Fantasy Aedighar [closed]

[desti]

The anger inside of him was slowly dying out as he stood there with Leanah in his arms. Obviously Adian was still upset about everything, but he wasn’t capable of staying mad for long. Maybe once he’d talk to Sir Arthor, it’d all come back to him, but he doubted it. He wasn’t great at arguing, nor fighting. Adian knew he wouldn’t be able to threaten anyone or fight them, so he just planned on talking to Sir Arthor about what had happened and find out more and prevent it from happening again.

Neither of them wanted to go back to the feast, but that was fine. Lady Carlys seemed to understand and nobody had caused a scene when they’d left. While Adian had always found it exciting to think about a bedding ceremony, now it just seemed out of place and he wanted none of it. A quiet night with Leanah sounded just fine to him. He wanted to hold her and tell her that it would all be alright and maybe that would be their one good memory of their wedding.

“Do you want to go to our room?”

"I'd like that."

With that, Adian nodded and they headed off towards Leanah’s room that was now his as well. It was a bit strange how real it all was now, but Adian liked it. He wanted to spend his life with her, but he hoped that she would learn how to be happy eventually. He’d be there for her, obviously, and tonight he’d try to make sure that she at least wouldn’t go to bed upset. At least the end of their day could be happy, or at least not as sad.

“You looked so beautiful today, Leanah,” he said for probably the hundredth time in the last few hours.

“Thank you.”

That made Adian smile a little as he looked away from her. Leanah had truly looked so pretty as she walked towards him in the Sept. He hadn’t been able to take his eyes off of her, much less notice that something was wrong. Leanah looked as beautiful as the Maiden herself and Adian had just been so mesmerized by her. He still was, actually, and he thought he’d always be.

All Adian could do then was lean over to press a kiss against her head, since he wasn’t sure what else to say. He could tell her that it was sad she didn’t enjoy her own wedding, but that might just make her more upset. It’d make him upset, probably. Everything Adian could say just sounded like it would potentially make both of them feel worse and obviously he didn’t want that.

Then Leanah stopped and that confused Adian for a moment as he came to a halt too. He looked over to her before she grabbed onto his arm and leant up to kiss him truly. It felt so nice, even if it made him a little bit sad. Adian brought his hand up to her cheek, stroking his thumb against her cheekbone while he kissed her gently. Too soon, Leanah pulled away from him.

"I like you, Adian."

“I like you, too,” Adian mumbled and chuckled a little.

"I'm happy that I got to marry you."

Though it didn’t really seem like that by how she acted the whole day, Adian wanted to believe her when she said that. It did sound so sweet and he felt that way, he knew that for sure. Adian wanted her to be happy and not feel like he was forcing her into something that she did not want.

“I hope so.”

"I'm very lucky."

“Me too,” Adian mumbled while he kept stroking his fingers against her cheek.

With that, Leanah leant up again to kiss him so sweetly. Adian moved his other hand to her waist to pull her closer to him, sighing into the kiss. Leanah’s hands were on his shoulders and her touch felt so nice, but Adian didn’t let himself get too carried away in his imagination. She just seemed so upset and it didn’t feel right to think such things at this moment.

Adian pulled away from the kiss again and kissed her forehead, as he turned to walk again, wrapping his arm around her waist. As they walked, Leanah leant towards him a little and that made Adian smile again. They reached her room in silence, but it didn’t feel uncomfortable to him and he hoped that was the same for Leanah as well. Adian let go of her then and opened the door for her.

They walked inside and Adian closed the door behind him. He smiled at her as he found himself relaxing a little bit more now that they were alone. It felt a lot better to be alone with Leanah in the privacy of their room, rather than in the feast or out in the hallway.

"Do you want to sleep?"
“I don’t mind. We can talk more, if you’d like,” Adian shrugged as he went to sit down on the bed.

"About what?" Leanah asked as she sat down next to him.

“Anything,” Adian chuckled, looking over at her, “what’s on your mind?”

"I'm worried I won't be good enough for you."

At that, Adian sighed and reached over to take her hand in his, “Leanah…”

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Leanah wanted the day to be over. Being with Adian was always nice, but her mind had filled with destructive thoughts that she couldn’t ignore. No matter how much she tried, not once did she stop thinking about what a horrible person she was. After everything she had been through she wanted to let herself fall for Adian, let him give her all his affection and care. Once she had believed she deserved a good man, and as soon as she had gotten one, she no longer believed that. She wondered if she would ever be good enough for him.

When Leanah had watched the love between Timos and Elaria blossom, she had often wondered if she would be lucky enough to feel real love with her husband. Then she had met Adian, and she had thought it would be easy for her to love him. She wanted to love and care for him, but she was holding herself back, afraid that she would never be able to give him the good life he deserved.

Who would want a pregnant wife, carrying the bastard of a man who had mistreated her?

Adian took her hand, and Leanah watched as she laced their fingers together. While her thumb stroked over his skin, she knew she would have to tell him one day. That was something she dreaded, but she wanted to be honest with him. He deserved honesty but now didn’t seem like the right time to say it. She raised her gaze, meeting his as he said her name. It sounded sweet coming from his lips, and it sent slight shivers through her body. She squeezed his hand, praying that their marriage would work even if she doubted it would.

With a sigh, Leanah looked down at their hands again when Adian held her hand in both of his. It was a shame that she had grown attached to him so quickly. He was an attractive man, and his kindness had made it easy for her to feel close to him. There was no doubt in her that she wanted him, but no, she didn’t deserve it.

“I don’t deserve you,” Leanah mumbled quietly.

"Don't say that,” Adian said, moving his hand to touch her cheek.

“I regret everything. I wish I had waited, and I wish I had been smarter, but I thought I loved him.”

"You probably did love him at the time. Leanah, this doesn't change anything. It's over now."

That was comforting to hear because she didn’t want Arthor to have the power to change anything between Adian and her. She knew she had loved Arthor, and she thought she still did but as a friend. It was foolish of her, but at least Adian wasn’t angry with her. He was right that it was over now. There was nothing between Arthor and her anymore, and there would never be anything between them except for the child. She decided not to let that ruin the moment again, letting herself breathe and get comfort from Adian’s words.

“I’m yours now, and that is what I want. I want to be with you.”

"Good. I want that, too,” Adian said, and Leanah met his gaze to see a smile resting on his lips.

Leanah leaned forward, closing her eyes as she kissed him. There was a sudden urge to make their day a lot better than what it had been, and kissing him was always nice. Adian kissed her back, and she moved her lips so gently against his. While she let herself get lost in the kiss, Leanah moved her hand to rest at the side of his neck, pulling him closer to her. Everything about him felt right, and she wondered if kissing had felt this good with Arthor. Adian stroked his hand over her hair, and Leanah pulled away then to look at him.

“What would make this day better for you?”

"I just want you to be happy."

“You make me happy.”

"Good,” Adian said, leaning in to kiss her again.

It was the truth that Adian made her happy. Leanah was the one who made herself upset. None of this would ever be his fault, and she hoped he knew that as she wanted him to know that she did admire him. As they kissed, she let the kiss become more passionate. When Adian placed his hand against her knee, Leanah moved her hand over his, stroking his hand up her thigh. He squeezed her thigh, and she knew that if he wanted to go further today, she wouldn’t mind. If anything she wanted it. She wanted him.

But Leanah pulled away from the kiss.

“What?” Leanah asked once Adian chuckled.

At that Adian only shook his head and leaned in to kiss her again. Leanah wanted this day to be special. There had to be something they could remember to make them happy to think about their wedding. She didn’t hesitate to kiss him back, placing her hand against his chest to stroke her fingers along the seams of his clothes. After how awful their day had been though, perhaps Adian didn’t want to do this tonight. Leanah didn’t mind waiting, but it made her pull away from the kiss once again as she looked at him.

“We don’t have to do anything tonight,” she said with a reassuring smile.

 

[desti]

Evenings.
Chapter CXIV
House Rhyne
May all be as one
Nilfgaard, Northern lands of Aedighar
​

It was a lot harder than anticipated to open her mind up to marriage. When Brynden informed her that her betrothed was on his way to Wheldrake, Antra actually felt quite excited until her brother left her alone and she became lost in her own thoughts. Obviously she had known that this would happen eventually, but it was still hard for Antra to truly comprehend that she’d be spending the rest of her life with a stranger.

Maybe it wasn’t even that fear of marrying someone she didn’t know, it was just the sadness that it wasn’t Elias. Antra knew that it wasn’t possible in any way, Elias could never be truly hers and a marriage between them would be impossible, especially with the current circumstances. From what she knew, he was already back in Santrella and Antra hoped to get a letter from him soon. She didn’t want to write first, for too many reasons.

For the next few days after Brynden’s announcement, Antra found it hard to concentrate. She thought so much about Elias and what they had had together and she feared that she’d never have that with her actual husband. Antra wanted a happy marriage, she wanted to be a good wife, but she worried so much that she wouldn’t be able to open her heart to another man. She even prayed to the Gods so that they’d help her love Lord Rydan, but Antra doubted that they heard her pleas.

When the Lord arrived in Wheldrake, Antra found herself constantly comparing him to Elias. He was taller than him, which was fine. While Antra thought that Elias had a sweet look to him, she couldn’t quite say the same about Rydan. He was handsome, but his hair and eyes were so dark that they made her slightly worrisome when she first stood in front of him. Her momentary fright of him seemed silly after Rydan spoke to her and Antra thought there was a certain charm about him.

Obviously, Antra didn’t come to a conclusion from one short meeting alone. She wanted to spend more time with him, so that she’d know who she would be marrying. Antra hoped that Rydan felt the same way and that he too wanted to find out who he’d spend the rest of his life with. What if he didn’t? Perhaps he only cared about the gold and the crown on his head?

That night and the next morning, Antra thought maybe a little too much about Elias again. She should’ve thought more about Rydan and how things would turn out for them, but all Antra could think about was if Elias would be hurt by this or not. Should Antra even write to him about her husband? If he’d ask, then perhaps. Antra wasn’t even sure if they were still lovers at this point.

At least her day was alright, since it took her mind off of both Rydan and Elias. Some of it she spent with Willelm, while most of her day she was with Aryana. Antra quite enjoyed that, since she felt so comfortable and carefree with either of them. Though Antra loved Brynden, she hated to admit that most of their conversations now had taken a serious turn, which she didn’t enjoy at all. She wanted to be silly with him again, but Antra figured that those days were over.

There had been some responsibilities that Antra had to take care of during the day which Brynden helped her with, but apart from that her day had been quite nice. Now that the remnants of the war were slowly being taken away and the wounds of it were being healed, Antra found that she quite liked Wheldrake and that the castle was rather beautiful. Some of the rooms and hallways made shivers run down her spines, but Antra fixed that by just not going there alone.

It would take many months to rebuild what the war had torn apart. All across Aedighar there were ruined towns and villages, burnt down fields and forests, animals had been slaughtered and stolen in the thousands. The Crown had to deal with it all and there were so many complaints and pleas filling in that Antra found it overwhelming. The Small Council was dealing with it along with Brynden and she was so very thankful to them all, even though she herself felt absolutely useless.

Just as Antra considered going to sleep early so that she could forget about all of the problems of Aedighar, there was a knock on the door. She thought it might be either one of her brothers, perhaps Aryana if she was lucky, but when Antra opened the door she saw Rydan. A polite smile was on her face as she looked up at him, though it did make Antra happy that Rydan had decided to make some time for her in his day.

“Lord Ferren.”

“Lady Antra.”

Suddenly, Antra fell lost for words as she stood there, perhaps gripping the door a little too tightly. She didn’t know if she just felt awkward, but Antra felt so silly as she stood there and quite blatantly stared at him while he stood there. At least Rydan saved them from an uncomfortable silence and continued speaking, "I hope you're not busy. I'd love to take you outside unless you want to stay in the castle."

That was what Antra had hoped to hear from him. Now her smile became a little more genuine, because she did want to spend more time with him and get to know him. It was obviously important to her and Antra hoped that this meant that Ryden thought the same.

“I’d love that,” she nodded, “we can go outside.”

​

 

[scoorpiuuss]

There was a certain beauty to Wheldrake. Many times had Rydan heard tales of the capital. Men travelled far and wide to visit the place either for political reasons or to throw a few coins at whores. They would come back with stories, mostly based on lies and a vivid imagination. Most of them were entertaining. Rydan found himself wondering if he would ever go to Wheldrake to discuss politics or let a whore entertain him for the night. But as the life as a Lord got the better of him, he had never left the safety of his castle in Eahrora.

Nothing would ever quite be the same as the view from his castle. It was small compared to the one he would now call his new home, but Rydan had lived there his whole life. Eahrora laid at the border to the South, right by the vast sea. His family were traders, wealthy, with a strong fleet to support them. For years they had been sworn allies to the old King Trevas, and the Ferrens had been their primary source for ships and fish.

Now that the old King was dead, Rydan had imagined Aedighar prospering. There would be peace, he had told his brother. Those thoughts quickly changed once a letter from Lord Brynden Rhyne came to him. He couldn’t forget the look on the Maester’s face. A few more letters and it was settled. Rydan would go to Wheldrake, but not for the reasons he had imagined when he’d been younger.

