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Fantasy Aedighar [closed]

Perhaps it should’ve upset Antra or made her jealous, but it didn’t. Whatever made Elias happy, she was alright with. As long as nobody got hurt, of course. That was her main concern when it came to everything, but as long as that was respected, anything was fine. Antra didn’t worry what may or may not happen between Arthor and Elias later on. It wouldn’t be fair of her to expect anything from Elias, considering that she would be married in due time.

It was even easier for Antra not to worry about something like that when Elias said that he loved her. Ever since he had said it that first time, she still hadn’t gotten over it. Sometimes she pestered him to say it to her, just because of how sweet it sounded. Maybe she loved those three words a little too much, but she wasn’t ashamed of it. They were so beautiful coming from Elias, Antra couldn’t help it.

“You can do what you want, Elias,” Antra shrugged and smiled.

"I want you."

“But you won’t have me in Santrella,” Antra chuckled, even though she supposed it wasn’t really a happy matter.

"You could visit."

“I will,” Antra shrugged, “not too often, though.”

“What am I supposed to do without you.”

As Elias mumbled that, he moved his arms to wrap around his waist and pulled her closer to him. Antra smiled and moved to sit in his lap as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Of course she was sad to lose him, but then again, would she really? If they’d write letters and even see each other every once in a while, that’d be better than nothing. Antra would never lose Elias, things would just change a little between them and that was fine. Sometimes that happened and Antra didn’t want to be afraid of change anymore.

“I’m sure you’ll find something to take your mind off of me.”

"I wouldn't be so sure about that,” Elias said, cupping her cheek with one hand.

“You’ll think of something,” Antra chuckled and leant forwards to kiss his cheek.

"I'll miss you so much."

“I’ll miss you too, but we’ll keep in touch. I hope.”

"I don't want to leave."

“But you’ll have to,” she mumbled, moving her hand to stroke his hair gently, “it’ll be alright, Elias.”

"I wish I didn't have to."

As much as Antra wished so too, there was nothing they could do about it. There was no reason to be too sad because of it and ruin their last moments together. Antra thought that would be very silly, so she didn’t want to get too upset now, sitting in his lap. If she’d think too much about how life might be after Elias, then she might begin crying and that she definitely did not want to do.

“There’s nothing we can do. We just have to accept that..”

“I know.”

“We’ll be alright.”

"I'll always love you, Antra. No matter what."

“And I’ll always love you, Elias. Nothing will change that,” Elias gave her a short kiss and Antra smiled because of it.

“I’ll miss all of this.”

"That's why you have to visit me as often as you can."

“I’d love that,” Antra chuckled, “I’ll definitely travel to Santrella at least once.”

"And I'll visit you as well."

Suddenly, she got a little worried though as she thought about what Elias might think about her having a new husband. She didn’t know if he was a jealous man or not, or if it’d just upset him greatly. Antra didn’t want that, but there wasn’t really anything she could do about it. She almost hoped that Elias would find himself a wife just so that things would be fair.

“Is that a good idea?”

"Maybe not, but I'd like to visit you."

“And meet my husband?”

"I haven't considered that yet."

Antra shrugged, “I don’t know when that’s going to happen. I suppose it depends on Brynden.”

"Not long after the war is my guess."

Maybe Antra was imagining it because of her own feelings on the matter, but Elias looked so sad as he said that. It made her feel upset and guilty about what was happening, even if it was out of her control. She didn’t want this to hurt Elias, but there wasn’t anything she could do to stop it. It was so unfair, but Antra would deal with it, because that was what a good Lady would do.

“You’re probably right. I’m sorry.”

After Antra said that, Elias cupped her face and kissed her deeply. Antra wondered what their last kiss would be like, or even if they’d realise that it’d be their last. She decided that she’d treat every kiss like that from now on. Just in case. Stroking his hair, Antra kissed him back , pressing close against his chest. Elias’ hand moved to her back as he held her pressed against him, but eventually Antra pulled away again, even if it felt so very nice.

"Promise me that we'll see each other again after the war,” Elias said as he leant forwards to kiss her cheek.

No matter how hard that might be to achieve, Antra would do anything to see Elias again. Even if it would be inappropriate to do something like that. She couldn’t imagine living the rest of her life without ever seeing him again. It was a horrible thought, and Antra didn’t want to make it a reality. Hopefully, meeting Elias wouldn’t be as hard as she had imagined in her head.

“I promise.”
 
All Elias had worried about was not being able to see Antra after the war. He had grown so used to seeing her every day that it would be strange to not be able to visit her in the evening and receive her sweet kisses. But not once had he thought about the fact that she would for sure be married to some Lord after the war. It was inevitable, and only now did he realise that even if he would see her again after the war, it would never truly be like it had used to be since she would likely be married. Elias didn’t feel jealous, but he did want Antra to be his.

There was a small part of him that hoped her husband would be someone who wouldn’t care, but that was foolish of him to think. He wanted Antra to marry someone who would cherish her and give her everything she deserved. If he wouldn’t be able to be there for her like that, then he prayed to the Gods that Lord Brynden would find his sister a good man to love her and take care of her. That would make it easier for him to deal with it.

If things wouldn’t work out between them, then Elias hoped he could be her friend. He knew he couldn’t control her life, and he didn’t want to do that either, so if Antra would fall in love with her husband then he knew he would have to respect that. Then they could be friends, but Elias had a bad habit of breaking the rules of friendship.

“I promise.”

Those words were very reassuring to Elias. Then he would get to see her sometime after the war. Either Antra would travel to the South to visit him, or Elias would travel wherever she would be and visit her. It sounded nice, and that was distracting him from everything else that was bothering his mind. He wanted to be happy with her now, cherish these moments with her. Though he had gotten a little upset, he didn’t want to stay sad for long.

“I’ve never really told you about my family,” he mumbled.

"That's true, you haven't. I don't think I've ever asked, though."

“Well, they aren’t that interesting.”

"Can you tell me anyways?"

Because of the smile on her face, Elias couldn’t say no. Not that he wanted to say no either. He did want to tell her about everything that had happened to him, and how he had eventually ended up in Santrella all alone only to be picked up by the Hastwycks. It had to be pure luck or the Gods that were giving him a chance to do something that he had ended up with them, but he was forever grateful for it.

“I ran away from my family when I was very young,” he shrugged, not knowing where to start.

"Oh... I'm sorry."

“I don’t regret it. My father was a harsh man, and I was the youngest of my siblings. We were all boys, and I was the only one who was more interested in bothering the Maester than fighting.”

"How old were you when you left?" Antra asked while stroking his hair.

“Four-and-ten,” he nodded.

It wasn’t that young, but he had lived in Santrella wherever he could afford to live. Elias didn’t even want to think about that period of his life, but he did want to talk about it. Antra still deserved to know, and at least some good had come out of it in the end, which made it all worth it. He had met his best friend, and he had been taken in with the Hastwycks which had led him to Antra. Gods, it was truly worth it no matter how bad it had been.

"And you were all on your own?"

“Yes.”

"Oh, Elias..."

Antra cupped his face, but Elias smiled as she did that, not feeling too upset about it, “it’s okay.”

"That must've been hard. I can't imagine."

As Antra stroked his cheeks, Elias pulled her closer to him only wrap his arms around her tightly. He hugged her, pressing his cheek against her as he felt her arms move to hug him back. It had been hard, but he had survived it, and now he sat here with her. That was all that mattered to him, but he was thankful for how Antra comforted him now. It felt good, and he squeezed his arms around her, not wanting to let go of her just yet.

“It’s okay now though.”

"I'm sorry, Elias."

It felt strange that someone knew about that now. Elias wasn’t sure if he had ever told Arthor about his family. Perhaps he had while he had been drunk, but he couldn’t remember. Either way, it felt nice to let someone else know. Not that he was still bothered by it, but now he didn’t have to carry that story alone anymore. Antra stroked his hair so gently, and he closed his eyes at the sensation as he pressed his forehead against her shoulder. His hands stroked over her back as he let the silence settle between just for a few seconds.

“I don’t know if they’re still alive,” he mumbled quietly.
 
When Elias told of what had happened to him, Antra had a tough time imagining that. Four years ago, Antra had been so very childish and immature. There would be no way that she’d be capable of doing what Elias had. She wished that he hadn’t been put in that situation, but life was unfair sometimes. Had his family been so bad? Antra didn’t want to really ask too much, in case it would make him uncomfortable.

For Antra, family had always been so loving and caring that it was hard for her to imagine any other possibility. She knew that some people weren’t as lucky to have a family like hers, but somehow it was still hard for Antra to imagine all that. Her parents had been so caring and loving, and Antra would forever cherish the memories she had with them. Not to mention her siblings, who were the people she loved most in the whole world. Elias didn’t have that, and that upset Antra, because she knew how amazing it was.

“You haven’t talked to them ever since you left?”

"No."

“Are you ever going to?”

"I don't think so. I have no reason to."

“I guess,” Antra shrugged, “sorry, it’s just hard for me to imagine to not have family.”

"I have others who care about me."

“That’s true,” she smiled.

Antra moved her hands to his face so she could lift it up, away from her shoulder and kiss him softly. She felt his hands stroke over her hair and it made her feel happy again. Antra cared about Elias and maybe that was enough, along with everyone else in his life. She hoped that he didn’t feel the loss of his family too harshly and that he would be alright.

Pulling away from the kiss, Antra smiled at him, stroking her thumbs against his cheeks. As she did that, Elias leant forwards to press a kiss against her cheek. Gods, she loved him. She hoped that this would continue, but Antra didn’t want to get too wishful. Her husband would come first, as much as she disliked that right now. Even if Elias would just become a memory, Antra would be forever grateful to him.

“Thank you for telling me all that.”

"It felt good to talk about it."

“We can keep talking, if you’d like.”

"If there is anything you want to ask then I wouldn't mind talking about it."

That was a tough decision, because it felt like Antra had a million questions and at the same time she had none. She wasn’t sure what to ask, because her mind was all over the place. Antra kept thinking of Santrella, Arthor and Elias’ family and she couldn't possibly focus only on one topic. All she knew was that she didn’t want to ask anything that would make Elias feel uncomfortable or bad.

“I’d love to talk some more, but I don’t know what to ask,” Antra chuckled.

"So there's nothing you're curious about?"

Well, there were things that Antra wanted to ask, both inappropriate and not, but she wasn’t sure what exactly that was. She wanted to find out more about Elias, about his past, but it felt so hard to put words together all of a sudden. Antra could talk about anything, really, but she wasn’t sure if it was the same for Elias.

“There’s many things I’m curious about. I don’t know what questions to ask, though,” Antra chuckled.

"I suppose my stories can be quite boring. I wasn't very exciting when I was younger."

“I doubt that. Or at least I’m sure you were a lot more exciting than I was.”

"Why's that?"

Really, Antra had always been so proper that she was terribly boring. The most fun she usually had was going out into the forests of Nilfgaard, other than that she was just doing what any good young Lady had to do. Embroidering, singing, dancing, it wasn’t very exciting and it wasn’t like Antra was going after adventures. Before Elias, she hadn’t done anything too exciting, really.

“I’m very boring, Elias.”

"That's not true. I find you very interesting."

“That’s very kind of you, Elias, but I truly am quite boring,” Antra shrugged.

"Stop saying that. You're not boring."

Antra chuckled and pushed lightly against his chest, figuring that Elias wouldn’t back down. Then Elias kissed her and Antra moved her hands to rest on his shoulders as she kissed him back. He held her so close and Antra obviously didn’t mind that. It made her whole body feel warm and it made her so very happy. It was a shame that it wouldn’t last, but for now Antra enjoyed it. His hands held onto her hair just a little, and that made Antra move her hand to cup his cheek.

"Will you stop saying you're boring now?" Elias asked as he pulled away.

“Well, I’m not boring when I’m with you.”

"I doubt that you're ever boring. I refuse to believe that."

“You can do that, but I know that it’s true,” Antra shrugged and chuckled.

Obviously Elias didn’t agree, and he shook his head at that, poking her sides which made her laugh. Antra was incredibly ticklish, so when Elias didn’t stop, she couldn’t stop laughing. She tried to grab his wrists in her hands in an effort to stop him, which did work out. Antra tried to be mad at Elias and scold him for doing this to her, but she couldn’t help but smile at him when she saw how happy he looked.

“That was very rude of you.”
 
The life as a highborn had to be boring at times. Elias could only imagine the expectations people would have towards the life of a noble. A part of him could believe that Antra had lived a boring life. He knew he would have been bored with the number of expectations that he would have to meet, only to live every day the same boring way. But he refused to believe that her whole life had been boring. There must have been moments that were exciting to her in some way, and those would automatically be exciting to him as well because of how interested he was in her life. He wasn’t expecting a big story about adventures, but there had to be something.

Elias knew that he was stubborn about that because he didn’t want to think that Antra had lived her whole life bored. That was slightly upsetting as she deserved so much more than to go days feeling like her life was dull. At least it seemed like she was enjoying herself now that she had friends and he was there to give her company. Now he feared that she would grow bored with herself again when he’d leave, but he hoped she wouldn’t.

