Advice/Help [CLOSED: I am now editing it, thanks for the help!]

[KatrinaPride]

I originally wrote this character to be unstable and obsessive, but reading back on, it's a bit too straight forward. Some advice and help on rewriting the character sheet while still keeping the spirit of the character would be nice. And hey, some adjustments to my sheets lay out are accepted too!

Hannah Bethingam This should take you to the drive where her sheet is. Give it a look-see, and either comment or DM me your critiques, I need some serious help here.

 

[zippy]

I mean the main advice anyone could give you would be to elaborate. Her personality is far too vague. You say she can be sweet and quiet. How is she sweet? What mannerisms or actions does she have/do that make this descriptor valid? If she’s “slipping more and more Everyday”, why is she still sweet? You say “later she becomes more forward”, but what does this mean?

In the bio. Why are her parents dead? By this I mean both how did they die and is this a necessary part of the story. Right now it runs the risk of simply being a trope. What does it look like to say she’s “slipping”? Is it that she makes mistakes in things she’s normally great at? Or is she becoming more and more bitter? This part goes back to the personality. Basically, I think you just state things but you don’t explain why or how it applies to your character. Leaving the appearance of the character being kind of bland despite thefact that you have lots of additional information.

 

[KatrinaPride]

I mean the main advice anyone could give you would be to elaborate. Her personality is far too vague. You say she can be sweet and quiet. How is she sweet? What mannerisms or actions does she have/do that make this descriptor valid? If she’s “slipping more and more Everyday”, why is she still sweet? You say “later she becomes more forward”, but what does this mean?

In the bio. Why are her parents dead? By this I mean both how did they die and is this a necessary part of the story. Right now it runs the risk of simply being a trope. What does it look like to say she’s “slipping”? Is it that she makes mistakes in things she’s normally great at? Or is she becoming more and more bitter? This part goes back to the personality. Basically, I think you just state things but you don’t explain why or how it applies to your character. Leaving the appearance of the character being kind of bland despite thefact that you have lots of additional information.

I suppose elaboration could be a big part of what I did wrong. I made this character a long time ago and now I want to get her back in action, but everything about the character sheet looks like, yuck. I'm thinking of just doing an entire re-haul of my character sheet and than rewriting her.

 

[Crayons]

I second zippy here. What is the "spirit" of her character? Having a description of her personality that is barely a sentence gives us no idea about this character at all. I feel like you really need to get down who she is and what makes her tick. A bit about her history would also be useful. At the moment, this isn't really a character at all, so it's not surprising you're having trouble with her. Think of her as a real person and try to get in her head a little.

If you're going to write a list of phobias with obscure words you should also write in brackets what those words mean, or just not use them. I consider myself to have a pretty reasonable vocabulary but I don't know what they are and I'm not going to go looking them up just for this. Nor will anyone else unless they are really invested in your character.

Why is there a section for bust size? I mean.... really?

My suggestion would be to write some more about her and then ask for feedback. She's a blank slate right now. I don't mind if you want to tag me in when you've got some more. Good luck!

 

[Pith]

I agree with the prior advice (tho hey, if you wanna list bust you do you, it just sometimes gives the impression the character is made for ERPs).

So when you say "spirit of the character" what I'm taking away is that you want the character to be obsessive and unstable. If that's the case, it might be a good idea determine how and why that will be accomplished. I understand the appeal of just having a good-'ol crazy character for the sake of fun, but that sort of character is going to be read as probably mentally ill in some shape or form. People can take issues with that, so you need to determine where you stand.

I will say, obsessive compulsions often come from a need for control. Given that she has no parents, that's a good starting point to explore. How did she lose her mom? What role has her father played, if any? How has she survived all this time? This will color her interactions with others, as well as give some insight to the depth of honesty she has with her work friends. Does she keep their interactions light because she doesn't want to scare them off? Has she gotten honest before and how did people react? Did they leave too?

How is she trying to control her world, and how well is she succeeding? Is that why she's 'slipping' ? And what will that look like? Since you've listed hobby-stuff along the lines of ~murder~ (and I get that you made her years ago), does she /want/ to murder someone? Why? How does this affect her interactions with others?

Hopefully something helps in this mess, sorry. I totally get what it's like to want to re-work the shell of an older character. Personally I find it really fun and rewarding, so I wish you luck.

 

[Malphaestus]

It may seem novel at first, but changing your character template is a good start. Convert her information in new words from the old template to the new.

 

[still watching fma]

I originally wrote this character to be unstable and obsessive, but reading back on, it's a bit too straight forward. Some advice and help on rewriting the character sheet while still keeping the spirit of the character would be nice. And hey, some adjustments to my sheets lay out are accepted too!

Hannah Bethingam This should take you to the drive where her sheet is. Give it a look-see, and either comment or DM me your critiques, I need some serious help here.

My biggest piece of advice I could ever give you, is to show, not tell. For instance, in your bio you may want to show a day in her life. If Catoptrophobia is the fear of mirrors, perhaps she could live in a house with no mirrors and a grand mirror in her room that is shattered. Perhaps if she is slow to warm up to people, you could show her as a person who has little friends and is closest to her caregiver. If she like flowers and sweet smells, have her put out a sweet smelling candle just as she wakes up and describe the scent saturated room in a manner that perhaps, puts off her caregiver.

It may read like a short chapter of a novel, but it will be more interesting to read and be more subtle. You can still have her be obsessive for whatever reason, but trying to imply it through a variety of observable actions and qualities in her everyday life will convey that much better than a list.