Sherwood

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 26, 2019

Me, talking to a priest in a confession booth: I just committed all seven of the deadly sins in less than thirty minutes.
Priest: This I have to hear.
Me: I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share.
Priest: You forgot Pride.
Me: No, I'm pretty proud of myself.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 26, 2019

What do you do with a dead chemist?
You Barium.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 26, 2019

If you are reading this, it would seem that the assassins have failed.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 26, 2019

My wife called me immature yesterday so I banned her from my blanket fort. That will teach her.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 25, 2019

Sometimes understanding what a woman wants is difficult. Its like trying to find out what the color seven smells like.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 25, 2019

Not stabbing someone when you really want to is a sign of successful adulting.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 25, 2019

I have no superpowers. I'm guessing that means I'm the villain.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 25, 2019

I hate waiting in lines. I wish that woman would just hurry up and pick a suspect.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 25, 2019

I'm broke but not poor broke. I'm a classy kind of broke. I'm broque.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 25, 2019

I wonder if I've ever bought milk from the same cow twice.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 25, 2019

Coffee is so confident. Its just a wet bean, and its like I'm worth 5.75 and you need me bitch.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 24, 2019

DnD Pickup LIne:
I hope you are not a Mimic, because your chest is epic!

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 23, 2019

Anime woman: *has baby*
Anime doctor: *checks baby's hairstyle* I'm sorry ma'am, he's a main character.
Anime woman: *sobs* No! I'm too young to die!
Anime doctor: I'm sorry ma'am. You know the rules. *Takes out gun . . . *

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 23, 2019

The older I get, the less surprised I'd be if some random body part just decided to fall off.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 23, 2019

I am a gentleman, but when I get mad, I am an evil demon spawned sadistic ass that will make you rue the day you were born.

But when I'm in a good mood, I bake cookies and shit.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 23, 2019

Kids today don't know anything about stress. When I grew up, if you missed a tv show, you just missed it. Forever.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 22, 2019

How are relationships a lot like algebra?

Sometimes you look at your X and you wonder Y.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 22, 2019

Did you know that Raymond Burr had a brother that was a lumberjack? His name was Tim.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 21, 2019

Do you remember, before the internet, it was thought that collective stupidity was the cause of a lack of information?

Well, it wasn't that.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 21, 2019

Did you hear about the giant that threw up?

Its all over town!

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 21, 2019

Why do teenagers walk in groups of 3 or 5?

Because they can't even.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 21, 2019

What does Winnie the Pooh, Alexander the Great, and Chance the Rapper have in common?

Their middle name is 'the'!

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 21, 2019

Things that us crazy cat people do:
Answer your cat's meows with, "Yes, yes! I know!"

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 21, 2019

I was such a badass when I was younger. Once I peed in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke, and now that truck is known as Optimus Prime.

• 

  Sherwood

• Aug 21, 2019

The police officer that pulled me over said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"Obviously not fast enough. You caught me!"