ApfelSeine
Murder by Numbers 🏳️🌈🖥️
I've recently been quite frustrated by the amount of subtle and blatant gaslighting that I've had to endure. I often like to give people the benefit of the doubt, assuming that people rarely have malicious intent, and I stand by that. However, manipulating other people can be quite harmful, whether it is done on purpose or instinctively. I think it is important for people to be aware of what gaslighting is since it is apparently (at least in my experience) very common.
Gaslighting refers to manipulating someone psychologically, to the point where they question their own sanity. From this definition alone, it does not seem like it is something very common. After all, it isn't like everyone spends most of their life questioning whether they are insane or not. However, gaslighting tends to happen very subtly until it builds up to a point where one begins to feel uncertain and unsure of themselves. There are little, apparently meaningless instances that build up to have a bigger effect.
In general, people use the term gaslighting in connection with abusive (romantic) relationships. This is generally where gaslighting is most evident, but it is also common in parent/child and roommate relationships. And I suspect that the reason it is most common here is that these are the relationships that involve spending the most time together. More casual acquaintances may engage in gaslighting behavior, but it is more difficult to notice because it has less time to build up to an unmanageable extent.
So now, it's time for some personal examples, and part of the reason I'm making the thread in the first place (to vent, because it's annoying).
The most recent one involves a friend of mine, or more accurately a friendly acquaintance who I play dice based roleplaying with. We were recently discussing the origins of dice manufacturing and he mentioned an interesting fact.
Him: I recently learned that the ancient Egyptians created a D3.
Me: What? Really? I didn't think it was possible to make a D3. How would that even work?
Him: Yeah, it's amazing.
Me: I can see how one would create a D4, since those exist, but I don't think a D3 would be possible.
Him: No its possible.
Me: But if a D4 has 3 sides, that would mean a D3 would have to have 2 sides and that wouldn't work.
Him: I didn't say D3 I said D20.
Me: What? No, you said D3. That's why I was surprised.
Him: No I didn't. You misheard D20 as D3.
Me: I did not mishear D20 as D3.
Him: *smirking* Okay. Well anyways, the Egyptians made a D20...
I doubt this was done maliciously. He may well have thought he said D20, it is certainly what he meant to say, which is where the confusion arose from. Misspeaking happens all the time. However, rather than simply saying something like "Did I say D3? I meant D20" or even simply "I meant D20..." and then carrying on, he told me that I misheard him. He placed all the responsibility on me, when as fas as either of us could tell for absolute certain, the chance that he misspoke is equally likely as the chance that I misheard him. He also apparently misheard me when I said "D3" and was questioning how that would work, but did not acknowledge that either. Instances like this have happened several times, on top of him having a tendency to ignore me when I'm talking and then asking me to repeat myself. Suffice is to say I do not enjoy talking to him very much.
A second example I have is of my dad, who tends to pretend he never said things which he said. Particularly in the heat of the moment or when it would mean taking responsibility by apologizing. He has a very conveniently selective memory. Fortunately for me, he does not often get angry with me and so he does not often say things which he regrets. Plus I don't live with him now, so there have only been a handful of recent examples. It is much more common for him to do it with my mom though. He has a tendency to say things to her such as "Don't do that. That's the reason [ApfelSeine] doesn't want to live at home!", only to conveniently forget saying that if she or I confront him about it later on. He also will straight up say that he did things he didn't do (or say that he didn't do things that he did), such as claiming to have cleaned up the kitchen even though the piles of dirty pans and stains on the stove would suggest otherwise.
The decisions to try to escape taking responsibility end up being a form of manipulative, gaslighting behavior. Saying that you didn't say things that you did is particularly harmful because there is no way to prove it one way or the other, and so the other person is stuck choosing between not believing you or not believing themselves. There are no positive outcomes to that, so if this tends to be a thing that you do, please try to be mindful of it. If this is a thing that other people do to you, you are under no obligation to be passive about it. It is hurtful and you have a right to say so.
