Journal Does anyone else feel this way? (TW: discussion of depression/mental illness, mentions of SH)

[ArchieTheFel]

To start off, I have suffered with depression for years. When I was first seeing a therapist, I was diagnosed with borderline major-depressive disorder. I was in therapy for about four years and it has helped, not to mention my mom and siblings managed to get out of a bad living situation that helped with my mental health greatly. I'm also on medicine for general anxiety and depression, but something still feels wrong with me.

Life hasn't been bad, especially now; I started a new job recently, and even though I just finished my training phase I absolutely love it. I have a lot of free time to do things I want, but the issue is I can't do what I want due to lack of motivation. But it just doesn't feel like normal lack of motivation. I want to do things, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm just exhausted, and I think a little emotionally numb.

A few years ago, during the height of my depression, I believe I may have had a mental break. For months, I believed my entire life was a dream and if I ended it I would wake up and I was traumatized (this was before I could get access to a therapist, which unfortunately has a whole story of its own). I think maybe what I'm feeling now is kind of leftover from that time. While I don't still have those thoughts as bad, I get this feeling sometimes that everything around me is just an illusion, and I'm just existing in it.

I have no motivation outside of work hours. I'm exhausted all the time. I don't have interest in anything like I used to. All I can really bring myself to do is eat and take naps. Everything annoys me, even things that never usually did. Everything just feels so grating. I can't focus on one thing for too long; I have multiple games, apps, books, and other things to keep me entertained during the day but every time I start something I end up getting tired and having to switch to something else, or just forget about it entirely and take a nap instead. I sleep so much, but it doesn't do anything to help me. Caffeine doesn't do anything. And on nights I can't sleep, even sleeping medications don't seem to do jack shit.

I haven't SH'd in months, but I still get those thoughts sometimes, just not as bad as they used to be. I think part of me in lonely. During the days when I'm not working, I'm usually home alone for hours at a time. I have a hard time being by myself, but I can't stand being around other people. It just feels like I'm floating through life, always on the verge of drowning but that one ounce of strength I still have just continues to keep me going.

I don't really want to talk to anyone about it, but it would be nice to see if anyone else feels this way. I just don't want to be alone in this. And if anyone has any tips, it would be appreciated. Like, maybe if you feel like this too, what are some things that you personally do to help yourself?

 

[Celestial Water]

Only responding bc you wanted confirmation on if someone else felt the same way. I do feel the same but I have no interest in talking about it. Suffering and happiness go hand in hand. I’ve just learned to deal with it. But a lot of what you said are similar to my experiences and how I feel.

 

[Vibe_Lad]

Very long winded post, but rest assured I did read it thoroughly.

Coincidentally I am taking Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) due to past chronic stress and anxiety. Similar to you I presume? Although you didn't exactly name your medication type.

I smoke since I was 20, coffee drinker (2 a day), dabbled in weed but that's it in terms of drugs.

Parents divorced since I was very young, now I live and work in the city where my father lives. I used to only visit him on the weekends, grew up with my mom the majority of my time.

Dealt with longterm bullying. Lack of a father figure. Social isolation. Self hate. Self doubt. Though something is deeply wrong with me on a fundamental level.

Coped by training basketball consistently, my grades weren't the best due to my lack of focus.

Watched alot.... I mean ALOT of YouTube.

Played vidya alot.

Trained.

I felt deeply sad and unmotivated trough my whole schooling life. No gf. Picked my friends VERY carefully. Didn't even have sex till I was 20 (I was deeply terrified of having someone love me, as I didn't love anyone except my mother and sister)

Been to therapy similarly as you. All together around 4 years. Helped me rationalize my fucked up family dinamics and deal with reality.

Even though I'm on meds, have a job, only have a nicotine and caffeine addiction. Quit weed (antidepressants cancel out THC, not worth throwing money on it)

I still do feel lesser. But I try not to think about it.


My personal advice? Push yourself to have a friend.

You are a human being. You have needs, that little kid who dealt with depression also had needs. You as a future serious adult will still have needs.


As social creatures, our need is socialization.


Even in my darkest times, I atleast had 1 friend at the very least to acknowledge my existence and share my pain with.

Friends come and go. People will let you down. But as long as you exist. You'll need people.

I don't know you. So I won't offer personal advice for you.

I can't lend a listening ear. As I have real life duties to attend to and I am not a therapist.

But I can assure you that the struggle is real. Your problems are valid. You are valid.
You went trough some real shit to develop such a diagnosis.

And it takes alot of guts to deal with reality instead of taking the easy way out.


Hope to see you in 1x1 interest checks.


Good luck at work, and I'm wishing you success in the long run.

Take care.

 

[Nokumi]

I can totally relate. I'm needing to make up excuses as to why I hit snooz on my alarm and go back to sleep until I unplug my alarm cuz I'm too tired to shut it off manually. Even though I got a full 8 hours of sleep. But the full 8 hours of sleep is also rare. My average is 2 hours a night. But ranges for no sleep to 6 hours. I have no motivation and a short attention span. I cry for no reason but behind closed doors. Because I was diagnosed with what's known as smiling depression. It's hard for me to talk about it to the people close to me or the people I see in person. But online I have no issue cuz I know I may never see these people in person.

