Viewpoint Ghosters, why do you do it?

[Nostalchiq]

Here are some of the reasons I hate ghosting:

- It's cowardly
- It's thoughtless, rude and selfish
- It's a waste of my time
- It's immature
- It's lazy

All of this does not apply for those who are just in it for casual writing, as I imagine that the option to split anytime you want is probably part of the appeal. But other than that, why do people ghost? Why have you ghosted? What are some ways I can prevent it from happening to me in the future? I've made it clear in the beginning that I would much rather be informed when someone wants to drop the RP rather than have them just disappear into the ether after we spent days coming up with a plot, discussing OCs and getting to know one another. It's exhausting and a big blow to my motivation to even keep doing this in the first place.

Rant over. But seriously, why?

 

[Tartaglia]

I've ghosted because of fear. The anxiety of having backlash after I would want to drop the roleplay makes me choose the cowardly option of just ghosting. For some, I've heard of the same reason as well and I honestly don't take it personally if someone ghosts me. Perhaps it's because I've done it in the past as well but it's also because I can understand why they do it. I would think that maybe they're afraid to tell me they're not enjoying the roleplay or maybe they weren't able to swing with my writing. I don't know, for me I don't take ghosting as too big of a deal. Sure it'd probably suck if I enjoy the plot line but hey, people can't prioritize roleplaying over their personal life. Some I know have really bad anxiety which makes it all the more difficult for them to tell their partner that they want to stop. So that's one factor I also consider whenever someone ghosts me.

With that said, I am very ghost friendly but I also understand why people get mad over ghosting. I just don't think it's something to be bummed about to make you completely lose motivation in writing or roleplaying because I know if you really love it, you'll find a way to get back into it one way or another. Maybe you can take a break if you're feeling exhausted and then come back! Searches are always open and who knows, maybe one day you'll finally find that vocal partner who'll tell you if things aren't going the way they like.

Ooff this is my first time in a long while to express my opinion and it's probably all over the place, oh well ^^" That's just for me!

 

[defenderofberk]

There are a few reasons why I ghost:

• The person has become rude and unfriendly and I feel like they'll probably give me a load of abuse for calling it off.
• They don't seem remotely engaged so it doesn't feel like it matters whether I'm there or not.
• I simply forget to reply, or when I come back to reply I realise it's been far longer than I thought it was so I figure they've probably lost interest by now.
• We don't have remotely the same interests/ or they keep ignoring my suggestions (for example, I put on my interest check that I don't play trans characters and someone messaged me wanting to do a role play about their character transitioning, because 'it wouldn't be my character so what's the problem'.
• They've given me nothing to reply to (seriously how do you reply to 'lol'?)
• They give me uncomfortable vibes - this one doesn't happen often but if anyone messages me wanting me to play yaoi between two young teens and their profile says they're over about 22, I don't often respond and if I do it's to say I'm not interested.
• Some people guilt trip you/pressure you into playing with them, like "no one wants to play with me" and "maybe I'm just not good enough".
• If I reply it'll just start an argument so sometimes it's better to just leave it be

So that's most of the reasons, admittedly it can be pretty selfish to ghost but I don't get too mad about it, I might drop them a message after a few days to see if they're still interested (and alive considering this virus).

 

[rae2nerdy]

So in the past I have had people leave for an assortment of real life issues. There was extended hospitalization, death in the family, loss of job, loss of internet, school work, and various illnesses.

I also regularly have people just stop responding for who knows what reason. Sometimes they forget, sometimes they don’t want to do the roleplay but don’t want to tell me, and sometimes I legit never know why they left.

I find a good way to handle this is to set up post windows. If you don’t reply to a pm within Three days it goes into Archives. After two weeks it is deleted.

 

[Tove]

Ghosting does suck, it just doesn't bother me in the way it seems to bother others. It has happened to me and I have done it myself, but the point is it happens in the roleplay community and it is likely to never stop. You have to take the good with the bad. I used to only see one side of ghosting, the side of having it done to me though as I grew older I understood not everything is one sided. There are reasons why people ghost.

