Humor RpNation's Joke Thread

[kibou]

Hello all.


This is RPN's new official joke thread!


It's a place to share all kinds of humor from puns to knock-knock jokes.


Hear or see something funny? Share it here! Come up with one yourself? Even better!


Each month I'll pick a joke or two from this thread and it'll be showcased in a new "Joke of the Month" section in the Monthly Newsletter. That is, I would, but the newsletter is no more. ( o _ o


The only rule is that posted jokes must follow all of RPN's rules. They cannot be "dirty" jokes, or be offensive or derogatory to any group of people.


Happy jesting!

 

[Cancercancercancer]

The only rule is that posted jokes must follow all of RPN's rules. They cannot be "dirty" jokes, or be offensive or derogatory to any group of people.

... I may not participate

 

[Elffri3nd]

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘ No change yet.’

 

[The Rogue Bro]

This thread.


Please don't shoot me

 

[Cancercancercancer]

nevermind, i have a good one. What's green and has wheels?


I lied about the wheels, its grass! HAHhaHAhahAHhahAH ha.. i need friends

 

[kibou]

oh god why

 

[CloudyBlueDay]

THE ULTIMATE MONK JOKE

A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He calls the auto-shop, and they tell him that they can only get to him to fix his car the next day. It's turning night, and the man needs a place to sleep. There is a monk monastery right across the road, so he enters and ask if they will allow him to stay for the night. They welcome him in, give him a meal, give him a room and bid him good night.


He wakes up in the middle of the night to a strange noise. It sounds something like.. 'tisk.. tisk..' Tapping something? Knocking on something? An animal? He couldn't tell. He tried to go back to sleep, but the noise kept on going, and going, and going. And it would not stop. So finally, the man got up to search. He searched and searched and searched and he could not find anything at all. So he finally gave up and went back to sleep.


The next morning, the man asks all of the monks what that noise was. They shake their heads at him, explaining that they can't tell him, it's a monk secret. The car company comes, fixes his car, and the man leaves the monastery, but the question still lingers in his mind.


25 years have passed. The man is driving by the exact same spot, and by chance, his car breaks down, right there. He laughs to himself as he once again asks if he can stay the night at the monastery, and of course the monks welcome him in.


At night, the same noise wakes him up again. This time, he refuses to leave this place until he finds whatever is causing that dastardly noise. He searches, and searches, and searches, and after many hours he finds a door, from which he is absolutely positive the sound is coming from just behind it. Sadly, it is locked. So he begs, he pleads to the monks, 'Please, let me see! It's driving me crazy!' But sadly, once again, they tell him it is a monk secret.


So he says, 'Screw it, I'm going to become a monk.'


Many years later, the man has finally become a monk. The time has finally come, to see what is making that noise. They open the door. And behind this door, is another door.


And another door. And another door. And another door. They keep on opening doors, and the man is just about ready to pull his hair out.. when they open the final door.


And he says 'Wow.. I cannot believe it was that the entire time.'

Spoiler

Oh, I can't tell you. It's a monk secret.

 

[simj26]

The greatest joke is standing right here amongst you right now.


It is me.

 

[Purr]

(Image credit: housecleaningbest.blogspot.com)


I figured I would go for some "clean" humor. =)


Honor and fun,


Dann =)

 

[MISTER UN. 0W3N]

Helen Keller walked into a bar. Then a table. Then a wall.

 

[Purr]

Here is another. =)

(Image credit: image.frompo.com)


I know I would certainly feel awkward looking up at that... =)


Honor and fun,


Dann =)


 
And for all you Star Wars fans... =)

(Image credit: davidjrodger.wordpress.com)


Honor and fun,


Dann =)


 
And one last one, again for Star Wars fans... =)

(Image credit: www.failepicfail.com)


Honor and fun,


Dann =)


 
And since this thread is apparently for Mordecai... =)

(Image credit: www.meh.ro)


Honor and fun,


Dann =)

 

[DerUbermensch]

How a cynical dairy farmer would explain a few current events:


Iran - You have two cows. You interrogate them until they concede they are Zionist agents. You send their milk to southern Lebanon and Gaza, or render it into highly enriched cream. International sanctions prevent your milk from being bought on the open market. You try to convince others to allow you to make and use said cream for "peaceful" purposes.


Greece - You have two cows. You tell everyone you have 20 cows. When people show up for milk, the cows burn down the barn, because they don't like getting milked.


USA - You have two cows. After celebrating their birthdays, they win a competition against other cows. Meanwhile, farmers are in competition on who gets to buy and own the two cows for the next year or two.

