Viewpoint Ghosters, why do you do it?

[rae2nerdy]

I've had similar issues but, like I said, in my experience, most of the time the issue was solved/anxiety eliminated by providing a response. Only on one occasion did it lead to any kind of confrontation or additional problems.

​

Well yeah but again if you are an anxious person you aren't looking at a logical solution. I mean I used to be convinced that if I got up on stage and spoke the entire school would laugh at me. Did that ever happen? Of course not. But that didn't stop me from ending up having a panic attack in the bathroom due to the fear it might. Like I am not saying that speaking to someone face to face is not the objectively better method. I am saying some people can't do that. It has nothing to do with logically assessing the risks and instead is entirely down to an irrational fear. Like you can't reason with irrationality, that's kind of the whole point.

 

[Ayama]

Well yeah but again if you are an anxious person you aren't looking at a logical solution. I mean I used to be convinced that if I got up on stage and spoke the entire school would laugh at me. Did that ever happen? Of course not. But that didn't stop me from ending up having a panic attack in the bathroom due to the fear it might. Like I am not saying that speaking to someone face to face is not the objectively better method. I am saying some people can't do that. It has nothing to do with logically assessing the risks and instead is entirely down to an irrational fear. Like you can't reason with irrationality, that's kind of the whole point.

I disagree. Just because anxiety is based on irrational fear doesn't mean one shouldn't attempt to reason with it. Part of the prescribed treatment for many forms of anxiety is specifically learning how to deal with and address it, in order to disarm that fear and lessen its hold on you.

​

 

[rae2nerdy]

I disagree. Just because anxiety is based on irrational fear doesn't mean one shouldn't attempt to reason with it. Part of the prescribed treatment for many forms of anxiety is specifically learning how to deal with and address it, in order to disarm that fear and lessen its hold on you.

​

So I am guessing you didn't have a clinical diagnosis then? Because yeah therapist recommend coping mechanisms but they aren't a magic solution. You don't get to wake up one day and decide - today is the day I am gonna face my fears. It's incremental steps that take years and steady feedback to work through.

Plus online is a real Russian roulette when it comes to the people you are interacting with. Even people who think they're bring open and welcoming can come across as very intimidating and demanding. I am not gonna demand more from people than they can give. It's cruel and it's likely to push back their recovery more than it helps them.

Trust me my family tried the whole "Just do it and get it over with" approach and it has led me to STILL have anxiety around certain situations. Because they kept pushing me past what I was comfortable with and not letting me meet something on my own terms.

 

[Ayama]

So I am guessing you didn't have a clinical diagnosis then? Because yeah therapist recommend coping mechanisms but they aren't a magic solution. You don't get to wake up one day and decide - today is the day I am gonna face my fears. It's incremental steps that take years and steady feedback to work through.

Plus online is a real Russian roulette when it comes to the people you are interacting with. Even people who think they're bring open and welcoming can come across as very intimidating and demanding. I am not gonna demand more from people than they can give. It's cruel and it's likely to push back their recovery more than it helps them.

Trust me my family tried the whole "Just do it and get it over with" approach and it has led me to STILL have anxiety around certain situations. Because they kept pushing me past what I was comfortable with and not letting me meet something on my own terms.

I'm most definitely not saying 'Just do it and get over it', as that has the connotation of 'what are you making a big deal out of this for' and discounting the person's legitimate struggles.
But I'm also most definitely not an advocate of 'I have anxiety so that's just how it is and nothing can be done'. I'm a firm believer in people working to overcome whatever obstacles they face in life, and them being ultimately happier and more fulfilled for it.

​

 

[rae2nerdy]

I'm most definitely not saying 'Just do it and get over it', as that has the connotation of 'what are you making a big deal out of this for' and discounting the person's legitimate struggles.
But I'm also most definitely not an advocate of 'I have anxiety so that's just how it is and nothing can be done'. I'm a firm believer in people working to overcome whatever obstacles they face in life, and them being ultimately happier and more fulfilled for it.

