Honesty Policy - a question for roleplayers

[call me rae]

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So everyone always says that honesty is the best policy when dealing with roleplay partners or conflict resolution. But when it comes right down to the wire most of us chicken out and invent little white lies to preserve other people's feelings. We don't like being the bad guy so we'll come up with excuses for why we can't roleplay or talk to such and such a person anymore. Sometimes it's the classic - Oh well I'm super busy can't rp anymore bai. ( aaand two minutes later it's back to the search again ) Sometimes it's kind of beating around the bush - Well it's kind of like I have a lot of things going on right now and I'm not sure I can give this the attention it deserves. And sometimes you get the super blunt people that shrug and go for 100% honesty bonus and say : yeah I'm just not feeling it anymore sorry. So my question to you guys

<strong> What is your honesty policy? Do you tell little white lies, beat around the bush, or just go full on blunt when it comes to handling people?</strong> <strong> Which do you think is the better policy?</strong>

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[Coward]

I once went with no-holds-barred honesty when I dropped someone. I can't say that it went well.


I told them not only that I'd lost interest, but why I'd lost interest: their god-moding had gotten out of control, they had no respect for me, they were turning my characters into props and they were using their own character's insane new powers to destroy all conflict in the plot. These were concerns I'd raised before. I thought I'd done it in as gentle a way as possible, but who knows.


They responded saying they were 'literally crying' and that they couldn't understand why I was being so mean to them.


What is your honesty policy?


Case by case. If I think people are grounded enough to handle it I tell them I've lost interest but not why, unless they ask. Anyway sometimes there's no real reason except we're not meshing as writers, or I'm not invested enough in my own characters.


Which do you think is the better policy?


I think you should use your judgement rather than sticking to one or the other. For some people honesty is just going to cause a meltdown. That said, I think if you find yourself opposite someone who is... maybe a little too invested, or that you just can't deal with it's best to be honest about losing interest. Otherwise you'll find them at your next interest check thread asking for a new one or chewing you out for dropping.

 

[JayTee]

I've done a mix of both with no real rhyme or reason in how I do it.


I once told a GM who I really liked that I just wasn't interested in the game (specifically, the game's mechanics) anymore.


On the flipside, I've told someone who I've only ever RPed once an excuse that was convenient at the time so I could leave and spare their feelings.


In both cases, it went over fairly well. I think it was in how I did it, rather than which one I picked.

 

[Epiphany]

For me, it depends on if they're a friend or a gaming partner.


If they're a friend, preserving the relationship is more important to me. I've said those classic things OP mentioned in those cases, particularly when part of a community where it was likely we'd cross paths again and I might wind up in a game with them in the future.


If they're a gaming partner, then I try to go with honesty assuming they seem remotely equipped to handle it. Because here's the thing; you can't fix what you don't know about. And while I'm sure there are gamers who enjoy god modding and know exactly what they're doing, there's plenty who don't. None of this stuff comes naturally or automatically. You learn it, because someone tells you or you see it happen and put two and two together. Rather than let someone continue being a bad Storyteller or Player or whatever, I'm usually inclined to give them candid feedback so they can get better.


For the sake of the next person they game with, I usually go with honesty. And if they continue those behaviors, at least my conscience is clear that they're doing so deliberately rather than unknowingly.

 

[Arilyn]

It depends on the situation for me, although usually I say it flat out, how it is.

 

[ETC]

Like others have said, for me it's a case-by-case basis.


It depends on why I'm leaving, who they are, how mature they seem to be, etc.


For example, if I just have no muse or motivation anymore I'll probably write an apology, explain it's just my shit motivation and that I don't want to bring the rp down with my declining posting speed. It's mostly honest and the blame is all on myself.


If I can't stand one or more of the players, that depends. If the gm is reasonable I'll have probably privately asked if they could speak to the other player (e.g, "can you ask them to make their character less op/stop metagaming/use 3rd person/etc.)


In the event that doesn't work out and it ruins the rp for me, I'll probably come up with some generic reason why I can't rp anymore whether that's motivation, time constraints (a bit harder to use in the summer), "I've lost interest," or the super vague all-purpose "real life."


If I've lost interest, I guess that depends on why too.


You can be honest without explaining in detail why you're leaving the role play. Sometimes it's better that way, and I don't see how leaving a detail out could be dishonest. If you've lost interest because, for example, it was advertised as a detailed rp but ended up being closer to casual or simple you probably shouldn't tell the gm/everyone in the rp that their writing is shit and that the rp is closer to simple. Not to say that there's anything wrong with less than detailed rps, I find a lot of merit in simpler rps. It's just one example where stating the details would be bad.


Some people just can't handle any sort of criticism and will freak out or start to argue with you even if you try to be as polite as possible.


So, as long as you give some notification that you'll be leaving the rp, and some explanation, I think you're good. Most people would agree that the worst thing would be to ghost without saying anything.

 

[Dark Enforcer]

I think it depends mostly on the person I'm dealing with. If I know the person is super chill and down to talk, I'll be right down honest with them and let them know what's going on and why I can't reply to them anymore. Then there are other people who are just plain out boring who only care about the role-play and you can even sort of feel this heavy atmosphere whenever you speak to them. That's when I feel I have to turn the cheek and give them a white lie.


However, if I happen to stumble upon a very loud, arrogant, and selfish role-player, let's say someone who tells you to limit yourself to only role-play talk, ignores your PMs, and you overall know they just aren't as big as they boast to be, that's when I get sort of ugly (guilty of this and I apologise), and let them know something like "You're not that great, the plot got boring, I'm outta here."

 

[hexaphenylbenzene]

i know from personal experience that knowing that you're not as good as your partner and then having them leave """Because they're too busy"" can be incredibly hurtful. however, i'm guilty of that myself. i don't like conflict and i've just sort of come to accept that i'd bipassed most of the other people in the rp-section of where i was. hoping that it's better here. i can already see it is.

 

[Elle Joyner]

Here's the thing. Your response is your responsibility. You cannot control how someone is going to react to honesty. That does not mean, to preserve feelings, you shouldn't tell someone the truth.


I am Pollyanna to the letter. I mother everyone and I try very hard to always be patient. But without honesty, people cannot grow or learn. I've had plenty of occasions where hearing what someone had to say wasn't just hard, it was heartbreaking. But from that, I was able to mature, to learn, and to better myself.


Also, realize if you don't say it... someone else will. And chances are unless the person is a total idiot, they're going to figure out that you lied to them. And they probably won't thank you for it.


Now, does that mean if an rp isn't working out you belittle and embarrass them?? Absolutely not. Constructive is the key. Read what you're writing and try to imagine you receiving that message from someone you like or admire... If it hurts, that's one thing. Feelings are often very sensitive and no one likes hearing their flaws... but there's a line you can cross between honesty and bluntness. If it's mean, really mean, you're doing something wrong.


Don't make it personal,make it about the story, the characters, the writing... avoid alot of 'you did this' or 'here's what you do that I don't like'. Roleplaying is meant to be fun, and while there's nothing wrong with taking it seriously, we should try to remember for most people, it's a hobby. They probably won't be world-class. So handling honesty with a little honey, instead of vinegar is going to go a long way to keeping things from getting ugly.


But don't lie. They'll know... and that often hurts worse.