Advice/Help Adoption, with regards to Character Backstories

[Terrier B]

(Kind of a disclaimer here, all of these experiences I list are all my own, and therefore all accompanying opinions are directly linked to those personal experiences. I am aware things aren't the same for absolutely everyone. Also, I was born and adopted in 1998, all things change with time and I am sure some things have since then within the UK adoption system. However, from what I am aware of, things have not changed particularly drastically enough for what I say in this thread to be incorrect since the time of both myself, and my brothers adoption.)

So then,

I've noticed on, not only my so far brief time here, but all RP-like things in general, Adoption often pops up as a reoccurring event within various characters backstories. Now, initially, as an adoptee myself, I was bristled by this choice becoming what I believed to be a trend. However, in hindsight, adolescent egotism most definitely played the major factor in this viewpoint. For now that I am older (and hopefully maybe just a little bit wiser) I can't help but think to myself, "Actually, it makes a lot of sense really."

I think, using adoption as a defining early experience for a fictional character is a logical choice to make with regards to the boundaries and outcomes of online RP-ing. It can give a character an immediate point of intrigue that differentiates them from others. Adoption can easily explain certain qualities, traits, and habits a character may have, that otherwise would be hard or downright illogical to realistically justify. It does make sense to choose it as a starting point every now and then.

But, with this trend, I would heavily like to encourage accuracy above all and anything else. I can't speak for everywhere else in the world, but at the very least here in England, Adoption, Fostering, and Social Services in general are more often than not portrayed and represented in overly simplistic, to downright diabolically wicked ways. And no word of a lie, that's being kind. There are reasons for these portrayals of course, they haven't just been born out of nothing. But like a lot of other things in today's media age, they've just sort of been done to death, had their reputation tarnished, etc. And I will always try to put a stop to this convention.

So, below I will try my best to explain how adoption works in the UK, what it realistically and most likely will and will not do to a person mentally, and describe my own experience for transparency. I hope this is helpful and informative, and please feel free to ask any questions I suppose

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So in the UK, a child is placed into Foster Care and/or adoption for give or take, about two main reasons. The first being that the child was willingly given up to Social Services by their Biological parents, this was the case in my experience. Or alternatively, the children living and remaining with their Biological Parents for a further prolonged period of time is deemed unsafe and unhealthy for the child and they are removed by Social Services. I will first explain my own situation, and then my two brothers.

I was willingly given up for Adoption by my Biological Parents when I was about three or four days old. I was not quite what they expected, or wanted, and therefore they decided I would have the best and happiest chance at life with another family. I was placed with a lovely lady (My Auntie Margaret, who I still go and see to this day ), who cared for me while I was still so young. This technically was, but also wasn't my only time spent in foster care, as Babies are almost always immediately adopted as soon as they are 'on the market'. So effectively, my stay with Auntie Margaret was the same as a brief stopgap in my adoption process. As I was so young, and therefore a hot property, I was living with my proper family before I was even a year old. The adoption itself was finalised just a few days either before or after my first birthday (forgive me if I can't quite remember).

Babies are often quickly adopted. Couples who find themselves unable to have children of their own will most likely if not instantly, at least at some point desire to care for a newborn infant. And put far more simply, babies are cute! and cute ones get picked first.

I'd like to again clarify and disclaim that the following paragraph is my own personal encounter, and therefore will not be the exact same experience for other Adoptee's. My adoption, especially when directly compared to my brothers, was and still is, an overall positive affair. I love my family, they love me. I have never known another, and feel nothing but pride over the matter of being adopted itself. Adoption itself has never been a point of dismay, anguish, or sadness for me. However, the reasons for why my Biological Parents felt I was not quite right for them, is a completely different matter. When you are willingly given up for adoption, you will always have the question in your mind of 'Why?'. Some answers are simpler than others, but I'm sure they all have a similar enough effect. My Biological Parents led a very lavish lifestyle. They were trendy, quite well off, and very pretty people. When I was born, I was seemingly not something they would want to deal with, either then or now. This factor only came to me as a doubt of my own identity in later years. My proper parents did a wonderful job with my own upkeep and I never felt doubtful or embarrassed about myself growing up. But with adulthood you get all these niggles and doubts (along with bills and mortgages and all that other fun stuff). I'm very much at peace with it these days, my Bio parents made their choice and that's their decision to live with. But when you are specifically given up for adoption, you are literally just that, given up. Someone made a conscience decision to not include you in their lives. And of course, that will at some point, make you stop and think. Everybody's different, and depending on circumstances of upbringing and other developmental qualities, the impact it will have on a person, or indeed a characters life will differ tremendously.

