Other Best jokes you got

[ThatOneGirl357]

I'm bored. Let's tell jokes.

 

[Blemmigan]

What happened after the explosion at the French cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie.

What do you call a person who points out the obvious?
A person.

How much does a cockney pay for shampoo?
Pantene.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shitzu.



Ah, wait, you said "best jokes". Never mind.

 

[ThatOneGirl357]

What happened after the explosion at the French cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie.

What do you call a person who points out the obvious?
A person.

How much does a cockney pay for shampoo?
Pantene.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shitzu.



Ah, wait, you said "best jokes". Never mind.

I died reading the first one

 

[Unknownn]

My life is a joke.... ;_;

 

[Axel The Englishman]

How do you giggle in French?

Spoiler: Joke

Honhonhonhon oui oui baguette

 

[Lappi]

Are jokes in poor taste allowed?

 

[Abendrot]

A man and his family walk into a hotel. The man walks up to the front desk and he asks the receptionist "Is the porn here disabled?" The receptionist glares at him and replies "It's just regular porn you sick bastard."

 

[Zombocalypse]

George Carlin...



In the bullshit department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. Because I got to tell you the truth, folks. I gotta tell you the truth. When it comes to bullshit. BIG TIME, MAJOR LEAGUE bullshit, you have to stand in awe. IN AWE. Of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claim, RELIGION. NO CONTEST.

Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually CONVINCED people... That there's an invisible man, living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do ANY of these ten things there's a special place full of fire, smoke, torture and burning where he'll send you to live, suffer, burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, til the end of time...

But he loves you...

He loves you... He loves you and HE NEEDS MONEY! HE ALWAYS NEEDS MONEY!

He's all-knowing, all-powerful and all-wise, but somehow... just can't handle MONEY!

Religion takes in billions of dollars, pays no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now you talk about a good bullshit story, HO-LY-SHIT!

 

[Lappi]

A Russian walks into the eye doctor, his doc says "can you read these letters?" The Russian said 'can I read them?! That's my Brothers name!"

 

[KhazTheGiraffe]

What happened after the explosion at the French cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie.

Omg I Camembert that pun. It's Brie-yond me.

 

[Saccharine Cyanide]

There once was a man who loved to drive trains for a living. Unfortunately, he loved drinking even more than driving trains and he came into work plastered every day. One day, his recklessness caused him to crash the train, killing everyone on board except him. He went to court, was convicted of multiple counts of murder and was sentenced to death by electric chair.

On the day of his execution, the guards asked him what we wanted for his last meal and he requested nothing but a humble banana. After he had eaten his banana, the guards strapped him into the electric chair and threw the switch. The chair lit up, sparks flew, then the chair died down and the man was still sitting there, alive and unfazed.

The guards threw him back into his cell and rescheduled his execution for another day. When the day came, they again asked him what he wanted for his last meal and he replied that he wanted two bananas. After he had eaten his bananas, they strapped him to the electric chair and threw the switch. Zzzzt. Sparks, light. After the chair died down, he was still sitting there, unharmed and unfazed.

By the time the next date for the man's execution came around, the head guard had had enough. "That's it," he said to the condemned man. "This time, you don't get your last meal. I don't know what's in those bananas, but we're getting this execution done one way or another!"

The guards strapped him to the electric chair and threw the switch again. The man was once again unharmed by 2000 volts of electricity passing through his body. The head guard threw his hat on the ground and stomped it, tearing his hair out as he yelled, "I don't get it! We didn't give you any bananas this time!" To which the condemned man calmly replied, "Oh, it wasn't the bananas. I'm just a bad conductor."

 

[crumbelivable]

I would make a Communism joke, but they're only funny when everyone gets it.

 

[Blemmigan]

Alright. This is an old one, and a long one, but bear with me here. Here we go:

A man is driving down this road and his car breaks down. Luckily, there's a big building within walking distance, so he walks up and knocks on the door. A monk answers the door: turns out he place is a monastery. Still, he figures he should ask for help. So he says, “My car broke down. Could I please stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept his request. Not only that, but they feed him dinner, even arrange to get his car fixed by the morning. But later that night, as the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. It's coming from deep within the building and perplexes him, but eventually he manages to fall asleep.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but all they say is: “We can’t tell you, because you’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed, but he thanks them for their hospitality and leaves the monastery.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in almost exactly the same place. This time though, he knows where he is. And the monks feed him, fix his car, and give him a room for the night. And just as he's going to sleep, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks again reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, then... how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are, and the exact number of grains of sand. When you know these numbers, return to us, and you will become a monk.”

