Experiences Have you ever ghosted?

[Cares]

I’m sure we’ve all done it at some point, and I’ll be the first to admit that I have also.
I’m just wondering if you’ve ever done it, and if so, why?
Was it a bad response? Bad plot?

I’m doing research. (:<

 

[rae2nerdy]

In no particular order and off the top of my head reasons I’ve ghosted include

I got busy in real life.
I didn’t get along with my partner
We didn’t have compatible roleplay styles
I got bored with the plot

There might have been more but it’s been awhile. Now the above are reasons for ghosting specifically.

If we’re including reasons I have left a roleplay while informing my partner that I’m no longer interested. Here are some of the reasons I’ve given

We are not compatible
We are arguing too much and I would rather leave on a civil note
I do not do ( whatever dealbreaker they’re asking for )
I’m too busy / mentally drained to keep up
I’m going on vacation
My computer crashed
I’m feeling unwell

Reasons I’ve had other people ghost
All of the above
Finals
Moving
Looking for a new job
Death in the family
Serious accident/illness

 

[Cares]

In no particular order and off the top of my head reasons I’ve ghosted include

I got busy in real life.
I didn’t get along with my partner
We didn’t have compatible roleplay styles
I got bored with the plot

There might have been more but it’s been awhile. Now the above are reasons for ghosting specifically.

If we’re including reasons I have left a roleplay while informing my partner that I’m no longer interested. Here are some of the reasons I’ve given

We are not compatible
We are arguing too much and I would rather leave on a civil note
I do not do ( whatever dealbreaker they’re asking for )
I’m too busy / mentally drained to keep up
I’m going on vacation
My computer crashed
I’m feeling unwell

Reasons I’ve had other people ghost
All of the above
Finals
Moving
Looking for a new job
Death in the family
Serious accident/illness

Thank you, this gives me much more insight.
My problem is, I’ve been RPing for a loooong time now, and it seems to be with this site. I’ve had my fair share of partners and we’ve gotten along pretty well, and while I know most of them have been busy and not able to get on, I’ve still gotten those odd few that I see are online constantly and just completely ignoring me.

That ticks me off.
Why not tell me if anything has gone wrong?
Why not tell me if you didn’t like my reply? I’m pretty open when it comes to those things, and it’s just really getting to me recently.
I hate getting ignored, especially when we’ve gotten along well and agreed with the plot. I don’t understand it. My want to RP has just gone downhill because of it.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Best advice I can give you?

Grab a QTIP

i.e. Quit Taking It Personally.

All it does is make yourself miserable.

Plus you have to understand people ghost for a lot of reasons most of which don’t necessarily have anything to do with you.

I mean my reasons do but I also outright tell people when they aren’t lining up so I’m not a good sample size.

I do know that anxiety plays a big role on this particular site and a desire to avoid conflict.
If your response is any indication it could be your inadvertently intimidating your partners into not wanting to let you know what is going on.

I’m not saying your being mean or anything but your tone might make them think you’ll be “mad” if they leave and if they are shyer or the kind who don’t like conflict than they aren’t going to let you know.

I find taking a honeyed approach helps.

Don’t just say - hey it’s no big deal if you wanna leave/change things just let me know.

Model that behavior. When they do leave don’t make a thread complaining about it. Just count it as a loss and move on.

Add into your searches a “ghost window”.
Basically if you don’t hear from your partner for XX days than just move on.

I’ve found this to be the best method of dealing with ghosting. Which happens all the time tbh and for a wide variety of reasons.

This way again you are modeling the behavior that hey it’s no biggie if you want to leave. You don’t even have to say anything if you don’t want. Just if you don’t reply for XX days I’ll move on and we’ll both still be good.

The less of a ordeal you make leaving. The more you treat it like no big deal the better off you’ll be.

Also I find giving people an out helps as well.

Ask them how they’re doing/ if they’re busy or real life is getting them down.

Especially if they are offline and you have alternate means of contact. Because in my experience offline means IRL gets involved.

And think how bad you’ll feel if your partner is severely ill and your just bombarding them about posting. You wouldn’t want to get ill and come back to someone acting as if your the worst person for leaving either.

I know it’s annoying to feel like your being ignored and there are several good threads to vent.

But at the end of the day it’s a big part of the gambol of roleplays. And the less personally you take it the easier it be to enjoy the peopls who do at least let you know when they’re leaving

 

[Cares]

Best advice I can give you?

