Other Best jokes you got

[Hangover]

A young man serves in British army. His platoon has couple days off and so he decides to write back home to his grandmother living in Scotland:

Dear gran,
I am healthy, they feed me well and our guys make a great company. Including me, there is a total of five Scottish, sixteen English and three Welsh soldiers...

A week later, he receives a letter from his grandmother:

Dear Gregory,
I am happy to know that you are well and that you have managed to capture so many prisoners already...

 

[Thatoneflawedhero]

I really hope I don't get banned for this.

Spoiler: Please don't ban me for this.

So a Jewish kid was insulting me today and I really wanted to beat him right then and there but it didn't feel right going against a pile of ash.

 

[DemetrioMachete]

Alright, I'll bite.
Now I will tell you a story.
Doesnt have to be a masterpiece.
He walks home at night.
In his doorway he finds a baby.
So he takes the orphan as his son.
Names him John.
Also, this man was a soldier.
Marines, if you were wondering.
Extremely strict, but loving.
In 10 years, John was a model student.
Studied, exercised, even ate healthily.
John had it all.
Oh, until he met Randy.
He was a treacherous, vile being.
Not unlike a viper.
Clashes between them were common.
Ending with John's victory.
Never once did Randy let up.
And so their rivalry began.

Now read the first letter of every line.

 

[asterism]

What do you call a group of flowers? Floral. Okay, it's not really floral but for the sake of this joke, it's floral, m'kay?

If so, then what do you call a single flower?























Singular. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

[Corrosion]

One day, a man heard a loud crash from the path outside his home. He ran out to investigate, and is surprised to see a young boy looking dazed next to a cart carrying a load of fruits. A wheel had fallen off, causing it to crash. The man ran out to help the boy. "Boy," He asked. "Are you alright?" The boy nodded, and the man sighed in relief. "That's good. Why don't to come to my house? Have a drink before carrying on?"

"I don't know," Said the boy, sounding rather unsure of himself. "My father won't be very happy about this."

The man laughed. "Ah, don't worry, son. I'm sure he'll be quite pleased to know that you're fine." So the boy followed the man home and had a drink.

Once that was done, the man said, "Boy, how about some food? I'm sure you're quite hungry after that journey."

"I don't know," Said the boy once again, sounding rather unsure of himself. "My father won't be very happy about this."

And again, the man laughed. "Ah, don't worry, son. I'm sure he'll be quite pleased to know that you've been fed." So the boy had some tarts made by the man.

Once that was done, the man said, "Boy, how about some rest? I have a spare bedroom, and I'm sure you're quite tired after everything today."

"I don't know," Said the boy, once again unsure. "My father won't be very happy about this."

The man quickly dismissed him like before. "Ah, don't worry, son. I'm sure he'll be quite pleased to know that you've been well rested." So the boy took a nap.

Once he woke up, the man asked him, "Boy, where is your father, anyway?"

The boy pointed at the cart outside. "He's underneath the cart."

And then the boy was molested by the man

 

[themindfuleye]

What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

Spoiler: Answerrrr

HAAAAAAND EEEYYYYYYYYEEE

 

[Mishki]

What kind of bagel can fly?

Spoiler

A plain one. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

[Hall Kervean]

[This thread's original content and then the response I gave.]
Opinion - Here is Practical Explanation about Next Life, Purpose of Human Life... [Response]

Or
Everyone who says they believe in science and will never accept anything other than that typically doesn't end up doing that.

Spoiler

When sporting is involved, screw science. You'll show up to the game wearing the opposite team's jersey backwards and a batman mask if that's what won last time.

 

[Copykat]

By Cr1TiKal, specifically from the Official Podcast

We were driving down I-4 which is a road in Florida, and I saw a sign for a resturant called boardwalk bugers, boardwalk city burgers, and it was you know just a standard resturant you know they had some homeless people throw some burgers on the George Foremans, and I came up with a real zinger a real fucking humdinger I tell ya it's one of the best things I've said in my entire life. So I saw this, and I said Boardwalk Burger, more like bored burgers, cause the burgers aren't having any fun

 

[Agent23]

Ok first i wanna say content warning. But this is my best joke

Spoiler: best joke- life sucks

There is a carrot, a cucumber, a head of lettuce, and a penis, all sitting around comparing whos life sucks the most.

The carrot says... "when i get big and strong they skin me alive and eat me"

Cucumber turns to carrot and says..."at least yours ends quickly, when i get big and strong they stuff me in a jar full of acid and my dead relatives, takes weeks in there before i die."

Lettuce just laughs and says..." you think thats bad? They chop me into tiny bits and cover me in the corpses of others before they pour a creamy soup on me and eat me alive."

The penis finally speaks up... "at least yours comes to an end eventually, when i get big and strong, they put a plastic bag over my head, cram me in a dark room, and bang my head into the wall until i throw up all over myself."