Fantasy Aedighar [closed]

[scoorpiuuss]

After spending time with Arthor, Leanah had imagined it would be difficult to see Lord Adian. What she had done was wrong, but it was over now. Instead of being difficult, it felt easier. She had let go of Arthor. The initial pain no longer lingered in the pits of her stomach. If anything the weight had been lifted off her shoulders. For once she felt happy on her own and with herself, and it had brought her closure to spend one last night with Arthor.

Leanah should have felt guilty, but she didn’t.

Now everything was in the past, giving her the opportunity to bond with Adian. That was a good thing. He would be her husband, and he was the one who deserved her kindness and love. Though she would always love Arthor as her friend, Leanah didn’t think it would be difficult for her to like Adian. He had been so kind to her, and their conversations were pleasant. Being in his company was enjoyable, and Leanah quite liked being around him.

It was late in the evening when Adian knocked at her door. Leanah thought that it was perhaps a little inappropriate of her to invite him into her room, but she didn’t mind it. Soon it would be dark outside, and she was expected to be in bed by then, but what harm would come from spending some time with Adian. He had been respectful towards her in the past, and Leanah trusted him that he wouldn’t do anything stupid. Neither would she do anything stupid. All she wanted was to get to know him and let him know that she was interested in him.

“It was nice, but perhaps a little boring.”

Leanah looked at Adian with a slight smile. He was handsome. Now that the thought of Arthor was no longer bothering her, it felt easier for her to see Adian as her future husband instead of some man who was ruining her chances to be with Arthor. She walked away from the door, towards the small table in her room. There was only one chair by it, and instead of sitting down in it, she left if for Adian as she leaned against the table.

"That makes two of us then,” Adian chuckled, walking a little closer to her.

“You can sit down if you want.”

When Adian thanked her and nodded, Leanah only smiled. She watched as he sat down in the chair, and it felt a little strange to be so close to her in their room. They had never been together so privately before. Usually they would walk through the castle together or sit in the gardens where people were always watching. Leanah decided not to think too much of it as it also felt nice to be with him a little more privately, without the worries of someone watching them.

“Why was your day boring?”

"I suppose it's because nothing exciting happened. I figured I'd fix that and go see you,” he chuckled.

“I’m glad you decided to do that.”

"Good. I hope I'm not bothering you."

“You never bother me,” Leanah smiled.

"That's good. I wouldn't want to do that."

Because of how sweet Adian was, Leanah doubted he would ever be able to bother her. Perhaps that would change once they would be married and she would have to see him every day for the rest of her life, but she doubted that as well. She thought it also would be easy for her to talk to him if she needed some time alone, and she would be respectful towards him as well if he needed time alone. Suddenly the thought of them marrying sounded sweet, and Leanah was almost looking forward to it, even if she worried slightly.

“You can come here whenever if you’d like. I don’t mind.”

"You'll regret saying that,” Adian chuckled.

Leanah chuckled too, shaking her head slightly, “no, I won’t.”

When their gaze met, there was a strange glint in his eyes. Leanah found herself getting lost in them. A slight blush rose to her cheeks, and she wanted to look away. She couldn’t. Instead, she impulsively reached for his hand, taking it in both of hers so she could stroke her thumbs over his knuckles.

“I like having you here.”

"I like being here."

“Good,” Leanah said with a smile.

At first, Leanah felt pathetic for taking his hand, but when Adian put his other hand over hers, it felt sweet. It was a nice gesture, and she blushed again, making her feel pathetic again. She felt like a child, but it was impossible not to feel happy and comforted by his touch. Gently she squeezed his hand, trying to calm down as her cheeks felt warm. Adian squeezed her hands then, and his smile didn’t make it any easier to calm down. Leanah gave up on trying to fight it, chuckling quietly as she looked away, feeling a little embarrassed by herself.

“Are you still nervous?” Leanah asked, still holding his hand.

 

[desti]

The blush that came over Leanah then made her appear even more beautiful, if that was even possible. Adian was getting lost as he watched her and thought of her. Sometimes that happened, but now it was worse than ever. Perhaps because they were so alone in the privacy of Leanah’s room. At first, Adian thought it would be strange to be here with her, but it didn’t feel awkward at all. It was nice to be truly alone with her for once.

At her question, Adian found himself chuckling a little bit. Of course he was nervous, he figured he’d be nervous for a long time when it came to her. Adian was so desperate for her to feel good and comfortable with him that he was worried about everything he said and did, in case it would turn her off of him. He wanted her to like him so badly and it made him terribly anxious.

“Always.”

“Me too.”

“We can be nervous together then,” Adian smiled, squeezing her hand again.

"We're going to be alright."

“I know.”

Eventually, Adian felt like everything would go right between them. Maybe it was silly, it probably was, but he felt like they would be good together. Or was that wishful thinking? Either way, Adian would do his best so that their marriage would be good to both of them. He wanted to be happy and he wanted Leanah to be happy as well.

At that Leanah nodded and squeezed his hand. It was so sweet and suddenly Adian wanted to kiss her so badly, but once again he held himself back. He didn’t know if she wanted to wait until their wedding day for that, so he just pushed those thoughts away from his mind. They would go at Leanah’s pace to make her feel comfortable.

“But I’m excited too.”

“Why?”

Now it was Adian’s turn to blush slightly as he shrugged his shoulders and looked a little away from her, “I think it’ll be nice.”

"I hope so."

When Leanah pulled her hands away, Adian moved one of his elbows to rest on the table by him, leaning his head against his hand as he returned his gaze back to her. He was incredibly nervous, but the thought of marrying Leanah was so exciting to him now that he truly saw that they could work. They just needed some work and Adian thought everything would be good then. He was excited for that, maybe more than he should be.

“Are you worried?”

“No.”

“Good,” Adian smiled.

Perhaps he was a little bit too clingy, but Adian reached out to take her hand in his again. It calmed him down when Leanah didn’t pull away, but instead laced their fingers together and gave his hand a squeeze. He smiled as he watched her, rubbing his thumb against her knuckles as he got lost in his thoughts again. Undoubtedly, Adian had fallen too hard too fast and he was very aware of that, but he couldn’t really change it.

When Leanah straightened up and pulled on his hand, Adian was snapped out of his thoughts a little. He got the hint and got up from the chair then, chuckling a little as he looked down at her. Leanah cupped his cheek with her hand, and Adian instinctively leant his head slightly against it. If there had ever been a good moment for her to kiss him, then now was it. Adian was trying to not get his hopes up, though.

It felt like his heart might jump out of his chest when Leanah leant slightly towards him. Gods, how badly he wanted to kiss her then. Adian wanted to wrap his arms around her, pull her close and finally do it, but he kept himself under control. All he could really do was watch her, too anxious to do anything that could potentially make Leanah feel uncomfortable or think of him badly. But then Leanah chuckled and pulled away from him. Adian chuckled as well as he turned his head away from her then, suddenly feeling a little silly.

"Are you okay?"

“That was awfully rude of you, Lady Leanah,” Adian chuckled.

"What do you mean?” though Leanah was pretending not to know, Adian thought the smile on her face said quite the opposite.

If this was what he had to look forwards to, then he didn’t exactly mind. There was nothing wrong with a little bit of teasing, as long as it would eventually go somewhere. Right now, though, Adian stopped thinking about that and just found the situation a little amusing. He chuckled and shook his head, “nothing.”

"Tell me.”

His mind rushed with thoughts when Leanah stepped towards him, moving her hands to rest on his chest. Adian just really lost the ability to speak, as he looked down at her. Gods, he was stupid. He didn’t do what she asked him to, instead Adian moved his hands to rest on her waist, getting absolutely lost in her gaze. Again, Leanah leant forwards and Adian resisted the urge to just lean down and kiss her now.

There was no way that Adian could look away from her as he brought one of his hands up to stroke her hair behind her ear. Finally, Leanah closed the distance and their lips met. Adian hadn’t even realised how tense his body had gotten, not until he felt himself relax now that he finally got what he so desperately wanted. He smiled into it as he cupped her cheek with his hand, while Leanah stroked her hand up from his chest to his shoulder.

It was a sweet kiss and Adian loved it. Now he feared that he’d want to kiss Leanah all the time because of how nice it felt. He hoped that Leanah liked it as much as him so that they could do this more often, though he didn’t expect much more until after their wedding day. Adian pulled away slightly from the kiss and smiled at her as he pressed his forehead gently against hers, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

There was something so sweet about their kiss. Leanah hadn’t expected the sudden rush of warmth through her body. It had supposed to be a meaningless kiss to tease Adian, but now she found herself lost in his embrace. Too soon did Adian pull away from the kiss, leaving her breathless at how unexpected the feeling of it had been. Her heart was racing, beating so fast while her grip on his shoulder tightened. It frightened her how quickly she grew fond of the feeling of kissing him. Suddenly she felt strange, yet she didn’t pull away from him.

His touch was soothing, and Leanah closed her eyes while his thumb stroked against her cheek. She wanted to kiss him again, grasp onto his clothes and lead him over to the bed with her, but that would be inappropriate of her to do. Though the thought of it was tempting, she resisted it, knowing it was only the sudden rush of emotion making her think such things. What would he think of that? What if he didn’t want that? Leanah worried too much.

Leanah almost leant forward to kiss him again, and instead, she pulled away slightly, opening her eyes to meet his gaze. The feeling that lingered inside of her was so unfamiliar, though she had felt it before. It was strange, but everything about Adian was comforting her, slowly making her feel more at ease. That made her smile before she took a step back, pulling away from his touch, though she already longed for it, wanting more of it.

For a moment Leanah feared he wouldn’t like that, and that he would pull her back. Instead, Adian looked happy, and that made her happy, and it made her trust him that he wouldn’t force her to do anything she wouldn’t want to do. If anything that only caused her to want him more though.

“Are you okay?” Leanah asked.

"I'm great."

“Good.”

"Are you?"

“Yes. I liked that,” she said with a smile resting on her lips.

"Good. I liked it a lot."

That was confirmation enough for Leanah to know that her urges weren’t strange, and she thought that perhaps he wouldn’t mind her being unable to resist. All it took her was one step forward as she grasped onto his shirt, pulling him down towards her so she could kiss him again. His arms wrapped around her waist, and though the kiss was sweet, Leanah felt as if it was more passionate now. Again those thoughts rushed into her mind. Such inappropriate thoughts and she didn’t mind them this time. It spurred her on to kiss him more deeply.

Adian pulled her closer to him, and Leanah let her hands travel up to his shoulders. She stroked them up to the back of his neck, his hair tickling her fingers. A part of her wanted to let her fingers tangle with it and pull at it, but she didn’t. Instead, she pulled away from the kiss, trying not to grow too attached to the feeling of it.

Now Leanah didn’t want to pull away again. She liked standing close to him with his arms around her. The sudden thought of him staying the night didn’t leave her mind. Adian squeezed his arms around her lightly as he smiled at her. It made her chuckle at how happy he made her. They barely knew each other, and still, she felt comfortable with him. It didn’t make sense to her, but it didn’t matter. Even if she wouldn’t have enjoyed his company, she would have had to marry him still. She was grateful that she liked being around him.

“You’re very kind to me. I’m thankful for that,” Leanah sighed.

"Of course,” he shrugged.

“I feel stupid for thinking that you wouldn’t be kind.”

"There's nothing stupid about being careful,” Adian said as he raised his hand to stroke her hair.

Leanah nodded, agreeing with him as she met his gaze, “do you want to stay here for a while longer?”

"If that's alright."

“Yes, of course.”

"Then I'd love to stay a little longer."

Though Leanah knew she would have to ask him to leave at some point, it would be nice to have him stay for a little longer. Being alone was awfully boring, and since she quite liked being in his embrace while he stroked her hair, Leanah didn’t want to tell him to leave now. She returned the smile he was giving her, cupping his cheek with her hand as her thumb stroked over his skin. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, making her sigh quietly at how nice it felt.

Leanah didn’t want to pull away, but in the end, she did. She took a step away from him before walking towards the window. With the shutters open she could see out over Santrella and how quickly it had gotten dark. They would rule over the South together, and she hoped they would be good rulers. At least she wouldn’t be alone. She heard his footsteps as Adian walked towards her, causing her to turn around to face him.

"Is something wrong?"

“No,” Leanah said, shaking her head, “I was just thinking.”

 

[desti]

Kissing her was so wonderful that Adian thought he could do it for the rest of the night. It was better than he had imagined and now he couldn’t get enough. Though when Leanah turned away to walk to the window, Adian did wonder if he’d overstepped his boundaries, even if she had been the one to initiate the kiss. He grew worried for a second, until Leanah calmed him down again.

“About what?” Adian asked, taking another step towards her.

“About us.”

“Tell me.”

"Why?"

“I’d like to know what you’re thinking about,” he shrugged and chuckled.

"About us ruling the South."

That wasn’t exactly what Adian had hoped for. However, it was something that he too thought about every now and then. Adian thought he was a good ruler, but he wasn’t entirely sure if he was ready to rule the South. He genuinely hoped that Lady Carlys would be there for them and teach them how to deal with things before they’d become the ones in power. It was rather scary to think about, actually, but Adian thought that they would manage.

