Opinion Do you find it’s hard to make friends?

[BlossomsOfRainbows]

Curious question. Do you find it hard to meet and make new friends? For me it’s basically impossible in real life. My social anxiety levels are just way too high and I often freeze up or go mute (selective mutism) when I try to approach someone. Online it’s a *little* easier, but I still get really nervous.

Yesterday though I got mad at one of my best (online) friends on Instagram, so I reached out to two of my mutuals that I had never talked to but really wanted to for the longest time. I’m talking to one of them currently and they seem really cool.

 

[scorpiodragon]

I have a slew of mental illnesses and am shy. I have zero social skills as well, moving around every 2-3 years probably didn't help matters as I was always the new child in school. I don't do well in crowds and with my depression, anxiety and PTSD it has me distrustful of men in general. But yeah, I try making friends and have little to no luck. Just don't have the same interests as everyone else I guess.

 

[Simon_Hawk]

I have some friends from back-in-the-day that I still hang out and game with. Meeting new people is hard because it's just not the same after having so much history with the old group of people.

 

[Kurotsuki]

I have quite a few mental issues that make it hard to interact with people (clinical depression, anxiety, constant mood swings and fluctuating personality to name a few). That's what a lot of people will say, but in my case there's a bit more to it. I'm an ambivert, in the sense that I HAVE to have social interaction but also lack the motivation/confidence to talk to anyone.
Caffeine literally controls whether I'm introverted or extroverted; if I don't have caffeine I'm introverted and my depression is worse, however if I do have caffeine I'm extroverted, way too talkative, and my anxiety is worse. There's no winning, and no in-between. So yeah.

 

[Murdergurl]

Nah. I make "friends" fast and easy wherever I go. Be it jobs or events. My hubby's family loves me and I was piss drunk the first time I met them all. At my last job, even the manager buddied up to me. Probably because we were the only ones over 28 years old, and we both were into metal. But even then, all the other employees liked me too. They were always inviting me to parties and such on their days off. I actually used to be a big party girl before i had my kiddo, so I knew people all over the place from all sorts of different circles: Ravers, punkers, metalheads, bikers, hippies, thugs, etc. etc.

But, thats all kinda behind me now. I do the mommy thing, and don't really go out too much anymore. I've pulled back my "friends" to just a few that I really, really liked and the rest have fallen back into their own lives without me in it. sometimes I'll chide in on some bs on facebook occasionally, if i still have them added. But overall, it's a chapter I finished. I have no regrets. I did enough partying for three lifetimes.

 

[Idea]

I have trouble making friends IRL, but I can do it fairly easily online (albeit what constitutes a friend online for me is a lot more loose than what I might want from a friend IRL). For me the main differences are information and shared interests.

Online, you can learn a lot about someone from their profile. You can pick up on interests and general attitude from their choices in how they built their profile, and posts often reflect someone's persona. Yes, I know people act different online than IRL, but I also think it's pretty naive to believe people don't put up masks or are more honest IRL. You're the same person either way, just trying to fit in wherever you are. If anything, you can express your real self more freely online than IRL. But I digress....
The point is that online you have a lot of information, but my memory's kind of shit, and it's shit towards two things in particular: Dates and names. It takes me a long time to remember anyone's name IRL. Now I already am a reserved person with too much self-awareness for my own good, but add on that that I forget what someone is called midway through conversations even if they told me their name in that very same conversation, and what you get is someone who can't engage with people on a regular basis, because I need a prompt, a topic to talk about. I can't call out to them because I don't know their name, unless I do have a topic, and it can really quickly become apparent that I don't know the other person's name.

Then there's shared interests. Online you pretty much exclusively meet with people who share at least 1 interest with you- if you're in an RPing site like this one, you can expect the person to at the very least share your interest in roleplaying, even if that interest isn't expressed in the same way yours is. If I go into a youtube comment section, there's a good chance the people commenting there have an interest in the topic of the video, and even the channel that put it out. IRL, however, not only can you not be certain you and the other person have anything in common at all (yeah, if we go to college together we can talk about college- but that kind of topic is usually limited to rants and the sort of question your grandma asks when they haven't seen you for a while), and you are much more easily judged on a number of things.