Rydan remembered his younger sister and the look of happiness that spread across her face. Not once had she stopped speaking about how he would marry the Queen. She talked about love, little princes and princesses as if it was her long lost dream to have her brother become the King of Aedighar. He couldn’t blame her. Cayra was young, only five-and-ten. Soon she would also be married, but it was no longer his responsibility as he had once imagined. It would be his brother’s responsibility to find her a good Lord to marry.

The journey was long. It gave Rydan enough time to think about everything. He knew it was time for him to marry, but he had imagined that he would marry some pretty Lady and settle with her in Eahrora. Never had he imagined himself living in Wheldrake as the King of Aedighar. Those words tasted strange in his mouth, but he couldn’t help to feel excited for what awaited him. It would certainly be more stressful than being a Lord, but Rydan was determined to make it work. Not only that but had heard such sweet words about the woman he would marry.

Lady Antra Rhyne, or Queen Antra, had been on his mind the whole journey. Rydan wondered what she would be like. Sometimes he couldn’t help but think of his sister’s words, how hopeful she had been that they would love each other and be happily married. He knew he wanted nothing more than that, and he didn’t feel strange about how confident he quickly became that it would be like that. If anything he should have known better to have such high expectations, but since he had only heard sweet things about Antra, he thought it would be quite possible.

Once Rydan had seen her in person, he only grew more positive towards the idea of marriage. It didn’t frighten him that they barely knew each other. That was how marriage worked. He was quite lucky to be able to get some time with her before their wedding as he had almost expected them to be married the next week because of political reasons. But what Rydan felt most lucky about was the beauty that Antra had. Had he ever seen a woman so beautiful as her? Now he doubted that, and he didn’t try to hide his sudden attraction towards her.

Their first conversation had been pleasant. Rydan was interested in getting to know Antra. He wanted to know what was important to her, and what she did during tedious hours of the day. Gods, he wanted to know everything, but he knew better than to pester the poor woman with too many questions. At least they had days to get to know each other, and Rydan was excited about it. Not once did he feel nervous. He couldn’t seem to find anything to worry about. Even if they were strangers and being King was a huge responsibility, Rydan liked the idea of it.

With the determination to make it work in the back of his mind, Rydan had found himself walking towards Antra’s room in the evening the day after arriving. Hopefully, it would be too late to spend some time with her. Then when Antra agreed to his offer to take her outside, he smiled, offering her his arm to hold onto as he stepped away from the door.

“I thought we could go down to the harbour.”

"Sounds fun,” Antra nodded, closing the door behind her before holding onto his arm.

“You can be honest with me if my idea sounds awfully boring to you,” Rydan spoke with a smile, looking down at her as he began walking.

Since Rydan barely knew Antra, he had no idea if she would appreciate seeing the sea up close like he did. Perhaps he was only thinking of the harbour because he missed his home. Either way, he wanted to walk with her somewhere a little further away from the castle. The gardens had come to his mind at first, but he imagined that Antra had likely spent a lot of time there already. Though he could have been wrong about that, he thought it was safer to take her to the harbour where they could watch the ships and the sea together.

"It doesn't,” Antra smiled, squeezing his arm.

“I thought about the gardens first, but I thought you might have grown tired of them already.”

"Actually, I'm still quite fond of them. I doubt I'll grow bored of them any time soon,” she chuckled.

“I might have made a mistake then,” Rydan chuckled, “but that means I could take you to the gardens one day.”

"I'd enjoy that."

At least Rydan was aware of that now, and he knew he would try to make her go to the gardens with him one day. Hopefully, they could do that tomorrow, if neither of them would be busy. He knew he wanted to try to spend every day until their wedding together. Not only because he wanted to get to know her, but her company was enjoyable.

“So I take it that you enjoy Wheldrake? Or am I wrong for assuming that?”

 

[desti]

There was nothing wrong at all with visiting the harbour. Antra found the sound of waves comforting and she quite liked being there. Nilfgaard was far from the sea, therefore this wasn’t something that she’d been used to. It was so surreal to look out into the horizon and see nothing but the endless sea. The harbour near the castle itself was peaceful and nice, while the one in the city was rather dreadful, from what Antra had heard.

Since there were so many people in Wheldrake, the main harbour of the city was incredibly busy, because of all the trading ships that visited from all over the world. There was always noise coming from there and that was only the smallest complaint Antra had heard about it. After everything that had been told to her, Antra decided quite quickly that she didn’t want to go there. Not like anyone would allow her to visit the slums, anyways.

Contrary to what Rydan apparently believed, Antra hadn’t gotten bored of the gardens yet. She did hope that he’d keep his word and take her there sometime. Antra had wandered off there quite a lot and it was the only place where she truly dared to slip away and hide from her guards. It was perhaps stupid of her to do such a thing, but it also allowed Antra to feel like herself again for a blissful moment.

“Wheldrake is alright. I’m still getting used to it,” Antra shrugged, “I suppose you probably haven’t seen much of it yet.”

While Wheldrake was charming in its own way, Antra felt incredibly homesick. She’d spent the war thinking that afterwards she’d go back to Nilfgaard, but now it seemed like Antra wouldn’t go back home for a long, long time. It made her upset, obviously, but there wasn’t anything she could really do about it. Wheldrake was her new home, but it still didn’t feel like it and Antra doubted that it ever would.

"I haven't, but I'm sure I will get used to living here one day. Though I imagine it must be strange for you to get used to a life so far south from your home."

“It is rather different here than it is in the North. I miss Nilfgaard,” Antra sighed, then smiled up at him, because she didn’t want to think too much about it, “tell me about your home, Lord Rydan.”

"I lived in a small castle in Eahrora. It's by the sea, close to the South. Though it is small, it's very beautiful there as long as you can ignore the smell of fish."

Admittedly, Antra hadn’t heard of it apart from what Brynden had told her. She really only knew the bare minimum about Rydan, but perhaps that was better. Antra could hear it all from Rydan himself and maybe that would make them bond with each other. Once Rydan mentioned the South, though, Antra got a stupid idea into her mind that she tried to shake away so that she wouldn’t think about Elias.

“I’m sure it’s lovely apart from that,” Antra chuckled.

"I hated it as a child, but I think I have gotten used to it by now."

“Do you miss it already?”

"Yes, of course. I miss my family, but I'm sure I will be able to visit them one day."

Perhaps Antra could go with Rydan and then she could excuse herself and ride further South for whatever reason. Again, Antra tried to stop those stupid ideas from coming into her mind and instead she thought of Brynden and Willelm. They’d always been together every day, how would she cope with being so far away from them now? It made Antra sad to think about being so far away from them, but she didn’t want to be upset so she tried to focus on Rydan.

“Definitely,” Antra smiled and squeezed his arm, “tell me about them.”

"I have a younger brother and sister. My sister was very excited when I told her I would marry you. I have never seen her so happy before."

“That’s nice. I’m glad she’s happy for you,” Antra chuckled.

"I'm sure she would love to meet you one day."

“Surely that can be arranged.”

"I'm sure she would appreciate that, but I also have to tell you that she is quite outspoken. Sometimes she forgets her courtesies."

In a way, Antra even welcomed that. Everyone was so careful around her these days that she almost wanted someone to just be honest with her and not act like she would cut their heads off for the wrong word. It was silly to her. Antra liked courtesies, but sometimes the people here took it a little bit too far and it just became annoying and frustrating.

“That’s quite alright. Everyone around me is almost too courteous these days,” Antra shrugged.

"Does that bother you?"

“I suppose in a way. It just feels like there’s a handful of people in Wheldrake that actually talk to me like a person.”

"That doesn't sound very nice. I'm sure we both have to get used to that, though."

“I guess so,” Antra shrugged, “you can be honest with me, though.”

"I hope so, and you can be honest with me as well."

Just how honest could she be with him, though? Lying was never something she liked to do, nor was she any good at it. Not telling him something wouldn’t count as that, though, right? It was stupid of Antra to even think about keeping Elias a secret, though, as she knew that she’d need to and want to tell Rydan eventually. Preferably sooner, rather than later.

“Good,” Antra smiled, looking up at him.

"Are you nervous about all of this?"

It obviously made Antra nervous, mostly because she was worried that they wouldn’t work. She wanted this to work out and she wanted to eventually love Rydan and be happy with him. The possibility that it wouldn’t frightened her and Antra didn’t want to be in a loveless marriage.

“Of course,” she chuckled, “are you?”

 

[scoorpiuuss]

When Rydan had first been informed of the plans of a marriage, he had been worried. There were many possible scenarios where nothing would work out for him. Quickly he had realised that those worries were pointless. There was no reason for him to make himself nervous about something that he should have been prepared for. A marriage to a stranger was almost bound to happen. Rydan knew it was better to look at the positive aspect of it rather than filling his head with endless worries about everything that could potentially go wrong.

If anything it made more sense for Rydan to be worried about his new responsibility as the new King, rather than worrying about marrying Antra. But he didn’t want to worry about anything. Antra was a beautiful and kind woman, that was easy for him to see. With time and patience, and perhaps a lot of work, Rydan imagined they would be able to get through their marriage without hating each other. He didn’t have any reason to hate Antra, and she had no reason to hate him. Neither would he try to give her a reason to hate him.

Therefore, Rydan was quite positive towards their marriage. Even if they wouldn’t love each other, he thought it wouldn’t be difficult for them to get along. He found it easy to have a conversation with her, and he imagined that wouldn’t fade as long as they both stayed interested in getting to know each other.

“Not really, no,” Rydan said, looking down at her with a gentle smile.

"How come?"

“I don’t see the reason in filling my head with worries. Instead, I choose to be positive,” he nodded.

"That's smart."

“There are many things that could go wrong, but why should I worry about it? I’d rather be excited for all the good things that could come from this.”

Rydan was aware that it was a lot easier said than done, but he wanted Antra to understand that she truly didn’t have anything to worry about when it came to him. Though, he did understand that they were different, and perhaps she had good reason to worry. Either way, he wanted to make her feel safe, make her see that he wouldn’t treat her badly. Had he been his younger self, she would have a reason to worry. He had been irresponsible then, and incredibly disrespectful towards women, but that was in the past. He was better now.

"I suppose that's true. I'll try to think the same way,” Antra chuckled.

“But I want to know more about you,” Rydan grinned.

"I'm not that interesting. I'd rather hear about you,” she smiled.

“You’re free to ask about anything. I promise I will answer truthfully.”

"It's incredibly difficult to think of a question to ask, Lord Rydan."

At that Rydan chuckled, nodding as he agreed it was often difficult to think of the right questions to ask, “I understand. Because we’re going to the harbour, I think I should tell you I have a big passion for ships and the sea. My family are traders.”

"I've never actually been on a real ship."

“It’s exciting,” Rydan chuckled.

There was nothing quite like being out on the open sea. Rydan had never travelled far, but he had loved every second of it as a younger man. As soon as he had become the Lord of Eahrora though, he hadn’t had much time for travelling. He had given that responsibility to his brother who was often gone for months. His mother had often expressed her worry towards her two sons joining their father out on the sea, but Rydan was glad that she had let them. He had learned a lot for it, and he missed it.

"Have you ever been out in the sea? It sounds terrifying,” Antra chuckled.

“Yes, many times. It isn’t that terrifying once you get used to it.”

"I don't think I'd ever get used to it."

“You won’t know that until you have tried,” he smiled.

"Good point."

Now Rydan couldn’t help but imagine taking Antra out on the sea. Perhaps he could try to convince her to take a ship to the North one day if they would ever have time to visit her family. It sounded like fun to him, and it wouldn’t be too long of a journey. Neither would they be far away from land in case something were to go wrong, though Rydan doubted anything would happen. Already he got excited about that idea, but he decided not to push anything onto Antra now as he didn’t want to pressure her into anything she perhaps wouldn’t enjoy.

“I never travelled far, though.”

"Would you like to?"

“Of course, but I don’t think I’ll have time for that now.”

"Perhaps one day."

Rydan moved his hand to rest over hers, giving it a gentle squeeze as he smiled. He didn’t stop to think that maybe he was getting ahead of himself, but it was meant as a kind gesture. “I’d love to take you with me if I ever get time to travel.”

 

[desti]

It wasn’t that hard to speak to Rydan. Antra thought that he seemed like a smart, kind man and she liked that a lot. He hoped that she could begin thinking like him and try to focus on the positive things that could potentially come from their marriage. How happy could her marriage be if Antra loved someone else, though? Gods, what would Rydan even think of that.

Now that Antra thought about telling him someday, she realised that perhaps his feelings about it would be harsher than she’d expect. She failed to realise that this might be a big deal to some people, even if Antra would brush it off as something irrelevant. If Rydan would tell her that he had a woman that he loved, then she didn’t think she’d care all that much. That didn’t mean that her husband would feel the same way, though.

At least speaking about traveling took Antra’s mind off of everything. She did want to see the world, but she imagined that it would be quite impossible now. That would probably be the same for Rydan as well. They wouldn’t have time to go travel and see new places, as they’d just simply be too busy for all of that. That was a shame, but Antra would just have to live with it.