Grab a QTIP

i.e. Quit Taking It Personally.

All it does is make yourself miserable.

Plus you have to understand people ghost for a lot of reasons most of which don’t necessarily have anything to do with you.

I mean my reasons do but I also outright tell people when they aren’t lining up so I’m not a good sample size.

I do know that anxiety plays a big role on this particular site and a desire to avoid conflict.
If your response is any indication it could be your inadvertently intimidating your partners into not wanting to let you know what is going on.

I’m not saying your being mean or anything but your tone might make them think you’ll be “mad” if they leave and if they are shyer or the kind who don’t like conflict than they aren’t going to let you know.

I find taking a honeyed approach helps.

Don’t just say - hey it’s no big deal if you wanna leave/change things just let me know.

Model that behavior. When they do leave don’t make a thread complaining about it. Just count it as a loss and move on.

Add into your searches a “ghost window”.
Basically if you don’t hear from your partner for XX days than just move on.

I’ve found this to be the best method of dealing with ghosting. Which happens all the time tbh and for a wide variety of reasons.

This way again you are modeling the behavior that hey it’s no biggie if you want to leave. You don’t even have to say anything if you don’t want. Just if you don’t reply for XX days I’ll move on and we’ll both still be good.

The less of a ordeal you make leaving. The more you treat it like no big deal the better off you’ll be.

Also I find giving people an out helps as well.

Ask them how they’re doing/ if they’re busy or real life is getting them down.

Especially if they are offline and you have alternate means of contact. Because in my experience offline means IRL gets involved.

And think how bad you’ll feel if your partner is severely ill and your just bombarding them about posting. You wouldn’t want to get ill and come back to someone acting as if your the worst person for leaving either.

I know it’s annoying to feel like your being ignored and there are several good threads to vent.

But at the end of the day it’s a big part of the gambol of roleplays. And the less personally you take it the easier it be to enjoy the peopls who do at least let you know when they’re leaving

That advice does help, but while I do say things on this thread, it’s nothing like what I am with RPing. I’m usually quite open with partners and not at all intimidating. I tell them that I understand if they’re busy, and that I know life can get in the way.
Usually I wait for them to return, but if not, then I just move on.

The reason I made this thread was just so I could get a better idea for ghosting; perhaps for reasons you’ve mentioned that I’ve not yet experienced. Thanks for the advice though, definitely helps.

 

[QuirkyAngel]

I've ghosted before,,,

It's when I don't want to drop a roleplay, but don't have the inspiration to continue. There's no particular reason other than the excitement simply dies for me. During that time, I wait for other players to make posts (i usually join groups) that'll hopefully inspire me to write again. It's like I'm clinging onto the possibility that I'll regain motivation. I'm more likely to this with rps I care about or players I don't want to hurt. It's the guilt that makes me ghost. In rps don't care about, or players I don't care about, I'll simply say I'm dropping and leave it at that.

Ghosting is easier because you don't have come up with a reason for leaving. I mean, for people who have good reasons, it's easy. However, for reasons like 'the plot is more boring than I thought it'd be' and 'her writing style throws me off' there's no nice way of putting it without causing conflict. Especially if other players don't seem to have any sort of problems with it.

The question stems down to, why aren't people honest?

Of course, there's always a possibility that they are in so many rps that they simply forgot about ur rp. Players in more than one rp tend to have favorites they prioritize though they might not admit it. I mean, saying 'i like this rp more than I like your rp' is sorta hurtful no matter how accepting and thickskinned the gm is. If you really want to hear what the ghoster has to say, then pester them. Pester them enough to make them say what's really on their mind.

 

[hologram]

I used to ghost every single RP I wasn't interested in any more, but I haven't been like that for at least a year and a half. I hated the thought of just letting my partner down especially when I often have a hard time actually properly explaining why I've lost interest in an RP. Sometimes it boils down to incompatibility in style or incompatibility with my partner but I've had incidents in the past where I've said as much and the person takes it personally like there's something wrong with them or their writing. So for a while I'd just disappear out of nowhere if I wasn't feeling 120% about it anymore because I just didn't want to navigate a potential minefield. Basically it all boiled down to social anxiety.