​

Yeah the problem is you don't get to dictate what that "overcoming obstacles" looks like. If that looks like avoiding a conflict and instead working on picking up people who are a better fit for them in the long run that's fine. Like not everyone gives a shit about ghosting so it's possible they start with people like that and work on just talking to other people in a non-confrontational way. Then over time they work up to being more confident and direct.

 

[Nostalchiq]

Well yeah but again if you are an anxious person you aren't looking at a logical solution. I mean I used to be convinced that if I got up on stage and spoke the entire school would laugh at me. Did that ever happen? Of course not. But that didn't stop me from ending up having a panic attack in the bathroom due to the fear it might. Like I am not saying that speaking to someone face to face is not the objectively better method. I am saying some people can't do that. It has nothing to do with logically assessing the risks and instead is entirely down to an irrational fear. Like you can't reason with irrationality, that's kind of the whole point.

I would suggest when moving ahead with a new partner if this is a huge issue for you to either let them know ahead of time that it's a possibility you may disappear without warning, or at least work out some kind of mutual agreement with the other person before starting the RP that would allow either of you to drop it without any hurt feelings or need for reasoning behind the decision. I understand having anxiety as I struggle with that too, but part of being a good partner is taking the other person's needs and desires into consideration. Writing is a partnership. A writing partner isn't just a tool for you to get what you want from them, they are another human being with fears, desires, etc, just like you. Keep that in mind.

 

[Rosewood]

I only ghost people who very clearly didn't bother putting in any effort in their approach to me. Imagine spending an hour on your request thread and getting a message like this:

i liek ur thread, rp?

Yeah, no, not even going to reply to that. It sounds arrogant and smug but it's not, it's basic self-respect. Not to mention people like that usually don't take no for an answer and will keep pestering you.

I will admit though sometimes I just start losing interest or I found out a partner wants something that's just incompatible with what I want and I've had some people react very, very poorly in the past and it's caused me to ghost others out of fear they'll be the same. In general ending an RP with someone is an unpleasant experience and I can be a coward on that front. Having anxiety issues doesn't help.

I've gotten better though.

 

[Nostalchiq]

I only ghost people who very clearly didn't bother putting in any effort in their approach to me. Imagine spending an hour on your request thread and getting a message like this:

i liek ur thread, rp?

Yeah, no, not even going to reply to that. It sounds arrogant and smug but it's not, it's basic self-respect. Not to mention people like that usually don't take no for an answer and will keep pestering you.

I will admit though sometimes I just start losing interest or I found out a partner wants something that's just incompatible with what I want and I've had some people react very, very poorly in the past and it's caused me to ghost others out of fear they'll be the same. In general ending an RP with someone is an unpleasant experience and I can be a coward on that front. Having anxiety issues doesn't help.

I've gotten better though.

Yeah, I agree completely with your first point. But for people like me (and I'm guessing you) who actually put a ton of work into getting an RP started and establishing a friendship, being ghosted can really hurt. I'm glad that you're getting better about ghosting and I'm sorry that you have had bad experiences with people reacting negatively to you dropping the RP (I've only done that once but it was after being strung along three separate times by the same person and then they dropped it without any warning, remorse, compassion, but I digress), but please don't make other people suffer because of those experiences. I have found after talking to several people about this subject that discussing how you'd both prefer to end the RP if/when the time comes before you delve any deeper in the RP has helped, although I have also had some people say one thing and then do something completely different. All you can do is communicate to the best of your ability about what it is you expect from someone, as well as what they can expect from you.

 

[Crow]

Sometimes I forget, returning when reminded. Happens when I bite off a lot more than I can swallow, which is why I limit my RPs a bit more these days.

