To avoid arguing with stupid people, just agree with everything they say. So if someone tells you that 2+2=5, say, "Yep, 'cause you have to remember to carry the one."
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Smiling gives you wrinkles, while resting bitch face does not. Stay beautiful, my friends.
Cupcakes are just muffins that believed in miracles.
People that can finish the shampoo and conditioner bottles at the same time are truly gifted.
Hey ladies: Yesterday's eyeliner can be today's smoky eye look if you believe in yourself.
I finished three books today. Believe it or not, but that is a lot of coloring.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know that I'm hilarious.
My life is kinda like that Rhianna song: Work, work, work, and I can't understand the rest.
I didn't mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.
Avocado: Hello, I am good fat!
Bacon: *Lights up cigarette* *Punches Avocado*
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar, you'll get it.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With words, but I have a dance prepared.
Cats are very empathic. They know how you feel.
They don't care, but they know how you feel.
Math Problems?
Dial 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That's humerus.
"Scary" amusement rides should have an extra set of safety straps that 'break' during the ride.
Here is a random thought. Some of us are still 'It' from a childhood game of 'Tag'.
Laughter may be the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you may need medicine.
Why is it that a theme park camera can take a clear picture of you riding a roller coaster at 60 mph but a bank camera can't get a good image of a bank robber standing still?
Right now, there is more money being spent on Viagra and boob jobs than there is on Alzheimer's research. That means that in 20 years, old people will have perky boobs and stiff willies and not remember why.
Opinions are like orgasms. Mine are more important, and I don't care if you have one.
Instructor: Welcome to salsa class! Who's ready to learn to dance?
Me, hiding a bag of tortilla chips: There seems to have been a misunderstanding.
Holding the door open for a clown is a nice jester.
If Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy were to try and speak Spanish, would he say, "yo soy Groot" or would he say "I am Groot" but mean Spanish words?
Ever notice that Captain America and Iron Man wear masks/helmets but everyone knows who they are, but Superman and Wonder Woman don't wear masks and no one knows who they are? -
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