First and foremost, no one owes anyone anything. This can be a fun hobby, whatever you choose to call it, between people. It is nice to be given a heads up if interest has declined in the roleplay however, looking at it like it's a job where a person has to call in when their sick, no. Face it, no one owes anyone anything especially now considering everything going on in the world. People will drop unexpectedly. If that is enough to kill your motivation piece by piece, what are you writing for? If the actions of others of others affect you so deeply you question whether you still want to do something I'm certain you love?

I have ghosted for my own reasons. If someone contacts me about something on my request thread where I am trying to plan with them and they give me no indication they even want to write, I'm out. Why am I wasting my time on that? Or passive aggressive solely aggressive behavior where I can't post every hour on the hour my inbox is blown sky high with messages or the person wants to use their status update to cry about "My partner hasn't replied back to me in thirty minutes. They abandoned me."

I have also had life come up at me but with that, I give word unless I am physically unable to get online which has happened on a rare occasion.

 

[peritwinkle]

Sometimes you just lose interest in something. Maybe it isn't always the other person's fault, so as to not hurt their feelings you just gradually get more quiet. So instead of popping in after two months of no replies to say you're dropping out, you just dip. It losing a rp doesn't hurt as much if you gradually start thinking about it less before it's cut short.

On very few occasions I've ghosted because I felt like my partner wasn't engaging in our brainstorming enough and offered little to no ideas.

I cannot defend sudden ghosting though (given the ghoster is still active somewhere else on the site).

 

[Nostalchiq]

I've ghosted because of fear. The anxiety of having backlash after I would want to drop the roleplay makes me choose the cowardly option of just ghosting. For some, I've heard of the same reason as well and I honestly don't take it personally if someone ghosts me. Perhaps it's because I've done it in the past as well but it's also because I can understand why they do it. I would think that maybe they're afraid to tell me they're not enjoying the roleplay or maybe they weren't able to swing with my writing. I don't know, for me I don't take ghosting as too big of a deal. Sure it'd probably suck if I enjoy the plot line but hey, people can't prioritize roleplaying over their personal life. Some I know have really bad anxiety which makes it all the more difficult for them to tell their partner that they want to stop. So that's one factor I also consider whenever someone ghosts me.

With that said, I am very ghost friendly but I also understand why people get mad over ghosting. I just don't think it's something to be bummed about to make you completely lose motivation in writing or roleplaying because I know if you really love it, you'll find a way to get back into it one way or another. Maybe you can take a break if you're feeling exhausted and then come back! Searches are always open and who knows, maybe one day you'll finally find that vocal partner who'll tell you if things aren't going the way they like.

Ooff this is my first time in a long while to express my opinion and it's probably all over the place, oh well ^^" That's just for me!

I appreciate you taking the time to respond, but this reasoning falls under "it's cowardly" in my opinion. I guess I can understand you dropping the RP without discussing it first if the person seems volatile or unwilling to listen to reason, however. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it helps.

 

[Nostalchiq]

There are a few reasons why I ghost:

• The person has become rude and unfriendly and I feel like they'll probably give me a load of abuse for calling it off.
• They don't seem remotely engaged so it doesn't feel like it matters whether I'm there or not.
• I simply forget to reply, or when I come back to reply I realise it's been far longer than I thought it was so I figure they've probably lost interest by now.
• We don't have remotely the same interests/ or they keep ignoring my suggestions (for example, I put on my interest check that I don't play trans characters and someone messaged me wanting to do a role play about their character transitioning, because 'it wouldn't be my character so what's the problem'.
• They've given me nothing to reply to (seriously how do you reply to 'lol'?)
• They give me uncomfortable vibes - this one doesn't happen often but if anyone messages me wanting me to play yaoi between two young teens and their profile says they're over about 22, I don't often respond and if I do it's to say I'm not interested.
• Some people guilt trip you/pressure you into playing with them, like "no one wants to play with me" and "maybe I'm just not good enough".
• If I reply it'll just start an argument so sometimes it's better to just leave it be

So that's most of the reasons, admittedly it can be pretty selfish to ghost but I don't get too mad about it, I might drop them a message after a few days to see if they're still interested (and alive considering this virus).

