I need some strict critiquing...

[StoneWolf18]

The lore won't make sense, I'm aware of that. But I do want someone to go through this sheet with a fine tooth comb. Are the weaknesses copouts? Do the personality traits contradict themselves? Does the life story make sense and is easy to follow? I NEED FEEDBACK! (But try not to be a dick... >.>)


Google Docs Link Cause It's 4 and 1/4 Pages Long

 

[Idea]

Awww, wanted to be a dick!


Nah, I'm kidding, i'll take a look if I find the time. XD 

 

[Salt Lord]

Not finished yet, but I already like it. So far, you've basically made it impossible to find any errors. :v


Edit: So if she was raised in poverty-like conditions without really any care from a posh family, how is it that she speaks as fancily as someone who was raised as royalty? Did the old woman that taught her speak that way in order for Estelle to pick up on it?


And is it possible to be both indecisive and firm at once? I can see how it could work, but I just wanna make sure. Maybe she could be stubborn and stick to one plan, and refuse to change it even if the plan turns out to be the worse of the two.


Finished now. Other than the aforementioned things, I think everything's very well done. Much more than I can say for the character sheets I generally make :0

 

[Idea]

My thoughts on it, from a quick and not over analyzed reading (note, only mentioning the problems):


1. Over-cliché: while you do develop on the ideas of the "rebellious lady" (oppressed lady who has this view against what she was taught and what society views her at the time) trope, they don´t serve much of a purpose other than to push in their presence. In other words, a huge chunk of what makes up your character and which you seemed very keen in following, is actually a trope that becomes a cliché because you utterly waste what little potential it had to begin with. I do like that you twisted it a little in her not really liking male clothes given they don´t quite fit her but that is a little detail that doesn´t compensate for how much was thrown at the garbage.


2. Almost every flaw you gave her came with some form of quality attached. Sometimes they were more or less hidden, others they were more out there and even outright admitted. It  gives the sense that you felt the need to say "she has really nothing that´s that wrong with her" .


3. "Realistic" isn´t a trait anyone should have. Pratical, pragmatic , perhaps, but realistic means you have a POV that sees things how they are, rather than add biases- which not only contradicts pretty much the first half of the character´s constitution, the aforementioned trope , but is just something that doesn´t quite exist as an actual trait and therefore should not be anywhere in a character.


4. The extent of her powers is poorly explained and therefore it's hard for me to conceive her ever facing a situation where her lack of physical combat expertize would ever mean anything- after all , for all I know, she could just turn the enemies into chickens and move on with it.


5. The culture of the society you built is quite inconsistent. One moment, everyone´s minds are cultured in such a way they would hate a baby anda actively prevent this girl from getting education, in another a person suddenly has our kind of values, takes pity on this girl (who on top of all this, is a WOMAN MANAGING A SHOP!). We aren´t even told if this place has any other magic and the level of coincidence is a bit much for my suspension of disbelief, when I´m criticizing. I think this would lightly pass in an RP I managed, but only because there is only so accurate you´d actually have to get for those. In this case, this level of coincidence matched with the inconsistent world building, makes her backstory sound more like an overdramatic fairy tale than the life of an actual person.


Anyway, that´s my feedback regarding problems.

 

[Salt Lord]

sweet jesus it's a character sheet for a roleplay not a goddamn college entry english test

 

[Idea]

sweet jesus it's a character sheet for a roleplay not a goddamn college entry english test

so? These were the kind of mistakes I caught with a light read. If I wanted or had the time to go all out, I´d be writing the issues for over an hour, I´m sure.


In my opinion, it´s respectful to take anything you do seriously, especially when it comes to criticism. If you don´t do it, you´re stripping it off it´s dignity.

 

[Salt Lord]

that, and I guess some people can just find more flaws than others

 

[Idea]

I guess. Approach is a big factor in it. For example, my passion for world building and the fact that I take the knowledge I have about writing mainly from the loads of research I did rather than sheer experience probably gives me a certain edge when it comes to spotting possible ramifications and usually harder to notice errors.

 

[StoneWolf18]

My thoughts on it, from a quick and not over analyzed reading (note, only mentioning the problems):


1. Over-cliché: while you do develop on the ideas of the "rebellious lady" (oppressed lady who has this view against what she was taught and what society views her at the time) trope, they don´t serve much of a purpose other than to push in their presence. In other words, a huge chunk of what makes up your character and which you seemed very keen in following, is actually a trope that becomes a cliché because you utterly waste what little potential it had to begin with. I do like that you twisted it a little in her not really liking male clothes given they don´t quite fit her but that is a little detail that doesn´t compensate for how much was thrown at the garbage.


2. Almost every flaw you gave her came with some form of quality attached. Sometimes they were more or less hidden, others they were more out there and even outright admitted. It  gives the sense that you felt the need to say "she has really nothing that´s that wrong with her" .


3. "Realistic" isn´t a trait anyone should have. Pratical, pragmatic , perhaps, but realistic means you have a POV that sees things how they are, rather than add biases- which not only contradicts pretty much the first half of the character´s constitution, the aforementioned trope , but is just something that doesn´t quite exist as an actual trait and therefore should not be anywhere in a character.


