Experiences Have you ever ghosted?

[Sibelle Grey]

For one thing a lot of people with low self esteem aren’t going to think Gee so and so is rude when they are ghosted. They’re going to assume they are fault because they’re naturally insecure and take problems on as causes by themselves.

Which is precisely why I don't ghost.

You consider it a courtesy issue because that’s your personal view

It’s not a universal thing.

. . . Is this a thread to share personal experiences and opinions or universal scientific fact? That is, indeed, my opinion. I'm not trying to "reach" people or impose my view on ghosting. This is a discussion.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Which is precisely why I don't ghost.

. . . Is this a thread to share personal experiences and opinions or universal scientific fact? That is, indeed, my opinion.

Lol the app cut off my post. I was just editing it to say that it was indeed you opinion and I was just offering a alternative take on things.

People tend to assume everyone had the same viewpoints and motivations as they do.

Which is where this whole

It’s so rude how dare they I would never

Pearl clutching comes from.

When in reality it’s only a matter of courtesy to YOU. Not necessarily to your partner

 

[Sibelle Grey]

Lol the app cut off my post. I was just editing it to say that it was indeed you opinion and O was just offering a alternative take on things.

People tend to assume everyone had the same viewpoints motivations as they do.

Which is where this whole

It’s so rude how dare they I would never

Pearl clutching comes from.

When in reality it’s only a matter of courtesy to YOU. Not necessarily to your partner

It is a matter of courtesy to my partners, actually. We've discussed it. And it isn't "pearl-clutching" to expect people to treat you the way they would like you to treat them.
But yes, I would never.

 

[rae2nerdy]

It is a matter of courtesy to my partners, actually. We've discussed it. And it isn't "pearl-clutching" to expect people to treat you the way they would like you to treat them.

Lol you are gong to fast.

I feel like I’m text messaging and your responding before the little dots have gone away.

My point is that you are assuming people are doing this to you out of spite.

Just because you discuss something doesn’t mean that magically the other person agrees or for that matter can tell you if they have to leave.

I mean again anxiety isn’t the same as being spiteful.

People act like well I told you to do X so you should do it because I said so.

Not everyone is that socially confident.

Not everyone is going to be comfortable telling you - hey I don’t think I’ll be able to tell you when I want to leave.

That takes confidence not just courtesy.

And I think that’s the point I am trying to get at.

Your obviously an assertive person. Your quick to respond. I barely have time to make a post before your clapping back.

That’s fine and I sure don’t mind. But I also am not one iota concerned if you like or agree with me. If you get nasty I’ll get nasty back. ( not saying you are I’m just making a point )

Your standing up for yourself easily and calmly.

Not everyone has the skills, experience, or personality to do the same.

Expecting them to is just going to make you frustrated.

Which is why I made the point at the beginning to look at the person your roleplaying with when planning your ghosting strategy

 

[rae2nerdy]

Not everyone is gong to respond to golden rule approach when it comes to ghosting.

It sure didn’t help me when I was new and my anxiety was higher.

It just made me more anxious and fearful because people where making demands of me I couldn’t meet.

Should I just not have roleplayed then and maybe have never gotten better?

Perhaps to you the answer is yes.

But in my experience the thigh that got me to stop ghosting ( rather than just gaining confidence over seven years of roleplaying )

Was when people implemented ghost windows and just let me know it wasn’t any big deal. They made it less of a scary standard to uphold and more of “ hey it happens “ kind of thing.

And guess what it worked.

I maybe didn’t stop ghosting right away. Anxiety and insecurities don’t disappear like magic.

But overtime I felt more and more comfortable saying hey this isn’t working or I'd like to change that.

I even started doing what you are and saying hey don’t ghost cuz it’s rude or let me know.

Didn’t work.

But when I mimicked the way of those who helped me it actually did.


Now that’s MY experience and certainly not everyones.

But since I was trying to explain how shy or insecure role players might opperate I thought I’d share

 

[Sibelle Grey]

My point is that you are assuming people are doing this to you out of spite.

Not in the least. Spite involves malice. Ghosting is, by definition, avoiding conflict for one's own comfort, so it's more being selfish than being spiteful.