Most of these are reasonable excuses, I will admit that much. Forgetting to reply and disappearing out of guilt or embarrassment I think might be the exception, however. If someone seems as though they'll lash out if someone tries to drop the RP they are a toxic person in general and I can see why someone might want to not deal with that. Thanks.

 

[Nostalchiq]

So in the past I have had people leave for an assortment of real life issues. There was extended hospitalization, death in the family, loss of job, loss of internet, school work, and various illnesses.

I also regularly have people just stop responding for who knows what reason. Sometimes they forget, sometimes they don’t want to do the roleplay but don’t want to tell me, and sometimes I legit never know why they left.

I find a good way to handle this is to set up post windows. If you don’t reply to a pm within Three days it goes into Archives. After two weeks it is deleted.

Sorry to hear that. Yeah, I understand that life gets in the way. I wouldn't mind at least one message letting me know if they have a spare moment and the ability to write it up, however. Most reasonable people would be satisfied with a brief note letting them know why they're through with the RP, especially if a lot of work was put into it.

 

[Nostalchiq]

Ghosting does suck, it just doesn't bother me in the way it seems to bother others. It has happened to me and I have done it myself, but the point is it happens in the roleplay community and it is likely to never stop. You have to take the good with the bad. I used to only see one side of ghosting, the side of having it done to me though as I grew older I understood not everything is one sided. There are reasons why people ghost.

First and foremost, no one owes anyone anything. This can be a fun hobby, whatever you choose to call it, between people. It is nice to be given a heads up if interest has declined in the roleplay however, looking at it like it's a job where a person has to call in when their sick, no. Face it, no one owes anyone anything especially now considering everything going on in the world. People will drop unexpectedly. If that is enough to kill your motivation piece by piece, what are you writing for? If the actions of others of others affect you so deeply you question whether you still want to do something I'm certain you love?

I have ghosted for my own reasons. If someone contacts me about something on my request thread where I am trying to plan with them and they give me no indication they even want to write, I'm out. Why am I wasting my time on that? Or passive aggressive solely aggressive behavior where I can't post every hour on the hour my inbox is blown sky high with messages or the person wants to use their status update to cry about "My partner hasn't replied back to me in thirty minutes. They abandoned me."

I have also had life come up at me but with that, I give word unless I am physically unable to get online which has happened on a rare occasion.

Thanks for your reply and for sharing your opinion. You're right, it shouldn't feel like a job, and if it starts to feel that way I would want my partner to let me know immediately so that we can end the RP or discuss ways to make it more enjoyable for them. I don't know about others, but when I begin a new story I spend a lot of time discussing plans and expectations with a new partner, including what post frequency can be expected, general schedules so we know when to expect one another and how we both feel about communication. The subject of ghosting is inevitably brought up and the people who have done it to me always claim to be just as turned off by it as I am, and yet they seem to have no problem doing it themselves. Luckily it hasn't happened a ton of times but the times it has happened I'm always left feeling hurt and confused as they swore up and down that that wasn't how they handled things. I put a lot of time and energy into new partners because I only want to keep two long term partners at one time, so I do take it personally when I cultivate what I feel is a friendship and lasting RP with the person and they feel like it's okay to disappear without a trace. If I wrote more casually or jumped around a bunch I probably wouldn't mind as much.

As others have mentioned already, the only excusable reason (in my opinion) that I've seen is that they feel the other person would react in an unpleasant manner. I can understand that as no one likes confrontation, but the easy way out is rarely the right way and can leave someone who thought things were going well feeling hurt and rejected. It's very selfish. I don't know, maybe I just need to stop investing so much in people.