 

[Franklin]

Here are some of the reasons I hate ghosting:

- It's cowardly
- It's thoughtless, rude and selfish
- It's a waste of my time
- It's immature
- It's lazy

All of this does not apply for those who are just in it for casual writing, as I imagine that the option to split anytime you want is probably part of the appeal. But other than that, why do people ghost? Why have you ghosted? What are some ways I can prevent it from happening to me in the future? I've made it clear in the beginning that I would much rather be informed when someone wants to drop the RP rather than have them just disappear into the ether after we spent days coming up with a plot, discussing OCs and getting to know one another. It's exhausting and a big blow to my motivation to even keep doing this in the first place.

Rant over. But seriously, why?

I feel like people ghost for various reasons. Yes, it would be ideal for them to have informed you. However, I have ghosted, and have been ghosted on because of how a role play environment was. The role play starting to feel like a chore? Have to post a required amount of times? Do you have a lack of stimulation in the story? Pressure and lack of inspiration is a buzz kill. These are the most common reasons I ghost or have been ghosted on.Perhaps you are not approachable. I make a clear communication that I wouldn't ever judge anyone if they had to leave and I very rarely run into people ghosting me.

 

[Franklin]

Sometimes I forget, returning when reminded. Happens when I bite off a lot more than I can swallow, which is why I limit my RPs a bit more these days.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that in my post before. YES, especially when there are a wealth of members or characters. Being overwhelmed is certainly a reason people ghost. Anxiety can be real.

 

[Nostalchiq]

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that in my post before. YES, especially when there are a wealth of members or characters. Being overwhelmed is certainly a reason people ghost. Anxiety can be real.

I guess it bothers me more than others because part of writing with someone, in my opinion, is building a friendship. Even if the RP doesn't last forever I still like to keep in touch and talk. It's not just an opportunity to entertain me while they're ready and willing to write. I connect with so few people that the ones who I do feel a connection with become important to me. Just because there are a wealth of members out there doesn't mean that someone I care about is easily replaced. I guess that's just me, though.

 

[Franklin]

I guess it bothers me more than others because part of writing with someone, in my opinion, is building a friendship. Even if the RP doesn't last forever I still like to keep in touch and talk. It's not just an opportunity to entertain me while they're ready and willing to write. I connect with so few people that the ones who I do feel a connection with become important to me. Just because there are a wealth of members out there doesn't mean that someone I care about is easily replaced. I guess that's just me, though.

Part of being a friend is understanding sometimes people need time on their own. Sometimes, people don't want to explain to their friends why they do things. I'm just going to go out on a limb here. Judging by your title in your comment it seems like this happens a lot. In my evolution of being a role player I've had to accept a few things here and there that were hard to swallow. One major factor was my outlook on what people "owed me". You "owe me a post" You "owe me an explanation." or You "are very wrong in your opinion." I had to swallow that people have different likes and dislikes and opinions to me. This also includes role plays. They aren't going to be as special to everyone as they are to you.

I actually drove away a LOT of really good people and role players away because I had a very sour attitude. It took me years of rebuilding myself in the community and actually humbling myself to really get where I am today. Which happened with growth. I had to accept that no one's time is mine. My time is mine. People will naturally float in and out of your life. If you can't accept that things grow and change you may have trouble holding on to people in role plays or long lasting friendships.

You have to be forgiving you know. Perhaps ask them honestly why they left or how they feel. I mean, if friendship is what you are searching for.

 

[Nostalchiq]

Part of being a friend is understanding sometimes people need time on their own. Sometimes, people don't want to explain to their friends why they do things. I'm just going to go out on a limb here. Judging by your title in your comment it seems like this happens a lot. In my evolution of being a role player I've had to accept a few things here and there that were hard to swallow. One major factor was my outlook on what people "owed me". You "owe me a post" You "owe me an explanation." or You "are very wrong in your opinion." I had to swallow that people have different likes and dislikes and opinions to me. This also includes role plays. They aren't going to be as special to everyone as they are to you.

