SpeedHunters73
"I Also...Have Something I Wish to Protect."
Hi.
A good majority of you guys don't know who I am. And to those that do, I'm sorry you had to put up with my existence, good or bad. And sorry if this is a stupid thing to vent about.
For the longest time, following me was a long string of oscillating depression, swinging back and forth in my life over and over again, taking control and pulling on my strings repeatedly. I've made bad decisions, horrible decisions, some that had teetered me over the edge multiple times, tempting me to take the edge off a few times. But in spite of it all, I grit my teeth, and made it to the end. Where I am right now. I needed help, but over the years, I, in a way, lost my voice. Forgot how to be social, how to talk. So I decided to look elsewhere to take the edge off, in a more helpful sort of way and less self damaging. There, admist everything, I joined a fandom, one that at the time was generally new when I hopped in. There, I found things that helped me, looked up to people that have been through the same, some even worse. I admired them, inspired to be them, hoped that one day, I could probably be like them, talk like them, have confidence and motivation regardless of the scenario. I loved those 5, 2 in particular. I'm not exaggerating when I say those 2 were the heroes of my story, pulling me up from the dumps, cutting off the noose around me, swatting the blade in my hands from making a crimson artwork. They saved me, got me hooked, yearning for more whenever I felt like I couldn't go on any longer. Then...in 2021, they grew distant. Said that 'being together all the time would hurt them in the long run', that they wanted to go their separate ways for a while to get better. And I accepted that. I respected that decision. But I kept the memories of those good ol' days in a time capsule for me to cherish for as long as I pleased. More members joined them. And I supported them. But then in 2023, I felt a massive disconnect, between me and this fandom. Everyone seemed to love the direction it was going. Me? I hated it. I didn't like it one bit, and ever since that revelation, I decided to pull back, let me simmer in my thoughts, let me think over what to do. I'll admit, I was indecisive over this entire period, constantly saying I would leave then reminding myself of the reason why I was even alive in the first place. It didn't help that those 2 members came together again to pluck at my heartstrings with an unforgettable duet, of a bond that'll live forever even when they were apart, distant.
What a fool I was to believe that. It isn't until today that I opened my eyes to the truth, saw something I shouldn't have... something that told me the thing that I've supported, leaned on as a crutch to keep on going was all a massive lie. Since the very beginning, I had tried and tried to prepare myself for the small chance that maybe these personas they had were completely fake and fabricated, that the life they had behind the camera was something else entirely, something different...I was willing to push this pairing as a crutch for myself knowing that both were single, just friends that liked to mess around a little. But then it came out that one of them had someone else already. The news should have made me happy... but... Now that crutch was gone. And now...the last thing keeping me in the fandom had also faded away into the Grey. I shouldn't have supported. I shouldn't have invested my life force into it...I shouldn't have relied on it...I should have found something else...and now I never know who I was before I took started to fade away into the Grey.
Maybe I'll bounce back. Maybe I'll pull myself out. All I know is that I'm hurting. Real bad. And I don't know if I'll ever come back from it.
A good majority of you guys don't know who I am. And to those that do, I'm sorry you had to put up with my existence, good or bad. And sorry if this is a stupid thing to vent about.
For the longest time, following me was a long string of oscillating depression, swinging back and forth in my life over and over again, taking control and pulling on my strings repeatedly. I've made bad decisions, horrible decisions, some that had teetered me over the edge multiple times, tempting me to take the edge off a few times. But in spite of it all, I grit my teeth, and made it to the end. Where I am right now. I needed help, but over the years, I, in a way, lost my voice. Forgot how to be social, how to talk. So I decided to look elsewhere to take the edge off, in a more helpful sort of way and less self damaging. There, admist everything, I joined a fandom, one that at the time was generally new when I hopped in. There, I found things that helped me, looked up to people that have been through the same, some even worse. I admired them, inspired to be them, hoped that one day, I could probably be like them, talk like them, have confidence and motivation regardless of the scenario. I loved those 5, 2 in particular. I'm not exaggerating when I say those 2 were the heroes of my story, pulling me up from the dumps, cutting off the noose around me, swatting the blade in my hands from making a crimson artwork. They saved me, got me hooked, yearning for more whenever I felt like I couldn't go on any longer. Then...in 2021, they grew distant. Said that 'being together all the time would hurt them in the long run', that they wanted to go their separate ways for a while to get better. And I accepted that. I respected that decision. But I kept the memories of those good ol' days in a time capsule for me to cherish for as long as I pleased. More members joined them. And I supported them. But then in 2023, I felt a massive disconnect, between me and this fandom. Everyone seemed to love the direction it was going. Me? I hated it. I didn't like it one bit, and ever since that revelation, I decided to pull back, let me simmer in my thoughts, let me think over what to do. I'll admit, I was indecisive over this entire period, constantly saying I would leave then reminding myself of the reason why I was even alive in the first place. It didn't help that those 2 members came together again to pluck at my heartstrings with an unforgettable duet, of a bond that'll live forever even when they were apart, distant.
What a fool I was to believe that. It isn't until today that I opened my eyes to the truth, saw something I shouldn't have... something that told me the thing that I've supported, leaned on as a crutch to keep on going was all a massive lie. Since the very beginning, I had tried and tried to prepare myself for the small chance that maybe these personas they had were completely fake and fabricated, that the life they had behind the camera was something else entirely, something different...I was willing to push this pairing as a crutch for myself knowing that both were single, just friends that liked to mess around a little. But then it came out that one of them had someone else already. The news should have made me happy... but... Now that crutch was gone. And now...the last thing keeping me in the fandom had also faded away into the Grey. I shouldn't have supported. I shouldn't have invested my life force into it...I shouldn't have relied on it...I should have found something else...and now I never know who I was before I took started to fade away into the Grey.
Maybe I'll bounce back. Maybe I'll pull myself out. All I know is that I'm hurting. Real bad. And I don't know if I'll ever come back from it.
