Venom Adhamm
No one is ever going to want me
I have nothing fond to look back on, I have nothing exciting to look forward to. I can't stop crying as I write this. I hope someone will listen.
I am an Asian immigrant to America. That's all anyone sees when they look at me. Americans see an Asian, Asians see an American. I have no place to fit in. I am short, unattractive, disgusting, un-masculine, horrible, awful. Nobody has ever loved me or cared for me. Nobody has shown me tenderness. I have tried all that I could to make things better, but nothing has ever worked.
I am trapped by who I am and by what I cannot change. It's always been this way, ever since I was born with this yellow skin everyone seems to hate. I remember elementary school: every day at recess I would hide myself away in a yellow tunnel on a playground, looking out at everyone else having fun. Even now, over ten years later, when I'm just hours away from graduating high school, I still feel like I'm in that yellow tunnel. Trapped, with no way out. But back then, even though I was always sad, I was never like this. Never an utter mess. Never a creature whose every waking moment seems to be teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown.
Middle school was the first time I tried to break out of my shell. I was punished for it. It was the first time I tried to ask out a girl, and the first time I was rejected. It's just middle school, I thought. It doesn't matter, I have high school to look forward to. Surely, I will have a girlfriend in high school. Someone to love and someone who will love me.
Today, I have been rejected more times than I can count. With each passing year of high school, I became more and more desperate. And with each rejection, I felt weighed down more-and-more. For me, love is the only thing I want. Nothing else. By now, a lot of the things that used to make me happy no longer do so. I used to love to play video games, read, and write. Now it's just something to do. Something to occupy my mind so I don't think too hard about the fact that those are all hobbies I do alone. I've tried other things this year, so many other things. Joined the school musical, did volunteer charity work, fed the poor, tried to learn to draw, tried to learn a new language, made a video game. None of it makes me happy. Not even a bit. Every day, at the end of the day, I'm still alone.
I just want to be held, cradled, hugged, cuddled, kissed, and loved. I want someone to cherish me. I want someone to want me. I always thought that I'd have a chance in high school. I was so horribly wrong. Rejected day-in and day-out. Some girls just say "no," some girls make up an excuse, some girls just laugh in my face. I find myself spending more time lying in bed trying to make the world go away, trying to escape just for a moment. But I'm always pulled back into the reality, the horrible realization that I've never escaped that yellow tunnel. I've never been loved, and that's all I've ever wanted. I just want to be loved.
Today, I will graduate high school. I carry on my shoulders the heavy burden of loneliness. Any time I try to talk about how badly I need a girlfriend, how badly I need someone to love me, I'm always met with the same bumper-sticker philosophies: "You need to be happy with yourself," "Girlfriends in high school don't matter," "Just be confident." But I've tried to be happy with myself. It's just not something I can do. It's not something I have the capacity of performing. I have only ever wanted a girl to love me. That's all. Nothing else, because I know nothing else can make me feel fulfilled. I hate seeing attractive men. I hate seeing happy couples. I can't stand it because I know what I'm missing.
These days, I spend a lot of my time crying. I am not masculine. I am not strong. I'm weak. I can't bear the pain of existence, it's just too much for me, because it seems that nothing I ever do turns out right. I can't take it anymore. I need to be held. I need to be cradled. I need to be hugged. I need to be kissed. I need to be loved. I need to be cherished and wanted. I just want someone to give a fuck.
I just want the suffering to end.
I am an Asian immigrant to America. That's all anyone sees when they look at me. Americans see an Asian, Asians see an American. I have no place to fit in. I am short, unattractive, disgusting, un-masculine, horrible, awful. Nobody has ever loved me or cared for me. Nobody has shown me tenderness. I have tried all that I could to make things better, but nothing has ever worked.
I am trapped by who I am and by what I cannot change. It's always been this way, ever since I was born with this yellow skin everyone seems to hate. I remember elementary school: every day at recess I would hide myself away in a yellow tunnel on a playground, looking out at everyone else having fun. Even now, over ten years later, when I'm just hours away from graduating high school, I still feel like I'm in that yellow tunnel. Trapped, with no way out. But back then, even though I was always sad, I was never like this. Never an utter mess. Never a creature whose every waking moment seems to be teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown.
Middle school was the first time I tried to break out of my shell. I was punished for it. It was the first time I tried to ask out a girl, and the first time I was rejected. It's just middle school, I thought. It doesn't matter, I have high school to look forward to. Surely, I will have a girlfriend in high school. Someone to love and someone who will love me.
Today, I have been rejected more times than I can count. With each passing year of high school, I became more and more desperate. And with each rejection, I felt weighed down more-and-more. For me, love is the only thing I want. Nothing else. By now, a lot of the things that used to make me happy no longer do so. I used to love to play video games, read, and write. Now it's just something to do. Something to occupy my mind so I don't think too hard about the fact that those are all hobbies I do alone. I've tried other things this year, so many other things. Joined the school musical, did volunteer charity work, fed the poor, tried to learn to draw, tried to learn a new language, made a video game. None of it makes me happy. Not even a bit. Every day, at the end of the day, I'm still alone.
I just want to be held, cradled, hugged, cuddled, kissed, and loved. I want someone to cherish me. I want someone to want me. I always thought that I'd have a chance in high school. I was so horribly wrong. Rejected day-in and day-out. Some girls just say "no," some girls make up an excuse, some girls just laugh in my face. I find myself spending more time lying in bed trying to make the world go away, trying to escape just for a moment. But I'm always pulled back into the reality, the horrible realization that I've never escaped that yellow tunnel. I've never been loved, and that's all I've ever wanted. I just want to be loved.
Today, I will graduate high school. I carry on my shoulders the heavy burden of loneliness. Any time I try to talk about how badly I need a girlfriend, how badly I need someone to love me, I'm always met with the same bumper-sticker philosophies: "You need to be happy with yourself," "Girlfriends in high school don't matter," "Just be confident." But I've tried to be happy with myself. It's just not something I can do. It's not something I have the capacity of performing. I have only ever wanted a girl to love me. That's all. Nothing else, because I know nothing else can make me feel fulfilled. I hate seeing attractive men. I hate seeing happy couples. I can't stand it because I know what I'm missing.
These days, I spend a lot of my time crying. I am not masculine. I am not strong. I'm weak. I can't bear the pain of existence, it's just too much for me, because it seems that nothing I ever do turns out right. I can't take it anymore. I need to be held. I need to be cradled. I need to be hugged. I need to be kissed. I need to be loved. I need to be cherished and wanted. I just want someone to give a fuck.
I just want the suffering to end.