I smile and laugh for no reason or try to crack jokes all the time and seem happy. As long as there's someone around I'll do stuff like chores and other things. But the moment I'm alone I break down. Slack off and degrade myself. I struggle to talk to people about it. I never talk to my mom or my dad or my brother about my problems. I also don't want people close to me to know this side of me.

I never had a plan to just end it all. But since I was adopted I always wondered if it would have been better if I was never adopted and stayed in a foster home. Or even better. If my birth mom because of the age she birthed me if it would have been better if she made me an abortion.

People say abortion is wrong. I agree to AN EXTENT. If you know your baby is gonna be messed up. Like in my case it was guaranteed I was gonna have issues. You should just abort instead of giving a miserable life into someone. Better yet get your tubes tied. I wish I was a stilled birth or something. Because honestly? Life is hard. It's cruel. And it's unfair. But I'm too chicken to fallow through with a plan to end it all.

 

[ManicMuse]

Please reach out to your psychiatrist and tell them this. Review family history. Request options for treatment.

Tell your therapist. Explain the previous break, explain familiar feelings coming up again.

It could be as simple as the right med combo or coping skill.

For me it turned out to be, OCD med mixed with anti depression, a med normally used by public speakers and a Antipsychotic to sleep.

Only way we got to that combo is me being totally honest with my therapist, her telling me XYZ was not normal and there were things that can be done.

My intrusive thoughts use to be a running tape in my head. Now they float up from time to time. Much more manageable.

 

[Tanya Degurchaff]

I KNOW exactly how you feel I'm in the same boat... lose sleep every day unless I drink myself like crazy usually. Met a special lady and she has been a tremendous help but I feel so sad when she is away... I come here to try and express myself and like 50% of people I talk to either take 5 hours to reply once and ignore you if you ask about it...or are extremely rude. Either right away or just out of no where mid roleplay. wish the people on here I talked to could just try and being a bit more respectful and understanding.

 

[Nokumi]

I KNOW exactly how you feel I'm in the same boat... lose sleep every day unless I drink myself like crazy usually. Met a special lady and she has been a tremendous help but I feel so sad when she is away... I come here to try and express myself and like 50% of people I talk to either take 5 hours to reply once and ignore you if you ask about it...or are extremely rude. Either right away or just out of no where mid roleplay. wish the people on here I talked to could just try and being a bit more respectful and understanding.

I try to respond as quickly as possible. My life just downed to an all time low so... SHIT happens... life gets in the way even if you don't wanna live.

Also is it normal to hear your heart beat in your ears???? Cuz I hear it right now I think I'm having heart complications

 

[Malphaestus]

I try to respond as quickly as possible. My life just downed to an all time low so... SHIT happens... life gets in the way even if you don't wanna live.

Also is it normal to hear your heart beat in your ears???? Cuz I hear it right now I think I'm having heart complications

Pulsatile tinnitus can be the result of recurring stress, intense as well as minor, over prolonged periods of time. But it can also be a symptom of a graver illness, in the same vein as it can be a component of a minor illness; it is recommended to hear out a professional in regards to experiences of hearing anything unusual in your ears; pulse as well as regular ringing.

In my experience, tinnitus of all forms were related to my stress and mental well-being. When I could manage it, I could also overpower the focus I placed on the abnormalities in my ears, and the pulsating I heard would decrease and grow less frequent in experience. Stress-management is a crucial aspect of improving your mental well-being, but it is not something that can be given: it is acquired.

Feeling better is a quest you must undertake, and participate in. It cannot be solved through the simple utilization of medicine or superficial pursuits; it depends on your mind, and your mindset extended beyond it. It is a struggle unlike any that the person who undertakes it has undergone; and it is unfair that it is that way. But if you wish for betterment, you cannot avoid it; escape is simpler, but it provides nothing and simply digs the hurdle to overcome it deeper.

I have not overcome my own struggles, but I try very hard. Unlike some, I dug my own grave; now I seek to get out of it. It is hard, very much so. But I try until I succeed. Failing is a part of being human: but it does not stop you from succeeding, it is merely a component to success. All I wish to win is happiness, and so I fail until I do not anymore; learning from all the mistakes of myself and others until I cannot fail anymore.

Winning is still in the future, you simply have to arrive there first.

 

[Winona]

Like the others here, I just wanted to say that you're not alone in how you feel.

I've been in therapy on and off since I was around nine. At about twenty, I was losing a ton of weight and was unable to keep any food down, but I had a perfectly clean bill of health. After speaking with my therapist, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and I cried. A lot. She also said that when my anxiety would reach a point, my body would shut down and that was the cause of my depressive episodes. I ended up having to quit my job, tried to get a new one a few months later, but the same thing happened.

