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Fantasy Aedighar [closed]

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Proven True.
Chapter CLII
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar ​

It had to be her, Carlys was sure of it. The last time that she had seen Lady Sarisa Bryne had been years ago, since she’d never accompanied her parents to Wheldrake or Santrella when they’d visited. In her mind, Sarisa was a young girl whose face she could barely remember. Carlys wasn’t even sure why she was so certain that this was her, since she barely remembered the girl, but it made sense in her mind.

After one of Leanah’s handmaidens had been let go, Carlys couldn’t help but look at Sarisa with suspicion. It was first her name that made Carlys’ curiosity peak, and it only grew when nobody could tell her anything about the girl apart from her being involved with Sir Arthor. But she had the name, she had the hair and the eyes. It had to be her, or else this was a massive coincidence.

Eventually, Carlys couldn’t quite let go of the curiosity and she ordered her guards to find Sarisa and bring her to her. Judging by the letters she’d received, as had other Lords and Ladies across the lands, the Brynes were quite keen on getting their only heir back to them. If this was Sarisa Bryne, then all Carlys knew was that she couldn’t leave Santrella. She didn’t want to give her parents the happiness of seeing their child again. Or, more likely, save them from the embarrassment that was the lack of an heir.

With a cup of wine in her hands, Carlys sat by the table while awaiting her arrival. Perhaps Sarisa would run, but she doubted it. Where would she go? And perhaps she liked Sir Arthor enough to stay here, so Carlys didn’t doubt that Sarisa would come and talk to Carlys. It wasn’t like she’d given Sarisa a reason to fear her or suspect that Carlys knew who she was, or thought that she did.

When there was a knock on the door, Carlys told whoever to walk in. She was quite comfortably seated, so Carlys figured that they could just open the door themselves. It almost seemed like Sarisa was nervous when she walked into her room. Carlys had heard of her attitude, and she almost expected her to say something harsh straight away.

“Wine?”

At that, Sarisa nodded and thanked her. Carlys gestured towards the empty chair and the wine cup and pitcher on the table. There was no need to question her like a prisoner, they were here to have a conversation. With every passing second, Carlys thought that the young girl in her mind looked more and more like the woman that was in front of her now.

“How are you?” Carlys asked as she leant back, sipping her wine.

"Nervous. I have an idea of why I am here."

“Do you?”

"But I'm not certain."

“I just want to talk with you,” Carlys shrugged, “I like to know who my daughter spends her days with.”

"Your daughter is lovely. I enjoy working for her."

Obviously Sarisa probably knew that Carlys suspected something, but seeing her so nervous was quite amusing. She thought that they could drag this on forever, but Carlys planned on reaching the point of the conversation soon enough. That could wait a little while longer, of course.

“I’m happy to hear that. Tell me about yourself, Sarisa. You’ve been here for weeks and yet I know almost nothing about you.”

"I came to Santrella after the war, but I suppose there is no need for me to speak of tragedies now."

“Where did you come from?”

"I think you already know that."

“You think so?”

As far as Carlys knew, Sarisa was trying to pretend to be from the East. She was quite lucky that most in Santrella hadn’t traveled far away from the South, because they’d easily tell by her voice that she was about as Eastern as Carlys herself. What confused her was how Elias hadn’t noticed, or had he after all? Carlys would’ve expected him to at least tell her about it.

“Yes.”

“You’re from the East, are you not?”

"Do you believe that?"

“What do you think?”

"I think you know the truth."

“How I’m the only one is the surprising part here. You’re not doing a very good job at lying, Sarisa.”

"But I'm not lying for the sake of winning someone's trust. I'm lying for my own sake as I have no pride regarding my real heritage."

The reason why she was lying didn’t exactly interest Carlys. What was in her interests was that her heritage wouldn’t come out. Of course, now everyone was quite oblivious, but Carlys imagined that over time her lies would fall apart in front of her. Then word would spread quickly and reach her parents, and Gods only know what they would think of this.

“Nobody would benefit if people would find out. It’s not just about your pride.”
 
The blissful haze of living in Santrella had come to an end.

Sarisa should have known better than to let Arthor pull her into his world and the Hastwyck household. The constant lies were growing difficult to manage, and now she sat with Lady Carlys who certainly recognised her. One day it would happen sooner or later, but Sarisa hadn’t expected it to happen so quickly. It had only been a few weeks, and her cover was blown. Now she assumed her parents would be informed or perhaps she would be met by the isolated world of the dungeons where she would be kept for the rest of her life.

“Well I assumed you would want to inform my parents, but perhaps we’re on the same page here.”

"Why would I do that?"

“To my defence, I have no idea what you’re like, Lady Carlys,” Sarisa said before taking a sip of her wine.

"You should know that your parents and I don't exactly share a friendship with one another."

“We have something in common then.”

No one could hate her parents more than what she did. Sarisa despised them with all her heart, and she knew if she got a chance to betray them, have them hanged or executed, she would not let that chance go away. In a way she had already betrayed them by leaving Aeredale and leaving them with no heir to sit in the West once they would pass, but Sarisa was also aware of her connection to Brynden, and she thought he wouldn’t hesitate to give the West to her if her parents were to be executed for their imprisonment of Elysa and alliance to Trevas.

"I'm glad to hear that,” Carlys said and took a sip of her wine.

“I’d like for us to be on the same page. I wouldn’t want anyone to find out about me, and if that is what you think is for the better, then I am glad that we agree.”

"It is, so you should learn to lie better and act like a handmaiden, not a lady."

Though panic rushed through her veins, Sarisa had expected Carlys to scold her and order her guards to take her away, and it surprised her that they were seemingly working together now. She was aware that she hadn’t been a good liar, but Arthor was gullible, and Lady Leanah seemed to caught up in her child and her marriage to care about the lack of manners Sarisa had. If she wanted this to work out, though, she had to take Carlys’ advice and words, and use it in an effort to keep her identity hidden.

“I will.”

"There's the problem of Elias, though. He'll recognise you, if he hasn't already."

Now Sarisa felt lost again. Elias was someone she had forgotten about during the few first weeks of living in the castle. One day she had seen him walking from the library, and she was glad that he hadn’t seen her trying to hide behind one of the walls in the hallway. Elias had been with her in the North. He had been there when they had gotten ambushed, and Sarisa was certain that he would recognise her right away.

“I could speak to him. Tell him to keep my secret,” Sarisa shrugged.

"If he can keep it a secret, that is."

“If he can’t, then send me somewhere else to be.”

"Let's just hope that he keeps his mouth shut,” Carlys smiled.

At that, Sarisa nodded while taking a sip of her wine. Carlys wouldn’t tell anyone, but now Sarisa knew there was a chance that Elias would see her and tell everyone about her. If she came across him in the hallway again, she would make her presence known and explain to him how important it was for her identity to stay hidden, but she didn’t know Elias. For all she knew he could end up telling everyone. Gods, Sarisa didn’t even want to think about what Arthor would say if he found out. Perhaps she should tell him?

"Just play your part and everything will be alright."

“So you’re going to keep me here as your daughter’s handmaiden?”

"It's the safest thing for both you and I."

“And if I would ever want to leave?”

Carlys only smiled and took a sip of her wine, and now Sarisa understood that she wasn’t here because she wanted to. Now she was stuck in the Hastwyck household. It wasn’t exactly what she had wanted, but she assumed if she would get in trouble, she could send a letter to Brynden.

“Fair enough.”

"I'm glad we understand each other."

“Of course. I’m not like my parents.”

"Hopefully."

“Trust me, or speak to Lord Brynden. He knows I’m not.”

"I'll trust your word."

“Thank you.”

Now Sarisa figured she would have to send a letter to Brynden. Perhaps that would be wrong of her to do, but she could at least inform him of where she was and of her current situation of being stuck with the Hastwycks. She hadn’t sent him a single letter, and maybe he thought she was dead. If anything there was a chance he had forgotten about her. Sarisa wasn’t sure, but the longer she thought about it, the more she understood how foolish she would be for contacting him. She wouldn’t send him any letter.
 
Though Carlys didn’t doubt that Elias wouldn’t shout Sarisa’s true identity from the highest tower in Santrella, she also knew that him and Arthor were inseparable. She figured that eventually Elias would tell Arthor and then Gods know if Arthor was smart enough to not let the news spread. After everything, Carlys was seriously doubting how smart her sworn shield truly was.

There was a chance that Sarisa was lying about everything, but Carlys didn’t think that was true. Still, it would be much safer to have her stay here in Santrella unless something would change. Sarisa was obviously on their side, judging on her actions during the war, but you could never be safe enough these days. Turncloaks were everywhere and Carlys wanted to see just how trustworthy Sarisa really was.

Perhaps after her parents would be out of the picture, Sarisa could return to the West and rule there. Carlys thought that would be quite good for everyone involved. An alliance between the West and the South would be guaranteed for many years to come. That wouldn’t happen as long as the other Brynes were alive, though. Surely something could be done about that.

“Is there anything else you’d like to get off of your chest?”

"I don't think so."

“I’d like for us to have no lies between us. Obviously you see that lying to me won’t last long.”

"Can you tell me something about Sir Arthor then?"

At that, Carlys raised her eyebrow and chuckled a little. She’d heard of Sarisa’s involvement with the knight, and she figured it wouldn’t end well. Since Sarisa wasn’t her daughter, she wasn’t too worried about her feelings getting hurt, but Carlys didn’t think it’d be wrong of her to let Sarisa know how unsuitable Arthor was for any woman. Though obviously Carlys couldn’t tell her everything.

“What do you want to know?”

"He seems very close to your daughter."

“He is.”

"And he seems close to the child."

“Seems so, yes.”

That wasn’t something that Carlys liked, but it was ultimately the decision of Leanah. She had stopped trying to involve herself in their privates lives, as it was obvious that they would never listen to her anyways. No matter how much it angered her, Carlys tried to not think too much about it and just let them live their lives. There wasn’t anything she could do, so there was no reason for her to worry about it too much.

"He told me that they're just friends, but I don't know."

“You don’t believe it?”

"I don't."

“Why’s that?”

Carlys doubted that she should be the one to tell Sarisa this story or even if she should know of it at all. It was difficult and Carlys didn’t think it was wise for more people to know about this. Then again, what would Sarisa do with that information? Hold it over their heads? That wouldn’t work out for her, and Carlys figured that Sarisa wouldn’t be that dumb, if she would find out about it now or later.

"I suppose I just find it difficult to believe because of what I have seen."

“What have you seen?”

"The both of them playing with Connas. Laying on the floor together, and I suppose I find it a little strange how close they were."

“He’s been working for me for almost two decades now. I’m not thrilled about how close he is with Leanah, but it is to be expected. Did you not have a favourite guard as a child?”

Not being thrilled about it was an understatement. Carlys was getting better at minding her own business, but it still made her angry whenever she saw them together. She thought it was stupid of Leanah, honestly, but Carlys didn’t interfere anymore. It wouldn’t bring them anywhere, anyways, so there was no point. It was Leanah’s decision to stay close to him, no matter how foolish it was.

"Oh, I had my fair share of favourite guards, but we were never friends."

“Well, the situation between Leanah and Arthor is complicated, and I’m not the one who should tell you about it.”

“Can Arthor be trusted, though?”

“As a guard, yes. As whatever he is to you, probably not.”

If Arthor had hurt Leanah like he had, then Carlys didn’t doubt he’d do it again to Sarisa. Now, Carlys wasn’t entirely sure what was between Arthor and Leanah right now, and she figured that she didn’t want to find out. Either way, Arthor was undoubtedly going to hurt somebody, and it would likely be Sarisa. At least Carlys had warned her beforehand.

"Why not?"

“Why don’t you ask him?”

"He hasn't told me anything about himself or his past, but now I'm curious."

“He won’t tell you unless you force it out of him,” Carlys chuckled and shrugged, “good luck with talking to Arthor. You’ll need it.”
 