 

[Murdergurl]

I have trouble making friends IRL, but I can do it fairly easily online (albeit what constitutes a friend online for me is a lot more loose than what I might want from a friend IRL). For me the main differences are information and shared interests.

Online, you can learn a lot about someone from their profile. You can pick up on interests and general attitude from their choices in how they built their profile, and posts often reflect someone's persona. Yes, I know people act different online than IRL, but I also think it's pretty naive to believe people don't put up masks or are more honest IRL. You're the same person either way, just trying to fit in wherever you are. If anything, you can express your real self more freely online than IRL. But I digress....
The point is that online you have a lot of information, but my memory's kind of shit, and it's shit towards two things in particular: Dates and names. It takes me a long time to remember anyone's name IRL. Now I already am a reserved person with too much self-awareness for my own good, but add on that that I forget what someone is called midway through conversations even if they told me their name in that very same conversation, and what you get is someone who can't engage with people on a regular basis, because I need a prompt, a topic to talk about. I can't call out to them because I don't know their name, unless I do have a topic, and it can really quickly become apparent that I don't know the other person's name.

Then there's shared interests. Online you pretty much exclusively meet with people who share at least 1 interest with you- if you're in an RPing site like this one, you can expect the person to at the very least share your interest in roleplaying, even if that interest isn't expressed in the same way yours is. If I go into a youtube comment section, there's a good chance the people commenting there have an interest in the topic of the video, and even the channel that put it out. IRL, however, not only can you not be certain you and the other person have anything in common at all (yeah, if we go to college together we can talk about college- but that kind of topic is usually limited to rants and the sort of question your grandma asks when they haven't seen you for a while), and you are much more easily judged on a number of things.

This is interesting, as I tend to be generally disinclined to try to make friends online. The way I see it, everyone makes this profile of themselves on social media that is a very manicured and pretentious version of themselves. They only put up the things you want others to see, and you don't get to know who they actually are. Like, I've had friends that I knew for years, but looking at their profiles on facebook, you would think they were of a completely different lifestyle that what they are promoting of themselves. Even comments can be tailored on these sites, so if people disagree with you, you can delete their comments and make it look like everyone just loves the crap you post with no contention. It's all kind of a sham, tbh. You don't know who you're really talking to. At least here in the RP scene, we KNOW we are donning fictional personas in our IC threads. But out there in the rest of the internet, people are always pretending to just be a certain version of themselves. They roleplay and they don't even realize it. And since you only get to see them through their filter, you never get the real them. Hence, I make acquaintances online and I make friends irl.

 

[Idea]

This is interesting, as I tend to be generally disinclined to try to make friends online. The way I see it, everyone makes this profile of themselves on social media that is a very manicured and pretentious version of themselves. They only put up the things you want others to see, and you don't get to know who they actually are. Like, I've had friends that I knew for years, but looking at their profiles on facebook, you would think they were of a completely different lifestyle that what they are promoting of themselves. Even comments can be tailored on these sites, so if people disagree with you, you can delete their comments and make it look like everyone just loves the crap you post with no contention. It's all kind of a sham, tbh. You don't know who you're really talking to. At least here in the RP scene, we KNOW we are donning fictional personas in our IC threads. But out there in the rest of the internet, people are always pretending to just be a certain version of themselves. They roleplay and they don't even realize it. And since you only get to see them through their filter, you never get the real them. Hence, I make acquaintances online and I make friends irl.

Here’s how I see it: people IRL are trying to make that exact same thing, just less successfully. And that to me, makes it harder to tell not easier, what they really think. IRL you might think: was that genuine or fake? The things that seem out of place can just that as easily be fake as they be a slip of the tongue.

But online, as long as you know not to take it all at face value, people’s greater control actually shows more of their character. If someone is wiping clean all criticism comments, does that itself not show they are someone who’d rather hide criticism than confront it or learn from it? If they only show certain sides of themselves, does that not show they find that’s the side of themselves they prefer? Who you really are is not manifested in what you say, but in what you do and choose.

 

[Murdergurl]

Here’s how I see it: people IRL are trying to make that exact same thing, just less successfully.