 

[Purr]

I cannot help but post this one - it is just too cute. =)

(Image credit: joyreactor.com)


Honor and fun,


Dann

 

[DiamondJack]

Why is six afraid of seven?


Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.


Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.

 

[Sen Pai]

Jennifer's hat was lost in the ocean when a strong breeze blew it away. What did she say? AW GUST!!

 

[DerUbermensch]

Q. How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?


A1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our


whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid


burned out bulb?


A2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not


up to code.


A3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!


A4. Rottweiler: Make me.


A5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


A6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can


I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!


A7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from


the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one


more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of


the situation.


A8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the


walls and furniture.


A9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light


bulb?


A10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the


dark.


A11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.


A12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...


A13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


A14. New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a


little cluster...


A15. Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do


it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


Source: http://www.eyrie.org/~thad/strange/lightbulbs.html


Making another one on the spot:


How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?


Depends. They'll have to look at all the light bulb's data and usage first.

 

[Dagfinn]

A frustrated cannibal throws up his hands.

 

[simj26]

Context: two psychopaths are discussing a conversation between two characters in a game where Joker (one of the characters) calls her 'a bitch' up front. She dies by being set on fire later.

 

[Dagfinn]

What is a pirate's favorite letter?


Tis' the c.

 

[simj26]

"Sir, the victim's been impaled with what seems to be the frozen corpse of a chicken."


"I sense some...fowl play at work."




"Sir, the victim was said to be on a journey across the globe when she was murdered."


"Looks like the criminal expected us to write it off as a case of...Miss Adventure."




"Sir, the pregnant victim was run over by a train."


"I would say that someone had a mis-carriage."




"Sir, the culprit tripped as he was running and scraped his knee on the pavement."


"Seems like a classic case of fell-on-knee, Hopkins."

 

[Dagfinn]

A boiled egg in the morning is really hard to beat.

 

[TerraBooma]

Alright, long joke incoming.


So this is the story about a cheerio named Ted. Ted works at a pretty boring company, but it's a nice place. Every Christmas, they throw a party, and all the higher up Cheerios (Who are frosted.) get along with their lesser co-workers.


It's at this meeting that Ted meets an attractive frosted cheerio girl named Cindy. Cindy has it all, Looks. Smarts. Everything a cheerio could want in a wife. He asks her if he can get her some milk, she says yes, and he spends about 2 hours in the line for the milk. When he finally gets the milk and gets back to her, he's finally worked up the courage to ask her out. Unfortunately, Cindy responds with this: "I only date frosted cheerios."


So this rejection...it breaks him for a bit, he gets really sad, but ends up just throwing himself into his work. He's pumping out paper after paper, and his bosses are really. REALLY impressed. They take him aside, and ask what he wants. He thinks for some time before remembering Cindy. "Hey, could you pay to have me frosted?" The boss looks at the budget, and shakes his head. "Unfortunately, we can only pay to have you half frosted, it's juts not in the budget." But that was fine to Ted, maybe Cindy could accept a half frosted cheerio?


So quickly enough, the company Christmas party rolls around, and Cindy's here this time too. He offers to get her some water, and after waiting in line for 4 hours, finally manages to bring her a glass of water. Again, he's gathed up the courage to ask her out, but again she replies: "I only date frosted cheerios."


Rejected again, ted just throws himself into his work. He does even better then before, once again attracting the attention of his bosses. They ask what he wants, and when he says to be fully frosted, they say sure! It's in the budget this year, so they're happy to finish the frost-job.


So once again, the company christmas party rolls around again. Cindy is there, he's fully frosted. He just has to work up the courage again. He's gotten her water...gotten her milk...what else could he do? He didn't want to be stale. Oh! That's it! Punch! Punch is classy, should set up a good vibe of his classy, more Frosted lifestyle. He'd waited for many hours in the other lines, he would wait as long as it took to get some punch.


But his hope quickly turned to dread as he looked around the hall. There was the milk line, the water line, but he'd been to those! There was one problem, and it broke Ted's heart in two.


There was no punch line.

 

[ultraviolence]

If I put on a cowboy costume, does that mean I'm ranch dressing?


 
What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.


I could do this all day.

 

[Dagfinn]

[QUOTE="Outer Space]If I put on a cowboy costume, does that mean I'm ranch dressing?
 
What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.


I could do this all day.

[/QUOTE]
I can out pun you!


What is the leading cause of divorce in long-term marriages?


A stalemate.

 

[TerraBooma]

A THIRD CHALLENGER ENTERS THE RING!


What did the baker say to the man who entered his shop?


He had an a-bun-dance of bread!