Character Critique Thread

Natealie said:

And now one of the bard is out of line. Everything else is fine though but I can't find a reason why.

Click to expand...

SweetNicole said:

Doing a pass over this even though it's still WIP. Sorry for the length, but there was a lot to talk about that should be discussed and looked over I think.

First off, I'm not too certain about the vigilante role. The primary focus of this roleplay is students and staff in AEGIS. This "vigilante" role that has been growing seems like a large step away from that. I do not know if you will be able to get such a character approved.
We'll see I suppose.
I love the character traits. I think you do a great job of framing them in both positive and negative lights, particularly the neutral ones. I particularly enjoy the negative trait, and I can see that is setting up your character for some great growth down the line. Thumbs up from me!
Aw thanks!
Now, the power. Oh boy. Let's talk about this power because it's a doozy of one.

Judging purely based on the power as it is presented so far, there is scenario in which I feel the Commonwealth would EVER allow his limiter to be turned off. His power is simply so destructive and potentially catastrophic that they would certainly prevent him from ever being able to use his powers to his fullest extent, even if he had a blue card. As such, he'd probably still cost you A rank CCP, but realistically only be able to do D rank powers at best with his limiter on.

Now, as for the power itself, I think this is a case of "too many eggs in one basket." For starters, focusing SOLELY on the aspect of generating fire, 4,000 Celsius is stupidly hot. There is actually nothing that has a higher melting point that 4,000 Celsius as that is the melting point at which even diamonds melt. Basically, this character can burn fucking everything to the ground if they wanted. That's already strong as hell. That much fire generation should be a 7/8/9 rank in ENRG by itself, not a measly 4.
That's a fair point. I might consider making him S-rank.
Second, let's talk about the dial between his powers. It seems like it costs absolutely nothing to change from say 400 to 4000 Celsius. Shouldn't this require some sort of fuel source? After all, fire only is created by the burning of fuel. In this case, I'm assuming his body is acting as the fuel source, so using this power is actually taking up calories that he is burning. At the very least, burning 400 Celsius should only be sustainable for a short period of time, and 4,000 would be holy fuck you're going to die in like 12 seconds from consuming all your calories and then some levels. In general, I'm incredibly dubious of a "intensity toggle" that is at will though, and I would suggest making the power simply be limited to a single temperature - if you want to keep the other aspects of the power.
I wouldn't say that it should have to cost him anything. He already has the required number of limitations, and there's no requirement saying he needs to expend energy to use his power, or at least not expend so much.
Third, how the hell do his wings lift things? Wings aren't designed for lifting up cars or people. They're designed for generating flight - vertical lift, not physically picking something off the ground. How do his wings "grab" onto something or apply leverage? He'd have to step into some funky body positions and postures to be able to say lift a car, if his wings can even handle that, which I don't think any human with bird wings would be able to do with their wings.
He can't exactly grab stuff, as they're wings, not tentacles or hands. They could, however, get underneath/behind something and shove it. They aren't "normal" biological wings, but constructs, hence why the wings can handle stuff like that.
Fourth, wouldn't his wings always be on fire? Or is there some kind of toggle?
They would indeed always be on fire whenever he produces them.
Fifth, how do his wings "block" bullets? Are these wings solid objects or just constructs of literal fire? The fact the he says create lends them to be constructs of fire. Please clarify this.
They are solid, fiery constructs.
In general, I think simply on the heat alone, you're talking about an S rank character. Adding flight, smoke generation with flapping his wings, being able to lift things with said wings, stop bullets, and such adds up for one way too strong ability. I get what you're trying to do, but you need to realize that the more you generalize each aspect, the less each aspect is going to be. If you have fire, flight, lifting, smoke generation, heat immunity, it's all going to be weaker than if you focused on one. You did gimp flight appropriately, but fire, lifting and such are all still very strong.
I think the smoke generation part is misunderstood. It's not enough to choke a room out in seconds or make a smoke screen, just enough that having the wings out in unventilated areas is unwise as it'll gradually deplete the oxygen and replace it with CO2 and CO over a short while. Also, I don't see why it has to be weaker. The idea of a higher rank is that it's a stronger power.
Also, with regards to the proper powerset, if you're committed to doing the phoenix, I would maybe focus more on the "phoenix dies in a show of flames and combustion, although there are other sources that claim that the legendary bird dies and simply decomposes before being born again" aspect as to me that seems much more interesting, but maybe runs too close to Hadrian.
This wasn't to focus on the idea of a phoenix, that was just the most convenient name I could think of.
If you want to keep the powerset more or less as it is right now, I'd suggest this:
Primary power is SOLELY ability to create fire wings, clarify if solid objects or actual flames, nothing about switching between 400/4000 degrees. I can understand not having quite so high outside of an S-rank, but I don't see what's wrong with having a sliding scale,
Secondary power: Flight ->SOLEY on the ability to generate lift and take off into the air, ALSO need to address the problems of physiology. Just because you can fly doesn't mean you can properly get oxygen to the body, etc like a bird can. The wings don't have to be linked to his own physiology as they don't necessarily drawn on his own body entirely for energy.
Secondary power: Fire Immunity->SOLEY this so he doesn't burn himself.

