Viewpoint Age Gap Romances in RP

[Shivana]

So my question is about age gap romances in RP and exactly when you believe it becomes inappropriate. For example, I myself believe as long as both characters are over the age of 18 the age gap does not matter whatsoever. However, if one person is 18 of legal age and one is not then when is it inappropriate?

I personally see no issue with say an 18-year-old dating a 17-year-old, but some people believe it's alright for an 18-year-old to date as young as a 15-year-old because of the whole you might have been dating when they were a freshman and you were a senior thing and it doesn't make you gross to keep dating just because you are now 18.

Some believe this notion is universal and it's alright to date someone who is technically underage if your character is 18 as long as it doesn't exceed the 3-year gap. Meaning:

18: 17, 16 & 15
19: 18, 17 & 16
20: 19, 18 & 17

However, most of these people adamantly believe that you should go lower than this. What do you think about this subject?

 

[Coco Adel]

Hmm, I want to say 3 year age gap is fine since it seems to be fine be official law standards and I kind of don't see an issue with you dating someone who was considered to be in your age group just a year ago. However, I'm not sure if that's a courtesy that's only extended to people who were dating before one of them turned 18 or if that's just in general.

However, I do agree that as long as both are of the age that it doesn't matter. Yes arguments could be made for the difference in maturity between as an 18-year-old and a 30-year-old but they're both legally of age so, do you I suppose. As long as there was no grooming involved I don't care.

 

[rae2nerdy]

In my mind the issue is about power dynamics so that’s what I look at as well as the relative maturity of each character.

I wouldn’t automatically be uncomfortable with an 18 and 17 year old unless it was clear the 18 year old was taking advantage of the younger person. They were pressuring them into something they weren’t comfortable with by leveraging their status as “an adult” to peer pressure the other person into whatever.

For that matter if it was clear the 17 year old was more emotionally mature than the 18 year old and again was pressuring them into something they weren’t ready for than no.

Now with adults it’s actually the same. Just because your both legal doesn’t mean your on equal footing. If one is a teacher and one is a student than that’s inappropriate. Same if one is a employer and one an employee.

Also the immaturity thing is still a problem. If one character is in a place in their life where they are ready for adult responsibilities and the other one still acts like a child than the relationship wont work. Granted that’s not for any problematic reason just different values.

Plus that is also real life experience talking. I’m aware responsible / irresponsible pairings are a trope. I have just lived through the imbalance of them and find the pairing incompatible and frustrating.

tl:dr I don’t see it as a math equation so much as a compatibility issue. Unless it’s like a 20 year old and a 15 year old than solid no.

 

[Shivana]

In my mind the issue is about power dynamics so that’s what I look at as well as the relative maturity of each character.

I wouldn’t automatically be uncomfortable with an 18 and 17 year old unless it was clear the 18 year old was taking advantage of the younger person. They were pressuring them into something they weren’t comfortable with by leveraging their status as “an adult” to peer pressure the other person into whatever.

For that matter if it was clear the 17 year old was more emotionally mature than the 18 year old and again was pressuring them into something they weren’t ready for than no.

Now with adults it’s actually the same. Just because your both legal doesn’t mean your on equal footing. If one is a teacher and one is a student than that’s inappropriate. Same if one is a employer and one an employee.

Also the immaturity thing is still a problem. If one character is in a place in their life where they are ready for adult responsibilities and the other one still acts like a child than the relationship wont work. Granted that’s not for any problematic reason just different values.

Plus that is also real life experience talking. I’m aware responsible / irresponsible pairings are a trope. I have just lived through the imbalance of them and find the pairing incompatible and frustrating.

tl:dr I don’t see it as a math equation so much as a compatibility issue. Unless it’s like a 20-year-old and a 15-year-old than solid no.

Well of course when I was speaking of this I meant when it comes to two people who agreed to be in a relationship and no one was pressured. Of course, there are other factors that could possibly make it inappropriate but I meant as far as fully consenting and unpressured relationships go and I understand I didn't specifically write that so I won't say anything against it. However, I was more so asking what people thought the cut off age for dating someone who is technically a minor is when the character is 18 years of age.

As I said I see no problem with 18 and 17 but some people think it's okay to go to 15 and I can see the logic but I'm not entirely sure myself. Like you said 20 and 15 seems a bit much for me, but I believe using the 3 year age gap they have deemed that 17 would be the youngest you should be allowed to date and again I suppose I see the logic on the premise of you may have been datinff in high school when you were both considered minors and I don't think you should have to break up because you turned 18, but I'm on the fence about the 3 year age gap being universal.