 

[Nostalchiq]

Sometimes you just lose interest in something. Maybe it isn't always the other person's fault, so as to not hurt their feelings you just gradually get more quiet. So instead of popping in after two months of no replies to say you're dropping out, you just dip. It losing a rp doesn't hurt as much if you gradually start thinking about it less before it's cut short.

On very few occasions I've ghosted because I felt like my partner wasn't engaging in our brainstorming enough and offered little to no ideas.

I cannot defend sudden ghosting though (given the ghoster is still active somewhere else on the site).

I understand losing interest or feeling that the person isn't engaged in brainstorming enough to justify keeping it going, but I do think communication is better than just cutting them off like a skin tag.

Beautiful art, btw. I saw your stuff earlier when I was browsing the gallery threads.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Sorry to hear that. Yeah, I understand that life gets in the way. I wouldn't mind at least one message letting me know if they have a spare moment and the ability to write it up, however. Most reasonable people would be satisfied with a brief note letting them know why they're through with the RP, especially if a lot of work was put into it.

I mean most of those instances I found out weeks to months later. And in my mind that is fine. Because this does not in any way take priority over your real life mental health. I don't give a shit if we are writing the next great american novel together. I'm not so arrogant that I think a story on a hobby site is more important than you handling your real life issues in a safe and healthy way.

It just seems so tone deaf and kind of self-absorbed to be miffed that someone doesn't take the time out in a crisis to inform some stranger they can't continue writing a non-published work of fiction. Plus I find that in my own cases I'm more likely to keep a partner that seems to genuinely give a shit about what I'm going through and isn't so up their own butt about me posting or participating in a roleplay. (Not saying your doing this, but it has been my experience with other people who are anti-ghosting.)

I also think a lot of the problem is just uncertainty. Which is why I recommend coming up with a plan for absences in the beginning of the roleplay. That way your partner doesn't feel like they have to respond in a set time no matter what. They understand that your willing to accept that something might come up that they can't tell you about and you're willing to wait for an explanation.

In my case it's simple : After three days I send you a PM asking if your okay. If I don't get a response I put the roleplay on hiatus for two weeks (due to corona). After that I delete the pm with the option for you to respond to it later.

 

[peritwinkle]

I understand losing interest or feeling that the person isn't engaged in brainstorming enough to justify keeping it going, but I do think communication is better than just cutting them off like a skin tag.

Beautiful art, btw. I saw your stuff earlier when I was browsing the gallery threads.

Sometimes it’s difficult to say “Yo I don’t think you’re adding anything of relevance to this story and I’m doing all the work.” If a potential partner is being unenthusiastic before starting the RP it’s usually bound to go to hell if it does start.

Also thank you!

 

[Nostalchiq]

I mean most of those instances I found out weeks to months later. And in my mind that is fine. Because this does not in any way take priority over your real life mental health. I don't give a shit if we are writing the next great american novel together. I'm not so arrogant that I think a story on a hobby site is more important than you handling your real life issues in a safe and healthy way.

It just seems so tone deaf and kind of self-absorbed to be miffed that someone doesn't take the time out in a crisis to inform some stranger they can't continue writing a non-published work of fiction. Plus I find that in my own cases I'm more likely to keep a partner that seems to genuinely give a shit about what I'm going through and isn't so up their own butt about me posting or participating in a roleplay. (Not saying your doing this, but it has been my experience with other people who are anti-ghosting.)

I also think a lot of the problem is just uncertainty. Which is why I recommend coming up with a plan for absences in the beginning of the roleplay. That way your partner doesn't feel like they have to respond in a set time no matter what. They understand that your willing to accept that something might come up that they can't tell you about and you're willing to wait for an explanation.

In my case it's simple : After three days I send you a PM asking if your okay. If I don't get a response I put the roleplay on hiatus for two weeks (due to corona). After that I delete the pm with the option for you to respond to it later.