I'm not sure if you can fit smoke generation while flying as that can be incredibly strong in and of itself, such as using smoke from flapping wings to blind enemies or provide cover. See above. Lifting should really just be removed all together, and stats bumped up in ENGR to compensate. Avian Shield is removed all together. If he's packing this much heat, he's going to be vulnerable to getting shot and such. I'd say not so, as yeah, if I wanted to min/max the character I'd make him a glass cannon or something. That's not the intention, there's nothing wrong with making a character more powerful if you have the CCP for it.This also gets rid of his ability to ramp up his heat which would need to be a third secondary power, I disagree. The ramping up is just a part of the main firey wing generation alongside the fact that they're solid. so you have to choose to cut something. Could swap flight for this.

Limitations should include something about his fuel source, how long he can maintain the wings, etc. He's already got the limitations needed, I don't see why he needs any more.

Click to expand...

Necessity4Fun said:

Remember I warned you to check the BBCode tags afterwards? This happened because one of the tags broke... I'm guessing (from what I can see), one of the tags in the Courage line. It should look like this:

(tr)(td)COUR(/td)(td)(COLOR=Colorhere)▌▌▌(/COLOR)▌▌▌▌▌▌(/td)(td)03(/td)(/tr)
Where () = []

Most likely, one of the td tags has broken and it's not closed properly. Please click the very last button on your editor to swap to BBCode Mode, and carefully check the tags on the COUR line to find and fix the broken tag. Everything should return to normal after you do that >w<

If you have further questions with this, feel free to screenshot me the code of the problematic line and I'll see what I can do OWO

Click to expand...

The J said:

I stuck my responses inside the quote for easier writing and reading of them. Thanks for taking the time for this by the way, having this much critique really helps.

Click to expand...

I wouldn't say that it should have to cost him anything. He already has the required number of limitations, and there's no requirement saying he needs to expend energy to use his power, or at least not expend so much.

Click to expand...

He's already got the limitations needed, I don't see why he needs any more.

Click to expand...

SweetNicole said:

No problem! I'm glad it was able to help. I do want to touch on a specific theme I saw in a couple of your replies.





Limitations don't work like "oh I got three so I don't need to add anymore." Particularly when you're dealing with stronger characters of the A and S rank, and in particular powers with many different aspects, you will be expected to add more than three limitations to your powers. Three is more like the benchmark of "Yes, this character might at least be somewhat reasonable with these limitations" but in many cases with stronger powers in the S and A rank three limitations is not enough. In particular, if you make an S rank character with a potent power, you can expect to be adding much more than three limitations. Hell, if you look at Syrenrei 's Luther she has 9 limitations for a D rank character because the power is so potent. Even if she bumped Luther up to say an A rank, she'd still need to keep more than three of those limitations to keep the power in line I think.