“Are you scared?”

"Yes, but I'm glad I won't be alone."

“I'll be with you and it's going to be alright,” Adian nodded and smiled.

"I hope so."

“If something goes wrong, you can always blame me for it,” he chuckled.

Once they’d get the hang of it, they’d probably be alright. Adian thought Leanah was smart and her traits would make her a good ruler, once the day would come. Though they shouldn’t worry about that too much right now. Lady Carlys was still good in health and Adian guessed that she’d probably stay in power for many years to come. That meant they’d have a long time to prepare themselves for their upcoming responsibilities.

"I wouldn't as I imagine the people will like you."

“You think so?”

"Yes. You're very kind, and the people will like that."

“Well, I hope so,” Adian smiled.

"Don't worry. I'm sure you will be loved by them."

The distance between them was smaller now as Leanah took both of his hands in hers. Adian knew that the people already liked Leanah, and they would love her as their ruler, he was sure of it. He squeezed her hands and smiled at her, though it seemed to him like he hadn’t stopped smiling once since Leanah opened the door and welcomed him inside. When Leanah placed his hands on her waist, Adian chuckled and pulled her closer to him again.

"There was something else I thought about as well."

“And what’s that?”

"I shouldn't tell you."

“Why not?” Adian chuckled, squeezing his hands around her waist.

"It is inappropriate."

That made Adian’s head spin, if Leanah meant it the way he thought she did. He almost hoped that she did, even though he was beginning to suspect that perhaps Leanah was teasing him again. Either way, he didn’t mind. Now Adian was just intrigued to find out which one of the two options it was.

“Oh?” Adian raised an eyebrow, keeping his eyes locked on hers.

"I'm sure you don't want to hear,” Leanah said as she moved her hand back to his chest.

“Now why would you think that?”

"I shouldn't think such things."

Perhaps she shouldn’t, but what harm did it to? Adian would be her husband in due time, and he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. He’d had enough inappropriate thoughts in the last few minutes alone. It couldn’t be that bad to have inappropriate thoughts of someone you were to marry, right? That was good, for all Adian cared. That meant that she was attracted to him, and that made him too excited.

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that,” he shrugged.

It was good that he thought that, because now it was absolutely impossible to keep those thoughts away from his mind. Especially when Leanah took his hands again and took a step backwards towards the bed. Surely she wouldn’t let him do that, right? Though now Leanah was saying things he wouldn’t have expected her to, Adian doubted that she’d be interested in doing something inappropriate prior to their wedding.

"I can't stop thinking about it now."

“Then don’t,” Adian chuckled.

Leanah kissed him then and Adian smiled as he took a step to be closer to her again. Gods, he was enjoying this a little bit too much. Her hands grasped onto his shoulders as she pulled him closer, so Adian wrapped his arms around her waist again, as he kissed her deeper. Leanah stroked his hair and Adian pulled her closer against his body in return.

This wasn’t at all what Adian had expected when he came to her, but he didn’t mind one bit. Leanah got down on the bed and pulled him on top of her, so Adian moved his elbows to rest either side of her head so he wouldn’t be putting his weight on her. Still, he kept kissing her though, trying to not get too carried away by all of this. Leanah pulled on his hair gently, which made Adian sigh softly into their kiss, as it became increasingly hard to control his mind.

She was smiling into the kiss and that made Adian smile as well. It made kissing her a little bit harder then and Adian couldn’t exactly stop himself from being so happy, so he pulled away and chuckled as he looked down at her. He brought his hand to her face, stroking his knuckles against her cheek as he looked down at her. Gods, she was perfect.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Forgiveness
Chapter CIX
House Rhyne
May all be as one
Nilfgaard, Northern lands of Aedighar
​

In Wheldrake time moved slowly. Aryana struggled to find something that would occupy her. There was no doubt that Wheldrake was a beautiful city. The castle had endless hallways for her to explore and though there were many closed doors she didn’t dare to open, she had managed to figure out the layout. The long stairs that led to the dungeons were dark, and though she only dared to stand at the top of the stairs, the air felt ominous.

After a week, Aryana had found the library which was filled with many books she found interesting. It was large, bigger than the one in Stormwind, and it always felt like someone was breathing down her neck when she sat there. Perhaps it was haunted. There was especially one hallway where the air felt so heavy that she could barely breathe. She had been so frightened when she had heard footsteps, though it turned out to be a guard patrolling the hallways. Then Aryana felt silly and found her way back to the bedchamber she stayed in.

The gardens were a place Aryana felt at ease.

Outside the air felt fresh with the slightly salty breeze that came from the sea close by. Aryana had walked through them many times, and she had found a small path that ended by the cliffs where she could see the vast ocean waves crashing with the shore. That had to be her favourite place. She could stand there for hours getting lost in her thoughts while all she heard were the sound of waves. It was then she thought Antra was lucky that this would all be hers, and that she would be able to see the beauty of Wheldrake every day as the Queen of Aedighar.

Whenever Antra wasn’t busy, Aryana would spend her time with her. She would miss her once she would leave to go to Nilfgaard, which she assumed would be soon considering they had already stayed in Wheldrake for a few weeks. Therefore she tried to spend as much time as she could with Antra, but she understood that she was a little busier now than what she had been at camp. But Aryana couldn’t deny that it made her feel lonely.

It had become so real that Darron was gone. Aryana often thought of him and their memories. Sometimes she would cry, but their memories would also make her smile. Though it was unfair, she had tried her best to move on from Darron, knowing he would never come back. With time that became easier, even if she felt so alone.

Brynden was someone Aryana had avoided, fearing she wouldn’t be able to speak to him without cursing and yelling. Sometimes when her gaze found him, she felt bad for everything that had happened and the words she had said. She should have been more understanding and considerate towards his situation, but instead, she had been stubborn and selfish. It was only after those weeks that she realised that, knowing she would have to apologise to him. She was foolish for still caring for him after everything he had said, but she couldn’t help it.

One late evening Aryana left the bedchamber she had grown used to, walking to find his bedchamber. Her heart was beating so fast, and it was tempting to turn around, going back to her bedchamber so she could avoid any potential conflict. Though she couldn’t avoid him forever, and if Brynden was still angry with her, she would leave instead of staying to make the situation worse. That thought seemed to calm Aryana down enough as she dared to raise her hand, tapping her knuckles lightly against the door that led to his chamber.

A part of Aryana hoped that Brynden wouldn’t be there, but he was as soon after he opened the door and Aryana met his gaze. There was still time for her to excuse herself and leave, but seeing him made her body tense up, freezing in place where she stood. Gods, it made her feel pathetic.

“Aryana.”

“I hope I’m not bothering you, Brynden,” Aryana said, looking away from him.

All Aryana saw was Brynden stepping away from the doorway, which gave her enough confirmation to step inside while her gaze wandered. Though she never let it land on him, she looked at the room instead. Like everywhere else in the castle the air felt a little heavy, but Aryana knew now that it wasn’t because of the eerie atmosphere. It was because of Brynden and their last conversation that she felt uneasy. She heard him close the door, and only then did she take a deep breath before she turned to finally look at him.

“I came to apologise.”

"You don't have to,” Brynden mumbled.

“But I am so sorry, Brynden, for everything.”

"You didn't do anything wrong,” he shrugged.

There was something reassuring about apologising. Aryana wasn’t sure if she needed to do it, but she felt more at ease now that she had. It was clear that Brynden had been upset, and instead of respecting him and his need for privacy, she had annoyed him until they both had snapped. That was something she felt the need to apologise for, even if he didn’t agree. In the end, it didn’t matter. Now she had apologised, and to her, that was all that mattered, not if it was necessary or not.

“Perhaps not, but I do feel sorry for how I behaved towards you,” Aryana sighed.

 

[desti]

If there was one thing that was making everything worse, it was staying in Wheldrake. Brynden thought that perhaps after a few weeks, he’d feel better, but he really didn’t. He felt just as empty and alone as before, and that made him angry at himself. Brynden fucking hoped that once he’d leave this shitty town behind he’d find himself again. For now, though, he was very much stuck here.

In a way, that was good because he had his siblings around him. Brynden figured this would be the last time they’d be together like this. Soon, he’d leave Antra in Wheldrake while Willelm would go to Stormwind. His heart ached at the thought of not having them around anymore, but he knew that it had to happen eventually. They were adults now, they could care for themselves and he had to realise that.

Though Brynden did ask Willelm to stay a little longer in Wheldrake with Antra. He worried about her and he wanted his younger siblings to have someone by their side a little longer. Brynden would’ve wanted to be with them too, but he had to get back to Nilfgaard. He had so much work to do there, it hurt his head just to think about it. The longer he stayed in Wheldrake, the more it piled up and Brynden didn’t know how he’d handle it.

At least things in Wheldrake seemed to be going better. He’d made a Small Council for Antra, filled with his men that he trusted and that he knew were capable of the jobs they were given. The Queensguard was being made as well, but Brynden was still missing one knight. He’d find someone before leaving, though. Other than that, everything was going smoothly. He thought Antra was handling things well so far and he trusted that she would do well once he’d leave.

It was easier for Brynden to keep his mind occupied with these things when he buried himself in work, as usual. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad to return to Nilfgaard after all. Brynden would be drowning in work, but at least he wouldn’t have time to think about everything that still haunted him. Everything about the war still bothered him too much, and Brynden wondered if it would ever end.

His mood wasn’t exactly heightened by anything else, either. It seemed like Antra was keen on switching conversation topics to Aryana whenever she got the chance. Obviously she knew what had happened between them, and obviously she was trying to help, like always. Antra just made it worse, really, because suddenly Brynden felt incredibly guilty for everything he had said. He still wasn’t entirely sure about how something like that could happen, but it seemed like Antra was convinced that Aryana wouldn’t say something like that, if it wasn’t true.

Brynden realised that he didn’t want to admit that it was true, because that made the situation even worse. He didn’t want to think about it, so he didn’t. It actually made Brynden glad when Antra accidentally let it slip about her and Elias while she spoke of Rhea. Hearing that from her made Brynden realise that maybe he didn’t know his siblings as well as he thought he did. Both his sisters had been having affairs right under his nose, and he knew none of it. Brynden wasn’t sure what he was supposed to feel about that.

It was so much better to just think about work and his duties, rather than Rhea and Darron and Aryana. Had he even spoken to her since their fight? Brynden didn’t think so, although Antra had begged him to. He knew he had to apologise about everything, but he was a coward and he felt like he didn’t deserve forgiveness from Aryana.

But one night, Aryana came to him to do what Brynden was supposed to. She was apologising to him and Brynden didn’t quite understand why. He had been a complete prick towards her, he’d hurt her again and yet she was the one apologising. It sounded so absurd to him and it just made Brynden feel even guiltier as he stood there in his room, looking just about everywhere but her.

“I deserved it.”

"You didn't. Neither of us deserved what happened that day."

That was debatable. Brynden deserved that and so much worse, really. He loathed himself and everything that he had done. Gods, how he hoped that Aryana wouldn’t begin her old song about how he should be proud of himself, because he couldn’t handle it. Instead of saying something, Brynden stayed quiet as he knew that he might just make Aryana snap again.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything I said and I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you.”

“It’s okay.”

Was it? Brynden thought that he’d ruined everything they might’ve built over the last few months. They were back to square one and he felt like shit for hurting her again. Aryana deserved so much better than him, but she was stuck now and for the rest of her life. He knew that she didn’t want to marry him and that was alright. Brynden understood and didn’t blame her for it. It was just a shame that he’d pretty much ruined her life and her chance for happiness.

Then Brynden didn’t know what to say anymore. Instead of doing that, he just walked over to sit down on a chair that stood by the lone table in his room. Brynden knew that he probably looked miserable. His wounds and bruises were mostly healed now, leaving only the worst ones still aching and visible. Once again, Brynden found himself barely sleeping. He felt like shit, he looked like shit, everything was just shit.

"Are you okay?"

Yet at the question Brynden nodded, as was becoming the norm. It was a lot easier to do that than to bother anyone or himself with his stupid problems and thoughts. He obviously didn’t really want to talk to Aryana about it either, so he just hoped that she’d drop it. She’d apologised, she could leave now. Maybe they’d talk again on their wedding day.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Caring for Brynden was difficult. Aryana had learnt that the hard way. It must have been that fact that they had been so good to each other once that made her care even though he hadn’t treated her well. She knew that he didn’t deserve her care and that she should have used her energy on something else, but she refused to stop trying. If she did, then that meant she would be miserable for the rest of her life. Then she would never find happiness with Brynden, and she didn’t want that. If anything she wanted them both to be happy.

But talking to Brynden was like talking to a wall. There was no response, and he looked so distant and lost that Aryana wasn’t sure what to say or do. How was she supposed to make him see that she genuinely cared for him? She stood there, wishing that he would give her a chance to understand him, but he didn’t. Everything seemed hopeless for them, and she should have accepted her fate that she would never be happy.