I was on medication for a while, but dropped off of it when my doctor's office cancelled my prescription during covid, and then wouldn't pick up their phones. Yeah. Great time to suddenly be cut off, but when I tried the meds again sometime last year, they did not have the same effect.

Couldn't really shake the feeling that something else was wrong. Like I wasn't sold on the idea of it just being GAD, so I started seeking out a second opinion. Figured I'd either get confirmation from someone who didn't know myself or my family, or I'd get a new diagnosis.

Switched doctors, my current doctor was at a loss. My therapist continued to write off my mental health as being the same as my mom (and she ended up being wrong about her diagnosis), so eventually I called a psych. After a nice little meeting with him, I was again diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, but with the added flavor of bipolar disorder, and now I'm in the process of trying to find medications to manage.

So... it's a long, tiring, unending journey. Being honest and open with your doctors and those trying to help you is the best way, presuming they're actually providing help, and not just brushing you off. And if you do feel like there's something else wrong, I mean... I wouldn't brush that off. No one knows you better than yourself, even if you feel like a stranger in your own skin sometimes.

Anyway if you (or anyone else), ever want to talk, my DMs are open. I think it's good to have others to talk to that kind of know what you're going through. Makes you feel less alone and isolated.

 

[The Explorer]

To start off, I have suffered with depression for years. When I was first seeing a therapist, I was diagnosed with borderline major-depressive disorder. I was in therapy for about four years and it has helped, not to mention my mom and siblings managed to get out of a bad living situation that helped with my mental health greatly. I'm also on medicine for general anxiety and depression, but something still feels wrong with me.

Life hasn't been bad, especially now; I started a new job recently, and even though I just finished my training phase I absolutely love it. I have a lot of free time to do things I want, but the issue is I can't do what I want due to lack of motivation. But it just doesn't feel like normal lack of motivation. I want to do things, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm just exhausted, and I think a little emotionally numb.

A few years ago, during the height of my depression, I believe I may have had a mental break. For months, I believed my entire life was a dream and if I ended it I would wake up and I was traumatized (this was before I could get access to a therapist, which unfortunately has a whole story of its own). I think maybe what I'm feeling now is kind of leftover from that time. While I don't still have those thoughts as bad, I get this feeling sometimes that everything around me is just an illusion, and I'm just existing in it.

I have no motivation outside of work hours. I'm exhausted all the time. I don't have interest in anything like I used to. All I can really bring myself to do is eat and take naps. Everything annoys me, even things that never usually did. Everything just feels so grating. I can't focus on one thing for too long; I have multiple games, apps, books, and other things to keep me entertained during the day but every time I start something I end up getting tired and having to switch to something else, or just forget about it entirely and take a nap instead. I sleep so much, but it doesn't do anything to help me. Caffeine doesn't do anything. And on nights I can't sleep, even sleeping medications don't seem to do jack shit.

I haven't SH'd in months, but I still get those thoughts sometimes, just not as bad as they used to be. I think part of me in lonely. During the days when I'm not working, I'm usually home alone for hours at a time. I have a hard time being by myself, but I can't stand being around other people. It just feels like I'm floating through life, always on the verge of drowning but that one ounce of strength I still have just continues to keep me going.

I don't really want to talk to anyone about it, but it would be nice to see if anyone else feels this way. I just don't want to be alone in this. And if anyone has any tips, it would be appreciated. Like, maybe if you feel like this too, what are some things that you personally do to help yourself?

When I was in middle school, I realized the weight that my actions had on others, and the effects they had on me personally. So, I joined the Drama Club. I thought if I learned how to act and be essentially a fictional character, I'd be able to be whoever I wanted to be. I thought that if I just became someone else, I wouldn't have to suffer through my pain and my depression alone. Those people would actually listen to me and care.
And I was right. But after years of acting and trying to have a way to do everything on my own, I no longer had any piece of my real self left, it was all gone. I was nothing but an act.
One day I learned about masks and personas through a video game series I loved. I did the research, and it turns out there was some actual psychology behind it.
Everyone wears masks to be able to interact socially. Every normal human has one. But at one point, my mind shattered from the weight of my pain, and sorrow. I lost everything I was. So, I gave up, ripped my mask off, and thought "If it doesn't work, I don't need it."
But after that, I noticed that my depression was getting worse, that I didn't have the will to do anything I didn't absolutely have to do, and that even though I wanted friends, I didn't want to put them through the pain of being friends with me. Having to worry. Or worse, them leaving because of me putting them through so much pain.
Recently, I tried to "create" a mask. I wrote down everything I wanted to stand for, and who I really wanted to be. Then I hacked my subconscious through hypnosis and forced myself to become like that person I wrote down.
If I hadn't learned about psychology, the way to use Self-Hypnosis to hack my brain, or if I never learned how to act like a fictional character, I wouldn't have been able to make it through the pain and sorrow.
Your situation sounded very similar to what my entire life so far has been until today and I'm about to turn twenty-six in December. I have meds too, and they help a lot.
If anything, always remember that even though you can't change the past, as long as you are breathing, you can change the future.