Summed up: If you have a stronger (often higher rank) character you should have more than three weaknesses to help counter-balance the strength of your ability. Three is the minimum requirement for any character to be even considered for acceptance; you will likely need more for your character.

Click to expand...

Syrenrei said:

Hmmmm, appears I wasn't getting notifications for this thread but I'll put in my 2 cents. As always, I'M NOT A MEMBER OF THE CHARACTER COMMITTEE, just a slightly salty older RPer that sometimes says things that might be helpful.

The J : For Enna, here are the things that stand out to me
I think, like Nicole, that maybe these fires do too much (although that could be just that I like powers to be very defined and not overbroad). Even before looking at the stat allotment, this screams "S rank" to me. Controlling any amount of fire, even if it is attached to your person, is an incredibly potent ability. Just by getting near something and manifesting them he could cause wanton destruction. I think of welian's comment that "If your super getting out of control merits calling the National Guard, they are S rank," or something akin to that.
Just right now I'm editing the power. The wings' Strength is out now, and yes, I'll be pumping up Energy.
I know they're wings, and just part of Enna, but think of what they can do. They allow him to fly. They can start fires that could devastate a city easily. They can melt anything in existence. I've changed that too.They can stop bullets. They can toss a car. Maybe a good limitation is their weaknesses. What aren't they capable of? Sure they tire him out over time, but that's not a huge limitation. They create smoke and that's to be expected. I like the idea of being clumsy and imbalanced in flight! Thanks!

Maybe instead of making them independently super strong (since his back couldn't tolerate utilizing them to toss a car) they could be lowered in strength and you could pump more points into energy? I'd be interested in sort of hearing how you plan to use these wings. Will he spend more time flying or on the ground? Probably on the ground, unless it's an open chase, in which case flying would be faster. Is the fire more of an offensive power or, to him, are they a severe drawback he'd hate to let anyone get too close to? He has to be very careful, unless he's going for the kill. He can use the wings to get to someone and to protect himself, even use the heat at a distance to throw someone off but not burn them. He'd do more actual combat with something like a baton, taser, or pepper spray. Keep in mind that many characters being anywhere in proximity to anything even that hot could get injured (although cartoons have people just chilling near lava unaffected). Burns could cause permanent damage to anyone not like Imogen. Hoo yeah.

What happens if it's cold outside? Is it harder to use?Nope. Can he use them in spite of water (i.e. if it rains or snows)?Yes. What are they actually constructed of when they manifest since fire can't be tangible?They're just an energetic construct, something like a solid hologram. Is it just a raw force of energy Well technically yes. (which would make the energy cost higher I'd expect Quite so!)?

Click to expand...

SweetNicole said:

Character Critique for Lioness075
Character: Scarlet Bree Calloway
Link: https://www.rpnation.com/threads/calloway-s.281813/

We've discussed this character in some Discord conversations, but I still like doing a permanently written feedback than Discord allows. It was actually quite hard to find anything truly negative to say about this character. Overall, the only thing I think this character could use is just a bit more elaboration in some sections to really take it to the highest level.

Starting off with the heroic stats, it always warms me heart to see someone making another more true hero character. The AEGISverse can never have enough heroes in my book. I love the detail you put into the appearance,. You went beyond the bare minimum to give me a better idea of what the character was like. However, I was slightly confused as to her nationality and spoken accent given her traveling and ethnicity. I don't think this something you need to clarify on the character sheet, but I'm curious if she speaks with some foreign accent.

In the General section, you noted she has a limiter but it is inactive. Perhaps you could add a little more detail here? What would they use for her limiter given her powers? A nanochip of some kind? Something else? You could certainly get a little creative here and come up with some fun ideas for how they'd limit a shapeshifter.