“And I’d love to join you,” Antra said with a smile as she looked up at him.

"I'm already looking forward to it."

“It does sound fun.”

"I promise you won't regret it."

It was easy for Antra to imagine how romantic it could potentially be. That was stupid, but it still was fun to imagine. It made her a little giddy and Antra couldn’t help but smile to herself as they walked, and she absentmindedly moved to be closer to Rydan. How badly would he think of her once he’d find out about everything she’d done?

"So what do you like doing when you're bored?"

“I just usually find someone to spend my time with. I don’t like being alone too much.”

“Who do you spend time with?"

“Usually I’m with either Willelm or Lady Aryana. Everyone else is usually too busy.”

"If you ever want to spend some time with me, you know where to find me. I'll try not to be too busy."

“I’ll be sure to do that.”

They were getting along for now and Antra obviously enjoyed it. She wanted to enjoy that for as long as she could, so Antra didn’t doubt she’d try to find Rydan as often as possible. It was nice to spend time with him and Antra wanted to do it every day, but she’d try not to be too annoying. The last thing Antra wanted to do was bother Rydan.

"I hope I'm not boring to you, though."

“Not at all,” Antra smiled and squeezed his arm gently.

"Good, that makes me happy."

For a moment, Antra leant against him before she moved away from him again. It was stupid, but she wanted to kiss him just to know if it felt right or wrong to do it. Maybe it was too soon, though. That was fine and Antra would just control herself. Besides, it would likely just make her think of Elias and how much she missed kissing him.

There was a comfortable silence between them as they walked. Antra held onto Rydan maybe a little too tightly, but she liked having his company. It made her feel safe, even though there was a quiet pair of guards following them not too far behind. Once they came closer to the water, Antra thought it was rather pleasant, even if the breeze coming in was just a little chilly.

“It’s beautiful.”

“It is,” Antra smiled and looked around.

It was rather empty here, which was very much welcomed at the moment. The ships that were docked had some signs of life in them, but it seemed like its sailors, merchants and passengers were sleeping or right about to head to bed. Antra wondered about them and she wanted to know where each ship was headed and what it would see on its journey. It was exciting and she found herself gripping onto Rydan’s arm with both of her hands.

"Do you think the water is cold?"

Antra chuckled and looked up at him, “probably. I’d rather not find out if it’s so, though.”

"Are you afraid of the water?"

“No.”

"You seem a little afraid."

“I’m not,” Antra giggled while she tried to convince him.

“Are you sure?”

At that, Rydan went closer to the water and Antra hesitantly followed him. She wasn’t afraid of water, she wasn’t like Rhea who avoided it like a plague. Antra enjoyed it, actually, especially the hot springs back in Nilfgaard that were so pleasant to spend time in. The water in front of her seemed a lot less inviting, though, it seemed cold and rather dirty as she looked down at it.

Actually, Antra didn’t quite appreciate the grin that was on Rydan’s face as he turned around to face her. She stood taller then, staring right back at him, “what?”

"You look a little pale."

“That’s rude,” Antra chuckled and pushed her hand against his arm gently.

"Says the one almost pushing me into the water."

“I barely even touched you!” Antra laughed and took a step away from him, shaking her head at him.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

It was rather surprising for Rydan to find himself laughing as much as he did now. Antra had such a bright personality. Watching how her face lit up when she laughed almost caught him off guard as it was such a mesmerising sight. She was gorgeous. He was glad that his friends from Eahrora weren’t here to see her. They would have made inappropriate comments while trying to convince him to do cruel things. Rydan was felt at ease without their constant chatter, allowing himself to admire Antra’s beauty and bubbly personality.

“What if I had fallen? Would you have saved me or let me drift away?” Rydan asked, raising his eyebrow at her as she stepped away, though he couldn’t help but chuckle at his terrible humour.

"You'd have to be very clumsy to fall in,” she chuckled.

“That’s true, but perhaps I’m very clumsy.”

Rydan liked to believe he had good balance. If Antra would have tried to push him in, he thought she wouldn’t have been successful. After years of being pushed onto the ground while training, he felt he had learned now how to position himself right. He was also a lot stronger than Antra. It was all just for simple fun as he was trying to get to know Antra better. He liked seeing and hearing her laugh, and right now that was his primary goal.

"You're still standing, so that means you're not."

“True,” Rydan chuckled, taking a step away from the water and closer to her.

When a slight silence settled between them, Rydan heard the sound of waved washing onto the shore. It was a peaceful sound, reminding him of his home as he reached down to take Antra’s hands. They barely knew each other, but since they would soon be married, he didn’t think it was wrong of him to give her some affection. He felt relieved when she didn’t seem uncomfortable at his touch. Antra giggled, which caused him to laugh. Now he was definitely looking forward to spending his days with her. This was fun.

“You’re very pretty.”

"You're pretty, too."

That made Rydan smile as he squeezed her hands. For a moment then he wanted to thank Lord Brynden for giving him this opportunity. Antra was such a sweet woman, and he still thought he was incredibly lucky that he would get to marry her, even if that meant he was getting a little bit ahead of himself. Antra squeezed his hands back, but he let one of her hands go as he still held the other tightly before he began walking towards where the cliffside met the shore. He could barely see the castle from how tall the cliffs were once he stood below them.

Antra seemed to be distracted as she walked a little behind him, but Rydan found himself smiling as he glanced over at her. Gods, he couldn’t stop thinking about how beautiful she looked. His friends would have for sure called him pathetic for it, but he didn’t care. They weren’t here. Only when he stopped did he take her other hand again, pulling her a little closer to him.

“Are you enjoying yourself?”

At that, she nodded while she swung their hands back and forth. That made him feel good. He wanted her to have a good time with him. He looked down at their hands, lacing their fingers together as he pulled her even closer. Again Antra giggled, and he couldn’t stop smiling as his gaze went back to her. Rydan wondered what it would be like to spend the rest of his life with her. Since he didn’t worry too much about it, the thought of it was rather blissful. Especially now when he saw how happy Antra looked with his company.

“You look very happy.”

"Maybe I am,” she shrugged.

“I hope you are. I’m very happy.”

"I'm glad."

Rydan let go of her hand, raising it to place his fingers against her cheek. Her skin felt warm against his rather cold fingertips. For a moment he had worried that he had gone too far, but Antra moved her hand to rest it over his, which made him feel at ease. Lazily he stroked his thumb over her cheek. He wanted to tell her that she was beautiful again, but he wasn’t sure if she would appreciate that. Instead, he smiled at her, chuckling quietly at how happy this was making him feel.

Then Antra pulled his hand away from her face, taking it in hers again. Rydan didn’t mind it. She was the one in charge here, the one to set boundaries that he wouldn’t step over. If he had gone too far, then he would remember not to get ahead of himself again. Either way, it was nice just to stand here and hold her hand for now.

“If you want to go back, then don’t be afraid to tell me.”

"I don't,” she said, squeezing his hands.

“Good,” Rydan nodded, tearing his gaze away from her as he turned slightly to look at the ocean.

Antra stepped closer to him, and Rydan let go of her hand so he could wrap his hand around her shoulders to pull her even closer to him. His grip wasn’t tight so if she wanted to move away, she could. Though he hoped she wouldn’t as he thought it was nice to stand there with her leaning onto him.

 

[desti]

There was some sort of feeling inside of her that made Antra pull his hand away from her face. It had felt nice when he touched her cheek, and too many thoughts rushed into Antra’s mind. She though of Rydan and how handsome he looked and at the same time she thought of Elias. It must’ve been the latter thought that made her take his hand in hers, even if his touch was very much welcome.

It didn’t quite feel wrong, but perhaps it was because of how nice it felt that Antra felt the need to stop it. Was she afraid that she’d like it too much? That almost made sense to her. Perhaps Antra just felt guilty that she was enjoying this. That was stupid and she realised it. Elias wasn’t hers and she wasn’t his. If anything, Antra should feel guilty about their relationship, not what could potentially blossom between Rydan and her.

It would be unfair towards Rydan for Antra to feel like this, so she tried to get those thoughts away from her by stepping closer to him again. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, and Antra leant against his side, wrapping her arms around his middle. Was that going too far? Antra wasn’t sure, but she was sure that this was extremely comfortable and nice.

Rydan’s figers stroked against her shoulder and Antra smiled as she found herself looking up at him instead of the ocean. She didn’t quite know him yet, she didn’t know if his kindness was an act or if it was genuine, but she chose to believe that he was a good man. So far, Rydan hadn’t given her any reason to believe otherwise. It was almost bad that he seemed so nice, as Antra was afraid that she’d hurt him by telling him about how she was in love with someone else.

Maybe Antra was staring at him too obviously, because Rydan tore his gaze away from the scenery and looked down at her with a smile. She smiled back at him before she quickly turned away, resting her head gently against his shoulder while she looked out into the blue. This was strange, just a little, most of all it seemed so very romantic, straight out of a bard’s song. Antra hadn’t shared anything like this with Elias, because of how secretive they had to be.

"I could stand here for hours."

“We might freeze then,” Antra mumbled and chuckled.

"Are you getting cold?"

“Just a little.”

At that, Antra pushed a little closer to him. His body against hers was giving her some much needed warmth, even if she wasn’t as chilly as she pretended to be. Maybe Antra could’ve even done without him against her, but now that she knew how nice it felt, she wanted to stay with him like this for longer, especially when Rydan wrapped his arms around her. It felt right, even if Antra didn’t want to admit that because of how much she longed for Elias.

While they stood there in each other’s arms, Antra really hoped that this would work out. She doubted that it would, but she stayed hopeful, just in case. Antra at least hoped that they wouldn’t hate each other, because that possibility frightened her too much. She didn’t want to loathe or fear her husband. The thought made her press closer against him, squeezing her arms around him.

"We could go back if you're feeling cold."

“But I like being here with you.”

"We'll stay for a little longer then."

“Good,” Antra smiled.

Gods, Antra was too nervous about whether or not she’d be capable of loving him. It shouldn’t be that hard, right? Rydan seemed sweet and kind, and they were already standing together so closely after barely knowing each other. That had to be a good sign, but Antra still was so nervous about it all, since the rest of her life depended on it. Not only hers, but Rydan’s as well, and she assumed that their children too would be happier if their marriage would succeed.

“Tell me more about yourself.”

Rydan seemed to think for a while before answering, "though I prefer travelling by ship, I enjoy the nature on land a lot as well."

“I love nature,” Antra immediately said and smiled, “I like wandering around forests. It’s exciting.”

"It is exciting and very peaceful. I find it relaxing."

“Me too. It’s so wonderful.”

"We should do that together sometime as well."

“I’d like that a lot.”

It seemed like they could bond over these things and that made Antra excited to do all of them. The thought of Elias was the only thing holding Antra back, but she tried to shove him away from his mind. It wasn’t the time to think about him. When Antra would be in her room alone again, she could feel guilty about what had happened, but right now Antra tried not to get into that mindset. It’d only ruin their pleasant evening.

"I'll make sure to remember it."

“Please do,” Antra chuckled.

"If you promise to take me to the North sometime."

“I will. I’d love to show you how lovely it is. That also means we have to go to Eahrora one day.”

"Of course. I will take you there one day."

Obviously it made her think of Elias again, but Antra tried to focus on Rydan again. She forced herself to imagine what Eahrora might look like and then it was easier for her to not think about what was lost. Antra thought it was exciting that she might be able to travel and see where Rydan had grown up in, after or before showing him her home.

“Please,” Antra smiled, “perhaps we can meet your family then, as well.”

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Though the view of the ocean was amazing, Rydan found it hard to look away from Antra. Soon the sun would set, but he didn’t mind if they would stay here until it got dark. There were guards to protect them, and he doubted that anyone here would want to hurt them. The only thing they had to worry about was the cold that came creeping up on him. It was nice to have Antra so close to him then, feeling the warmth of her body against his. All of this was making him extremely hopeful, and now his expectations were perhaps too high.

Rydan thought that Antra was more than welcome to meet his family. It would only be strange not to let her meet them since they would be married. He only worried that she wouldn’t like the type of people that lived in Eahrora. The thought of his friends came back to him, but he knew once he would be her husband, he would protect her. That would be his duty, and he wouldn’t let anyone hurt her. She would be safe with him.

“I’d love to introduce you to them.”

"I can't wait to meet them then,” she smiled.

“They’ll like you.”

"You think so?"

“Yes,” Rydan chuckled as he nodded.

There was no doubt about that. His family would adore Antra. He imagined his sister would be too happy to see her, while his brother would likely treat her as part of the family. It was a nice thought, and he knew that she would be welcomed by them. Now they only had to find time for all of this. They had already planned so much, and they barely knew each other. Already he felt like they were getting along, and Rydan liked that.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that,” Antra smiled.

“You have nothing to worry about when it comes to my family.”

"Then I won't worry."

“Good,” he smiled.

"Is there anything I should worry about?"

“Not as long as I’m with you to protect you, no.”

"Alright."

Even if his friends somehow would manage to spit a few words at her or attempt to persuade him into doing something, Rydan imagined they wouldn’t be able to hurt them. They were childish, he knew that, but they were his friends, and they had been for such a long time that Rydan had gotten used to it. Antra on the other hand he imagined wouldn’t appreciate it at all. There was no need to make her worry about that now though. He knew he would protect her, and he wouldn’t let his friends harm her.