 

[Becker]

I use a general rule that was the norm during my time at School.

Dating someone one year above or below you was completely fine, dating someone two years above or below was a little unusual but still fine... dating someone three years above or below was creepy.

 

[LadybirdMooch]

honestly i personally won't date someone younger than me, and the same rule applies to my of age characters. The max they'll date someone older is about three years lmao

 

[Nue]

My general rule is the older you are, the less creepy a huge age gap is. So like, if you're 40 and they're 50, coolcool. If you're 18 and they're 25... mm... kinda weird. If you're 20 and they're 50 runrunrunrun

So I keep that logic when roleplaying, unless it's a scenario where it's acknowledged that this is a weird, unhealthy dynamic.

 

[laceanddoodles]

I think it’s too far when one of the rpers feels uncomfortable. Sometimes a relationship is meant to be creepy— to give a character something to escape from. Then, you have to be delicate with what gets said or implied, but you have a bit more freedom, because the others expect to be a little creeped out, and they expect to be able to... either get the younger partner away from the elder, or otherwise get some revenge.

For instance, I’m actually in two D&D campaigns where this features in. In one, we’re all playing teenagers. The fourteen year old bard, Dahlia (Dal), uses disguise self to make themself look older to perform in their small home town under a fake name. An adult man has fallen in love with their disguised form and wants to marry them, fully not knowing that they’re actually 14. We ended up fighting and killing this man, which honestly could have been better... but we were all creeped out, but in a good way. He was an accidental villain who we loved to hate.

In the other, I am playing a young tiefling lady named Celestine. The campaign is Victorian inspired, and Celestine grew up in the nobility of a strictly anti-magic society with a strong central monotheistic state religion. Her parents were human, and both heroes of the country in some way, so she was allowed power and privilege despite her tiefling...ness. However, her family was broke. So, before the start of the campaign, she agreed to marry Mr. Abel T. Everleigh— a no nonsense business man with a massive textile empire. He’s also in his late 50s, whereas she’s barely pushing 20. It’s not a marriage of love, or equal in any way. The power dynamic is skewed firmly in his favor and he is very controlling. Unfortunately for both of them, my girl accidentally sold her soul to an elder god and is in the process of fleeing the country. But the relationship my dm and I plotted up and agreed upon is quite gross— even if it isn’t sexual. (Celestine: “Well, Abel expects, I mean— we want three children! More if they’re all girls.”) And again, my fellow players are fine with it, because Celestine can be rescued, and there’s an understanding that this is not what anyone should look for in a relationship.

So, really, just communicate! The lines are different for everyone, just make sure you’ve established limits and boundaries well beforehand and have fun!

 

[Jannah]

I personally won't do massive age gaps. I think it's disgusting in real life so I sure as hell won't validate it in RP. I suppose I will make exceptions for arranged marriage type scenarios since men marrying much younger women was common in those situations. However, if that's the case then I won't be having them fall in love at all because yuck, yuck, yuck!

 

[still watching fma]

My general rule is the older you are, the less creepy a huge age gap is. So like, if you're 40 and they're 50, coolcool. If you're 18 and they're 25... mm... kinda weird. If you're 20 and they're 50 runrunrunrun

So I keep that logic when roleplaying, unless it's a scenario where it's acknowledged that this is a weird, unhealthy dynamic.

I think the 50 year old should run, because I smell a skanky gold digger in that situation.

 

[Lithia Lace]

Well, that's a difficult question in RP there are all kinds of scenarios that kind of make the lines blurry. For example, if you had an avatar like a situation where a character was chronologically over a hundred but mentally younger than the person they were interested in. Let's say they were frozen for a 100 years but were 14 at the time and were interested in a girl who was 16. I don't think that's creepy.

Then you have scenarios like in Mass Effect Shepard is like in their 30's but if you Romance Liara she is 106 in the first game and Samara is even older than her. So when it comes to age gaps in RP I think it depends on the circumstances and maturity level rather than the age 100% of the time.

 

[Lithia Lace]

I think the 50-year-old should run because I smell a skanky gold digger in that situation.

