Advice/Help Need advice on handling toxic RPer(s)

[moonbeams]

How do you go about dealing with Toxic RP partners? I’m in QUITE the rat’s tail right now - in an off-site RP group I’m in I’m dealing with a very abusive and toxic person - I literally don’t want anything to do with them anymore… however, a friend of mine has to deal with this abusive person until the end of January. I worry if I tell this person how I truly feel about them, they’ll explode and take it out on my friend.

(Please note my friend is physically safe from them, but I worry for their mental health should this abusive person explode on them.)

I’m… really not sure what to do.

In short: I want to tell this abusive person how I truly feel about them, but worried if I do they’ll take it out emotionally on a friend. Advice?

(apologies if this is the wrong subforum, I’m... really not sure where to put this...)

(Also, if you want context for this cluster fuck of a problem I’m in, click the spoilers for a huge summary of behaviors.)

Spoiler: context

TW: mentions of emotional abuse and bullying, but nothing in explicit detail.

So, to start things off let me establish the people.

Group 1 consists of:

• Me
• Friend “A”
• Friend “B”
• Friend “C”

Group 2 consists of:

• Person “D”
• Person “E”

Important: B, D, E are all co-mods of a roleplay group I’m in. I have known B and D for years. (though we did fall out out contact for 2 years.)

I will attempt to summarize the history of trouble...

A and I (Mainly A) have been dealing with some trouble from D and E (Mainly E) for a while: E has had a history of going behind their fellow Mod’s backs: for instance, telling A that they will probably have to drop their character because no one (IC or OOC) will be happy to see their character again. (This is not true, but that’s besides the point.)

A and I have talked to B, D, and E previously about how their characters interactions towards our characters/OOC behaviour towards us have made us incredibly uncomfortable, only to be met with: E accusing A of manipulating me/ A and I attempting to manipulate B, D, and E, telling A that their behaviour (IC/OOC) is essentially A’s fault and that they need to “suck it up and get back to work” on getting people to like them/their character again. D, despite being Head Mod, is largely silent and complicit in E’s behaviour. B’s reaction, while still upsetting, was less accusatory.

E’s behaviour towards me, while not outright aggressive, is no less favourable: for instance they talk to/talk of me like i’m a child incapable of my own thoughts and have actually railed on me in the past behind my back.

D’s behaviour towards me… is practically nonexistent. Like they’ve stopped talking to me, etc. No apologies for their behavior towards A and I.

.
Recently, B has messaged me and apologized for their individual behavior (IC/OOC) towards A and I during previous talks. Important to Note: B apologized to me first (roughly 2 ish months ago, at the end of October. As B and I discussed the troublesome behavior towards A and I, I learned QUITE a few distressing things that have been going on with the Mods.

Not wanting to detail the abuse, I’ll be a little vague - sorry. As B and I talked, they provided proof that D and E have been emotionally abusing them, bullying them, arguing with them for hours/days until B was emotionally run into the ground, accusing B of being toxic and isolating C from the entire RP group/D and E.

C and I have recently started talking because of this, and I’ve learned that D and E force their characters to have some sort of relationship with ALL of C’s characters. C has also shown me that E talks to them passive aggressively, and has even messaged C behind my back to talk about me. D has messaged C to rail on B.

E has recently messaged me wanting to apologize for upsetting me and A (it’s important to note that E has only apologized to me directly, despite claiming to apologize to both A and I.) If it wasn’t obvious, I find E to be an absolute piece of trash of a human being and want nothing to do with them anymore - however, I worry that given E’s past of accusing A of manipulating me, and the revelations that they have been abusing B, I worry E will say something to B (thinking they had something to do with my feelings) if I truly speak my mind… and I worry for B and their mental health, as they have to deal with E until the end of January.

 

[Zeev]

Well several things could be happening, people aren't just "toxic" they probably derive anger from some source or pain so maybe dealing with them in a gentle manner is better than just throwing them away like human trash.

that said if they are just a straight up "bad person" with no desire what so ever to change or overcome their insecure behavior, it'd probably be good to be frank with both your friend and this person about said behavior, better to die on your feet than live on your knees.

 

[Idea]

Quick question, why is your friend stuck with this person until January exactly? Like why can't they dump the toxic RPer?

 

[rae2nerdy]

Yeah I mean I would honestly just block the people. I've dealt with toxic or unreasonable people in the past and the best solution sometimes is just to block them. Most sites have some kind of block feature in place to deal with harassment.

If you are unsure where this is located (and there are no site mods to assist you) than I would just drop my account and maybe tell your one friend a way to contact you off that site. (on here perhaps?)

 

[Birdsie]

I deal with toxicity on a daily basis and in many forms, even if sometimes it's a bit excessive.

This is a very multi-layered problem.