Everything had been perfect with Arthor. They were intimate, and Sarisa was convinced that they shared something special. Neither of them had said anything about it, but she thought that they had an unspoken thing between them. Sarisa hadn’t spent a single day with another man after meeting Arthor, and too often did she imagine herself in silly scenarios with him. He was her saviour and the man she had come to care so much for. And now Carlys was slowly, but surely destroying the perfect image Sarisa had of him.

Leanah and Arthor were complicated.

Those were her words, and Sarisa wondered what it meant. Carlys didn’t want to be the one to tell her about it? She wondered if her suspicions were right. Were they romantically or sexually involved with each other? The thought alone angered Sarisa since Arthor had told her they were just friends. Jealousy crept up on her as she took a last sip of her wine, and Carlys told her about how she couldn’t trust Arthor, warning her that she would have to force him to talk. Did she even know Arthor? Gods, how stupid had she been?

“So you’re telling me that I can’t trust Arthor, and that he is most likely lying to me or hiding something from me?”

"Definitely."

“I should try to find him,” Sarisa mumbled.

"I think you should. I'm sure there's a lot you don't know."

“Would you mind if I left now? I’m sure we’ll talk sometime soon.”

"I'm sure, too. There's a lot to discuss."

Sarisa rose from her chair with a smile, thanked Carlys for the conversation and the wine before she walked towards the door to leave the room. Now she had one goal in mind, and that was to find Arthor. Carlys seemed like a woman she could trust. If anyone knew Arthor, it would be her. Knowing that he was untrustworthy and likely hiding something from her made Sarisa angry as Arthor had been so perfect in her mind. Perhaps everything they had shared meant nothing to him. Either way, Sarisa wanted to know the truth.

The walk to his room didn’t take long, but Sarisa stopped outside the door, wondering if there was a chance Carlys wasn't honest with her. Arthor seemed like a wonderful man. He had shown her so much care, given her a place to work and a bed to sleep in. Sarisa didn’t want him to be a horrible man.

As soon as Sarisa opened the door to his chamber, her heart sank to her stomach. There he sat at the edge of his bed with Lady Leanah on his lap, sharing a kiss with her. In a moment of disbelief, she stood there and stared at them. Arthor pulled away from the kiss he had shared with Leanah, meeting her gaze, but Sarisa wanted to fucking kill him. With a scoff, she slammed the door shut. Now she had the answers she needed. Arthor was a liar, and he couldn’t be trusted. Sarisa wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

Sarisa didn’t get far before she heard the door open and footsteps following her. How could he have lied to her? She knew she wasn’t truthful with him either, but that didn’t make their relationship less genuine. She was still the same woman she had always been, and she hadn’t been with anyone else. Arthor had lied to her about his relationship to Lady Leanah, and Sarisa turned around to see him but only so she could close the distance between them and slap her hand harshly against his cheek.

"Alright, I deserve that."

“Fuck you.”

“Sarisa,” Arthor said.

“No, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear your fucking pathetic apologies or excuses.”

"Sarisa, it's complicated."

“I don’t care,” she scoffed.

The last person she wanted to be with right now was Arthor, and she turned around and started walking away from him. For all she cared he could go be with Lady Leanah, but she wanted nothing to do with him. Sarisa wanted to leave Santrella, but she assumed that Carlys wouldn’t allow that.

"You can't tell anyone,” Arthor said as he tried to keep up with her.

“I’ll tell everyone in Santrella that you’re busy spending your days between Lady Leanah’s thighs.”

“Sarisa,” he said and grabbed onto her arm.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” Sarisa muttered and tried to yank her arm out of his grip.

"Then don't run away from me."

Arthor didn’t let go of her arm, and Sarisa kept struggling against his grip as she raised her other hand to hit it against his face.

"Calm down,” he said and grabbed onto her other wrist.

“Let go of me.”

"If you promise that we'll talk."

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

Sarisa wanted to go to her chamber and figure out a way to handle this situation. It hurt to know that Arthor had someone else that he shared something intimate with. A part of her had thought that they were sharing something special, but it was very clear to her now that they hadn’t.
 
It had been another nice afternoon with Leanah until it wasn’t anymore. The door opening took both of them by surprise, and it became even worse when it was Sarisa. Arthor had flashbacks to when Leanah had seen him with Elias, but it seemed like Sarisa was furious with him because of this. He just didn’t want her to tell anyone, since it would absolutely ruin Leanah.

Really, Arthor didn’t like hurting Sarisa and holding her as tight as he was, but what choice did he have? For all he knew, she might run off and truly tell everyone what she’d seen. That wasn’t an option and Arthor would do anything he had to to keep it from happening. Nobody could know about what Leanah was doing with him, it was enjoyable, but it was obviously wrong and would be frowned upon.

“I won’t let you go until we talk,” Arthor said sternly, “you can be as angry as you want, but we need to talk.”

“Okay.”

“Good,” Arthor mumbled, sighing from relief, “not here, obviously.”

This wasn’t a conversation to be had in a hallway. Really, Arthor would prefer to never have it, but he figured that his lies were over now. Though he did see himself and Leanah as friends, he couldn’t deny that there was something else between them that had been long forgotten.

Then Sarisa yanked her hands away from him, and Arthor let her this time. She assumed she would cooperate with him and wouldn’t run off. Arthor walked with her towards her room in silence, while he tried to figure out where to even start with this. He figured he’d have to calm down Leanah afterwards, but that he didn’t worry about just yet. Now he just had to make sure that Sarisa wouldn’t murder him in his sleep.

The silence was painful, really. Arthor could see Sarisa slipping out of his grasp, and he really hated that. Over the weeks they’d known each other, Arthor had grown fond of her. They shared a bond and they had something special. Lately, he’d even started thinking about stupid things involving Sarisa, but now that was all seemingly over.

Once they reached her room and stepped inside, Sarisa moved far away from him. Arthor closed the door behind himself and realised that he’d very much failed to think of something what to say. He had to tell her everything now, he was sure of it, but, fuck, he really didn’t want to. Sarisa had already grown suspicious because of what she’d walked in on previously, so Arthor knew there was no way he could lie himself out of this.

“I would’ve told you everything eventually.”

"That doesn't matter."

“I don’t have an excuse. Leanah and I are just stupid, really. It’s more my fault than hers, obviously.”

“Okay.”

“Sarisa,” Arthor sighed and stepped towards her.

After seeing how good they were together, Arthor didn’t want to lose her. Gods, if he had to try and stop whatever he and Leanah had, he would. It would be difficult, but Arthor would try for her. He didn’t want to know her reaction to him being with Elias, but it wasn’t like she’d find out about that now. Maybe Arthor would tell her eventually, if she would stay with him, but definitely not now.

When Sarisa stepped away, Arthor resisted the urge to grab her and yank her to him. That would likely not go over too well and she’d just struggle again. He didn’t want that. Arthor would try to stay calm and just try to explain himself as well as he could, so Sarisa could at least understand why he was such an idiot.

“It started a while back, after her brother had died. I was stupid and she was upset. It was a mistake and it should’ve never happened.”

"And even when we started being with each other, you kept seeing her. That doesn't make me feel very good."

Just because Arthor was seeing Leanah, didn’t mean that he didn’t have feelings for Sarisa. It wasn’t as though they had ever agreed to not see other people on the side. Arthor would’ve reminded her of that, had it not been for how angry she seemed to be.

“I like you, Sarisa, I really do. It’s like I keep getting dragged back to Leanah, though,” Arthor mumbled.

"You could have told me when I asked you. Instead you lied."

“I told you we were friends and that is what we are, really. We’re not lovers, we’re not like that anymore.”

"You're pathetic."

“I know.”

“Good.”

Perhaps Arthor shouldn’t have said that. But it was difficult for him to explain what exactly this was between him and Leanah. It wasn’t like it used to be, but they weren’t exactly friends, either. It was difficult, he didn’t understand it so there was no way for him to explain it to Sarisa either. It had to be because of Connas, since it had started because of all of this.

“I’m sorry that you found out like this. I would’ve told you, I really would have. I just didn’t know how to even begin to explain it.”

"Fuck you."

“Sarisa, I know you’re angry with me and that’s fine. I can’t control my feelings, not towards you and not towards her. I can’t help it if I still feel something for her after everything.”
 
The anger rushing through her veins blinded Sarisa. All she saw was the man who had lied to her — the man she couldn’t trust. Arthor had been someone special to her, but she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Especially not now that he told her about not being able to control his feelings towards Leanah. Sarisa didn’t want to be some woman for him to use to get over Leanah or be the attempt for him to move on from her. That wasn’t fair, and she failed to see how he thought this would work in the long run.

“But I’m not some whore for you to use when Leanah isn’t there for you to fuck,” Sarisa yelled at him.

"That's not what you are to me."

“What would you have done if I slept with other men now?”

"I would've been upset, probably. I wouldn't do anything, though."

If anything this situation reminded her too much of what had happened with Brynden. It wasn’t quite the same as she hadn’t been as close with Brynden, but he had sent her away, and now she wanted to send Arthor away. She shook her head as she turned her back to him, crossing her arms in front of her chest as she walked over to her desk. Arthor could go be with Leanah.

"I'm sorry, Sarisa. I didn't want to hurt you,” Arthor said, and she heard his footsteps come closer to her.

“It doesn’t matter. You can go be with Leanah.”

"I don't want to."

“Too bad.”

"If you want me to stop what I have with Leanah, I will."

“I don’t care. I can’t trust you.”

Arthor could do whatever he wanted. Sarisa didn’t care anymore as he had already broken her trust. Now she only wished that she hadn’t grown so attached to him, but she realised that she didn’t even know who he was. All she knew was that he worked here for Lady Carlys and that he had an affair with Lady Leanah. Why had she been pathetic enough to think that they would share something together? It was obvious that they weren’t on the same page, and she had expected him to only be dedicated to her like she was dedicated to him.

"I'm never going to lie to you, Sarisa."

“I don’t believe you.”

"I promise you."

“Well, I don’t fucking believe you, Arthor,” she said, turning around to face him.

"I don't want to lose you now, Sarisa. Please."

Instead of answering him, Sarisa pushed Arthor away from her. Tears were prickling in her eyes at how fucking angry she felt with him. She didn’t want to see him right now because of how he had lied to her. Neither could he control his feelings towards Leanah, and she didn’t want to be in the middle of them.

"I want you, Sarisa. We're so good together."

“But you have feelings for Leanah. I don’t want to be in the middle of you and someone else.”

"I can try to push those feelings away. I want you."

This was all becoming too much for Sarisa, and she took a step away from him. Did he truly want her? Carlys had warned her that she couldn’t trust him, and that had become clear when she had caught him with Leanah. But Arthor didn’t seem to get the hint that she didn’t want to be around him.

"It'll never happen again."

“Get away from me,” Sarisa mumbled.

"Please."

Sarisa didn’t have anything to say to Arthor. Instead she raised her hands to cover her face as she didn’t want him to see her so vulnerable. A quiet sob left her lips. Why had she been so stupid? She should have known from the start that Arthor wasn’t a person she could trust. It had all been too perfect. There was no way that Arthor could have been the perfect man for her in any way. They had been good together, but now that she knew the truth that he had been with Leanah behind her back or with her behind Leanah’s back, Sarisa couldn’t handle it.

“Sarisa.”

As a burst of anger rushed through her again, Sarisa pulled her hands away from her face and closed the distance between them so she could slap her hand against his cheek again. Since there was no reaction from Arthor, she continued to hit her hands against his chest and shoulders. Now she didn’t care about the tears that ran down her cheeks as she tried to hurt Arthor. But then he grabbed her wrists and said her name again, and Sarisa looked up at him with wide eyes. Gods, she wanted him to leave.

“You’re cruel.”

"What?"

“You are cruel.”

"I'm sorry, Sarisa. I never wanted to hurt you."

But he had hurt her. Sarisa almost didn’t want to admit that she had let Arthor hurt her as badly as he had. It was clear to her that she had feelings for him. That was obvious since she hadn’t slept with anyone else while being with him. That was why it hurt so much to know that he had feelings for another woman that he had been with behind her back. Sarisa shook her head at his words, looking away from him as she struggled against his grip.
 