Some people just like dating people older than them, it's not always about money, guys do it too, sometimes they're really just into it. There was a situation that I remember where the younger girl was actually the rich one in the situation. I would never date someone that much older than me as I feel you're too old for me of you're brother's age and he's only 2 years older than me, but I'm not gonna judge other people for looking what they like. Unless that shit is illegal or involved grooming.

 

[still watching fma]

Some people just like dating people older than them, it's not always about money, guys do it too, sometimes they're really just into it. There was a situation that I remember where the younger girl was actually the rich one in the situation. I would never date someone that much older than me as I feel you're too old for me of you're brother's age and he's only 2 years older than me, but I'm not gonna judge other people for looking what they like. Unless that shit is illegal or involved grooming.

I was poking fun at the person who thought a 25 year old being with a 50 year old was creepy. These topics are always so uptight and everyone rushes to denounce anything and everything like a bandwagon. lol

 

[Lithia Lace]

I was poking fun at the person who thought a 25 year old being with a 50 year old was creepy. These topics are always so uptight and everyone rushes to denounce anything and everything like a bandwagon. lol

Umm, I was simply stating my opinion, no one was denouncing you? If I was denoucning you, you'd know it.

 

[still watching fma]

Umm, I was simply stating my opinion, no one was denouncing you? If I was denoucning you, you'd know it.

I didn't take offense, but you made it a point to tell me that some people like older partners.

 

[Lithia Lace]

I didn't take offense, but you made it a point to tell me that some people like older partners.

Okay, and? I was making conversation about the topic, I am well aware that it was a joke but doesn't mean I can't strike up a related conversation. If you do not wish to have that conversation then I apologize, but again if I was denouncing you, you'd know it and this ain't it.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Well of course when I was speaking of this I meant when it comes to two people who agreed to be in a relationship and no one was pressured. Of course, there are other factors that could possibly make it inappropriate but I meant as far as fully consenting and unpressured relationships go and I understand I didn't specifically write that so I won't say anything against it. However, I was more so asking what people thought the cut off age for dating someone who is technically a minor is when the character is 18 years of age.

As I said I see no problem with 18 and 17 but some people think it's okay to go to 15 and I can see the logic but I'm not entirely sure myself. Like you said 20 and 15 seems a bit much for me, but I believe using the 3 year age gap they have deemed that 17 would be the youngest you should be allowed to date and again I suppose I see the logic on the premise of you may have been datinff in high school when you were both considered minors and I don't think you should have to break up because you turned 18, but I'm on the fence about the 3 year age gap being universal.

So for me as I said it’s usually more of question of - is this an equal relationship where both characters have the same level of power in the relationship?

For that matter do they both have the same understanding of what the relationship is/means? Can they each walk away from the relationship with no ill effects coming to their life/mental health?

In short I take a very adult view of what consent means. It’s not just saying “Yes I want to be in a relationship with X”.

And because of that there is no uniform answer because each set of characters is different. For that matter the settings they surround themselves will also influence what characters find odd/exceptable.

 

[Tove]

Age gaps with characters are fine with me so as long as all characters involved are 21 and above, nothing below that. So, yeah, I don't mind them. In fact, I had a female character who had developed a relationship with an older gentleman. They both taught each other lessons in their respective lives from obstacles they had experienced. Also, I feel having the right partner helps in a situation like that.

 

[Uriels-Fire]

I think, in theory, you can write relationships with as big of an age gap as you want. I don't necessarily think it's inappropriate to write about a couple where one character is legally an adult and the other isn't, or even if they're both adults but one is significantly older, but the greater the age gap is the more I'm going to raise my eyebrow at the person requesting it and want to know why they want to write about something like that, you know??

Is it like some 14-year-old girl projecting onto her character because she wants to play out the fantasy of a cool older guy in a relatively risk-free way? Okay, whatever. Mostly harmless, I'm less put off by that but maybe more concerned about what cultural messages we as a society are imparting about relationships but whatever it's fine, or is it like some grown adult who wants to play out their creepy, potentially pedophilic fantasy? Kill it with fire, zero tolerance for creeps like this. Or maybe it's like a totally normal person who just wants to explore a particular theme or idea, and is going to treat things with the appropriate level of care that the subject demands? Okay, give it a pass.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to how the narrative treats it. If you've got a character that's 24 years old and one that's 17, how is that being handled within the story? Sure events happen within the story, but is it being portrayed as a healthy, normal thing that's just "lol yeah this is totally fine no reason for concern at all", or does the story acknowledge that it's maybe kinda weird for a person who's had like 7 years to establish themselves as an adult wanting to get with a still finishing up the end of puberty, still in high-school teenager and that something like that is super questionable and has tons of room for the younger party to be taken advantage of and to be manipulated or coerced because they just don't know any better yet? Are we going to act like this relationship becomes any less inappropriate and potentially harmful the moment the younger one hits 18 and that's the magic number where you become an adult and now that you can legally vote you can't be taken advantage of any more?