Rydan pulled her closer to him, squeezing his arms around her as he closed his eyes for a moment. Why did it feel so right to stand here with her? He decided not to bother his head with those thoughts. Instead, he wanted to enjoy this for as long as it would last.

"You're very sweet."

“Really?”

"Yes, really,” Antra chuckled.

“That is very kind of you to say.”

Antra shrugged, leaning him to hug him again. Rydan gave her another squeeze before she pulled away from him. The sudden loss of her warmth against him made him realise how cold it actually was. He longed for her to stand close to him again, but he wouldn’t pressure her into anything.

“Do you want to go back?”

"Do you?" Antra asked, smiling as she took her hands.

“I don’t mind,” he smiled.

"We can go back then. It's getting late."

At that Rydan nodded, letting go of her hands and holding out his arm to her so she could hold onto him if she wanted to. Antra took his arm, leaning slightly against him as he began walking away from the harbour. It was getting late, which was a shame because he would have liked to stay there with her for longer. Now he hoped they would have more time tomorrow so they could go to the gardens. That would be nice, and he would try not to busy himself too much so he would have more time to spend with Antra.

For the walk back to the castle, Rydan stayed quiet, enjoying the peaceful silence between them. It didn’t feel wrong that they didn’t have anything to talk about right now. If anything it felt natural. He didn’t say another word until he had escorted her back to her bedchamber and they had stopped outside her door.

“I had a lot of fun. Thank you for spending time with me, Lady Antra.”

"I enjoyed this too."

“I’m glad you did. I hope I’ll get to take you to the gardens tomorrow.”

"I'd love that.”

“Goodnight,” Rydan nodded with a smile as he was about to step away from her.

Antra didn’t let him as she put her hands on his shoulder, leaning up to kiss him. It was sweet, very innocent in his eyes, but Rydan enjoyed it. He couldn’t help but kiss her back at how nice her lips felt against his, and he placed his hands on her waist to hold her close to him. This wasn’t something he had expected to happen, but he didn’t complain. If anything he was thrilled that it had happened. Gods, it felt amazing. Rydan moved one hand to rest against her cheek, holding her face close as he kept kissing her. Perhaps that was wrong of him, but he couldn’t stop.

 

[desti]

Antra hadn’t planned on kissing him and perhaps it had been a bad decision. She simply wanted to see how it felt like and, honestly, she didn’t think that much of it. Kissing had become something so familiar to her that she forgot how special and intimate it really was. As their lips moved against each other’s, Antra couldn’t help but smile a little. It felt different than with Elias, but she couldn’t quite figure out in what way. She knew for sure that it felt quite nice, though.

Obviously that made Antra think about how other things would feel with Rydan. That was so stupid of her, considering how little she knew him. At the same time, did time really matter in their case? They would marry after just a few weeks of knowing one another. If Antra wanted to think such things of him, then she thought she should be free to do so. Not like she’d actually go through with any of it until their wedding.

Eventually, Antra pulled away from the kiss and moved her hand to rest on his wrist as she looked up at him. He really was handsome and at least that made her happy. Rydan looked like he enjoyed it as well, and suddenly Antra felt like she really, really needed to tell him everything as soon as possible. Was that stupid? Probably.

“I want to be honest with you, Lord Rydan. You deserve that,” Antra said, “I don’t think it’d be fair for you to marry me without knowing this.”

"Okay, tell me."

Now the happiness was gone from his face and Antra pulled her hands away from him and took a step back. She imagined that he wouldn’t be too happy about this. At the same time, Antra didn’t want to speak of this in the hallway, so she opened the door to her room and walked inside, expecting him to follow. Rydan did just that and once the door shut behind him, Antra turned to him again and smiled.

“If you don’t like me anymore after this, then that’s alright. I understand.”

"What is it?"

Because Antra liked to be honest and because she thought that ultimately this was the right decision, she didn’t find it too hard to be truthful with Rydan about this. She wanted him to know, preferably sooner rather than later. Then he would have the chance to know what he was getting into before their wedding. Not that he could back out of it, but Antra still thought it was better that he found out at the beginning.

“I just wanted you to know that I’m in love with someone else. I’m sorry.”

That made Rydan grow quiet and look away from her. Antra had expected that and she doubted that he would be alright with this. The evening had made her think that perhaps they would’ve worked out, would it not be for Elias. Now, she wasn’t so sure anymore. Antra knew it would be her fault if it wouldn’t work out because of this, but she’d try to prevent that.

“I know it’s a lot to take in and this probably wasn’t what you were expecting to hear,” Antra said as she walked a little closer to him.

"It wasn't."

“I thought I would just tell you as soon as possible. Perhaps now wasn’t the right time, but I doubt it’d ever be for something like this.”

"Thank you for telling me."

“It’s only right that you know. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you.”

That was the last thing that Antra wanted to do, but Rydan looked so lost at her words. Now Antra was glad that she hadn’t waited until telling him. She imagined that he’d take it worse if they were already close to one another. Now that they were still pretty much strangers, Antra found it easier to tell him and she thought that he would handle it better. At least now Antra didn’t have a secret from him and she felt so much lighter now.

"Don't worry about it. I don't control your life or your feelings. If you're in love with someone else, I suppose that's alright."

“It’s not, I shouldn’t be, so I apologise for that.”

"You can't control your feelings."

“I know I can’t. This doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be able to love you, though.”

"I don't know what to say."

“That’s alright. I don’t expect you to be alright with this and that’s understandable,” Antra shrugged and touched his shoulder gently, in an effort to give him some comfort, “I’m sorry if I ruined this before it even started.”

It was a shame if that was so, but Antra understood. Then she would just have to deal with being in a loveless marriage and somehow they would have to make it work. Antra wanted happiness, but it had been her mistake to fall in love with Elias, knowing full well that they could never have each other.

"You haven't ruined anything,” Rydan said and he looked at her, making Antra almost believe him.

“Alright. Talk to me when you’re ready,” Antra said and smiled at him.

Their plans to go to the gardens were probably cancelled now. Antra imagined that he likely wouldn’t want his family to meet her either. She figured that his little sister would be disappointed, just like Rydan probably was right now. The hug that Rydan gave her then was a surprise, but Antra didn’t really mind it. She hugged him back and rubbed his back gently. It didn’t seem like he hated her, but Antra wasn’t quite sure about that just yet. Maybe he just didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

"Don't worry about it."

Antra didn’t reply to that and just pulled away from the hug so that Rydan could leave, if he wanted to. That made Rydan speak to her again, "I still want to take you to the gardens tomorrow if you'll let me. I like being with you, Antra."

“Really?” she tilted her head slightly, not really able to hide her surprise from him.

“Yes.”

“Only if you want to,” Antra smiled at him and leant back in to hug him again before he’d leave.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Unpleasant News
Chapter CXV
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar
​

A few days after the wedding, Leanah had decided that it was time for her to tell Arthor about her secret. Every part of her wanted to stay with Adian for the day, afraid of what would happen once Arthor would know the truth. For a moment before leaving her bedchamber, she worried that Arthor would hurt her. She hoped he wouldn’t, also hoping that he wouldn’t react badly at all as she knew their whole friendship depended on this. The Arthor she knew had always been difficult to talk to about serious topics, but she hoped that he had changed.

That evening Leanah left without informing Adian about where she would be. It was better if he didn’t know, as she imagined he would try to convince her not to see Arthor, but she had to. Since Adian wasn’t in their room that evening, it was easy for Leanah to get away with it as she walked down the hallways of the castle towards Arthor’s bedchamber. Now she only hoped that Arthor was there and that he was alone.

Leanah needed to get it off her chest. Though it had only been a few days since she had figured out she was pregnant, it had messed with her mind, complicating her emotions towards Adian more and more for each day that passed. Arthor was the one who deserved to know first. He would be the father of her child, and Leanah thought that he was the only one she could trust with this right now. Even if she knew she could trust Adian, she wasn’t ready to tell him just yet, imagining that those news would break his heart.

On her way to Arthor, Leanah kept thinking about what Adian and her mother had said about him. He wasn’t a good person, and not a good friend either. They didn’t know him like she did, though. That was what she kept telling herself while still knowing that she would push Arthor away from her for the last time if he would hurt her now. This was his last chance, and Leanah was determined to make it work. It had to work. She needed his support more than ever now, thinking that he was the only one that could help her.

There was still uncertainty in her if she wanted to ask Arthor help her get rid of it. Leanah thought it would be for the better if there was a way, but in the end, this was her child. The initial hatred she’d had for it had faded, but she wasn’t sure if she could ever love her bastard knowing she had betrayed Adian.

Leanah stopped outside of Arthor’s bedchamber, raising her hand to knock at his door. Gods, she prayed that he wouldn’t hurt her and that he wouldn’t push her away now. It was pathetic that she needed him, but how could she do this without him? There was no other way. She would never find the courage to tell Adian unless she spoke to Arthor first. When Arthor opened the door, old memories rushed into her mind of all the times she had come to him in the evening to spend the night with him. Quickly she pushed those thoughts away.

“Lady Leanah.”

“Can we talk?” Leanah asked, without greeting him.

"Yes, of course,” Arthor nodded.

It didn’t feel right when Arthor walked into his room, and Leanah followed. They had shared so many good and bad memories here, and for a moment she stood there, looking around at everything. She was almost reliving their memories as her gaze landed on the bed, wandering towards the wardrobe and then ending up at his desk. At that Leanah shook her head and looked at Arthor. She hated the fact that she still found herself getting lost in his gaze sometimes, but she had mostly gotten over what they had shared.

“I’m sorry if I’m bothering you.”

"You could never bother me. Is something wrong?"

“Yes, very wrong,” she sighed.

"Is it Lord Adian?"

Immediately Leanah shook her head. Adian would never hurt her. From what she had seen there was no doubt that she could trust her husband with her life. He was kind and caring, and she knew he wouldn’t lay a hand on her if she didn’t want to. It was understandable that Arthor asked though as he perhaps didn’t know Adian as well as she did. Arthor had nothing to worry about when it came him.

“No, it’s about us.”

"Us?"

“Yes,” Leanah nodded.

"Have I done something?"

“We did something. We did something very stupid, Arthor.”

Leanah didn’t want to tell him that it was a mistake, even if it was. They should have never been together like they had, even if it had been enjoyable. Their mistake would now ruin her life, and she felt so lost when she stood there trying to keep her gaze on him even if she wanted to look away. They had been good together at one point, but that didn’t matter. Leanah thought that if she had been given a chance to take it all back, she would have, even if she loved Arthor. It wasn’t right what they had done.

"That's in the past. We have to move on from that."

“You don’t understand. I can’t move on. I have ruined my life.”

 

[desti]

Arthor actually thought that he might be able to do this. With the much needed help from Elias, Arthor was trying to work on himself to make up for the mistakes in his past. He wanted to be better, he truly did. That was what Leanah deserved and that was what Elias deserved. Arthor was determined to improve himself and he was taking small steps towards it.

The first thing he did was acknowledge his drunken mistakes on Leanah’s wedding. Now, he didn’t remember it clearly, but he did remember that he was incredibly rude and inconsiderate towards Elias. That must’ve been the first thing he did the next morning. Elias was a blessing, truly, because he was so very supportive and he was helping Arthor get back on the right track after everything.

Meanwhile, Leanah was almost the opposite of Elias right now. Obviously she was still her sweet self, but there was something off about her that Arthor couldn’t place. She seemed distant, and Arthor didn’t know how to react to that. Leanah was so far away from him now, Arthor wouldn’t even dare to call them friends at the moment. Was this how it would be from now on?

It worried him, unsurprisingly, because Arthor feared that things wouldn’t go back to how they used to be. Perhaps he should’ve expected that. After everything that had been between them, maybe they couldn’t be as close as they used to be. It hurt Arthor to realise that and yet he didn’t do anything to change that. Right now it felt right to just leave Leanah alone and let her breathe.

Therefore it was a welcome surprise when Leanah stood at his door. Arthor didn’t want to admit it, but he felt happy to see her. He missed her. More than ever, Arthor missed her company. He missed her smile and laugh and how they used to make fun of everyone around them. Everything had been so simple then, more or less. Arthor wanted to go back to that, but he was so unsure if they ever could.

Her visit didn’t seem to be one to mend their broken friendship. Leanah wanted to talk to him about something, something serious that seemed to be upsetting her greatly. Arthor tried to remain calm and not get too worried and upset already. She sounded distraught and Arthor didn’t like that at all. It made him worry about what had happened and what exactly Leanah meant by saying that she’d ruined her life.

“What?”

"We made a mistake."

“I know, but I don’t understand.”

Their relationship had been a mistake, that wasn’t hard to see. Arthor hated what had happened to them and he wished that he could turn back time and undo it all. It had felt so fucking good at the time, but now he realised how wrong it all had been. Not only because she was a Lady, but also because of how Arthor had treated her throughout their affair. It had been a mistake, no matter how good it had been. Though it was hard to think about that or anything at all when Leanah spoke again.

