Journal Today I will graduate high school, alone and depressed.

[Venom Adhamm]

I have nothing fond to look back on, I have nothing exciting to look forward to. I can't stop crying as I write this. I hope someone will listen.

I am an Asian immigrant to America. That's all anyone sees when they look at me. Americans see an Asian, Asians see an American. I have no place to fit in. I am short, unattractive, disgusting, un-masculine, horrible, awful. Nobody has ever loved me or cared for me. Nobody has shown me tenderness. I have tried all that I could to make things better, but nothing has ever worked.

I am trapped by who I am and by what I cannot change. It's always been this way, ever since I was born with this yellow skin everyone seems to hate. I remember elementary school: every day at recess I would hide myself away in a yellow tunnel on a playground, looking out at everyone else having fun. Even now, over ten years later, when I'm just hours away from graduating high school, I still feel like I'm in that yellow tunnel. Trapped, with no way out. But back then, even though I was always sad, I was never like this. Never an utter mess. Never a creature whose every waking moment seems to be teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown.

Middle school was the first time I tried to break out of my shell. I was punished for it. It was the first time I tried to ask out a girl, and the first time I was rejected. It's just middle school, I thought. It doesn't matter, I have high school to look forward to. Surely, I will have a girlfriend in high school. Someone to love and someone who will love me.

Today, I have been rejected more times than I can count. With each passing year of high school, I became more and more desperate. And with each rejection, I felt weighed down more-and-more. For me, love is the only thing I want. Nothing else. By now, a lot of the things that used to make me happy no longer do so. I used to love to play video games, read, and write. Now it's just something to do. Something to occupy my mind so I don't think too hard about the fact that those are all hobbies I do alone. I've tried other things this year, so many other things. Joined the school musical, did volunteer charity work, fed the poor, tried to learn to draw, tried to learn a new language, made a video game. None of it makes me happy. Not even a bit. Every day, at the end of the day, I'm still alone.

I just want to be held, cradled, hugged, cuddled, kissed, and loved. I want someone to cherish me. I want someone to want me. I always thought that I'd have a chance in high school. I was so horribly wrong. Rejected day-in and day-out. Some girls just say "no," some girls make up an excuse, some girls just laugh in my face. I find myself spending more time lying in bed trying to make the world go away, trying to escape just for a moment. But I'm always pulled back into the reality, the horrible realization that I've never escaped that yellow tunnel. I've never been loved, and that's all I've ever wanted. I just want to be loved.

Today, I will graduate high school. I carry on my shoulders the heavy burden of loneliness. Any time I try to talk about how badly I need a girlfriend, how badly I need someone to love me, I'm always met with the same bumper-sticker philosophies: "You need to be happy with yourself," "Girlfriends in high school don't matter," "Just be confident." But I've tried to be happy with myself. It's just not something I can do. It's not something I have the capacity of performing. I have only ever wanted a girl to love me. That's all. Nothing else, because I know nothing else can make me feel fulfilled. I hate seeing attractive men. I hate seeing happy couples. I can't stand it because I know what I'm missing.

These days, I spend a lot of my time crying. I am not masculine. I am not strong. I'm weak. I can't bear the pain of existence, it's just too much for me, because it seems that nothing I ever do turns out right. I can't take it anymore. I need to be held. I need to be cradled. I need to be hugged. I need to be kissed. I need to be loved. I need to be cherished and wanted. I just want someone to give a fuck.

I just want the suffering to end.

 

[Hall Kervean]

Twins in lack-of-girlfriend-hood!
You've certainly had your accomplishments, though.
And you do realize that the "plenty more feeshi in the sea" philosophy is really right, right?
Doctor Seuss failed to get his first book published 27 times. (or so, I forget)
There's over a billion single women in the world (probably. Even if there aren't, there's at least a million and that's still alot).
If you've asked everyone out at your high school, assuming it's the standard 500 people and half are women, you've lost 250 women out of 1 billion.
That's like getting a 99.9999750 on a test.
Not bad.

 

[salvia palth]

I've been there. That numbing feeling like you don't matter. Nausea when you think about actually being happy.
The world never stops moving, people never stop, it never stops. I hate it.
But, you know, having a partner isn't always sunshine and roses. Sometimes they can make you feel even worse than before, which is the opposite of the point. My boyfriend cares about me, sure, and I care for him, but there will never be a person who fully understands me. Who knows my exact wants and needs, and I think I've accepted that.
Life is a process and a constant fight. You're not weak for crying. It isn't a bad thing. Life is hard, and crying helps.
Especially when you just can't hold back anymore.