How about characters that are like 20 and 50? Are we going to acknowledge within the story that maybe it's not totally appropriate that these two characters are different enough in age to potentially be parent and child, and are at very different stages in their lives, are in an intimate relationship? Is the story actually going to touch on the fact that it's a heavily skewed dynamic, and actually explore that, or are we going to treat it like everything is totally fine and that nothing could possibly be kinda hinky about this match??

But it gets even weirder and more grey when we add unnaturally long lifespans into the mix like, say, a super hot ageless elf or a vampire who could have easily lived triple their partner's expected lifespan, but they're both roughly equivalent in terms of relative life state and maturity? Is that an issue because the functionally immortal one has had maybe like a century more lived experience over their partner, or is it okay because they're both basically adults at the same stage by both their respective species standards?

All across the board, I think it's one of those things you have to take on a case by case basis.

 

[zippy]

I personally don’t write them. No reason in particular as to why but it just isn’t something that interests me. Although I don’t think it’s wrong or bad to do so.

Keep in mind, this is role play. I would find it hypocritical to judge when people create characters for murderers, vicious gang members, racists, or other people who generally aren’t viewed as socially acceptable. Sure there may be those who are using this as a self insert fantasy, but I doubt the rates are any higher than self inserts for other character types.

On RPN at least, I’ve seen threads where these RP relationships are requested. Without fail, they’ve been treated as taboo rather than someone trying to normalize that sort of relationship. And most I’ve seen do not do large age gaps with characters under 18.

it’s simply a way to explore a different kind of character interaction. No more toxic than a RP asking for a detectivexdetective where one detective is actually the serial killer theyre looking for.

Writing something does not mean you condone it in real life. It’s an exercise in creativity.

 

[Idea]

I think it depends on the kind of "romance" we're talking about. From an adults side (18+) I believe romantic feelings should be, in good taste, directed at other adults or at most someone who is like 17 (which is illegal, but the difference is minimal in terms of their actual development). This applies physically and mentally separately. For instance, what's known as a "legal loli" character in an anime I believe would be fine to have a purely romantic relationship with, but given they look like children physical attraction wouldn't suit it.

From a kid's side, things become a lot more flexible. Puppy crushes are more relationships of admiration than romance, though they often express themselves in similar fashion to romantic feelings, so a puppy crush relationship between kids, romantic between teens, or either kind of attraction one-sided from kid to adult is I believe perfectly fine.

That said, even those relationships I find less fine I wouldn't have an issue with someone RPing, I just wouldn't participate in it myself.

 

[Nue]

I was poking fun at the person who thought a 25 year old being with a 50 year old was creepy. These topics are always so uptight and everyone rushes to denounce anything and everything like a bandwagon. lol

Lol I was just saying I thought it was creepy, if you don't, then that's your problem. This thread was asking for opinions on age gap romances and to give mine, I had to explain my thoughts on age gaps in general, no one was rushing to 'denounce' anything lmao

 

[still watching fma]

Lol I was just saying I thought it was creepy, if you don't, then that's your problem. This thread was asking for opinions on age gap romances and to give mine, I had to explain my thoughts on age gaps in general, no one was rushing to 'denounce' anything lmao

I don't really mind what you do as long as you don't harm others, but yes, I find most of you act like moral busybodies. It's just an observation more than anything.

 

[Nue]

I don't really mind what you do as long as you don't harm others, but yes, I find most of you act like moral busybodies. It's just an observation more than anything.

Uhh, alright. I kinda don't see what it had to do with what I was saying, but carry on, I suppose ^^

 

[Sega]

I personally think people judge it too much. Anything above 20 for me goes with w h a t e v e r age gap. Age gaps are realistic. I've got friends and acquiantances who date lots older people than them because they either like it, or fell in love with that person for their personality. Yeah, gaps of 17 years and even as far as 30. No joke.

I'm 22, I've personally crushed on 40yo men. Whether someone approves or disapproves of age gap romances, they are still real and existing, and as long as both partners are of consensual age there should be no problem with them.