Character Critique Thread

@welian


I do have 5 CCP left if you're counting the Babu Prompt. I'll do it! And yeah, the mass murder does feel a bit... edgy, if I do say so myself. I'll water the number down, re-edit some stuff.


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Damafaud said:
@welian




I'm finally finished with it!
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Okay, I'm not CC BUT waaaaay back when this RP started and I had posted Cecilia's CS for the OOC people to check (Yes, we didn't have a fancy committee and such!), I was told my personality trait descriptions were too short, that they needed more 'meat'.


So that is my suggestion for you, write a bit more in the personality traits.


Do keep in mind this is a suggestion and Musician's character 'Jennifer' for example has short personality traits as well so... *shrugs* But, that's what I was told to do very very long ago (A year!) >w<
 
Gus said:
OK! feedback time.


@DeKay I am fine with Ioanna coming back. That said, I read her over anyway, and I have two suggestions. Maybe drop intelligence to 3 or even 2 to pump up defense? 3 Def does not see like enough to survive impacts at the speed of sound? I would go with 2 2 5 7 2 2 1.  There is also some concern on the committee that her past is a little darker than fits the evolved tone of the story, if that makes sense? Not saying you can't be grandfathered in, just maybe tone down the edginess a little bit, or throw in a detail about arrest happening say, five years ago, and having tried hard to reform in Juvenile lock up, getting released to AEGIS and really hoping to turn over a new leaf. I think that fits her dialog way back in episode 2, but what do you think?


@las0r0o7  Zabara still needs some work. First, a minor note, glass cannon seems an odd codename. It's a trope, but pro tip, don't advertise to the bad guys that you go down in one hit with your codename. Black lighting might be a bit on the nose, but maybe would be better flavor?  Second, glad to see you are willing to tone down the power level, but as described, energy 3 doesn't really cut it.  Rule of thumb, 3 is equivalent to a hand gun. What you describe sounds like at least a 6. If you want to stay at C rank, I'd suggest 1 2 1 4 2 2 6, dropping the strength and health to reflect the 'glass cannon angle, and pumping the agility to reflect the enhanced reflexes.  Honestly though, he sounds more like a B rank, so I would go with B and do stats as 1 2 1 6 3 2 6. 


Next up, drop the electrical empowerment. As you stress the deleterious effects of 'black' lightning, it does not make sense that you can get stronger from absorbing electricity. The whole flavor of the character is of electricity as a destructive force, which is cool, but then turning around and using it as source of strength cuts against that idea.  Maybe instead you could have a supporting power of ruining any electronics you touch? Burning things out and breaking them down is more in flavor. 


Drop the 'ricochet off of metal before seeking out the target' thing. That smacks of auto hitting and godmodding and will not be tolerated. 


Limitations need to limit the power, so the gauntlets that make you stronger with a 9 volt battery does not count. Neither does armor. And the third one feels a little shifty as well. 


Maybe try something like: 


Exhaustion: Zabara can only recharge by eating and sleeping like a normal person, and using his powers literally makes him sick. After a major fight, he might end up hospitalized while his body heals and recharges. 


EMF sensitivity: Being around electrical devices makes him ill and irritable. Sometimes he can't resist the urge to short out everything nearby just so the headaches will stop.


That is the sort of thing that counts as limitations. I suggest those as being in flavor with the 'negative harmful' aspects of electricity, as well as playing into the glass cannon angle, but feel free to go a different way. Just understand that drawbacks need to be drawbacks, not backdoor ways to smuggle in extra powers.


@KingHink


  I feel like we already talked about Ernest. Do you need suggestions for negative traits? I seem to recall 'cold blooded' being tossed about.  Let me know if you want to workshop him in the CC channel. I would like to see him pioneer 'bad-assert' as a D rank power also.


@Stickdom Are you still around? I'd like to see claire in the RP, but not going to spend a lot of time in review if you have lost interest. Give a shout out either way?


@Nick Ton Cutter Reinforcing what J said above, maybe make it clear that your five energy allows you to assign at most 4  points extra to any one stat, limited by the emotions of people around you. Is splitting it up to four ways possible?  You need a hard return near the bottom to make it clear you have three limitations. As formatted it looks like two. Lastly, great work on rounding out history and relationships. Would you like some help wordsmithing that? If so reach out to me in PM. I used to teach english as a second language and I enjoy working with people to clarify their meanings and help with idioms and other details.  The meaning is clear enough I think, but I'd be happy to help polish it up if you want.


@Lioness075 I like the idea of a shapeshifter very much.  Two main questions occur to me: How long does the shifting take? You can maintain for an hour or two, but how long does each transition take? You say you can't change during a fight, so I am picturing like a minute or so in either direction, but that should be clarified. 