Thankfully for myself and others I'm way more assertive about this now and I'll at least give people a heads up that the RP has to end. I might not always explain why but I don't leave folks hanging anymore. I've had to navigate a couple tense situations of the sort that would have totally overwhelmed me before but I feel a lot better about actually being communicative with my partner now.

I'm someone who needs either full interest and inspiration or a partner I click with on multiple wavelengths in order to continue an RP. I can't write if I'm not fully excited for an RP and sometimes that excitement can be fickle as hell. This is a portion of why I don't do groups anymore because traditionally it's been difficult for me to stay interested in groups and I don't want to commit to a fun idea only to lose interest two weeks later.

 

[salty_ moustachio]

I've done it. I usually say something OOC first though. But if for any reason I haven't SORRY!

Sometimes I haven't heard anything for days or sometimes I don't like who the other player is shaping my character to be. Like making out that he's super gruff, hunky, masculine type when I've explained he isn't just to fulfill X personal fantasies of their own. Or sometimes my Mary Sue radar is beeping (usually because of the former complaint).

 

[The_Omega_Effect]

I thought this was referring to the type of ghosting you do in video games...

 

[Malkav]

If someone asks me to RP, I usually just say yes until the regret sets in. I keeping going because I feel bad and tell myself that they're having fun so it's a good thing until I'm just not having fun at all and I gotta Danny Phantom things.

 

[Cat.Chrestomanci]

I've never actively ghosted. If I ever did it to someone it is 100% because I opened the message and forgot to reply to it. I always tell my partners if we're incompatible or if I'm not enjoying the rp or if I just can't continue for some other reason. Judging by this thread I guess it's really uncommon to not ghost people?

 

[rae2nerdy]

No. I mean the thread is about ghosting so obviously the replies are about that specifically.

It happens but more among inexperience or why/anxious players.

The more assertive/experience players tend to not ghost

 

[rae2nerdy]

*shy/anxious people

 

[R.Storytale]

Been on both ends.

Ghosted only because (note for the different times)
- anxiety got in the way (back when I was a total noob)
- partner was...just bad. In both ooc and in character. I can't respond to literally one line. Especially when they want insta romance. And smuts.


Been ghosted...

Why? I don't know for the few times that I have been save for two instances.

My first group and real RP. I was a total noob and nervous to begin with. I guess my writing was so bad that one of the players told the other to drop me and keep going as a 1x1. Sucks but I do wish they could've told me from the start instead of letting me fail and continue to fail?

The other time, the person wanted dark themes. They had no limits. Or so they said... I'm guessing I went 'too dark' and sure enough what was once friendly ooc became nonexistent. I'm talking about me going online-sending a hello- suddenly they're offline. Or sending very short responses but avoiding any mention of the RP. Again, I wish they talked to me about it?

Not to say I'm entirely innocent but experiences like those steer me into 'ghosting'.

 

[salty_ moustachio]

If someone asks me to RP, I usually just say yes until the regret sets in. I keeping going because I feel bad and tell myself that they're having fun so it's a good thing until I'm just not having fun at all and I gotta Danny Phantom things.

You need some practice asserting yourself. Go on. Tell me 'no'.

 

[salty_ moustachio]

I'm guessing I went 'too dark'

I am super curious what 'too dark' entails. Embellish!

 

[R.Storytale]

I am super curious what 'too dark' entails. Embellish!

Spoiler

Well, they wanted themes that heavily emphasized attempted suicides involving our characters. My character's reason for attempting suicide os for having to live as a female outside of home and when he got home, his parents made him wear a tight rope around his neck constantly. Why? Because according to them, he had 'killed' his twin sister. How?You heard of twins strangling the other in the womb with umbilical cords right? Yeah, so he had 'live' as his late sister but 'die' at home. Hence the reason for his attempted suicide

 

[salty_ moustachio]

Spoiler

Well, they wanted themes that heavily emphasized attempted suicides involving our characters. My character's reason for attempting suicide os for having to live as a female outside of home and when he got home, his parents made him wear a tight rope around his neck constantly. Why? Because according to them, he had 'killed' his twin sister. How?You heard of twins strangling the other in the womb with umbilical cords right? Yeah, so he had 'live' as his late sister but 'die' at home. Hence the reason for his attempted suicide

That is indeed very dark. Haha.

 

[R.Storytale]

That is indeed very dark. Haha.