To bring in a little fun, Elias had started tickling Antra. Watching her smile and hearing her laugh brought him so much joy. It made him laugh as well until she grabbed onto his wrists to stop him. Instead of fighting against her grip, he let her hold him as he looked at her with a big grin. She was so beautiful, and he wanted to keep going so he could hear her laugh again, but he respected that she didn’t want him to tickle her. His days were never dull whenever Antra was there with him, and Elias was so thankful for everything that she had done for him.

“Forgive me,” he chuckled.

"Maybe."

“Please.”

"I'll think about it."

Elias leaned forward, brushing her hair away from her neck with his fingers before pressing his lips against her skin. While leaving a trail of kisses from the base of her neck and up behind her ear, Elias pleaded again, “please.”

But Antra stayed silent. He stroked his hand down to her waist, gently squeezing onto her as he gently let his teeth sink into her skin. At that, he heard her laugh before he felt her hand under his chin to tilt his head up and away from her neck. A sweet smile rested on his lips, and now all the talk about his past and his family was gone from his mind. All he could think about was how smitten he was by her, and how much control she seemed to have over his emotions, in a good way of course. Elias adored her, admired her and loved her.

A nice short kiss was pressed against his lips, and he chuckled slightly when she pulled away, “does that mean you forgive me?”

“Perhaps.”

“I suppose I can live with that,” he sighed.

"Really?"

“No.”

If there would ever be a day Antra couldn’t forgive Elias genuinely, he wasn’t sure how he would handle that. Now they were only playing around, but he knew very well that he wouldn’t have been able to live without her forgiveness if he had done something wrong. Antra leaned forward, kissing him before Elias could worry more about that. He kissed her back, squeezing her waist again as he sighed into the kiss. Then Antra pulled away.

“Rude,” he mumbled.

"Is it?" Antra asked while Elias enjoyed the sensation of her fingers stroking against his face.

“Very.”

"How is it rude?"

“I want to kiss you.”

"I'll probably kiss you once more later."

“Once?”

Elias wanted to stay here for the rest of the evening with her until they would wake up together in the morning. He needed to touch her, embrace her and kiss her until they would be too tired to do anything. Gods, she was a tease now, and he shouldn’t have enjoyed it as much as he did, but there was something seductive about her now, even if she perhaps didn’t mean to seduce him. Either way, Elias was enjoying it, though it was clearly making him a little flustered and desperate. Hopefully, Antra didn’t mind that.

"Once."

“Please, Antra.”

"What?"

When Elias attempted to lean forward to kiss her, Antra moved away, and a groan fell from his lips. More than ever he felt the need to have her lips against his. Was it so much to ask for? He wanted it so fucking badly, but Antra wasn’t giving it to him. He could have forced her, but he would have never done something like that. For now, he was playing along, looking longingly at her, slightly pouting with his bottom lip. Antra just giggled then, and Elias couldn’t keep the sad expression on his face for long as he smiled too.

“I need you.”

"You do?" Antra asked, raising her eyebrows and Elias nodded.

“I do.”

Antra smiled at that, and Elias still watched her so longingly as he felt her fingers stroke along his jaw. The desperation in him was getting difficult to handle as he pulled her closer to him with his arm hooked around her waist. His other hand rested against her cheek, his thumb stroking over her cheekbone as he glanced down at her lips for a brief second. Gods, he wanted her, he needed her.

“Please.”
 
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The Conclusion
Chapter XCVII
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar
​
It had become an almost daily ritual for Arthor to either wait patiently for Leanah to show up at his room or get the hint and go to her room instead. Usually, the former happened because it was far too dangerous to stay in Leanah’s room. Though sometimes neither of them seemed to care about that. Were they getting too reckless? Arthor didn’t want that, and he tried to keep his head, but, Gods, with Leanah it was so hard.

Controlling himself was an issue whenever he was around her. When they were out in public it was a lot easier, but in their rooms Arthor couldn’t keep his hands off of her. It was always a near impossible task to get out of bed and leave Leanah alone, and that was his least favourite part of it all. Maybe Arthor was a little too obsessed with her, but it didn’t seem like Leanah minded it.

It seemed like Arthor had lost time in his room though. He had been exhausted after his day, and he had laid down to catch his breath before getting to Leanah. Maybe she had gotten impatient, because there was a knock on his door. Arthor smiled a little and looked over, expecting her to come in like she usually did, but the door stayed closed. His smile faded a little, because he thought that it might be someone else, something a lot less fun than Leanah.

Unwillingly, Arthor got up from his bed and crossed the room, opening the door to see Leanah after all. The smile on his face returned, though once more it faded as he saw how her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. They were red and a little swollen, making it look like she had been crying earlier. Obviously, that made Arthor worried and he was almost afraid to ask her anything.

“Leanah. Is something wrong?”

“Yes.”

Immediately, Arthor felt the overwhelming need to make it all better again, make her happy and chase away whatever it was that worried her. He took her hand gently as he pulled her into his room, closing the door behind her, “talk to me.”

"I don't know what to say."

It always hurt Arthor terribly to see Leanah upset because of how much he cared for her. He wanted her to be happy, because that’s what she deserved. Right now she looked so hurt though, so lost, that Arthor’s whole body ached to see her like this. In an effort to perhaps calm her down a little, Arthor stepped towards her and pulled her into a hug, but Leanah pushed him away and shook her head.

“Did I do something?”

“No.”

That meant that Arthor wasn’t the person Leanah was upset with, and he thought that maybe she really needed that hug after all, even if she didn’t want to admit it right now. Therefore, Arthor tried to hug her again. Perhaps her pushing him away was just impulsive and Arthor needed to be stubborn. But again, Leanah didn’t allow him and this time she stepped away from him.

"I can't, Arthor."

“Why? What’s wrong, Leanah? What happened?”

"I can't be yours anymore."

“What?”

"I can't love you anymore."

Obviously, Arthor had known this day would come, but he wasn’t ready yet. How could it end? This couldn’t be over, it just couldn’t be. Perhaps Leanah was just in a bad mood and she was saying things she’d later regret. Yes, that sounded like a good way to calm down Arthor’s mind. That had to be it. This wasn’t the end, he was sure of it.

“Why are you saying these things, Leanah?”

"Because I'm getting married."

No, that couldn’t be true. Then Arthor would surely have heard whispers around Santrella. Leanah couldn’t be getting married. It was too soon, way too soon. This couldn’t be happening so soon, there must be some sort of mistake. Perhaps Leanah had misunderstood something. Arthor didn’t want to face reality just yet, he couldn’t.

“What?”

"I can't be with you anymore because I'm getting married, Arthor."

“You must’ve misheard something. I don’t know anything about this,” he mumbled.

"My mother just told me."

It was beginning to become harder and harder for Arthor to not face the truth that was right in front of him. He didn’t want to, he desperately wanted to live was wonderfully as he had the past few weeks. Sometimes he did slip up, but usually he was so happy with Leanah. He didn’t want to lose that. Gods, Arthor really didn’t want to lose her. How could he after everything?

“It can’t be true,” Arthor mumbled more to himself than to her as his gaze shifted to the floor.

"Why would I lie?"

“I don’t know. Fuck, Leanah.”

What the fuck was he supposed to do now? Arthor refused to accept that this was it, he just couldn’t do that. He felt immature, but he couldn’t handle this. Not yet, not ever. It had been stupid of him to think that he could ever deal with this all ending. Arthor had to understand that, but he couldn’t. He was just so fucking in love with her, and now that he was finally comfortable with it all, she was being taken away from him. It was unfair.

When Leanah didn’t say anything, Arthor stayed quiet too. He didn’t know what to tell her. That it’d be alright? That they’d figure something out? Arthor knew they wouldn’t. He knew that they would split and that there wasn’t anything either of them could do about it. There never was a chance for them, but they had foolishly attempted this anyways, forgetting about the inevitable heartbreak because of how good it all had been.
 
It hadn’t taken Leanah long to find her way to his room. Arthor was likely waiting for her considering she would often come to him at this time of day once the sun started to set. Since she dreaded having to tell him about the devastating situation she found herself in, she used her time down the hallways while she desperately tried to wipe her tears away. For so long now she had been convinced that he was the love of her life, that they had fallen in love for a reason, and they were meant to be together, but that wasn’t the reality of the situation.

Finally realising what a mess it all was didn’t make it any easier for Leanah once she had stopped outside his bedchamber. It took her so much courage to raise her hand and knock at his door. Seeing Arthor open the door for her only made her whole body ache from how much she just wanted to kiss him and forget everything that had been told to her. Then her life would have been so much easier, but it felt impossible to ignore the fact that they couldn’t be together anymore. Leanah could no longer be his and Arthor could no longer be hers.

Once Leanah found it in her to tell him the truth she had never felt so heartbroken before. Standing there while her gaze was on the floor beneath her, she felt lost and helpless. Desperately she wanted to tell him that they could run away together, that they could still be lovers, but she wasn’t foolish enough to believe that it would work anymore. What they had shared had to end, and she was here to end it no matter how difficult that would be. No matter how much she wanted to let Arthor touch her and comfort her, Leanah had to end it.

The silence that settled between them was uncomfortable, and Leanah wanted to leave then. She wanted to walk out the door and pretend this had never happened. Pretend that she had no idea who Arthor was or what they had done together, but she couldn’t. She looked up at him, trying to find the right words to say, but what was there to say? It made her frustrated how broken she felt from it. She wanted to feel happy with him, laugh with him and do the things they’d always do whenever they were together, but she couldn’t even speak to him now.

“I shouldn’t be here,” she finally spoke, looking away from him again.

“Leanah.”

“We can’t be together, Arthor.”

"We can figure something out."

It was easy for Leanah to hear the desperation in his voice, and she felt the same way. If he only knew how desperate she was to make it work, then perhaps they could have made it work, but she knew she couldn’t disappoint her mother again. She raised her gaze, meeting his as she slightly shook her head, but also shrugging because she felt so unsure about everything. The person she wanted was Arthor, but she couldn’t have him.

“You know we can’t.”

“Leanah.”

“My mother knows about us, Arthor. We can’t do anything.”

"Fuck."

As Arthor began pacing around, Leanah kept her gaze on him. Perhaps if her mother had been completely clueless about the relationship she had to him, then they could have figured something out. But she knew too well that her mother wouldn’t let this keep going on between them, and the last thing she wanted was for him to be taken away from her permanently. If they stopped now, he could at least stay here with them.

“This was a mistake.”

"A mistake?"

“Yes.”

That was what her mother had said, but it didn’t seem like Arthor felt the same way as he looked at her so strangely before turning away. Somehow that made her frustrated with him, only making the urge to leave grow bigger as she didn’t know what to say to him. Wasn’t it a mistake? They weren’t supposed to be together, but she had enjoyed it so much that she had never stopped to think about the reality of things. Wasn’t the reality the fact that they had messed up and everything was a mistake? Perhaps not, but Leanah wasn’t sure anymore.

“I guess you want me to leave now.”

"What?"

Leanah shrugged at that, not answering him as she avoided his gaze once he turned around to face her. It felt like the right thing to leave, but at the same time, she longed for him and his comforting embrace.

"I can't lose you, Leanah."

“You can’t have me.”

"But I need you."

“Don’t you think I need you too?” She asked as she met his gaze, frowning at his words.

Arthor hands met her cheeks as he grabbed her face, and before Leanah could pull away, their lips were pressed together. Instinctively she placed her hands against his shirt, grasping a handful of the fabric as she held onto him, kissing him back. The kiss was so desperate. They were both holding onto each other, not pulling away and Leanah was treating this like their last kiss, before she eventually had to pull away from his lips.

“We can’t do this anymore, Arthor.”
 
Right now Arthor felt like a child not getting what they wanted. He knew it was immature and stupid to want to keep Leanah, to keep things as they were, considering that this all was never his to begin with. Arthor wasn’t Leanah’s and she wasn’t his, they had just been blissfully pretending these past few weeks. Still, those weeks had been so wonderful, even if they had been filled with sweet lies and unfulfillable promises.

Now that that all was falling apart, Arthor was desperately clutching to Leanah as everything around him began to crumble. He wanted to run away and deal with this at a later time, but obviously that was a horrible idea and that was a habit he was trying to break. Arthor realised there was nothing to be done here, that it was all over, but he stubbornly tried to convince himself and Leanah that there must be something to be done about this, even though they both knew there wasn’t.

It hadn’t been his plan to kiss her, but he didn’t know what else to do. Arthor felt like he was maybe kissing her a bit harsher, but he was just so fucking desperate to feel her lips against his again. When Leanah pulled away from him, Arthor didn’t even bother to really listen to what she was saying. He pulled her back to him again with his hands still on her face, trying to silence her so that her words wouldn’t be able to hurt him.

Maybe it should’ve stopped him when Leanah obviously struggled against him, but it didn’t. He wanted her, he needed her. Leanah was so fucking perfect and she was so good to him. He loved everything about her, and he couldn’t stand the thought of all of this ending. Arthor had grown much too used to all of this, so life without her sounded so very unbearable.

Leanah hit her hands against his shoulders and still it didn’t quite click in Arthor’s mind that what he was doing wasn’t what she wanted. He only thought about himself now and how much he wanted to kiss her. It was so very selfish, so much like the person Arthor didn’t want to be, but he couldn’t help himself at the moment. He just didn’t want to pull away and face reality again, he just wanted to kiss her and forget about everything. Even her hands on his wrists didn’t really help that.