It hurt more than Arthor had expected when he saw her cry. He wanted to fix this, but Arthor felt like he had definitely fucked everything up now. Surely Sarisa wouldn’t stay in Santrella anymore after this. She’d just grab her things and leave, to resume living in inns again. Arthor should’ve expected this, really. He always ruined everything eventually. Of course this wouldn’t last.

Obviously it was all his fault. Arthor should’ve been more considerate, but he hadn’t really thought about any feelings getting hurt because of this. He was so used to Elias and Leanah not caring too much, that he didn’t really expect Sarisa to be different. That had really ruined everything now, and Arthor was almost ready to just give up and leave her alone, as that was what she so badly wanted.

“I’m so sorry.”

"I thought we had something special."

“We still have it.”

"But I don't want to be with you if you like Leanah, and I can't force you to drop her for me."

“I would.”

If they could manage to get back to only being friends, then Arthor would do that for Sarisa. He still wanted to be apart of Connas’ life, though, so he had to be close to Leanah. Now Arthor could only hope that he wouldn’t hurt Leanah by doing this. Fuck, it was complicated, but he had brought this all upon himself and he had nobody else to blame for this.

"But I don't know if you're still hiding something from me."

“You can ask me about anything and I’ll be completely honest to you.”

"Is Leanah the only one?"

“The only one?”

"Is Leanah the only one you've been with while you've been with me?"

There hadn’t been any whores, but there was the problem with Elias. Arthor really didn’t want to have that conversation now or really ever, but he felt it creeping up on him and he didn’t know a way out of it. Of course he could lie, but he didn’t want to do that. Arthor genuinely liked Sarisa and he wanted to be honest with her. He was sure that she would hate him after this even more, though.

“No.”

Perhaps Sarisa wouldn’t ask any further questions, or at least Arthor hoped so. Instead of saying anything, she walked over to her bed and just laid down. It hurt Arthor to see her like this, because it was the complete opposite of what he was used to. He hated to know that it had been him that caused her to feel like this. Arthor just wanted to fix this, but he didn’t know if that was even possible.

“I’m sorry,” Arthor mumbled, stepping a little closer to the bed.

“I have only been with you.”

All Arthor could say to that was another plain apology. He knew that Sarisa deserved better than him, but he selfishly wanted to be with her still. It was just like it had been with Leanah a while ago. Arthor hated this, but he wanted Sarisa in his life so badly. She was so good to him. His apology got no answer and that somehow made Arthor feel even worse.

“I’ve been with others, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel something towards you.”

"But it means you can't be faithful."

“It’s not like I’ve been sleeping with whores.”

“Who?”

“What?”

"Who have you slept with then?"

Arthor didn’t want to tell her, but now he had gotten himself into a corner and there wasn’t really another choice. He wanted to save this, and honesty had to be the only way to do that. Arthor didn’t know if it would work out even then, but at least he would’ve tried. Gods, it was so hard to say it, though. He’d only ever had to tell Leanah, but this was Sarisa and he wasn’t that close to her yet.

“Leanah.”

"You just said she wasn't the only one?"

“She’s not, but does it really matter?”

"I guess not."

“The point is, I’m sorry. I didn’t think this would happen.”

“Okay.”

It didn’t sound like Sarisa was very open to forgiving him, but Arthor didn’t want to give up on her. He wanted this, he needed her. They were good together and Sarisa made him happy. Arthor sat down on the edge of the bed and carefully touched her shoulder and to his surprise Sarisa didn’t pull away. He almost expected her to push his hands off of herself and command him to leave at this instant, but she didn’t.

"Do you want me to be yours?"

“Yes.”

“I doubt that as I haven’t been honest with you.”

So Arthor hadn’t been the only one with secrets. If whatever Sarisa was keeping from him was big enough, then perhaps they could just move on from this. If it wouldn’t completely turn Arthor off of her, though. He doubted it, however. Arthor couldn’t imagine what she could be hiding from him, but he doubted that it was anything that would make him want to leave her this instant.

“What are you talking about?”
 
They could be together.

Sarisa hadn’t always wanted to settle down with someone. The thought of her parents giving her away to some Lord that would get to do whatever he wanted to her had always frightened her. Now that she was on her own, Sarisa didn’t despise the thought of settling down. Arthor had seemed like the man she wanted to be with. He was handsome and kind, but after his lies, she figured that she couldn’t trust him. In the end, Arthor couldn’t trust her either. She wasn’t from the East, and though Carlys had told her not to tell anyone, she craved honesty.

No matter how much Sarisa wanted Arthor, everything seemed to go against them. She knew that he would want to leave as soon as she told him the truth. At least they could agree that it was for the better if they ended their relationship. They couldn’t trust each other, and she doubted that Arthor would be faithful.

“I lied to you, but I did it for myself. I wanted to forget my past, so I made up a story to forget the truth.”

"What?"

“I’m not from the East,” Sarisa sighed and sat up so she could look at him.

Arthor looked rather confused, but she continued, “my brother was Justan Bryne.”

The hand Arthor had held against her shoulder was gone, and Sarisa didn’t try to pull him back to her. She grew silent once he looked away from her. The story she had told about her parents was still true. Everything she had shared with had been genuine, but perhaps it was for the better if he grew to dislike her now since she couldn’t trust him. At least that was her goal as it would be easier for them to move on now if Arthor hated her. She had lied to him about her identity, but Sarisa thought he deserved that as he had lied to her.

“So I’m the heir to the West,” she mumbled.

Since Arthor didn’t say anything, Sarisa didn’t bother to try to say anything to him. She only looked at him while sitting there at the bed. He rose from the bed, but she let him as she didn’t expect him to stay with her or want her to belong to him anymore. There was nothing to be said about the situation, so she stayed quiet and laid down against the bed again, tearing her gaze away from him. Even when she heard him walk away from the bed, Sarisa didn’t look back at him. But fuck, a part of her still longed for him. She wanted to be his.

“What I said about my parents is true, though.”

"So? You're still going to inherit the West."

“No. I will never leave Santrella, and I don’t want the West.”

"Why not? You'll be rich and happy there."

“Because I hate it there. I hate my parents, and I hate what they did to my brother and me. That is why I ran away,” Sarisa said and sat up again so she could look over at him.

"What if they die, what happens then? Are you just going to let some nobody get the West?"

“I don’t fucking care what happens to the West.”

For all she cared, some nobody could get the West and Sarisa wouldn’t care. She wanted nothing to do with Aeredale, and she knew if she would change her mind that Brynden would most likely give the West to her. For now, she didn’t want to think about Aeredale. Not that Lady Carlys would even let her leave to fulfil her parents need for an heir. Perhaps if they died her opinion would change, but that didn’t matter right now. It did sound tempting to take the West for herself, but not while her parents were alive.

It was conflicting, and Sarisa watched as Arthor leaned against the wall.

“Well, I can leave and take the West now. We will never have to see each other again.”

But Arthor didn’t say anything. Instead he looked away from her with his eyes staring down at the floor. Sarisa wasn’t sure what to do. She wanted Arthor, but he couldn’t be trusted. Arthor wanted her, but she was the heir of the West, and she knew that one day she could end up taking Aeredale for herself. Either way, it was complicated, and Sarisa still thought that she had to push her feelings aside to find a good solution to this.

"I don't want you to go,” he mumbled.

“But we clearly can’t trust each other. Isn’t it better if we end this?”

"I don't want this to end. I want you."

“And I want you, but it is so complicated.”

"I know,” Arthor groaned.

“What should we do?”

What could they even do about this? Sarisa wasn’t sure if there was anything they could do. Arthor looked at her, and Sarisa rose from the bed to walk over to him. They wanted each other, but perhaps they had rushed into this too fast. Everything had seemed so blissful, but it had all been built on lies no matter how genuine it had been.
 
It should’ve been obvious that this had been too good to be true. Arthor should’ve known something about her story didn’t add up, but he was so stupid. She was the heir of the fucking West. It seemed like Arthor kept being drawn to people he couldn’t have, and it was starting to be annoying. This was so stupid.

They had both lied and that wasn’t alright. Arthor didn’t know if he would feel comfortable with Sarisa after finding out about this, and he wasn’t sure if Sarisa would ever be able to trust him. He still hadn’t told her about Elias, after all. This was all so complicated. The only thing Arthor knew for sure was that his feelings for her were genuine and that he wanted her. He wanted this.

When Sarisa rose from the bed and walked over to him, Arthor couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. He couldn’t stop thinking about everything they’d shared together and how he wanted her around him all the time. Now that Arthor might lose her, he found that thought unbearable. Even if she was the heir of the West, Arthor wanted her so badly that he was willing to ignore it and pretend. After all, Sarisa said that she didn’t want anything to do with it.

"It is probably for the better if we ended this, but I want to be yours."

“It would be better, probably smarter to do that,” Arthor mumbled.

"Lady Carlys knows about me. We wouldn't have to hide, just so you know."

“Elias knows you and I’ve told him about you. He’ll think I’m so stupid,” Arthor sighed, gently hitting the back of his head against the wall behind him.

That would surely happen. Now Arthor would tell him of this and Elias would just be disappointed in him for doing all of this shit again. Apparently, fucking one Lady wasn’t enough for him. Gods, Arthor was so stupid. But he couldn’t help himself and his desire for her. Arthor wanted Sarisa and he’d made it clear, but this was all so complicated.

"The only thing I will ask of you and Elias is to keep my identity a secret. Please. I don't want my parents to find out that I'm here."

“Are you staying?”

"Well, I don't fucking know."

“Sorry.”

Obviously Arthor had gotten his hopes up there. They hadn’t decided on anything and all the signs pointed to Sarisa leaving. He wouldn’t force her to stay, he couldn’t do that anyways, but Arthor hoped that she would. Of course it would be hard for him to deal with the fact that she was much higher than him in status, but he’d done it before so he could do it again. This was a much different situation than the one with Leanah, anyways. Sarisa was refusing her claim, and that was good for Arthor.

"I have feelings for you. I want to be with you, but you have feelings for Leanah and I'm not who I said I was."

“I have feelings for you, too, Sarisa.”

When Sarisa kissed him, Arthor was sure that he couldn’t just let her go that easily. He couldn’t give up now and he didn’t want to. Arthor wanted to try his best to convince her to stay with him in whatever way he had to do that. He wanted to be with her, truly. Arthor moved his hands to cup her face as he kissed her back, sighing into the kiss. Sarisa pushed her body against his, grabbing onto his shoulders.

“I want you.”

"I'm yours."

At that, Arthor kissed her again, wrapping his arms around her waist so that he could hold her close against him. Her hands stroked up into his hair and Arthor dared to think that maybe everything would be alright after all. That is, until he’d fuck up the next time. That always seemed to happen, so Arthor expected it to happen soon. He doubted Sarisa was as forgiving as Leanah, though.

Too soon did Sarisa pull away, pressing her forehead against his instead. Arthor looked at her and moved one of his hands to cup her cheek, stroking his thumb against her skin gently. It would be difficult, undoubtedly, but Arthor wanted them to at least try. They were having so much fun together, and he didn’t want it to stop.

"I know I lied to you, but I don't want to be Sarisa Bryne. I don't want to be the heir to the West."

“Let’s just forget about that.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

Then Sarisa pulled away from him as they looked at each other. Arthor felt stupid for feeling so strongly towards her and ignoring how she’d lied about something so major, but he wanted her. It was foolish of him, no doubt, and it would probably be better to end it, but Arthor couldn’t leave her and he didn’t want her to leave him either. If Sarisa could ignore his mistake, then Arthor could forget about her identity just as easily.

“I want you to be mine.”

"And I want to be yours."

This was all making Arthor realise how much he truly cared about Sarisa and how deeply he felt for her. All it took was the possibility of losing her for him to realise that. Now that it seemed that things would be alright again, Arthor felt a massive weight lift from his shoulders. Sarisa was his.
 
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Over
Chapter CLIII
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar ​

As Connas continued to grow more eager to the world around him, Leanah found herself confused. Arthor had grown distant. They didn’t see each other as often as they had used to. Ever since Sarisa had walked in on them, it had all come to an end. Those feelings Leanah had for Arthor only made the situation a lot more complicated than what it was, but she tried her best to forget about him and the fact that Sarisa had seen them together. At least it didn’t seem like she had told anyone as no one were giving her strange looks or seeming suspicious.