Anyways, that concludes my frustrated rambling venting (for now at least). Thank you to whoever read this far. Feel free to post your own experiences with gaslighting (or manipulative behavior that contributes towards gaslighting) and we can grumble about it together
Gaslighting refers to manipulating someone psychologically, to the point where they question their own sanity. From this definition alone, it does not seem like it is something very common. After all, it isn't like everyone spends most of their life questioning whether they are insane or not. However, gaslighting tends to happen very subtly until it builds up to a point where one begins to feel uncertain and unsure of themselves. There are little, apparently meaningless instances that build up to have a bigger effect.
In general, people use the term gaslighting in connection with abusive (romantic) relationships. This is generally where gaslighting is most evident, but it is also common in parent/child and roommate relationships. And I suspect that the reason it is most common here is that these are the relationships that involve spending the most time together. More casual acquaintances may engage in gaslighting behavior, but it is more difficult to notice because it has less time to build up to an unmanageable extent.
So now, it's time for some personal examples, and part of the reason I'm making the thread in the first place (to vent, because it's annoying).
The most recent one involves a friend of mine, or more accurately a friendly acquaintance who I play dice based roleplaying with. We were recently discussing the origins of dice manufacturing and he mentioned an interesting fact.
Him: I recently learned that the ancient Egyptians created a D3.
Me: What? Really? I didn't think it was possible to make a D3. How would that even work?
Him: Yeah, it's amazing.
Me: I can see how one would create a D4, since those exist, but I don't think a D3 would be possible.
Him: No its possible.
Me: But if a D4 has 3 sides, that would mean a D3 would have to have 2 sides and that wouldn't work.
Him: I didn't say D3 I said D20.
Me: What? No, you said D3. That's why I was surprised.
Him: No I didn't. You misheard D20 as D3.
Me: I did not mishear D20 as D3.
Him: *smirking* Okay. Well anyways, the Egyptians made a D20...
I doubt this was done maliciously. He may well have thought he said D20, it is certainly what he meant to say, which is where the confusion arose from. Misspeaking happens all the time. However, rather than simply saying something like "Did I say D3? I meant D20" or even simply "I meant D20..." and then carrying on, he told me that I misheard him. He placed all the responsibility on me, when as fas as either of us could tell for absolute certain, the chance that he misspoke is equally likely as the chance that I misheard him. He also apparently misheard me when I said "D3" and was questioning how that would work, but did not acknowledge that either. Instances like this have happened several times, on top of him having a tendency to ignore me when I'm talking and then asking me to repeat myself. Suffice is to say I do not enjoy talking to him very much.
A second example I have is of my dad, who tends to pretend he never said things which he said. Particularly in the heat of the moment or when it would mean taking responsibility by apologizing. He has a very conveniently selective memory. Fortunately for me, he does not often get angry with me and so he does not often say things which he regrets. Plus I don't live with him now, so there have only been a handful of recent examples. It is much more common for him to do it with my mom though. He has a tendency to say things to her such as "Don't do that. That's the reason [ApfelSeine] doesn't want to live at home!", only to conveniently forget saying that if she or I confront him about it later on. He also will straight up say that he did things he didn't do (or say that he didn't do things that he did), such as claiming to have cleaned up the kitchen even though the piles of dirty pans and stains on the stove would suggest otherwise.
The decisions to try to escape taking responsibility end up being a form of manipulative, gaslighting behavior. Saying that you didn't say things that you did is particularly harmful because there is no way to prove it one way or the other, and so the other person is stuck choosing between not believing you or not believing themselves. There are no positive outcomes to that, so if this tends to be a thing that you do, please try to be mindful of it. If this is a thing that other people do to you, you are under no obligation to be passive about it. It is hurtful and you have a right to say so.
Anyways, that concludes my frustrated rambling venting (for now at least). Thank you to whoever read this far. Feel free to post your own experiences with gaslighting (or manipulative behavior that contributes towards gaslighting) and we can grumble about it together