I'm getting a little ahead of myself, but also consider the effects a limiter would have if it was still turned on. Would it help to prevent or control her emotions from shifting into a predator and attacking people? If so, that could be possible motivation for her to at time switch it between and on and off state if that fits the character. After all, there's nothing that says once a character has the ability to turn their limiter inactive that they can't switch it back on and off at will themselves.

The character attributes are great, although I find myself wondering how someone with a talkative, spontaneous and adventurous personality ended up in the library, a place that to me, seems to run counter to her core self. I'm not sure if there's a way to highlight this within the character sheet, but I think this could be something interesting to play out in the character's time, a librarian who tries to keep others quiet in the area while struggling with that same thing herself. This could also be expanded on in the character's history.

The character history is an interesting exploration into Scarlet's past. Well-written and concise, but I did find myself wanting a bit more from the section. In particular, I'd love to see something more than just "Scarlet was mortified by what she had done" after killing someone. I imagine such an action would weigh incredibly heavy on her mind. She might struggle with feeling like she is out of control, a threat or a danger to her family and friends. This is an incredibly powerful event in a character's development arc, but I don't see it getting a whole lot of attention. Did she attend therapy? Support groups within AEGIS for those who have killed with their powers? Something else? I would love to see more how she had dealt with and combated this struggle in her history - if she has at all.

Another thing I'd like to see some minor clarification on is how Scarlet wound up in the role of Librarian. I understand she was facility, but she was also a student first it seems from the history. How did she end up as the librarian? Was there a previous one who left? I don't really think you need to add much, maybe mention something about how she was offered a full time position as facility upon graduation for some creative reason.

I really don't have a whole lot of feedback to give you on powers. I'm ignoring stats because they've been talked about to death, and I think they're pretty well hashed out by this point. Admittedly, when I first heard you were making a shapeshifter, I was worried that the power would have a hard time getting accepted given the often vague nature of such a power and the potential for it to easily become overpowered.

You have more than put my worries to rest with a well thought out power set and limitations. In fact, unless I'm mistaken Scarlet will set the new record for limitations in a character. Honestly, you probably could have removed or lessened the impact of quite a few of these and still had an acceptable character. I applaud you for being willing to limit your character beyond what would likely be required of you.

The only things I'd really suggest changing is a slight clarification on the time required to watch an animal before learning it when describing the main power and adding a list of known animals that she can shift into. The latter I would suggest doing in say a Google Sheet and pasting a link in the power section or making a separate tab in character sheet called "Known Animals" or something like that and writing a list directly in there.

While I'm not sure OCD is a "skill" I suppose it counts? I think something like that would be better suited in say the "Biography" section since it directly relates to her personality and such, but I'm honestly not sure how you would place it in there. The hunting skill is great (please don't turn into a bird and eat Julie), and the Librarian Sixth Sense is going to wind up with a lot of bruised heads from books flying into them. I'm already picturing at least several students a day winding up in the Nurse's Office for talking in the library!

Like I said at the beginning, this was a hard character to provide feedback for, simply because they already have a really great level of polish which shows the dedication of the writer to the character. Honestly, you could not change a thing and Scarlet would still be a great character, but in my mind making those small changes would really take her from say a feedback grade of A to A+. I can't wait to see Scarlet in the AEGISverse. Students in the library had best beware.

Click to expand...

Teh Frixz said:

Total funsies. Plus I couldn't sleep.

https://www.rpnation.com/threads/smith-m.320939/

Click to expand...

Teh Frixz said:

Total funsies. Plus I couldn't sleep.

https://www.rpnation.com/threads/smith-m.320939/

Click to expand...

Teh Frixz said:

Total funsies. Plus I couldn't sleep.

https://www.rpnation.com/threads/smith-m.320939/

Click to expand...

Teh Frixz said:

Yes The J and you are missing out!

Click to expand...

St Sin said:

she represents America but doesn't have the ability to summon an arsenal of guns at her whim
0/10 would not approve

Click to expand...

