Feedback on my Character please?

[PiperKuro88]

Please give me some advice

Name: Zoey Simmons (Prefers to be called Simmons)

Sex: Female

Sexuality: Bisexual

Age: 19

Occupation: Mechanic she was a natural mechanic and pretty much could look at something and tell what was wrong with it and in turn be able to figure out how to fix it. And she is employed but takes time off for herself a lot since she Is the best mech panic they got.

Living situation: She has an apartment that's always a mess of machine parts, and she hardly goes there unless she needs to, but she practically lives at the mechanic shop and tends to go up to the roof to think.

Skills: fixing things, and hacking (Brother taught her at the age of 13)

Disadvantages: Her irrational fear of drowning and heights

Physical Description or Picture: She has extra long brown hair, bright blue eyes, a kind smile, and soft tan skin

Personality and Biography: She is kind and cheerful when you get to know her but at first meet she seems cold and snarky. When she was little her mother died in a fire and her father left because according to him the only love in his life was his wife. She had a 17 year old brother she was very close to named Leo Fitz, and they are still very much close. She never abandons anyone and would rather die than let someone else suffer.

Short-Term goals: Make it through so she can buy an actual house and get some stability.

Long-Term goals: She hasn't quite figured that out yet, Zoey is taking it one step at a time.

 

[Bone2pick]

There's hardly anything to critique, but I'll give it a go. First, intelligence isn't a skill. Second, where and how did your character learn to hack? Where and how did she learn to become a mechanic? Is she currently employed? What's her living situation like? Why did her mother die? Why did her father leave? Does she still keep in touch with her brother? What are her short-term goals? How about her long-term goals?

 

[PiperKuro88]

Thank you for the advice

 

[Lifelines]

Maybe one of her long term goals can be to find her father? I'm not sure if that plays into the story you're writing her into but it's a thought. Perhaps she is always left wondering what she did wrong or why she wasn't good enough. This could affect her potential relationships with other characters as well.

I hope this helped

 

[Idea]

Generally speaking when it comes to this character, I mostly agree with Bone2pick in that I think there isn't a whole lot of content to look over. However, I do think there is some content worth reviewing. I'll be as to the point as possible below, so do excuse me if I'm a bit crude on my commentary.

Mechanic she was a natural mechanic and pretty much could look at something and tell what was wrong with it and in turn be able to figure out how to fix it. And she is employed but takes time off for herself a lot since she Is the best mech panic they got.

I am a little confused as to why part of this is written in past tense. Is she no longer a natural mechanic? If so, how did that happen? If not , why do you say she "was" a natural mechanic instead of she "is" a natural mechanic?

I'll also assume "mech panic" is a typo.

I would advise narrowing down her kind of expertize a little to something far more specific. I don't know what kind of setting this character is meant for, but unless this is some kind of super power, then being able to fix anything with a glance and no experience is frankly a little silly, not just from the level of unrealism but mostly because it seems to be used exclusively to make the character "special". I'll get into more detail about this in the overall overview.

Physical Description or Picture: She has extra long brown hair, bright blue eyes, a kind smile, and soft tan skin

Physical

kind

So...what exactly are the physical atributes of a "kind smile"? Surely you don't mean to imply kindness is a physical feature?

She is kind and cheerful when you get to know her but at first meet she seems cold and snarky. When she was little her mother died in a fire and her father left because according to him the only love in his life was his wife. She had a 17 year old brother she was very close to named Leo Fitz, and they are still very much close. She never abandons anyone and would rather die than let someone else suffer.

This personality thus far seems very Mary-sue-ish, in the sense that it is absolutely flawless. Sure, she may SEEM cold and snarky but when you get to know her that just goes away appearantly. Even if it didn't, how is "cold and snarky" gonna make the character fail? They're barely flaws to overcome and even then they're dismissed. Not abandoning people or letting them suffer is really a bit too good to be true, but I guess borderline acceptable (just not very believable), yet nonetheless it's not a flaw because it will only fail by someone else exploiting it, and at it's core is a good thing.

She is kind and cheerful when you get to know her but at first meet she seems cold and snarky.