Only when Leanah pushed her hands against his jaw did Arthor pull away, but he immediately pushed their foreheads together, keeping his hands on her face. She was so pretty and Arthor could take his eyes off of her. He saw her lips move, but he didn’t really listen to what she was saying. Arthor figured that it was just something about how he should let go of her and that it was over. It probably wasn’t something he wanted to her.

Instead of listening, Arthor stroked his thumbs against her cheekbones as he heard his own ragged breath from how hard it seemed to breathe at the moment. When Leanah tried to move away from him, Arthor pushed her against the wall behind her, keeping her pinned between it and himself. When Leanah spoke this time, he heard her because all she said was his name and that sounded so nice to him, even if Leanah sounded angry, but he looked past that.

“Leanah…” he mumbled, as though everything was alright between them again.

"What are you doing?"

Because Arthor wasn’t sure how to answer to that, he leant in to kiss her again. Her hands were pushing against his shoulders and that just made Arthor more desperate in his attempts. Only when Arthor felt a sharp pain on his cheek did he pull away from her, grasping onto where it hurt as he took a step away. He pulled his hand away to see a few droplets of blood and frowned a little.

As Arthor raised his gaze to look at Leanah again, and she just stood there, looking furious with him. He didn’t like that, but at the moment Arthor was a bit too preoccupied with worrying about how his cheek stung. Would it leave a mark? Arthor imagined the other knights would laugh at him for having scratch marks on his face.

“Why did you do that?”

"You are hurting me."

“I wasn’t.”

"Yes, you fucking are, Arthor."

Was he? Thinking about that being true made Arthor uncomfortable, and he absentmindedly raised his hand to scratch some more at his cheek as he averted his gaze from her. He had just been kissing her, hadn’t he? Or maybe Arthor had overstepped his boundaries just now. He had felt so desperate, so selfish about his own needs, while disregarding hers.

Still, all Arthor could reply to that was to mumble an unconvincing, “I wasn’t.”

"Why do I feel hurt then?"

Gods, he was a fucking prick. As Arthor let his body calm down from the rush the kiss had given him, he found himself ashamed of what he had done and what he could’ve done. It made him feel disgusted and suddenly he wanted Leanah to leave just in case he’d lose control of himself. He really was fucked in the head, wasn’t he? Arthor kept digging his nails into his cheek, and now it would for sure leave scars.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, still looking everywhere else but at her.

"This is why we can't be together."

Those words still hurt to hear and Arthor clenched his jaw at the sound of them. He knew that Leanah was right, he knew that she deserved someone better, but, Gods, he wanted her. Arthor had always been so very selfish, but lately he’d been holding that in line. Now it was showing its head again, and Arthor hated it so much, but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking horrid thought and doing horrible things.

“I’m sorry,” Arthor repeated quietly.
 
This wasn’t what Leanah wanted. Arthor wasn’t listening to her. All he was doing was going against everything she wanted, disrespecting her as he didn’t pull away when she made it clear that she didn’t want to kiss him. Kissing him had felt okay at first, but now it made her feel uncomfortable. Once he pushed her against the wall, she even felt frightened and helpless. He was hurting her, but he wasn’t stopping. Why wasn’t he stopping? Leanah tried so hard to get him away, but he only did so when she clawed at his cheek with her nails.

Even when Arthor was bleeding, Leanah couldn’t calm down. What he had done made her angry and scared. It hadn’t been right of him to do so, and even if she was also desperate to make it work between them, she couldn’t understand how he could be so selfish. For the first time in a long time, she felt furious with him. She wanted to hit him and push him around until he’d understand that what he had done wasn’t okay, but then he apologised. That was supposed to make it all better, but it didn’t. It felt like her blood was boiling.

When Arthor repeated those stupid words all she could do was walk over to him, pushing her hands against his back as she raised her voice, “you’re treating me like I don’t matter.”

“I’m sorry,” Arthor nodded, and it only made her more angry that that seemed to be the only thing he could say.

Since he wasn’t looking at her, Leanah kept pushing him, hitting her hands against his back as she couldn’t understand how he could be so very selfish towards her. After everything, he had decided to treat her like this, and now he wouldn’t even look at her or give her a genuine apology. There was no reaction from him, and it was as if she was desperately needing a reaction. She wanted him to turn around and look at her so he could truly prove that he was sorry, but now she didn’t know what to believe since he wasn’t looking at her.

“I thought you loved me,” she nearly cried out as he fists met with his shoulders.

Arthor turned around then, his hands grabbed her wrists as she heard him speak, "I do love you. Of course I love you."

“Do you? Because it doesn’t seem like you do.”

"Of course I do,” he mumbled.

For such a long time Arthor had been the person to make her feel safe and protected. Now that he stood there with his fingers wrapped around her wrists, Leanah felt everything but safe and protected. He was slightly scaring her, and she tried to pull out of his grip as she felt tears beginning to sting in her eyes. She loved him so much, but what was she supposed to think of him now. All she wanted was to feel comforted, loved and reassured.

“Leanah.”

“Arthor,” she breathed.

"I don't want to lose you,” he mumbled.

“But you’re frightening me.”

"I would never hurt you, Leanah."

Leanah shook her head at his words. How was she supposed to believe him? She was so naive though. Right now she should have ordered him to let her go and left, but instead, she had stopped struggling against his grip and stood there with her gaze on the floor beneath them. Perhaps he was right? She had hurt him, and maybe they both had just been angry enough to do stupid things. That seemed reasonable enough to her.

"Leanah, I would never..."

“Okay,” she mumbled quietly.

"You're always safe with me, Leanah."

As Leanah felt his hand against her cheek, she instinctively leaned her head towards his hand before looking at him, “good.”

The sensation of his thumb stroking against her cheek was comforting. That anger she had felt before disappeared from her body as all she could think about was how comforting his touch was. It wasn’t supposed to be comforting, but she loved him perhaps too much to realise that she should have left now. When Arthor nodded, she placed her hand against his shoulder, grasping her fingers on the fabric of his shirt. He leaned down to kiss her then, and this time Leanah kissed him back, while he still kept his hand around her other wrist.

When the kiss became desperate and harsh, Leanah didn’t find it in her to pull away. All she did instead was kiss him back as her fingers grabbed onto his shirt a little tighter. She was so blinded by Arthor that she forgot all about what she was here for in the first place. They were supposed to let each other go, but now she wasn’t stubborn anymore as she kept kissing him back. It was especially hard to be stubborn when Arthor moved his hand to her waist, letting her wrist go as he pulled her closer. Leanah didn’t know what was happening.

Leanah tried to move away from the kiss, wanting to talk to him, but when Arthor didn’t let her all she could do was keep kissing him. Their kiss was so rough, nothing like their usual sweet kisses and she found it difficult to keep up with him. But he was holding her so close to him that even if she had been stubborn enough to start fighting against it, she wouldn’t have been able to get away from his grip. She just stood there then, holding slightly onto him with her hands while letting him move his lips against hers.
 
It was too easy to do this to Leanah. She was so young and naive, she trusted him so much that Arthor thought he might be able to get away with literally anything when it came to her. It was like his harshness from before was forgotten now that Leanah was letting him kiss her again. Fuck, he was so desperate to feel her against him that it didn’t even matter to him how he was doing was wrong.

Tomorrow Arthor would regret all of this and he hoped it wouldn’t be too late. Right now, what Leanah was telling him was hurting him so badly that he couldn’t help but resort to his old ways of dealing with things. Arthor realised he was being horrible to her, that, yes, he was hurting her and that she had a good reason to be frightened of him right now, but none of that was stopping him.

In a way, Arthor wished that Leanah would do something that would stop him because he knew he wasn’t capable of doing that himself. He was immature and horrible, and someone needed to stop what he was doing before it’d get out of hand. If he was a better man, then Arthor would’ve taken this more maturely and dealt with it like an adult. Now he was just treating Leanah poorly, as though she was nothing more to him than a distraction.

Whenever Arthor was upset, he just did stupid things, sometimes horrible things. He wanted to stop that behaviour, but he couldn’t. All he could think about was how good it felt to kiss her and how it would be even better to fuck her now. Tomorrow he would hate himself, he knew it, but right now he was so fucking selfish, so desperate to have her that he couldn’t think too much about it.

When Leanah began to pull away again, Arthor’s blissful thoughts were interrupted again. He remembered what she had been saying, and he just wanted to desperately keep kissing her to forget again. When Leanah said his name, Arthor thought it sounded so sweet. His hand squeezed around her waist as he pulled her to press against him, though he didn’t go in for another kiss just yet.

"You know we can't do this."

“Why not?” he mumbled as he leant his head down to press kisses against her jaw.

"I love you so much, Arthor, but we can't."

“Of course we can,” he mumbled, moving his hand to the side of her neck while his lips pressed kisses against her skin on the opposite side.

"How? It won't work out."

Because Arthor didn’t like what he was hearing, he just ignored it as he kept kissing over her neck, stroking his thumb against her jaw. Leanah said something else then, but Arthor just kept on ignoring her words. When Leanah pushed her hands against his shoulders, Arthor moved the hand on her neck so that he could hold her chin and kiss her again. She pulled on his hair, which made Arthor moan against her lips and distracted him enough that Leanah could pull away a little again.

When Arthor kissed her again, he could hear Leanah mumble something into the kiss before he felt her kick against his legs and her hands trying to pull his away. It all distracted Arthor a little, causing him to pull away from Leanah a bit as a result. He wanted her so desperately that he was willing to ignore that just to get what he needed so badly.

"What do you want me to do? I'm getting married, Arthor."

“I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

"But we need to."

“Do we?” Arthor asked, perhaps a little too harshly as he looked at her, still gripping onto her chin.

“Yes, we do.”

“But I don’t want to,” he mumbled as he brought his face closer to hers.

"What do you want then?"

“I want you.”

"You can't have me."

“Still, I want you.”

“Arthor.”

“And I know you want me, too.”

"Of course I want you."

That gave Arthor confirmation that she wanted this and that she wanted him. Did she mean it like that? Perhaps Leanah didn’t, but that’s how Arthor understood it. As a reply, Arthor kissed her again, moving both of his hands to her cheeks again to hold her face still. It seemed like Leanah didn’t want him after all, because she was fighting against him again. Why couldn’t she just calm down?

Only when Arthor heard her cry as she kept on struggling, did he pull away from her. It confused him as he looked at her with tears running down her cheeks. Instinctively, Arthor wiped them away with his thumbs while he stayed close to her. Suddenly he felt guilt rise up in his chest when he saw how upset Leanah was with him. Arthor had hoped that he wouldn’t feel bad about it until the morning, but now it began to eat him up.

"Get away from me."

For what seemed to be the first time this evening, Arthor obeyed as he took a step away from her. He felt disgusted with himself all of a sudden. His whole being felt tainted and he wanted to cleanse himself somehow, but he didn’t know how to do that. Arthor realised how horrible some of the thoughts in his mind had been, and he felt horrible about what could’ve happened, had he not been stopped. He’d made her cry, Gods, he was horrible.

Though Leanah wasn’t looking at him, Arthor couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. He rubbed his palm against his face, trying to stop himself from thinking horrid thoughts about her. Arthor could feel his hand shaking, while he kept rubbing his fingers against his jaw. He wanted to go, he wanted to leave before he’d do something stupid, something awful. At the moment, Arthor was scaring both Leanah and himself and he didn’t know what the fuck to do.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to,” he mumbled, more to himself than her.
 
The person who had been kissing her wasn’t the same person Leanah had fallen in love with. She didn’t recognise Arthor anymore. Whoever he was now was frightening her, making her feel uncomfortable and unsafe in his presence. That wasn’t supposed to happen. They were supposed to cry, kiss and say goodbye to each other as lovers, and then perhaps become friends again, but Leanah no longer wanted that. She didn’t want to be near Arthor anymore from how much he was hurting her. How could he treat her like this? Didn’t he love her?

Leanah had never felt so helpless before as she felt now while she stood there sobbing and crying, not being able to stop the tears that ran down her cheeks. Her breath hitched, and her fingers trembled. If Arthor truly had loved her, he would have never hurt her like this. He was supposed to protect her, but he was selfish and frightening her so bad that she couldn’t even seem to move towards the door and leave. She wished someone would come look for her and save her from him, pull her far away from whatever person he had become just now.

They had been so good together, but Leanah couldn’t understand what she had done to deserve this. Why was Arthor hurting her? What had she done? She wanted him so badly, but she knew too well that they couldn’t be together. It didn’t seem like he understood that from how forceful he was towards her. Her chin ached, and so did her wrists. Would her wrists bruise from how harsh he had been with her? Gods, she prayed that someone would save her. She had no idea what Arthor would do to her now, and she felt so afraid and alone.

“I thought you were supposed to protect me,” she cried.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing."

“You’re hurting me. You’re not the person I fell in love with.”

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

Leanah couldn’t believe the words she heard right now. How could he say that he was sorry over and over again when he had treated her like he just had? She had trusted him, and now she didn’t know what to believe anymore. Could she trust that his apologies were genuine? No, she didn’t trust him, and it only made her scoff as she finally turned to look at him with her eyes and lips, red and swollen. The sight of him made her feel unwell, and she knew that all she wanted to do now was leave and never see him again.

“Stop saying you’re sorry when you’re not. You wanted to hurt me.”