Comforting him through affection wasn’t an option. Aryana had tried that before, and it had only ended with her being pushed away. Talking didn’t seem like an option either since Brynden didn’t answer her question, only nodded. It didn’t make her angry this time, only sad to see him so upset, knowing there was nothing she could do for him. It made her assume that he likely didn’t want to marry her anymore, which she understood as she hadn’t wanted to marry him either after their fight, but they had no choice. Why couldn’t they try?

“Do you want me to leave?” Aryana asked.

"I don't know."

“I can if you want me to. I don’t want to bother you anymore.”

When Brynden didn’t reply, Aryana took that as she should leave. With a sigh, she accepted that. It was difficult for her, but she wasn’t sure how she was supposed to help him when he didn’t want her help. They would likely never be like they once had, but she imagined she would be able to live with it somehow. Perhaps she could visit her father often so she wouldn’t bother Brynden, but either way, she knew there was nothing she could do. Not when Brynden was so distant. She could try for hours then, but it wouldn’t get them anywhere.

“I’m sorry. I wish I knew how to help you,” Aryana sighed, turning as she walked towards the door.

“I’m sorry,” Brynden mumbled.

That made Aryana stop by the door. Tears were stinging in her eyes because she knew once she’d leave she would never try to speak to him again. It would seal their fate, as she had tried and tried, but Brynden didn’t want her to. Her breath hitched as she quietly sobbed, letting her tears run down her cheeks. This war had ruined everything for them. All she wanted was to be loved by him so she could love him back. That had seemed possible before, but not anymore. They would never love each other, that was clear to her now.

“Aryana.”

Hearing him speak her name made Aryana look up at him as he got up from his chair. She felt pathetic for crying, but there was no hope for them, and she would be stuck with him for the rest of her life. Quickly she raised her hands to her face, covering it because of how embarrassed she felt for crying. Why couldn’t she just accept that they wouldn’t have the blissful life together that she had imagined they would have?

Footsteps were approaching her, but Aryana didn’t want to look at him. Soon after arms were wrapped around her, but the movements felt hesitant, and before she could react, Brynden was hugging her. Now she felt foolish for thinking that his embrace was comforting. It made her cry harder, moving her hands away from her face as she wrapped them tightly around him, pressing her cheek against his chest. The feeling of his hand stroking over her hair was soothing, but Aryana wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. They wouldn’t be happy together.

“I’m sorry that you’ll never be happy with me,” she sobbed quietly against his chest.

Brynden pulled away slightly, looking down at her as he touched her face, “what?”

“I have accepted that I can’t help you and that we won’t be happy together.”

“Aryana,” Brynden mumbled, stroking her cheek.

“I wanted to make this work, Brynden. I wanted to understand you, but I can’t.”

"I'm sorry."

“It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about this. I will leave, and I won’t bother you again.”

Aryana pulled away, and it pained her to do so. Her whole body ached from how badly she had wanted it to work between them. Though she wanted to leave, Brynden didn’t let her as he grabbed her wrist. His touch was gentle, and it stopped her from turning around to leave. He said her name again, but Aryana wasn’t sure what to tell him anymore. What was she supposed to do? She had tried to do so much for him. She had given him time to be by himself, but it seemed like nothing was working.

“What?”

 

[desti]

In reality, Aryana was probably right. They wouldn’t be happy, not after all of this. Brynden had dared to hope that they’d learn to love each other after they’d began to spend time with one another. Now, though, the conclusion of the war had ruined that idea in his mind and obviously hers as well. Brynden almost wanted to be miserable, but he knew that Aryana didn’t deserve that.

Again he had made her cry and that just made him feel worse. She deserved to be happy, to be loved and cherished by someone that could do that. Maybe she’d take on a lover, someone who would be able to give her the things that Brynden couldn’t. Whatever it was that would make Aryana’s life with him less miserable, Brynden would allow her.

“I don’t want you to be miserable, Aryana.”

"I don't want you to be miserable either."

That wasn’t what Brynden wanted to hear. He wanted her to tell him what he could do, not hear this. Brynden wanted to focus on Aryana, not himself. His own happiness didn’t concern him, he was worried about hers. Gods knew she deserved a happy life, but he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to give it to her, that she would forever loathe him and the situation she was brought into.

“I’m sorry that I ruined everything.”

"Don't worry about it."
It truly sounded like Aryana was giving up and that was fair enough. Brynden felt frustrated with the situation and he wanted her to leave him alone to be miserable. But that meant that Aryana would feel awful as well. He didn’t want that, of course he didn’t. Brynden hated hurting her and that hadn’t changed. How could he ever fix this, though? It seemed impossible right now.

“Aryana…”

"I feel stupid for thinking we could love each other. You don't have to worry it about anymore, though."

As Aryana spoke, she took a step back and Brynden let her wrist slip out of his grip. He almost felt desperate to somehow make her feel better, but he just didn’t know how. Maybe it was too late? It sure fucking felt like it. He rubbed his hand against his jaw as he stood there and looked away from her. How did Brynden manage to fuck everything up so badly?

The war had truly made Brynden lose everyone that he cared about and it was all his fault. Of course there was Rhea, mother and father. Then there was Antra and Willelm who he was sure loathed him now too. They probably would see each other maybe every now and then, every few years. He wouldn’t force his company upon them anyways. Now he’d lost Aryana as well, though he wasn’t sure if he’d ever actually had her.

“Am I supposed to watch you be miserable for the rest of your life? I don’t want that, Aryana.”

"But you aren't letting me in. I once promised you that I would let you care for me, but you're not letting me care for you."

“How am I supposed to do that?”

The part that prohibited from allowing himself to welcome her care was that he didn’t feel like he deserved it. Brynden knew that he didn’t. What if it would make Aryana happy to care for him, though? That just put him into an awkward situation where he had to decide whether he wanted to be selfish or let her care for him. It was so fucking stupid and he was so fucking stupid, everything about this was stupid.

"Let me understand you. Talk to me, or don't. Tell me what you need or what you don't need. I don't know what to do."

“I don’t need you to care for me. I want you to be happy.”

"I want to be happy with you. I want you to be happy."

“But I’m not and I can’t really change that. Don’t think about me, just think about yourself.”

"How am I supposed to be happy then? How can I be happy knowing I'm going to be married to a miserable man?"

“But it’s not as though I’m miserable because of you.”

"Still I have to live the rest of my life with a man who will never let me in."

Was Brynden supposed to tell her about everything that made him upset? He didn’t exactly understand what she meant, but either way he figured that he wouldn’t be too into it. Brynden knew that he’d grown distant from everyone, but he couldn’t stop himself. He felt one thing, thought about the other and did something completely different. Brynden was confusing himself every day and he just wanted it all to stop and go back to how it used to be.

“I’m sorry that you have to marry me,” Brynden mumbled as he looked around the room, “this isn’t the kind of life you deserve.”

"As you once told me, I have the rest of my life to get used to it."

“You can do whatever makes it easier to deal with it.”

"Don't worry about me."

“But I do.”

"You don't have to."

“You are to be my wife, of course I have to worry about you. I care about you, I do.”

Brynden realised that it probably didn’t seem like it now because of how distant he was, but he was genuinely concerned about her and her future. All he wanted was for her to be happy. His happiness or lack thereof didn’t matter. If she’d let him, then perhaps he could give her a child that she could love and find joy in. Though Brynden thought that she might not want him in her bed at all.

"But you don't let me worry or care about you."

“Because I don’t deserve it, but you do.”

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Their conversation made Aryana’s head ache. It didn’t seem like Brynden understood that in order for her to find happiness within herself he would have to let her in. They would spend the rest of their lives together. If he was unhappy, there was no way she would feel happy with herself or her life. Was it so difficult for him to understand that to make their marriage work, they would have to care for each other and learn to love?

Even if their marriage wasn’t what Brynden worried about, and he cared about her happiness instead, how could Aryana be happy with her life when their marriage would lack love and affection? Gods, he made her so frustrated since he couldn’t seem to understand that she was trying to make herself happy, but for that to happen their marriage would have to work. Their marriage would never work if Brynden was unhappy. It was so very confusing, even for her, but she was trying so hard to make him understand though it didn’t seem to be working.

Instead, Brynden was telling her that he didn’t deserve it. Perhaps that was true. He hadn’t always been kind to her, and he had often found ways to hurt her unintentionally, but why dwell on the past? Aryana had forgiven him, and if it wasn’t about her, then Brynden would have to find it in himself to move on. If he cared so much about her, then he would have to start taking care of himself too, because she knew he could never truly care for her unless he cared about himself. He had to understand that.

“Perhaps you don’t, but I think you do. I would have never forgiven you for everything you have done to me if I thought you didn’t deserve it,” Aryana sighed.

Brynden grew quiet at her words, and Aryana was quick to react then, cupping his face as she forced him to look at her. Though she doubted that it would work between them, she grew desperate to make him understand why it was important for her that he was happy. At least he turned his face to look at her again. Now she only had to find a way to make him understand, even if she wasn’t sure how to do that.

“What do you want, Brynden?”

"I want things to be like they used to be."

“I want that too, but how?”

"I don't know,” Brynden mumbled.

At that Aryana pulled away her hands from his face. There had to be a way for them to figure this out though she wanted to give up. She was torn on what to do because it should have been easy for her to walk out the door and give up on him, but it was also so difficult when a part of her wanted them to make it work. So many ideas rushed through her mind, but Gods, Aryana wasn’t sure if anything would work at this point. Brynden didn’t feel worthy enough, but how could she make him feel like he deserved to be loved and cared for?

"I'm sorry, I don't know what to do,” Brynden said, and he sounded so desperate.

“Let me show you that you’re worthy of care.”

"How?"

Aryana grabbed onto his shoulders, closing the distance between them as she leant up to press her lips against his before she could regret her decision. The kiss wasn’t sweet. Brynden seemed hesitant until he kissed her back, and only then did she feel at ease. His hand rested against her cheek, and she clutched onto his shoulders, pressing her chest against his. She kissed him passionately then, hoping that he would feel how much she cared for him and that he deserved that because Aryana truly believed that he did.

Gods, Aryana felt foolish for enjoying the kiss, but it seemed like Brynden did as well as he held onto her waist with his other hand. She moved her hand to rest against the side of his neck, stroking her thumb along his jaw. When he pulled her even closer, she leaned onto him with her whole body, lightly scratching her fingers against his skin. It was both distracting and nice to kiss Brynden. Perhaps it was the only way to make him understand, and make herself understand how much she needed this to work in order to not give up on him.

Then Brynden pulled away, stroking her cheek. Aryana wanted to kiss him again, but instead, she moved her hand into his hair, gently stroking her fingers against him. For a while, they only looked at each other. Neither of them said a word, but she wasn’t sure what to say. Was there anything to say? Before she could say anything, he leant down to kiss her again, and Aryana let her fingers tangle with his hair as she held onto it.

With her other hand, Aryana moved it to rest against the back of his neck, letting her fingers barely slip under the hem of his shirt to feel his warm skin against her fingertips. Brynden wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her back to press against him. Slowly she felt some hope that maybe there was a chance that they would work out, but she knew better than to get her hopes up in case it wouldn’t. Instead, she focused on the kiss, becoming more desperate. She lets her nails scratch gently against the back of his neck, while she pulled on his hair.

Suddenly all Aryana wanted was to be here with Brynden, and show him that she could take care of him.

 

[desti]

Reunion.
Chapter CX
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar
​

In a way, that last night with Leanah had made things a bit more bearable for Arthor. He wasn’t sure if it was the closure they both got from it or if it was his promise to himself to be better, but either way Arthor found it a little easier to look at Leanah and not think about her inappropriately. Things seemed to be going well between her and that Lord of hers, and that was another thing that kept Arthor from doing something stupid.

It was hard to keep his selfish needs at bay, but Arthor found it a little easier with some wine in his blood. Sometimes he even went out to find some woman in an inn to spend the night with. They didn’t make him happy, but at least he wasn’t alone then. Though they couldn’t even truly fix his loneliness, quite like Leanah could. Arthor tried to not think about her, but so soon it was still a little too hard to lose interest in her.

At least it seemed like there was a chance that they’d go back to how things used to be, though. The only thing holding them back was Arthor, he knew that. Eventually, he’d snap out of it. Arthor knew that after the wedding it would be easier, because then it would become real that Leanah wasn’t his, that she was Lord Adian’s. Then he could properly move on, but right now he was still stuck in place.

Yet there was something that was distracting his mind. The war was over and Lady Carlys had told everyone that Elias would be returning soon. Arthor didn’t know when that would be, but he figured that he’d be informed. Well, he’d probably have to be there anyways as Lady Carlys’ sworn shield, so he doubted that he wouldn’t be told and that he’d miss it.

That made Arthor incredibly exciting. Whenever he thought of Elias, he managed to forget about his loneliness and about what had happened. He hadn’t really felt happy in a while, but he knew that seeing Elias would bring him joy. Gods, how he fucking missed him. There were so many things that he had to tell him… where would he even start? What would Elias think of it all?

Even the thought of Elias didn’t save him that night, though, and Arthor wanted to go out and drink again. He could do it in his room, but he could also go and see if there was a beauty as lonely as him in an inn in town. Perhaps he was beginning to do that too much lately, as before he hadn’t gotten too carried away with sleeping around. Either way, he didn’t really care, so he left his room.

