Wouldn't it be funny to secretly hide a sex toy in someone else's yard sale and wait to see the reactions?
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Did you know, before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do all of their drinking at home.
Saying, "Have a nice day" to someone sounds friendly, but saying "Try and enjoy the next twenty four hours" just sounds threatening.
When a stranger sits down next to you in public, stare straight ahead and quietly ask, "Did you bring the money?"
Just remember, you matter. Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light, then you energy.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until they begin to speak.
The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an F. Stuff like this is why the aliens just fly right on past us.
People need to appreciate the amount of effort and self control it takes not to become a serial killer.
If you replace the 'W' in Where, What and When with the letter 'T', it answers the question.
Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? It really lifts their spirits! Ha!
What do you call a dog that is a magician? A Labracadabrador!
Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don't know what you're missing.
Pro Tip: Napping.
When you want to lie down when the kids are in the house, tell them to wake you up in half an hour so everyone will do some cleaning in and around the house. They will literally do EVERYTHING in their power to avoid waking you up.
A friend asked me what I had planned for next year. I told him I don't know; I don't have 20/20 vision.
Here is a joke for all the mind readers out there.....
I know, right?
6:30 is the best time on the clock, hands down.
Did you hear that the inventor of the throat lozenge has died? There will be no coffin at his funeral.
I never said that I was a Taxidermist. I only asked if I could stuff your beaver.
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants: Feefiphobia.
I'm currently reading a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is going to happen; I can feel it.
My wife asked me to pass her some lip balm. By mistake, I gave her superglue. She's still not talking to me.
Ever get the urge to eat something just because its there? Well, today I lost my job as a Gynecologist.
When I go to a restaurant and they as me if I want a table, I reply, "No thanks. I want to eat on the floor. Carpet for one, please."
I'm still kinda pissed that they never told us how to get to Sesame Street. Bastards, teasing kids like that.
I was struck by a bottle of Omega-3 pills today. Luckily the wounds were only super fish oil. -
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