Whenever Leanah was alone with Sarisa, she wanted to ask her what had happened, but they didn’t talk to each other anymore. All she could do was assume that Arthor had grown tired of her. He could have told her, but Leanah hadn’t really expected anything else from him. Gods, she was pathetic for still loving him.

After kissing Adian goodbye, Leanah sat down at the edge of the bed with her gaze towards the crib. Connas had fallen asleep. She would hear his peaceful breaths, and she walked across the room to look down at him. Perhaps Arthor didn’t want to see them anymore. A ray of endless questions rushed through her mind, and Leanah could feel her heart sinking to her stomach at the thought of Arthor not wanting to see them. If he wanted to stop whatever they were doing, he could have told her. They could have talked about it.

A sudden knock at the door brought Leanah out of her thoughts.

While expecting a handmaiden to stand behind the door, Leanah opened it with a smile that quickly disappeared when she saw Arthor. They hadn’t agreed to meet now, and she thought he was lucky that Adian wasn’t here with her, but Leanah wished that Adian had been there to give her an excuse not to see Arthor.

“Lady Leanah.”

“Sir Arthor.”

"Can we talk?"

“Yes.”

Leanah stepped away from the door, opening it to let Arthor inside. Once he walked inside, she closed the door and leaned against it. A part of her hoped that he would come over to her, embrace her before kissing her, but she scolded herself for thinking such thoughts about him. They were supposed to be friends, but what had happened between them lately had sparked up something in her that had made her crave his affection. Even if she loved Adian more than anything, she wanted Arthor.

"I'm sorry."

“It’s okay,” Leanah mumbled.

"Is it?"

When Arthor closed the distance between them, Leanah looked away. It would have been okay if he had told her a month ago that he no longer wanted to be intimate with her. Leaving her to hang without any answers had made her chest ache whenever she looked at Connas and was reminded of Arthor.

“It doesn’t matter.”

"It does."

“Not anymore. What we shared is over.”

"I should've talked with you, I know. I'm sorry."

“Don’t worry about it, Arthor.”

"I'm really sorry."

It no longer mattered that he hadn’t spoken to her about it. Leanah had tried her best to get over her feelings towards him, and they should have both stopped a long time ago. If anything it was for the better if they stopped seeing each other as if they were lovers. He could apologise if he wanted to, but Leanah thought she was already over him and what they had shared. They could continue to be friends no matter how difficult that would be. She didn’t want to be cruel and take away his option to see their son whenever he wanted to.

“Okay,” Leanah sighed

"I was thinking about Sarisa, not about you."

“Then think about her, not me. I don’t want you like that.”

"I don't want you to hate me for this, though."

“I don’t.”

"Good."

Leanah only nodded and stepped away from the door and Arthor. Since Connas was still asleep, she didn’t bother to go get him so she could distract herself with his company. She walked over to the bed to sit down at the edge of the mattress before she began playing with her fingers. Could he leave now?

"I should've told you about this straight away. I know that now."

“Well, it is too late to change that.”

"I know it is. I fucked up."

“Yes, you did.”

"She didn't want me to be with you like that anymore."

While Arthor spoke, Leanah prayed that Adian would come back and save her from this conversation that she did not want to have. Especially when he sat down next to her, she wished that she had the courage to tell him to leave her alone. She kept her gaze on her fingers while she thought that she no longer wanted to see Sarisa either. In a way, she felt as if she had taken Arthor from her, but it wasn’t a competition, and Leanah didn’t want Arthor like that. At least she tried to convince herself that she didn’t.

“Good. It’s for the better.”
 
It had been a mistake to not tell Leanah about the conversation he’d had with Sarisa. Arthor should’ve told her straight away that they couldn’t continue this anymore, but instead he’d just grown distant. It had seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but now Arthor realised that wasn’t true. He missed Leanah and he thought that he had hurt her by doing all of this, which was obvious when he actually spoke to her.

Granted, things with Sarisa were going quite well. She seemed happy and Arthor was glad that they’d cleared everything up. Though he didn’t quite share that happiness, because of how distant he was from Leanah and Connas these last few weeks. It was stupid, he felt stupid. Arthor felt like he was being a horrible friend to Leanah and a pathetic father to Connas.

“This wouldn’t have ended well anyways.”

“I know.”

After that conversation, Arthor realised that too well. Elias had told him that it was alright as long as they didn’t catch feelings, but that had happened and Arthor knew that it would’ve ended badly for both of them. He didn’t think Leanah felt that way, but Arthor knew himself and he knew that he would’ve done something stupid because of his feelings towards her.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.”

"I'm used to it by now."

Gods, Arthor was pathetic. He just kept hurting Leanah, even though he had thought he was on the right path now. Obviously that was stupid of him to think. He would never get better and he would never treat Leanah as good as she deserved. It had been stupid of him to think that this would all work out. Arthor was so toxic to everyone around him, and they all deserved so much better.

It had been the right decision to come to her and apologise and then they could just stop everything between them. That hadn’t really worked out before, but maybe this would be it. Leanah deserved to be happy with Adian and Connas, Arthor had no part in their lives and he didn’t want to keep upsetting everyone. He felt so uncomfortable in his own body now, he just felt disgusted with himself.

Surely it would be best if Arthor would at least try to leave their lives. He loved Leanah with all of his heart, but he would just keep hurting her. Connas would get hurt, too, and Arthor thought that it would be for the best if his son wouldn’t know him at all. Everyone would be happier that way, Arthor was sure of it. Maybe except him, but that didn’t really matter.

It wouldn’t hurt anyone if Arthor would look at him now, though. As Arthor raised up from the bed and walked over to the crib, looking at Connas just made him more sure that he’d be better off without Arthor being involved in his life in any way apart from being a guard. Obviously it hurt, but that was for the better. Arthor tried to not think about all the moments he’d shared with Leanah and Connas and how wonderful it had been, because all it did was make him upset and the last thing he wanted to do was cry now. It was stupid.

Now Arthor would distance himself from Leanah and Connas, then probably Sarisa and eventually Elias as well. Leanah and Connas had Adian, Sarisa could take the West once her parents would be gone and Elias could go to Wheldrake or whatever else he wanted. Arthor could stay working here until Lady Carlys would be gone and then he could leave Santrella, as he doubted Leanah would want him to stay. Not like he’d want to stay then. He deserved to be lonely and be forgotten by everyone else.

“Are you leaving?”

Her words brought him out of his thoughts and Arthor nodded a little, tearing his gaze away from Connas, “I probably should.”

"If you want to."

Did he? Of course not, but Arthor had to be selfless now. He just had to walk out of that door and then he would never ever hurt Leanah again. Arthor would miss her so much, but this time he wouldn’t budge. He’d promise that to himself. Though Arthor wanted her so badly, he would think about her and Connas’ wellbeing over his own. It would be for the best to let go of her and just be done with this.

It just took another look at Connas for Arthor decide that it was what he had to do now. At least he could do one good thing for his son now. They would be better off without him, and Arthor kept repeating that as he took his time while getting to the door. It hurt to leave them behind, but they would be so much happier. Leanah would get over it, undoubtedly.

When Arthor had come here, he had hoped they could remain friends, but now he was certain that that just wasn’t possible anymore. They were long past that point and Arthor doubted they could ever truly be friends. He had feelings for her, he knew that now and Arthor knew himself too well and he knew that he couldn’t be trusted. Arthor wanted to say something to her before leaving, but he couldn’t get him to do that, so he left the room quietly and without looking back.
 
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Apathy
Chapter CLIV
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar ​

Nothing had cut deeper than the scar Arthor left in her mind once he walked out the door.

Leanah could barely stand up. Whenever Connas cried, she felt apathetic. Seeing her reflection in the mirror made her realise that her eyes were hollow. Her chest felt the same. A constant ache that made her unable to breathe. Throughout the nights there were only sobs, and long cries as Leanah longed for Arthor.

At every knock on the door, Leanah prayed that Arthor had returned. They would spend the rest of the day together with Connas. She could take Connas with them to the gardens where they could lay a thin blanket over the grass and enjoy the hot weather. They would pick flowers, and Leanah would make another crown for Arthor. That never came, and Leanah only stared at the door as handmaidens and servants came and left, hoping that the man she loved would come and tell her that everything would be alright. They would be friends.

The sight of Sarisa was one she could not handle.

Those were the only times Leanah spoke up and told her to leave. With Adian, she had not said a word since Arthor had left her. No matter how hard Adian tried to comfort her, Leanah felt nothing when he touched her or spoke to her. If anything she wished that he would leave her alone to rot. She wanted Arthor.

Leanah laid beneath the blankets on the bed. Her face was deeply buried against the pillow when she heard Connas begin to cry. It cut deep in her heart when she did not have the energy to stand up. The sight of Connas would only remind her of Arthor. But she could hear Adian walk over to the crib to calm him down. Morbid thoughts rushed through her mind, and she wondered if Adian would care if she would no longer be with them. How difficult would it be to end her own life? She didn’t want to live without Arthor and their friendship.

While Adian grew busy with Connas, Leanah managed to get herself out of bed.

With an entirely different goal in mind than caring for Connas, Leanah walked over to the table they had towards the corner of the room. The pitcher of wine stood there. Leanah rarely drank wine, but now she longed for something to dull the pain. It didn’t take her long to fill her cup and take a long sip of the crimson liquid.

“Can I leave?” Leanah mumbled, keeping her eyes locked on the cup in her hand.

"What?"

“I want to leave.”

"Why?"

Leanah turned to look at Adian who held Connas in his arms. His sobs were quiet now while Adian hugged him, but she felt nothing as he looked over at them. They were supposed to be her family, but she wanted to get far away from them. If anything she wanted to unburden their lives by taking her own.

“I don’t want to be here anymore.”

"Why not? Leanah, please."

When Adian closed the distance between them, Leanah shrugged and looked away. Was it so hard to understand that she had lost the love she had for her life? Arthor meant a lot to her. No matter how many times they had hurt each other, they had always found a way through everything. She needed him more than anything else, even if they would just be friends, Leanah craved his company, his presence. Perhaps the pain would pass, but now everything felt rather hopeless, and she didn’t want to be miserable.

"Talk to me,” Adian said.

“I wish I knew what to say.”

"Leanah, it's alright if you want to grow distant from me. I understand that, but please don't do that to Connas."

“I can’t look at him without thinking about Arthor.”

Leanah wanted to be a good mother to her son. Connas deserved the world. He was the most beautiful child, and she loved him with all her heart. But the resemblance he had to his father had become too much for her. How could she care for Connas when she was always reminded of Arthor?

"He's your son, Leanah. You can't act like this."

At that, Leanah put her cup away and walked over to Adian to take Connas from him. Not once did she look down at him as she held him tightly against her chest with his head against her shoulder. She turned so her back faced Adian, not wanting to look at her husband. Since Connas still sobbed, Leanah closed her eyes and hummed quietly to him while she bounced him gently in her arms. She still longed to leave, run away from all her responsibilities so she could forget about reality.

"Connas has done nothing wrong, Leanah. Don't put it out on him."

“It isn’t easy for me, Adian. I’m not doing it on purpose.”

"I know it isn't and I know you're not. That doesn't matter, though. You're hurting Connas and you're hurting me."

“Do you think I want to hurt you or Connas?” Leanah asked as she turned around to look at Adian, “I wish I didn’t hurt either of you, but I can’t help it. All I can think about is how nice it would be if I wasn’t alive.”
 
Perhaps for the first time Adian wished that Arthor would come back to Leanah. She was absolutely miserable now without him. This wasn’t the woman he’d fallen in love with, no matter how much Adian hated to admit that. He didn’t like Leanah the way she was now. Of course Adian loved her and he still cared for her, but she was acting so distant both towards him and Connas that it was hard for him not to get a little angry at her.