Second, Stats. …stats, stats, stats.  I like the loss of 1 intelligence, but is that all? It seems like that power needs more flexibility.  What about this:


Human form is C rank: 2 2 2 3 2 3 4, representing an above average normal with energy for shifting.Then your animal forms could reach up to maximum of A rank, giving you a 7 point reserve to play with (including the -1 intelligence, which would be locked in, along with a minimum of 4 energy for shifting back.)


So lion could be 3 5 3 5 1 3 4 (A rank, 24 points) while an Eagle could be 2 2 2 6 1 3 4 (20 points B rank) and a skunk could be 1 1 1 2 1 4 6  (C rank 16 points)


Sparrow is 1 1 1 5 1 2 4 (D rank 15 points)  Earthworm 1 1 1 1 1 1 4 (E rank 10 points)  This is fun! I could go all day, but will stop here.


OOOH! brainblast! What if each shift reduced your energy by one for the day? So for five shifts you'd need five energy, or you could limit it to four per day.  


OOOH OOOOH! Better yet, make it so that each shift costs you energy equal to the increase in rank! So lion costs two energy, but eagle only costs one. And skunk costs zero.  And an hour as a sparrow might get you one energy back again? So you could go Lion --> Human --> Earthworm --> Human --> Lion indefinitely :D


Just throwing those ideas out there, and speaking only as myself, not on behalf of CC here. Stat shifting is… tricksy.  I had to do a LOT of work to get Kate and Manami approved, both because of this idea of changeable stats.  I think this could be a direction forward. Let me know what you think, and I will bounce the idea around the CC also. 
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Yes, please. That would be really helpful, and that way it will greatly help me to improve my English !


Sorry for the late response by the way, i'm going to check Ignis CS asap !
 
Necessity4Fun said:
Okay, I'm not CC BUT waaaaay back when this RP started and I had posted Cecilia's CS for the OOC people to check (Yes, we didn't have a fancy committee and such!), I was told my personality trait descriptions were too short, that they needed more 'meat'.


So that is my suggestion for you, write a bit more in the personality traits.


Do keep in mind this is a suggestion and Musician's character 'Jennifer' for example has short personality traits as well so... *shrugs* But, that's what I was told to do very very long ago (A year!) >w<
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Thanks for the help!


I'm still fixing it up bits by bits, so every help is aprreciated.
 
AxelVanDeriz said:
https://www.rpnation.com/threads/drak-b.315605/ My Dear Blaze, hope you enjoy him. :)
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Woo! Sorry it took me a while to get around to looking at him. I'm just gonna slam a whole list of stuff in front of you, most of it nitpicking, so don't panic, okay?
  • Image: Go ahead and put a character image of him on the left, where that big blank default image is. That's my filler image, so that the column doesn't disappear on me for being empty, and so that people know to put their character image there.
  • Stats: If you know how to color the tic marks to indicate stats, please do so, otherwise one of us would be happy to help out.
  • General: Everything's good here!
  • Appearance: Are his eyes naturally purple, or is that because of his powers? Either way is fine, just know that at least one person in-character is gonna be like "dude how the fuck did you get purple eyes" XD
  • Biography: Replace the bolded "Personality Trait" labels with the names of his traits, such as Kindness, and Stubborn. Also, if you can, fluff up his history with a few more details about his life.
  • Relationships: Naturally, Blaze isn't going to know any player characters at first, but I'd like for you to put one or two family members' names in there, if he has any family.
  • Superpowers: Looking good! We talked a lot about them in Discord, so no problem there.
  • Skills: Blaze is a math nerd? Ewww.... jk, jk, the skills look lovely.
That's it! The two big things I'd like to see touched up are his history and his relationships, just so that he's not coming into the roleplay as too much of a blank slate. I'm really curious as to how the church incident went down!
 
I tend to follow Welian's lead, so I will only push back on one thing. I agree he needs more meaty history and some relationships.

Just one thing:

His Name.

This is a real world with cultures that mirror our 'earth prime'

Names are not just cool sounding power themed jumbles of letters; that's what codenames are for...

Blazeren is not a name.

Check out behind the name .com for ideas.

I put in blazeren and got no hits, but this came up:

http://www.behindthename.com/name/bel01sarra01usur

How fucking cool is Bel-Sarra-Usur? Or Belshazzar?

There are plenty cool names out there. Please don't just face plant on the keyboard when choosing a name.

