Bacteria: The only culture that some people have.
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Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?
When he asked them who was the best composer, all they would say was, "Bach Bach Bach!"
Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be doing a movie about classical music?
He'll be Bach.
The meeting of the clairvoyants society has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.
My six year old told me that she wants a cat for Christmas.
Normally I do a turkey, but hey, if it will make her happy. . .
Did you hear about the man that survived a Grizzly bear attack with just a .22 pistol?
His friend that he shot in the knee was not as lucky.
I just swallowed a whole box of Scrabble pieces.
My next poop could spell disaster.
Earlier today, I saw a great paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.
I was once kidnapped by a pack of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts upon me.
Do you know the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream!
You can't lose a homing pigeon. If it doesn't come back, what you've lost is a regular pigeon.
Let me tell you a little about myself.
It is a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'.
When I was little, my mom used to feed me alphabet soup and would tell me that I loved it.
I really didn't. She was just putting words in my mouth.
I've decided that my new career is to be a backwards stripper. I'll come out on stage naked, and people pay me to put my clothes back on.
Last night, I went to a seafood disco.
I pulled a mussel dancing.
Did you hear about the dentist and the manicurist? They fight tooth and nail.
You may not believe this, but pretzels are knot bread.
All of the psychics I know are angry and depressed.
I need a happy medium.
Where would we all be without rhetorical questions?
Kid: <spits out food>
Mom: We will have none of that! If it goes into your mouth, you swallow it!"
Dad: <looks at Mom.>
Mom: Shut up, dear!
DC Movie Heroes: "Killing is wrong. The only thing that separates us from the villains is our moral code. Otherwise, we'd be just as bad as them."
Marvel Movie Heroes: "So anyways, when I saw the bad guys, I started blasting . . . "
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, then my illegal logging business is going well.
Have you seen the movie "Constipated?" Don't worry; it hasn't come out yet.
I married Miss Right. I discovered later on that her first name was Always.
Corduroy pillows.
They are making headlines. -
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