Obviously it wasn’t Leanah’s fault for feeling this way, but Adian wished that she would just put it out on him, not on Connas. He imagined it was hard for her to look at her son, but Connas had done nothing wrong. It wasn’t his fault who his father was. Seeing Leanah become so neglectful towards him made Adian upset and pretty much become Connas’ one caretaker. He wasn’t very good at calming the boy down, but at least Adian tried.

It was as though Leanah was giving up. Adian hated watching her go down that dark path, because it felt like she never listened nor cared when he tried to help her. She was so distant, even when they were next to each other it felt like they were leagues apart. Now hearing Leanah speak about not wanting to be alive just made Adian feel even worse about it all. Couldn’t he ask Arthor to come back to her? Wouldn’t he listen?

“Don’t say such things, Leanah.”

“I’m sorry.”

In a way, Adian almost didn’t trust her with Connas in her arms. She wasn’t in a stable state of mind and Gods know what she could do to herself and the child. It was in conflict with his wish for Leanah to act like a mother again, but perhaps that would have to wait. Adian hated himself for thinking such thoughts, but were they truly so unreasonable? He didn’t know what to expect of Leanah the way she was now.

“Let me help you,” Adian said as he walked to stand right in front of her where she stood with Connas.

“With what?”

“With getting through this. You won’t get better if you keep acting like this and shutting me out.”

Though Adian didn’t want to feel like he would be Leanah’s saviour and bring her out of this darkness, he did feel like he could try to make her feel somewhat better. He’d done it before, after all. It would be hard, undoubtedly, but Adian at least wanted to try, but that required Leanah to work with him. If she would keep ignoring his words and touches, then Adian doubted Leanah would ever be able to move on from this. It wasn’t something she could get through alone, Adian was sure of that.

“I can’t help it when I have lost a person that meant so much to me.”

“I know he’s been with you for years, Leanah, but you can’t let this ruin your life.”

“But I can’t help it that I’m feeling sad now. Neither can I help it that I feel empty.”

“I know and I’m not blaming you for any of this. You can’t control it, I realise that. I feel like you’re giving up, though, and I don’t like that.”

It was just such a mess and Adian wished things could be better right now. Before this, they had been happy, even if Adian wasn’t thrilled with Arthor’s involvement. Now he wished that Arthor would just be here and fix this mess that he’d created. If he wouldn’t, though, then Adian would have to try and help Leanah on his own. She would get better eventually, or at least he hoped so.

“I don’t know how to move on.”

“Well, you’ll have to learn how to do it soon.”

“I know.”

“You can do it, I know you can. You’re so strong, Leanah,” Adian mumbled as he reached out to cup her cheek with his hand.

This was really the most progress they’d done ever since it’d all gone downhill. It had seemed so hopeless for a while, but Adian hoped that this meant that Leanah might open up to him a bit more now. That was all he wanted. Adian wanted to help her, not talk to a wall like he had for a while. Not being able to help her was just getting frustrating at this point.

“I’m not strong,” Leanah spoke, leaning her face against his hand.

“You are,” Adian said, stroking his thumb against her cheek, “you’re the strongest person I know. Others would’ve never been able to go through the things you have.”

“I wish he hadn’t left me, though.”

“It’s hard to go through this, I know, but you can do it. I’ll help you get through this.”

Now it would be all that was on Adian’s mind. Learning more about politics and laws, and everything else could really wait until this would be settled. This was his priority right now, and Adian didn’t feel guilty about that. Leanah was his wife, the woman he loved and he wanted to help her feel better again. He wouldn’t feel happy until she would as well.

“Thank you.”

“I love you so much, Leanah. I can’t lose you.”
 
No matter how difficult life seemed without Arthor, Leanah knew that she had to take responsibility for Connas. Neither would it be good for her to distance herself from Adian, but the loss of Arthor had dragged her down into a hole which seemed impossible to get out of. Even when Adian reached his hand down to help her up, Leanah doubted he would be able to carry her from the hole and into a better life. If anything she had to drag herself up, but never had she felt so weak before. What was she supposed to do without Arthor?

The love she had for Adian eased the pain and her worries.

There was a slight hope in her that everything would be alright as long as she would let herself love Adian, and let him show her his affection. Perhaps with time and love, Leanah would learn to move on and forget about Arthor. That sounded almost blissful now, but also impossible. But it wouldn’t hurt her to try.

“I will try my best, Adian.”

"Please do."

“But it will take time,” Leanah sighed and pressed a kiss against Connas’ head.

"I know and that's alright. I just don't want you to give up."

Giving up sounded easy, but Leanah knew too well that it wouldn’t be easy. Even if she longed for Arthor and his affection, she loved Adian more than anything. He was her husband, and she would be with him for the rest of her life. Giving up on him wouldn’t be easy, neither would it be easy to give up on Connas. It seemed like it wouldn’t be tough because of how difficult everything felt, but deep down, Leanah wanted to be a good mother and wife. She had to try to make it all better, even if she wouldn’t have Arthor in her life anymore.

“I won’t.”

"Please don't. I need you."

“I need you too.”

After Adian had pressed his lips against her head, Leanah walked away from him. Now that Connas had calmed down, she laid him carefully down in his crib. Their gaze met and through the pain, Leanah still smiled at her son and tucked the blankets tightly around his body. Hopefully he would be able to get some rest.

“I’m sorry if I hurt you, Adian,” Leanah mumbled once she turned around to look at her husband.

"It's alright."

Adian closed the distance between them only to wrap his arms tightly around her. A sigh fell from her lips as she wrapped her arms around him, pressing her cheek against his. Now she let him comfort her because she realised that she wouldn’t be able to do this without him. Perhaps it was even for the better that Arthor wasn’t in her life anymore. Now she could focus on being a good wife for Adian. He stroked his hand over her hair while they hugged, and Leanah hoped that she would soon feel better.

“Thank you for being so patient with me.”

"I'm your husband, I'm supposed to care for you."

“You’re the love of my life.”

"And you're mine."

Like before, Adian pressed another kiss against her head. Leanah never wanted to be with anyone else now. The affair she’d had with Arthor had been fun while it had lasted, she didn’t want to end up becoming distant from Adian. In the end, it was he who mattered, and Leanah would focus on their relationship now.

“I only want to be with you now.”

There was no answer from Adian as he hugged her tightly instead. Leanah hoped that he believed her as she didn’t want to experiment with having multiple partners anymore. Adian was the one for her. They belonged together, and she had never felt a love more genuine than the love she had for him. At least she tried to convince herself of that while she hugged him back. Only after a short while did she pull away so she could walk over to their bed and sit down at the edge of the mattress with her gaze on the crib.

Adian followed her after glancing over at Connas for a brief moment. When he took her hand, Leanah laced their fingers together and moved to sit closer to him so their thighs pressed together. Adian laid his head against her shoulder, and now she wished they could sit here forever while she tried to forget.

“I’m very lucky to have you.”

Though Leanah had tried to break the silence, Adian stayed quiet as he kissed her shoulder and squeezed her hand. That was alright. She understood that this must have been tough for him as well, and she did feel sorry for burdening him with her mess of a life. But they were married, and Leanah would have done anything for him if he would have felt upset or been depressed. She turned her head to press a short kiss against his head, closing her eyes before leaning her head against his.
 
Marrying Leanah was the best thing to ever happen to Adian, he’d never been this happy before and now he couldn’t bear the thought of ever losing her. He would help her recover from this, no matter what it took. Adian wanted them to be like they used to be, and he would do anything to help her. He hoped that Leanah was honest and that she would let him do that from now on.

If Arthor wouldn’t come back, then Adian hoped that they would be able to forget about him. Well, as much as that was possible with Connas around. It would be hard, but Adian hoped that Leanah would be able to focus on the present, not the past. She could think fondly of Arthor and the memories they’d shared, but Adian didn’t want her to obsess over him and think about what could’ve been.

“It’s going to take time, but I know you can do it.”

"I can't do it without you."

“You won’t have to. I’m always with you and I’ll help you.”

Really, Adian even doubted that he’d leave her alone too much from now on. He wanted to be around her constantly just to make sure that she wasn’t getting lost in her thoughts too much. Adian knew that this was going to be difficult. He wasn’t being naive, this wouldn’t be over in just a few days. This would be a long journey for Leanah and it would take a while for her to feel better again. Adian was confident that she could do it, though.

"I don't know how I'll be able to thank you for everything."

“There’s nothing you have to thank me for.”

This wasn’t like Adian giving a gift to her or something along those lines. It was just something that people did towards those they loved. Adian loved her, she was his wife and he wanted to take care of her. It wasn’t something that Leanah had to say thank you for or something she had to repay him for. He did it because he wanted her to feel better and that was the best thing that Leanah could ever give him for this.

Then Leanah moved to sit in his lap and Adian wrapped his arms around her, smiling a little as he looked up at her. She looked so sad and drained, but that was alright. It wasn’t permanent and Adian loved her anyways. Soon she’d take care of herself properly again and Adian would make sure of that, because doing that would likely make Leanah feel a little more like herself.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Leanah.”

Leanah leant forwards to press their lips together and Adian smiled again because of it. He kissed her for a moment before pulling away again, while stroking his fingers against her back. This was just another obstacle that they had to overcome and then everything would be alright again. Adian was sure they’d be happy one day. They were so good together, after all.

“One day I’ll feel better.”

“I know you will.”

“Good.”

“I’m here for you, Leanah.”

That’s why Adian hoped that she would come to him if she needed his help. There was nothing to be ashamed of and nothing she could say would make Adian turn off of her. He would help her, no matter what. Adian just hoped that Leanah wouldn’t grow distant after this conversation and that they could work on this. He just wanted to help her and that’s what he planned to do, if she’d let him.

“Thank you.”

There was a small smile on Leanah’s lips then and Adian got a little happier because of it. He moved his hand to cup her cheek again, leaning forwards to press a short kiss against her lips. It didn’t seem like that kiss was enough for Leanah, though, as she grabbed onto his shoulders so that they’d do it some more. Adian chuckled a little and gave in, because he didn’t really mind at all, so he kissed her soft and sweet while keeping one of his arms tightly around her. After a while, Leanah pulled away from him and their eyes met. Adian stroked his finger against her cheek and smiled a little at her.

"I just hope that I'll be able to get over Arthor and forget about him."

“It’s going to take time, but I’m sure you’ll be able to do it.”

"Poor Connas. He loves Arthor."

That Adian knew. Sometimes it felt like Connas favoured Arthor over him, and Adian wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Maybe it didn’t really mean anything or maybe it was that father and son bond that was inevitable. Either way, it wouldn’t matter now. Connas wouldn’t remember him, anyways. He’d been much too young during their encounters. Now Arthor would just be a guard and that’s all Connas would know him as. Now Adian doubted they’d ever tell Connas about his true parentage.

“I know he does. He’ll be alright, though.”
 
Would Connas remember Arthor?

Leanah doubted that her son would remember his short encounters with Arthor, but that raised a whole lot of new questions for her to figure out. If Arthor would no longer be in her life, should she tell Connas about him? Every finger pointed against no, but Leanah felt as if it would be unfair for Connas to live in a life filled with lies. What if he would find out about it on his own? She imagined he would grow angry with her then, and Leanah wanted to be a good mother to Connas. But she still had time to think about her decisions.

“I hope so,” Leanah sighed.

Now when everything seemed hopeless, Leanah fought against her own mind to convince herself that it would be alright. They would all find happiness. Adian pressed their lips together, kissing her gently. Perhaps it was cruel of her to think of him as a distraction, but his affection and comfort did distract her from the pain and sorrow. That couldn’t be a bad thing, and Leanah loved him so much. She kissed him back, moving her hands into his hair to let her fingers tangle with the strands.

If only he could distract her from the pain forever.

“I love you,” Adian said once he pulled away from the kiss.

“Sometimes I wonder how you can love me after everything I have put you through.”

"I've got a big heart,” he chuckled.

“I can see that.”

Often Leanah found herself lost with Adian and the amount of love they had for each other. They were incredibly lucky as she could imagine that most people struggled to love their husband or wife. Especially since they barely knew each other when it was known they would marry. They were also lucky that they had gotten some time to get to know each other first. Adian kissed her again after smiling at her, and Leanah didn’t mind as she gently gripped onto his hair and kissed him softly back. They would always belong to each other.