"I didn't. I would never,” he mumbled while shaking his head slightly.

“I didn’t come here for this. I came here to tell you that we can’t be together so perhaps we could still be friends, but I don’t want that anymore.”

“Leanah.”

Seeing how Arthor had treated her today made Leanah want to stay far away from him. She knew she could go to her mother and have him removed from the castle, but that thought didn’t linger for long in her mind as she looked away from him, not answering him. How could she be friends with someone who wanted to hurt her like that? It didn’t make sense to her. Arthor clearly couldn’t keep his promises as time after time he had promised not to hurt her again. Yet he had. Over and over again he seemed to hurt her without understanding what he was doing.

"Leanah, I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that. I shouldn't have."

“I don’t want to be here anymore.”

"Please don't leave me."

“I have to when you hurt me like this. I thought we could be friends, but I was wrong.”

"Please, Leanah."

Instead of answering him, Leanah found it in her to start walking towards the door. She heard him say her name again while she also heard his footsteps coming towards her, making her stop as she turned to face him, “don’t.”

"I love you, Leanah."

“No, you don’t.”

"I do, Leanah."

“Okay, but I don’t love you.”

That wasn’t true. Leanah would always love Arthor no matter if they were friends or lovers, but now she was so angry and frightened. It made her believe she could never love him, but of course she would. For months it had been impossible for her to not love him. That love wouldn’t suddenly just fade away. Perhaps it would one day, but that wasn’t today. Arthor nodded then, looking away from her. Seeing him sad made her body ache, and for a moment she wanted to take her words back and tell him to kiss her, but she couldn’t.

“Goodbye, Arthor.”

“Leanah,” he said as he looked at her again.

“What?”

"I can't lose you. Please."

Leanah sighed, “but you’re treating me like I don’t matter to you. You don’t listen to me. How can I stay then? I don’t want to be hurt, and you’re frightening me.”

"I won't hurt you, Leanah. I promise."

“You have said that so many times, but you keep hurting me.”

"I'm sorry I keep fucking up. I don't want to. I'm sorry, Leanah."

Arthor stepped closer to her, making Leanah take a step back and press her back against the door behind her. It was as if his words didn’t matter to her anymore. How could she believe that what he was saying was the truth? She had heard him say that so many times now, but he kept hurting her. There was no way she could believe him, no matter how much she wanted them to be friends or lovers, she couldn’t let him be near her anymore. He would only hurt her, and Leanah had clearly not been aware of what he was capable of.

“I don’t believe you. I don’t trust you.”
 
Gods, Leanah was frightened of him. Arthor was her guard, her friend, her lover and yet she was afraid of him. It killed him to know that and it made him feel absolutely disgusted with himself. He was the one supposed to protect her from any harm, but right now Arthor was hurting her, scaring her. What the fuck was wrong with him? Arthor couldn’t even recognise himself right now.

It was good that Leanah didn’t trust him, because it was obvious that Arthor would just harm her again. She needed to leave, forget about him and move on. Arthor hoped that her husband would be a good man that would treat her like she deserved. Leanah deserved to be happy, and that was what he wanted most of all, despite his actions showing the opposite.

Now that his adrenaline from before was fading, Arthor could think clearly. He was fucking upset and he wanted to do something about that, but he wouldn’t hurt Leanah to do so. Gods, Arthor had actually thought about it. If Leanah hadn’t managed to stop him, then he was afraid to imagine how far he would’ve gotten with her. He was fucking disgusting, and Leanah needed to leave, and yet he still didn’t want to let her.

“I know what I did was wrong,” Arthor said while he tried to think of what he could say that would make her stay, “Leanah, I don’t know what to do. I just don’t want to lose you. I can’t.”

"Then you shouldn't treat me like that."

“I won’t,” Arthor quickly said, “I won’t do that again.”

"But I'm scared."

It hurt to hear that so much that Arthor had to look away from her again. He was going to lose her either way, he knew that. Arthor wanted to tell her to leave, just to make things easier for her. Then he could drink the night away and drown his sorrows in wine. It sounded like a good idea, and an idea that wouldn’t let Arthor hurt and frighten Leanah any further.

“Me too,” he mumbled, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

"How can I forgive you? Why should I stay?"

“I don’t know.”

It was obvious that Arthor was too attached to Leanah and what they were doing by this point. He would miss all of it, he’d miss her. Perhaps the worst part would be that Leanah wouldn’t go anywhere far, she’d stay here and be married and Arthor would have to witness everything. Leanah had been his for so long and now Arthor wasn’t ready to let go of her, but he had to. The thought of it hurt him so badly that tears stung at his eyes as he turned away and walked over to his table to his wine pitcher.

What would he do without her? Especially if Leanah would refuse to give him another chance at friendship. He so desperately needed her in his life. Arthor knew what it was like to live without her, and he didn’t want that. He wanted Leanah, he needed her. Without her, Arthor would just slip back into his old habits and fall into a deep pit that he wouldn’t be able to get out of without help.

Just as Arthor reached for the pitcher, he felt her arms wrap around his waist. If before all Arthor craved was her touch, now he didn’t want it. He was afraid of losing control of himself again, he was afraid of himself and he didn’t want to hurt her. At the same time, it felt nice and Arthor didn’t want to order her to leave. Instead of doing anything, he just stood there with one of his hands on the pitcher while he rubbed his eyes with his other one.

"Don't cry,” Leanah mumbled while her hands stroked against his chest.

“Maybe you should go,” Arthor mumbled as he moved his hand away from his face to grab his cup from the table instead.

"I won't come back then."

That would’ve been for the best, but Arthor hated that idea. He wanted to tell her to stay with him and that he would be good, but he couldn’t promise her anything, not right now. Arthor didn’t trust himself and neither did Leanah, he was too afraid to let her be anywhere near him right now. If Leanah would leave never to return again, at least Arthor wouldn’t be able to hurt her.

Instead of answering, Arthor filled up his cup and drank it all in a few swallows. When Arthor heard her retreating footsteps, he didn’t hesitate to fill his cup once more. He couldn’t handle this, Gods, he really couldn’t. Arthor had readied himself for this day for the last few weeks, but now that it was here his reaction to it was making everything ten times worse.

It was for the better that Leanah was being taken away from him, anyways. Then, hopefully, Leanah’s husband would do what Arthor couldn’t and be better to Leanah, treat her right. It wasn’t the best outcome for Arthor himself, he realised that, but right now he was desperately trying to push his selfish thoughts away. He had to let her go, he had to if he wanted Leanah to be happy.

When Arthor sat down at his table, he figured he probably wouldn’t be getting up for a while. All Arthor wanted right now was to drink cup after cup until all the wine was gone. They had been so good together and now it was all over and Arthor had truly fucked everything up. In a way, he almost wanted to laugh at his own stupidity. Not soon after, Arthor heard Leanah leave and he missed her already.
 
iaAfBuE.gif

Apologies
Chapter XCVIII
House Faerson
We were, we are, we will be.
Stormwind, Eastern lands of Aedighar​

Lately, Aryana had tried to spend more time with Brynden, but as they were getting closer to Wheldrake, the busier he became. That was easy for her to understand. She didn’t want to be the reason they would lose the war because she would take up too much time from Brynden. Also, she wanted to be patient and prove to him that she could be a good person as well since she had such high expectations of him. Therefore Aryana would often spend her time alone in her tent while reading a book or doing something else to make time go by faster.

If Antra wouldn’t be with Elias, then Aryana would also make sure to spend time with her friend. After everything she had started to feel a lot better when it came to Brynden. She hadn’t forgiven him yet, but now it was easier for her to believe that he truly wanted to be a good man to her. They had fun together. Aryana couldn’t deny that. His company was starting to get somewhat enjoyable again just like it had before Brynden had messed up. There were only a few times Aryana would find herself worrying and feeling uncertain about him and his intentions.

With time Aryana was sure that she would come to trust Brynden again. As long as they were both patient, she was hopeful that it would work out between them. If not then she worried she would feel very miserable for the rest of her life. That was her biggest motivator as she thought about how to make it work between them. She didn’t want to be miserable, and she assumed that Brynden didn’t want to be miserable either. They did have things in common, so perhaps it would be easy for them to get along after the war was over.

Aryana laid on her bed when she heard footsteps outside her tent. At first, she assumed it was Brynden who likely was finished with a meeting and wanted to spend time with her. She put her book away as she rose up from the bed. There was a smile resting on her lips, perhaps a little excited, but it wasn’t Brynden who looked into her tent. Sir Darron did, but Aryana was still happy to see him. It felt so long ago since they had spoken to each other, and she had missed their conversations. Truly she did look at him as her friend.

"Lady Aryana."

“Sir Darron,” she said, walking up to greet him.

"Are you busy?" Darron asked while Aryana noticed the small smile on his lips.

“No.”

"Can we talk then?"

“Of course.”

As Darron walked into her tent, Aryana turned around and walked towards her bed. Would it be inappropriate for them to sit there? It would be comfortable, and she didn’t think much of it as she sat down at the edge of it, gently patting her hand beside her against the mattress. Darron sat down next to her, and Aryana wondered then what they would talk about. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had seen him smile. Had something happened? She hoped he was feeling better because she only wished for him to feel happy.

"I wanted to apologise, first of all."

“For what?” Aryana asked, frowning at his words.

"I know ever since what happened to Rhea, I've been rude and distant towards everyone, including you. I'm sorry about that."

“You had every right to take your time to deal with what happened to you, Darron. I understand, and thank you for apologising, but it’s okay,” she said as the smile came back to rest on her lips.

"I shouldn't have been so rude, though. You were so kind to me and I was such a prick to you."

“Losing someone is hard, but I forgive you.”

How could Aryana not forgive him? Darron had lost the person he loved through such a horrible tragedy, and she couldn’t imagine what that must have felt like. To her his behaviour was reasonable, and she didn’t think anything bad of him for how he had acted towards her. It only made sense that he would grow distant. She was sure she would have done the same if she would have lost someone she loved. He had just needed some time, and she was glad that it seemed like he was doing better now. The past didn’t matter that much.

"Thank you."

“Are you feeling better?”

"Not really."

“Oh, are you still upset?”

"I'm not really upset, but I'm not happy either."

That wasn’t exactly what Aryana had wanted to hear. She had genuinely thought that he was doing better, but at least it was good that he didn’t feel upset anymore. Hopefully he would find happiness soon, because she liked when Darron had been happy. Though they hadn’t really been that close, she did care for him. Perhaps it was strange how she saw him as a friend, but she did feel like they could talk to each other about most things without worrying about any sort of betrayal, and that was important for Aryana.

“Is that what you wanted to talk about?”
 
It had felt somewhat liberating to talk to Elias about everything that had happened with Rhea and him. Darron wasn’t sure why it had been so easy to talk to him - he barely knew the man and yet he already felt like they’d been friends for ages. Now Darron wanted to see if telling Aryana the things he hadn’t yet would feel just as good. In a way, he wanted those closest to him to know, just so that they wouldn’t keep living in lies or half-told truths.

Since Aryana was someone he cared for greatly, it only seemed right that he’d speak to her now. On their way back to Nilfgaard after the war, Darron would speak to the Rhynes. He imagined those would be harder conversations, especially the one with Brynden. Elias had said Antra wouldn’t be mad, and Darron wanted to say that perhaps Willelm wouldn’t be too upset about it either. Brynden would be a challenge, though, and Darron expected a few punches.

“No,” Darron shook his head at her question, “I wanted you to know that I’m going to tell Brynden, Willelm and Antra the truth. The whole truth about Rhea and me.”

"They do deserve to know the truth, but what if they won't like hearing it?"

“It doesn’t matter. They have to know. I need to tell them, I know that now.”

"I think you should do it."

At that, Darron nodded. He knew that that was the right choice, even if the siblings wouldn’t like hearing it. In a way, Darron hoped that perhaps they would be happy that Rhea had been happy with him, or at least that he thought she had been. The one thing Darron wasn’t sure of was if he’d be able to stay calm when speaking of her to her brothers and sister, but he hoped that he would maintain control of himself.

“It’s the right thing to do.”

"I'll make sure that Brynden won't kill you."

“How are things between you and him?” Darron asked, remembering how worried Aryana had been about having to marry him after it had failed the first time.

"Alright I suppose, but I don't trust him."

“Because of the whores?”

"We were making it work for a while. I actually quite liked him, but then he slept with Lady Sarisa."

That was the first time Darron heard that, but he wasn’t really close with Brynden or involved with anyone else to know about things like this. Really, Darron didn’t expect something like that from Brynden, but, again, he didn’t know him so obviously he couldn’t judge if this was out of character or not. What he did know was that Brynden’s mother had passed before Lady Sarisa had come to the camp, so Darron figured that it must’ve been connected to that.

“That’s horrible of him.”

"Then I stabbed him."

“Stabbed him?” Darron couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit at that as he looked over at her, “Aryana…”

"Yes, while he was sleeping."

In a way, it almost seemed like Aryana was proud of what she had done. Darron thought it was a little amusing, really, and he didn’t think badly of her for doing it if Brynden had hurt her like that. She had the right to hurt him back, he thought.

“I would’ve never expected that from you.”

"I thought he deserved it,” Aryana shrugged.

“He did,” Darron nodded and chuckled again, “well done.”