Agreed. And that lack of success in hiding themselves is the reason I'd want to see a person face-to-face.

And that to me, makes it harder to tell not easier, what they really think. IRL you might think: was that genuine or fake? The things that seem out of place can just that as easily be fake as they be a slip of the tongue.

It's not just words that give a person away. Sure, someone can screw up through a posted message just as easily as they could through speech. But it's body language that gets hidden. As a society grown overly accustomed to online interaction as a form of socialization, I think people forget how to read body language. We don't even get to see a face, so there is nothing to interpret. We don't hear the tone of a message either. So much is lost through electronic communication.

But online, as long as you know not to take it all at face value, people’s greater control actually shows more of their character. If someone is wiping clean all criticism comments, does that itself not show they are someone who’d rather hide criticism than confront it or learn from it? If they only show certain sides of themselves, does that not show they find that’s the side of themselves they prefer? Who you really are is not manifested in what you say, but in what you do and choose.

You only know they are cleaning their posts if you catch them in the act. I've only seen it done a handful of times. I've seen some friends do this from their side of the screen, too. It's led me to understand that a lot of people probably do this. But who? For all the ones I've caught, there are probably dozens that I haven't. So everyone is a possible charlatan. If I were to look at the profiles of my friends and make a call on their personalities and lifestyles just on what I see on the screen, it is worlds different from who they are in real life. The more "truthful" ones, are honestly the ones that don't really socialize through that media and would rather give you a call than comment on your status update.

I do agree that a person is the sum of their actions. But with online communications, so many of those actions are lost or hidden, and you are left with much less to ascertain a person. irl social interaction is done through a masquerade as it is. But once you add in the veil of online presence to screen who you are and how you present yourself, the whole thing is that much more convoluted. The side a person shows online as their preference, isn't necessarilly who they are. On the contrary, it s rarely who they are. It's just who they WANT everyone to think they are. And since it is online, we have a much, much harder time making our own judgements through their filters.

 

[Phantom Phoenix]

Yes. I'm not going to say all, but most people be it in real life or online, will not show their true selves. It's a facade really. I'm naturally hesitant to open up/want to be near people who have no problem/trouble bending the truth to suit their needs.

 

[calypso]

I think it's silly to hold this idea that 'most people' will not show their true selves. It's not a façade, it's just understanding what to share, and when.

If I meet someone new, I'm not going to tell them, for example, that I recently lost a loved one and I'm actually very depressed about it, and the cheery persona I put on to new people is so I don't upset them or overshare. That would just be inappropriate. It's not a matter of bending the truth to suit needs, it's the fact that people are like onions. (Fun reference.) People have layers of their personality that they slowly peel back the longer they know someone, whether it's good or bad. When I meet someone new, I don't want to potentially make them uncomfortable by mentioning flaws I may have. (For another example, I could get very anxious and suffer from anxiety attacks.) That's just oversharing information, and honestly, sometimes you don't want to share everything about yourself to someone new.

I've seen a lot of people echo this idea of cynicism towards people and how people are innately just going to lie or make themselves look good for ulterior reasons, when it's really just what you're comfortable sharing to someone you're just getting to know. If you go into life thinking everyone is out to get you or is trying to use you for their own need, you might need some help. Because that's not normal. It is not healthy to go through life with such a worrisome idea.

And I get it, I really do. There are bad people in the world who are mean for no reason, and are self-serving. But to take their actions and apply them to everyone around you, and project this idea that their kindness is not genuine is just awful.

To add on, I also think the internet warps the perception people have of others. It's so much easier for people to be assholes online, but don't take the assholes you see online for the rest of the world. We see a select amount of people online based on our activities, so it can seem like so many people in the world are just jerks online but nice in real life. Which I mean, sure. There are people who hide behind screens to type mean messages or trick others. But there are millions of OTHER people who don't do that.

This touches a bit close to home, as I plan to mainly delve into social psychology. There's so much information about this stuff that we believe because it's our own image of the world, but I think a lot of time people also forget others have existed before you met them. Everyone has had a unique experience with life, and to grind human nature and kindness down to just a façade isn't right.