While they kissed, Adian hugged her close to him, and Leanah let out a sigh.

“I want to lay down,” she mumbled.

As she wanted, Adian laid them down on the bed, and Leanah stayed on top of him as she nuzzled her face against his neck. She would be able to get over Arthor if he no longer stayed at the castle, but Leanah feared that she could easily run into him in the hallways. How was she supposed to get over him then?

“What if I run into him somewhere in the castle?”

"I don't know, Leanah,” Adian sighed.

“I feel so lost.”

"I know you do. It'll get better, though."

Adian stroked his hand over her hair, and Leanah sat up on his hips to look down at him. How could he be so certain? What if it would only get worse? She found it too easy to grow pessimistic, even when she fought so hard to convince herself that it would be alright. While he stroked his hands over his hips, she felt so lost in her own mind as she stared at him. A part of her wanted to try to fall asleep so she could forget about everything for a while if she was lucky enough to not wake up from a nightmare.

“Perhaps I should try to rest.”

"Perhaps,” he said as he pulled her down to lay on top of him.

“Do you want to?”

"I don't mind. Whatever you want,” he said while stroking her back.

“I think I want to sleep so I can forget about everything.”

"That's alright."

When he turned to lay on his side, Leanah didn’t have the energy to get up from the bed to undress herself. Surely she would regret that in the morning, but for now, she wanted to stay with Adian. She cuddled up against him with her arm wrapped around his body and her face nuzzled against his neck. He pressed his lips against her head, and Leanah hummed against his skin at how sweet he was with her. Without him, she wouldn’t have been able to do this. Gods, she didn’t want to imagine a life without him anymore.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” he said while squeezing his arms around her.

Leanah managed to smile against his skin. Was it silly of her to want to hear him say that over and over again? She couldn’t get enough of it, especially now that she felt so lost. Hearing those sweet words were reassuring, and Leanah knew she could have listened to him say those words for the rest of the day. She stroked her fingers along his back, pressing a sweet kiss against his neck, hoping that she would be able to feel better in the morning. Even if she doubted she would, she wanted to try to stay optimistic about the situation.
 
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Touches.
Chapter CLV
House Rhyne
May all be as one
Nilfgaard, Northern lands of Aedighar
​
There wasn’t a moment where Brynden wasn’t busy with something. It was either meetings or Aryana, and he very much preferred the latter if he was quite honest. Of course the worry was still there, but Brynden also felt so happy being with her and knowing that there was a child in her lap. He tried not to think about that horrible morning, but sometimes those thoughts did creep up on him. So all Brynden could really do was hope and pray that it wouldn’t happen once more and that his thoughts would stay only that - thoughts.

Now that Aryana was feeling quite well and nothing seemed to be wrong, Brynden found it a little easier to stay somewhat calm and not let paranoia get the best of him. That didn’t stop him from wanting to be around her constantly and take care of her as though she was a child. Brynden wanted to make sure that Aryana had everything that she could possibly need. Perhaps he was getting annoying by this point.

His long days became so much better once he was back in their room with Aryana. Sometimes they did go outside, which they both seemed to prefer. Most of the time Brynden admitted defeat and really couldn’t be bothered to leave the castle. It was exhausting being a Lord and when he was away from meetings, he just wanted to cuddle up with Aryana on their bed with the fire crackling in the back. There was nothing nicer than that, in his mind.

“Sorry, I know I was supposed to be back earlier. Sir Toyne just kept talking and talking, there was nothing I could really do.”

Apparently winning a war meant that the capable men wanted to rest while young green boys desperately wanted to become fighters, though most of them held no potential. Sir Toyne apparently thought that his complaints would finally be heard about how none of the boys currently training were anything special and that they really ought to do something about that. Brynden suggested what he could, but most of all he found himself longing for Aryana and getting bored by the knights constant grievances.

Though Aryana wanted to hear none of his apologies, apparently, since she shushed him and waved him over to the bed. Brynden raised an eyebrow and obliged. It didn’t seem like she was sad or upset, quite the contrary she looked quite glad. That in turn made Brynden happy too. They had the best evenings together when Aryana had had a good day, that was for sure.
“You seem happy,” Brynden chuckled, sitting down on the bed with her.

“I am,” Aryana smiled.

“That’s good. Makes me happy, too,” Brynden shrugged and leant down to kiss her cheek. Then Aryana took his hand and put it on her stomach, which was growing quite a bit. Brynden smiled and stroked his fingers against the bump.

“Keep it still.”

Aryana guided his hand to rest still on her stomach, and Brynden chuckled a little. He didn’t really know what she was doing, so when he felt the gentle movement against his hand, Brynden didn’t know what to think of it. His head tilted to the side a little as he looked at her stomach, knowing there was only one possible culprit for this. Brynden could feel his heart beating quicker and there wasn’t much he could do then but stare at her stomach.

Surely this meant that everything was alright, yes? Brynden had felt this before when his mother was with child. When he was a little boy and mother had been with Willelm, Brynden remembered being so fascinated with this. Really, that fascination had never ended and once again he found himself absolutely mesmerized by what was happening right now. What set this apart from the past was that this wasn’t a sibling, but his own child.

Perhaps his shock was amusing to Aryana, because she chuckled and that brought Brynden out of his amazement. This was their child, alive and well, judging by the kick against his hand. The shock quickly turned into happiness and Brynden smiled so brightly before leaning in to kiss Aryana, moving one of his hands to rest on her cheek while he left the other on her stomach. This was their child, and Brynden felt as happy as he could possibly be right now.
 
Soon after Brynden had left it had happened.

The morning sun peeked through the window, and an engraved glass bowl stood by the bedside, filled with fresh berries that Aryana could not keep her hands away from. While the room grew warm from the rays of sunshine and the bowl grew empty, the slightest flutter in her abdomen brought her out of her daydreams. The fingers she had tangled with her curls now laid against her stomach, right over the bump that had grown. In a brief moment of silence, while nothing happened, Aryana thought she must have imagined it.

But there it was again — a weak and gentle movement against her fingertips.

As if it was a sign from the Gods, her eyes grew wide, and her lips parted at the sensation of her child moving inside of her belly. Her prayers had been answered. The Gods had shown them kindness, blessed them with a child. Too quickly emotions bubbled up inside other her, filling her body while she quietly chuckled for herself.
The servant who came to give her a tray filled with freshly made pastries for her must have noticed, but only her handmaiden had the courage to ask her about the cause of her happiness while she helped her into her dress. Aryana could only ramble on about the wonderful feeling of knowing that her child was alive.

Aryana thanked the Gods while she waited for Brynden.

But when he came, Aryana had no time to listen to how dull his day had been. They had more important matters to discuss, but that could wait. After guiding his hand to lay against her abdomen, there was a moment of silence again. Aryana wondered if their child wouldn’t respond, but it did, and the expression on Brynden’s face changed. Now his eyes were wide, and she chuckled at him as he looked quite amusing. Before she could comment on his silly expression, Brynden cupped her cheek and kissed her and Aryana forgot about how amusing it was.

“I wanted to come find you,” Aryana said once she pulled away from his lips to meet his gaze.

"You should've,” he laughed, looking away from her as his gaze fell on her stomach.

“I didn’t want to take you away from your meetings.”

"I would've been happy to leave."

His fingers stroked over her stomach. It wasn’t difficult to see the glimmer of happiness in his eyes. This was the reassurance they needed. The reassurance they craved. Aryana raised her hand, combing her fingers through his hair while she watched him. It didn’t matter what she should have done. Brynden was with her now.

“We’ll have a child now.”

There was a smile on his face as Brynden moved to lay further down onto the bed. With his head right by her stomach, he pressed his lip against her. Aryana chuckled and kept stroking her fingers through his hair. They were having this child together, and nothing meant more to her than knowing that for certain.

"It's really there,” Brynden chuckled while his fingers stroked against her.

“I know. I’m so excited.”

They deserved this more than anything, and Aryana had never felt such a rush of happiness as she did when Brynden pressed another kiss against her stomach. What would they name their child? Would they look more like her or Brynden? Many questions rushed through her mind while she watched him be rather occupied with her stomach. Would they be blessed with a son or a daughter? Aryana wished there was a way to tell, and she wanted to ramble on with Brynden about all the possible outcomes.

“Have you thought about names?”

"I have, actually. Have you?"

“No,” Aryana said, shaking her head slightly at his question.

"I'd like to use my parents' names,” Brynden mumbled.

Nothing sounded sweeter than naming their children after his parents. Aryana would not mind that, and even if she would have, she didn’t have the heart to tell him no. But she smiled at him in agreement as she could easily imagine having a son called Yan or a daughter called Elysa. Already she felt connected to those names.

“I’d love that.”

"Thank you."

“If we have more children I’d like to name one after my mother.”

"Of course."

Aryana knew it was only fair, but it made her happy that Brynden was willing to let her have that. Would her father appreciate that? Perhaps it was silly of her to want to name one of their children after her dead mother as she had never met her, but after all the stories her father had told her, Aryana did feel like she knew her mother very well. Laena would be a pretty name, but she wouldn’t get too excited as she couldn’t be certain that they would be blessed with so many children.

“Thank you.”
 
Naming his children after his parents was something that Brynden had always wanted to do. Now he would also like to name a daughter after Rhea, but he didn’t think they’d end up having a whole army of children, so perhaps that wouldn’t happen. It would be alright, though. Brynden liked the thought of having a daughter named Laena as well, so Brynden hoped that they could at least have a son and two daughters.

In the end, Brynden just hoped that the child growing inside of Aryana now would be healthy and strong. He didn’t care if it was going to be a boy or a girl, though perhaps he should’ve. Such things didn’t bother Brynden, anyways. He just wanted a happy, healthy child. That was all that mattered to him. Whatever it would turn out to be, Brynden would love them with all of his heart. This was what he’d always wanted.

“This is wonderful,” Brynden mumbled as he stroked her stomach.

Somehow that small little touch became everything that Brynden could think about. It made the thought of a child so real and Brynden became less worried about something going wrong and much more ecstatic about all of this. There was a big chance that they would be parents, that they would have this child, and Brynden was so happy about that. That small kick against his hand meant the world to him.

"Do you think you'll be able to leave me in the morning?"

“I have no clue how I’ll be able to leave you at all from now on. It’s already been hard enough to be away from you.”

“Stay with me.”

“Alright, I will.”

Though some might not be too happy about that, Brynden didn’t care. Now he just wanted to stay with Aryana and perhaps feel more movement coming from her stomach. It was so amazing and Brynden couldn’t get enough of it, even though there was nothing happening against his hand right now. They were so happy and Brynden wanted to take a few days away from all the seriousness just to enjoy himself with his family.

“Good.”

“Very good,” Brynden chuckled.

While Brynden kept watching her stomach, he felt Aryana’s fingers stroke through his hair. It was so sweet and this was all that he could’ve wanted from life. It felt perfect right now, really. Everything that had happened in the past between them seemed to irrelevant now. What mattered was here and now, what mattered was Aryana and the child, everything else wasn’t that important.

Then the child kicked again and Brynden laughed because of it as he leant down to kiss her stomach again. He mumbled a small hello to his child, though Brynden wasn’t entirely sure if it would be able to hear it. Either way, it made Brynden happy to do that. Perhaps it was a little silly, but he didn’t care. Maybe the child really could hear him, and that thought made Brynden feel so wonderful.

Her laughter made him happy too and Brynden moved a little so that he could lay his head on her chest while he left his hand on her stomach. He probably wouldn’t stop touching it for a while now, hoping to feel some more movement. Brynden hadn’t expected it to bring him so much joy, now he felt like it would be all he could think about. He wanted to talk to others about it and share his joy, but he didn’t feel quite comfortable doing that. Maybe he’d send letters to Willelm and Antra, that sounded like a good idea.