/end rant

edited to add Drak also has no provenance that I could find, but Drakon is the greek form of Draco which is the constellation of the dragon... http://www.behindthename.com/name/drakon
 
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welian said:
I still have the following character profiles listed as In Progress. Please tag me and post in this thread when you are ready for your character to be reviewed!
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I'd love for my character to be reviewed, but I still have to save up for her. I've only been requesting reviews prematurely because she's fairly complex and I wanted to have her fixed up so I could just get her, like, auto-accepted when I can afford her.
 
Gus Gus Welian and I both agreed on Blaze as being his name... so if she wants me to change it as well, I guess I'll have to, in all honesty. I'll wait on her opinion before I edit his name.
 
AxelVanDeriz said:
Gus Gus Welian and I both agreed on Blaze as being his name... so if she wants me to change it as well, I guess I'll have to, in all honesty. I'll wait on her opinion before I edit his name.
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Not suggesting you have to, just saying you should think about it, and speaking only for myself. Welian is not going to say you can't use that as a name, I don't think, because that is an utterly personal choice; you are free to choose the name you think fits your character. What I am saying is maybe think about why, realistically, your family would have chosen to give you a 'pre themed' name that is not an extant name in any world culture.
Especially coming from a nominally Christian household as your background seems to indicate. It seems a little 'edgy' a choice of name for a family that would choose to attend a church that labels you a demon when your powers manifest. UU church family might name their kids any number of odd hippy dippy thing... southern baptist... not so much? Your character, your choice. I am only asking you to think about why you want that name. Sorry if I came across as harsh. To me it is a serious break with verisimilitude. YMMV
 
Gonna be working on major overhauls with Jamie. Might even be an entire new character entirely.
 
simj22 said:
welian welian
Jamie's reworked. Enjoy.
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Just been discussing Jamie with CC

Overall looks solid, but with max load of 7000 pounds and max range of 400 meters you ought to have higher energy.

Suggestion is add in two straight away, since max for C is 18 points, and maybe take one point from intelligence (since she is otherwise a normal human) to give her a total of 5 energy.
 
Gus said:
Just been discussing Jamie with CC

Overall looks solid, but with max load of 7000 pounds and max range of 400 meters you ought to have higher energy.

Suggestion is add in two straight away, since max for C is 18 points, and maybe take one point from intelligence (since she is otherwise a normal human) to give her a total of 5 energy.
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Like the swift wind, I do as i am bidden.
 
AxelVanDeriz AxelVanDeriz Right now, your character has three of the four votes necessary for approval. It won't be long now!

Damafaud Damafaud Aid has two out of four votes, I'll make sure to yell at the Character Committee a bit more today.
 
Aldur Aldur Go ahead and update Ioana's profile to the new version, with the Skills, Augmentations, and Gallery tabs. I've gone ahead and done some of the BBcode for you, to save you some trouble.

Code: 
[row][sh]CĂLĂTORU, I.[/sh][divide][/divide][row]

[column=span2][IMG]https://www.rpnation.com/attachments/223963/[/IMG][/column][column=span6][Tabs]
[Tab=Stats][column=span4][table=none-zebra]
[tr][th=3]Heroism Meter[/th][/tr]
[tr][th]Aspect[/th][th]Scale[/th][th]Total[/th][/tr]
[tr][td] COUR[/td][td]▌▌[/td][td]02[/td][/tr]
[tr][td] ALTR[/td][td]▌▌▌[/td][td]03[/td][/tr]
[tr][td] ORDR[/td][td]▌[/td][td]01[/td][/tr]
[tr][td] KIND[/td][td]▌▌▌[/td][td]03[/td][/tr]
[tr][td] PRCT[/td][td]▌▌[/td][td]02[/td][/tr]
[tr][td] DIPL[/td][td]▌▌▌▌▌[/td][td]05[/td][/tr]
[/table][/column][column=span4][table=none-zebra]
[tr][th=3]Ability Statistics[/th][/tr]
[tr][th]Aspect[/th][th]Scale[/th][th]Total[/th][/tr]
[tr][td]HLTH[/td][td]▌▌[/td][td]02[/td][/tr]
[tr][td]STRN[/td][td]▌▌[/td][td]02[/td][/tr]
[tr][td]DEFN[/td][td]▌▌▌▌▌[/td][td]05[/td][/tr]
[tr][td]AGLT[/td][td]▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌[/td][td]08[/td][/tr]
[tr][td]INTL[/td][td]▌▌▌[/td][td]03[/td][/tr]
[tr][td]WILL[/td][td]▌▌[/td][td]02[/td][/tr]
[tr][td]ENRG[/td][td]▌[/td][td]01[/td][/tr]
[/table][/column]

[/Tab]