"I'm with child, Arthor."

The words rang through his ears as he stood there and his gaze shifted down from her to the floor. Leanah was pregnant? It had to be Adian’s child, obviously. It couldn’t be his, no matter what their conversation had been implying. Arthor felt it becoming harder to breathe as he stood there and he tried to calm himself down again while he silently stared at the floor, trying to figure out what this meant.

“Your husband’s child?” Arthor asked, after a short pause and after ignoring what Leanah said while he’d been out of it.

"No, yours."

It couldn’t be his child, even though it made too much sense. Arthor didn’t want to believe it. Gods, how could he have fucked up this badly. Arthor desperately wanted to leave so that he wouldn’t have to face her, but he forced himself to keep his feet glued to the floor. His hand rubbed against his jaw while he tried to figure out what the fuck to say to her. Arthor should’ve known that this could happen, but he hadn’t really considered it and that had obviously been a mistake.

“Leanah…” Arthor mumbled as he lifted his gaze up so that he could look at her again. He felt so fucking sorry that he’d done this to her. Arthor was absolutely horrible and he felt like shit. This must’ve been a punishment from the Gods themselves to both of them for their sins. Leanah didn’t deserve something like that, though, she didn’t deserve to have a bastard and be disgraced. Fuck, Arthor really hated himself right now and he felt fucking pathetic.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? About what? It’s my fault, Leanah. Fuck,” Arthor groaned and rubbed his face, leaning back against the wall behind him, “I”m so sorry.”

"Please, don't."

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Arthor mumbled as he ignored her again.

Would she be getting rid of it? Arthor almost hoped that Leanah would. It would be better for everyone, unless Leanah would be able to hide that it was his child. That didn’t sound easy, though, so Arthor didn’t have high hopes for that. He’d always prayed for a family, but this wasn’t what he’d meant. Arthor would die for this, he was sure of it. Fuck, he would surely hang.

"I don't know what to do, Arthor."

“I’m so sorry,” Arthor felt stupid, but apologising just felt right at this point, even if it didn’t really do anything.

“Stop.”

At that Arthor nodded just a little bit, because he could feel himself slipping again. He had to keep his head, he knew that. Arthor tried to calm down while he took deep breaths and focused on Leanah, trying not to let the guilt inside of him eat him up. What good would that do?

"Have you told anyone else?"

 

[scoorpiuuss]

This was the reaction Leanah had expected, but not the one she had hoped for. She had come to Arthor for help and support. That was what she needed as she knew she couldn’t carry this secret alone anymore. It would have destroyed her if she had tried to keep it to herself for any longer. Seeing Arthor seemingly panic about what she had just told him, didn’t make her feel any better. It only made her realise how serious this was, and how it could ruin both of their lives if anyone they couldn’t trust would hear about this.

Leanah didn’t know what to do. All she could see was her own life slipping through her fingers because of this. Gods, she wanted to hold onto Arthor for support, but perhaps he wasn’t strong enough for that. Hearing him apologise made her upset. She knew it was a mistake, and she knew they both were to blame for it. She didn’t want to hear his apologies. They didn’t matter. They wouldn’t fix this problem or make it any better.

“No,” Leanah mumbled, walking over to his bed as her body suddenly felt so heavy.

"Are you going to keep it?"

“I don’t know. Do you want me to get rid of it?” She asked, sitting down at the edge of the bed as she looked over at Arthor.

There was a moment of silence before Arthor spoke again, “that’s your decision.”

With her hands in her lap, Leanah looked down at her abdomen. Did she truly have the heart to do something like that? She knew that this child could ruin everything for her, Arthor and Adian. As she brought her hands over her abdomen, she knew she couldn’t get rid of it. She wasn’t strong enough for that. At that Leanah shook her head, deciding that she would be keeping the bastard. There had to be something she could do to prevent people from knowing the truth. She would tell them that it was Adian’s child.

“I want to keep it.”

It didn’t seem like that was what Arthor wanted as he grew silent. That didn’t matter. Leanah knew she wouldn’t have the courage to get rid of it. Even if he would have told her to do it, she knew she would end up refusing. While the silence became uncomfortable, Leanah sat there raising her hands to her face as she ran her fingers through her hair. It was a messy situation, and she wasn’t sure how they would get out of it. That was why she had wanted Arthor to help, but perhaps he just needed to think for a while.

“What should I do?” Leanah asked, breaking the silence as she looked up at him.

"Tell him and tell your mother. Fuck, I'm sorry."

“I can’t tell my mother,” she mumbled, ignoring his apology.

"You have to,” Arthor said as he walked over to her.

Leanah shook her head, knowing that wouldn’t end well, “I can’t.”

There was no doubt that her mother wouldn’t like hearing about this at all. Leanah feared that she would end up doing something horrible to Arthor. That wasn’t what she wanted. If anything, Leanah needed Arthor more than ever now. If her mother would get rid of him, then what would she do? Arthor said her name as he kneeled in front of her, and Leanah didn’t look away from him. She knew she should tell her mother, but she didn’t want to. She wasn’t ready for that yet as she was barely ready to tell Adian.

“I can’t, Arthor,” she mumbled.

"She'll find out anyways. Your husband and I aren't exactly twins."

“I’m not ready to tell her yet. I’m afraid she will hurt you. I don’t want that.”

"Don't worry about me. Think about yourself and the child."

“But you’re the father of my child. You’re my best friend. Of course, I worry about you,” Leanah said, reaching for his hand.

“Leanah.”

Arthor took her hand in his and Leanah was quick to squeeze onto it. Her grip was tight as she didn’t want to let go. Now she could only imagine how all of this could go very wrong. If she would tell her mother, she would have to be so careful. Then she would have to defend Arthor because there was no way she would let anyone harm him. Leanah reached for his other hand as well, taking it as she held onto him. Gods, what if she wouldn’t be able to defend him? What if he would be ripped away from her? Leanah didn’t want that.

“Please don’t leave me.”

"I won't. I'm here, Leanah,” Arthor said, squeezing her hands.

“I won’t let anything happen to you or this child.”

At that, Arthor leaned up, wrapping his arms around her as he pulled her into a hug. Leanah felt so relieved. Perhaps she shouldn’t have considering everything he had done to her, but she felt comfortable in his arms. He stroked his hand over her hair, and she felt a kiss being pressed against her head. She was quick to wrap her arms around him as well, clutching onto his shirt as she prayed he wouldn’t be taken away from her.

“I’m so sorry, Arthor.”

 

[desti]

It was taking Arthor so much strength not to freak out. He was already panicking slightly, but he wasn’t showing even half of the emotions he was feeling right now. Arthor kept thinking about how fucked this situation was and how it would likely ruin his and Leanah’s lives. He doubted she’d be able to keep it a secret from either Adian or her mother. When that would happen, Arthor figured that his days would be numbered.

A child, though… Gods, he’d be a father. Not really, obviously, but Leanah would have his child. Already he felt the sudden need to care for her and the child that he likely wouldn’t see grow up. Arthor imagined that he probably had a few bastards roaming around, but this was so much different. This was Leanah. Gods, he was so fucking horrible. She didn’t deserve this.

Arthor tried to keep his hands from trembling while he gently stroked her hair as they hugged. It felt nice to hold her and it didn’t feel like she was uncomfortable and neither was he. Arthor didn’t think at all about what had been between them and how they’d fallen apart, all he could think about now was how he wanted to help her. He didn’t know how though and that was slightly frustrating.

“This is my fault, not yours.”

"It's our fault."

“I’m so sorry that I did this to you.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s really not. This is so wrong.”

With that, Arthor pulled slightly away from her so that he could sit down on the floor by the bed, leaning back against it. He was the absolute worst. Arthor wanted to just stab himself and be done with it so that he wouldn’t bother anyone anymore. All he did these days was fuck something up and ruin other people’s lives and he wanted it all to stop.

“I know.”

At that, Arthor stayed quiet and sunk deeper into his own thoughts. This would be horrible for both of them and Arthor didn’t know what they were supposed to do. The best thing to do would be to get rid of the child, but Leanah didn’t want that, apparently. Arthor respected that, even though he honestly thought that that was the wrong decision, no matter how morally wrong the alternative was.

It was as though Leanah was reading his thoughts when she spoke up again, "I can try to get rid of it if that is what you want."

“But it’s not what you want,” Arthor mumbled.

"I'll do it for you."

“Don’t.”

It would’ve been for the better, of course it would’ve been. Arthor thought that it would finally be the one smart decision they could make, but for whatever reason he couldn’t actually tell her that he wanted her to get rid of it. Maybe it was the moral aspect of it or because it was his child after all, but Arthor couldn’t get those words past his lips. It was so stupid.

"My husband will hate me."

“It’s not your fault, Leanah.”

"Yes, it is. We both messed up."

“We did, but I’m more to blame than you. I don’t want anyone to think badly of you because of this.”

“They will.”

“I don’t want that,” Arthor mumbled.

"That doesn't matter. They'll put the blame on both of us. They'll think badly about us both."

“You only have to tell Adian and your mother. Nobody else has to know about this.”

Obviously the child might come out looking like Arthor, but he thought that even so they could just get away with it. Arthor looked like most people in the South, including the Hastwycks themselves. If people wouldn’t think too much about it, then they could just claim that the child took after Leanah and the Hastwyck line. Arthor figured that both her husband and her mother would be mad at Leanah, but in the end they would probably put all the blame on Arthor and that was fine.

"You said it yourself, you and Adian aren't exactly twins. How long will it take the others to notice that my child isn't my husband's?"

“They can think what they want. It’ll be just simple gossip, nobody will know that it’s true.”

"I'm scared."

“I’m scared, too,” Arthor mumbled and rubbed his hand against his jaw, “this is unfair to you. I’m sorry, Leanah.”

"You don't have to apologise."

“I do. Leanah, if there’s anything I can do then tell me.”

With that, Arthor turned his head so that he could look up at her again. He figured that even if for some miraculous reason Lady Carlys wouldn’t finally chop his head off, Arthor wouldn’t be able to care for the child or for Leanah the way they’d deserve. Arthor could be by their sides and watch over them, protect them, but he’d never be able to be a true father. It hurt to realise that and Arthor tried not to get upset knowing that Adian would get this as well while he’d be alone.

"I need you to be here for me."

“I am. I’ll always be here for you, Leanah.”

"I found out about it before my wedding. I felt so alone."

“You’re not alone anymore, Leanah. I’ll be with you, I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”

Obviously it wouldn’t be easy for Arthor, but perhaps now he could prove to everyone that he could be better. He would take care of Leanah and help her, if she wanted him to. Arthor knew that he wouldn’t be involved in his child’s life and that would be fine no matter how that pained him, but he at least wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t fuck things up with Leanah even further. Arthor was determined to be responsible and be mature about all of this, even though he’d likely have a breakdown the second Leanah would leave the room.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

In her mind, Leanah was going back and forth on whether or not she should keep the child. She had decided that keeping it was what she wanted, but it was conflicting once she realised all the consequences that could come from it. Since she had betrayed both her mother and Adian, she imagined it would be easy for them to hate her. That was what she deserved, but she did hope that they would forgive her and still be able to love her. Leanah doubted that. Who could love her after all her stupid mistakes? Leanah didn’t like the person she had become.

Ever since Timos had died, Leanah had depended too much on Arthor. He had quickly become her everything, and it had made her naive and obsessed with the idea of being with him. Now she realised how foolish that had been of her to do. Arthor had made her weak. It had been so difficult for her to open her eyes from how much the love she had for him had blinded her. They hadn’t been good for each other.

After everything, even after realising that, they were still cursed with this child that would ruin their lives. Leanah knew they deserved it, but she had hoped that the Gods would’ve had mercy on them. At least she wasn’t alone anymore. Arthor was there with her, and even if she felt bad for dragging him into this mess, she knew she couldn’t do this alone. They would have to work through this together. Leanah imagined that would be difficult because of their past, but she wanted to put that behind her and focus on this child and how to protect it.

“What if my mother takes you away from me?” Leanah asked, meeting Arthor’s gaze.

"If she does, then I deserve it."

“I’ll tell her to give me the same punishment as you if she decides to punish you.”

“Leanah…”

Leanah meant what she had said. If her mother would try to punish Arthor, she would request the same punishment to be given to her. It was only fair as they were both to blame for this. They both deserved to be punished even if Leanah hoped that they wouldn’t be. If anything she hoped her mother would try to understand. Leanah knew she had been foolish, but there was nothing she could do about that now.

“I will.”

"Your mother would never harm you."

“That doesn’t matter. We’re both to blame for this. We both deserve to be punished.”

When Arthor began shaking his head, Leanah only nodded. She was serious about this. It would be unfair of her to go through this unharmed if Arthor would be harmed. They had both been foolish for not thinking of the consequences, and for only him to suffer because of it didn’t sound right to her. She knew that Arthor was right that her mother likely would never harm her, but there would be someone out there that would. Perhaps that was morbid of her to think about, but they were in this together now.

"I guess there's no point to try to convince you otherwise,” he mumbled.

“No.”

