Other She met someone better than me. She looks at him the way I look at her. I tried so hard. I thought this time might be different.

[Venom Adhamm]

I just have to vent. I just needed to share this somewhere. I hope that's okay.

It's always the same boulder that I have to roll up the same mountain. It always ends like this, so I don't know why I'm surprised.

I met her a couple months back when we joined Kendo at the same time. I was attracted to her from when I first saw her. Slowly, we started to talk and get to know each other. Eventually, I got a first date with her. We went for dinner, then went to an arcade together. I thought it went okay. It probably wasn't the best date she ever had, and I was kinda awkward sometimes, but it was okay. We kept talking and all that, and I still loved being with her.

There was a second date. It's the only time I've ever gotten a second date in my life. We'd just finished our morning Kendo class, went home to get changed, then went to see a movie together. After that, I brought her to visit the bazaar for awhile, then we went to this video game cafe, and finally got dinner. We were together for the whole day, from 9am to 1130pm, and it was the absolute best day of my life. If I had died that night and the Devil asked me if it was a life well-lived, I'd have to actually pause and think about it. That day could've made up for all the pain in this life. Getting to spend the whole day with such an amazing girl... I'd trade everything just to live that day again, and again, and again.

But life went on. A new guy joined our Kendo class recently, and she's been talking to him so much. Today I had dinner with all of them, and... It hurt. It hurt so much. To see her purposefully walk beside him, stand beside him. She's usually very introverted, but she talked to him so much. The worst part was the way she smiled at him and looked at him. There's always someone better than me. She's never smiled at me like that before, never looked at me like that before. There's always someone better than me.

I'm always rolling the same boulder up the same mountain, and I always get crushed just the same. It always ends like this. Someone better. Either that someone comes along, or she knows that someone will come along. I'm never good enough. But I thought now might be different. I really, really believed that maybe this time, I'd get to love someone and be loved back. Maybe this time, I'd have my chance at happiness. Maybe this time, I'd finally be what someone wants.

I can't keep going. I can't do it. If it's always gonna be like this, why bother? I've been begging for someone all my life. And no matter how close I think I get, I'm farther away than I've ever been. I drink a lot these days to try to make everything numb for awhile. I was sober all my life, not even a drop of alcohol. But I can't go without it now. At least once in awhile. I have to take the edge off.

It's so hard. I don't know what to do. I just want to die. If no one wants me, then I don't want me either.

 

[Kai-Bird]

As a woman, let me explain something to you really quick.

The biggest issue here is that you're seeing yourself as a no one unless you have a girlfriend.

I would never date someone who isn't comfortable being single, getting rejected, or being let down badly. Why? Because it shows that you can't handle really bad situations. What happens if I get sick? What if I relapse? What if I have a family emergency? Any of these situations, i wouldn't be able to depend on him to take care of things while I'm got or getting better. You're going to face a lot of rejection. Women, jobs, college applications, hell, even community theatre. Taking rejection badly shows he can't deal with me saying no, which is terrifying for women. At least me, but I have a history, so that's my fault.

You're going to have to learn how to love being single. You can't be loved if you can't love yourself is a shitty thing to say, and it's wrong, but there is a faint grain of truth. Look, I've dated guys and girls both who didn't think they were good enough by themselves. And it made me feel... unloved. Used! And after a few months, I was getting really hurt because I kept having to feed their deflating sense of self-worth instead of working on my own.

You shouldn't have to be with someone to be happy. Two people, who are happy on their own, should come together and feed each others' happiness.

I write kids books, but I also work in an office with a few very accomplished psychiatrists. We see a lot of people (Mostly men) who feel this way. When I'm in the office with them, the advice that always seems to just fly over their heads is the best kind.

Stop depending on a woman to feel whole. I know I know, easier said than done, but until you can learn how to make yourself happy on your own, there is a slim chance you can ever be in a healthy relationship. Dependency is like sugar on a cavity. ​

 

[Eye of Nowhere]

To an extent, I must agree with Kai-Bird . You cannot depend on others to bring you happiness. Happiness is within you, only bound to you and affected by you. I disagree that the saying about loving yourself is false. It is basically true, but not to an absolute extent. Very few things are that black and white in life. There are indeed people who are too used to being single to start a relationship.

Also, what makes you think the other guy's better than you? Because a girl is more attracted to him? Nothing to do with you, really. Nor should you worry about it too much. However, if you have feelings of inadequacy, let me ask you this: Have you tried improving yourself? Not for others, mind you. But are you really who you'd want to be? I asked myself this question a long time ago and the answer was "not by a longshot". I didn't have the job I wanted, nor the life I wanted. So I changed myself. I learned more skills. I trained myself to be fitter. I did so with the singular intent of persuing my goals in life. At the time, I didn't have a partner, either. Nor did I have a lot of dating experience in the past, either. I had similar stories to yours. Always the buddy, not the boyfriend. Or it was the wrong time, whatever. Life happens. I stopped paying attention for a while.