By the way why does she seem cold and snarky? Is it because she IS cold and snarky and if that's the case, why the disparity?

Short-Term goals: Make it through so she can buy an actual house and get some stability.

But I thought she didn't hang out at her apartment because she prefers to pratically live at the mechanics shop? Didn't that and the fact everything about this character, including the fact in her house she keeps all kinds of mechanical pieces suggest she just prefers to be with the machines than be at home?

 

[Idea]

Overall Overview: Honestly, the character seems mostly constructed to be "special", with a few elements that have very generic interplay but overall leaving most things at their most surpeficial level without really making use of any of those elements to expand or flesh out the character. Her mother died in a fire and her dad left her, but appearantly this didn't affect her personality. Despite her seeming obsession with machinery derived from her natural talent with it, she seems exceedingly worried about people and her main concern is a house. Her talent and job are the biggest offenders in this, as said talent is appearantly so good she can skip learning about machines before she can fix them- yet other than her exceedingly successful yet also unsucessful career path, this aspect of the character seems to hold no weight towards her personality or backstory.

Furthermore, there are HUGE gaps of information regarding essential aspects of the character's background. Where is her brother? Who raised her after her parents were gone? How did she get into her current career? What caused the fire? etc...

I think the best thing you can do for this character is take a serious look at the consequences of each element and give a little more thought into why you want each individual piece and how that will affect and interplay with the rest of the character. Above all a good character is consistent: It doesn't break their internal logic, and is realistically affect by each aspect and event in relation to themselves and the world around them.


Hope this helps! Good luck and happy RPing!

 

[PiperKuro88]

Generally speaking when it comes to this character, I mostly agree with Bone2pick in that I think there isn't a whole lot of content to look over. However, I do think there is some content worth reviewing. I'll be as to the point as possible below, so do excuse me if I'm a bit crude on my commentary.




I am a little confused as to why part of this is written in past tense. Is she no longer a natural mechanic? If so, how did that happen? If not , why do you say she "was" a natural mechanic instead of she "is" a natural mechanic?

I'll also assume "mech panic" is a typo.

I would advise narrowing down her kind of expertize a little to something far more specific. I don't know what kind of setting this character is meant for, but unless this is some kind of super power, then being able to fix anything with a glance and no experience is frankly a little silly, not just from the level of unrealism but mostly because it seems to be used exclusively to make the character "special". I'll get into more detail about this in the overall overview.




So...what exactly are the physical atributes of a "kind smile"? Surely you don't mean to imply kindness is a physical feature?


This personality thus far seems very Mary-sue-ish, in the sense that it is absolutely flawless. Sure, she may SEEM cold and snarky but when you get to know her that just goes away appearantly. Even if it didn't, how is "cold and snarky" gonna make the character fail? They're barely flaws to overcome and even then they're dismissed. Not abandoning people or letting them suffer is really a bit too good to be true, but I guess borderline acceptable (just not very believable), yet nonetheless it's not a flaw because it will only fail by someone else exploiting it, and at it's core is a good thing.


By the way why does she seem cold and snarky? Is it because she IS cold and snarky and if that's the case, why the disparity?


But I thought she didn't hang out at her apartment because she prefers to pratically live at the mechanics shop? Didn't that and the fact everything about this character, including the fact in her house she keeps all kinds of mechanical pieces suggest she just prefers to be with the machines than be at home?

FYI, a kind smile is like when she smiles instead of looking bad or evil it lights up her features and makes her look like a kind or good person.

 

[Idea]

FYI, a kind smile is like when she smiles instead of looking bad or evil it lights up her features and makes her look like a kind or good person.

I know that's the intention...but there is no such thing. What looks like a kind smile to some may look creepy to others. And depending on the context a smile that would seem kind will seem radically different. There isn't a particular shape or signal that consistently makes a smile "kind".

 

[PiperKuro88]

I know that's the intention...but there is no such thing. What looks like a kind smile to some may look creepy to others. And depending on the context a smile that would seem kind will seem radically different. There isn't a particular shape or signal that consistently makes a smile "kind".

I see your point....