"Do you think I should forgive him?"

“Eventually, maybe. You could stab him a few more times, though.”

"Perhaps I will,” Aryana chuckled.

Because of how sweet Aryana was, it was hard for Darron to imagine her doing something like that. Though he figured that she wasn’t lying, as she didn’t really have a reason to. Darron wondered how mad Brynden had been about it. Since Aryana found it amusing, Darron didn’t think that Brynden had been too angry about it or anything, which was good.

“I hope it works out between you two, though.”

"I hope so too, as long as he stops being with other women."

“Hopefully he’ll learn from his mistakes.”

"Have you been with anyone at all after Rhea?"

Darron shook his head a little at that, “no.”

"Do you think she was the love of your life?"

Before Rhea, Darron hadn’t really cared that much about women apart from getting to fuck them. He rarely ever spent more than one night with the same women, much less have anything deeper with them than sex. It just wasn’t like him back then, but Rhea had changed that about him. With her, it was something else and for the first time Darron actually fell in love. It was just a shame that it ended the way it did.

“Yes, I think she was the one for me.”

"I'm sorry."

“How much did I tell you about me and her?”

"Not that much. You told me you two loved each other, or that you thought she loved you."
Because of when their conversation had happened, Darron didn’t really remember much of it. He didn’t remember that much of his imprisonment anyways. Either way, Darron figured that Elias knew much more about it than Aryana did and for whatever reason that felt wrong in a way. He wanted Aryana to know too, because she had been by his side through it all and she deserved to know too.

“You know how much she hated me in the beginning, right? She always kept hitting me, threatening me and I kept bothering her whenever I got the chance.”
 
Stabbing Brynden had maybe been a mistake, but Aryana didn’t regret it that much anymore as she had before. It didn’t seem like he cared too much about what had happened, and because of that, she didn’t find it necessary to feel guilty about it. Darron seemed to find it amusing, making her laugh at it too since she somehow felt strangely proud of how she had managed to stab Brynden while being drunk. Though it wouldn’t happen again, she now found it slightly funny to think about, and perhaps Brynden would think of it as something funny one day too.

Then they were talking about Rhea again, and Aryana could only remember the one conversation they’d had about her while Darron had been imprisoned. Before that, she had only spoken to Rhea once when she had come to tell her about Brynden and his whores. She seemed like a nice person. Aryana had no reason to think otherwise, but she did wish she had perhaps tried to get to know her more. They hadn’t been strangers, but now that she was dead it did slightly feel like she didn’t really know anything about Rhea.

Listening to Darron talk about her made Aryana a little happy. It was upsetting to think about the fact that she was dead, but knowing how much he had loved her somewhat inspired Aryana to want that with Brynden. Perhaps that was silly of her, but she liked hearing him talk about Rhea. It felt nice and comfortable to talk to Darron, and she knew for sure that she could sit there for the rest of the night only listening to him speak about her. She wanted him to understand that she truly did care for him and that she wanted him to trust her.

“Why did you do that?”

"Annoy her?"

“Yes.”

"Because I liked her and I wanted her attention... and it was funny."

Aryana chuckled before she asked, “when did you fall in love with her?”

"I don't know, it just happened. I always liked her a little more than I wanted to admit, though. I think I fancied her the moment I saw her."

“Did you sleep with her?”

That was maybe a weird question to ask, but Aryana was curious, and she liked to think that she could talk to Darron about anything or ask anything without being judged. It sounded like he had been deeply in love with her if he had already started liking her the moment he saw her. She could faintly recall what their first meeting with the Rhynes had been like, and it hadn’t seemed like Rhea liked Darron. Clearly she and everyone else who had thought that was wrong though.

"Yes. Brynden almost caught us once."

“That sounds like fun,” she chuckled.

"It was fun. Though I had to sit through the whole meeting with --"

Darron cleared his throat then, looking away, but Aryana kept her gaze on him as she only grew more curious, “what? I don’t mind talking about this.”

"Sorry that I'm a little hesitant to tell you about how hard I was. Didn't seem appropriate."

“I don’t care. I find it interesting to talk about.”

Aryana had talked about inappropriate topics with Antra for a long time now, and she didn’t find it that weird to talk about. If anything she was curious because she had never experienced something like that before. Perhaps she would one day with Brynden, or she knew she would when they would be married, but she somewhat doubted that they would explore anything like that before that. At least not now when she didn’t fully trust him. Though she was still very curious, and perhaps that would change her plans on waiting.

"But you've never...?"

“No.”

"Well, it's fun. A lot of fun."

“I want to try, but I’m not sure I trust Brynden enough to do it with him.”

"That's understandable. You don't want to do it with someone you don't trust."

“So I should do it with someone I trust?”

"Yes. Especially your first time."

“The only person I trust here is you.”

That was the truth. Though Aryana didn’t consider sleeping with Darron, he was the only person she trusted except for Antra. She knew that it would be better to wait, but what if she would never trust Brynden? There was still that uncertainty she had about him that was causing her to be a little on edge about him. Perhaps she should have tried with Darron. He could make her feel safe, and she had always felt comfortable around him.

As their gaze met then, Darron looked a little confused, but now Aryana was actually considering it.

“You’re the only one I trust, Darron.”

"What are you saying?" Darron chuckled.

“I want to try it with someone I trust.”

"And that would be me?"

“Only if you want to.”

"Are you sure, Aryana?"

Aryana nodded then, sinking her teeth gently into her bottom lip as she kept her gaze on him. All of a sudden then when Darron raised his hand to stroke her hair behind her ear, this heat spread through her body and his touch almost burned against her skin. Carefully she reached forward to grab his other hand, moving it to rest against her waist as she scooted closer to him on the bed. This was what she wanted now. She was sure that Darron was the person who would make her feel comfortable and safe. Perhaps it was wrong, but she wanted it.

"Are you really sure?"

“Yes.”
 
Their conversation had taken a turn that Darron hadn’t expected and he wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about it. He did believe what he said about how it was important that you slept with someone you trusted, though Darron only thought that was true for women mostly. Before Rhea, Darron had laid with many women. Most of them he had paid to sleep with him, but that didn’t really make it any different. Trust was nowhere to be found with them, but the whole thing was a bit different for women.

It could be painful for women and that took the fun straight out of it. Some men found pleasure in that, but Darron sure as fuck didn’t. Now that they were talking about it, he didn’t want Aryana to have a bad experience as her first. She deserved to be treated well and be with someone she trusted so that she could relax and enjoy it. According to her, Darron was the person she trusted enough for this.

Now, Darron had always known that Aryana was a sweet and beautiful girl, but he rarely saw her as anything more than his Lord’s daughter. They were friends and they’d never tried for anything more. It was something that Darron hadn’t even considered. Had Aryana? They had known each other for long, and perhaps the girl did fancy him a little? Though Darron didn’t want to get ahead of himself, maybe it wasn’t that deep.

Ever since Rhea, Darron hadn’t really spent much time around women. Aryana was the only girl that he found himself in the company of, and he never expected anything like this to happen between them. He wasn’t sure how he felt about all of this, partly because he wasn’t sure why he wasn’t feeling guilty or ashamed for considering it. Darron was supposed to feel bad about it, right? He had always been under the impression that the thought of Rhea would stop him from doing something like this, but now, with his hand in Aryana’s hair and one on her waist, he felt nothing.

Before Rhea, sex didn’t have real meaning to Darron, perhaps it was the same after her. Darron knew he didn’t feel anything deep towards Aryana, and he knew he never would. Right now, though, his mind was filling with thoughts of her that he’d never had before. It was strange to think of her like this, and yet Darron didn’t feel too bad about it, because that was what she wanted, what she was asking him for.

First kisses were always a bit strange, even Darron couldn’t deny that though he had had many firsts. He wondered if Aryana had even been kissed before, but he didn’t ask her before he leant in to gently press his lips against hers. Maybe Darron didn’t feel guilty because he felt nothing towards her? Or perhaps because he was doing it for Aryana, not himself? While Darron felt no real feelings towards Aryana, his body was already awakening by something that had obviously been missing from his life for the last few months.

There was still uncertainty in Darron, though, because he wasn’t sure if this was just something impulsive from Aryana’s side. He didn’t want her to do something that she would regret later, because that would only make Aryana upset and that wasn’t something he wanted. Darron cared about the girl, he really did. He wanted her to be happy, and he didn’t want to be the reason why she’d be upset and hurt later.

Though it did feel nice to kiss her, Darron couldn’t deny that. He’d almost forgotten what it felt like to feel someone’s lips against his. They were so soft and sweet, and Darron kept his fingers stroking gently against her hair while Aryana’s hand moved to rest on his cheek. It felt good, and Darron wanted to keep doing it. He also wanted to feel guilty for it, but he didn’t and he wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.

After a little while of their lips moving against each other’s, Darron pulled away slightly to press their foreheads together. He moved his hand to rest on her cheek while his thumb stroked against her bottom lip and his other hand squeezed around her waist. In a way, Darron wanted this or perhaps even needed this. He wasn’t entirely sure why, but his mind just wasn’t letting him stop what was going on.

“You know you won’t be able to undo this.”

"I want this. I want you, Darron."

Maybe Aryana was just using him so that she wouldn’t have to give her maidenhead to Brynden, because of how disrespectful he’d been towards her. Really, Darron didn’t care all that much about that. She could use him if she wanted to do so, Darron didn’t really mind all that much. He’d actually be more worried if it was something more, because it being purely physical for both of them at least made Darron feel safer that he wouldn’t hurt Aryana.

Whatever this was, it confused Darron, but he didn’t stop and he didn’t plan to stop. Obviously, Aryana could tell him to at any moment and he would, but right now she seemed to enjoy kissing him and touching him. It was a bit strange after everything they’d gone through together, but it felt undeniably nice too and Darron leant in to kiss her again.
 
WueKA7P.gif

The First Meeting
Chapter XCIX
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar
​
A whole week had passed since Leanah had tried to speak to Arthor about how they could no longer be together. What had happened that day frightened her, and she had avoided him whenever she ventured outside of her bedchamber. At times she wished that he hadn’t treated her like that because she so desperately needed someone to lean onto as she knew that soon the man she would marry would arrive in Santrella. What Arthor had done only made her more nervous to meet him because she wondered if all men were like that.

Clearly Leanah couldn’t trust Arthor. For so long she had thought that he was a good man, and now she wasn’t sure what to think of him anymore. He had disrespected her and treated her as if her feelings and boundaries didn’t matter to him. They had been so good together, and she had often thought that he would protect her from anything, but now she felt like she needed protection from him and his hurtful ways of treating her. No matter how much she wanted him to be her friend, she doubted that they would ever be friends again after this.

How could Leanah forgive Arthor for this?

Through everything though it was difficult for Leanah to let go of the love she held for Arthor. At times she found herself trying to make up excuses for his behaviour, so it would be easier for her to forgive him, but she stayed stubborn and kept avoiding him as she no longer thought it was a good idea for them to be near each other. She knew too well that if she would see him, it would only end up with her sobbing in his arms about how much she wanted him. It made her feel pathetic how she still longed for his touch after everything that had happened.

Her naivety was getting the better of her. Leanah didn’t know how to handle these frightening emotions she had regarding Arthor and Lord Adian who would arrive today. Wasn’t there still some time to go find Arthor and tell him to take her far away so they could be together? She didn’t understand why she had such thoughts about him still, but she felt so in love with him that she once again was losing her grip, forgetting about the reality of the situation. In the end, she didn’t want to marry Lord Adian. She worried he would be cruel and that she would never be loved.

That morning Leanah had spent hours in her bedchamber with her handmaidens getting ready to meet her future husband. It seemed as if everyone was making such a big deal out of the situation. The castle seemed excited. They had all the right to be excited, but she wasn’t. When she looked in the mirror, she saw how sad her eyes looked and how the smile she tried to force didn’t look even slightly genuine. Her handmaidens kept saying sweet words to her, but she didn’t listen. All she could think about was how she potentially could be miserable forever.

Leanah hoped Arthor wouldn’t be there when they would meet with the Warrin’s in the courtyard. He was her mother’s guard, but she didn’t want him to distract her from this. After thinking of her mother’s words, it didn’t matter how worried she felt about Lord Adian. She knew she had to make a good impression on him unless she truly wanted to be miserable. Perhaps he would be kind to her if she would be kind to him? Though it wouldn’t be genuine, Leanah knew that Arthor would only distract her from pretending to be happy.

But then Leanah saw Arthor as she walked out into the courtyard.

Then she couldn’t tear her gaze away from him as her heart sank into her stomach. Gods, how much she loved that man. His stupid behaviour hadn’t been enough to make that love go away. She didn’t trust him, but she still looked at him so longingly while she walked towards her mother. Their gaze never met, and that somehow made Leanah more upset. He looked so sad, so lost even that all she wanted to do was walk up to him and cup his face while telling him that she still loved him. With her mother and other guards there, that wasn’t possible.

"It's going to be alright,” her mother said, and Leanah looked up at her to see her smile.

It wasn’t. Leanah felt her heart racing in her chest as she tried to calm down. All she could do was nod and smile back though her smile likely looked very forced. She wanted to tell her that she felt frightened, but she knew that wouldn’t be a good idea now. Then she would start crying, and her handmaidens had used such a long time to make her look presentable to for the man she was to marry. As the sound of hooves echoed through the courtyard, Leanah let her gaze fall, looking at the ground beneath her instead of the men arriving on their horses.

