regrowth wasn’t exactly exciting, but at least Aryana being there would give Brynden some reason not to doze off. He was happy that Aryana wasn’t pushing him away or being distant. It seemed to him that Aryana was trying and that gave Brynden hope that they would be able to get through this eventually.

They deserved happiness. This was just another obstacle along the way that they had to get past. It wouldn’t be easy, of course not, but Brynden wanted to think that they could do it. He wanted Aryana to have a happy life and he was willing to do right about anything to achieve that. She deserved it and he wanted that for her.

When Aryana moved to sit on his thigh, it made Brynden chuckle a little, but he kept his arms around her and held her close against him. Her hands moved around her to tuck the cloak tighter around her body. Brynden thought she looked nice in it, though it was very much swallowing her whole. It looked adorable, though. He rested his chin against the top of her head while his hands stroked gently over her back.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Everything.”

Then Brynden just shrugged a little. It was his duty as her husband to take care of her and protect her, he didn’t think she needed to thank him for anything. Aryana pulled away from his neck and they looked at each other again. Brynden moved his hand to stroke her hair out of her face while never taking his gaze away from her. Aryana tried to smile at him then. It didn’t really seem genuine at all, but Brynden appreciated that she was at least trying, so he smiled back at her.

"I don't know what I would've done without you."

“Me neither.”

Aryana hugged him then and Brynden squeezed his arms around her. He felt so much towards her and that need to care for her and make everything better was so strong inside of him. Brynden didn’t know how to help her, though. He hoped that with his care and over time it would get easier for Aryana. He just wanted her to be happy one day.

"Do you want to go inside?"

“If you want.”

"I don't mind."

“Maybe we should go in. You’re cold,” Brynden mumbled, pressing his fingers against his cheek and feeling how cold they’d gotten. Again he thought about how she really couldn’t afford to get sick right now, so they had to be careful and going outside was the first wise thing they could do. Aryana didn’t fight against the idea and nodded while she stood up.

For a moment, Brynden stayed where she was and admired how lovely she looked before he got up as well. He didn’t hesitate to wrap his arm around her protectively again. Aryana leant against him and Brynden leant down to kiss her head again before he began leading her back inside the castle. They walked together and Brynden didn’t mind the silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable or anything, at least not to him.

Only when they got back inside did Brynden look at her to speak again, “do you want to go to our room?”

After everything that had happened, Brynden knew that staying in his old bedroom wasn’t a great idea. They moved their things to a different chamber to start fresh and Brynden hoped that was the right decision. Aryana still had nightmares, but maybe that would pass after a while. He missed his room, but even he didn’t exactly like the idea of staying in that room again.

"When is the meeting?"
“Well… it starts whenever I show up,” Brynden shrugged and chuckled a little.

"Is there a reason you want to go to our room then?"

“I guess not. Just seemed better than wandering around the hallways.”

"I don't mind."

So Brynden decided to go back to their room then. It was warm there, at least. Then if Aryana would change her mind about joining him at the meeting, she could just stay there. When Brynden closed the door behind them, Aryana’s hands moved to take the cloak off of her. He was quick to help her with it, before taking it and putting it away in the corner of the room. Aryana thanked him quietly and Brynden didn’t hesitate to be back by her side again.

“Enjoy your last moments of peace and quiet, if you still want to come with me later.”

“What if I won’t come with you now?”

“That’s alright. I’ll just have to get through it somehow,” Brynden shrugged.

"I'm coming with you."

“Thank you. If you get too bored you can go, though.”

"I want to be there for you. Keep you entertained."

It was hard for Brynden not to take her words in a questionable way. He chuckled a little and looked down, nodding a bit. Just her company would be enough, though, and he didn’t expect much else. Brynden was just being stupid and immature now, so he tried to not be an idiot.

"What?"

“No, nothing. Sounds good.”

“Good.”

“Thank you. You’ll make this a lot more bearable.”