Right now, there is more money being spent on Viagra and boob jobs than there is on Alzheimer's research. That means that in 20 years, old people will have perky boobs and stiff willies and not remember why.
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Opinions are like orgasms. Mine are more important, and I don't care if you have one.
Instructor: Welcome to salsa class! Who's ready to learn to dance?
Me, hiding a bag of tortilla chips: There seems to have been a misunderstanding.
Holding the door open for a clown is a nice jester.
If Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy were to try and speak Spanish, would he say, "yo soy Groot" or would he say "I am Groot" but mean Spanish words?
Ever notice that Captain America and Iron Man wear masks/helmets but everyone knows who they are, but Superman and Wonder Woman don't wear masks and no one knows who they are?
Do you know why Dasher and Dancer are always taking coffee breaks?
They are Santa's Star Bucks!
I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.
What did the doctor say to the Gingerbread Man?
"Sore knee, huh? Have you tried icing it?"
Have you ever wondered why kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
6 year old kid, looking at his mother's Id card:
Sex: F
He laughs. "Mom, I can't believe that you are so bad at sex that you failed."
Father dies laughing.
In order to find a date, I broke down and joined Christian Mingle. My user name is "Jesus on the streets, Satan in the sheets." Wish me luck.
I have saved a ton of money for Christmas shopping by discussing politics on Facebook.
Don't tell anyone, but I have a secret.
I shower naked.
Whomever said "You snooze, you lose" was mistaken. When I snooze, I win. We all win.
My six year old got mad at me because I couldn't spell a word that she made up. That she MADE UP. That, my friends, is parenting.
I used to just crastinate, but I got so good I went pro.
Remember that old game called "Operation?" Did it bother anyone else that the guy was wide awake during all those procedures?
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. I took her to Subway, and that's when the fight started.
I'll never understand. After a thousand years of eating bread, and suddenly everyone is allergic to gluten.
A friend once asked me how I view lesbian relationships. I replied, "In full HD."
She hit me. Apparently, that was the wrong answer.
My wife is amazing!!! She just surprised me with a 250 thousand dollar life insurance policy, and a vacation trip to the Dominican Republic!
The first person that pulled an egg out from under a chicken's butt and ate it must have been really hungry.
If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people.
I wonder, what do people in China call their good dishes? -
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