For the next few minutes, Leanah felt as if she was losing herself. She felt dizzy like the world around her was spinning as she didn’t know how to react to all of this. There was someone talking. She recognised her mother’s voice, but not the other one. That must have been him, but Leanah kept her gaze away from him, not daring to look up at him yet. What if he wouldn’t treat her well? Her mother had said he was kind, but Leanah had thought Arthor was kind too until he had been so forceful with her in his room. She couldn’t trust anyone right now.

While pleasantries were being exchanged, Leanah fumbled with her fingers, feeling how she wanted to run away never to be seen again by anyone, but then she looked up. Seeing Lord Adian stand there made it all very real to her that this man would be her husband. Now she couldn’t seem to tear her gaze away from him as she just stared at him, wondering if she was supposed to say anything. What was she supposed to say? She felt lost, looking at him with her lips slightly parted, not finding the right words to say. She was pathetic.

Leanah wanted to glance over at Arthor to see what he thought of this, but she couldn’t. She was losing herself in Lord Adian’s gaze now, feeling how heavy it felt to breathe all of a sudden. It was as if someone was suffocating her, and the need to run away was only growing bigger and bigger, but then she kept thinking that this man would be hers one day. She would be his. They would marry and bring a new Hastwyck heir into the world. She was supposed to love him and be a good wife to him, but she felt so unsure, so very nervous. What if he would hurt her?
 
The ride to Santrella had been pleasant, or as pleasant as it could’ve been. Though leaving Ellfasera was harder than Adian had anticipated. It had been his home for thirty years now and now he was leaving it and his House behind, leaving it all to his sister and her husband. While he trusted her and loved her, Adian was a bit hesitant to leave this all in his hands, as he knew how hard it was to rule, even lesser lands like those of House Warrin.

Still, Adian wished them all the best before leaving on the journey to Santrella. It was exciting obviously, how could it not be? Adian would become part of House Hastwyck and marry a beautiful and kind woman. He had nothing to complain about. Everything felt right at this moment, and Adian couldn’t wait to start his new life in Santrella.

It was a little tough not to get nervous about the whole thing. Adian was worried that Lady Leanah might not like him. What if she wouldn’t? The whole way to Santrella, Adian kept thinking of her and how to make sure that he wouldn’t embarrass himself in front of her somehow. Nobody had told him that it would be this nerve-wrecking to meet the woman that would be his wife, but Adian had never felt this stressed before.

The journey to Santrella was long enough that Adian’s nerves calmed down a little, but once they rode through the gates of the capital, they became worse than before. It felt like his heart might jump out of his mouth when he saw Lady Carlys and her daughter Leanah. He had seen them before as he’d been in Santrella a handful of times, but he’d only ever been formally introduced to Carlys. Leanah was still very much a stranger to him.

In an effort to calm down, Adian first went to Lady Carlys and exchanged some pleasantries with her. He liked the woman, he thought that the South was in capable hands under her and Adian wondered if Leanah was similar to her in character. It felt so strange to stand so close to Leanah while not even looking at her to truly see her and her beauty.

When Adian did finally move his attention to her, he felt at a loss for words. He’d seen her in passing, but now that he stood in front of her, he was absolutely smitten by her beauty. Gods, she was as beautiful as the Maiden herself. For a moment, Adian felt like his mind had been completely erased and he felt so dumb as he stood there. Finally, though, he snapped out of it as a gentle smile rested on his lips.

“Lady Leanah,” Adian nodded his head as he leant down to take her hand and press his lips against it.

"Lord Adian."

Hearing Leanah say his name made Adian smile brighter at her as he straightened up and lowered her hand, letting go of it. He wasn’t sure how Leanah felt about all of this, he hadn’t asked Lady Carlys in any of their letters and he hadn’t had the chance yet to ask her privately. It was a bit strange for him to marry a stranger and he assumed that Leanah must feel the same, though he hoped that they would have some time together before the wedding.

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” he smiled.

There was a small pause before Leanah smiled a little back at him, "it’s a pleasure to meet you too."

Right now, Adian wanted to talk to Leanah and find out more about her, perhaps tell her more about him if she’d like to. Though he didn’t quite feel like it was the right moment now, as he thought it’d be more valuable if they’d be alone. Adian didn’t know how to suggest that, though, but the Gods and Lady Carlys must’ve read his thoughts and he wanted to thank the woman as she spoke.

“You two must have lots to talk about. Might I suggest the gardens? They’re quite lovely.”

That sounded like a good idea to Adian, so he looked towards Leanah again to see if she thought that as well. It seemed like she liked the sound of it, as Leanah nodded with a smile. That sealed the deal and Adian smiled back at her. They’d get some privacy then and Adian thought that the gardens sounded like a romantic place to be. Perhaps that would make it easier for them to talk to one another.

“Wonderful,” Lady Carlys smiled, “Lord Warrin, I’ll make sure your men feel at home here.”

“Thank you, Lady Carlys,” Adian nodded his head at her before looking at Leanah again, holding out his arm for her to take.

Only when Lady Carlys began walking off with his men and hers, and Leanah’s hand rested on his arm did Adian realise that he had no clue where to go. Not like that was his fault, so Leanah shouldn’t be mad at him for not knowing her city yet. Adian imagined that he would soon learn everything about it, because one day he would rule over it with her by his side.

“I don’t know where to go, My Lady. You’ll have to lead the way,” he chuckled as he looked down at her.

"Perhaps you should be the one holding onto me then."

“Perhaps. Might look a little strange, though.”

"I suppose you're right. It's not that far, just follow the path."

With a nod, Adian began walking with her. If the cobblestone path wouldn’t diverge into smaller paths, then they should be fine. Adian was already dreading getting to learn the castle, because he knew that he would get lost in it more than once, undoubtedly. Finding his way around new places was always hard for him, but perhaps Leanah could show him around.

“I’ve heard many things about you,” Adian spoke as they walked, then quickly continued, “all of them were good, don’t worry.”
 
The gardens had always been her favourite place to be. It sounded like a good idea to take Lord Adian there. They would have the privacy they likely needed to get to know each other, but Leanah wasn’t looking forward to visiting the gardens now. Arthor had been the one to escort her through those gardens for as long as they had been friends. That place reminded him of the moments they had shared and the risky kisses Leanah had shared with him. It felt as if the gardens belonged to Arthor and her. It had been their place for so long.

But now Leanah was sharing that place with a man she barely knew. A complete stranger.

It was strange because Leanah had always been very talkative. As a child, she had always been very expressive and loud. Now she was the complete opposite, just wishing that this day would soon be over so she wouldn’t have to speak to Lord Adian for long. She knew too well that she couldn’t act like that though. The best thing she could do was try, and then if it wouldn’t work out, she could worry about that later. She didn’t want to be miserable. She knew she was the one in control of her fate as it was all depending on giving him a chance or not.

Leanah felt so nervous though. It felt wrong and awkward, and she wasn’t sure how she was supposed to give him a good impression of her when she couldn’t even speak to him without feeling as if her words didn’t make sense. At least he genuinely seemed to be a kind man, but she knew better than to trust a first impression now. That could quickly change, and it was so difficult for Leanah to put just an ounce of trust in Lord Adian’s hands. She was thankful for the fact that he seemed to be leading the conversation then as she wasn’t sure what to do.

“Well, I hope people aren’t saying bad things about me. That would be very rude,” she said, trying to find herself as she had a more humorous tone to her voice now. Perhaps a little humour would calm her down.

"Oh no, My Lady. I promise it's quite the opposite. I haven't heard a single bad thing about you."

“I’m afraid I haven’t heard much about you, My Lord.”

This was the first time Leanah had ever been with a Lord like this. She had met many Lords, but never one that she would one day marry. It was also true that she hadn’t heard much about him, which only made her more nervous as she didn’t know what to expect. Her mother had said he was kind and that he was a good man, but could she trust her mother’s judgement? In the end, her mother had been right about Arthor and his tendencies, but Leanah wasn’t sure who she could trust anymore, and she decided not to trust her mother’s words about him.

"That's alright. You'll get to know me soon, I hope."

“Tell me about yourself.”

"What would you like to hear?"

“What do you like to do? Do you have any interests?”

"I like exploring places. I am very prone to getting lost, though."

Leanah couldn’t deny that she liked exploring as well. Even if she didn’t do it too often since it was often dangerous for her to venture outside of the castle, she did enjoy it. Now she couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to go riding through the desert with Lord Adian. Would she like that? She wasn’t sure, but she decided not to get her hopes up just because they had one thing in common. It was also amusing how he was prone to getting lost which made her chuckle quietly as she looked up at him with a smile.

“I like that too, but I don’t do that often. Not because I get lost, but because it’s quite dangerous,” she said, chuckling quietly again.

"That's reasonable. It wouldn't be that dangerous if we'd go together, though,” he smiled.

“Perhaps one day we can do that then.”

"I'd like that."

Instead of answering Leanah feel silent as they walked into the gardens. She let her gaze wander then, not focusing as much on Lord Adian. The familiarity of the gardens was comforting, especially now that she was holding onto a man she barely knew. She let go of him then, walking over to the bed of flowers. Usually she would pick some to put in Arthor’s hair, but now he wasn’t here so instead she looked at them, gently letting her fingers caress the petals. They looked just as beautiful as ever, but they were making her miss Arthor so much.

Leanah heard footsteps coming closer to her, and as she looked up, she met Lord Adian’s gaze with a slight smile resting on her lips, “I love being here. This is my favourite place to be.”

"It's beautiful here."

“I used to be here almost every day. I haven’t grown tired of it yet,” she quietly chuckled, still looking at him though he wasn’t looking at her.

"I like it here. It's peaceful,” he nodded, smiling at her as he met her gaze.

Leanah thought he was handsome. She hadn’t quite expected that since her thoughts had been so negative, but it was almost as if she wasn’t letting herself get attracted to him. He would be her husband, and she would have to see him every day, so at least it was a good thing that he was pretty to look at, though she wasn't entirely admitting that to herself yet. The love she had for Arthor was holding her back, and Leanah looked away from him then as Arthor came back to her mind, making her smile fade a little.

“I agree,” she mumbled quietly.
 
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To Adian it seemed like Leanah was a quiet, shy girl. Or perhaps she was just nervous? Either way, he didn’t really mind it at all. It didn’t feel to him like she was entirely comfortable around him, but that was fine too. They were strangers after all, and she was alone with him for the first time straight after meeting him. Adian couldn’t expect her to be on board with him immediately.

That meant that Adian would be very patient and thoughtful during their meetings. He had to be to make sure that Leanah wouldn’t feel unsafe around him or something along those lines. Adian was a good man, everyone always kept telling him that, so he thought that it shouldn’t be too hard to achieve that. So far things seemed to be going well, actually, and that made Adian happy.

“Are you alright?”

At that, Leanah turned to him and nodded, "yes, I'm alright, My Lord."

“You don’t have to call me that,” Adian chuckled.

“Okay.”

It felt like what he was saying wasn’t really working. Adian felt nervous again as he struggled to figure out how to save the situation. He didn’t want her to feel strange or awkward, but right now it felt inevitable. Maybe Adian should just skip over this and pretend like he didn’t notice how off Leanah seemed. Would that make her feel better? Maybe it would’ve, but Adian, according to his sister, was dumb as a rock when it came to things like this.

“You’re nervous, probably. I’m nervous too, if it helps.”

"I'm frightened."

“Of me or of marrying me?”

“Everything,” Leanah shrugged as she looked up at him.

That didn’t really make Adian feel great, but he figured that it would just take a little time. They had just met, Leanah probably hadn’t dreamt her whole childhood of marrying some stranger. It was a scary situation to be in, Adian understood that and he didn’t think any less of her or feel offended by it. Really, he couldn’t judge Leanah when he himself was slightly terrified of the future.

“That’s alright. I understand.”

"I'm sorry."

“About what? You’ve done nothing wrong.”

"I shouldn't be frightened of you. You've done nothing wrong either."

“But you shouldn’t apologise about the way you feel. It’s not something you can really control.”

Leanah nodded at that, “you’re right.”

Now Adian would just have to prove to Leanah that it wasn’t something to be afraid of. He’d have to figure out a way to do that in the coming weeks before the wedding, and he hoped that he’d manage to achieve that. Adian wanted Leanah to feel safe and protected with him, because soon enough he would be her husband and he was supposed to be his wife’s guardian.

“Are you alright with being alone with me?”

“Yes.”

At least that calmed Adian down. Partly because he didn’t want to go back to the castle just yet or ask for a guard to accompany them. He felt good being alone with her, it gave them a chance to truly talk about things, even if they didn’t make Adian too happy. At least he knew now why she was acting strangely, and now he would try to make her feel safer, he just had to figure out how.

“Alright, good. We can stay here for a while longer then.”

"I don't mind if we stay here for a while. I'd actually like that I think."

That made Adian smile at her again as he nodded, “I’d like that too.”

At that, Leanah took his arm again as they began to walk again. Adian figured that they were done talking about that for now and that he should move on to a different topic. He could ask her maybe a million questions by this point, as he truly knew only a few things about her. Really, Adian mostly just knew about her family, as that was what he’d learnt as a child from his Maester.