You make a lot of good points and I don't want to come off the wrong way. What I'm trying to stress here is there I am making friends with these people. Lasting connections that I hope will be lifelong. I realize that's probably a pipe dream but I've kept writing partners for years in the past and we simply drifted apart after a while. Of course I would prioritize their health over a silly RP. Heck, I've had instances in my own life where I had to put a hiatus on an RP because of my own mental health, but because we were friends I wanted to let them know so they wouldn't worry. Of course if they were in a car accident or a coma and they simply can't write me to let me know, I would understand. But I invest a lot of emotional energy into these people and that's why it hurts me so much. It's not just about the writing.

 

[Tove]

Thanks for your reply and for sharing your opinion. You're right, it shouldn't feel like a job, and if it starts to feel that way I would want my partner to let me know immediately so that we can end the RP or discuss ways to make it more enjoyable for them. I don't know about others, but when I begin a new story I spend a lot of time discussing plans and expectations with a new partner, including what post frequency can be expected, general schedules so we know when to expect one another and how we both feel about communication. The subject of ghosting is inevitably brought up and the people who have done it to me always claim to be just as turned off by it as I am, and yet they seem to have no problem doing it themselves. Luckily it hasn't happened a ton of times but the times it has happened I'm always left feeling hurt and confused as they swore up and down that that wasn't how they handled things. I put a lot of time and energy into new partners because I only want to keep two long term partners at one time, so I do take it personally when I cultivate what I feel is a friendship and lasting RP with the person and they feel like it's okay to disappear without a trace. If I wrote more casually or jumped around a bunch I probably wouldn't mind as much.

As others have mentioned already, the only excusable reason (in my opinion) that I've seen is that they feel the other person would react in an unpleasant manner. I can understand that as no one likes confrontation, but the easy way out is rarely the right way and can leave someone who thought things were going well feeling hurt and rejected. It's very selfish. I don't know, maybe I just need to stop investing so much in people.

I wouldn't say stop doing what you feel is right when looking for a partner but on a different note you should have some caution about some people. As in real life, online is just the same. You try to get to know someone, you may end getting hurt especially from what you described above. It's really difficult online to find someone you can maintain a friendship with throughout the years but it does happen.

 

[Nostalchiq]

I wouldn't say stop doing what you feel is right when looking for a partner but on a different note you should have some caution about some people. As in real life, online is just the same. You try to get to know someone, you may end getting hurt especially from what you described above. It's really difficult online to find someone you can maintain a friendship with throughout the years but it does happen.

You're right. I wish you weren't but I know you're right. I just trust too easy. It sucks that I can't just let my guard down and let people in, but I guess that's the only way to protect myself. Thanks for the advice.

 

[rae2nerdy]

And to me if you want to be friends you have to give people the benefit of the doubt. If your immediate reaction to someone being away from the computer is to assume they are somehow doing something TO YOU rather than something might be happening TO THEM than you aren't being a very good friend. Which I think is part of the problem with this knee-jerk response to ghosting. Like oh well you just don't care because you didn't inform me immediately of whatever IRL issues you are having. Not everyone is that open about their personal life. Or they might have bad experiences in the past that have nothing to do with you.

Which is why I think just clear communication about a absence policy helps from jump. As it will prevent you from automatically going down a parnoid rabbit hole that they are punishing you by not informing you of their real life issues. And it will let them feel comfortable opening up because they aren't under this pressure to let you know every minute detail of their life.

 

[Tove]

You're right. I wish you weren't but I know you're right. I just trust too easy. It sucks that I can't just let my guard down and let people in, but I guess that's the only way to protect myself. Thanks for the advice.

I do hope you find what are looking for, in a person as well as a roleplay.

 

[Nostalchiq]

And to me if you want to be friends you have to give people the benefit of the doubt. If your immediate reaction to someone being away from the computer is to assume they are somehow doing something TO YOU rather than something might be happening TO THEM than you aren't being a very good friend. Which I think is part of the problem with this knee-jerk response to ghosting. Like oh well you just don't care because you didn't inform me immediately of whatever IRL issues you are having. Not everyone is that open about their personal life. Or they might have bad experiences in the past that have nothing to do with you.

