Corrosion

Corrosion · Tuesday at 6:52 AM

A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "five beers, please."

Corrosion · Monday at 9:04 AM

"Sunsets are proof that endings can be beautiful too."

British Empire would like to know your location

Corrosion · Sunday at 9:55 AM

God creating bombardier beetle
God: Take a beetle
Angel: Cool
God: Make it shoot acid out of its ass lmao
Angel: Whoa what the

Corrosion · Saturday at 11:15 PM

Me: Alright, let's see what's good on YouTube today
YouTube Algorithm: WIND ROSE - Diggy Diggy Hole (Official Video)
Me: [visible confusion]

Corrosion · Jun 13, 2019

Why do happy memories make me sad

Corrosion · Jun 11, 2019

*at the hospital*
Me: Doc, am I gonna be okay?
Doctor: I'm sorry, sir, but you're down with the sickness.
Me: *crying* OOHWAHAHAHA

Corrosion · Jun 11, 2019

Some people are like the sun. They blind people when you look at them and emit cancer in their presence.

Corrosion · Jun 9, 2019

Holy fuck the new Halo: Infinite trailer just dropped and I am so excited asdhfgjhbfu

Corrosion · Jun 8, 2019

Some people say I treat them like dirt. That's not true, because unlike them, dirt is actually useful.

Corrosion · Jun 8, 2019

I keep asking what LBGT means, but I can never get a straight answer.

Corrosion · Jun 7, 2019

Friend
Best friend
Boyfriend
Girlfriend
Bacon

Only Bacon has no end.

Corrosion · Jun 7, 2019

Had an astronomy lesson today. If there's one thing I've learned is that Uranus is full of gas.

Corrosion · Jun 6, 2019

An extremely bright star walks into a bar, shining to bright he nearly blinds everyone inside.
"Are you kidding?" The bartender asks in annoyance, covering his eyes.
"No," the star replies. "I'm Sirius."

Corrosion · Jun 6, 2019

Living in the tropics be like: sits down for 0.0001 seconds
Over 9000 mosquito bites on both legs and on my asscheeks somehow

Corrosion · Jun 5, 2019

If animals don't want to be eaten, they why are they made out of food?

Corrosion · Jun 4, 2019

I got a pet newt today. I named him Tiny because he's my newt.

Corrosion · Jun 3, 2019

What do you call a group of philosophers? An argument.

Corrosion · Jun 3, 2019

*hiding from a serial killer*
Me: omg he's gonna find me
Killer: Every
Me: sOUL CONTAINS A WHISPER OF LIGHT

Corrosion · Jun 2, 2019

Psychic: *reads my mind*
My Mind: PEPSI MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN du da da da du da da da
Psychic: what the fuck

Corrosion · Jun 2, 2019

Him: I got a new girlfriend.
Me: She's 12
Him: Age is just a number
Me: You know what's also a number?
Him: What
Me: Calls 999

Corrosion · Jun 1, 2019

Me: Alright, time to lose some weight. I'm going to eat healthy from now on.
Also me: These waffles could always use a little more butter slams the entire block on it