- The Law Of Cosmic Balance: On a forum or website with favoritism voting, if someone or something has a skyrocketing perfect record, they will eventually receive the lowest possible vote by one or more members.
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Ray of Sunshine From Camp Half-Blood, Half-Blood Hill, Farm Road 3.141
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Wimp Syndrome:
- On a board which advocates a specific series of games with multiple difficulty levels, the board's users will not take you seriously if you do not play on the hardest difficulty level.
- However, if you claim to beat the game among the harder levels if not the hardest level of them all, you better be armed with screencaps.
- Corollary: DMD Syndrome: Only the highest difficulty level will warrant any respect from the community. The name is taken from the highest difficulty level of Devil May Cry, which is called Dante Must Die.
- Law Of Old'd: No matter how "new" news is, at least one person already knows it, probably from a different forum or corresponding chatroom. Even though a user will get flamed for posting "old news", there will always be several users who didn't know it before.
I own God.
- Illinia's Paradox (The Me Time Rule): If you are having a one-on-one conversation with an angsty user and trying to console them, it may seem as though the best way to help would be to sympathize and relate to them by telling about your own experiences with the subject. This will actually not cheer them up at all, because you are robbing them of attention.
Person 1: I'm depressed.
Person 2: I remember when I used to have problems with depression...
Person 1: Shut up, we're talking about my problems, not yours.
- Noob Effusion Axiom: If you make a habit of parodying annoying users, you will become just as annoying as they are.
- Law of Reverse Irony Perception: When posting a Sacrastic or Ironic post the amount of people who recognise the Sarcasm is inverselly proportional to the amount of Emoticons used.
- Law of Sarcasm Infallibility: "Sarcasm always makes sense, even when it doesn't."
- On every forum, there will be at least one member (usually a veteran) who will task themselves with speaking only in sarcastic, witty one-liners. Said one-liners will be assumed by everybody to be meaningful, even if they actually don't make any sense.
- If the one-liner is clearly meaningless, its meaninglessness is assumed to be the meaning.
- "Pwned" Clause: If said one-liner has a spelling error, that error will be assumed to be part of the meaning too (and will be replicated by other users).
- The Law of Misplaced Nationalism Embarrassment: Seeing someone from your own home country make an idiot of themselves with Misplaced Nationalism is embarrassing, but seeing someone from another country do it is more mortifying because it makes you realize just how much the idiot from your home country is embarrassing the country as a whole.
Just gonna skip over the Diversity Obliviousness Phenomenon since I posted that one a long while back.
- English Law: If a user expresses annoyance or puzzlement that Americans don't spell words the same way as everybody else, the first response will be that English didn't have standard spellings until the 19th century, after the first dictionaries were published in America.
- Dutch Multilingual Constant:
- Most multilingual forum-users that are able to speak three or more languages comfortably, if not fluently, will tend to be from a relatively small number of areas; Belgium, the Netherlands, Finland, etc. It is also common that on any particular forum, the multilingual users [or at least half of them] will from the same area.
- Official Secondary Language Principle:
- If a forum is based around a particular work or series which includes one or more usable constructed languages, words or short expressions from those languages will tend to be found in posts otherwise in English (or the native language of the forum) and tend to be widely understood even among those who do not speak the language to any greater degree.
- Wannabe Polyglot Syndrome: If a community has a considerable number of people who speak a common second language but still mainly stick to using the community's primary language with each other, then there will also be at least one other person who claims to speak that second language despite having no qualifications beyond "I took a year of <language> in college", if even that.
- Corollary: If the second language is Japanese, said user's vocabulary will most likely consist of "kawaii", "neko", "baka", and "desu". There is also a 50% chance this user mispronounces "neko" as "nickel".
"It's not that I don't have enough motivation. The problem is that I don't have any at all. Not for useless things."
-Linhardt, Fire Emblen: Three Houses
- Polyglot Syndrome:
- As a 100% English site grows bigger, the probability of finding a post written entirely in another language approaches 1. Said post rarely has a reason for being written in a different language, since obviously the user can navigate an English website.
- Corollary: There is a 90% chance said post will be written in Spanish.
- Addendum: If is an Anime or Manga site, than there is a 90% chance the post will be in Japanese.
- Corollary: If the forum has a primarily European audience and lacks an enforced 'English-only' rule, 1 in 10 threads will be in French, German or Russian.
- Lock Picking Theorem:
- When a new user creates a thread which is quickly locked, there is a 50% chance that they will make a thread asking why the thread was locked, demanding the thread to be unlocked, continuing the locked topic, or apologizing for being stupid enough to create the thread in the first place.
- The longer the new thread goes without being locked, the more closely it will come to resemble the original thread, including the exact same arguments and posters.
- Poster Ghost Rule: Every forum will have at least one member who hasn't been active for a long period of time, but everyone else remembers them and reminisces about their antics. You will be expected to know about them even if you only signed up a week ago.
- Technology Nooblet Phenomenon:
- In a popular forum, there will always be at least one new user who will start out thinking that the forum administrators designed the forum software it uses and will request bug fixes and offer suggestions. They may also confuse anyone with moderator or comparable status with an admin.
- The Fix It Corollary: If the forum is about software or consumer electronics, there will always be at least one new user who thinks the forum administrators designed the software or device and should therefore be contacted in case of bugs or feature requests. This applies whether or not there is a forum section dedicated to such, an official bug report form and whether or not the forum is in any way associated with the company involved.
Online learning has killed the sick day.
I just read some quotes from My Immortal and my brain hurts. If even quotes from that story can cause pain then I can't imagine what reading the full thing must be like.
- The Me Too Guy: On every forum, there is at least one user who feels they don't fit in with the community, and will constantly refer to this fact by referring to themselves in most of their posts, qualifying every post as an opinion, apologizing profusely for other posts or actions, and eventually attempting to start a "Why does everyone hate me" thread. It is usually the case that this person would fit in just fine if it weren't for all of their desperate attempts to fit in. This user is especially prone to other laws such as the Boomerang Law, the Name Change Cascade, the Lock Picking Theorem, and the Illusions of Grandeur Principle.
Inevitable Jerkass Rule:
- Any forum not specifically aimed at an intelligent audience will inevitably attract some loud-mouthed, poorly-informed idiots who make Cirno look smart. Any forum which is specifically aimed at an intelligent audience will inevitably attract some arrogant, pretentious, and egotistical snobs who make Sheldon Cooper seem downright humble. Either way, there's no avoiding them completely.
"Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you were arguing about the water in the glass, I drank it." - The opportunist
Inevitable Troll Rule:
- Any forum focused around a single work or franchise is guaranteed to have at least one poster who hates the work or franchise in question and complains about it at every opportunity, despite the fact that the entire rest of the forum wants them to go away. This poster will be as annoying to everyone as possible, but will be careful to not actually break any rules, so they are rarely banned, or if they are, it is usually after a relatively long time.
- The Caste System:
- Members can bully those in a lower tier on the Forum Pecking Order and see little to no punishment for it. But if a lower-ranked guy so much as criticizes someone in a higher caste, they're looking at anywhere from a public verbal whipping by the mods to being banned outright.
- The Nepotism Corollary: For purposes of this theorem only, being a friend of one or more mods automatically promotes one to The Old Guard.
- The Shepherd Exception: Communities with a sufficiently high ratio of Shepherds to other members are exempt from this caste system.
- The External Skype Server Phenomenon: Sub-communities within a larger one will develop their own internal caste system, complete with mis-uses of power. However, casual references to this sub-community in the main environment means the chances of the actual mods discovering what's going on will steadily approach one over time.
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