I feel like I’m text messaging and your responding before the little dots have gone away.

The beauty of the laptop.

That’s fine and I sure don’t mind. But I also am not one iota concerned if you like or agree with me. If you get nasty I’ll get nasty back. ( not saying you are I’m just making a point )

Likewise.

Expecting them to is just going to make you frustrated.

At this point, I haven't taken up a new roleplay in months. Like I said, I roleplay long-term. I'm not saying anxiety isn't an obstacle to honesty in these situations. I'm saying it doesn't justify ghosting. And clearly you think it does, so let's agree to disagree.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Not in the least. Spite involves malice. Ghosting is, by definition, avoiding conflict for one's own comfort, so it's more being selfish than being spiteful.


The beauty of the laptop.


Likewise.

At this point, I haven't taken up a new roleplay in months. Like I said, I roleplay long-term. I'm not saying anxiety isn't an obstacle to honesty in these situations. I'm saying it doesn't justify ghosting. And clearly you think it does, so let's agree to disagree.

Lol on my phone so it is like damnit if I can’t make my fingers move fast enough.

But certainly we can agree to disagree I was just trying to share a differing perspective.

Sorry if it came across argumentative stupid app doesn’t let you edit and I can’t type very well on my phone

 

[Cat.Chrestomanci]

Are they new roleplayer? They might not know better. So just tell them hey it’s cool if you want to leave. Let me know if you can or if you don’t respond in XX days I’ll go ahead and close the roleplay.

If they’re anxious or insecure ditto the above.

If they happen to check back in just tell them hey I didnt hear from you so I moved on. If you want to continue we can do so later ( if you have limited time or only do 1x1 roleplay at a time )

I don’t care if you leave just let me know.
If you don’t respond in X day* then I will close the roleplay.

( *or whatever you want to make the cut off. If they don’t respond in a few hours or to a pm )

I've had people lash out at me for giving that sort of message ;_; They'll say, well I was going to reply to you eventually but now that you poked me I'm going to drop you grawr (obviously not with that phrasing, but that general feeling)

 

[rae2nerdy]

Are they new roleplayer? They might not know better. So just tell them hey it’s cool if you want to leave. Let me know if you can or if you don’t respond in XX days I’ll go ahead and close the roleplay.

If they’re anxious or insecure ditto the above.

If they happen to check back in just tell them hey I didnt hear from you so I moved on. If you want to continue we can do so later ( if you have limited time or only do 1x1 roleplay at a time )

I don’t care if you leave just let me know.
If you don’t respond in X day* then I will close the roleplay.

( *or whatever you want to make the cut off. If they don’t respond in a few hours or to a pm )

I've had people lash out at me for giving that sort of message ;_; They'll say, well I was going to reply to you eventually but now that you poked me I'm going to drop you grawr (obviously not with that phrasing, but that general feeling)

Which part exactly? As the ghost window specifically involves not saying anything.

You just tell them when the roleplay starts.

Hey I would like it if you tell me when you want to leave. But if you can’t know that if you don’t respond in X time I’ll close the roleplay.

So your not contacting them specifically about leaving that’s the whole point. You just let them know if they don’t respond in a specific time period you’ll move on.

Then if they do come back and want to roleplay just tell them the roleplay was closed but you can either restart it ( if you have time ) or do it later ( if your busy )


It’s not like they don’t respond and you make s post asking - hey are you gonna to reply ?

It’s literally you tell them at the start

If you stop replying for x time period I will assume you don’t want to do

 

[Cat.Chrestomanci]

It’s not like they don’t respond and you make a post asking - hey are you gonna to reply ?

Oh. Then I think I misunderstood. Sometimes I poke people reminding them of the timeframe because they seemed really interested in the RP and they lash out. >,<

 

[rae2nerdy]

Yeah I find ghost windows are a good work around for that. Some people can feel touchy about being “badgered” through pms. I tend to do that a lot. Not so much with reply requests just I have a cool idea I post it before I forget. And hour later another idea and so on and so forth

 

[QuirkyAngel]

Oh. Then I think I misunderstood. Sometimes I poke people reminding them of the timeframe because they seemed really interested in the RP and they lash out. >,<

Don't feel bad about about reaching out. Ghosters are in the wrong. Let that not stop you from poking if you're curious.