When Aryana kissed his head, Brynden smiled and pressed closer against her side. Gods, he was happy right now. Brynden only wished that he could’ve come to her sooner so that they could’ve witnessed this forever. Now he hoped that he could at least see those first steps, hear those first words simultaneously with Aryana so that they could share those special moments. Though he wouldn’t be mad if that wouldn’t happen, since it was very likely considering how busy he often was.

“I’m so happy.”

"Me too. I don't feel worried anymore."

Though Brynden was still worried, it had lessened a little because of this. Now he felt a little bit more confident that everything would turn out good. They at least knew now that the child was moving and responding to their touches, and Brynden thought that was the most amazing thing. He hoped that everything would go smoothly later on as well and that the child would grow stronger.

“I’m less nervous now, too.”

"I think we'll be okay."

“I think so too,” Brynden mumbled and smiled as he raised his head up so that he could lean up and kiss her.
 
The kiss pressed against her lips felt delicate and sweet. Aryana sighed into the kiss, raising her hand to cup his cheek while Brynden continued to kiss her. The surreal thought of having a child kept appearing in her mind, causing her to smile and it became increasingly difficult to kiss Brynden, and Aryana pulled away from his lips.

Brynden had a bright smile tugging at his lips when their gaze met. His fingers stroked against her cheek, but they ached from how she could not stop smiling. After everything, Aryana was glad that they had a sign of hope and happiness now. That was what they deserved, and she hoped Brynden would keep his word and stay with her for a while. Perhaps she should have felt bad for pulling him away from meetings that could be important, but she didn’t care. She wanted Brynden to be with her, and experience this pregnancy with her.

“Now we just have to wait.”

"That's alright,” Brynden chuckled.

“Good.”

Her gaze followed him once he moved down her body to press his lips against her stomach. Aryana wanted the sight of him and the bump to be etched into her mind. The child seemed to enjoy or sense his presence as soon after Brynden had kissed her, it moved, and she chuckled at how it slightly tickled. With his hands stroking over her, Brynden didn’t make it any easier for her to stop chuckling or smiling. Aryana couldn’t get over how precious this moment was, and how blissful everything felt now all because of their child.

“It seems like our child is happy as well,” Aryana chuckled.

"I hope so."

“Me too.”

"I can't wait to meet you."

Time would go by so fast now. Aryana knew she would easily forget herself now that she would be so occupied with their child in her belly. All those irrational and rational fears she had would be forgotten, and though she wanted to be patient, Aryana wanted time to go by as quickly as it could so they could have their child.

Aryana moved her hands to rest in his hair, but when Brynden moved up her body to kiss her again, she stroked her hands down to his shoulders. To be his wife was the most wonderful thing. She felt lucky to have him, and whenever they kissed her whole body felt alive. A slight warmth spread through her as all her nerves tingled at the sensation of his lips against hers. But like before, kissing became difficult when neither of them could stop smiling and Aryana pulled away from the kiss, chuckling as she looked at Brynden.

“You’re smiling too much. I can’t kiss you.”

"I'm sorry,” Brynden chuckled.

“Such a shame,” Aryana sighed.

"I'm sorry, I'm too happy."

Brynden nuzzled his face against her neck while chuckling, and Aryana hoped that he would always be this happy. Their life together was finally coming together, and the happiness they shared was something she would forever cherish. Now she just had to pray that it would last. She didn’t want more sadness or tragedies.

“I hope we’ll always be this happy.”

"I hope so too,” he said before pressing his lips against her neck.

“We deserve that.”

"We do."

“And I want to send a letter to my father. I want to tell him now as he would be so happy for us.”

"Yes. Do that. I want to write to Willelm and Antra,” Brynden nodded as he pulled away from her neck.

A part of her wished that she could go visit him and tell him. She wanted to see his reaction and the happiness glimmer in his eyes, but she couldn’t do that. A letter would do, and she would write it in the morning. Gods how she missed him, though. She missed Antra as well, and she often sent her letters. Keeping this pregnancy a secret had been difficult, but it had been for the better, and she hoped that both Willelm and Antra would be happy for them. Perhaps they would worry, but Aryana hoped they had nothing to worry about anymore.

“I miss her,” Aryana sighed.

"Me too.”

Brynden nuzzled his face against her neck again, and Aryana hoped that Antra would come to visit them one day. She hoped that everyone would come to visit her. Willelm had visited them, but Aryana wanted her father and Antra to be here as well. With a sigh she wrapped her arms around Brynden, closing her eyes as she tilted her head to lean it against his head. He leaned more of his weight down on her, and his body felt warm against hers which distracted her from the slight heavy feeling of him on top of her.

“Don’t crush me now,” Aryana chuckled.

Instead of answering, Brynden shushed and pressed a kiss against her neck. Aryana chuckled again, kissing the side of his head while stroking her fingers along his back. Luckily Brynden wouldn’t leave her in the morning as Aryana wasn’t sure how she could ever let him go now.
 
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Love and Loss.
Chapter CLVI
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar
​
Being with Sarisa was nice. Arthor couldn’t and wouldn’t deny that, but at the same time it didn’t feel complete. He didn’t feel like himself and it felt like he was lying to Sarisa constantly, even though he really wasn’t. Arthor liked her, he thought she was fun and caring. He didn’t think he’d made a mistake by being with her, it was just that he missed Leanah and Elias, Connas too. That would stop after a while, he was sure of it.

Undoubtedly, Leanah was still haunting him. He had successfully avoided her these days and he had seen only glimpses of her. Arthor wanted to see Connas so badly, but he couldn’t do that and it hurt terribly. It was for the best, though. Arthor couldn’t be selfish and the thought that his son would be better off away from him as would Leanah gave him the strength he needed to not approach them.

Though Arthor hadn’t meant to do it so quickly, he was slowly drifting away from Elias as well. They barely saw each other now and when they did Arthor found an excuse to leave. He still loved him and it felt like they were meant for each other. It was hard not to see him, but Arthor tried to convince himself that it was wrong and stupid anyways. Now Elias would be rid of him and he could start anew with someone else. Arthor wanted that for him.

So when there was a knock on his door, Arthor thought it was Sarisa. Since he was already in bed, he didn’t bother to get out, just telling her to come in. Lately, Arthor was finding it hard to sleep alone so he was glad that she’d come to him. Then he could distract himself with her touch until he’d be too tired to think. Arthor hadn’t expected Sarisa to be so caring, but he quite liked that about her.

The door opened and Arthor wasn’t quite sure how to react when he saw Elias, instead of Sarisa. Maybe Arthor was disappointed, because it felt like this would quickly become a conversation he didn’t want to have. He doubted that Elias just wanted to come by and say hello. Arthor felt awkward and uncomfortable as he laid there and he almost hoped that Sarisa would come after all so that the conversation would never happen.

Obviously Arthor should apologise to Elias, like he had with Leanah. He imagined he’d fucked it up with him as well, though, so maybe there was no point. Arthor didn’t know why he thought distancing himself would’ve ended well, as it never had, but he kept making the same mistake, thinking it’d turn out differently this time. He could only hope now that he hadn’t hurt Elias too badly.

The mattress dipped slightly when Elias sat down, and Arthor tore his eyes away from him to instead look up at the ceiling. He should’ve said something, but he couldn’t figure out what. Arthor missed him and he missed them, but Elias would be better off without him. It might hurt now, but later Elias would be better off, he was sure of it. Just like it would be for Leanah and Connas.

“Why have you been so distant?”

To that, all Arthor could do was apologise. He didn’t really want to explain himself, because Arthor knew that Elias wouldn’t like it anyways. Arthor just wanted what was best for Elias and this was it. Gods, he missed him so badly, though.

“What happened?”

“Nothing happened.”

"But you don't want to be with me anymore?"

That just made Arthor feel even more uncomfortable. He shifted a little on the bed, while he thought about an answer, but there wasn’t really anything good he could say to that. It really did feel like Elias was the one for him, but Arthor didn’t think they actually had a future together. It would’ve never worked out, and perhaps this would’ve happened one day anyways.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

Elias got up from the bed and Arthor sat up a little as he watched him again. He felt ashamed of himself that he’d done this to them, but it wasn’t right anyways. Elias would be fine, Arthor was sure of it. He didn’t think they could be friends after this, just like he couldn’t be friends with Leanah, but Elias would find people to surround himself with now that he wasn’t tied to Arthor. It would all be fine.

“I suppose I should have expected it.”

“What?”

“That you don’t want to be with me anymore.”

“Why?”

At that, Elias just shrugged. Arthor could only hope that he didn’t think it was his fault. It was all on Arthor, no doubt about that. Elias had been so good and Arthor wished that he realised that. Being with him had been the best choice he’d ever made, but it would’ve never lasted. Something like this obviously couldn’t. It had been so nice, though.

“It’s not because of you.”

“I thought I was the love of your life, though.”

“You are.”
 
Elias found himself stuck in a constant loop of horrible situations and lingering pain. Happiness never lasted.

Over and over again Arthor would grow distant. It had happened so often that Elias thought he would get used to it, but the more Arthor ignored him, the more Elias longed for his touch. When the sun slipped past the horizon, and cold wind blew through his windows, he realised how lonely he was. Arthor was never there to keep his bed warm and stroke his hair. Elias only had his wine to give him warmth throughout the evenings. It had gotten to the point where he couldn’t recall the last conversation he’d had with Arthor or anyone for that matter.

The love of his life treated him like a stranger – a person who no longer mattered.

Many times they had discussed the matter of settling down. Elias wanted Arthor to have a family and a wife to love, but now that he knew about Arthor and his relationship to Lady Sarisa Bryne, he no longer wanted to be supportive. He wanted to tell Arthor that he was a fool and a moron for wanting her, but those words never came.

And Elias had to find comfort in books and wine as those two things became his solace.

Piled up on his desk were countless books from the library. Servants had tried to clean up the mess, but Elias had ruined their hard work by scattering all his belongings all over the room. Now his room felt familiar – a resemblance of his own mind. His belongings were his thoughts, scattered across his mind, piled on top of each other and no matter how much one tried to clear the mess, it always came back. Elias wondered if that was why Arthor no longer saw him. Had he become too much of a mess for Arthor? Too dependent?

Whatever it was, Elias needed answers.

The sound of his footsteps echoed through the hallway on his way to Arthor. At one point in his life that room had been his source of comfort and safety. Arthor’s bed had been the only place he could truly rest. Now his heart raced, his breathing became ragged, and his palms were sweaty as he stopped in front of the familiar door.

Seeing Arthor again was harder than imagined. Elias wanted to leave already.

“Don’t lie to me, Arthor.”

"I'm not."

“You treat me like a stranger. You treat me like all of these years we have known each other no longer matters to you,” Elias said, turning around to look at Arthor, “and now when I say this you will apologise or grow quiet because you know you’ve done something wrong, but you don’t know how to fix it.”

Like predicted, Arthor looked away, and silence settled between them.

Elias could have given up on Arthor. They could have given up a long time ago, but he had never given up on him, not really. One way or another they had always managed to fix their problems, and Elias closed the distance between him and the bed before sinking onto the mattress. He watched as Arthor played with the blanket, but instead of forcing him to say anything, Elias moved closer to him to sit by his hips on his knees. Then he reached for Arthor’s hand, holding it with a firm grip so Arthor wouldn’t pull away, but he only sighed.

“I love you, Arthor.”

But Arthor only nodded at his words.

“Please talk to me.”

"I don't know what to tell you,” Arthor mumbled.

“Do you want to end this?”

Perhaps there was a chance that Arthor didn’t want to end their relationship. If he did then Elias hoped that he would be honest and say so. That would give him some reassurance to all his thoughts that roamed around in his mind. Arthor only stroked his hand without answering, though and Elias needed an answer.

“I need an answer. Be honest with me.”

"No. But it'd be for the best."

“Why would it be for the best?”

Had Arthor gotten into that mindset again? Elias could only assume that when Arthor shrugged. If they couldn’t talk about this then what was the point? Or perhaps that was Arthor’s plan, to push Elias as far away from him as he could. It certainly seemed like that was his plan, and Elias didn’t appreciate that.

“We need to talk about this. Stop being childish. Talk. Tell me everything.”