Gus said:

That's why she needs the second amendment, duh! What kind of 'murican are you anyway?

Click to expand...

The J said:

Could you repost them in a PM perhaps?

Click to expand...

AllHailDago said:

Yo yo yo friendos! @Luddeus said it was cool to ask for general feedback whilst I wait on detailed stuff from the CC! So I am happy to present and consider all feedback on Melody here!

Note: I felt the way the backstory section was laid out meant an abridge version was desired. If that's not the case I can severely expand that easily enough from the 5 I think paragraphs I have now. I was going to expand it post acceptance anyhow cx

Bonus Note: She has a d100 list of forms I'm only sharing with the CC. I want her forms to be surprises to other players! Perhaps you'd enjoy playing a fill in the blank game to try and see all the coinciding numbers! I know I'd find that fun!

Vance, M.

• Stats
• General
• Appearance
• Biography
• Relationships
• Superpowers
• Skills
• Gallery

• Heroism Meter
  Aspect	Scale	Total
  COUR	▌	01
  ALTR	▌▌▌▌	04
  ORDR	▌▌▌▌▌	05
  KIND	▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌	09
  PRCT	▌▌	02
  DIPL	▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌	09

  Ability Statistics
  Aspect	Scale	Total
  HLTH	▌▌▌	03
  STRN	▌▌	02
  DEFN	▌▌▌▌	04
  AGLT	▌▌	02
  INTL	▌▌	02
  WILL	▌▌	02
  ENRG	▌	01

  
  
• Full Name
  Melody Elanna Vance
  
  Nicknames
  Mel, M, E, V, Lana, etc. She's lived a lot of places and gained many nicknames good and bad.
  
  Codename
  N/A
  
  Gender
  Female
  
  Age
  15
  
  Rank
  C Rank
  
  Limiter
  Active, Level 1
  
  Role
  Student
• Race
  African-American
  
  Hair
  Dark brown
  
  Eyes
  Dark Green
  
  Height
  5' 5"
  
  Figure
  Somewhat underweight at 105 lbs.
  
  Notes
  Old burn and scar marks on her body and arms.
  
  A scar on her neck where a tattoo was literally cut away.
  
  A small tattoo of a heart with the radioactive symbol pattern on her right hip. Courtesy of her most recent gang affiliation.
  
  As the prior entries might imply, she rarely wears skin exposing clothes around others.
• Kind-Hearted
  Despite her past experiences and hown he herself has been treated to this point, she still actively trues to be kind to all others. Some may say she only does this to avoid confrontation or enemies, but others might notice it as the only time any real force of personality seems to exude from her.
  
  Adaptable
  As a byproduct of her life in foster care and numerous homes and schools, she has become very much an actively adapting sort. She tends to begin taking on required aspects to fit in as needed within a relatively short time of being somewhere.
  
  Soft-spoken
  Melody is not really one to express herself loudly and aggressively. Her tone is nearly always measured and peaceful. As if she were explaining a concept to an easily startled child.
  
  No Self Importance
  She has always needed to be what others want, and was hurt otherwise. So she hasn't really had a solid self identity in a long time. She doesn't consider herself important compared to others, hardly forming an opinion based on her own thoughts.
  
  History
  Born in Los Angeles originally, Melody was given up for adoption shortly after her birth. It was the first time of many she was given to the foster care system. She jumped around from home to home in rather rapid order. Given up when people were done using her physically or emotionally, or in certain cases when it was discovered she'd affiliated with a gang in the local area. She always did it for friends and safety, but it only ever seemed to backfire.Yet she continued to do it.
  
  One of her case workers thought transferring her away from her home city was the best idea. Yet, in Baltimore she still found a gang of sorts in her high school. One who picked up on her submission and eagerness to befriend rather easily. They thought they'd play a game to initiate the new girl. Either she'd succeed and they'd all profit, or fail and they get a fun story. They convinced her to pick her way into a rival gang members locker to steal and sabotage some of her things. She of course agreed.
  