It was already very late, the castle was rather quiet and dark except for some of the usual sounds. Arthor figured most were already either doing the same thing he was or sleeping. Not like it mattered. He made sure that he had enough gold coins in his pockets for a few drinks, perhaps a room, depending on how the night would go. With that, Arthor closed the door behind him and headed along the hallway.

Just as he rounded the corner, Arthor heard footsteps behind him, that were moving rather quick which was what caught his attention. They were approaching fast enough that Arthor didn’t really have time to turn around before he felt hands grab onto his shoulders. He twisted around then and froze in his spot as his eyes landed on Elias. The fuck was he doing here?

While Elias was due to arrive in the coming days, Arthor hadn’t expected to see him now. It was late enough that they probably hadn’t made a huge entrance, which did explain why he wouldn’t have known about it, but still he couldn’t quite wrap his head around it. Maybe he’d already gotten drunk, passed out and this was all a dream? That seemed plausible. Either way, Arthor suddenly felt as though it was hard to breathe.

Because of how shocked Arthor was to see him, he couldn’t even smile back at Elias and for a second he couldn’t even react when he was pulled into a hug. Only a second or two later did his mind begin working again as Arthor wrapped his arms tightly around his friend, pulling him close and letting himself smile widely as he tried to understand what the fuck was going on. Whatever it was, Arthor was just fucking glad to see Elias again.

Too soon, Elias pulled away a little bit from the hug as he spoke, “fuck, I missed you.”

“Elias,” Arthor smiled, his hands gripping onto his shirt as though he was afraid that he might leave again, “I didn’t expect to see you. Not so soon, at least. Fuck.”

"Aren't you glad I'm here?" Elias asked, holding onto his shoulders.

“Well, I was hoping for maybe a few more weeks of peace and quiet.”

"Oh, I see how it is."

At that, Arthor couldn’t help but laugh as he wrapped his arms around Elias again. Gods, it felt fucking good to hold him and have his arms around him. How long had it been now? It must’ve been close to a year, but Arthor had about the worst sense of time. Whatever it was, it was way too fucking long. Arthor missed Elias so much, seeing him again made him forget about his worries so easily.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

The journey had been long. Elias wondered if he would ever make it back to Santrella alive from how exhausting it was, but as soon as he was greeted by the familiar gates to the city that was his home, he had never felt happier. While his body was sore and in serious need of some rest, there was something more important that he had to take care of first. Everything else could wait when there was one person on his mind, and he knew that he had to see Arthor before he did anything else. Fuck, he needed to see him.

Elias rushed to get off his steed, and the reins were handed off to a boy he didn’t care to greet. The familiarity of the castle gave him such a warm feeling, and he realised now how much he had missed Santrella. He had not forgotten the beauty of the city, but he couldn’t help the smile as he walked through the castle, not once stopping to greet the familiar faces of the guards and people he met on his way.

It felt like Elias had been gone for years. Everything seemed surreal when he walked towards the hallway where Arthor’s bedchamber was. Time stopped when he saw him. Arthor was walking down the hallway, but Elias was quick to catch up and grasp his shoulders to stop him. Touching him felt strange. He had forgotten what that felt like, and now everything was coming back to him. Once their gaze met, Elias felt lost. Gods, he had missed him, and he couldn’t get a single word out. All he could do was pull his friend into a hug.

Hearing his voice made Elias’ heart beat faster. He couldn’t seem to believe this was all happening. For so many months he had thought about Arthor, wondering if they would ever see each other again. The war could have killed Elias, and Arthor had almost died in Wheldrake. Still, they stood there, holding each other again and Elias couldn’t describe the emotions that rushed through him when he heard Arthor laugh. How in the world had he managed to go so long without him? Elias decided then that he never wanted to leave Arthor again.

Shortly after Arthor had wrapped his arms around him again, Elias pulled away. They could have stood there for hours, but he wanted to look at him. He had to see his face to truly believe and understand that this was happening. No words left his lips as he met his gaze. He was holding onto Arthor’s shirt so tightly, not wanting to let him go even if he had been the one to pull away from the hug. Arthor held onto his shoulders, and they were both smiling even if Elias felt his cheeks aching, he couldn’t seem to stop.

“You have no fucking idea how much I’ve thought about you. I worried I would never get to see you again,” Elias said, yanking at his shirt just to pull Arthor closer to him.

"Fuck, Elias, I was worried, too. You could've at least eased my mind and written me a few letters, you prick."

Elias laughed at his words, shaking his head slightly, “you’re the prick for nearly getting yourself killed.”

The forced laugh that left Arthor made the smile on Elias’ face fade. He realised they hadn’t spoken to each other about anything for months now, and he barely knew anything about what Arthor must have gone through. It was perhaps too easy for him to assume now that it hadn’t been easy for him. They had known each other for years, and Elias was quick to grasp his chin with his hand in case Arthor had any ideas of looking away from him.

“I’m sorry.”

There as no answer, but Elias didn’t mind as Arthor hugged him again. He wrapped his arms around him, holding Arthor close to his body. They had so much to catch up on, and now Elias knew it wouldn’t all be happy stories about exciting things they had done. That could wait for now. Elias focused on holding Arthor, stroking his hands over his back as he nuzzled his face into his hair. He had missed everything about him. Their drunken nights and stupid conversations that always made him laugh. He was so thankful that he was finally back with him.

Elias felt his hand in his hair as Arthor tangled his fingers with it. It felt nice, but all those overwhelming emotions made strange thoughts rush through his mind. All of a sudden it felt so difficult to breathe as he inhaled sharply, trying to catch his breath that he had seemed to lose. It was weird, but Elias decided to focus on the hug.

"I missed you so much, Elias,” Arthor mumbled.

That made Elias pull away slightly again to meet his gaze, “I missed you too.”

The way Arthor touched him was so gentle. Elias felt his hand stroke from his hair, resting against the side of his head while his other hand held onto Elias’ shoulder. That made him lose himself in his gaze again, and he couldn’t help the fucking stupid thoughts that lingered on his mind. Quickly Elias grasped onto the hem of Arthor’s shirt, holding onto the fabric so tightly. Before Elias could stop himself, he was pushing Arthor against the stone wall behind him, letting the fact that he missed him so fucking much take control of his actions.

Arthor gripped onto his shirt, and they looked at each other, neither of them saying a word. Elias wasn’t sure what to say. It was clear that he had no control over his emotions right now as he pushed his forehead against Arthor’s, letting his breath ghost over his skin. They were standing in the middle of the hallway, but he didn’t care. All he fucking cared about was the fact that he was back with Arthor, and that he wasn’t going anywhere.

“I’m so fucking happy to see you again.”

 

[desti]

Letting go.
Chapter CXI
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar
​

What had happened and was happening between Arthor and Elias was successfully distracting him from Leanah. Arthor thought that he was getting better at not feeling so uncomfortable and disgusted by himself, but it was still incredibly hard to agree with Elias’ thoughts on the matter. Maybe he should be happy, though, as he finally got a distraction from Leanah and Lord Adian. Only a couple days before the wedding was Arthor forced to think about it.

When Lady Carlys came to Arthor, he almost fainted from the fear of everything she might have to say to him. Their conversation wasn’t pleasant even though it wasn't as bad as it could've been. He hated every second of it because the things she told him in private were honest and Arthor agreed with them. Lady Carlys was right, he had used Leanah and he had been a shitty friend to her. Arthor doubted that she believed him when he told her that he would be better, though.

It was like a cruel joke when Lady Carlys finished their conversation by telling Arthor that he would have to be the one playing Leanah’s father’s role for the wedding. She didn’t give him any chance to protest as she immediately told him to leave afterwards. Immediately, Arthor just thought it was cruel and not to mention a little awkward. He didn’t feel comfortable with doing this, and he didn’t imagine that Leanah was thrilled about it either.

Maybe it was the wrong decision, but when Leanah never mentioned it, Arthor didn’t either. If she truly didn’t know, then he imagined she wouldn’t appreciate this surprise on her wedding day, but Arthor felt too awkward to bring it up. It was so strange and so cruel of Lady Hastwyck, and he wasn’t sure how to even process this. He’d be quite literally giving Leanah away to her new husband and the thought made Arthor sick to his stomach.

There wasn’t anything that he could do, though, as Lady Carlys had made her decision clear. Arthor figured she probably thought it was amusing to torture him like that, and he hated her for it, even though Arthor understood why she was doing it. She had every right to treat him poorly after how Arthor had treated her daughter, so he shouldn’t be upset with her, but he was. He couldn’t help it.

When the day he dreaded came, Arthor almost wanted to just run off so that he wouldn’t have to participate in this. He was told to meet Leanah outside in the Sept, prior to the wedding, and Arthor would eventually get to that. Though he got ready for the wedding incredibly slowly, fearing that when he’d open the door, he just wouldn’t be able to handle all the emotions that would rush through him then.

No doubt that Arthor would be miserable today, but for now he tried to keep himself in line. He knew he had the duty to make sure that Leanah would be alright. Even if his emotions would be overwhelming, Arthor would have to keep calm for those few moments he’d have to be with Leanah. He had to be there for her and that was Arthor’s goal as he walked out of his room.

Maybe it was stupid, no it probably was stupid when Arthor went to the gardens. He had a few minutes to spare and memories had rushed into his mind, so he couldn’t resist. Regardless of what the gardeners might think, Arthor stole a pretty, small flower from one of the bushes before heading to the Sept. He wasn’t sure if it would cheer her up or do the opposite, but Arthor thought it would be a nice parting gesture.

There were some Lords and Ladies entering the Sept, as well as some guards present, but Arthor only had eyes for Leanah. She looked so beautiful. Stupid thoughts went through his mind then. What if this was their wedding? Arthor shook those thoughts away, trying not to be jealous of Lord Adian once more as he approached Leanah, hiding the flower behind his back as he smiled at her.

“Lady Leanah.”

"Sir Arthor."

Though Leanah was smiling, she looked nervous. Arthor understood that, but now he couldn’t let his own mask crack since that might make Leanah more upset. He wanted to look happy for her, so that he would maybe give her the strength to go through with this. Arthor wanted her to have a happy wedding, she deserved that.

“You look beautiful. You’re missing something, though.”

"Am I?"

At that, Arthor nodded and smiled. He showed her the flower and chuckled a little at his own stupidity for doing something like that, since it wasn’t really like him. Arthor moved closer to her to put the flower in her hair, hiding the short stem of it carefully. Maybe he enjoyed stroking her hair a little more than he should’ve and maybe he was ruining something her handmaidens had worked for hours on, but he didn’t really care at the moment.

"You're so sweet."

“Now you look perfect,” Arthor smiled down at her as he stroked his fingers over her cheek before taking a step back so that it wouldn’t look too suspicious.

"Thank you."

“He’s very lucky,” Arthor said quietly.

"You think so?"

Though Arthor shouldn’t have, he envied Lord Adian that he would be the one to marry Leanah. She was so kind and so beautiful, any man would be lucky to have her as his wife. Arthor hoped that their marriage would succeed, because he genuinely wanted Leanah to be happy and find happiness in her husband. He was trying to keep his selfish thoughts away, and so far he was successful, which was surprising.

“Yes.”

 

[scoorpiuuss]

The Gods had to be unhappy with Leanah for once again making her life miserable. With Adian, she had found happiness. For the past weeks, she hadn’t hesitated once to give him all her affection as the day of their wedding sneaked up on her. She had gotten over Arthor, and allowed herself to bond with Adian like she hadn’t before. Everything in her life seemed to find its place, and Leanah was overjoyed with how well it was going. That was until two days before her wedding day when she had realised that something was very wrong.

While Leanah had been so busy getting ready for the beautiful day she would be married to Adian, she had forgotten about everything else. It wasn’t until she heard a few women gossip about the woman’s daughter finally flowering. At first, Leanah had thought it was a weird topic to speak about in such a public place, but they had gone on to talk about marriage when she realised that she hadn’t bled yet. When the thought first got in her head, Leanah couldn’t even recall when the last time was. It must have been weeks ago.

Arthor and Leanah’s mistakes were coming back to haunt her, and only now did she see the huge consequences of their mistakes. That evening when she had looked down at herself there was nothing visible. She could only feel her slightly taut skin around her abdomen, and for what felt like hours she had cried in her bed because of how she had managed to ruin everything. While Leanah tried to find a million reasons to why she hadn’t bled yet, it always came back to the conclusion that she was carrying Arthor’s bastard in her belly.

No one could know about it.

Leanah knew she couldn’t tell anyone about this, especially not Arthor or Adian. The night before the wedding she prayed to the Gods for mercy, that they would make her lose the child so she wouldn’t have to give Adian her bastard. It wasn’t fair, but Leanah knew she should have been more careful. Still, she knew it had to be a secret, and she tried to tell herself that she was lucky it was her wedding day tomorrow and that none of her handmaidens had noticed. But she felt burdened for life, not wanting to have Arthor’s bastard in her lap.