So to sum things up: And this is a broad summary that in no way speaks for all, but to me, it's most likely that
- Babies will be adopted almost immediately
- Children willingly given up for Adoption will most likely be infants or quite young
- Those given up for adoption will be more likely to struggle with Identity, sense of self, and issues regarding being needed and loved

Now my brothers on the other hand, are a much more different matter. Also, briefly for context, my brothers are biologically related to each other, but not to myself. Gary and Bob were born to very poor, very unwell parents. Their Father was never even really present, and their Mother was in no way mentally or physically suitable to have or raise children. She had mental issues of her own that made her far too child-like to safely take care of children. She would often forget about the boys, lash out at them due to her own complications, and frequently forget to feed the two. Gary was two years older than Bob, and therefore naturally assumed the role of caretaker to him as best a a four year old child could. But in a situation as abusive and as solitary as the lads were in, Gary was a caretaker to Bob but simultaneously grew a slight jealousy/loathing of him. This sounds bad, but you have to be aware that the environment the boys were having to live in were literally forcing them to revert and cling to natures and instincts that would be practically primeval in this day and age. It was nothing more than basic survival instinct. Gary and Bob needed to live.

An issue that prolonged this ever-growing array of habits and traits, was the way in which Social Services dealt with removing children at the time. Back then, and to my knowledge still to this day, UK Social services believe keeping this children with their Biological Mother for as long as possible is the best thing to do. They will only remove the child/children from the Mother at the last possible moment. THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY, GOOD, MORALLY RIGHT, THING TO DO AT ALL. I Strongly disagree with this method. Of course circumstances vary, but if you decide a child will stay with a parent who is not taking care of not only their physical needs, but social needs too, the only thing that will happen is that the child will continue to develop poorly. Early childhood development is so much more than learning how to just read and talk correctly, There are so many minuscule instincts, habits and progressions that depend on something as simple as frequently holding a child. This may sound over-dramatic, but I can honestly justify everything I say with the example of my brothers. Their Mother barely ever picked them up out of the cot when they were infants, and as of such, Gary's eyesight is poor. Such minuscule details that could have been stopped were allowed to fester due to Social Services daft policies. Said policies didn't just end upon adoption either. Even when the lads were in my parents care, all documents signed, everything legal and settled, Social Services set up meetings for the boys to visit their Biological Mother on a semi-regular monthly basis. It was only when the lads themselves audibly refused to go to these meetings that Social Services allowed them to cease. My brothers did not, and still do not classify their Biological Mother as their Mother, despite all of Social Services' efforts. Our proper Mum, is our Mum, and always will be

So again, to summarise, And this is a broad summary that in no way speaks for all, but to me and my brothers, it's most likely that:
- Social Services, while trying to do their best to help, may not always make the best decisions for the child,
- Keeping a young child with a unfit parent will only cause further developmental disabilities, both mental and physical

- Issues that stay with you, or indeed a character, be they mental or physical, have a strong strong chance of being the result of a developmental lack occurring in very early childhood.

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Adoption is good.
It makes a lot of people very happy.
I just wanted to explain details people may otherwise be unaware of.
Adoption should be celebrated, it's honestly so nice

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Random Pieces of Information that wouldn't fit anywhere else:

• UK Policy does not try particularly hard to keep siblings together in both Foster care, or actual Adoption
• If a family raises a child and does not tell them they are adopted, it is the equivalent of lying. It's not the truth. Adoption should not be something to be ashamed of.
• should never lie to child.
• Once a child passes the five or six mark, their likelihood for adoption steadily decreases.
• People. Want. Babies.
• (At least until '98) Adoptee's were given a "Life Book" when sent off to live with their new families. It was a scrapbook of sorts, containing pictures of the Biological parents and greater Biological family. Me and my Brother still have ours.

(Big big big sorry of this just turned into a big vague as all hecc outpouring of my life. I honest to god wanted to do nothing more than inform, and encourage discussion )​

 

[Lorsh]

good read

 

[Mr. Sparks]

I was adopted..

 

[Lexiseeksrp]

Thanks for sharing.