 

[Hall Kervean]

It's small, but that's a picture of Master Chief being depressed.
From a cutscene in Halo 4.
So don't worry, even the toughest of us have weak moments.

 

[Foxy]

Hello friendo!
I promise it gets better.
I graduated almost 2 years ago and let me tell you, I wasn't happy then. Not for the same reasons as you, but I felt very similar.
Let me let you in on a little secret: High school girls and young girls are immature. Many can't see past what you are to who you are. And let me tell you it's not important. I used to be depressed, I barely graduated, my depression drove me to be an angry, lonely bitter person. I cried myself to sleep more and more the farther I got through high school. It was stressful.
But friend, graduation is not the end it is simply the beginning. You are young! The best thing to do is to let yourself explore the best parts of life. I find often the most important people I meet are by accident, not force.
I cannot stress enough how high school's end is your beginning. In the outside world people aren't as judgemental. I have struggled like you, I am still less than confident about myself. But I've found through these years I learn.
Whoever rejected you before is unimportant. So many people find what they want and need after high school. You're graduating! Congrats! You ultimately cannot force those who refuse to see past what their eyes show them to like you. It's a fact. And you know what? Those people don't deserve you. You sound like a wonderful person and you're just stuck in a bad spot. I cannot make you happy but I can tell you all these things. Life isn't always a high, it can be filled with lows and sadness and anger.
The best love I have ever received is from friends. I don't have many of those, and even fewer after high school but when it counts they show up. Perhaps you don't have those friends, but friendo, I do not know you and I'd be happy to talk to you.
I know the feeling of distracting myself, but a word of advice, don't let a greedy soul take up the empty space in your heart. No matter how much the loneliness hurts (and trust me, I lived with depression for years, I know the feeling and have done exactly what I tell you not to do now) someone who takes advantage will make it better then tear you apart worse.
The end of the world has not yet come. You're beginning a new life. As others have mentioned there's many fantastic people out there who will love to fill your void and keep you happy. I know the heartbreak of rejection, but if you ever want what you so desire, all the heartache and hurt you have and will go through will be worth it. What you seek will not walk into your arms, I learned that, I sat home alone wishing a friend or someone closer would fill the sadness I held in my heart, but it took me venturing out of my shell -- A thing I'd never done in high school -- to find my niche and my happiness. I'm not perfect, but I'm better. These days I rarely cry myself to sleep.
I can't make things better in a snap, and who knows if any of this helps you at all, but I want you to know I'm sure you're a fantastic person, and that someday you will have what you want, even if it takes two years like it has taken me.
If you'd like to talk anytime about anything, I'd love to. Just send me a message.

I'm sorry for the essay.


Tl;dr: Life gets better, HS girls are immature and whatnot.

 

[TheRockInception]

You know, for whatever reason whenever I keep seeing people making depression related posts, they don't have any hobbies.
Go get a hobby. Something. Pick up fishing, it teaches patience. Read, you will learn perspectives different than yours. Write, create new worlds to enthrall yourself in. Listen to music, something, anything. Take up religion. Christianity, Islam, Judaism, even if you don't believe a single word in their respective books, read them anyway to learn. Break the chain.
Finally, listen to this song and band. Talk to a social worker or someone.


Side note, I've been binging Pink Floyd's The Wall and Dark Side of the Moon. Both are excellent, and I particularly think you should listen to The Wall. It deals with isolationism and loneliness, as the former singer of Pink Floyd's mental health was heavily declining.

Welcome to America. If you are short, unattractive, disgusting, un-masculine, horrible, awful, I welcome you and challenge you to be the best you can be.

 

[Venom Adhamm]

You know, for whatever reason whenever I keep seeing people making depression related posts, they don't have any hobbies.

I wrote in this post about all the new hobbies and activities I've tried and how none of them make me happy.

I have an aversion towards killing animals (though I suppose I could just catch and let go), I do read but not very often because I always feel very lonely when I do so since all I can think of is having someone hold me close and read to me, I do write (this is a role-playing site, after all), I do listen to music but it never makes me feel better, and I consider myself to be fairly literate already on the Abrahamic religions (being that I've taken extensive classes on them and my mother's side of the family is Muslim).

I will listen to the albums you've recommended some time in the future.