The next day Leanah tried to act normal. It was difficult when she couldn’t ask for advice or tell anyone about it. The secret she bore was eating at her mind, and she had no idea how to handle it. While her handmaidens were complimenting her, Leanah couldn’t help but feel miserable once she looked at herself. She thought she looked miserable as well. There was a hint of sadness in her eyes, and she couldn’t seem to get it away no matter how much she tried to smile at herself. She wasn’t Adian’s wife yet, and she had already betrayed him.

Seeing Arthor approach her by the sept didn’t make it any easier for Leanah. She smiled at him, trying to feel happy to have his support on her wedding day, but knowing he would be the father of her bastard made it very difficult. At least his gestures were sweet, but though it made her feel a little better, it also made her chest ache. Why were the Gods so cruel? It felt like torture that she couldn’t be with Arthor and that she wouldn’t be a good wife to Adian. Leanah knew she was pathetic and likely the dumbest woman in Aedighar.

“I hope he feels the same way,” Leanah mumbled, knowing too well that if he knew the truth, he wouldn’t feel lucky to marry her.

"If he doesn't, then he's an idiot."

That almost made Leanah chuckle, but she felt immense regret for what she had done with Arthor now. It wasn’t fair for Adian that her past mistakes would come to haunt him too. Hopefully, she would never have to tell him about it, but what if people would get suspicious? Gods, her mind was becoming a mess as she kept overthinking the situation. It was overwhelming, and she felt like she was slowly losing her grip on reality again. She was supposed to be happy today, but she had never felt more upset with herself and the world around her.

“Shouldn’t you be inside already?”

"Not yet, no."

“Why not?” Leanah frowned.

"Your mother asked me to be the one to give you away to your husband,” Arthor said, looking away from her.

What? Leanah didn’t understand if Arthor was being truthful or not, but if he was, then she didn’t appreciate what her mother had done at all. Her heart sank to her stomach as she realised that Arthor had no reason to joke about that. It only made the situation worse that he would be the one to give her to Adian. She didn’t like the thought of it. She knew she would end up looking sad now because how would she be able to smile as the man who would be the father to her child was giving her away to the man who was going to be her husband?

Leanah looked down, glancing over her dress. Only when Arthor said her name did she look up at him again.

“This is so unfair,” she mumbled.

"It's going to be alright, Leanah."

At that Leanah nodded. Now she felt more nervous as she worried Adian would see how unhappy she looked once she would be escorted to him. She knew she had to try her best at keeping a smile on her face and her chin high so no one would get suspicious. Though she wondered if her mother found this to be fun because Leanah felt annoyed that she had done this to her. Either way, Leanah knew it wouldn’t be alright, but she had to pretend as she tried to smile at Arthor. It would never be alright.

“You’re right.”

 

[desti]

Telling Leanah about what Arthor had to do was just as fun as he had imagined it to be. He felt like shit when he saw how upset she seemed then, and he wanted to think of a way to do this differently. Elias was close enough to the Hastwycks, he could’ve done this as well. Of course it had to be him, though, just to sour the day even more. Arthor wondered if Lady Carlys even considered that this would not only hurt him, but also hurt Leanah.

At least Leanah was trying to smile, even though it didn’t seem genuine at all. Arthor wanted her to be alright, he wanted her to be happy. The guards were keeping him from hugging her and touching her, no matter how badly he wanted to comfort her at the moment. It hurt Arthor to see her like this, but he didn’t know what he could do or say to make it better.

From all that Arthor had heard about Adian, he thought that Leanah would be in safe hands. He hated admitting it, but he hadn’t been good to her. Meanwhile Leanah told him really only good things about Adian, and Arthor thought that she seemed happy with him. Especially those few times that he saw them actually together, they seemed affectionate towards each other. Arthor hated it, but they looked nice together.

“I am. It’s going to be fine, Leanah, you’ll be fine. You like him, right?”

"I do."

As much as it hurt to hear that, it also managed to make Arthor just a little bit happy for her. She wasn’t marrying someone that she hated, someone horrible for her. At least Arthor felt grateful towards Lady Carlys for finding Lenaah someone good, not someone like him. He really hoped that things would work out between them, so that Leanah would be happy.

“That’s good,” he nodded, smiling at her.

"I trust him, but I'm nervous."

“About what?”

"That I won't be a good wife to him."

That made no sense to Arthor. Leanah would be a wonderful wife. He knew how caring and loving she could be, how sweet and kind she was. Arthor would’ve loved her as a wife, and he was sure that Adian would love her as well. If he wouldn’t, then he was just an idiot.

“You’ll be great, Leanah. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Thank you.”

Even though there were guards here and they were outside, Arthor thought that it wouldn’t harm anyone if he would hug her. He was just calming her down before her big day, that’s all. There wasn’t anything suspicious here, or at least Arthor hoped that it wouldn’t come off that way. He wrapped his arms around her as he pulled her close against him, stroking her back as he kissed her head gently.

“You’re going to be fine, Leanah,” Arthor whispered into her hair, holding her close while she held onto him.

"You'll be fine too, Arthor."

“Don’t worry about me,” Arthor mumbled and pulled away a little so he could look and smile at her.

"I always worry about you. You're my best friend."

At that, Arthor smiled at her again and pulled her back into a hug. He loved Leanah, he really did. Arthor would always be there for her, if she’d need him. Even if they wouldn’t be able to do the things they’d done in the past, as long as Arthor had her in his life, then he’d be happy. It would take him a while to get used to the idea of Leanah being married, but Arthor would eventually get accustomed to it. Right?

“I’ll always be by your side, Leanah.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. Always,” Arthor mumbled, kissing her head again as he squeezed his arms around her.

Then Leanah pulled away a little from him and Arthor couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. He wished that she could be his, but that was obviously impossible. Maybe in a different life, but now things were against them and Arthor tried to be fine with that. He’d always cherish the good memories they’d shared with one another. Now he had to let her go though, and he hoped that she would be happy.

Arthor pressed a gentle kiss against her forehead before he pulled away and took a step back. She truly was a beautiful bride that any man would be ecstatic to see walking down the aisle. Lord Adian was incredibly lucky and Arthor envied him greatly. Eventually, he’d just have to move on though. He’d find a way to do that, and it should be easier now, but it would still take some time.

Leanah’s hand raised as she stroked it against his cheek before she took a step back. It really was over, but that was fine or Arthor tried to convince himself so. He didn’t even want to think about everything else that would come from her marriage with Lord Adian, as it just made his heart ache. It was stupid and Arthor tried not to think about it, instead smiling at Leanah.

“I think you two will be great together.”

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Speaking to Arthor comforted Leanah though she seemed to grow more nervous and uneasy at each second that passed. She thought about how the Sept would be filled with people. Nobles who had travelled far to witness her wedding were ready to celebrate her marriage to Lord Adian, and that only made her feel uncomfortable. It would be so difficult for her to keep a smile on her face, because now it felt like she hadn’t been able to let Arthor go. That was likely because she would be raising his bastard if the Gods wouldn’t have mercy on her.

“I hope so,” Leanah said, nodding.

The smile Arthor had resting on his lips was reassuring, but Leanah couldn’t help but wonder what it would have been like to marry him. He had an effect on her that she couldn’t explain, but she felt weak to her knees whenever he was around her still. Perhaps she hadn’t completely lost her feelings for him, but it didn’t matter anymore. They couldn’t be together, and Leanah knew that Arthor hadn’t been good to her. It hadn’t been good for either of them.

“I’m sorry that it didn’t work out between us,” Leanah mumbled, not wanting to get unwanted attention from the guards.

"Don't apologise about that. It would've never worked out."

“You’re right.”

"You deserve someone better than me anyways. You'll be happier with him,” Arthor smiled.

Leanah knew that what Arthor said wasn’t necessarily true. Of course, Adian seemed happy with her now, which made her feel relieved, but because of the secret she held from him, she imagined she would never feel happy. Also what if Adian got to know about it? Would he be happy then? She knew Arthor was trying to comfort her, but it wasn’t working. Still, Leanah pretended like she agreed with him, nodding at his words. She imagined she would be a lot happier alone somewhere without a bastard in her belly.

"All I want is for you to be happy,” Arthor smiled, again.

“I will be happy, don’t worry.”

"Good."

There was no more time for them to speak. Leanah wished she could have told Arthor right now that she was carrying his child. Then they could run away and raise their child together. It was foolish of her to think so. Though now that it was time for her to walk down the aisle in the Sept and Arthor stepped beside her, it all became too real. Leanah didn’t want this. No, she couldn’t do this. There was no way she could marry Adian now. It was too soon, and now all of a sudden everything felt so rushed. Leanah felt like crying.

"Ready?"

“No.”

"You'll be alright. I'm here for you."

Arthor took her arm, and Leanah was quick to l clutch onto his arm with her hand. Everything around her grew so silent once the doors of the Sept opened completely, and she saw the large crowd that had gathered. It was so beautifully decorated that it was almost overwhelming. She didn’t want this. Not once did she look at Adian, not yet as she knew she would only be tempted to run away. Then she felt Arthor stroking her hand with his, and his touch was so comforting. Why couldn’t they just leave never to be seen again?

"It's alright, Leanah."

At that Leanah started walking. With a lump in her throat, she tried to smile, looking around at the crowd that all looked so happy to be here. She wished she felt the same happiness, but she found herself holding onto Arthor so tightly, not wanting to let him go. Again and again, she repeated to herself that she didn’t want this, that she didn’t want to put Adian through this. He would be miserable with her. All Leanah wanted to do was turn around, but would the guards try to catch her? Would Arthor even let her? She doubted they would let her get away.

While they walked, Leanah tried to focus on smiling to all the people so sweetly as Arthor leaned down, whispering reassuring words to her that made her heart beat a little slower. Still, she hadn’t looked at Adian yet, and she feared he wouldn’t look happy. Leanah was overthinking everything, and she felt sick. Nothing about this felt like she had imagined. It had been so blissful in her mind, but now it was horrible, and she wanted it to end already. Why couldn’t they just hurry up and get it over with? Leanah didn’t fucking want this.

As they got closer to the altar, Leanah looked up at Adian for the first time today. He looked at her with that strange glint in his eyes that he always had when they were together. It seemed like he was happy, and though Leanah had expected that to give her some comfort, she didn’t feel comforted at all. If anything she felt worse because she was about to destroy his life. Everything that her mother had warned her about had happened, and she knew she should have listened, but she was stupid, and Adian would never love her.

The closer they got though, the tighter Leanah gripped onto Arthor. She prayed that he wouldn’t let her go now, that he would hold onto her and cause some sort of scene that would end the wedding. Leanah was desperate for the wedding to either be over or just stop. It was too overwhelming. She hated it, knowing that Adian deserved so much better than her.

 

[desti]

Hurt.
Chapter CXII
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar
​

While Arthor had kept up the act right until he reached Adian, it was so fucking hard to actually let Leanah go. For a moment, he actually considered not doing it, but that was so fucking stupid. This wasn’t a song that was sung at a roundtable where the Knight got his Lady in the end. Eventually Arthor did exactly what Lady Carlys wanted him to do and gave Leanah away to Adian.

Her husband only gave him a short nod, as it seemed like all of his attention was focused on Leanah. Arthor thought that was good. He seemed to like her, truly like her, from what he could see. That made him feel a little bit more comfortable with leaving Leanah with Adian. He hoped that what he saw in his face was genuine, as he walked away to stand in the crowd.

Gods, he’d get so fucking drunk tonight.

The whole ceremony, Arthor just felt fucking lost. He didn’t know where he was or who the people around him were and he really didn’t give a shit. Arthor didn’t listen to what the Septon was saying, he only pretended to sing the songs along with the others present. There was just this very strange feeling absolutely engulfing him as he stood there, and Arthor wasn’t sure what to call it.

When the whole mass of people headed back to the castle for the feast, Arthor had to be with Lady Carlys. She didn’t speak to him, apart from pleasantries, and Arthor appreciated that. He really wasn’t in the mood to talk about any of this, much less with Lady Carlys. Now Arthor desperately just wanted a drink to calm down his nerves. Lady Carlys allowed him to be free for the rest of the night, and Arthor thanked her for that.

So when they entered the Great Hall of the castle, Arthor split from Lady Carlys. He could’ve kissed the servant that approached him with a tray of wine cups. Arthor took two as he downed one quickly, already giving himself a buzz as he looked around the room. Everyone was living, laughing, talking, and Arthor felt awfully out of place. He thought he might as well just grab more wine and head back to his room.

Though Arthor figured it would be awfully rude of him to leave before any of the speeches, so he sat down in the nearest empty chair. His eyes drifted over to the table where Leanah sat with Adian and he kept drinking his wine until his second cup was empty too and he went to fill it up. The more wine he had in his body, the more he craved Elias’ company. Arthor tore his eyes away from Leanah as he searched for Elias, eventually finding him at a table not too far away.

Did it really take him this little to get drunk or was the wine just strong? Arthor already found himself bumping into people and chairs as he walked to Elias, pulling out a chair and plopping down besides him, with his arm already draped over the man’s shoulders. There was nothing unusual about that, since that was something Arthor always did at feasts. It wasn’t even meant as anything more, it was just something he was used to doing by this point.

“I want to fucking die,” Arthor said as he looked over to Leanah again, raising his cup to his lips again.