Which is why I think just clear communication about a absence policy helps from jump. As it will prevent you from automatically going down a parnoid rabbit hole that they are punishing you by not informing you of their real life issues. And it will let them feel comfortable opening up because they aren't under this pressure to let you know every minute detail of their life.

Sorry, I do appreciate your input but I do not just immediately jump to conclusions. I give people ample time to get back to me, but when they've blocked me and removed our server on Discord it's kinda hard to believe that they're just dealing with a life emergency. Everything isn't black and white and I'm well aware of that fact. An absence policy is a good idea though, I'll keep that in mind next time I start writing with someone new. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[IamTurok]

My teenage self ghosted. A lot. But that was a long time ago and I'd say it was selfish immaturity.
I won't talk for ghosts, but I will say why I won't ghost anymore.

It's a simple fact. There is another person on the other side of the screen. I keep that in mind through every interaction.
As people, they deserve respect.
If I can say hello, thank you and goodbye to my grocery clerk, I sure as hell can do more for someone I write with.
I do not have control over them, or the way they feel. But I do have personal accountability for my actions and behaviour towards them.
In situations where, for whatever reason, the relationship (because yes, that what every interpersonal encounter is) cannot be continued, I'd like to exit the transaction knowing I behaved according to the above.

Like you, Nostalchiq, I try to form valuable and lasting relationships with my rp partners. One of my most enriching friendships started this way. It's not always going to work out, but it helps me to remember that I am only responsible for the way I treat them. The rest is not mine to decide.

 

[Nostalchiq]

My teenage self ghosted. A lot. But that was a long time ago and I'd say it was selfish immaturity.
I won't talk for ghosts, but I will say why I won't ghost anymore.

It's a simple fact. There is another person on the other side of the screen. I keep that in mind through every interaction.
As people, they deserve respect.
If I can say hello, thank you and goodbye to my grocery clerk, I sure as hell can do more for someone I write with.
I do not have control over them, or the way they feel. But I do have personal accountability for my actions and behaviour towards them.
In situations where, for whatever reason, the relationship (because yes, that what every interpersonal encounter is) cannot be continued, I'd like to exit the transaction knowing I behaved according to the above.

Like you, Nostalchiq, I try to form valuable and lasting relationships with my rp partners. One of my most enriching friendships started this way. It's not always going to work out, but it helps me to remember that I am only responsible for the way I treat them. The rest is not mine to decide.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the subject. It's nice to hear that there are people out there who feel similarly. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

If you are ever in the market for a new partner, maybe look me up! Haha. At the very least we'll both rest easy knowing that we'll be safe from being ghosted.

 

[Tulik]

I’ve ghosted only one time, but that was because the person was extremely toxic. It is my firm belief that if you are tired of a RP, you should tell them. You gain nothing from ghosting other than hurting feelings or making other see you in a bad light. A simple message should allow you to express you want to end things. If they chose to become hostile afterwards? Well you’ve said your piece. You don’t need to reply to them anymore.

 

[Nostalchiq]

I’ve ghosted only one time, but that was because the person was extremely toxic. It is my firm belief that if you are tired of a RP, you should tell them. You gain nothing from ghosting other than hurting feelings or making other see you in a bad light. A simple message should allow you to express you want to end things. If they chose to become hostile afterwards? Well you’ve said your piece. You don’t need to reply to them anymore.

You're absolutely spot on.

 

[Tulik]

One of my best friends today is someone I roleplay with on the regular. Sometimes we will start up a roleplay and one of us will say “ehh. Not really feeling this one.” And we agree to break that one down and work on another one. Communication is so important, especially in this hobby.

 

[Nostalchiq]

One of my best friends today is someone I roleplay with on the regular. Sometimes we will start up a roleplay and one of us will say “ehh. Not really feeling this one.” And we agree to break that one down and work on another one. Communication is so important, especially in this hobby.

I've had friendships like that in the past and they were extremely fulfilling. Would love to find something like that again on here.