Yeah....^^;

 

[Damafaud]

All my attempts at 1x1 ended with me ghosting ^^'

I feel very awkward talking to just one person. A complete stranger to add to it. Same reason I never get into random stranger chat, I guess?

 

[Sibelle Grey]

I've ended roleplays, but I don't remember ever ghosting anyone. At some point, you should come back and be like: Hey, I'm not feeling this anymore, sorry. And block them even if you're that worried about them taking it badly and lashing out at you idk. It's important not to waste people's time by not having them think something is ongoing when you've effectively ended it in your own mind.

 

[rae2nerdy]

I've ended roleplays, but I don't remember ever ghosting anyone. At some point, you should come back and be like: Hey, I'm not feeling this anymore, sorry. And block them even if you're that worried about them taking it badly and lashing out at you idk. It's important not to waste people's time by not having them think something is ongoing when you've effectively ended it in your own mind.

Again not everyone is that assertive. Or for that matter knows that blocking is a thing.

I mean I think those who say

But you should do blah because it’s polite.

As if the problem is just a lack of manners.

When manners have never had anything to do with ghosting.

Because rude ass people are usually the kind of people you don’t want to interact with anyway.

I’ve never seen someone say well gee golly I wish this person who spent our entire conversation being argumentative / passive aggressive / rude / creepy / dissimissive / superior / etc hadn’t just disappeared and stopped harassing me.

No. It’s always well this person was nice and polite and then they left.

So it’s obviously not manners.

It’s as has been stated

Lack of experience, real life issues, anxiety, self esteem, boredom, or some other thing.

It’s never well I’m just going to be a rude person who leaves.

And by saying that your making folks feel bad and less likely to tell you anything.

Who wants to feel like they have to be shamed into doing something? Especially if they already have low self esteem or anxiety.

Lack of experience is really the only thing that might be helped by saying - yo I think your being rude when you leave.

But that’s not necessarily the only reason people ghost. So I think a good thing to look at when ghosted is what kind of person your dealing with.

Are they new roleplayer? They might not know better. So just tell them hey it’s cool if you want to leave. Let me know if you can or if you don’t respond in XX days I’ll go ahead and close the roleplay.

If they’re anxious or insecure ditto the above.

Honestly if ghosting bothers you than just move on. Like people act all the time like it’s the other persons fault when they wait around for a reply. No one is stopping you from moving on. If they don’t respond just move on and close the roleplay.

If they happen to check back in just tell them hey I didnt hear from you so I moved on. If you want to continue we can do so later ( if you have limited time or only do 1x1 roleplay at a time )

This is pretty much what groups do to keep things moving on and it works great in 1x1.

So yeah just say

I don’t care if you leave just let me know.
If you don’t respond in X day* then I will close the roleplay.

( *or whatever you want to make the cut off. If they don’t respond in a few hours or to a pm )

 

[Sibelle Grey]

Or for that matter knows that blocking is a thing.

Which is why I'm sharing the possibility in this thread.

And by saying that your making feel bad and less likely to tell you if anything.

Who wants to feel like they have to be shamed into doing something? Especially if they already have low self esteem or anxiety.

Again, not trying to "shame" anyone into doing anything. I'm answering the question that was asked and sharing my opinion. There are multiple reasons why people do it, and none of them make it 'okay' to just disappear when roleplay is collaborative unless their partners are fine with ghosting. That is, in fact, inconsiderate, and it isn't "shaming" of me to point that out. Not everyone who does actually break off a roleplay is a super-confident person who doesn't worry about how the other party might receive it and enjoys confrontation. Case in point, I've had to do it today, and every time I get a notification I worry it's that partner. But I'd rather be anxious about the way they would view me than have them waiting around for a reply that'll never come and thinking their style sucks because I'm online responding to everything and everyone but them.
I doubt my own writing and roleplaying often enough that I don't want someone else to feel that way if there was nothing wrong with them to begin with.

I'm coming from a place of "treat people the way you would want to be treated". Many people who ghost would not want to be ghosted. Because nobody wants to be ghosted. And some people who are too anxious to end a roleplay would be upset and wonder what was wrong enough with them, as a roleplayer, that this person felt the need to ditch them. We could all avoid making each other feel bad if we were just open about our wants or lack thereof, and I'm of the opinion that ghosting isn't okay.