[Tab=General][B]Full Name[/B]
Ioana Claudia Călătoru

[B]Nicknames[/B]
Crazy Bitch, Edgelord

[B]Codename[/B]
Midnight Animal

[B]Gender[/B]
Female

[B]Age[/B]
Twenty-two

[B]Rank[/B]
A

[B]Limiter[/B]
Active, level 3

[B]Role[/B]
Student[/Tab]


[Tab=Appearance][B]Race[/B]
Romanian

[B]Hair[/B]
Platinum (Originally Chestnut Brown)

[B]Eyes[/B]
Hazel

[B]Height[/B]
5'7"

[B]Figure[/B]
Toned, Curvy

[B]Notes[/B]
A fistful of piercings and a sleeve tattoo on her left hand. Also, lip scar.[/Tab]


[Tab=Biography][B]Persuasive[/B]
s plan C, Ioana will turn to her communication skills. Persuasion is a powerful tool she can call to when all else fails and can be fairly convincing to most folks. She can fake a number of moods and is great at parties though all parties she went to in the past ended poorly.

[B]Quiet [/B]
Ioana is often pretty quiet as she tries to minimize the amount of sound coming from her general direction. Her voice will not get raised too frequently unless it's needed.

[B]Desensitized [/B]
It became known after a while, that if you hired Ioana to break into and steal from a place, that a few guards, innocent or not, might disappear. Gang members, security officers, they're all just bags of ketchup when it comes to completing a job.

[B]Paranoid [/B]
In her line of work, not many people can be trusted and Ioana did not want to take any chances. She still believes that until she knows for sure what motives a person has, they're out to get her.

[B]History[/B]
Once upon a time, a man came to America. He got married and had a daughter: Ioana. What this man also had, was a shady background. Shady enough to catch up with him and his newly acquired family. Ioana's mother died in a traffic collision when she was 7. The police said it was an accident. Father was devastated. But for the sake of his daughter, he didn't turn to alcohol but instead tried to fill up his time with Ioana. He tried to make up for her missing mother. And it worked out. For a long time, they were happy. Ioana's father even taught her how to always win at hide-and-seek. And when she was a teenager, dad taught her how to properly use a weapon in case the bad people inserted themselves into their lives again. Sure enough, they did, during a game of hide-and-seek. They broke into the house, beat daddy up real bad and shot him up. "That's what you get for running away and having a family. Oamenii ca noi sunt blestemați, Ionel.(People like us are cursed, Ionel.) We can't have normal lives." And that was it. Ioana couldn't bring herself to get out of her hiding spot for the whole day. She promised herself that she'll bring the people who did this the anguish she felt tenfold. Fast forward to late adolescence. She survived by stealing, breaking in places and doing small-time jobs for drug traffickers. It wasn't until she received a cryptic message and a mask that her life changed. It was a babysitting message. It gave Ioana an address, instructions on taking care of the little brats and had been told to 'be discrete'. When she arrived at the location Ioana was met by about a handful of thugs armed with blunt weapons and firearms. Ioana realized she was sent there to clean out the house. And somehow, she did. Fast. Way too fast. She felt incredible, offing two goons one after another in two seconds and in different rooms. It only escalated from there. Jobs got bigger. She broke into warehouses, guarded places until one day she got tipped off the location of the guy who made an orphan out of her. Ioana killed him and the few guards who were in his safehouse, ironically she told him "Eu sunt blestemul."(I am the curse.) After a while, she was arrested and forced into joining Training Facility 108.[/Tab]

[Tab=Relationships][B]Ionel Andrei Călătoru [/B]
Father. Deader than a morgue. Got gangs to thank for that. Ioana loved him greatly

[B]Sarah Julia Călătoru [/B]
Mother. Six feet under. She died when Ioana was 7. Rough times but her dad made up for it as long as he could.

[B]Friends[/B]
Who needs friends?[/Tab]

[Tab=Superpowers][B]GOTTA GO FAST![/B]
Ioana can move up to the speed of sound. Notice the omnipresent voice describing this character chose to say "move" not "run". It's because she can move any individual part of her body and all of them at once. There is a big difference between running fast and punching someone in the face while your arm is moving at a thousand feet per second.

[LIST]
[*][B]Dense Skin[/B]: While moving at high speeds, Ioana's body becomes more resilient. Resistant enough for her to absorb the reaction to her action of hitting someone or something at the speed of sound without the harsher consequences.

