The inventor of the ballet skirt was stumped for a name for it until he put tu and tu together.
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That horrible feeling when you've killed five zombies and stabbed a vampire with a stake and you start to wonder why they were all carrying bags of candy.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is my roll model.
Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
You know you are getting old when you watch a horror movie with annoying partying teenagers getting killed and you identify with the murderer.
It is no longer politically correct to call tweakers 'tweakers'. They are now known as Methican Americans.
How many 'chuggas' are you supposed to say before saying 'choo-choo'? I've always said two, but my eight year old is now saying three, but her teacher says one. That's not enough chuggas before the choo, and it pisses me off. Tell me, how the train is supposed to get anywhere?
Diet tip: Eat the food off of other peoples' plates. Those are their calories, and they don't count.
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type o."
What is a zebra? Twenty six sizes larger than an 'a' bra.
I love how in the movies the Satanic cults all speak Latin, like Satan has been around since the beginning of time, encountered the Romans, and was then "Hey, this language is IT! Hell yeah. From now on, I'm writing all my contracts in this bad boy!"
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you can then say you are . . .
Independent.
Would Steve Jobs have made a better president than Donald Trump?
I don't know. That's like comparing apples to oranges.
Butterflies are not what they used to be.
If you are trying to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty, pour the liquid into a smaller glass and stop bitching.
What do cats like to watch on tv?
Nestflix
Pac Man's favorite cooking pot is a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok . . .
Happy Mother's Day!
Did you know that the character Spock from Star Trek had three ears? There's the left ear, the right ear, and the Final Front-ear! Ha!
Don't believe everything you read in a public toilet. Stacey is not up for a good time.
What an awkward phone call that was.
Whomever came up with the fact that you can make cake in a cup in just one minute must have been up to some serious shit in their lives.
I'm not saying blondes are dumb, but I just saw one snorting Sweet and Low because she thought it was Diet Coke.
Today I learned that if you are in a canoe and it flips over in the water, you can safely wear it on your head because it is capsized.
Know what I hate? When people are eating yogurt and spend 30 minutes going apeshit scraping the bottom of the cup trying to get every last drop. Give it a rest, people. Its yogurt, not cocaine.
Do you know how to make 100 old ladies yell "F***!" at the same time?
Have another one of them yell, "Bingo!" -
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