“Arthor.”

That made Arthor look over at Elias and raise his cup towards him with what was probably the least convincing smile so far today, “cheers.”

Before Arthor could drink, though, Elias stopped him, "stop that. You've had enough."

“I just started,” he frowned.

"You smell like shit."

“I can leave you alone,” Arthor shrugged as he stood up from his chair.

"Arthor, sit down."

Elias was grabbing his arm, so Arthor didn’t really need to think much about it before he sank back down on the chair. He wanted to touch him and kiss him and forget, but that was stupid so he drank instead. Arthor rested his arm on the back of Elias’ chair as he watched a rather pretty servant girl walk past with a vest pushing her breasts up much too distractingly.

"I know you're upset, but think about her. Would she like to see you like this?"

Maybe it would work quite well if Leanah would see just how big of a mess Arthor was. Then she could see that he really was a fuck up and that if there were any feelings towards him left, then they’d be gone. That almost seemed like a good excuse, but at the same time it didn’t sound like Elias would be very thrilled to hear Arthor say that, so he kept his mouth shut about that. Instead, he just shrugged his shoulders at the question.

"I'm worried about you."

“Why? I can’t get drunk anymore?”

"You can, but you just told me you wanted to die."

“What do you think I’m going to do? Go outside and stab myself?”

"You look upset, Arthor, and you're drunk. I think you would be fully capable of doing something like that then."

Though it was something that would cross his mind sometimes, Arthor thought that was stupid of Elias to say. He wouldn’t do that. Arthor felt so hurt, but he knew he had to be there for Leanah. What if she’d need him to protect her? Arthor couldn’t leave her and he wouldn’t.

“That’s stupid, Elias,” Arthor rolled his eyes.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

The ceremony had been beautiful. Elias had always enjoyed weddings and feasts because of how happy people seemed to be, and of course, because of the wine they always served at feasts. Because it was Lady Leanah’s wedding, he expected there to be a lot of it. It was a very special day after all. Though there was something that bothered Elias, and that was how fucking lost Arthor looked. Since he knew about the truth it was easy for him to sympathize with the pain he must have felt, and suddenly Elias felt his good mood dwindle.

Elias knew it wouldn’t be a very fun and festive day for them.

All he could do was worry about Arthor, and figure out how he would make him survive the day. Elias wanted to be there for him, and he knew he had to since he feared Arthor would end up nearly dead somewhere if Elias wouldn’t take care of him. That again made his mood sour as he knew he wouldn’t be able to drink as much as he would have liked. Suddenly he would have to take responsibility for Arthor when they usually got drunk together. In the end, Elias knew it was for the better, and he knew Arthor would thank him later for it.

While the feast was starting, Arthor had come over to him, and he already reeked of the smell of wine. Gods, Elias didn’t like the way he was acting not at all, even if he knew it was quite normal for Arthor to get so drunk that he lost control of himself. Since Elias was sober though, he realised how stupid Arthor looked. He feared he would end up embarrassing both himself, Lady Leanah and Lord Adian. That was why Elias tried to stop him from drinking, but that was rather difficult. Fuck, he looked like a mess.

“Well, you’re not very smart when you’re drunk.”

"You're one to talk,” Arthor said, rolling his eyes at him.

That made Elias scoff, “I’m trying to take care of you.”

"Great. So drink with me."

“No, because I have to take care of you,” Elias sighed.

"You can drink a little. It'll loosen you up. You're so grumpy."

Perhaps that was true, but Elias was genuinely worried about Arthor because he knew how painful it was to love someone you couldn’t have. It must have been very difficult for him to give Lady Leanah away to her husband, and now he had to sit here and look at them for the rest of the day. Elias knew he would have been too upset to know what was good for him, and that was why he was planning to stay sober so Arthor wouldn’t try to do anything that would either get in him trouble or hurt him in any way.

“I’m not grumpy. Don’t you see that I genuinely care about you?”

"Caring about me makes you not as fun to be around,” Arthor groaned.

Elias knew that he was drunk, but what Arthor said wasn’t exactly encouraging him to stay here with him, though he knew he had to. Though he knew better than to take the things he said personally since Arthor likely would have regretted saying that had he been sober. He decided not to care too much, staying stubborn about the fact that he didn’t want to get himself drunk. One cup couldn't hurt though, so he turned around, snatching a cup of some plate that a servant was carrying past him. Then he took a short sip of it before looking at Arthor again.

“Happy now?”

"Very. Thank you."

One cup was enough to get him somewhat tipsy perhaps, but Elias wasn’t aiming to get drunk. A little buzz wouldn’t hurt, especially now that he realised how difficult Arthor would be to deal with. Arthor clapped his hand against his shoulder, and Elias smiled at him as he took a longer sip of his cup. He wanted Arthor to have fun, but since he doubted that would happen, he at least wanted to make sure that Arthor wasn’t alone somewhere drowning himself in wine and tears over Lady Leanah.

"See? You're happier already,” Arthor said, squeezing his shoulder.

“Are you happy?”

"What do you think?" Arthor chuckled.

“You look miserable.”

"Well that's rude of you to say."

Elias shook his head then, “you look hot, Arthor, but also very upset.”

"Let's focus on that first part,” Arthor grinned.

If Arthor was in need of distraction, and that was what would help him feel better, then Elias didn’t mind being his distraction. That was the least he could do for him now that he was so upset. Perhaps in the morning, they could talk about this so he could genuinely help Arthor, but that didn’t seem to work right now. It didn’t really surprise Elias since they only talked about whatever was hurting them when they were ready, and Arthor didn’t seem ready. If anything it looked like he wanted to get as far as way as possible.

“You’re very attractive,” Elias chuckled, placing his hand on Arthor’s knee to gently squeeze it before moving his hand back to his cup.

 

[desti]

Why couldn’t Elias just relax and drink with him? At least he drank a little bit and that made Arthor happy. He wanted Elias to just be himself. Then things would be like they used to be before and they’d have fun and laugh throughout the night. If Arthor would be able to do that. He was trying to keep his mood up, but every once in a while he would remember or hear something that made him think of Leanah.

Then Elias distracted him though and that brought Arthor out of his thoughts a little. His hand felt so nice on his knee and Arthor wanted to grab it and put it back, but he resisted. Yes, he was attractive, Arthor didn’t find that hard to agree with. At least he had one good quality about him.

“I am,” Arthor nodded and scoffed, looking over at Leanah and Adian again, “more attractive than him, at least. Look at his stupid hair.”

"I only care about you, Arthor."

Maybe Arthor got a little too into staring at Adian and noticing little flaws about him. In reality, there was nothing wrong with him. Arthor was just too desperate to find something wrong with him, because so far he wasn’t very successful in doing that. The only thing wrong with Adian was that he was better than Arthor, and that was pissing him off right now.

Only when Elias put his fingers under his chin and turned his head away did Arthor stop. He knew he was acting dumb, but the wine was to blame. It only heightened his stupid jealousy that had built up over the weeks. It was so stupid, but at least Elias had caught on and stopped him before he’d get too into it. Arthor didn’t want to do something idiotic and embarrass himself or something along those lines.

"Think about me instead."

“I like thinking about you,” Arthor nodded and tried to do just that.

"Then do that."

Alright, he did. That made him think of sex, though, which ended up with him thinking about Leanah again. In a few hours, Adian would sleep with her and somehow Arthor felt strangely happy that he wouldn’t get to take Leanah’s maidenhead. Maybe he shouldn’t have felt that way, because along with happiness there was a sudden rush of guilt. Either way, the thought of them sleeping with one another made Arthor uncomfortable.

“He’s going to fuck her.”

"Yes, he is, but don't think about that."

What if he’d be better than Arthor? What if he’d be worse? Either way, it wouldn’t matter, but Arthor couldn’t help but wonder and obsess over it slightly. Was that strange? It would probably haunt him, because Arthor doubted that he’d be able to ask Leanah what she thought of him in that way and how they compared. Even thinking about it while he was drunk made Arthor cringe about how stupid he was.

“Fuck, I can’t stop thinking about it.”

"Relax, Arthor,” Elias said as he placed his hand on his shoulder.

“And then they’re going to have children and I’ll have to look at those little bastards and know that he -- oh, fuck me,” Arthor groaned as he leant back against his chair and drank some more.

"You have to let go of her. Leanah isn't yours anymore."

“I realise that,” Arthor rolled his eyes.

"You need to stop thinking about her."

That was easier said than done. Especially now that Leanah was sitting so close with that stupid fucking Adian by her side. Arthor felt immature, but there was nothing he could do about it. That’s just the kind of person he was. Arthor just needed more time to get used to this, but right now the wine was just bringing out the worst in him.

“I’m trying.”

"Do you need to talk about it?"

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

"Talk to me about it."

Now that Elias said that, Arthor wasn’t entirely sure what to tell him. There were many things and there was also absolutely nothing. Arthor didn’t know what to say then, so he just stayed quiet and shrugged his shoulders while his head turn again towards the table. Leanah looked so pretty. Arthor wished that he’d be the man sitting by her side, but obviously that was just a foolish wish.

"It'll help you if you talk about it. Then I promise I'll get drunk with you."

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Arthor said, though Elias’ offer seemed very tempting to agree to.

"Then don't think about her. Look at me instead."

“But she looks so beautiful.”

"You can't have her."

That was just rude of Elias to say, even though it was true. Arthor realised very well that he couldn’t have her, so he didn’t need to hear it from Elias over and over again how she wasn’t his. He could spit something back at him about the Queen, but Arthor bit his tongue and instead kept his eyes on Leanah so he’d calm down a little.

“Thank you for reminding me. I appreciate that,” Arthor frowned.

"I'm sorry, Arthor. I don't know what to tell you,” Elias said as he pulled his hand away from his shoulder.

“I suppose there’s nothing you can tell me that’ll make me feel better.”

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

While Arthor imagined there were many things that Elias could do to distract him, he figured that it was still too rude to leave. Maybe later once it was appropriate and they were both a lot more intoxicated, they could get up to something. Now, Arthor figured that talking would just have to do. That was fine, for the moment at least.

“Tell me something. Talk to me.”

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Everything about Arthor was difficult now. It felt as if Elias could say whatever he wanted and Arthor would stay upset or angry. The way Arthor spoke about Lady Leanah’s husband made it clear for Elias to see that he was jealous. He was glad that he wasn’t the jealous type because all he cared about when it came to Antra was the fact that she would be happy. Perhaps he would be a little bothered by her being with someone else, but Elias doubted he would get jealous. It wasn’t in his nature, but Arthor on the other hand, he was almost too jealous.

That wasn’t healthy for him. Elias tried to remind him that he couldn’t have Leanah, but it seemed to only anger him so he decided it was for the better if he would be quiet about that. Arthor requested that he wanted Elias to talk to him, but now all Elias could think about was how much this wedding was hurting Arthor. It was easy for him to see that he felt something for Leanah, and he hoped that Arthor would get over it since it would be good for him to keep holding onto her like he was. That wouldn’t be good for Leanah either. It wouldn’t be good for anyone.

“Right now I am just worried about you, Arthor. I don’t know what to talk about,” Elias sighed.

"You have nothing to worry about."

“I care about you, and you’re clearly upset.”

"Of course I'm upset,” Arthor scoffed.

“I know, and I am trying to help you,” Elias mumbled.

"Then talk about something."

Since Elias had a few stories from when he had been with the Northerners, he figured he would talk about that. He would try to stay away from talking about Antra, as he imagined that would only upset Arthor, which he didn’t want. Perhaps he could talk about Darron, but would Arthor get jealous that Elias had made such a good friend. Not that it mattered because he was no longer with them, and Elias imagined he would get upset by talking about him. That didn’t leave him with much to talk about, but he would figure something out.

“Do you want to know how I got greeted by the Northmen?”

"Sure."

“They punched me.”

Arthor chuckled, “why? What’d you do?”

“Nothing. I did absolutely nothing.”

That was the strange thing about the Northerners. Elias had slowly gotten used to it, but he remembered how nervous he had felt the first time he had met with them. They were nothing like those who lived further South. He thought that punching him had been their way of greeting him, or perhaps they had just tried to intimidate him which wasn’t very difficult since Elias hadn’t been very confident back then. Either way, he had learned a lot about them, and he was glad that he had stayed with them.

"You do have a very punchable face."

“That was rude,” Elias scoffed.

"The truth hurts sometimes,” Arthor shrugged.

Elias shook his head, “I thought you were attracted to me.”

"I am, even if your face is very punchable and your nose is too big."

“Your lips are too thin,” Elias shot back at him.

Two could play that game. Elias didn’t take any of it personally. They were joking around like they usually were. He was also only joking when he insulted Arthor. While he waited for his response, Elias took a long sip of his cup. Now he knew he would need all the wine he could fucking get, but at the same time, he didn’t want to get drunk. That sounded like a mistake was bound to happen then, and he would end up doing something incredibly stupid with Arthor. He would drink one more cup and then he would be done.

"My lips are fine."

“I don’t agree,” Elias chuckled.

"Fine,” Arthor shrugged.

“Are you angry now?”