Because of my focus on improvement, things started going rather well career-wise, but more importantly, my reaction to certain things changed. I used to be bad with rejections, but a bunch of work related rejections in my quest for better jobs changed that. I used to feel other people were better at socializing than me, having to deal with tons of interviews, HR talks and meetings made me a lot more assertive and adept at reading people's communications. Both verbal and non-verbal. These things, amongst other changes, translated to my social life. Relationships started. They also ended. I wasn't bad with rejection anymore. Sometimes, they don't work out. People change over time.

Long story short. Sitting there and having a bad time by yourself accomplishes nothing. Change your own life top be what you want it to be. Persue your kendo. Learn new things. Get a good job. Become the man you wish you could be. The rest will follow suit. That's just how life rolls. Especially if you become one impressive motherf*****.

 

[Daisie]

I couldn't have said it all better, myself. The truth is just that self-loathing and a lack of confidence isn't something that's attractive to most people... And if it IS attractive to them, 9 times out of 10, it's not a good thing. A healthy relationship is two people who don't actually depend on each other. They don't need each other to survive, they WANT each other to stick around because they can mutually benefit from the relationship and make each OTHER happy. The key word here is "MUTUALLY". They can improve each other.

Depending on any one person to hold up your entire house of cards is not only abusive to the person, but it's detrimental to yourself, too. You can't lean on someone that heavily for the long term. Because when a) they get tired of carrying you, or b) something outside your control happens to them... Well, you're left tumbling to the ground because you don't have your own means of supporting yourself. Not to mention the fact that the other person now feels absolutely awful for "letting you fall" even though you're supposed to be the one holding yourself up in the first place.

I'd say take a step back from relationships as a whole. You have to be able to stand on your own. You can't expect to leave your own personal flowerbed a mess and have everyone rushing to you. You HAVE to take care of your own garden first and foremost. You have to water your flowers every day and be the best version of yourself. THEN people will come over and check you out safely.

Confidence isn't always easy to come by, but it's important to build it up. For both your own sake and the sake of the person you're going to be with in the future.

If things are gonna budge, YOU'VE gotta make the choice.

 

[PhoenixMire]

Unfortunately I'm late to this - but I hope you're okay. Rejection sucks, and feeling alone sucks. I understand that feeling (though probably not in the same way you do).

But I fully agree with what Kai-Bird said. If your whole goal in life is to not be single anymore, and you feel heavily dependent on someone else for your own happiness, that's going to chase people away... and it's going to make your life a hundred times worse, as I'm sure you already know.

I was friends with someone who told me that he loved me, he so badly wanted to be with me, he couldn't be happy without me, and that he couldn't stand the thought of me with any other man. I always felt so guilt tripped into visiting with this person; I felt like I had to talk to him all the time because otherwise he'd be too lonely and depressed, and I spent long hours just chatting with him, even when I didn't want to.
He was needy. And it made me feel pity for him, and it made me feel guilted into talking to him all the time, and it made me feel as though I had a responsibility to keep him happy. It made me utterly miserable.
Don't be needy. Please. Not only did it make his life worse, but it made mine worse as well.

Do things you enjoy. Love your hobbies - and if you don't love them, find new ones that you do love. Learn something new. Find ways to improve yourself, even if you have to start small. Learn to value friendships and have fun with friends. Try to make new friends by finding others who have things in common with you. Hang out! Enjoy life! Don't define yourself by whether or not you're in a relationship.
It can be really hard to change your mindset. If you really need to, seek help and therapy. There's no shame in talking to a therapist, especially if they can help you deal with your struggles and become a better, happier person.

 

[Jitterbug]

Kai-Bird, Eye of Nowhere, Daisie, and PotatoePheonix are right. Copy/Paste those here.

But dude, we've got like, ninety years to live and then we're gone for good. Ain't no one got time to be in a relationship that sucks their soul out.

Like Kai-Bird said, what happens if she gets sick? I'm very sick. I haven't left the facility in months. I would not be able to handle someone who requires me to be at their emotional beck and call - it would quite literally be the death of me while I'm trying to focus on beating what I've got and recovering enough to continue life.

Honestly, you gotta step back from relationships, man. That's not what life should be about. Find your hobbies, go to school, start a career, fuel your own happiness instead of sucking it out of other people as if they're... happiness batteries. Once you're happy on your own, it'll be so much easier to love and be loved.

So TLR: Be happy by yourself. If you can't do that, don't suck other people into your unhappiness. It's abusive to them, a negative impact for you, and all over a bad idea. ​