You know that feeling where you meet someone new and your heart skips a beat? That's called arrhythmia, and you can die from that.
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Success is like pregnancy. Everyone congratulates you, but no one knows how many times you were screwed to get it.
Just remember, I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick sounds like that there is a cure.
I am 100% sure that I called shotgun. Why are you shoving me in the back? I understand that you are arresting me, but the rules of shotgun are pretty clear.
If your grandmother really lives over the river and through the woods, she's either cooking meth or hiding bodies.
Some days while teaching my five year old to do her homework, I find my supply of curse words to be woefully inadequate.
When I wear my kilt, I find that good girls don't ask what I wear under it, and bad girls find out for themselves.
I am a fan of all mythical creatures: Vampires, werewolves, unicorns, children that listen . . .
Marriage is all about finding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically
If a homeschool mom is talking to herself, is she crazy or is it a parent-teacher conference?
Just once on Family Feud I want to see a person's family say that their answer was stupid as fuck.
Guys like girls that can take charge. Ask him out. Plan a date. Take some hostages. Overthrow a government. Burn down his ex's house. Maybe buy him a puppy.
When I'm bored late at night, I text random numbers and say, "You really should clean up under your bed. Its filthy down here. PS: I love you."
Jessica Biel should name a son of hers 'Batmo'.
Just bought my four day pass to GenCon in Indianapolis for the first weekend in August! I can't wait to run some great games there! Woohoo! GenCon baby!
I used to hate math, but then I realized that decimals have a point.
1999: In twenty years, we'll have flying cars!
2019: We literally have to tell people not to eat Tide pods.
Of all the poop in the world, who decided that bat shit was the craziest?
I turn into a mob boss when I see a spider. "I want him dead, his friends dead, his family dead, and his house burnt down!"
Do you want to know the secret to making your spouse/partner go Mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmmm all night long?
Duct Tape
Just remember, no matter how stupid you feel, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't recognize that a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.
I just paid my rent, so don't ask me to come outside. I'm getting my money's worth out of this place.
Money may not be able to buy you happiness, but I'd much rather be crying in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
Satan worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a deity that literally lost a fiddle contest to some random hillbilly in Georgia?
Me: I need some help around here!
Also me: No, not like that. Here, let me do it! -
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