This is honestly a huge deal-breaker as far as collaboration goes. Clearly, E is the root of the problem. Get rid of him, and if that's impossible, say everything you've said here in an attempt to convice the rest of the group to get rid of him. If they don't see the problem, or don't care about it, then they don't care about how you feel, how B feels, or/and how the group is supposed to function, and you probably shouldn't bother with them. D is also a big part of the problem, clearly suffering from Bystander syndrome - try to talk to him about this, people who stand by tend to crack under pressure of this kind. If it doesn't work, then too bad.

I'm not sure exactly in what way B is forced to deal with E until January; clearing this up might help, but I won't push it. In any case, this also has to be dealt with. If E cannot be removed, you'll have to remove yourself from him instead, but B is still a victim here and should be helped with whatever means possible.

 

[moonbeams]

Zeev
Being frank with this person in the past as not gone well for me/my friend in the past.

Idea
My friend is a co-mod with this person and has decided to continue modding until the end of Jan. I can't exactly force them to change their decision, I made it known I don't think they should make themselves stay in the group for any longer... but there's some comfort in knowing they're leaving at the end of Jan and that'll be it.

rae2nerdy
Blocking is something I'll be doing in the future - I... actually didn't think of doing that? The RP takes place on a Discord server, so blocking is pretty easy.

 

[moonbeams]

Birdsie

B has decided to continue modding the group until the end of Jan, and then they're leaving it for good. Me and the other friends mentioned will be leaving as well at that point. I decided to stay in the group as long as B does just to give them support.

I apologize for not saying this in my initial post - my friend group (which, obviously, includes B) and I are planning on splitting from the group that E helps run with B. (It was getting very long and I didn't want to crowd with details.) We are planning on messaging people and letting them know of D and E's behavior/ our decision to leave - we're actually not the only people who have had problems with E, which alarming because I can't help but wonder who else has. I do worry people won't believe us/E (possibly even E) will explode when we tell them our decision to leave and why... I suppose at that point is where the blocking function comes in handy. We were planning on "making" the group again without D and E.

Augh, apologies for what probably seems like a muddled answer- this has been going on for months and it's honestly worn me out.

 

[Idea]

Don't worry your answers are understandable. I'd say your current course of action is pretty much the best one could do in your current situation, apart from maybe speeding up the process a little. So keep it up and best of luck!

 

[Birdsie]

Birdsie

B has decided to continue modding the group until the end of Jan, and then they're leaving it for good. Me and the other friends mentioned will be leaving as well at that point. I decided to stay in the group as long as B does just to give them support.

I apologize for not saying this in my initial post - my friend group (which, obviously, includes B) and I are planning on splitting from the group that E helps run with B. (It was getting very long and I didn't want to crowd with details.) We are planning on messaging people and letting them know of D and E's behavior/ our decision to leave - we're actually not the only people who have had problems with E, which alarming because I can't help but wonder who else has. I do worry people won't believe us/E (possibly even E) will explode when we tell them our decision to leave and why... I suppose at that point is where the blocking function comes in handy.

Augh, apologies for what probably seems like a muddled answer- this has been going on for months and it's honestly worn me out.

That's why it must be dealt with. Abuse of any kind mustn't be overlooked.

I think you should not wait with this. It's an ongoing problem and will affect you in the present, rather than future. And even if it affects you in the future, that's also a good incentive to deal with it. Whether or not the poison kills you today or tomorrow, you're still poisoned and need the cure as fast as possible. Don't worry about people not believing you. I understand doing something like this requires great courage, and that's to be expected, but I still think you should tell the others. If they don't want to believe you, they're a part of the problem.

But I'm not pressuring you. As long as you solve the problem in a way you're comfortable with, that's a victory in itself. Good luck.

 

[moonbeams]

Birdsie

Thank you for your responses so far. I don't want to force B to leave the group early (though I would prefer that as I worry for their mental health if E does anything.) but I'll see where talking to them about perhaps speeding up the process goes. I get the sense B is mentally preparing themselves on cutting off E and D, hence the deadline of the end of January. My friend A has already messaged one person regarding us leaving and starting the group again, and it was met positively.

I will see who else I can message in the meantime... as long as B is comfortable with it, as I don't wish to cause trouble for B as they're already in a delicate situation.

 

[moonbeams]

Idea
thank you for your words of support.... it'll be over soon, hopefully!

 

[Onmyoji]

I agree, your course of action to split and make new group is probably best way to handle it. You should all block E though and stay aware for a while if E changes accounts and tries to join again. No doubt E will explode when they find out.

You can probably talk to B about it, saying that if E lashes out on them, they shouldn't take it to heart, knowing the history of E's toxicity.
And B should have your support and probably other friends too to deal with mental issues if anything happens.

If E is really that toxic and affected so many people, just keep blocking E on every new account they may create to follow you. Eventually they will stop.

This will probably be hard for all of you especially if you were friends with E, but need to deal with it once and for all.

Maybe try to convince B to leave earlier than end of January. Don't force them, just talk to them honestly and lay out your ideas why they may want to speed up the process. If it's indeed some time they set for themselves to mentality prepare, support them as much as you can. They will see they're not struggling alone.