But Arthor only pulled his hand away at those words.

“You need to stop acting like this, Arthor. I’m tired of constantly having to force you to say something, and I don’t deserve this. Neither do you.”

"Exactly, you deserve better than me."

“I do, which is a shame because I have always been here for you. Before Leanah, before Sarisa. I was there.”

Elias shook his head at how absurd it all was. He couldn’t expect Arthor to push everything away for him, but he did expect Arthor to be comfortable enough to talk to him about problems. If they couldn’t be open with each other then what was the point? And they had known each other for years, and Arthor still didn’t trust him with his thoughts.
 
A part of Arthor wanted Elias to just leave him behind, but he mostly just wanted him so badly. He wanted Elias to stay with him, and he knew that was selfish of him. Arthor wanted to touch him and hug him, kiss him and forget all about this. He just wanted to be happy with Elias and that was it, but was that even possible anymore? Arthor wanted a family with Sarisa, or at least he thought that it might be possible to make one with her, and Elias had no place in that.

Though Arthor had stayed silent about Elias to Sarisa, he imagined that she would find out eventually and her reaction wasn’t something that Arthor looked forwards to. In his mind, everything always went as badly as it could and this was no exception. Sarisa would be angry and disgusted, so if Arthor wanted a family with her then Elias had to go. Then Elias would have a chance to have a family, as well. Wouldn’t that be nice?

“I’m bad for you, Elias. I’m bad for everyone.”

"You're bad for yourself. I don't think you realise that, but you're only bad for yourself and that is why you hurt others."

“That’s not true.”

"Yes, it is. You're just too blind to see it."

“You’re wrong.”

Now Arthor wanted this conversation to end, but he knew that Elias would probably leave then, especially if they’d end it on a note like this. He wanted Elias, he loved him so much, but this all was so conflicting. Arthor didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what the right decision was. All he knew now was that Elias was wrong and that he hurt others because he was a selfish asshole, not because of anything else.

"You're destructive. You're not good to yourself, and you know I'm right, but you're in denial."

“I think I know myself better than you, thanks.”

"You clearly don't. You distance yourself from others to avoid conflict. You drown your sorrows in wine and women instead of facing your problems."

At that, Arthor grew quiet because he figured there was no reason to try to talk to Elias about this. Now it was just making him mad, more than upset. He felt like Elias was treating him like a child, which was understandable because he was acting like one, but Arthor still didn’t appreciate it. Maybe if Elias would hate him by the end of this conversation, then he wouldn’t hurt once Arthor would completely leave him.

“You know I’m right. You’re self-destructive and so fucking unhealthy for yourself.”

“Can you shut up?”

At least Elias listened to him and quietly got up from the bed. Arthor moved to lay down on his back again while he pulled the blanket up to his neck. It was hot in his room, but he felt so cold and the shame was making him want to hide himself. He really was a child. Elias needed someone mature, someone that could take care of both themselves and him. Arthor wasn’t that person and he realised that.

No matter how nice they had been together, how happy Arthor had been, perhaps they should’ve never done this. Arthor was so aware of how he had stolen so many months away from Elias now. He felt bad that he was hurting him now like this, but there wasn’t an easy way to do this. At least Arthor couldn’t think of a way like that. Now he could just hurt Elias until he’d hate him and then it’d be easier for everyone.

It took him strength and courage, which he gathered while watching Elias walk towards the door. What he said now didn’t matter, since Arthor didn’t plan on ever really talking to him again. He was just comforting himself by thinking that hatred would help Elias to get over this and move on. For all Arthor cared, Elias and Leanah could talk shit about him after this for the rest of their lives.

“You’re a pansy.”

At least that got a reaction from Elias as he turned around to look at Arthor, "thank you for those kind words. I wonder what the people would think if they knew that you are Connas' father."

“That I’m a piece of shit and that Leanah’s a whore. If we’re lucky, they’d think I raped her. But they won’t find out.”

"I'll make sure to spread the rumour."

“I’m sure you will.”

Though Arthor found himself with an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach, he didn’t take Elias seriously. He didn’t have the balls to do something like that, in all honesty. Obviously Elias was just angry now, which was fine with Arthor. There was no way that Elias would actually do something like that. He was too kind and sweet to start any rumour.

“Fuck you.”

At that, Elias turned again to look at him, but he stayed quiet. Arthor didn’t want to hurt him too bad, but it almost felt like everything Elias had said had spurred him on to do just that. So he stared right back at him while the gears in his head turned to think of another insult to spit at him, but that never came. Arthor wanted to hurt him, but now Elias looking at him just made him want to crawl into the ground and die. He felt so full of shame that he couldn’t even keep looking at Elias, so he looked away instead. Elias deserved so much better than this.
 
Most of his life had been dedicated to Arthor.

Elias had always been there for Arthor. For years they had been friends, and they had always trusted each other. Now Arthor said such cruel words to him, and Elias could feel them burn into his mind. He had always thought he could trust Arthor with his secrets and emotions. They had shared so much together, but now Arthor used that against him, and Elias failed to understand how he was supposed to deal with that. Everything he had worked so hard for crumbled in front of his eyes and Elias only longed for one thing to end his pain and loneliness now.

Without Arthor life seemed pointless, but Elias wanted to give up.

No one deserved to be called such names. Elias had done so much for Arthor, but no matter if he treated his problems with kindness or an ounce of reality, Arthor always refused to listen to him. He could leave, find a woman and start a family, but he knew too well that he would never be happy with a woman.

Elias didn’t want to live like that. He didn’t want to live at all.

“I’m going to leave now.”

"Wait. I'm sorry. You know how stupid I am."

“Your apologies don’t matter anymore.”

"I know,” Arthor mumbled.

Whatever Arthor had to say now, Elias thought it wouldn’t matter anymore. He looked away from him, reaching out to grab the doorknob. He already knew what he would do. The Maester wouldn’t notice if he were to steal a few drops of essence of Nightshade. Elias only hoped that he would have the courage to drink it.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm sorry I'm like this."

“It doesn’t matter.”

"It does. I wish I could've been better to you."

“Okay.”

"I just want you to be happy."

Elias knew he would never be happy. He shrugged and opened the door at the words, too aware of what is plans were. No matter what Arthor would tell him, he didn’t care. He had tried his best to fix everything between them and in Arthor’s life, but since he always refused to listen, Elias would refuse to listen to him now.

"I'll always love you."

“I will never come back here. I had a pleasant life with you, Arthor,” Elias said as he stepped outside before closing the door behind him.

His feet felt heavy when he began walking down the hallway. The walk to the Maester wouldn’t be too long. Elias knew it was the right choice to make as he got further and further away from Arthor’s chamber. Perhaps it would be peaceful. A slight smile tugged at his lips while tears prickled in his eyes. It would be a cowardly way to die, but Elias didn’t care what people would say about him once they would find out. He only hoped that he would be at ease with himself somewhere, unless the Gods would punish him for what he had done with Arthor.

Hurried footsteps followed him, and Elias turned around to see Arthor.

“Elias,” Arthor said once he stopped in front of him.

“Leave me alone, please.”

"No.”

Even if Arthor would refuse as he shook his head, Elias didn’t care. He turned around before he began walking again. This was what he wanted now. But Arthor followed him. While trying to ignore him, Elias walked in the direction of the Maester’s office. Hopefully the Maester would be busy sleeping in his chamber, but there was a chance that the door would be locked. Either way, Elias would find a way. There was always a way, and now all that sadness had turned into determination as adrenaline started pumping through his veins.

"Where are you going?"

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Elias,” Arthor said as he grabbed onto his shoulder.

“What?”

"Now you're the one not talking.”

Arthor moved to stand in front of him, but Elias refused to meet his gaze, “because I have given up.”

When Arthor grabbed onto his arm, Elias looked down at the ground between them. After so many attempts, he had grown exhausted. Arthor had managed to drain him of everything. He was certain that he would never feel happy again. Even if he would feel happy again, it wouldn’t be with Arthor. How could he ever forgive Arthor for everything he had done and how he treated him? Elias ended up pushing Arthor away from him when he tried to cup his cheek. He didn’t want his touch. Elias wanted Arthor to leave him alone.

"I'm not leaving you alone, Elias."

“I don’t want to be with you when you treat me like I don’t matter.”

"Well, I don't trust you to be alone right now."

“But you’re cruel, and I have given up on us,” Elias mumbled.
 
The way Elias spoke and acted made Arthor unsure if what he’d done was the right thing. He thought that making Elias upset would work out well for both of them, but Arthor hadn’t considered how fragile Elias may be. Arthor didn’t take into consideration that Elias had nobody else to talk to about this and that he would be all alone now. Of course this was a terrible decision, there had to be a different way to deal with this.

But it felt like it was too late to fix anything now. Arthor had taken it too far and now things were irreparable. This was making him afraid that Elias would do something stupid, and that was the last thing Arthor wanted. He just wanted Elias to be happy. Arthor felt stupid as he stood in the hallway half nude, but it didn’t really matter. Now he could only think about Elias and how upset he seemed to be.

“I know I am and I’m sorry. That doesn’t change anything, though. I’ll fucking sit in the corner of your room if I have to.”

“Let me go.”

“No.”

So when Elias began walking again, Arthor was quick to follow. He wouldn’t leave him alone, no matter how much Elias would beg him. Like a dog Arthor would follow Elias and stay up all night to make sure that he wasn’t doing something stupid. Everything he thought about before was gone from his mind as he worried about Elias right now and whether or not he had ruined everything for him.

Now it was clear they were going to Elias’ room. They reached it quick enough and they both went inside, Arthor closing the door behind him. He realised that Elias probably wanted to have nothing to do with him anymore, but Arthor couldn’t leave him. There was no way that that would be a good idea, Arthor had a bad feeling in his stomach and he didn’t plan on leaving Elias’ side right now.

It seemed like Elias was looking for something, which confused Arthor, “what are you doing?”

There was no answer from Elias, which just made Arthor more confused and most of all concerned. Everything about Elias just seemed off, so now Arthor didn’t think he’d be overstepping any boundaries if he’d grab him and pull him away and towards him. In an effort to snap him out of his thoughts, Arthor said his name while gripping onto his shoulders tightly.

“Leave me alone.”

“I told you, no.”

"I don't care what you tell me. You never listen to me. You tell me to shut up, so now you can shut up."

“I can shut up, but I won’t fucking leave you.”

Gods, why was Arthor like this. He hated himself for hurting those around him like this. Now Arthor didn’t even know what he would do with Elias. He wanted to help him now, but Arthor didn’t know what to do. Right now Arthor just wanted to fucking die, really. If he would’ve just properly stabbed himself that night, then this all would’ve never happened and everything would be fine.

"Why not? It is always so easy for you to leave me. You always get distant."

“Well, not now.”

"You don't love me. If you did then you wouldn't treat me like you do."

“I love you, Elias. Of course I do. That’s why I do all of that, because I love you and I know you’d be better off without me.”

Was that such a hard concept to grasp? Arthor did all of this and distanced himself from Elias because he wanted what was best for him. All he did was hurt those around him and Arthor obviously couldn’t stop that behaviour of his. There were better ways to do it, Arthor knew that, but he was so fucking stupid.

"Well, you could tell me that like a normal fucking human being instead of pushing me away, leaving me to rot in my room and treating me like a stranger."

“I know I shouldn’t have done that. I’m stupid, Elias, I know.”

"That only proves that your love for me isn't genuine. If it was you would have cared about my feelings."

“I care about you. I figured you’d get hurt, but I could only think about how you’d be happier later.”

"I would never be happy as I would sit here without answers for the rest of my life while you ignore me."

“You’d get over it.”

It was easy for Arthor to imagine Elias becoming happy after some time. He would find himself a woman and settle down, and Arthor liked the sound of that. Elias would be such a good father. Obviously taking care of kids would be distracting, too, which would be nice. Arthor liked those thoughts, because in his mind Elias was so happy and that was all that Arthor ever wanted.

"I wouldn't. Don't try to defend your actions when you know they were wrong."

“You would, eventually you would.”
 
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