4. The extent of her powers is poorly explained and therefore it's hard for me to conceive her ever facing a situation where her lack of physical combat expertize would ever mean anything- after all , for all I know, she could just turn the enemies into chickens and move on with it.


5. The culture of the society you built is quite inconsistent. One moment, everyone´s minds are cultured in such a way they would hate a baby anda actively prevent this girl from getting education, in another a person suddenly has our kind of values, takes pity on this girl (who on top of all this, is a WOMAN MANAGING A SHOP!). We aren´t even told if this place has any other magic and the level of coincidence is a bit much for my suspension of disbelief, when I´m criticizing. I think this would lightly pass in an RP I managed, but only because there is only so accurate you´d actually have to get for those. In this case, this level of coincidence matched with the inconsistent world building, makes her backstory sound more like an overdramatic fairy tale than the life of an actual person.


Anyway, that´s my feedback regarding problems.

**This isn't for RPN but a whole other site based around the stuff you want to know and I'll be happy to link you to a whole wiki describing it.


1) I have to work with what I'm given. The noble family I joined is set to demoralize women and so that is how this character would react to such treatment.


2) They were all meant to be neutral until I was told that there has to be 3 positive and 3 negative, so I slapped on some labels. There are quite a few flaws with her that around countered with a positive I believe.


3) I had considered this as well and was planning on fixing it up, this was written up rather late. XP


4)**


5) Refer to one. This is the culture of the specific family, not a whole country. Besides I didn't create it.

Not finished yet, but I already like it. So far, you've basically made it impossible to find any errors. :v


Edit: So if she was raised in poverty-like conditions without really any care from a posh family, how is it that she speaks as fancily as someone who was raised as royalty? Did the old woman that taught her speak that way in order for Estelle to pick up on it?


And is it possible to be both indecisive and firm at once? I can see how it could work, but I just wanna make sure. Maybe she could be stubborn and stick to one plan, and refuse to change it even if the plan turns out to be the worse of the two.


Finished now. Other than the aforementioned things, I think everything's very well done. Much more than I can say for the character sheets I generally make :0

Trust me Hun, where this thing is going it's more than strict so that's why I'm keeping it that way.


Read what I said above about me not creating the family she is apart of. They hail from what is compaired to France and she was raised by people with such a language and harsh accents. The only other people she would u tract with consistently would be Gwen, which wouldn't  be enough to actually loose it.


I also just learned that my Combat Inept is a copout and Indecisive is a personally trait and not a weakness. I fucking hate that part of the damn thing >.>

 

[Salt Lord]

Read what I said above about me not creating the family she is apart of. They hail from what is compaired to France and she was raised by people with such a language and harsh accents. The only other people she would u tract with consistently would be Gwen, which wouldn't  be enough to actually loose it.

Well if I'd known that... :v

 

[Idea]

1) I have to work with what I'm given. The noble family I joined is set to demoralize women and so that is how this character would react to such treatment.

then do something with it. Rather than sticking to the trope , give us some ramifications , consequences of it that are unique enough to make it worth using.

2) They were all meant to be neutral until I was told that there has to be 3 positive and 3 negative, so I slapped on some labels. There are quite a few flaws with her that around countered with a positive I believe.

either you were told beforehand and should have edited them to actually be positive and negative, or you were only told after your character was basically set in stone in which case whoever is GMing that (or equivalent) is an asshole.

4)**

?

5) Refer to one. This is the culture of the specific family, not a whole country. Besides I didn't create it.

I see. That changes things quite a bit. I might have caught that if I was reading with more attention, my apologies.

 

[StoneWolf18]

Well if I'd known that... :v

I know, there's a fuck ton of background information that goes into this x3

 

[Salt Lord]

That's all stuff I could never really comprehend tbh

 

[Idea]

I know, there's a fuck ton of background information that goes into this x3

I don´t think you should be asking for criticism on a character PRIOR giving us that information

 

[StoneWolf18]

then do something with it. Rather than sticking to the trope , give us some ramifications , consequences of it that are unique enough to make it worth using.

I'm going a but more lax with this one because they aren't going to be used on a forum. So the most I'll be writing at a time would be a sentence or two. If you want to offer suggestions that won't make me change the entire character, go right ahead.

either you were told beforehand and should have edited them to actually be positive and negative, or you were only told after your character was basically set in stone in which case whoever is GMing that (or equivalent) is an asshole

I'll have to go back and look at them (some haven't reached the sentence limit so I have to check that too) and it's not set in stone yet. If I want to change something after being approved I need to contact the lore staff. XP


For number four, I can supply the link to the magic if you're interested. There's a huge article on it.

I don´t think you should be asking for criticism on a character PRIOR giving us that information

Dear, you'll be reading through so many links its not even worth it.

 

[Idea]

Dear, you'll be reading through so many links its not even worth it.

it certainly is more worth than reviewing a character and only after you being told that there is a whole huge independent universe that somehow is suppose to correct the mistakes. Maybe if I had known I had to go through a bunch of lore I wouldn´t have looked precisely because I didn´t know that lore, no? I do value my time, and I imagine others do too.

I'm going a but more lax with this one because they aren't going to be used on a forum. So the most I'll be writing at a time would be a sentence or two. If you want to offer suggestions that won't make me change the entire character, go right ahead.

I would, but the lore problem makes that too trappy.