If you had a DnD party of all halflings, would you call your team the 'Department of Gnomeland Security'?
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There are benefits to having a good vocabulary. I recently called a old engineering friend of mine, and I asked what he was working on these days. His response? "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, glass, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed, until upon further reflection, I realized that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
Wife, grabs pizza: Ow! That's hot!
Me: What did you expect? For it to be cold?
Wife: <glares at me>
Me: I'm sorry, but I have this rare medical condition called 'common sense'.
Corgi: Why are my legs so short?
God: That's just what legs look like.
Corgi: Ok, that's cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi: <glares at God>
God: Um, you weren't supposed to see that.
Child at bedtime: Daddy, I'm scared! There is a monster in the closet!
Me: Oh, don't be silly! There is no mon-OH DEAR GOD! ITS TEARING MY ARM OFF! HELP! Ha ha ha. Just kidding. He only eats children. Sleep well!
Who was the person that missed the opportunity to call astronomers 'skyentists'?
Just a bit of advice from a married man: Make sure you pick someone you know you'd be down to have sex with in the laundry room while the kids are watching Lion King and there is still ten minutes before the dinosaur nuggets come out of the oven.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision.
At the grocery store today, I saw a big letter 'X' for me to stand on. I've seen far too many Roadrunner cartoons to fall for that one. Nice try.
As it turns out, when you are asked which child is your favorite, you should probably answer with one of your own. I know this now.
If its true that you are what you eat, I need to munch on a skinny person.
Ladies, if your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.
I was arrested yesterday, and as the cop was cuffing me, he said, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."
I replied with, "Naked Gillian Anderson."
It didn't work.
I call bullshit on cleaning with alcohol. After the first bottle, I never get anything done.
If I order rabbit stew at a restaurant, am I allowed to say, "Waiter, there's a hare in my stew?" and not get in trouble from my wife?
I am thinking that I need a brain transplant.
Can anyone change my mind?
Police officer: Please sit down on that chair. We have some questions for you.
My lawyer: <whispers> Deny everything!
Me: That's not a chair!
HeLlO tHeRe FiNe PeRsOn
Right now, one of us is thinking about sex.
And just like that, now it's two.
Me, talking to a friend: I'm going to become a terrorist and kill 1,000 people and a monkey.
Friend: What? Why a monkey?
Me: I knew it! No one cares about the 1,000 people!
I'm starting to host meetings for people with OCD at my house. I don't have it; I'm just hoping that they do some cleaning while they are here.
I hope that this virus situation gets resolved before tick season, or we will be getting Corona with Lyme.
Why do fish swim in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! Ha!
What do you call a waffle on a California beach?
Sandy Eggo!
A lumberjack goes into a magic forest to get some wood. As he is about to swing his axe, the tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
He replies, "Yes, and you will dialogue!" -
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