[*][B]SSlow Down![/B]: Her senses are also heightened passively. Call it a glorified spidey sense or a superhuman sense of environment awareness. Simply put, she can dodge any incoming objects while traveling at high speeds and sitting still. She perceives this as time slowing down around her. In truth, she's just way faster than anyone else.
[/LIST]

[B]Limitations[/B]
List and describe at [I]least[/I] three limits of your character's power, including any 'rules' it follows, such as being ineffective on certain targets or past a certain distance. Use bullet points to keep each limitation clearly separate and organized. Remember, it's just as important to know where a power ends as well as where it begins. You may add as many limitations as you like, but you must not have less than three.

[LIST]
[*][B]Limit[/B]: If her body can be kept completely still, she's just a sitting duck. Bullets, debris, etc. affect her how it would affect a normal human. Depending on the caliber of the bullet it can penetrate Ioana's skin even while moving. If she won't be aware of the bullet coming, she won't dodge it.

[*][B]Limit[/B]: If her body can be kept completely still, she's just a sitting duck. Bullets, debris, etc. affect her how it would affect a normal human. Depending on the caliber of the bullet it can penetrate Ioana's skin even while moving. If she won't be aware of the bullet coming, she won't dodge it.

[*][B]Limit[/B]: If her body can be kept completely still, she's just a sitting duck. Bullets, debris, etc. affect her how it would affect a normal human. Depending on the caliber of the bullet it can penetrate Ioana's skin even while moving. If she won't be aware of the bullet coming, she won't dodge it.
[/LIST]
[/Tab]

[Tab=Skills]A list of non-superpower (normal) skills that your character has, such as first-aid training, cooking, encyclopedic knowledge of dinosaurs, etc. Keep in mind that your character's superpowers might affect some of their normal skills, for example, we all expect hyper-intelligent supers to have more knowledge-related skills in this list than the average character. However, these skills should all be things that your character could lose their powers, and still retain.

[B]Skill[/B]: Description

[B]Skill[/B]: Description

[B]Skill[/B]: Description
[/Tab]

[Tab=Augmentations]Some characters have cybernetic enhancements or augmentations, which are not common but also not implausible in the setting of Aegis. if your character has any such third-market modifications, please list them there.

Based on the extent and capabilities of any cybernetics listed, the Game Masters may ask players to spend additional character creation points to balance the field.

[B]Augmentation[/B]: Description

[B]Augmentation[/B]: Description

[B]Augmentation[/B]: Description[/Tab]

[Tab=Gallery]Although there is now a spot for a character image (since most of you have one), the Gallery tab remains as an area for you to post additional images, theme songs, and so on.[/Tab][/Tabs][/column][/row]
 
I don't have the rest of the stuff done, but I figured I'd post the powers for the character I'm working on for discussion. Either here or on the Discord. This is for the discussion of where I should allocate points, and what rank she'd be.
Hopefully the code posts correctly even if it's incomplete.
[tab=Relationships]Other Character's Name
Description of relationship with said character[/tab]

[tab=Superpowers]Tactile Telekinesis

Aisha is capable of using initial-contact based telekinesis to her advantage. She can levitate, seemingly lift heavy objects, use it to push or throw objects further than she would normally, and restrict movement. Technically this could enhance her blows… When initial contact is made, she can move said object or being up to 3 feet away from the limb or part she is using to hold it. The field itself extends slightly beyond her body, but nothing major, only a half an inch. Things that come in contact with the field can be immobilized if she has enough strength to stop it.

[*]Psionic Inundation: Through contact as well, Aisha can induce pain in the target's mind or head. This may be more effective on some than others, some may resist it altogether, while others may actually go into shock. Supposedly, it's through overloading the target's mind.

[*]Enhanced Intelligence: Aisha is much smarter than your average 13 year old. Simple as that. This may lend to learning or understanding things better, as well as people depending on how easy they are to read. She also has a better memory than most humans.
[/LIST]

Limitations
List and describe at least three limits of your character's power, including any 'rules' it follows, such as being ineffective on certain targets or past a certain distance. Use bullet points to keep each limitation clearly separate and organized. Remember, it's just as important to know where a power ends as well as where it begins. You may add as many limitations as you like, but you must not have less than three.

  • Limit: The Tactile Telekinesis does not apply to things that couldn't be "touched" in the first place. So no bending light to her will.
  • Limit: Tactile Telekinesis does not have a weight limit, but a definite size limit. She cannot lift anything above 15 by 15 feet. This limits her to at best, an average car in size. Unfortunately, that means no building tossing. Maybe shed tossing though…
  • Limit: Psionic Inundation does not affect users of Psychic Shield, and may not even work on particularly hardy individuals. It also requires her to focus at the given moment, which while initially there will be no headache, there will be within around 3 minutes of usage for this power. She only has 3 minutes of usage for this power per day.
[/tab]
 
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