I actually drove away a LOT of really good people and role players away because I had a very sour attitude. It took me years of rebuilding myself in the community and actually humbling myself to really get where I am today. Which happened with growth. I had to accept that no one's time is mine. My time is mine. People will naturally float in and out of your life. If you can't accept that things grow and change you may have trouble holding on to people in role plays or long lasting friendships.

You have to be forgiving you know. Perhaps ask them honestly why they left or how they feel. I mean, if friendship is what you are searching for.

I'm sorry, I must have given the wrong impression. I do not believe that anyone owes me anything except for courtesy and respect. Nor do I believe that people need a reason to quit an RP. As I mentioned before, if they never want to write again I will understand, but I don't think that real friends just disappear without letting you know why they're doing it, if it's within their ability to reach out and at least drop you a note so you won't worry. Friendship, like any relationship, is a give and take thing. Therefore, it's selfish to vanish off the face of the earth (provided you are able) without letting your friend know why because that person is going to worry and wonder what they did that drove them off. A friend doesn't do that.

I understand that we live in a throw away culture where everything is disposable, but I just can't prescribe to that. It takes a lot for me to let someone in and when someone breaks my trust by just disappearing out of the blue and blocking me on all platforms I can't help but take it personally. But you're right. People do need to be forgiving. I believe that I can forgive, but I can't forget.

 

[BakaTheIdiot]

...oh boy, here we go.

I support the ghosting practice. As someone who has ghosted - frequently - I can say it has a lot to do with circumstances. 99 out of 100 times I ghost because I go inactive for a long period of time, unexpectedly, and without reasons. Then, when I come back, I'm anxious that I have to explain my sudden inactivity, or I can drop it. I've also decided that as someone who ghosts Roleplays, I cannot complain if someone ghosts me as well. There can be a lot of reasons, but mine are anxiety and real life circumstances.

I know full well that it's rude, and a bit immature to just leave without explaining, but it is a lot easier, which is why I put the option on the table in all of my Roleplays - if I don't hear anything within a week of the last message, I'll drop it and move on. I'll bump it once, so I can find it in 3 days, but after that, it is what it is.

 

[Franklin]

I'm sorry, I must have given the wrong impression. I do not believe that anyone owes me anything except for courtesy and respect. Nor do I believe that people need a reason to quit an RP. As I mentioned before, if they never want to write again I will understand, but I don't think that real friends just disappear without letting you know why they're doing it, if it's within their ability to reach out and at least drop you a note so you won't worry. Friendship, like any relationship, is a give and take thing. Therefore, it's selfish to vanish off the face of the earth (provided you are able) without letting your friend know why because that person is going to worry and wonder what they did that drove them off. A friend doesn't do that.

I understand that we live in a throw away culture where everything is disposable, but I just can't prescribe to that. It takes a lot for me to let someone in and when someone breaks my trust by just disappearing out of the blue and blocking me on all platforms I can't help but take it personally. But you're right. People do need to be forgiving. I believe that I can forgive, but I can't forget.

You have some very high expectations of people. Oh. They blocked you. You see I still feel like there is more to this story and with more growing you will become much happier. If they blocked you then it's apparent some behaviour threw them off. Not trying to be mean just you asked and I said my bit. To find true friends you need to accept your own personal behaviour may have played a part. It's an experience everyone has to go through

 

[Nostalchiq]

...oh boy, here we go.

I support the ghosting practice. As someone who has ghosted - frequently - I can say it has a lot to do with circumstances. 99 out of 100 times I ghost because I go inactive for a long period of time, unexpectedly, and without reasons. Then, when I come back, I'm anxious that I have to explain my sudden inactivity, or I can drop it. I've also decided that as someone who ghosts Roleplays, I cannot complain if someone ghosts me as well. There can be a lot of reasons, but mine are anxiety and real life circumstances.

I know full well that it's rude, and a bit immature to just leave without explaining, but it is a lot easier, which is why I put the option on the table in all of my Roleplays - if I don't hear anything within a week of the last message, I'll drop it and move on. I'll bump it once, so I can find it in 3 days, but after that, it is what it is.