Arthor nodded which once again made silence settle between them. Leanah tried not to mind it as she shifted her gaze towards her hands again. They should have been smarter than this. How had they been so stupid that the thought of a child hadn’t crossed their minds once? She heard Arthor moving and looked over at him to see him leaning his head back against the mattress.

“We could run away,” Leanah mumbled, knowing she didn’t want that.

“Leanah.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

"We'll figure something out."

How could Arthor be so sure about that? Leanah sighed, nodding as she rose from the bed. She wasn’t sure what she wanted right now. Everything seemed hopeless. She knew she had to tell Adian and her mother, but she didn’t want to in case they would end up hurting Arthor. Their gaze met for a moment until Leanah looked away. There wasn’t much else to tell him now, and she wasn’t sure if it would be smart of her to stay. She walked away from him then, towards the door. Even if she wasn’t alone anymore, she felt lost.

“I’m sorry,” Arthor said.

“Don’t worry,” she mumbled.

"Do you need me to be there with you when you tell them?" He asked, getting up from the floor.

“I’d like that.”

"Alright,” he nodded.

Having Arthor be there to tell both her mother and Adian would be nice. Leanah needed someone to hold onto, and since she still didn’t feel like she deserved to hold onto Adian, she wanted Arthor to be there. It would be so difficult to do it alone, and at least if they would try to hurt Arthor, she could protect him. Again, they were in this together now, and therefore it only felt right that they would tell them together.

“Thank you.”

 

[desti]

The second Arthor agreed to be by her side when she’d break the news to Lady Carlys and Lord Adian, he regretted it. It wouldn’t be pleasant at all and Arthor could already imagine just how badly it could all go. But Arthor had to think about Leanah and he thought that his presence might help her a little bit. He hoped so at least, because he’d do it for her. Gods, this would be so fucking bad, he knew it.

Now Arthor would just have to prepare himself for the upcoming conversations and he definitely wouldn’t be ready for either of them. He would be so fucking nervous and pathetic, he could already imagine himself standing by Leanah’s side with all the colour drained from his face. Not even Elias would be able to calm him down then, but this was the least Arthor could do for Leanah.

“It’s the right thing to do.”

“I agree.”

Arthor didn’t know if it was because he thought that Leanah needed it or because he did, but he walked over to her to hug her again. He missed her and now he feared that this would tear them apart even more. Arthor hated that and he hoped it wouldn’t be true, but he didn’t know how they could go back to normalcy if they’d have a child together. He prayed that they could, though.

“It’s going to be alright,” Arthor mumbled while he stroked his hands over her back.

It wouldn’t be, but Arthor couldn’t tell her that, obviously. He wanted to be there for Leanah now and later her could be upset and angry about everything. Now Arthor just needed to stay calm and be supportive, because that was what a good friend would do. Gods, it was so hard to control himself though and not let Leanah see what he was actually feeling. At his words, Leanah nuzzled her face against his neck and Arthor brought his hand up to stroke against her hair.

“I’ll be there for you and for the child. I promise.”

“Please.”

“I promise, Leanah.”

Now there was no room for any more mistakes. Arthor realised that and he would be determined not to fuck up again. He had to be by Leanah’s side and support her, protect her. Arthor wanted to do that and he would. Gods, he really needed to get a moment alone to really gather his thoughts.

"Good. I want you to be here for us even if you can't be the father of my child."

At that, Arthor nodded and kissed her head again while he held her close against him. Obviously he’d have to tell Elias about this and he hoped that he would help him deal with this. He’d probably think that Arthor was so fucking stupid and he really was. This was such a ridiculous situation to be in and Arthor had no idea how they would ever be able to deal with it.

“This is such a mess, but we’ll figure something out.”

“I hope so.”

When Arthor pulled away from the hug, he tried to smile at her before he pulled his arms away. In reality, he just wanted to hide away and let all his emotions out, but it wasn’t the time for it yet. Arthor had to be patient and supportive now, and he was really trying his best. If anything, Elias should at least be proud of him for managing to do this.

"Do you want me to leave now?"

“If you want to.”

"Of course I want to stay, Arthor."

“Then stay for a while longer.”

There was nothing wrong with it, because Arthor wouldn’t do anything. Leanah was married and even though she was carrying his child, she wasn’t his. He realised that and he knew that all that Elias had said about his obsession with her was true. Arthor had to stop this and he would. He’d keep his hands to himself and his thoughts clear. As clear as they could be after a conversation like this. Truly, he’d be too busy thinking about all of this than to think of Leanah in any inappropriate way.

“Okay.”

But Arthor didn’t want to talk about this anymore, he couldn’t. The more he’d talk about it, the more the risk of him losing it would heighten. Arthor didn’t want to burden her with his thoughts and emotions, so they had to talk about something else. Literally anything else.

“Apart from this, how are you? Is everything alright?”

"Yes. What about you?"

Arthor nodded, “it’s getting better.”

That was, until this. Arthor thought things were going uphill now, but these news brought him right back down again. This could be the end of it all really and could and would fuck everything up that Arthor had wanted to do. How could Lady Carlys ever forgive him after this? Arthor doubted that Lord Adian would want to speak to him either. It was all a mess.

"I'm sorry if this made it more difficult between us."

“Don’t worry about it,” Arthor mumbled and shook his head, walking over to sit down on the bed, “I’m sorry, too.”

Leanah sat down next to him and Arthor looked over to her when she put her hand on his shoulder. It felt nice, comforting, and he was almost surprised that he didn’t think too much of it. It had to be because of all the other thoughts filling his mind.

"I'm glad it's getting better for you."

“It was. I’m not sure what’s going to happen now,” Arthor sighed.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Through everything, Leanah still worried about Arthor. Now they would be reminded of each other until the end of their days even if they wouldn’t want that. She imagined that every time she would look at her child, she would think of him. It was their child. Though it could never be their child for them to raise together, Leanah would always know that Arthor was the father of her child. Because of Adian, that was a conflicting thought to have. She wanted to give Adian children and pretend as if this would be his child, but she would never accept that.

Leanah knew Adian would become more of a father to the child than Arthor could ever be, but in the end, she would always know the truth. For a short blissful moment, she wondered what it would be like. Would her child look like her or Arthor? Perhaps both? It was foolish of her to have such thoughts knowing too well that Arthor and her could never bond over this. The best thing for them would be to pretend that this wasn’t their child, but how could she do that? It was so complicated, and she wished things were different.

“We’ll fix it. I’ll protect you,” Leanah sighed, tightening her grip on his shoulder.

When Arthor only chuckled and nodded, Leanah wondered if he didn’t believe she could protect him. There was no doubt that she would, but she chuckled as well because of how absurd it sounded that she would be protecting him. He was supposed to protect her, but she imagined they could protect each other. Arthor sighed and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She had missed him so much, and she didn’t hesitate to move closer to him to wrap her arms around his waist as she leaned her head against his shoulder.

“Are we still friends?”

"I hope so,” Arthor said while rubbing his hand against her arm.

“I know it might be difficult because of this, but I want to make it work.”

"I do too. I don't want to lose you, Leanah."

Leanah looked up at him, squeezing her arms around his waist, “you will never lose me, Arthor.”

"I hope so."

No matter what Adian or her mother would say, Leanah knew too well that she wouldn’t be able to let go of Arthor. Even if she wasn’t in love with him anymore, they had been such good friends that she was willing to put everything that he had done wrong behind her to give him a new chance. It was foolish of her to do so, but it felt like the right thing to do. She hoped they would be able to go back to how they had used to be. It would likely be difficult because of the child, but she was determined to make it work. It had to work.

“You won’t.”

"Good,” he mumbled.

Leanah had never expected her first child to be a bastard. She wasn’t sure if she was even ready for a child. Since she had just married Adian, there were likely many who were waiting for it, but she doubted they had expected it to happen so quickly. Would they get suspicious because of that? Leanah hoped the people were dumb enough to believe that Adian and her had just been very lucky.

"How are things working out with Lord Adian?"

“Good. He is very kind, and we get along well.”

"That's good,” Arthor nodded.

“I doubt that will last, though.”

"You don't know that."

“But I do.”

There was no way Leanah could imagine Adian forgiving her for this. He hadn’t been angry with her once she had told him about Arthor, but this was something else. This was a child wouldn’t be his which meant that she had betrayed him. Neither did it seem like Adian was very fond of Arthor. What would he think of Arthor being the father of her child? No, Leanah knew this would ruin her marriage, but she didn’t deserve the kindness Adian was giving her either way. Perhaps it was for the better if he hated her.

"If he's as kind as you say, then he might be willing to listen and to understand,” Arthor said while stroking her arm.

“I doubt that.”

"I'll be there. We can talk. I don't want this to ruin your marriage."

Perhaps Adian would understand if he would get an apology from both of them. Leanah didn’t want this child to ruin her marriage either, but it was so easy for her to imagine that it would. Who would want their wife to carry another man’s child? She nodded at his words, hoping that they would be able to make both Adian and her mother understand. Leanah knew she should have listened to her mother, but it was too late now. All she could do was deal with the consequences, and she would.

“I don’t want it to ruin my marriage either. I hope it won’t.”

"I hope so too."

“Thank you for being here for me, Arthor.”

 

[desti]

It seemed obvious that Leanah’s marriage would suffer because of this. No matter how kind Adian was, Arthor doubted that he would be alright with this. Who would be? It was such a shitty situation and this was only making it all worse. Arthor hated that he was ruining her marriage, he hated all of this, but there wasn’t anything they could do about it now.

“It’s the least I can do.”

“But I’m still thankful.”

It felt strange to think about how they would have a child together. Everyone would think that it was Adian’s, but they’d know the truth. Would Leanah let Arthor spend time with the child at all? Maybe that wasn’t a good idea, but suddenly Arthor craved it. He wanted children, he’d always wanted a family, and this was likely the only way he’d get it, no matter how shitty it was. Arthor wished things were different.

“I want to take care of you.”

“I need you to take care of me.”

At that, Arthor nodded and pulled her closer against him, kissing her head. He would take care of her and the child if he could. Arthor would be better, he promised it to Leanah, to Elias and himself. Now he had to take responsibility about this and he would, or at least he would try his best not to be a fucking idiot about all of this. It still didn’t feel wrong when they laid down with each other. Perhaps it should’ve, but Arthor was glad that he didn’t feel weird about it. He just kept his arms around her and tried to keep himself calm.

Leanah’s fingers were stroking over his torso, moving from his chest to his shoulder. Arthor looked up at the ceiling and the situation felt so very familiar to how things used to be between them, but he didn’t allow himself to think about that. It was over and he had to be alright with it. Now he was just comforting a friend and that was it. Granted, the friend was carrying his child, but he ignored that little piece of information for now.

“We’ll be okay.”

“I hope so,” Arthor mumbled, stroking his fingers against her shoulder.

“I promise.”

After a short moment of silence, Arthor chuckled a little, “we’re so dumb.”

“We are.”

Because Leanah chuckled, it made Arthor smile a little bit while he squeezed his arms around her. They were so stupid and naive. No normal person would ever do the mistakes they had, much less repeat them again and again over time.

“Are you okay though?”

“Apart from this, I’m doing alright.”

“Does this upset you?”

“Of course it does.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’ll be fine,” Arthor mumbled.

“Okay.”

It was such a messy situation, but Arthor hoped that everything wouldn’t go as badly as he imagined. He wanted everything to work out between him and Leanah, as well as Leanah and Adian. They should’ve never gotten to this point, but now there was nothing they could do about it. Fuck, he was such an idiot… his thoughts calmed slightly when Leanah’s hand moved to stroke his hair. It was so nice and soothing, Arthor couldn’t help but enjoy it a little bit too much.

“I miss you,” Arthor sighed, before quickly continuing so that she wouldn’t get the wrong idea, “just us spending time together. I miss that.”

“We can spend more time together if you want.”

“I’d like that. Only if you’re alright with it.”

“Of course, I miss you too, Arthor.”

At that, Arthor nodded and pulled her closed. He wished that they’d be able to go back to being good friends like they used to be. It’d take effort from both of them, but Arthor wanted it so badly. It obviously would become a lot more difficult now because of the child, but perhaps they could still manage. Arthor was ready to fight for it and work hard to get them back to how they were before things got complicated.

The hand that was in his hair moved away and Leanah wrapped her arm around him. Arthor figured that she probably wouldn’t be able to stay the night and that was fine. He needed time to think and really let the knowledge that he was to become a father sink in. Gods, it was a terrifying thought already, even now when Arthor didn’t even entirely understand it.

“I hope everything will be alright.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be alright.”

Hopefully, and Arthor squeezed his arms around her again. He wanted things to be alright with them, even with the shitty situation that was looming over. Right now, it seemed like it might just work out, but Arthor couldn’t say that for sure and he didn’t want to get his hopes up. The child would undoubtedly fuck many things up, he understood that very well.

“I hope so.”

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Solace
Chapter CXVI
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar
​

After spending so much time with Arthor, Elias found it strange to sleep in his own bed. Never had he expected to be so attached to holding his friend in his arms before going to sleep, but only when he laid alone did he realise how much he already missed Arthor’s body against his. Elias had to keep reminding himself that it was good for them to get some time apart because of how tempting it was to leave his bed and find Arthor’s room. It made him feel like a little boy at how addicted he was to his company, but he couldn’t help it.

