I saw two girls having an argument today. One was about six, the other was around fourteen. The older one yells, "Santa's not real!" The younger one looks sad, then says, "Yeah, well, neither is Edward Cullen!" The older girl broke down in tears. It was epic.
Being a pet owner is kinda like being a sugar daddy. You waste all your money on keeping them happy, and all they do is look cute and give you attention sometimes.
Prepare yourselves. Thanksgiving is just around the corner. It is a very emotional holiday. It is where people travel for hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. Then you discover that once a year is waaaaay too often for some of these crazy fuckers.
At the Pharmacy:
Me: Oh, wise sage, give me what I need to banish the darkness from my mind.
Pharmacist: Here are your antidepressants.
Me: No curse of mine shall befall you from my dying breath.
Pharmacist: Thank you.
Evil Villain: I will destroy the world unless you give me 32,000 used gift bags you've kept in the closet just in case. Mwuhahahha!
Everyone: Oh no! We're doomed!
My wife: Hold my purse. I've got this.
(Was gonna make another kind of joke, but that kinda involves hitting the walls more, not less XD)