Such is the man's dedication that he decides to accept the task. It takes him years of travelling and counting: forty-five years to be exact. After all that time, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. Despite the time that has passed, they seem to know what he has returned for as he says, “I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 543,765,828,256 blades of grass on the earth, and 1,089,431,216,229,194,284 grains of sand.”

The monks confer with each other for a while, and then finally say, “For your hard work and perseverance, we welcome you. You are now a monk, and so we shall show you the way to the sound you asked about.”

They lead the man to a huge, sturdy wooden door, and the head monk tells him, “The source of the sound is behind this door.”

Tentatively, the man reaches for the handle, but when the turns it he finds that the door is locked. He says, “I've waited for so long. Please give me the key.”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door, this one made of stone and beautifully carved. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, and behind the door he finds a door made entirely out of shimmering ruby.

He demands that the monks give him the key to this door, and they dutifully provide it.

Behind the door of ruby is another door, this one made of deep, clear sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, gold, topaz, pearl and amethyst.

Finally, as they stand in front of an obsidian door, the monks hand him a key and say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is, because you’re not a monk.

 

[Windsock]

Alright. This is an old one, and a long one, but bear with me here. Here we go:

A man is driving down this road and his car breaks down. Luckily, there's a big building within walking distance, so he walks up and knocks on the door. A monk answers the door: turns out he place is a monastery. Still, he figures he should ask for help. So he says, “My car broke down. Could I please stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept his request. Not only that, but they feed him dinner, even arrange to get his car fixed by the morning. But later that night, as the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. It's coming from deep within the building and perplexes him, but eventually he manages to fall asleep.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but all they say is: “We can’t tell you, because you’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed, but he thanks them for their hospitality and leaves the monastery.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in almost exactly the same place. This time though, he knows where he is. And the monks feed him, fix his car, and give him a room for the night. And just as he's going to sleep, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks again reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, then... how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are, and the exact number of grains of sand. When you know these numbers, return to us, and you will become a monk.”

Such is the man's dedication that he decides to accept the task. It takes him years of travelling and counting: forty-five years to be exact. After all that time, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. Despite the time that has passed, they seem to know what he has returned for as he says, “I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 543,765,828,256 blades of grass on the earth, and 1,089,431,216,229,194,284 grains of sand.”

The monks confer with each other for a while, and then finally say, “For your hard work and perseverance, we welcome you. You are now a monk, and so we shall show you the way to the sound you asked about.”

They lead the man to a huge, sturdy wooden door, and the head monk tells him, “The source of the sound is behind this door.”

Tentatively, the man reaches for the handle, but when the turns it he finds that the door is locked. He says, “I've waited for so long. Please give me the key.”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door, this one made of stone and beautifully carved. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, and behind the door he finds a door made entirely out of shimmering ruby.

He demands that the monks give him the key to this door, and they dutifully provide it.

Behind the door of ruby is another door, this one made of deep, clear sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, gold, topaz, pearl and amethyst.

Finally, as they stand in front of an obsidian door, the monks hand him a key and say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is, because you’re not a monk.

I am so fucking pissed off

 

[Axel The Englishman]

A banker, a Sun journalist, a member of the public and an immigrant walk into a cafe. They a served a cake sliced into 12 slices. The banker eats 8 slices. The journalist takes 3 slices of cake. The journalist then leans over to the member of the public and whispers into his ear, "That immigrant is here to steal your cake!"

 

[Dawnster]

I am so fucking pissed off

I am triggered to no end

 

[Caffeine Freak]

I used to work a shift at this tattoo parlor. This guy came in one day and asked for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Upon my questioning, he replied: I like to play with my money, I like watching my money grow, and a hundred bucks seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days.

 

[Captain_Sheriarty]

16 sodium's walk into a bar who follows?

Spoiler: Joke Answer

Batman

 

[Hall Kervean]

16 sodium's walk into a bar who follows?

Spoiler: Joke Answer

Batman

I didn't get that.

 

[Captain_Sheriarty]

I didn't get that.

It's a nerd joke the letters for sodium are NA so NA 16 times then BATMAN!!

 

[Hall Kervean]

It's a nerd joke the letters for sodium are NA so NA 16 times then BATMAN!!

Oooooh
Oh oh oh oh ohhhh

I got you now.

 

[AsrielGoatChild]

Late one night in an insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate replied, "God told me."
Just then a voice from the next room shouted, "I did not."

 

[Birdsie]

 

[DemetrioMachete]

Why are all cyclopes playboys?

Spoiler: Joke answer

They have an *eye* for the ladies.

 

[Doktor Jivaneanof]

What's the difference between a duck and a goose?












































One doesn't quack.