Every day that had passed since the wedding, Elias had tried his best to make Arthor feel better.

Elias found it difficult to keep his personal desires under control around Arthor. Gods, sometimes he wondered if his feelings for Arthor were too deep. Since they had known each other for so long, it did make sense why they were so strong, but it had taken him years to realise, and when he finally did, it felt strange. He wasn’t sure how to handle the situation because all he longed for was to spend every night with Arthor, wake up with him in the mornings and be able to tell him the things they told each other whenever they were drunk or a little intoxicated.

It was pathetic. Elias tried to tell himself that whenever he thought about Arthor, but everything came back to his conversation with Antra. He had admitted his sexual attraction towards Arthor, but now he quickly realised that there was much more to it than that. Still, Elias wasn’t sure how to explain that to Arthor yet. It was better if they took things slowly, and he knew Arthor had a lot to think about right now, so he didn’t want to bother him with his foolish feelings. That could wait until they would both be ready to talk about it.

While Elias got some time for himself, he finally sat down to write a letter to Antra. In it, he told her how the journey had been, informed her how good it was to see Arthor again, and that he missed her. He also made sure to ask if she was doing alright, and he hoped that she was. Once he finished it, he felt empty because of how much he missed her. Gods, he prayed that she was doing alright and that she was happy whatever it was she was doing. If she wasn’t then he hoped his letter would bring her some happiness.

Once the sun started to set, Elias wanted to check on Arthor. Usually he would come to him earlier, but it felt nice to have some time to think about Antra and write that letter. It let his mind get a break from all his conflicting thoughts towards Arthor. At one point he had considered ignoring everything and focusing on only being his friend, but Elias wasn’t sure if he could do that. His dumb feelings were too deep.

Elias found himself outside the door to Arthor’s room then, raising his hand to knock. Though he wanted to barge in without knocking and surprise him, he wanted to be respectful towards Arthor in case something was happening that he wasn’t supposed to see. A smile rested on his lips as Arthor opened the door but quickly faded once he saw how distraught he looked. What had happened? Elias wondered if he had gotten lost in his mind again with the thought of Leanah, but he hoped it wasn’t that. He hoped it was something minor.

“Arthor,” Elias said, placing his hand on his shoulder as he pushed them both inside, closing the door behind him with his body.

There was no response from Arthor, so perhaps it wasn’t something minor. Instead of asking questions, Elias pulled him into a hug. He knew better than to start digging around. There was a chance that Arthor wasn’t ready to talk about whatever had happened, so Elias wanted to comfort him as he squeezed his arms tightly around him, stroking his hands over his back. Arthor wrapped his arms tightly around him as well, which made Elias believe that this was what he needed.

While keeping his arms around Arthor, Elias began walking them towards the bed so they could sit down. His body ached seeing Arthor like this. He hated it because often he felt helpless like he couldn’t do anything to make it feel better. All he wanted was for Arthor to feel okay, and it was very clear that he wasn’t feeling okay right now. Hearing him cry didn’t make it easier for Elias. Gods, what had happened? He was so curious, but he still didn’t want to ask any questions.

“I’m here,” Elias whispered, sitting down at the edge of the bed as he nearly pulled Arthor into his lap.

Elias hadn’t expected Arthor to answer, but it still made him worried when he didn’t. Arthor only held onto him so tightly. Elias stroked his hand up to his hair, gently playing with it as he kept Arthor close to him. While they sat there, he tried to figure out what could have happened, but he had no idea. There were so many possibilities that trying to guess it was nearly impossible. He wanted to know so he could help Arthor, but right now, Arthor was only sobbing, and Elias would let him finish crying first.

“Do you want to talk?” Elias still asked to make sure.

"I'm fucked,” Arthor said, pulling away as he moved his elbows to his knees and rested his face against his hands.

What was that supposed to mean? Elias placed his hand against his back, moving closer to him so their thighs were pressed up against each other before he spoke, “what happened?”

When Arthor grew silent again, Elias was patient. If something serious had happened, then he imagined Arthor just needed some time. Though when he spoke again, Elias wasn’t sure what to think anymore.

"She's pregnant."

“What? Who? Leanah?” Elias asked with a frown.

Arthor nodded, and Elias couldn’t quite wrap his head around what he had just heard. It shouldn’t have surprised him because he knew about their affair, but Elias felt at a loss of words. This wasn’t good at all. Now he feared if anyone would find out, Arthor would be executed on the spot. Fuck, he wanted to scold Arthor for being so stupid, but he couldn’t. All he could think about was how he could potentially lose his best friend, the man he loved.

“Did she tell you?”

 

[desti]

When Leanah had left, Arthor completely lost himself. The second that door closed behind her, Arthor fell into bed with his hands covering his face. The night that followed afterwards was fucking dreadful. Arthor drank too much and thought too much, he cried and he punched his fists against the walls until his knuckles bled. It was fucking horrible and he couldn’t believe that he’d gotten them into this mess.

Since Arthor didn’t believe that Leanah would be able to protect him, he was also of the firm belief that he would die soon. After Leanah would tell Lady Carlys, he imagined that she would take her rage out on him, regardless of what her daughter would or wouldn’t want. Arthor wasn’t ready to die, he had too many things that he needed to do before he could do that.

So his night went past and Arthor couldn’t remember most of it the next day. He still felt like shit, except now his body felt weak from the lack of sleep and wine. The whole day Arthor couldn’t stop thinking about Leanah and what she had told him. He felt sick not only because of the alcohol, but because of the thought that he’d ruined her life truly. It was so horrible knowing that.

There was no way that Arthor could fake a smile when Elias showed up at his door. He’d wanted to see him, tell him and get some comfort out of him, but he hadn’t had the courage to do that just yet. Now that Elias stood in front of him, Arthor couldn’t help but sob on his shoulder like a child after his emotions broke free again from the hug they shared. He felt absolutely pathetic.

It felt so fucking wrong to say those words out loud. Arthor could tell that Elias was surprised to hear it, judging from how long it took him to speak again after that. Gods, he must think he was a fucking idiot. Arthor didn’t blame him, because it really was so. Only someone as stupid as him would end up in a situation like this. Sometimes he really fucking hated himself.

At his question, Arthor nodded, “last night.”

“Fuck.”

That pretty much explained Arthor’s feelings about all of this and he couldn’t have said it any better. He was so fucking stupid it was mind-boggling. Arthor at least hoped that this wouldn’t be known to anyone else but them five. Then perhaps Leanah would somehow be able to pretend that everything was alright and tell the world that the child was Adian’s.

“Fuck,” Arthor cried into his hands as he rubbed them against his face.

"Is she keeping it?"

At that, Arthor simply nodded. Gods, she was keeping the child. He should’ve told her to just get rid of it and be done with this. Then perhaps they could just move on and never mention it again. Lady Carlys wouldn’t have to know, neither would Adian. Only the Maester would find out and perhaps Arthor could threaten him to stay silent. Even in his mind it sounded like it wouldn’t work out and would backfire eventually.

"Arthor, I don't know what to say."

”I don’t know either.”

"You got her pregnant. Fuck, I can't believe it."

“Well, I didn’t mean to do it,” Arthor mumbled.

"I know, but Arthor, if anyone gets to know about this, you'll hang."

“Yes, thank you, I realise that. The second Lady Carlys hears about this, she’ll fucking kill me. She’s probably wanted to do that for ages now.”

It was hard for Arthor not to sound a little frustrated at Elias when he spoke. But he really didn’t need to hear a repeat of his own thoughts coming from Elias. He knew very well that he was absolutely fucking fucked because of this and that he was very likely a deadman walking by this point. Arthor doubted that Leanah would be able to keep him safe and he wasn’t expecting her to do that anyways.

"What are you going to do?"

“I don’t fucking know. Die, probably,” Arthor frowned as he got up from the bed and began to pace around the room.

"I'll defend you, speak on your behalf if you need me to. I won't let you hang."

“Leanah’s firstborn is going to be my bastard. You can talk to Lady Carlys all you want and she’ll still want to behead me.”

"What you don't realise is if Lady Carlys gets rid of you, everyone will know that Leanah's child is a bastard. Leanah's name gets tainted forever. Would she want that for her daughter?"

In Arthor’s mind, that didn’t make any sense. He had killed a guard or two that had failed to do their jobs and nobody ever spoke of them again. It was as though they’d been wiped off of the earth by Lady Carlys, and Arthor figured that the same fate would await him. He knew that arguing with Elias wouldn’t work, though, so he just stayed quiet while he walked around, trying to calm himself down.

"You know I'm right."

“You can tell that to my corpse.”

"Arthor. I won't let you hang. I will speak to Lady Carlys whether you want me to or not."

“You will not,” Arthor frowned as he stopped to look at Elias.

"I will,” Elias said as he got up from the bed.

“You’re not getting involved in this, Elias.”

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Suddenly Elias felt a huge sense of responsibility for Arthor and Leanah. Though he wasn’t as close to Leanah as he was to Arthor, the both of them meant a lot to him. If Lady Carlys would listen to any of them, it would be him. Elias knew they had a mutual respect. He knew if he would try his best, he could try to convince her to keep Arthor alive. Even if Arthor was very guilty and should have hanged for his crimes, Elias knew the consequences that Lady Carlys and Leanah could face from that.

It would be easy for Lady Carlys to get rid of Arthor, but his absence would be noticed. Elias knew if Lady Carlys would choose to be secret about the execution, there would still be people asking questions. It wouldn’t be a smart decision even if it were the right one for her because of what Arthor had done. He knew if he tried to explain what the consequences could be, he could try to make Lady Carlys see the situation from another perspective. After all, it wasn’t only Arthor’s life she would ruin, but she would also put her daughter in danger.

Involving himself was foolish, but Elias knew he had to. There was no way he couldn’t. He knew he would speak to Lady Carlys whether or not Arthor wanted him to. Elias thought that was the only chance Arthor could come out of this mess alive. It didn’t seem like Arthor was very happy about it, but Elias didn’t care. He needed to speak to Lady Carlys and defend both Arthor and Leanah. That meant he had to come up with a plan, but he would do everything for them if it meant that they would both be unharmed.

“I am going to speak to her whether you want it or not.”

"I'm telling you no."

“If it means I will be saving your life and Leanah’s, I don’t care what you’re telling me right now.”

"I don't want you to have any part in this. Just leave it be."

“How can I leave it be when I know you’ll be hanged for this? How can I just let you be taken away from me?”

Elias didn’t like that he was starting to feel angry with Arthor. It never ended well, but he felt frustrated and scared that he could lose Arthor. That wasn’t what he wanted. He wasn’t ready to let him go. There was no way Elias could stay out of it. Arthor was his best friend, and Elias had worked so hard to get him on the right path. Gods, Elias didn’t even want to think about Arthor dying. He had to speak to Lady Carlys about it no matter what. If Arthor would hate him for that, then so be it. At least Elias would be saving his life.

"Well, you'll just have to deal with that. I fucking deserve it. I fucked Leanah's life up."

“Oh, shut up. There’s no way I’m letting you be hanged for this,” Elias groaned.

"You're stupid."

Before Elias could even think he was closing the distance between them, grasping onto Arthor’s shirt as he walked them towards the wall to push him against it, “say that again.”

“You’re stupid.”

“I’m saving your life!”

"I don't remember asking you to do that."

“I fucking care about you, Arthor. No matter how stupid you are right now, I care about you.”

Instead of answering him, Arthor pushed him away making Elias stumble back. As Arthor began walking away, Elias was quick to grasp onto his shoulder to pull him back. Their gaze met and Arthor looked angry with him. He understood that it was easy to lose hope in a situation like this one, but Arthor couldn’t do that now. Elias couldn’t let him give up. Perhaps that was selfish of him, but he didn’t care right now.

“I understand that it feels hopeless, but you can’t give up.”

"It is hopeless."

“No, it isn’t. I told you I can help, but you have already given up.”

"Because this is fucked up, Elias. I ruined Leanah's life, I ruined her marriage too. Fuck, what if it's a boy? Gods, Elias."

“I understand that. This is a fucking mess, but I can help you. I can help Leanah,” Elias sighed.

"I don't think you realise how serious this all is."

At that Elias scoffed, “of course I fucking do. I realise that you will be hanged and Leanah’s life will be ruined because of her bastard.”

It bothered him that Arthor thought he didn’t realise. Elias knew that it was quite serious. If it would be a boy, then that boy would be the heir of Santrella. Arthor’s bastard would rule over the South, while Arthor laid dead is a grave somewhere, and Leanah would have her life ruined. He wasn’t stupid or trying to make the problem seem as if it was less than what it actually was, but he knew he could help them, or at least try to help them.

"There you go, that's exactly it,” Arthor said as he began pacing around.

“But I’m fucking telling you that I can help you!”

 

[desti]

Even though Arthor desperately needed Elias’ help, he was almost pushing him away right now. He didn’t want him involved in this. Maybe Arthor just didn’t want Elias to get hurt for whatever reason and he doubted that he’d be able to help anyways. Undoubtedly, Lady Carlys liked Elias a lot more than him at the moment, but Arthor didn’t think that that would change anything.