That's fine provided you're both in agreement.

 

[Nostalchiq]

You have some very high expectations of people. Oh. They blocked you. You see I still feel like there is more to this story and with more growing you will become much happier. If they blocked you then it's apparent some behaviour threw them off. Not trying to be mean just you asked and I said my bit. To find true friends you need to accept your own personal behaviour may have played a part. It's an experience everyone has to go through

I would love to know why they blocked me so I could correct my behavior. Kind of hard to do that when I'm left wondering with no explanation, no? Also, I don't feel that expecting a quick note from someone before they split is a very high or outlandish expectation, honestly. Sounds like common courtesy to me.

 

[Franklin]

I would love to know why they blocked me so I could correct my behavior. Kind of hard to do that when I'm left wondering with no explanation, no? Also, I don't feel that expecting a quick note from someone before they split is a very high or outlandish expectation, honestly. Sounds like common courtesy to me.

No.The fact that they blocked you tells me you certainly must of done or said something to offend them . I have been in this situation and actually have some solid advice . Find another platform to get in touch . Even if it's email. You may have to be the one to reach out and it should start with you saying how you miss them not about the role play. This is how I've rekindled friendships. You may have really offended them and perhaps their feelings are valid in their ghosting. Try it out. I've mended several friendships this way . We didn't even role play together again till our friendship was solid again . If friendship is what you are craving

 

[Nostalchiq]

No the fact that they blocked you tells me you must of done or said something . I have been in this situation and actually have some solid advice . Find another platform to get in touch . Even if it's email. You may have to be the one to reach out and it should start with you saying how you miss them not about the role play. This is how I've rekindled friendships. You may have really offended them and perhaps their feelings are valid in their ghosting. Try it out. I've mended several friendships this way . We didn't even role play together again till our friendship was solid again . If friendship is what you are craving

I imagine I did say something that offended them, though I've run conversations we've had over in my head several times and can't seem to figure out what it could be that they found offensive. You were correct in assuming it's happened several times before. I do warn people starting out that I tend to be pretty open in sharing my thoughts and opinions and that they need to have strong stomachs if they want to be in regular contact with me, and I do have the ghosting convo with them before we delve deeper into the RP relationship. So I feel as though I prepare them as much as I can for what to expect in the beginning to avoid situations like these from arising.

Your advice is sound and I appreciate it. I unfortunately do not have the emails of the people who have left, but in the future maybe I'll ask for them at some point once we've gotten close enough. All I can do for now is reach out to them on here.

 

[Franklin]

I imagine I did say something that offended them, though I've run conversations we've had over in my head several times and can't seem to figure out what it could be that they found offensive. You were correct in assuming it's happened several times before. I do warn people starting out that I tend to be pretty open in sharing my thoughts and opinions and that they need to have strong stomachs if they want to be in regular contact with me, and I do have the ghosting convo with them before we delve deeper into the RP relationship. So I feel as though I prepare them as much as I can for what to expect in the beginning to avoid situations like these from arising.

Your advice is sound and I appreciate it. I unfortunately do not have the emails of the people who have left, but in the future maybe I'll ask for them at some point once we've gotten close enough. All I can do for now is reach out to them on here.

I've been in this situation before. I'm really sorry you don't have another way to get in touch with them. I can 100 and 10 percent be prickly. I can be salty and I can be wickedly meddlesome. The people that know me best, love this about me but it's driven a wedge for some people before. I used to be like you where I would warn people about my behaviors. Although, I found myself setting myself up for failure. I would be like "I'm so sorry but my anxiety today." Or I'd be like.. "DAMNIT guys my raging anger is like FUUUUCK". And I could see it getting tedious to some people and sometimes I'd ghost, sometimes I'd blame them for my sadness or anger but in all honesty I had a lot to sort out and they just didn't want to hear about it. Or at least in a chat group it sounded very confusing. I have a frontal lobe brain thing. It's a slew of diagnosis that I'm not going to bore you with. However, my brain DOES get in the way sometimes. This is something I share with close people. However, I'm a bit choosy of when and where because of past experiences. People , at least people that don't have a brain like mine, just don't get it and I have to be accepting to that. I have to be patient with myself and remove myself from conversations when they get too heated. I do this as much for myself as others.