“We have a garden back home, as well. Compared to this, it doesn’t really have a right to call itself a garden, though.”

"Will you miss it?"

“Of course. I’ll miss everything about home.”

"How do you feel about living here for the rest of your life?"

“Well, it’s scary to start over in a new place. Apart from that, though, I’m excited. I like Santrella.”

"Hopefully you will be happy here."

“Hopefully,” Adian chuckled.

All he wanted was happiness, really, and preferably to share it with Leanah. He didn’t know her, but he did want to make her happy, because he already felt that duty as her soon-to-be husband. That wasn’t strange, right? Adian was just keen on making the people around him happy. He didn’t think there was anything wrong with that, though perhaps he got a bit annoying sometimes in his attempts.

"Why are you nervous, though?"

“Because marrying a stranger is a bit nerve-wrecking,” Adian chuckled.

"I want to get to know you so we won't be strangers when we marry."

“I want that, too. I’d like to spend as much time as I can with you before the wedding.”

"I don't mind doing that."

“Good,” Adian smiled and chuckled, “hopefully I won’t annoy you too much.”

"I'm usually very talkative, so I think I would be the one annoying you."

“I doubt that.”

Perhaps Leanah wasn’t as shy as it had seemed to Adian just now. It was probably what she had said earlier that made her a bit quiet. In that case, Adian couldn’t wait for her to open up a little and really feel like herself around him. He could talk for hours with the right person, and perhaps Leanah be that person eventually. Adian hoped so, at least.
 
So many thoughts were rushing through her mind at once that Leanah was slowly becoming overwhelmed with the situation she found herself in. First, she would feel frightened that Adian would be cruel towards her, and in the other, she saw the kindness in his eyes and his soft words that were almost strangely reassuring her. It was unlike her to act like this. She loved talking to other people to make them her friends or make them feel happy. That was how she had gotten to know Arthor in the first place, and now she was acting so shy and distant.

What had happened between Arthor and her had made her so stubborn about not giving Adian a chance, but here he was making her feel comfortable in his presence. How could she not want to give him a chance then? Though their conversation was slightly awkward, it also felt easy to talk to him now that she was slowly starting to loosen up. Again and again, she kept telling herself that she had to give him a chance or else she would end up miserable for the rest of her life, and she so desperately wanted to be happy.

“You wouldn’t be able to annoy me. I like having someone to talk to,” she said, and that was the truth.

Leanah had always been so dependent on Arthor being around her that she doubted Adian wanting to be around her often would bother her. Perhaps a little in the beginning because she wasn’t used to his company, but she wanted to think about the situation from a positive perspective. She would likely spend every day for the rest of her life with him. Being annoyed with his presence wouldn’t do either of them any good.

"Is that a challenge?" Adian asked, and Leanah looked at him as he raised his brow.

“Maybe,” she chuckled.

"You'll regret saying that,” he smiled.

“I doubt that.”

At that Adian laughed and hearing that made Leanah feel a little more comfortable. Humour was important to her, and making him laugh made her feel good about herself. Then their marriage wouldn’t be boring as she could only imagine what their marriage would have been like if they weren’t able to laugh together. Though she felt a little upset about everything, Leanah couldn’t help but laugh a little with him as she kept her gaze on him.

"You're laughing now, but soon enough you'll see I was right all along."

“Are you saying that I will live the rest of my life with a man who annoys me?”

"I'm afraid so."

“How will I survive?”

"I don't know, Lady Leanah, but my heart breaks for you, truly."

When Adian looked away, Leanah kept her gaze on him. It was strange how she suddenly felt comforted by him now. He was making her forget all about Arthor and what he had done to her. Instead she found herself curious about Adian and what he was like. Maybe that was a little pathetic of her to think, but slowly her stubbornness was starting to fade, and she was letting herself grow interested in Adian. He was making her feel a little happy though the situation was quite the mess for her since she still loved Arthor so much.

“I suppose I will have to live with it somehow.”

"I'll try not to be too unbearable,” he said as their gaze met again.

It seemed like Adian was trying not to smile, but that only made Leanah smile at how enjoyable their conversation was becoming, “if not I’ll just have to get rid of you.”

"I'll sleep with one eye open."

“Good luck with that,” Leanah chuckled.

Now when Adian laughed again, losing the act he had tried to keep up, Leanah felt even more happier about this. She was genuinely having fun now walking through the gardens with him, but she stopped up to look at him then with a sweet smile resting on her lips. He stopped as well, and they were both looking at each other. Now it was easier for her to think that he was attractive, but he was somewhat helping her open up. She couldn’t explain how, but it was as if it was just happening naturally. Perhaps that would change once she’d think of Arthor again.

“I want to hear what you have heard about me.”

"Not really that much, actually. Mostly about how beautiful, kind and smart you are."

Hearing that made Leanah blush slightly. Did he think she was beautiful? Instead of asking that she said, “I’ve heard that you’re kind too.”

"Well, I'm glad that somebody says nice things about me for once,” he chuckled.

“I think you’re kind, but perhaps I can’t trust my own judgement as I don’t know you yet.”

It was true that Leanah did think he seemed like a kind man, but it was also true that she couldn’t quite trust her own judgement yet. They would have to spend more time together before she would be completely sure that he was a good man. But most of all she had to fix the problems that Arthor had caused for her, and she wasn’t sure how to do that yet. She imagined she would have to talk to him, but she didn’t want that. He still frightened her, and he had made her frightened of Adian as well. That wasn’t fair, and Leanah didn’t like feeling that way.
 
It was so nice to hear her laugh along with him. It made Adian happy and lose the nervousness that had taken over his body. With humor, it was always easier to get through awkward situations and that proved true once more right now. At least Adian thought so, and he hoped that Leanah felt a little easier now too. He wanted her to feel comfortable, and now Adian thought that the best way to approach that might be to make her laugh.

When Leanah said she couldn’t say for sure if he was kind or not, it seemed reasonable for Adian. For all she knew, he could’ve slaughtered a dozen orphans on his way here. Just like Leanah said, she didn’t know him, but Adian would prove to her that he was kind and that he would be good to her. He wanted her to know that and he wanted her to not be frightened. But it would take some time, Adian realised that and respected that.

“That’s true. You’re smart for knowing that. So that means that everything I’ve heard about you is true,” Adian nodded and chuckled

"So you wouldn't mind marrying me?"

He shrugged at that and chuckled, “I have to get to know you a bit more before I can really answer that. I’m pretty optimistic, though.”

"That's good."

“How is life in Santrella? Exciting?”

"Boring."

“How so?”

"There's not enough annoying people here."

That made Adian smile again as he shrugged, “don’t worry, My Lady. I’m here to fix that.”

"Good. That makes me happy."

Why had he been so nervous? This was easy. At least right now it felt easy. For their first conversation, Adian thought that they were doing quite well. He had honestly thought it would be a lot more disastrous than this, but this wasn’t bad at all. Adian was enjoying himself and it seemed like Leanah was having fun too, which mattered to him more than his own joy.

“Consider me your annoying knight in shining armour, here to save you from boredom.”

"I look forward to that, but don't expect any reward,” Leanah said, smiling at him.

“Of course. Knights do kind deeds for free, not for any rewards,” Adian smiled.

"I'm glad you think that."

“Do you have a favourite place in the gardens?”

“Yes.”

With that, Leanah took his hand and began walking, pulling him with her. Adian chuckled a little and followed her without questioning it. He liked the gardens so far. As he’d said, they were peaceful and he liked that. Adian figured that they might come here often, or at least he would like to take her here often since she said that this was her favourite place to be.

The spot Leanah took him to was indeed beautiful. Adian spent quite a bit just looking around as he took in his surroundings, smiling a little bit at how gorgeous it was here. It was true that the gardens back home had nothing to this. In comparison, they looked so boring to this. Though it was to be expected, as the gardens of Santrella must’ve been known all around Aedighar for their beauty.

“This is beautiful,” Adian mumbled, smiling to himself.

Nodding, Leanah agreed with him as she walked off without him again. Adian didn’t really mind as he used that time to look around as well until he got a bit bored of being alone and caught up with Leanah again. There was a small smile on her face when she looked back at him again. Adian already wanted to kiss her, but he figured that it was much too soon.

“So you come here often? Is this a good place to just think and unwind?”

"Whenever I feel the need to think I go here. If I'm upset I'll sit here for hours, so I'd say I come here often."

Perhaps Leanah didn’t want him to really pick up on what she had said, but Adian did anyways. Was she upset a lot because of what had happened to her family? Perhaps the war was making her feel down? Either way, Adian doubted that Leanah would tell him and that was alright. Maybe one day she would share with him what made her so upset, and he would be able to help her.

“I suppose that’s not great. But at least you have a place to go then.”

"I feel at ease here."

“I can see why. It’s beautiful, quiet. It’s nice,” Adian nodded, looking around.

"If I ever get too annoyed with you, this is where you'll find me."

Adian chuckled a little, “I’ll remember that.”

Leanah chuckled too, but she seemed quiet again and Adian wondered if she was beginning to slip away from him again. He didn’t want that. Adian had enjoyed their conversation and laughter and he wanted to keep that going, not make this into an awkward silence. In a way, Adian was almost desperate to talk to Leanah about literally anything, just so they wouldn’t feel uncomfortable around each other.

“Tell me something interesting about you.”
 
It made Leanah upset to stand in her favourite place in the gardens without the person who had made the gardens so special to her. How had Arthor managed to hurt her so badly? She felt heartbroken without him, and that feeling was so wrong. They weren’t supposed to love each other, but it wasn’t as if she could control her emotions. Adian had said so himself. For a moment he had made her happy. The gardens had made her happy, but now she felt the need to escape reality, and Arthor could give that to her, and she longed for him now.

If Adian was truly a kind person, he didn’t deserve this kind of treatment from her. Then Leanah should have given him a chance and learned to love him when they’d become husband and wife, but now she doubted she would able to do that. Just seeing how quickly her happiness dwindled made her realise that no matter if she felt comfortable with him or not, Arthor would still linger on her mind, making her unable to stay happy. How was it possible to forget about a person she had loved so much and shared so much with?

As he asked her to tell him something interesting about her, Leanah looked away from Adian. She raised her hand to rub against her cheek, trying to think of something to say. That Arthor had once attempted to teach her how to fight? That Arthor and her used to gossip and that Leanah was rather fond of that? Everything that came to her mind was Arthor, and she so desperately wanted it to stop. Had her life just revolved around him so much that she had forgotten about everything else? Was there nothing interesting about her?

“I once tried to learn how to swordfight,” she said, trying not to connect Arthor to that story.

"Really?" Adian chuckled.

“Yes,” she nodded, looking at him again.

"And how did that go?"

“I had a lot of fun, but I didn’t learn that much,” she said as she tried to return the smile that Adian had resting on his lips.

"At least you had fun then."

Why did Adian have to be so kind? Leanah felt so conflicted. A kind man was all she wished for, and Adian seemed to fit that so well, but now her heart seemed to belong to someone else. It felt so damn unfair, and she wanted to genuinely like Adian. He was handsome, funny and kind. Leanah couldn’t deny that anymore, but neither could she deny the fact that she still loved Arthor. It wasn’t good, and she wanted to tell Adian that she needed time because she had someone else to make up with first before she could trust him, but she didn’t.

“I liked it though.”

"Fighting?"

“Yes.”

"It can be fun at times, I guess."

“Are you good at it?”

"I should probably say yes to impress you. I'm really not though."

That didn’t really matter to Leanah as she didn’t expect him to be as good as some knights were. Not all men were excellent with a sword, and that wasn’t something she valued. When he would be her husband, it would be his duty to protect her, but she knew that something deeper than just being able to fight with a sword. If anything it made him a little more interesting. Perhaps he didn’t enjoy fighting, and Leanah almost liked the thought of that. Why did men have to be so aggressive all the time? If Adian wasn’t like that, she thought that was a good thing.

“Is there something you consider yourself good at doing?”

"I think I'm quite average at everything, really."

“I find that interesting,” she smiled, pushing Arthor further and further away from her mind.

"Why?"

“Most men are always so aggressive, thinking that being good with a sword is so important. I guess I just find it interesting that you don’t seem like that type of man.”

"Well, I'm glad you think so."

“I think it’s a good thing. I like that.”

If anything the fact that Adian seemed to be calmer than most men only reassured Leanah. She had seen what anger and desperation had made Arthor into a person she couldn’t recognise, and she had been so worried that Adian would be the same way. Now she doubted that slightly, but she still knew better than to trust first impressions. Perhaps he was dishonest to her just to appeal to her more, but that could also be her foolish mind trying to come up with excuses as to why she shouldn’t believe him.

"Why?"

Leanah shrugged then, not wanting to tell Adian the reason why she liked his seemingly calm nature, “I don’t know.”

"I've found that most women don't agree with you."

“What do other women think?”

"They seem to be drawn more to those aggressive men. I don't really care all that much, but it's interesting that you think differently."

“I’ve had bad experiences with aggressive men,” she mumbled then as she shrugged, looking away from him.

