ArchieTheFel
Born to ":3", forced to "Hi, welcome to the store"
To start off, I have suffered with depression for years. When I was first seeing a therapist, I was diagnosed with borderline major-depressive disorder. I was in therapy for about four years and it has helped, not to mention my mom and siblings managed to get out of a bad living situation that helped with my mental health greatly. I'm also on medicine for general anxiety and depression, but something still feels wrong with me.
Life hasn't been bad, especially now; I started a new job recently, and even though I just finished my training phase I absolutely love it. I have a lot of free time to do things I want, but the issue is I can't do what I want due to lack of motivation. But it just doesn't feel like normal lack of motivation. I want to do things, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm just exhausted, and I think a little emotionally numb.
A few years ago, during the height of my depression, I believe I may have had a mental break. For months, I believed my entire life was a dream and if I ended it I would wake up and I was traumatized (this was before I could get access to a therapist, which unfortunately has a whole story of its own). I think maybe what I'm feeling now is kind of leftover from that time. While I don't still have those thoughts as bad, I get this feeling sometimes that everything around me is just an illusion, and I'm just existing in it.
I have no motivation outside of work hours. I'm exhausted all the time. I don't have interest in anything like I used to. All I can really bring myself to do is eat and take naps. Everything annoys me, even things that never usually did. Everything just feels so grating. I can't focus on one thing for too long; I have multiple games, apps, books, and other things to keep me entertained during the day but every time I start something I end up getting tired and having to switch to something else, or just forget about it entirely and take a nap instead. I sleep so much, but it doesn't do anything to help me. Caffeine doesn't do anything. And on nights I can't sleep, even sleeping medications don't seem to do jack shit.
I haven't SH'd in months, but I still get those thoughts sometimes, just not as bad as they used to be. I think part of me in lonely. During the days when I'm not working, I'm usually home alone for hours at a time. I have a hard time being by myself, but I can't stand being around other people. It just feels like I'm floating through life, always on the verge of drowning but that one ounce of strength I still have just continues to keep me going.
I don't really want to talk to anyone about it, but it would be nice to see if anyone else feels this way. I just don't want to be alone in this. And if anyone has any tips, it would be appreciated. Like, maybe if you feel like this too, what are some things that you personally do to help yourself?
Life hasn't been bad, especially now; I started a new job recently, and even though I just finished my training phase I absolutely love it. I have a lot of free time to do things I want, but the issue is I can't do what I want due to lack of motivation. But it just doesn't feel like normal lack of motivation. I want to do things, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm just exhausted, and I think a little emotionally numb.
A few years ago, during the height of my depression, I believe I may have had a mental break. For months, I believed my entire life was a dream and if I ended it I would wake up and I was traumatized (this was before I could get access to a therapist, which unfortunately has a whole story of its own). I think maybe what I'm feeling now is kind of leftover from that time. While I don't still have those thoughts as bad, I get this feeling sometimes that everything around me is just an illusion, and I'm just existing in it.
I have no motivation outside of work hours. I'm exhausted all the time. I don't have interest in anything like I used to. All I can really bring myself to do is eat and take naps. Everything annoys me, even things that never usually did. Everything just feels so grating. I can't focus on one thing for too long; I have multiple games, apps, books, and other things to keep me entertained during the day but every time I start something I end up getting tired and having to switch to something else, or just forget about it entirely and take a nap instead. I sleep so much, but it doesn't do anything to help me. Caffeine doesn't do anything. And on nights I can't sleep, even sleeping medications don't seem to do jack shit.
I haven't SH'd in months, but I still get those thoughts sometimes, just not as bad as they used to be. I think part of me in lonely. During the days when I'm not working, I'm usually home alone for hours at a time. I have a hard time being by myself, but I can't stand being around other people. It just feels like I'm floating through life, always on the verge of drowning but that one ounce of strength I still have just continues to keep me going.
I don't really want to talk to anyone about it, but it would be nice to see if anyone else feels this way. I just don't want to be alone in this. And if anyone has any tips, it would be appreciated. Like, maybe if you feel like this too, what are some things that you personally do to help yourself?