I'm glad my advice was helpful a bit. I do know it really sucks having trouble making connections. My brain makes it really hard to trust people too and make friendships. However, my suggestion of getting back in touch, I have now an eight year friendship because I reached out again. She's literally like a second sister to me. So, don't lose hope.

 

[Nostalchiq]

I've been in this situation before. I'm really sorry you don't have another way to get in touch with them. I can 100 and 10 percent be prickly. I can be salty and I can be wickedly meddlesome. The people that know me best, love this about me but it's driven a wedge for some people before. I used to be like you where I would warn people about my behaviors. Although, I found myself setting myself up for failure. I would be like "I'm so sorry but my anxiety today." Or I'd be like.. "DAMNIT guys my raging anger is like FUUUUCK". And I could see it getting tedious to some people and sometimes I'd ghost, sometimes I'd blame them for my sadness or anger but in all honesty I had a lot to sort out and they just didn't want to hear about it. Or at least in a chat group it sounded very confusing. I have a frontal lobe brain thing. It's a slew of diagnosis that I'm not going to bore you with. However, my brain DOES get in the way sometimes. This is something I share with close people. However, I'm a bit choosy of when and where because of past experiences. People , at least people that don't have a brain like mine, just don't get it and I have to be accepting to that. I have to be patient with myself and remove myself from conversations when they get too heated. I do this as much for myself as others.

I'm glad my advice was helpful a bit. I do know it really sucks having trouble making connections. My brain makes it really hard to trust people too and make friendships. However, my suggestion of getting back in touch, I have now an eight year friendship because I reached out again. She's literally like a second sister to me. So, don't lose hope.

Thank you for the insight. Your story about the right year friendship is definitely encouraging.

 

[Franklin]

Thank you for the insight. Your story about the right year friendship is definitely encouraging.

Literally we stopped talking almost years. Or it felt like. I was also going through trouble with my ailing father at that time. She was naturally hurt that I ghosted but understood, she just missed me. I had to listen to her be upset and accept it. It does and can happen

 

[Seige]

It's an unquestionably crappy feeling to have someone or multiple people at that ghost you while in the middle of a roleplay. Even more dense on a person's psyche when the roleplay is a good one that has had some time and thought put into it. But then, even as I type this I have to think back on a few times when I myself dropped a friend or two while roleplaying. Due to this I cant really be a hypocrite.

There was once or twice where I marooned my buddies roleplay like a pirate having a bad day due to life events popping up causing me to advert my attention elsewhere. I felt like a complete turd and had a hard time talking to my friend after that. Embarrassment flooded my virtue, I was afraid of what he would say. There was also one other time where I was sobering up from some poor life choices and figured I could still write; even while going through horrible withdrawals. I joined an rp, made up a character profile and was ready to get under way. As I was typing up my entrance I got scared and choked realizing I wasnt ready to get back in the game.

Ghosting will happen, it's hard to avoid. I guess it's something that I myself got use to. Deep down it still hurts but not as bad as it once did.

 

[Emotional Enigma]

I used to really hate when people ghosted me and never did it, I always let people know before I drop out of an RP. But since my mental health has taken a spiral downwards I get why people do it and no longer hate it as much. I went through a period of having no motivation to literally do anything, I even hard a time getting out of bed or reading school emails because it was so nerve wracking and I knew it would always bring stress or a new "something I have to do". I just couldn't handle all the things I had to do and everything I owed to many aspects of my life and shut down. With that being said, I understand why people do it now and I stand by a motto that says if you need a break just take one, you don't need to tell me, I get it. If you want to come back and chat later or in a few months, I'm cool with that too no RP involved.