 

[Murdergurl]

I think it's silly to hold this idea that 'most people' will not show their true selves. It's not a façade, it's just understanding what to share, and when.

If I meet someone new, I'm not going to tell them, for example, that I recently lost a loved one and I'm actually very depressed about it, and the cheery persona I put on to new people is so I don't upset them or overshare. That would just be inappropriate. It's not a matter of bending the truth to suit needs, it's the fact that people are like onions. (Fun reference.) People have layers of their personality that they slowly peel back the longer they know someone, whether it's good or bad. When I meet someone new, I don't want to potentially make them uncomfortable by mentioning flaws I may have. (For another example, I could get very anxious and suffer from anxiety attacks.) That's just oversharing information, and honestly, sometimes you don't want to share everything about yourself to someone new.

I gotta say, that I actually made it a point to talk about my bad traits along with anything good when meeting people. In fact when I first met my husband, I divulged a LOT of my negative points. The way I figured it, I had more than enough friends, and I didn't need to waste time on people who couldn't handle all my crazy shit. So I just put it out there. Some would excuse themselves from my life. No big deal. But believe it or not, a LOT of people actually appreciate the transparency and up-front blatancy that I give up. People trust you when you show them that you dont hide yourself. Anything they asked, I told em. Even if I thought they might not like or approve. It sounds counterproductive, but in the end I had tons of people on friendly terms pretty much everywhere I would go. Sure not everyone likes that, but those are just the people that aren't compatible with me. YOu can't win em' all, and you shouldn't expect to. At that point in my life, I really didn't have room for tentative people, anyway. On any given drunken night, I was almost always had people I knew at a venue that were willing to watch my back and visa versa. I crashed at houses all the time and stayed with people when I was down and out. I of course had no problem reciprocating when I was able to help. I have beenn asked for advice and help in matters of sensitive nature... and all these people I met with a "This is the mess that is my life, take it or leave it" approach.

So yeah, not hiding myself and throwing everything out there has actually worked pretty well for me. I understand it's not for everyone though.

 

[Phantom Phoenix]

I am not sure if you are referencing my post. You are entitled to your opinion and that is fine. I'm also entitled to mine. That is how I personally feel from several experiences with most of the people I have known. I did not say all people, I said most. In order for you to understand how I feel and why I wrote what I did, you would have had to step into my shoes. I'll just leave it at that.

I think it's silly to hold this idea that 'most people' will not show their true selves. It's not a façade, it's just understanding what to share, and when.

If I meet someone new, I'm not going to tell them, for example, that I recently lost a loved one and I'm actually very depressed about it, and the cheery persona I put on to new people is so I don't upset them or overshare. That would just be inappropriate. It's not a matter of bending the truth to suit needs, it's the fact that people are like onions. (Fun reference.) People have layers of their personality that they slowly peel back the longer they know someone, whether it's good or bad. When I meet someone new, I don't want to potentially make them uncomfortable by mentioning flaws I may have. (For another example, I could get very anxious and suffer from anxiety attacks.) That's just oversharing information, and honestly, sometimes you don't want to share everything about yourself to someone new.

I've seen a lot of people echo this idea of cynicism towards people and how people are innately just going to lie or make themselves look good for ulterior reasons, when it's really just what you're comfortable sharing to someone you're just getting to know. If you go into life thinking everyone is out to get you or is trying to use you for their own need, you might need some help. Because that's not normal. It is not healthy to go through life with such a worrisome idea.

And I get it, I really do. There are bad people in the world who are mean for no reason, and are self-serving. But to take their actions and apply them to everyone around you, and project this idea that their kindness is not genuine is just awful.

To add on, I also think the internet warps the perception people have of others. It's so much easier for people to be assholes online, but don't take the assholes you see online for the rest of the world. We see a select amount of people online based on our activities, so it can seem like so many people in the world are just jerks online but nice in real life. Which I mean, sure. There are people who hide behind screens to type mean messages or trick others. But there are millions of OTHER people who don't do that.

This touches a bit close to home, as I plan to mainly delve into social psychology. There's so much information about this stuff that we believe because it's our own image of the world, but I think a lot of time people also forget others have existed before you met them. Everyone has had a unique experience with life, and to grind human nature and kindness down to just a façade isn't right.