When Leanah said that she wanted to take it back as she worried he would ask too many questions. It wasn’t only Arthor and what he had done that made her nervous around aggressive men. That night in the hallway sometimes still lingered in her mind. Arthor had saved her that day, and she was still thankful for that no matter how much he had hurt her. In the end, all those things she had gone through made her unable to see what was so attractive about aggressive men. They only frightened her.
 
It wasn’t that hard for Adian to admit that he wasn’t the best when it came to swordfighting. Some men would’ve been ashamed to admit that, especially to the woman that would be their wife, but Adian didn’t really care all that much. It just wasn’t his strong suit, not all men could be good at fighting. When Leanah said that she actually found that interesting, it made Adian a bit surprised, because he was used to that being the part of him that women liked least.

Maybe there was something that drawed women to aggressive, dangerous men. Adian didn’t understand it, but it wasn’t something he lost sleep over. He figured that some women would like him as he was, and it seemed like Leanah might do just that, unless she was just saying that to make him feel better. Though then she spoke of how aggressive men had given her bad experiences, which Adian quickly catched.

Was that why she was so upset and frightened? Leanah said she had had bad experiences with such men, perhaps she thought that Adian was like that as well. Whatever they had done to her, Adian wouldn’t. He was afraid to ask her any questions, so he decided to not dig any further, even if he would’ve liked to know what happened.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

"Don't worry about it."

Though Adian had promised himself that he wouldn’t ask questions, he couldn’t really hold back, “is that why you’re frightened?”

“Yes.”

That confirmed Adian’s suspicions, but it didn’t really give him anything to work with. If she was frightened because of whatever had happened in the past, then he figured that that could only be fixed with time and patience. Adian would just have to show her that he wasn’t like that, that he wouldn’t hurt her and that he would be good to her. He hoped that she would let him prove that to her.

“I understand,” Adian nodded, “again, I’m sorry.”

"It's okay."

Though she was smiling at him, Adian wanted to reach out and hug her. He thought she might’ve needed that, but he kept his distance from her. Adian did want to find out what had happened and why someone would treat a kind girl like Leanah badly, but he doubted that he’d discover that any time soon. That was alright though, it wasn’t really any of his business anyways.

All Adian could really do then was nod and try to smile back at her. When Leanah looked away from him, though, his smile faded because Adian thought that she looked so sad. He wanted to cheer her up, but he wasn’t entirely sure how. Surely he could spit out a few stupid jokes, but that would really only be temporary and he wasn’t sure if that would work at this moment here.

A short silence set in between them before Adian broke it in the worst way possible, “are you alright?”

“No.”

Obviously. Adian really just wanted to punch himself in his dumb face at this point, but it had almost felt like the only thing to say at that moment. He wanted to help her so badly, but he wasn’t sure how. Adian wasn’t sure if she’d let him help her either.

“Is there anything I can do?”

When Leanah shrugged at that, Adian looked down and nodded a little. He figured that they might as well just head back now, so Leanah could get some space. Just as he was about to suggest that, though, he felt her arms wrap around him and for a moment Adian was too frozen to actually do anything. Only when he snapped out of the initial shock did he wrap his arms around her, holding her pressed close against his chest.

Though Adian didn’t know her, his heart still broke to see her this upset. His first impression of her had been nothing but good and it made no sense to him how someone could make her this hurt. Obviously Adian knew nothing about her past or anything deeper about her, but he doubted that she deserved any of this. In an effort to try and comfort her, Adian stroked his fingers against her spine, resting his cheek lightly against the top of her head.

"It happened during the riots."

The riots must’ve meant the ones that had taken over Santrella after Lady Carlys’ decision of closing the fighting pits. Adian had heard of those, obviously, as they had been quite a big deal around the South, and perhaps in Aedighar as a whole. Riots never meant anything well, people went completely mad during them. He was almost afraid to find out what had happened to Leanah during them.

“What happened?” Adian mumbled.

"A man had managed to get inside the castle, and he attacked me."

It didn’t take a genius to figure out what Leanah likely meant by that. Though Adian didn’t want to assume anything, since perhaps she didn’t mean it like that. It was hard for Adian to think about it in any other way, though. Whatever had happened, though, it was obviously horrible. Adian would’ve thought that the castle was more protected than that. He didn’t want to ask her anything further in case she didn’t want to talk about it, so instead Adian tried to comfort her by squeezing his arms around her gently.

After a while of this, Leanah began to pull away and Adian immediately unwrapped his arms around her since she didn’t want this anymore. Though it was nice in his mind, perhaps Leanah didn’t agree. Adian decided that they would do things Leanah’s way and she would take initiative about everything, so that things could move at her pace. That was fine with him, he just wanted her to feel comfortable.

"Perhaps we could go inside now."

Though Adian would’ve liked to spend more time with her, he figured that they’d have enough hours together in the coming weeks. Though he planned to be respectful, he did want to squeeze in as much time with her as possible. Adian wanted to get to know her and he wouldn’t have anything else to do around Santrella anyways. Hopefully Leanah wouldn’t mind.

“Of course.”


 
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Love
Chapter C
House Hastwyck
Sow knowledge, reap wisdom.
Santrella, Southern lands of Aedighar
​
Once Leanah found herself in the safety and privacy of her bedchamber, tears had started to run down her cheeks. As she looked at herself in the mirror, her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes had grown red. All that time her handmaidens had used to make her look presentable for Lord Adian was getting washed away by the sadness that Arthor had caused her. Was this was heartbreak felt like? That tearing sensation in her chest that wouldn’t go away. She felt empty and lost in a world she didn’t want to stay in.

What would happen if she would perish? Would she be free of her overwhelming emotions then?

It was pathetic of Leanah to have such thoughts, but she couldn’t help it. All she could think about was how in another life she could have been with Arthor. They could have gotten married. She could have woken up every day with him beside of her, waking him up with sweet, delicate kisses as she whispered sweet nothings in his ear. It sounded so blissful. A life without him seemed miserable, but not only was he being taken away from her, but he had ruined their chances at maintaining a friendship, leaving Leanah feeling rather lonely without him.

There was no doubt that Leanah missed him. When Lord Adian had escorted her back inside the castle, she had wanted to find Arthor to speak to him, but she didn’t have the courage to do so. She was too scared that he would hurt her, and it frightened her that she would have to meet the harsh reality of not being able to be with him anymore. They had been so good together. Leanah couldn’t seem to forget about all their memories, especially their good ones. Their lazy mornings and long evenings together where she had never felt happier.

What was she supposed to do without him? Leanah needed Arthor in her life, more than she needed anything else. She loved him, and she hoped that he still loved her.

It was getting late. The sun had finally started to set, and Leanah had opened the shutters in front of her window to let in some fresh air into her bedchamber. She stood there leaning against the cobblestone while looking out at the world outside. One day it would all be hers, and she didn’t feel ready. She wasn’t ready to rule Santrella with Lord Adian by her side. She wasn’t ready to marry him, and she didn’t want to marry him. He was kind, and his touch had been comforting, but they weren’t supposed to be together. Arthor was supposed to be with her.

There was a knock on her door, and Leanah turned to look at it. Her mind wandered then at who it could be. Was Lord Adian already back? He had said that he would be annoying, but he also seemed respectful enough to know that he shouldn’t have bothered her at this time of day, especially when she had made it very clear that she was upset. It couldn’t be him. Leanah walked towards the door, trying to figure out if she should have just pretended to be asleep so she wouldn’t have to find out who stood behind it or not, but she didn’t do that.

Leanah opened the door, and her gaze fell on Arthor. All day she had thought about him, but now seeing him standing in front of her didn’t feel the same as she had expected. His presence still frightened her, and she wasn’t sure anymore if it would be such a good idea to let him into her bedchamber. What if he would hurt her?

“Lady Leanah.”

“Sir Arthor,” she said quietly.

“I wanted to apologise about my behaviour. It wasn't right,” he mumbled.

“It wasn’t.”

“I know that. I don't know why I did any of that. I'm so sorry.”

Hearing those words made Leanah want to trust him again. She wanted to let him inside and tell him that they could figure something out together, but she knew too well that it wouldn’t work out. They could never be lovers again, and never do the things they had done together again. There was no possible way for them to work out no matter how strong their love would be. Their love didn’t matter to anyone. Not her mother or the people in Aedighar. If anything they’d get angry and execute Arthor and taint her name forever. It was so unfair.

“You scared me.”

“I scared myself.”

“But I missed you.”

When Arthor didn’t say anything then, Leanah knew that it had been wrong of her to say that. She wasn’t supposed to miss him. She was supposed to let him go and get over what they had shared, but she couldn’t. Every day she had thought about Arthor even if some of those thoughts hadn’t been good. Leanah reached for his hand then, taking a step away from the door as she pulled him inside. It was difficult for her to let go of his hand as she closed the door, but she did anyway, keeping a little distance between them as she stood by the door.

They weren’t looking at each other, or Leanah was looking at him, but Arthor wasn’t facing her. Now she felt conflicted. Either she could walk up to him and hug him, or she could stay against the door while staying silent. In the end, she walked up to him, wrapping her arms around him from behind, placing her hands against his chest as she leaned up to press her lips softly against his neck. Gods, how she loved him, and she couldn’t stay away from him. Clearly she was too attached to him and the idea of loving him.

“I missed you, Arthor,” she whispered, repeating herself.
 
All kinds of emotions had been rushing through Arthor that day. Most of all he had been upset, obviously. It was difficult to stand behind Leanah and Lady Carlys, watching Lord Warrin and his men arrive in Santrella. If it hadn’t felt real before that he would lose Leanah forever, now it certainly did. It was even harder than Arthor had imagined to see Lord Adian with Leanah, and he had hated every single moment of it.

At the same time, Arthor hoped that he would be good to her. After what had happened that night in his bedroom, Arthor was absolutely disgusted with himself and his actions. It was clear to him that he was no good to Leanah. He was horrible to her and Arthor hoped that perhaps Leanah had realised that once and for all. Arthor wanted to stay close to her, but he would try to understand if Leanah wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

How Arthor found himself standing in front of her door, he wasn’t quite sure. He had planned to have a drink and then go to bed, but obviously that hadn’t turned out that way. Arthor had still had a cup of wine, but instead of going to bed, he had ended up walking the well-known path to Leanah’s bedchamber. He didn’t have any ill intentions, truly, Arthor just wanted to apologise to her, maybe salvage what he could of their relationship.

Actually seeing her and speaking to her made Arthor feel so fucking guilty though. He wasn’t even really looking at her anymore, because he just couldn’t. It made Arthor think about what he’d done and could’ve done, and it just made him feel sick. When Leanah pulled him inside of the room and hugged him as he stood with his back towards her, Arthor wanted to leave.

It made him angry at himself again that he had to actually focus and push away the thoughts that suddenly rushed into his brain. Arthor realised Leanah was too young, too naive and that it was far too easy for him to take advantage of her. He closed his eyes as he pushed those thoughts away from his mind. Arthor wanted to be better, he really did.

“This isn’t right.”

“I know.”

Carefully, Arthor took her hands and pulled her arms away from her. He craved her touch, but he didn’t deserve it. Arthor needed to be an adult about this finally, deal with it properly and maturely not like he had before. He took a few steps away from her again before he turned around to face her as he tried to keep his thoughts in line.

“I hurt you, Leanah,” he mumbled, shaking his head a little, “you shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Okay.”

“It’s for the better.”

"But I want you."

“You shouldn’t. I’m bad for you.”

Perhaps as a friend Arthor hadn’t failed Leanah as miserably as he had just yet. He wanted that to remain, but it was clear for him to see that he wasn’t meant to have a relationship like that with her. Leanah deserved so much better than his possessiveness or his jealousy, or his stupid temper and immature attitude. He wanted her, but he couldn’t have that and Arthor had to deal with that.

"Then why are you here?"

“I wanted to apologise about that day. You didn’t deserve that.”

"I know I didn't."

“I suppose I wanted to ask if you’ll forgive me one day for that. I don’t want to lose you completely, Leanah.”

"I don't want to lose you either, Arthor."

“But, Gods, Leanah, you should hate me for what I’ve done to you.”

It was all so conflicting for Arthor, because on one hand he wanted to keep being a prick and get what he wanted from her, but he also wanted to be a good man, a good friend to her. If he loved her, then that shouldn’t be so hard to do, though, right? Arthor was sure that he did love her, but it was still incredibly hard for him not to be so fucking selfish when it came to Leanah.

"I can't hate you."

“You should, though. I’ve been awful to you.”

"Do you want me to hate you?"

“No, but I know I deserve that.”

"I'll always love you, Arthor."

“And I you, but we can’t continue this.”

"I know that."

It was for the better, Arthor knew that and he hoped that Leanah did too. He felt like shit that he made her so sad, even though they had both known that this would happen one day. Arthor assumed that neither of them had expected it to hurt so much, though. It was horrible, and Arthor desperately wanted to go back to how things used to be, but that wasn’t possible and it wasn’t right.

“We knew this would happen eventually.”

"That doesn't mean I want it to end."

“Of course I don’t want that either, but it has to. There’s nothing we can do about it.”

When Leanah approached him again, Arthor didn’t move an inch. He felt like touching her was a bad idea, but at the same time he couldn’t hold himself back. Besides, he really needed some comfort right now. When Leanah wrapped her arms around him, Arthor hugged her, pulling her close against his chest and kissing the top of her head.

“I’ll miss all of this."
 
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