There should be one day a year where people working retail can say whatever they want to a customer and not get in trouble.
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The recommended age of a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So you need to be 21 to drink but only 8 to summon the devil.
Question: If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you then have a Phillips Screwdriver?
Which one is my favorite essential oil? Are you talking about bacon grease?
I found a new study that people that take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits.
And people who take a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip, with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.
Does anyone else have that voice in their head that keeps screaming, "Slap the idiot! Slap the idiot!" No? Just me? Hmm. Odd.
I'd be a terrible superhero. I'd see the warning sign in the sky from home and be, "Really? I literally JUST sat down!"
I heard what you did for a Klondike Bar. Call me. I have a job for you.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I haven't seen any new pictures of Bigfoot lately . . . I hope he's ok.
My wife and I just had mad, passionate sex on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace. We were then promptly kicked out of that Cracker Barrel and told not to come back. Apparently they have a policy against this.
I bought two dogs named Rolex and Timex. They are my new watchdogs.
The easiest way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, "Tell me if you can hear this. . . " Then, climb in the trunk and start screaming.
The truth is, six of the seven dwarves are not Happy.
If I were told to describe myself in just one word, I would say: "Doesn't follow instructions."
I just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes as I walked through the kitchen. Obviously my dog is failing in his duties to keep the floor clean, and that is one of his big chores around here.
Married Sexting: I'm not wearing underwear because you never put the laundry in the dryer like I told you to a hundred times!
Ever get bored with the internet and grab your smartphone to see what is going on in the smaller internet?
Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a chicken. No matter how good you are, it will take a crap on the board and strut around like it won anyways.
Wouldn't it be funny to secretly hide a sex toy in someone else's yard sale and wait to see the reactions?
Did you know, before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do all of their drinking at home.
Saying, "Have a nice day" to someone sounds friendly, but saying "Try and enjoy the next twenty four hours" just sounds threatening.
When a stranger sits down next to you in public, stare straight ahead and quietly ask, "Did you bring the money?"
Just remember, you matter. Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light, then you energy.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until they begin to speak. -
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