 

[calypso]

I gotta say, that I actually made it a point to talk about my bad traits along with anything good when meeting people. In fact when I first met my husband, I divulged a LOT of my negative points. The way I figured it, I had more than enough friends, and I didn't need to waste time on people who couldn't handle all my crazy shit. So I just put it out there. Some would excuse themselves from my life. No big deal. But believe it or not, a LOT of people actually appreciate the transparency and up-front blatancy that I give up. People trust you when you show them that you dont hide yourself. Anything they asked, I told em. Even if I thought they might not like or approve. It sounds counterproductive, but in the end I had tons of people on friendly terms pretty much everywhere I would go. Sure not everyone likes that, but those are just the people that aren't compatible with me. YOu can't win em' all, and you shouldn't expect to. At that point in my life, I really didn't have room for tentative people, anyway. On any given drunken night, I was almost always had people I knew at a venue that were willing to watch my back and visa versa. I crashed at houses all the time and stayed with people when I was down and out. I of course had no problem reciprocating when I was able to help. I have beenn asked for advice and help in matters of sensitive nature... and all these people I met with a "This is the mess that is my life, take it or leave it" approach.

So yeah, not hiding myself and throwing everything out there has actually worked pretty well for me. I understand it's not for everyone though.

I'm fairly nuanced on this mindset. I think if it works for both parties, then it works. I agree on sharing certain things, like say political ideas on dates or what not. You want to know who you're getting involved with on a fundamental level, but it's also okay for people to not want to share private information for the first time either. (Depending on what the information is, as there's so many things people might find important that others don't, and vice-versa.) As long as both parties can benefit from the interaction on what's shared, I don't see it as negative. Even if the benefit is going 'Oh, I don't think we'll work out. We're too different." I'm more so talking about a mindset that if someone doesn't share something with you instantly or 'hides' a less than desirable part about themselves, that they're hiding their true selves or it's all just a façade. I've seen a recent upsurge in an idea that when people display kindness to a stranger, that the person is only doing such an act to make themselves feel better and boost their social status. That there isn't a genuine kindness, and people are always out to get something that'll only benefit them, if that makes sense.

 

[calypso]

I am not sure if you are referencing my post. You are entitled to your opinion and that is fine. I'm also entitled to mine. That is how I personally feel from several experiences with most of the people I have known. I did not say all people, I said most. In order for you to understand how I feel and why I wrote what I did, you would have had to step into my shoes. I'll just leave it at that.

I can certainly agree with the fact that I will never know what experiences you've gone through, and even mention so in my post. Every person has a unique experience with life that shapes their ideas, but I also think it's good idea to be careful with your wording. When you say 'Most, but not all,' it's implying that a good majority of people act in the way you describe. I get it, I've been hurt before and it makes it hard to trust people. It's hard to make friends and be yourself when you feel like being yourself is what got you hurt in the first place, but I also know that not everyone is like that. If one constantly thinks they'll run into bad people and that they can't trust anyone, that's what they're going to find.

I can't change your experiences or your opinions even, since they're based on your experiences. However, I can tell you that there are people out there you can trust, as well as people you can't trust. You don't have to tell someone you just meet everything about you, you can peel away slowly at what you want over time. For every person that can hurt you, there's another person out there who'll make you feel welcome. Life is just full of those experiences, and I don't feel they're skewed either way. You'll just find what you're looking for a bit easier.

 

[Hallow]

I don't have social anxiety but sometimes I can get into periods of mania, and it feels strange trying to get along with someone who isn't in that same state. I remember having a rather intense hug with an associate in the rain, which happened just as inexplicably as a knee jerk due to a hammering.

I also hold grudges for long times, unless a person apologizes for something I will silently hold it over them in my head and laugh at their slight gaffes.

 

[Phantom Phoenix]

I can certainly agree with the fact that I will never know what experiences you've gone through, and even mention so in my post. Every person has a unique experience with life that shapes their ideas, but I also think it's good idea to be careful with your wording. When you say 'Most, but not all,' it's implying that a good majority of people act in the way you describe. I get it, I've been hurt before and it makes it hard to trust people. It's hard to make friends and be yourself when you feel like being yourself is what got you hurt in the first place, but I also know that not everyone is like that. If one constantly thinks they'll run into bad people and that they can't trust anyone, that's what they're going to find.