I do mostly long-term 1x1s, so if one person clocks out, the roleplay is over. I only ever start roleplays I'm very, very interested in, and if there isn't an idea I've come across that seems interesting or something I, personally, want to roleplay and look for partners for, I'm not looking for another roleplay. And I frequently get busy (just came back from a four-month hiatus, actually), a couple of my partners frequently get busy irl, so I assume people are busy and will get back to me because that's usually how I do things. Tbh if myself or my partners considered a roleplay over with after a set time and didn't wait for each other (because we all expect each other to be courteous enough to be honest when something's not working), every last one of my roleplays would be dead, and we'd miss out on great stories. You give a heads-up, you disappear, you come back, we pick up, and it's smooth sailing. This is fine, because everyone knows what to expect from the planning stage. Communication is everything in 1x1s, which is why we should let people know the story we've begun to build together is never getting to the point we might have set. It isn't "shaming" for me to point out that openness and honesty should be key in an activity that consists of people literally communicating with words.

Does ghosting happen? Yes. Is it something I support as a way to end a roleplay? No. I'm not going to sit here and say: Yes, it's perfectly fine if you never let me know you're not into the roleplay and just never reply. Ghosting is inherently selfish. I'm not here for it.

I'm not attacking the character of the people who do ghost and saying they're awful people. I'm saying that being considerate and letting someone know I felt they at least deserved a clear "pass" from me (after what's usually a fair bit of planning and in many cases them creating a character specifically for this roleplay that now won't happen) is more important than avoiding having to tell someone I'm no longer interested in roleplaying with them. I look back on the people who have ghosted me, I think back to how annoying that was, and I try to extend to others the courtesy I would like to be shown.

Dropping roleplays is not a problem. You should always end roleplays you don't enjoy. Ignoring people without telling them why, to me, is not acceptable. I tell prospective partners this in the early stages of planning specifically because I feel this way and I'd rather not waste time and creativity on something they won't even tell me won't be happening. Literally: "Please just let me know if you're no longer interested, I will do the same." I don't want to roleplay with someone who would just disappear into the ether without so much as a: "Sibelle, I'm not feeling it anymore, thank you for your time."

 

[SirBlazeALot]

Again not everyone is that assertive. Or for that matter knows that blocking is a thing.

I mean I think those who say

But you should do blah because it’s polite.

As if the problem is just a lack of manners.

When manners have never had anything to do with ghosting.

Because rude ass people are usually the kind of people you don’t want to interact with anyway.

I’ve never seen someone say well gee golly I wish this person who spent our entire conversation being argumentative / passive aggressive / rude / creepy / dissimissive / superior / etc hadn’t just disappeared and stopped harassing me.

No. It’s always well this person was nice and polite and then they left.

So it’s obviously not manners.

It’s as has been stated

Lack of experience, real life issues, anxiety, self esteem, boredom, or some other thing.

It’s never well I’m just going to be a rude person who leaves.

And by saying that your making folks feel bad and less likely to tell you anything.

Who wants to feel like they have to be shamed into doing something? Especially if they already have low self esteem or anxiety.

Whether they're nice and polite or dickish doesn't matter. The action of ghosting is a rude action regardless of the reasons you did it for. If you're a shy person and you step on someone's foot and you're too shy to say sorry, it doesn't make the foot hurt any less and the person's definitely gonna think you're an asshole if you dip without saying anything. It's not about shaming, it's the reality of the matter. Like, if I'm not shy and I don't have anxiety or low self esteem and I ghost someone, is it suddenly rude now? I understand being sympathetic toward shier people or people with anxiety and whatnot, but I don't think those elements of their personality should excuse them from having to consider other people's feelings and I certainly don't think that everyone else should give them free passes to be inconsiderate.

 

[rae2nerdy]

And again your making the assumption that everyone sees it from your POV.

Like it’s not a matter of courtesy to a lot of people.

So saying hey i think it’s common courtesy to do Xx isn’t going to reach as many people as you think.

For one thing a lot of people with low self esteem aren’t going to think Gee so and so is rude when they are ghosted. They’re going to assume they are fault because they’re naturally insecure and take problems on as causes by themselves.

People who don’t know better will just assume that’s how you do things

People who don’t care at all will just shrug and move on.

You consider it a courtesy issue because that’s your personal view

It’s not a universal thing.

People tend to assume their own reasons/experiences are universal.

So yeah you might not ghost because you don’t like it when people do it to you.

But not everyone