Perhaps Arthor didn’t understand that he was joking, or he was just very good at pretending to be angry. Elias found it a little amusing, but he didn’t want to upset Arthor. If he was genuinely upset, he would apologise. Either way, Elias had concluded that Arthor wasn’t very good at handling his alcohol. He should have realised that sooner considering how long they had known each other, but it was so much easier to see it now than it had been before when he had been drunk as well.

"Should I be?"

“No.”

"You did hurt my feelings."

“Please forgive me,” Elias pleaded.

Now Elias understood that Arthor was only joking, which made him chuckle. Arthor was much better at pretending when he was drunk. When he was sober he was horrible at lying, and it was so easy for Elias to tell then, now he had actually doubted Arthor for a second.

 

[desti]

It was fun messing around with Elias like this again. Even if Arthor had perhaps taken it seriously for just a second, but he wouldn’t admit that. Now it was obvious that it was a joke, but the alcohol in his mind had made that impossible for Arthor to notice at first. He was on-board now, though. Arthor could make fun of Elias’ nose the whole night if he’d want to.

“I’ll think about it,” Arthor shrugged.

“Please.”

That was a nice sound to hear and Arthor grinned a little. He wanted to leave now, but stubbornly he stayed put for whatever reason as he shrugged again, “I said I’ll think about it.”

“Okay.”

It made Arthor chuckle and he drank some more. Maybe Elias didn’t think it was that funny, but Arthor found it amusing. Now that he thought about it, Arthor figured he’d probably forgive Elias literally anything. He was such a good friend. Elias had been with him through so many things and he was helping him now and undoubtedly would help him in the coming weeks, and Arthor really appreciated that.

When Arthor drank, so did Elias. Maybe he would get drunk with him after all, or Arthor hoped so. Then he could share with him his stupid stories again that Arthor both hated and loved. They made him feel embarrassed to know Elias and they also made him laugh a little bit too much. Gods, he was such a good person to be around. That made Arthor wrap his arm around his shoulders again, moving himself closer to Elias with his chair.

That made Elias place his hand on Arthor’s knee again. All sorts of ideas rushed through his mind, but Arthor wasn’t dumb enough to fulfill any of them. He’d need a few more cups of wine for that. Instead, he just rubbed Elias’ shoulder as he smiled a little, looking down at him, “you’re such a good friend. I’m so lucky to have you.”

"I'm glad I have you."

“I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re so good,” Arthor mumbled and he heard himself stretching the words out far too much, which made him chuckle.

"Good thing I'm staying here with you forever."

“I’ll try not to get annoyed by you,” Arthor nodded and leant back again, keeping his arm around Elias’ shoulders while he drank his wine.

"And I'll try to handle your stupidity."

“Good luck with that.”

Both Elias and Leanah should know by now that Arthor was an absolute idiot. Gods, the things he said and did sometimes were absolutely ridiculous. Sometimes Arthor was surprised that he was still alive after everything he’d done both now and a few years back. He was dumb, but apparently he was also very lucky.

“Thank you.”

Absentmindedly, Arthor stroked his fingers against Elias’ shoulder, not thinking much of it. He moved his leg up, resting his right ankle on his left knee as he looked around the Great Hall. Arthor avoided Leanah, knowing that he’d just stare at her again and get upset.

"You're getting awfully comfortable,” Elias chuckled and when Arthor looked at him he had a big smile on his face.

“Is that a problem?”

“I like it.”

“I’m not doing anything,” Arthor chuckled.

"That is because there are people around."

“Wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” he nodded.

Just in case Elias would dare him to do something, Arthor drank some more wine for courage. He knew that most people were too busy talking or exchanging pleasantries with one another. Some were just as drunk as he was, some were just dancing or bringing their gifts to the newlyweds. Nobody would really notice, but Arthor still hesitated, even if it did sound fun.

"I wouldn't be uncomfortable."

At that, Arthor chuckled and nodded, resisting the sudden urge to touch Elias in ways that would make this feast a lot more fun and exciting. That’s how it had always been, but now it felt a little different after everything. Arthor wasn’t sure if it was better or worse, but either way it was fun to think about. It was distracting too, which was greatly appreciated.

"Are you enjoying the thought of it?"

“Yes,” Arthor chuckled.

“Me too.”

“Oh,” he grinned, drinking.

"Such a shame we can't leave yet."

“A shame, indeed. Drink with me?” Arthor smiled as he raised his cup towards Elias.

The thought of leaving sounded pleasant to his dulled mind. How many cups had he had? Too many? That sounded about right. Either way, now Arthor could only think about Elias. He heard the cheers and laughter every once in a while, Arthor thought there’d even been a speech that he’d missed entirely. None of it mattered now, though.

"Of course."

As Elias raised his cup to his lips, Arthor moved his hand to the bottom of the goblet and tilted it more upwards so that the wine would spill all over Elias’ front. Arthor chuckled and quickly drank his own cup of wine without any incidents as he watched Elias scoot away and look at the mess he’d made.

“You’re so clumsy, Elias,” Arthor shook his head, “you should go get cleaned up.”

"Arthor."

Though Elias sounded a little angry, Arthor kept grinning at him. He thought it was amusing and also gave them a good enough reason to leave. Arthor watched as Elias got up from his chair, shaking his head at him, "you stay here."

“You know I won’t,” Arthor chuckled.

The look Elias gave him was enough to make Arthor shift in his seat. He watched him walk away for a moment before he filled up his wine cup once more and drank it empty. Arthor wasn’t sure if he had any wine left in his room or if Elias had any in his, so he just wanted to have one last cup. He got up then, holding onto the table for support until he regained his balance before following Elias outside.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Dishonesty
Chapter CXIII
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar
​

The feast reminded Leanah of why she had never liked weddings. They were often awfully boring. Now it wasn’t because it was boring that Leanah didn’t enjoy her own wedding. Her fate had been sealed, and she belonged to Adian, which had been a nice thought a few days ago. It only made her sad to think about it as she sat there in her chair, looking down at her fingers as she played with them in her lap. Every time she looked down at herself, she couldn’t stop thinking about the bastard Arthor had given her.

When Leanah had tried to find him in the crowd, Arthor was nowhere to be seen. She would have liked him to be here so he could whisper sweet, reassuring words to her. Even if he wouldn’t have done that, it upset her that he wasn’t here to make her happy. Though she understood that maybe Arthor didn’t want to be here. She couldn’t force him to stay at her wedding feast if he didn’t want to, so she decided to stop looking around for him.

Everything only got worse when Adian tried to care for her. Leanah didn’t want his care because she knew she didn’t deserve it. Every time she looked at him, she would think of the child and remember how she had betrayed her husband. It didn’t make her feel very good knowing she wasn’t only ruining her life, but his life as well. Not only that but this was their wedding that, she couldn’t even find it in her to genuinely smile at all the nice words people were saying, or laugh at all the attempts Adian made to cheer her up.

Not once did Leanah touch her cup of wine. It was very tempting, but she feared she would only throw it up. The same with the food they were served, she only poked it around with the cutlery, not actually eating anything. At certain times it felt as if she was at the verge of tears, but she kept it all in, trying her best at pretending that everything was fine. That was so difficult, and she wanted to let Adian take care of her because she needed comfort. When he had then asked if he could get her something else to eat, Leanah had declined the offer.

Now Leanah only sat there staring at her dumb fingers as she prayed that time would go faster. The crowd was making her feel uncomfortable. No matter how hard she tried to ignore the big secret she was keeping from everyone, it felt impossible. All she wanted was to get rid of it, but she didn’t know if she had the heart to do something like that. At the same time, how would she survive knowing her first child would be Arthor’s bastard.

"You look tired, Leanah. How about I ask your mother if we can leave the feast?"

Leanah rose her gaze, meeting Adian’s then, “no, it’s okay.”

"Are you sure?"

“Don’t worry. I’m sure,” Leanah said, trying to smile at him.

Adian reached for her hand, and Leanah let him take it. Though his touch was so comforting, Leanah felt so upset that she would likely break his heart if she told him the truth. She still squeezed his hand, lacing their fingers together. Even if it felt wrong of her to want his touch, she didn’t want to let him go.

"I'm sorry,” he said.

“For what?”

"I feel like I've done something wrong,” he chuckled, but it didn’t sound happy.

“You haven’t.”

That made her chest ache as Adian felt guilty for something he hadn’t done. Leanah leaned closer to him, not wanting him to feel guilty for her mistakes that he did not know about. She moved her other hand under his chin to make him look at her again. It felt a little better when he looked at her again, but now she saw how sad he also seemed to be. Had she ruined their whole day? Gods, she was a horrible person.

"I'm sorry that you had to marry me."

“Don’t say that, please.”

Leanah was trying her best at making Adian believe her, but it didn’t seem like he did. He looked away again, and that made Leanah pull away her hands as she also looked away. Here she had thought the day couldn’t get worse, and now all she wanted was to get up and leave. She didn’t though. Instead, she sat there quietly as she felt like a burden to Adian. He was clearly upset, thinking this was his fault, but it wasn’t. It was her fault and Arthor’s fault, but she couldn’t tell him about that now.

They’d had so much fun together before all of this. Leanah had felt happy with him, and Adian had seemed to be happy with her as well. Now all that had been ruined because of her stupid mistakes. The urge to do something incredibly stupid lingered inside of her, and the wine in her cup looked even more tempting to drink now. Leanah grabbed the cup, pouring all the liquid down her throat. It tasted strange as she hadn’t gotten used to the taste yet, but she knew the slight buzz and warmth it would give her would help her.

Once there was no more wine in her cup, she put the cup down, wrapping her arms around herself as she looked at the filled plates in front of her. She hated every second of being there with him now, and she felt stupid for even trying to talk to him. It was so very clear now that she didn’t deserve him and that he deserved so much better than her.

 

[desti]

This wasn’t how Adian had imagined it to go. After Leanah and him began to get close, truly bond with one another, it became so nice to think about their wedding. It was easy to imagine them smiling and sharing kisses, whispering things to each other while they patiently waited for the feast to end. Adian liked feasts, he liked weddings, but he absolutely hated everything about this.

Not because it wasn’t pretty or because he hadn’t been happy to marry Leanah. Gods, he’d been ecstatic once he’d seen her walk towards him in the Sept. Only later did Adian notice that something wasn’t quite right, that all her smiles seemed forced and that she seemed so very distant. It wasn’t hard for Adian to jump to the conclusion that she didn’t want this. He understood that.

It had been silly of him to think that Leanah wanted to marry him. He’d seen how worried she’d been when they’d met, some days and nights spent together obviously hadn’t changed that. Adian felt so stupid for actually thinking that Leanah wanted this as much as he did. Even when she tried to tell him that he’d done nothing wrong, Adian didn’t want to hear it, because it felt like he’d fucked things up somehow.

Then Leanah just got up from the table and left. She walked away fast enough that Adian didn’t even get time to react, nor did anyone else by the looks of it. It really only seemed like Lady Carlys noticed. A part of him just wanted to stay here and sulk, but he wanted to take care of her, even if it was him that had made her so upset. Adian got up quickly after and went to his mother-in-law, speaking to her briefly before following Leanah out of the Great Hall.

Obviously they were meant to stay during the feast, until the bedding ceremony where they’d be carried away to their room. Adian didn’t want that anymore and obviously Leanah didn’t either. Once he was close enough, Adian said her name, which caused her to stop and turn around to look at him. Now he really just wanted the floor underneath him to crack and swallow him whole. This just made him so fucking uncomfortable and he hated that.

“Where are you going?”

"I don't want to bother you with my presence."

Well, at least they felt the same way about that. Though Adian wasn’t entirely sure why Leanah thought she was bothering him. The only thing bothering him was not knowing what was wrong. He was so very confused about what had changed in the past few days, but maybe he just hadn’t noticed that she was still nervous and not that into him while he slowly grew attached to her.

“You’re not bothering me, Leanah.”

"I have clearly made you upset."

“I’m upset because you are. You haven’t done anything.”

"I don't want you to think this is your fault, though."

“Then what is it? Are you worried, still?” Adian sighed as he closed the distance between them.

"No, I'm not worried."

As Leanah said that, she reached for his hands and Adian just felt guilty still that she wasn’t happy. Leanah deserved to have a wonderful wedding day. He wanted her to smile and laugh and dance with him, but she just looked miserable and it hurt him more than he thought it would. Adian looked down at their hands and tried to figure out if she was just trying to make him feel better or if she was genuine.

"You didn't do anything wrong. You've been so kind to me. This is my fault. I ruined our day."

“Did something happen? I don’t understand, Leanah.”

"I'm just upset."

“Why?”

To Adian, it just sounded like she was too sweet to tell him the real reason. Maybe she just didn’t want to hurt his feelings. That was nice of her to do, he supposed, but Adian just wanted to hear the truth from her. He felt like absolute shit, because he didn’t know how to make her feel better, since he didn’t know the cause of her unhappiness.

"I'm not ready to talk about it."

Now that just made Adian’s belief that he’d done something more believable. He couldn’t think of anything else that could be wrong, since nothing had happened in Santrella or with Leanah that he’d heard of. It had just all switched so suddenly and it was so fucking confusing. Maybe Adian should just leave her alone.