In your case, I think it's more a communication issue tho. Make it clear you aren't trying to rush them--just a friendly reminder--and you likely won't get that sort of response. If you clearly explain your reason for doing something, they have nothing to lash out at. Miscommunication is the main reason for arguments or one party getting upset.

 

[JessieSune]

I usually try to avoid it, although it sometimes happens to me. I think that life just gets in the way for folks sometimes. That said, I personally hold that if I don't like where something is going, I say something first and that way we can work together to see if what we have is salvageable. If not, we part amicably and call it good. After all, sometimes it just doesn't work out. I try to avoid bailing with no explanation, mostly because I'm worried that the other person will feel like something went wrong and be confused as to what.

 

[GreatSaiyaman31]

Can't say I've ever really ghosted if by ghosted we mean leaving without saying anything. Anytime that I am going to be away from the computer or internet for any amount of time I usually warn my partner in advance. Of course I've had the same partner for 99% of my time as an rp'er and she is a VERY understanding individual to say the least. I could give her the most vague story concept and by the end of the night we would have a full idea or at least enough of an idea to start an rp together and create our characters. We just were perfect partners for rp'ing basically. Anytime either of us would have an idea the other would help flesh it out. Sorry for getting off topic though.

As for ghosting can't say either of us ever did that but we have rather abruptly switched from one story to another because we would lose interest in the one we were currently working on. It happens a lot especially when we go a period of time without rp'ing and forget where we were and what the end game was supposed to be for the story line. So we'd either tweak it and revamp the story from scratch or just move on to a different one. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make in this is I think a lot of ghosting would be due to lack or loss of interest.

 

[salty_ moustachio]

I've had people lash out at me for giving that sort of message ;_; They'll say, well I was going to reply to you eventually but now that you poked me I'm going to drop you grawr (obviously not with that phrasing, but that general feeling)

Yes.

If it's longer than three days the roleplay is over in my eyes. I prodded someone once on here to reply after 2 or more weeks but when they responded right away and posted for me, I just didn't care anymore.

I mean, I was really invested in the characters but they must not have been if they took 2 weeks and forgot about replying. Especially when they're asking for new roleplays in the meantime.

It's a bummer but what can you do? You can't make someone care about a plot.

 

[rae2nerdy]

I've had people lash out at me for giving that sort of message ;_; They'll say, well I was going to reply to you eventually but now that you poked me I'm going to drop you grawr (obviously not with that phrasing, but that general feeling)

Yes.

If it's longer than three days the roleplay is over in my eyes. I prodded someone once on here to reply after 2 or more weeks but when they responded right away and posted for me, I just didn't care anymore.

I mean, I was really invested in the characters but they must not have been if they took 2 weeks and forgot about replying. Especially when they're asking for new roleplays in the meantime.

It's a bummer but what can you do? You can't make someone care about a plot.

In fairness some people do forget or do more than one roleplay at a time.

I’ve legitimately forgotten to post before. I get busy or I can’t think of what to do.

If your waiting I’d ask a little before two weeks. Don’t be pushy but just ask hey are you having trouble? Do you need me to change something?

 

[rae2nerdy]

I've had people lash out at me for giving that sort of message ;_; They'll say, well I was going to reply to you eventually but now that you poked me I'm going to drop you grawr (obviously not with that phrasing, but that general feeling)

Yes.

If it's longer than three days the roleplay is over in my eyes. I prodded someone once on here to reply after 2 or more weeks but when they responded right away and posted for me, I just didn't care anymore.

I mean, I was really invested in the characters but they must not have been if they took 2 weeks and forgot about replying. Especially when they're asking for new roleplays in the meantime.

It's a bummer but what can you do? You can't make someone care about a plot.

I have also had people forget on me as well. It’s no biggie sometimes life takes it out of you or like I said you can’t think what to post.

In that case communication is key.

Talk to the person. Ask them how their days are going. If they are looking for roleplays ask if maybe they want to add a new plot line or how the search is going.

Don’t just make assumptions.

As someone else mentioned miscommunication is a big problem with roleplays. People focus so much on the roleplay they forget to reach out OOC. If there is a problem or you have a concern just ask.

