Just a bit of advice from a married man: Make sure you pick someone you know you'd be down to have sex with in the laundry room while the kids are watching Lion King and there is still ten minutes before the dinosaur nuggets come out of the oven.
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Carrots may be good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision.
At the grocery store today, I saw a big letter 'X' for me to stand on. I've seen far too many Roadrunner cartoons to fall for that one. Nice try.
As it turns out, when you are asked which child is your favorite, you should probably answer with one of your own. I know this now.
If its true that you are what you eat, I need to munch on a skinny person.
Ladies, if your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.
I was arrested yesterday, and as the cop was cuffing me, he said, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."
I replied with, "Naked Gillian Anderson."
It didn't work.
I call bullshit on cleaning with alcohol. After the first bottle, I never get anything done.
If I order rabbit stew at a restaurant, am I allowed to say, "Waiter, there's a hare in my stew?" and not get in trouble from my wife?
I am thinking that I need a brain transplant.
Can anyone change my mind?
Police officer: Please sit down on that chair. We have some questions for you.
My lawyer: <whispers> Deny everything!
Me: That's not a chair!
HeLlO tHeRe FiNe PeRsOn
Right now, one of us is thinking about sex.
And just like that, now it's two.
Me, talking to a friend: I'm going to become a terrorist and kill 1,000 people and a monkey.
Friend: What? Why a monkey?
Me: I knew it! No one cares about the 1,000 people!
I'm starting to host meetings for people with OCD at my house. I don't have it; I'm just hoping that they do some cleaning while they are here.
I hope that this virus situation gets resolved before tick season, or we will be getting Corona with Lyme.
Why do fish swim in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! Ha!
What do you call a waffle on a California beach?
Sandy Eggo!
A lumberjack goes into a magic forest to get some wood. As he is about to swing his axe, the tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
He replies, "Yes, and you will dialogue!"
And here's one for you, bud!
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic. (Credit: BoredPanda.com)
=)
Aw, Sherwood! Your Profile Posts are my favorite! Whenever I want an uplift in mood, this is one of the places I go. Keep it up, bud! *hugs* =)
What does Batman like in his drinks?
Just ice.
Soylant Green may be made of people, but I hear it tastes different depending on the person.
Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
What if this quarantine is just the aliens trying to fatten us up before the harvest? -
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