“Can you, though? I don’t think so,” Arthor frowned, pulling gently on his hair as he stopped his pacing and looked around the room.

"You're not letting me try."

“Because this isn’t your mess to clean up, Elias,” Arthor raised his voice and looked over at him.

“Okay.”

Elias seemed angry at him now and perhaps that was good. Maybe Arthor could drive him away from himself and then Elias wouldn’t be upset if something were to happen to him. That sounded like a good idea in his mind, but Arthor knew he wouldn’t be able to do that. He loved Elias too much to distance himself from him like that, especially now that he needed him so badly.

“Good.”

A silence set in between them and it made Arthor uncomfortable. He rubbed his hands against his face and looked away from Elias, trying to figure out where to go from here. If Arthor would truly die, then he hoped that Elias and Leanah would be alright. They’d be better off without him, he knew that and he hoped that they’d realise that too once the time would come.

"I don't want you to die,” Elias mumbled, breaking the silence.

“I figured.”

That made Elias scoff and Arthor rolled his eyes at that. The conversation wasn’t exactly going great, but Arthor didn’t know how to turn it around. He just felt so upset and hopeless that he genuinely didn’t see how this would work out well for him. Elias would just have to live with this.

"What do you want me to do then?"

“Nothing.”

"So you want me to let you die?"

At that, Arthor just shrugged and turned away from him. He didn’t want to die yet, but Arthor would accept it if that would happen. It’d be fucking horrible that it’d happen this soon, but Arthor imagined that he was already on borrowed time after what had happened in Wheldrake. Gods, he should’ve died there and then none of this would be happening. Everything would be better then.

"You're fucking unbelievable, Arthor,” Elias said, emphasizing his words by pushing Arthor harshly.

“What?” Arthor frowned, turning back around to face him after he regained his balance.

"I don't want you to die."

“What you want doesn’t matter.”

"Does it matter that I care about you?"

“It matters to me, but it won’t change anything, Elias. If I die, then I die and you’ll have to deal with it.”

When he’d be gone, Elias would just have to move on and live his life without Arthor. That shouldn’t be that hard. Arthor was dreadful to those around him, and he feared that he’d never be able to change that about himself. If he’d die, then at least he wouldn’t be able to hurt Elias and Leanah ever again. That sounded good to Arthor.

"I will not fucking deal with it!"

As he said that, Elias grabbed onto his shirt desperately and Arthor sighed, letting him do what he wanted. Arthor said his name quietly, looking away from Elias and instead staring at the corner of his room as though something incredibly interesting stood there.

“Fine,” Elias said and pushed him away.

Arthor stumbled back slightly and sighed, as he felt so fucking drained from everything. He didn’t think he could argue any longer, especially with Elias. It was just making him feel more sad and Arthor didn’t want that. Elias probably wanted to leave and that was fine. He wouldn’t hold him here. Maybe Elias wouldn’t come back and that would be fine too or at least Arthor would pretend that it was. While Arthor stood there silently, Elias walked away with his back facing him. He didn’t watch him and stared at the floor instead while he fell into his endless thoughts.

"I'm not ready to let you go."

His words finally made Arthor look over at him again, but he couldn’t get any words to leave his lips. They’d known each other for so long now, Arthor couldn’t even imagine what it’d be like to lose Elias. Granted, they’d both been near death enough times by this point, but now it felt more real. Perhaps because they were with each other now, not many leagues apart.

"If you have already given up I suppose there's nothing I can do."

“I don’t want to die, Elias,” Arthor mumbled after a while and looked away again.

Obviously he didn’t want to die, even if it would be for the better. Maybe Arthor was just a coward, but for once he wanted to set things right. He wanted to help Leanah with this and obviously he couldn’t do that if he was dead. Arthor wanted to see his child at least once, if Leanah would let him. There were so many things he had to do…

"Then why are you giving up?"

Arthor shrugged at that while he kept his gaze away from him, “I deserve to die after everything I’ve done.”

"You fucked up, but that doesn't mean you deserve to die."

“I fucked up so many times and ruined so many lives. If I live then maybe I’ll just keep doing that and I don’t want to.”

"I have not spent the last few days helping you for nothing, Arthor. With that mindset, you'll get nowhere."

Again Arthor hid his face in his hands and then nodded a little, even if he wasn’t sure if Elias was right. Maybe his mindset could be literally anything and Arthor would still keep fucking up because that was just the kind of person he was. He didn’t want to be like that, though, and he wanted to try to be better, but Arthor was afraid of himself slipping again.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

It broke his heart to see Arthor like this. Elias had never felt so lost before. They had just been reunited with each other after months of being apart, and now there was a huge chance that Arthor would be taken away from him. Was he supposed to just watch and let it happen? He was selfish for holding onto Arthor, but when he heard his concern about not wanting to die, Elias knew he couldn’t give up on him. Even if it was so fucking frustrating and upsetting, Elias needed to stay with Arthor until he would calm down.

Elias wanted to cry at how much it hurt to hear Arthor speak of himself as if he was some horrible person. There was no doubt about his mistakes being horrible, but he knew that Arthor wasn’t a bad person. Surely he had a few flaws that weren’t exactly good flaws to have, but Elias knew with time and patience that Arthor could get better. But when it seemed as if Arthor had already given up on himself and his life, Elias knew that he could say whatever and Arthor wouldn’t listen. Gods, he wasn’t ready to let him go.

“Fuck, Arthor. I can’t,” Elias sighed as he stepped away from Arthor.

It was becoming too much for him, and Elias didn’t know what to tell Arthor anymore. He didn’t want to leave as he wanted to take care of Arthor, but he had no idea how to do that. It felt as if he was at the verge of breaking down then, but Elias didn’t want to bother Arthor with his emotions. Now wasn’t the right time for that, and Elias knew he had to be selfless. That was difficult when it felt like Arthor was slipping through his fingers while he was desperately trying to hold onto him.

"What?"

“I don’t know what to do.”

"There's nothing you can do and it's fine,” Arthor said, and Elias heard him step closer to him.

“It’s not fine,” Elias mumbled.

"I know,” Arthor mumbled.

At that Elias grew quiet again as he raised his hand to rub his fingers against his forehead. He wanted to take care of Arthor, make sure he would be okay, but he knew that it wouldn’t be okay. Arthor had somehow managed to fuck it up so bad that there was no safe way out of it. All those feelings that Elias had for him were becoming overwhelming now that Arthor wouldn’t let him take care of him. Perhaps Elias was trying to take care of him the wrong way, but he had no idea what he was supposed to do. He was panicking.

"I'm sorry."

“I wish there was a way I could help you.”

"You don't have to fix my mistakes, Elias. Leanah and I will do what we can."

“Okay,” Elias nodded, trying to think positively about that, hoping that it would work out.

"I'm sorry,” Arthor repeated as Elias felt his hand on his shoulder.

Elias looked at him then, wondering if he would ever get to tell Arthor about his feelings, “don’t worry.”

"Then you can't worry either."

“Please, can we stop this? I don’t want to fucking argue with you.”

Arguing with Arthor was becoming so fucking exhausting. That wasn’t what he wanted, and Elias didn’t understand why they were arguing so much right now. It was probably because they were both quite emotional, but he didn’t like the anger and frustration Arthor made him feel. If Leanah and Arthor wouldn’t succeed while trying to fix their problems, then Elias didn’t want to have to remember his last few days with Arthor being filled with arguments.

Arthor nodded, pulling his hand away from Elias, “I hate this.”

“Me too,” Elias mumbled, reaching for his hand to pull him back to him.

When Arthor fell silent, Elias didn’t hesitate to pull him into a hug. He needed it, and he assumed that Arthor needed it as well. He wrapped his arms tightly around him, letting his fingers grasp onto the fabric of his shirt. It felt nice when Arthor hugged him back. For a moment it felt blissful that they could just stand here and hold each other forever. Elias loved Arthor so much, and if he would be hanged for this, then he wasn’t sure what he would do. Now he could only pray to the Gods that Arthor’s life would be spared.

“I love you, Arthor,” Elias mumbled.

“I love you too,” Arthor said while stroking his hand over his hair.

Because of all the overwhelming emotions, Elias pulled away slightly from the hug and pressed his lips against Arthor’s to kiss him. It was stupid, but he couldn’t control himself. While Arthor seemed hesitant, Elias thought the kiss felt nice. He had missed feeling his lips against his own. Arthor cupped his cheek, and Elias moved his hand up to Arthor’s hair to hold onto it as he kissed him more desperately. Gods, he was stupid, but then Arthor cupped his other cheek as well which made Elias calm down. It felt so sweet then, and Elias loved it.

“I’m sorry,” Elias still mumbled as he pulled away from the kiss. What if Arthor hadn’t wanted it?

"For what?"

“I don’t know if you were okay with that.”

“Elias.”

Since Elias hadn’t wanted to stop it was too easy for him to lean forward to kiss Arthor again. This time he kept the kiss more sweet as he didn’t want to come across as desperate, even if he was. Elias moved both his hands to rest in his hair then as he gently combed his fingers through it. Kissing Arthor almost felt too nice, and Elias didn’t want to stop, hoping that Arthor wouldn’t pull away from it.

 

[desti]

It didn’t feel wrong to kiss Elias. Well, it did, but Arthor found it easier now to ignore that part of himself. Maybe it was just the sadness that was eating him up or the knowledge that he might be gone soon. If he was going to die, then he might as well indulge in this. The Gods already undoubtedly hated him, so one more wrongdoing wouldn’t change much.

Only when Arthor needed to breathe did he pull away, pressing their foreheads together gently while his thumbs stroked against Elias’ cheeks. Elias was watching him back and moved to press his body closer against his. Instead of kissing him again, Arthor wrapped his arms around him to pull him back into a hug. He pressed his forehead against Elias’ shoulder and sighed, closing his eyes while he tried to calm himself down.

It was easy to relax when the hug felt so comforting, especially with Elias’ hands stroking over his back. Arthor squeezed his arms around Elias, while he thought about what might happen. All of his thoughts were so depressing and Arthor knew this wasn’t the right mindset to be in. How could he think positively about this, though? Whether or not he’d die, Arthor had still ruined Leanah’s life.

"I'm so sorry you have to go through this, Arthor."

“I brought it upon myself. I was so stupid.”

"I know, but I also know that you can do better, Arthor."

“Noted. I’ll try not to get her pregnant twice,” he mumbled.

"You're a good man, Arthor. What you did wasn't right, but that doesn't mean you have to give up."

At that, Arthor just nodded. He knew that they’d just end up arguing again if he’d open his mouth to talk about this. Neither of them wanted that. Arthor hated arguing with Elias, it just made him feel shitty and guilty about speaking to him like that. He figured that Elias must’ve felt around the same way. They rarely ever argued about things and Arthor didn’t want to make it a habit.

"I suppose there's no need for me to go on about that. I'll be quiet about it."

“Good.”

Then Elias pulled away from him and suddenly Arthor felt so cold and alone. He didn’t hesitate before sitting down with Elias on the bed. Arthor sat close enough that their thighs pressed together, but he didn’t really dare to go any further than that.

"What does it feel like? Knowing you've given her your bastard?"

“Horrible. Obviously.”

"I can't imagine what it feels like."

“At the same time,” Arthor quietly spoke, shaking his head at how fucking stupid he was, “a part of me wants it. I know it’s just me being selfish again.”

"You want to be the father of her child?"

“It’ll probably be the only child I’ll ever have. I know it’s fucking stupid and horrible, don’t even say it.”

Of course it was Arthor’s selfishness breaking out of him. This was different than having some whore have your bastard, since Leanah was someone that he had loved at a time. They’d shared something together and the bastard would be born out of love and passion. It was so stupid, selfish, but Arthor couldn’t stop that longing feeling inside of him to have a family, to be a father.

"No, I understand."

His mind felt overwhelmed and Arthor leant more against Elias’ side before he laid his heavy head on his shoulder. If Arthor were to die, would Elias take care of Leanah? He hoped that he would, because Arthor thought that Leanah would need someone by her side to support her through this shitty situation he had put her in. Though maybe that was too much to ask from Elias, so Arthor wouldn’t bring it up.

"It's not selfish."

“It is.”

"Maybe a little selfish, but it is your bastard. You're the father of her child."

“How could I fuck up this bad?”

"You were in love."

At that Arthor stayed quiet while he stared at the wall in front of them. He remembered Leanah had scared him once about being with child, after he had fucked her over and distanced himself from her. Now it had actually happened and Arthor felt so conflicted about all of it.

"You can't control those feelings."

“I know.”

"Is Leanah mad at you?"

“I don’t know. Probably. She should be.”

Though it hadn’t really seemed that way when she’d come to him. Leanah just seemed upset and worried, not really too frustrated with Arthor about all of this. They’d held each other and talked about other things, not only the child. It had seemed normal then, it seemed like Leanah needed him just as much as he needed her to get through this. She didn’t seem mad at him, but she really should’ve been after all of this.

"Was she angry with you when she told you?"

“Not really. She seemed more worried than anything.”

"Then she isn't mad at you."

“I’m mad at myself, though.”

"I know."

“Are you mad at me?”