 

[laceanddoodles]

I was adopted by two absolutely wonderful women! I was adopted at birth, and I grew up knowing that they adopted me. I’ve never met my birth parents, but I’ve always known of them— known their names, seen photos, and knowing my moms were Facebook friends with them. I also knew, after some time, that they have two other children, my biological brothers.

My birth parents made a lot of great choices regarding me. They never reached out, for starters, or pressured me into having a relationship with them. They let me control the situation and move at my own pace. And then they made a decision which... I’m not going to make a moral judgement on. They decided not to tell my brothers about me until they were already teenagers. And then they didn’t tell me or my moms that my brothers knew I existed. The last any of us had heard on the subject was when I was eleven, and my birth parents made the choice to not inform my brothers. Fast forward to this year, I get a friend request and Facebook message from my now 16-year-old little brother, basically saying “hey, Facebook suggested you as a friend, and my mom says that you’re my biological sister.”

I thought that he had just, at the age of sixteen, learned that he had a sister through a Facebook friend suggestion, and promptly freaked out a little. I’m really sympathetic towards my birth parents when it comes to things like this— their reasoning for not telling my brothers is that they’re on the autism spectrum, and my bp were worried about how they’d take it. I often get the feeling that my birth mom, in particular, has a lot more nerves/emotional stakes in all this than I do. Like, I’m curious about my birth family, but I am my adopted moms’ daughter, through and through. But I could only imagine the panic my birth mom must have felt when her teenage son came up to her, showed her my profile and went something like “Facebook suggested this girl to me, and it says you two are mutual friends. Who is she?” Needless to say, my panic was for my poor birth mom’s sake.

I messaged my birth mom immediately, asking for more information about the situation and how she’d like me to respond, and she was like, “don’t worry, they’ve known for a few years.”

Here’s the kicker— my brother never wrote me back. He just said, “you’re my sister, apparently,” and then... that’s it. I’ve decided to make the same choice my birth parents made, I’m giving my brothers complete control over the situation. I will play as big of a part of their lives as they ask me to, but I’m going to let them choose, and let them go at their own pace.

 

[rae2nerdy]

So this is interesting but I notice that you don't mention what would happen if a child was orphaned at a young age and their parents either had no biological relatives to take them in or the biological relatives refused to do so?

I'm in the Harry Potter fandom and one of the popular storylines for that fandom is Harry being adopted by other people besides the Dursleys (his biological mother's family). He is orphaned at about one years old in canon and left on the doorstep of his mother's family. The family take him in begrudingly in canon but proceed to neglect him very badly (making him sleep under the stairs, denying him food if he misbehaves, overall ignoring his existence as much as possible).

So my question is how accurate would this be in your experience? Would an orphan child automatically be given to the next closest biological kin or would they be placed up for adoption? How much effort would be put forth to keep them with the biological relatives if those relatives had stated a preference for not taking in the child?

What if the biological relatives were in a different country or otherwise hard to find? How hard would social services look before putting the kid up for adoption? (baring in mind we're talking a toddler/infant in this specific case?)

 

[Malozing]

rae2nerdy There is also state care/ foster care. If the next of kin refuses or is seen unfit for the care of the orphaned child.

 

[Terrier B]

This is all so amazing oh my gosh. It's fascinating to see what's the same, what's different and what people think??
I'm so glad people are just discussing honestly, haha.

rae2nerdy

So to my knowledge, in the UK when you have a child, biologically or otherwise, you can declare and authorise who you would like to have legal guardianship over your children if anything happened to you. Most often, this of course naturally falls to family, grandparents, aunts uncles etc. But it can literally be anyone? Like, you don't have to be related necessarily to Godparents, but they could still be your first inline Legal Guardians. Up to the parents discretion really.

But of course, that's only the case if the Parents have had a chance to/ever even bothered to authorise such a thing. I don't know for sure how it works in the UK, but my natural assumption would be Social Services would heavily imply the next biological kin to take care of the child. But admittedly they wouldn't have to if they didn't want to. So technically, unless there was some legal document saying otherwise that we just never heard about, the Dursley's could have just gone, "Lol, haha no thank u xxx"

With regards 2 Having the next of Kin being far away, or difficult to locate, again I can;t be 100% sure. But at a guess, in todays modern age of communication and technology, I'd very much like to think and hope Social Services would make the effort. In my opinion and experience, they'll more likely be eager to partake in anything that helps place a child as smoothly and securely as possible. But like I say, cant be completely sure, that's just a guess haha.