I mean if you want someone to speak up and be honest with YOU than you should do the same for them.

So you want open and honest communication than communicate open and honestly.

Some people might take it poorly but st least you’ll know that. No second guessing

 

[BackSet]

Yep. Mostly because I intended to do a post later and never got around to it because I couldn’t find a proper place to do it and then people stopped posting and I just ghosted.

Also: sometimes I do this when it’s clear that the people I’m doing it with really only want to play edgy anti-hero sues that always win and nobody finds their morally questionable actions morally questionable.

 

[Idea]

People tend to assume everyone had the same viewpoints and motivations as they do.

Not to start an argument or anything, but... I wouldn't quite say that's the case.

People tend to assume they are right. We need to simply to be able to live and think at all. If I don't think I'm right about about which direction the door is, I'm never gonna find the doorframe. And yes, we aknowledge the possibility we are wrong, but until given new information we believe we've already got the best answer given the information we have to go on.

This is called being a rational being. To try to optmize your choices, including those of your beliefs and opinions, even if you are ultimately mistaken due to some flaw of information.

Again, I don't mean to start any kind of fight here, but after reading that kind of comment again I needed to at least make this statement.

And now for my actual post for this thread...

 

[rae2nerdy]

I’m not sure other than semantics how that disputes what I said ? My point is people to assume their perspectives/opinions are universal. Functionally your saying the same thing just dressing it up in different words.

 

[Idea]

I have, in fact, ghosted before. With one exception, there is only one reason I recall for ghosting, however, and that is when I'm too busy doing other stuff that I either have convinced myself that I already replied or simply end up forgetting it exists. Sometimes, some wonderful partner with the patience of a Saint takes pity on me and comes back to poke me and remind me of what I've been missing, and I just feel at once excited they care that much about working with me just plain terrible over what I did to them.

I think I can vaguely recall a couple times when things just got so awkward between me and group that I ended up ghosting, though I can't remember who or in what circumstances so I'll leave it at that. That said, there WAS that one exception I mentioned. There was once this one dude I wanted a simple sparring match with and we talked settled on our characters, but then he threw such a barrage of bullsh*t at me I had to confront him about it. When I did he began showering me with pure nonsense taken from those pseudo-spiritual scam books and I just began to really loose my patience. He wouldn't even leave me alone. Later I found that other people were having similar problems with the guy, and so I ended up just blocking him for a little while so i could simply ignore him until that fever dream or what have you passed.

As you may be able to tell by that short rant, that was a really stressful experience. Not a whole lot of people manage to do things to me quite on that level.

 

[rae2nerdy]

I mean first off we’re talking about experiences so I’m not sure how right or wrong can come into it. Experiences are simply a matter of something you live or you don’t.

So I’m this case being right is just I have experienced X in Y manner. The assumption being because this is how I experience Y than that is the “right” or “universal” way to experience Y.

But if you experience Y differently than you will have a different idea of what is “right” or “universal” to me.

That is my main point.

 

[rae2nerdy]

( on app so can’t edit sadly so sorry in advance for typos and double posting )

 

[Idea]

I’m not sure other than semantics how that disputes what I said ? My point is people to assume their perspectives/opinions are universal. Functionally your saying the same thing just dressing it up in different words.

Well, the main difference would be that people don't expect the other person to have the same beliefs. Just by having beliefs I think I am right, but that doesn't mean I don't interact with you aknowledging the fact that you yourself have beliefs different from mine.

 

[Idea]

I mean first off we’re talking about experiences so I’m not sure how right or wrong can come into it. Experiences are simply a matter of something you live or you don’t.

So I’m this case being right is just I have experienced X in Y manner. The assumption being because this is how I experience Y than that is the “right” or “universal” way to experience Y.

But if you experience Y differently than you will have a different idea of what is “right” or “universal” to me.

That is my main point.

Yeah, I get that. I wasn't so much trying to contest your point, but moreso just that statement/premise in general. As I mentioned I don't want to start a fight, I just felt the need to express my discontent and reasons against that particular thought.

( on app so can’t edit sadly so sorry in advance for typos and double posting )

No worries, I don't care about those too much buddy