I can't change your experiences or your opinions even, since they're based on your experiences. However, I can tell you that there are people out there you can trust, as well as people you can't trust. You don't have to tell someone you just meet everything about you, you can peel away slowly at what you want over time. For every person that can hurt you, there's another person out there who'll make you feel welcome. Life is just full of those experiences, and I don't feel they're skewed either way. You'll just find what you're looking for a bit easier.

I want to thank you for your message. I appreciate it.

 

[calypso]

I want to thank you for your message. I appreciate it.

It's no problem! I didn't mean to come off as so brash in my original message, but hopefully it was not taken as a attack. I just hope people try to see both sides of the same coin when it comes to finding new friends, and people who you can trust. They're out there, and everything should come at a speed you're comfortable with.

 

[Phantom Phoenix]

It's no problem! I didn't mean to come off as so brash in my original message, but hopefully it was not taken as a attack. I just hope people try to see both sides of the same coin when it comes to finding new friends, and people who you can trust. They're out there, and everything should come at a speed you're comfortable with.

Not at all, don't worry.
I realize now I have work within myself to do when it comes to trust and trying to make friends.

 

[Murdergurl]

I've seen a recent upsurge in an idea that when people display kindness to a stranger, that the person is only doing such an act to make themselves feel better and boost their social status. That there isn't a genuine kindness, and people are always out to get something that'll only benefit them, if that makes sense.

I know exactly what you're talking about. Peeps giving out stuff to the homeless or paying for people's groceries and putting up videos of their acts. While it's a great instance for the ones that benefitted from said act of "kindness", these people are showcasing themselves to prop up their egos and deserve no accolades.

 

[Wert]

I know exactly what you're talking about. Peeps giving out stuff to the homeless or paying for people's groceries and putting up videos of their acts. While it's a great instance for the ones that benefitted from said act of "kindness", these people are showcasing themselves to prop up their egos and deserve no accolades.

I'm pretty sure this is the negative mindset Foxgloves was talking about.


In my opinion, kindness should be praised, even if it's showcased. Because it encourages others to act on kindness, which benefits more people than it harms. If you benefit from an act of kindness, so what? It's still more than what some people are willing to do or are capable of doing.

 

[Minako]

I am cripplingly shy online and off, and though I do my best to treat everyone reasonably and with kindness.... Thaaaaaaat doesn’t quite mean I go out of my way to make new buddies...

I may not have a lot, or what some (or most) would consider a lot, but I’ve got enough to keep me satisfied... at least for now.

“Once bitten, twice shy”, and boy howdy do I know the dangers of naively inviting toxic people into my life.

Surprisingly, shyness does not leave one open to be a good judge of character, and that is essential for establishing (and keeping) healthy relationships.

I’m almost relieved when I drift apart from others or am just not preferred or talked to as much as others because “it could be worse”... And I know “WORSE” would mentally scar me (also, I don’t go challenging the universe TO make it worse...)

Maybe I shouldn’t be content, and in the future when I have more confidence I’ll be more out-going, but despite finding it extremely, extremely difficult to make friends, I’m happy with the ones I have so far and I’m more interested in nurturing those relationships with those I trust than strangers who... might not end up being the best for me, ahaaa

 

[N-On-E-Mus]

Ay op?

It’s just hard for me to talk to ppl
I always just end up freezing up, because I don’t know what to say, and whatever I do say, it seems to end the conversation
And I always just get so goddamn nervous

 

[Wing-it-Gal]

Me personally, I am very slow to open up to people in real life. There are some people I just naturally feel more comfortable with, but then, there are times when I am too nervous to set up a time to meet up.

Online is easier but I always have my expectations pretty low I guess, but I am still open for the possibility of a friendship.

 

[Alaver]

Yes. It's more difficult for me irl since I'm less articulate verbally, but both on and offline it's hard for me to open up if it's not a one on one conversation. In a group, I get tangled in expectations. Get me alone, and I'm much more candid and charismatic, especially online.