  It did not go as planned. Oh, sneaking in the locker room during class wasn't dufficult, no. Nor was picking the lock to the locker. However when she was about to leave she found herself confronted by the rival gang member and several friends. They disagreed with her actions via fist on face violence. That didn't turn out to be enough for them. One pulled a knife out on her. She panicked, tried anything to escape.
  
  That was the first time her super gene decided it wanted to be relevant. Between the time the girl tried stabbing her and she began screaming, she changed. Suddenly there was no girl held and pinned by several others. No, there was a sixteen foot King Cobra. It was clearly dazed and confused, Melody stunned by her first use of her ability. But those girls might as well have been bitten for how loudly they screamed and how quickly they ran.
  
  A flurry of things happened following this. Melody was classified and registered as a super and given Rank as appropriate to the Commonwealth belief. Her caseworker pulled her from that school until she could figure out an alternative. And she was sent to Aegis, to learn how to control her ability. She hoped perhaps it would be here she might finally fit in.
• Jeremy Stone
  Her caseworker. A prim and proper man with high hopes for his case children. Melody likes him as the only person who's consistently cared without asking more of her than she gave.
• Shape Shifting
  Melody has the ability to change forms into a wide variety of plants, animals, and objects. From a bathtub full of steaming water to a literal phoenix, she has both inane and awesome forms!
  
  
  • Partial Shifting(Latent/Undiscovered): Melody can shift select portions of herself into other forms.
  • Size Shifting(Latent/Undiscovered): Melody can change the size of her forms to become larger or smaller as desired.
  
  Limitations
  
  • Form Choice: Perhaps a permanent limitation, perhaps one she'll get over with time and growth. Melody can't seem to choose which of her forms she transforms into. This can get rather awkward or unpleasant when she gets the opposite of her intended result.
    
  • Damage Transfer: Any wound gained while in her forms will transfer to a similar degree when she turns back. The reverse holds true as well. Ex remove a limb in human form, Dragon fly only has 3 wings. Stab a tree eye out one less eye in human form.
    
  • Time Constraints: Any form she stays in for an hour or more she is stuck in until 24 hours from the time she transformed. She has no clue why, but has made sure it only happened the first time.
  • Instinct Control: When she transforms and when she changes back, she has control issues over the forms natural instincts. After transforming back she retains some of those instincts for a time in human form.
  • Shift Time: Depending on the form she can take from thirty seconds to five minutes.
  • Human Base: She must return to human form to shift to another form.
  • Shift Delay: She must wait five minutes between shifting forms. This does not include becoming human again after changing.
• 
  Lockpicking: A skill she was taught by one of the varying gangs she joined "voluntarily" as a child. She has honed it for several years and can now pick pretty much any run of the mill lock, and a few types of more complex locks.
  
  Extended Plant and Animal Knowledge: They've always interested her, and she considered going into a profession involving either as an adult. Her recent powers enhanced this as she now has personal knowledge of being those things!
  
  Spray Paint Artist: Originally a talent she picked up illegally, she has found she really enjoys and excels at it when allowed to. Her preferred painting inspiration is nature/landscapes.
  
  Knife Wielding Proficiency: While in a gang she refused to use a gun, so instead she learned to and lengthier used a knife. It's not military like ability, but it's proficiency above a standard or basicly trained individual.
  
  Cooking: She has had to cook for herself at several of her foster family's or foster homes if she wanted to eat. She worked and read in order to make her food better, regardless of what she had on hand. If she could, why not eat AND enjoy it. That was her thought process. Preferred cooking: grilling.
  
  Singing: She has a rather beautiful singing voice, which she finds funny considering her name. While she loves singing she is very shy to show off this talent. Her singing for you is an extension of trust of an incredible order.
  
• 
  Theme songs(interpret them as you will!):
  
  
  
  

Click to expand...