“Alright.”

"I'm sorry."

For a moment, Adian just let her walk away from him. He wanted to go back to the feast, but, Gods, she looked miserable and he hated that. Adian wanted to make her genuinely happy at least once this whole stupid day, then he could sleep. He hated this and he just wanted her to have at least one happy moment from her wedding day. Though Adian still felt anxious that he’d done something wrong and that it was his fault that she was upset and that kept him away from catching up with her again.

Still, the need to help her was too strong, so he followed her again after a moment of thought, “Leanah.”

“Yes?” Leanah asked as she stopped to look at him again.

“Is there anything I can do? I hate seeing you like this,” Adian sighed as he moved to stand right in front of her.

"I feel like I don't deserve your comfort right now."

“Why wouldn’t you?” Adian frowned, reaching to take her hand in his.

"I made our wedding day miserable."

“It’s not your fault that you’re upset,” Adian mumbled.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

Nothing about this was fair. Leanah had grown attached to Adian, but after everything, it no longer felt right that he had to marry her. She was a horrible person that he should have dreaded having to marry. It was so tempting to tell him that she had loved someone else and that he had put a child in her, but she didn’t. She wasn’t ready to tell Adian about the truth, and she hadn’t decided if she even wanted to tell him the truth. If she did, then he would hate her, but perhaps she deserved that. Leanah was certain she didn’t deserve his comfort or care.

It frustrated Leanah when Adian told her it wasn’t her fault. Everything about this was her fault. Had she not slept with Arthor or fallen in love with him, she would have never been in this situation. She was the one dragging Adian with her into a miserable life. Not once had he done anything that had upset her, and this was how she was treating him. Gods, she hated herself so much as she stood there with her hand in his.

“It is my fault. Everything is my fault,” Leanah said, raising her voice at him.

"I don't understand, Leanah."

“I’m saying that this is all my fault. I’m going to make your life miserable.”

"You make me happy, Leanah."

Adian squeezed her hand, but Leanah couldn’t take it. She pulled her hand away, taking a step back as she raised her hands to rub at her eyes. If she was making him happy, then that wouldn’t last for very long. Soon enough the truth would come out one way or another, and Adian would know that she had lied to him. It felt as if the world around her was crumbling. She didn’t want to be here anymore.

“Leanah,” Adian said, and Leanah heard him take a step towards her.

“If I told you the truth, you would hate me.”

"I could never hate you, Leanah."

Leanah doubted that, but she knew she had to tell him even if she wasn’t ready. If he would hate her, then she deserved it because of how foolish she was. Her breath hitched as she pulled her hands away from her face to look at him. Adian was a good man who deserved kindness and love, and Leanah was instead giving him a bastard that she imagined she could never love or accept. Perhaps Adian would help her get rid of it. That way Leanah would never have to worry about it again.

"Come here,” Adian mumbled, pulling her into a hug.

“I lied to you,” Leanah said, wrapping her arms around him as she held onto him so tightly.

"About what?"

How was Leanah supposed to tell him? Adian was stroking his hands over her back and hair, and though his touch was so comforting, she had no idea how she was supposed to tell him. It felt so difficult to speak then as she clutched onto him, not wanting him to let her go. She imagined he would push her far away from him when she would tell him, but she kept telling herself that she would deserve it.

“I don’t know how to tell you,” Leanah mumbled.

"You don't have to."

“I do, because this is going to ruin my life.”

"You can tell me when you're ready. I'll wait,” Adian mumbled.

Leanah knew she would never feel ready to tell him. Soon enough her handmaidens would notice that something wasn’t right, but she didn’t feel ready to tell him about everything. There was no way she would get those words past her lips that she was with child. That would have to wait, but Gods, what was she supposed to tell him then. Leanah pulled away from him after Adian kissed the top of her head so that she could look at him.

“I had a lover before I met you.”

There was no answer from Adian. He only looked confused while he kept his hands on her waist. Leanah sighed, looking away from him, “we slept together.”

"And you loved him?"

“Yes.”

"I'm sorry."

Adian pulled away from her, and when Leanah looked up at him, he looked sad. That didn’t make her feel very good, but it felt a little easier now that he knew about that. She didn’t love Arthor anymore like she once had. Their memories still lingered on her mind sometimes, but they were friends now. What they’d had in the past was in the past, and she wanted to be with Adian, or she had wanted to be with him until now when she felt like she didn’t deserve him anymore.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

When Adian didn’t answer, Leanah grew worried. Now she was happy that she hadn’t told him the whole truth. He wouldn’t have been able to handle it. She watched as he rubbed his jaw, looking around, but not once looking at her. There were so many things she wanted to tell him then, but she felt speechless. She knew there was nothing she could say to make this better, or that was at least what she thought. Therefore, Leanah stayed quiet.

 

[desti]

What Leanah told him was shocking to say the least. It wasn’t that hard to believe, though, because it definitely explained some of the things that had happened between them and the way Leanah sometimes acted. Was she upset because she lost her lover because of Adian? That seemed plausible. Adian didn’t feel angry at her or anything, he just felt upset that he’d taken her away from a man she loved.

Was that stupid of him? Adian knew that other men might be upset with Leanah for doing this, but he didn’t really care if she’d been with someone prior to him. He’d been with other women, so he didn’t want to be a hypocrite. Adian knew it hurt to love someone and have them taken away from them, so he figured that Leanah must be terribly upset. His mind rushed with thoughts of how to make this better, and he only came to one conclusion.

Adian cleared his throat and spoke, “if you want him, I can pretend not to know about it.”

If Leanah loved this man, then Adian didn’t want to rip her away from him. He imagined that would only make her despise him and grow distant from him. Though Adian would feel awkward about the situation, he wanted Leanah to be happy. If she wanted to have a lover, then he’d just have to deal with that. Adian didn’t imagine that it’d be easy, but he thought that he’d manage, if that would make her happy.

"I don't love him anymore. I don't want him. He didn't treat me very well."

Immediately that cleared Adian’s thoughts he’d had about letting her have him. If he mistreated her, then he didn’t want them anywhere near each other. It made him angry to hear this, but Adian kept himself in line and didn’t begin assuming things straight away. If Leanah would want to talk about what happened between them, then he’d listen, but he wouldn’t ask any prying questions now.

“I’m sorry.”

"For what?"

“That he wasn’t good to you,” Adian mumbled and reached for her hand again.

"It's okay."

“It’s not.”

Right now, Adian couldn’t help but wonder if what Leanah had said in the gardens to him about aggressive men was related to this. He felt uncomfortable thinking about that and, again, he didn’t want to assume anything. Adian wanted to know if she was alright, if she was harmed by whoever she had once loved. But he tried to keep his curiosity away, because he feared that asking her would just make her more upset.

"I forgave him."

“Why?”

"He was my best friend."

“But you said he didn’t treat you well. Him being your friend is not an excuse. If anything, that just makes it worse.”

"I know, but he needs me."

“He’s a man, not a child.”

"He tried to force himself on me, and I forgave him."

Hearing that just made Adian incredibly uncomfortable. That wasn’t good at all and he felt uneasy just thinking that this man might still be around and close to Leanah. Now more than ever did Adian feel the need to protect her and care for her. How could someone do something like that to her? Instead of saying anything, Adian just pulled her into his arms again, hugging her tightly against him.

As he thought about everything, Adian rested his cheek against the top of her head. Now it didn’t make that much sense as to why she was so upset, but maybe it was leftover feelings that were bringing her down. If so, then Adian understood that and he’d deal with it.

“Is he still here?”

"Yes."

That made Adian tighten his grip around Leanah as he held her close against his chest. He didn’t want her to be around people like that, as it could happen again, if it had happened once. Especially if Leanah had forgiven them. Had they been at the feast, too? Adian felt uncomfortable, knowing that he could’ve been in the same room as him.

"He was the one who gave me to you."

It was the shock of that which made Adian pull away to look at her, “the guard?”

“Yes.”

Gods, this was hurting his head. Adian recognised him as Sir Arthor who he knew to be Lady Carlys’ sworn shield, but he would’ve never guessed that the story was a lot more complex. So he was her lover and he had hurt Leanah greatly. Adian wasn’t violent, not at all, but he did have a sudden urge to punch him right in the face.

“Why is he still here? Does your mother not know about this?”

"She doesn't know that he tried to force himself on me, but she knows about us."

“I don’t want him to be anywhere near you.”

"He's my friend."

“Well, he’s a shit friend,” Adian frowned and couldn’t help but raise his voice a little out of the anger that was bubbling inside of him.

"I don't know how to let him go. Even when he told me he used me, I couldn't let him go."

“Leanah…”

Obviously Leanah loved him a lot and Adian understood that. When you loved someone, you were willing to ignore their mistakes just to keep them around. If Sir Arthor hadn’t hurt her, then Adian wouldn’t have a problem with that. Since he had, though, it just made him worried and uncomfortable. Leanah seemed to still consider him a friend, even though Adian couldn’t understand how she could do such a thing. It was all so fucking confusing.

 

[scoorpiuuss]

The conversation about Arthor made Leanah once again realise what a horrible man he had been to her, but Adian didn’t know the full story. Before they had been lovers, Arthor had been a good guard and a friend. It wasn’t until they had become lovers that she had seen a side of him that she had never seen before. All those good memories were making it incredibly difficult for her to let him go, and he had been so sweet with her today that it did seem like they were back to how they had been.

But Adian made Leanah question if forgiving Arthor had been the right thing to do.

That made everything worse for Leanah because of her other secret. How would Adian react if she told him that the man who had mistreated her would be the father of her bastard? She couldn’t even imagine how he would react, and she grew more unsure if she should tell him or not. That was when Leanah decided she would have to tell Arthor first. He had to know, and perhaps he could redeem himself somehow by helping her. If he didn’t then at least, Leanah would get the proof she needed to see that Arthor wasn’t someone she wanted around her.

“I’m sorry,” Leanah mumbled.

"I need an apology from him, not you."

Would Adian speak to him? Leanah didn’t like the sound of that because she knew what kind of person Arthor turned into when he was angry. It didn’t seem like a good idea to her, but she wouldn’t stop Adian. If he wanted to speak to Arthor, then she would let him. She only hoped that something bad wouldn’t happen, because even if she knew she had to let Arthor go if he couldn’t prove to her that he was doing better, she wanted him to stay at the castle. Gods, she was pathetic.

“I should talk to him.”

"Should you?"

“Yes, I need to tell him that I told you.”

"I can him tell him that."

“He might get angry,” Leanah mumbled, shaking her head.

"All the more reason for me to do it, not you."

Perhaps Adian was right. Though Leanah wanted to believe that Arthor wouldn’t hurt her again, he had made that promise quite a few times now and broken it every time. He had always found some way to hurt her whether it would be using her, forcing her to do something she didn’t want or make her emotionally distressed. It hadn’t been healthy for her, but she was still clinging onto the idea of Arthor so tightly.

“I won’t stop you.”

"Good."

“I didn’t mean to lie to you.”

"You didn't lie to me, you just didn't tell me."

“Well, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Leanah sighed.

"It's fine."

Hadn’t it been for the horrible secret Leanah was keeping from him, she might have felt closer to him now. She just felt like a bad person that she was still keeping the truth hidden from him. As Adian pulled her into a hug, holding her close, all Leanah wanted was to tell him that he was the one she wanted. He was a good man, and she was attracted to him, but she didn’t tell him that because she wasn’t worthy of this. Even if it was mostly Arthor’s fault, she was also to blame for being stupid and naive for thinking they could have been together.

“Thank you for being so kind to me. I don’t deserve it.”

Adian stayed quiet, and Leanah let him comfort her as he stroked her hair. She wrapped her arms around him, stroking her fingers along his back. Their wedding hadn’t been what she had thought it would be. She had wanted a happy day filled with good memories, but instead, it had been ruined. That made her upset because she wished it would have been a good day. Could she ever forgive herself for that?

"Do you think he'd hurt you again?"

“I don’t know. He promised he wouldn’t, but he has broken that promise many times.”

"Right."

“Maybe I’m too dumb to realise that he could hurt me again, though.”

"Don't say that."

“Okay,” Leanah mumbled.

"I won't let him hurt you. I'm going to talk to him."

“Thank you.”

At that Adian tightened his grip around her. Leanah closed her eyes, leaning up to nuzzle her face against his neck. Now she wanted to forget about everything that had happened and would happen. She wanted him to take care of her. Adian pressed a kiss against her head, which made her feel safe in his arms. Once she had felt safe in Arthor’s arms, but she knew she wasn’t. She hoped Adian could protect her. He was her husband now, and it was his duty to protect her.

"I suppose you probably don't want to go back to the feast."

“Do you want to?”

"Not really."

“I don’t want to either.”

"Then let's not. I already talked to your mother before I left."

Leanah nodded, hoping that her mother wasn’t mad at her, “what do you want to do?”

"I don't know. I can leave you alone if you want."

“No, stay with me.”

Leanah didn’t want to be alone. Not now, even if she didn’t deserve Adian, she wanted him to be with her. His company was nice, and she knew he would be able to comfort her. It was their wedding day after all, and they were supposed to spend that time together.